My heart is breaking over some of the comments on my previous post. That post reviews and offers a giveaway of Leila Miller's Impossible Marriages Redeemed: They Didn’t End the Story in the Middle. (Affiliate link) I can't answer all the comments there, but I want everyone who left a note about a difficult marriage to know that we two Leilas are praying for you, your friends, and/or your parents!
As it happens, I am going over and editing (again!) the section of my forthcoming book in which I give you my four secrets to what I call “destruction-proofing” your marriage.
So I thought I'd go bring these four important points back up out of the archives — points without which a marriage is at great risk.
As I repeat here on the blog and in the book, there are no guarantees. We all have free will. The terrible truth is that anyone can destroy anything at any time. But the good news is that sacrificial love conquers all — if not in this life, then in the next. Christ's cross triumphs!
Sacrificial love is lived out in certain particular ways. I love my husband dearly and he loves me — but you can imagine that during the 40 years of our marriage we've had our share of turmoil. We're only human! We also have seen how others' marriages endure over the years — or not. And all that is what I'm bringing to this post. I'm sure these ways I've identified are not sufficient, but they are necessary.
Here they are:
The first secret
Live your Sunday as a day of worship, rest, and celebration. If you, husband and wife, set clear standards for how this day will be, you will see your whole week — that is to say, your whole life! — orient itself rightly.
One super practical suggestion: Make up your mind that you will not shop on this day (excepting emergency trips for medicine or other necessities — even foregoing milk on this day is not going to kill anyone). I really cannot see how a Christian can schedule routine shopping on the Lord's day. Just think about the peaceable justice that would settle on this land if even the poor could rest and not work on this day.
Everyone needs a day set apart, a day that not full of activity, commerce, work, and cares the way the others are. God gave as one of his 10 Commandments that we keep this day holy. Seems important. Read more about how to do this here.
The second secret
Eat dinner together as a family. I have a lot of strategies to accomplish this goal written out here on the blog. Let me just say that every family should prioritize Sunday dinner (supper, picnic, brunch, whatever works) — but this requires that they eat together at least four times a week. You can't snap your fingers and have good habits and be pleasant company for each other — if you don't practice, you will be frustrated.
Dinner together is family communion. Husband and wife have a chance to converse; children see how important this is to them. Here is where family life is solidified, around the dinner table. Guests benefit from the love that overflows. Children learn to listen and to talk.
The family that eats dinner together stays together. When your older children start to go off, turn your attention to the younger ones. Before you know it, grandchildren will be partakers in this banquet as well!
There is no way to have this blessing without making it a priority!
The third secret
Keep the marital embrace pure and be generous. Love each other when you want to and welcome the children God sends you. The truth that is obscured by our baby-averse society is that very few couples will have a lot of children, and those that do are just fine, especially where people accept that this is a normal outcome of married life.
Many couples will not have the number of children they envisioned when they worried about it at the start; some will have none and this will be a great suffering to them. Our resistance to babies prevents us from seeing how many people do suffer this way.
If you thought you could never have any children or very few, would you act differently? I find that it's really only fear that drives couples to contraception.
Strangely, contraception doesn't work the way people say it does. Far from being a magical solution to all life's problems, it fails miserably. Contraceptive methods fall into two categories: the kind that don't work in preventing conception (and must be backed up by abortion) and those that mostly (but not always) work, but in the process do real harm to the woman and/or kill her child.
Yes, there is natural family planning. I am not going to go into it here — in my experience, it's best use is to help those who have difficulty conceiving.
What if there was another way? I suggest that we can avoid all the heartache of what I call Baby Resistance if we look at the marital embrace as a normal way of living out marriage and children as a gift. No one tells you this, but you need to know. For my full explanation, go here.
The fourth secret
The reason you need to know the third secret is that you can't implement the fourth secret unless you have first removed the serious disorders brought on by Baby Resistance. These disorders include bitterness, lack of libido, feelings of being used, chemical/hormonal imbalance leading to poor health, excessive control, and lack of communication.
You see, the fourth secret is that husband and wife ought to be friends and admire each other! Naturally, you can't even begin if you are not following the third secret… but if you are, you can be free to work on this area. What good does it do to know your respective temperaments, love languages, and so on, if you are thwarting your most basic form of communication, the conjugal one?
Most marriage advice is about romance and spontaneity, when the real issue is that spouses fall into bad habits of being indifferent or even contemptuous of each other, leading to sometimes serious betrayals. Husband and wife need to admire each other and really be friends. They need to put each other first in a joyful way.
Friends are courteous to each other, find each other's company restful and charming, and are somewhat in awe of the gift of disinterested love that each brings to the other. Friends naturally strive to be more, not less, virtuous for the sake of the other.
Begin today with the first step, which is gratitude. We can only overcome contempt with gratitude! And I will warn you, if you don't work to eradicate the evil weed of contemptuousness in your own heart, your marriage will not be safe from destruction. The good news is that admiration works wonders to heal even the saddest relationship! There are more particulars, especially about the different ways each sex needs to be admired, here in this post.
Of course, starting out well would be ideal. But even the most difficult marriage can be turned around — for proof, read Leila Miller's book. Please be sure you have entered to win one of the copies we are giving away, by leaving a comment on the giveaway post. We will close the giveaway on Thursday.
Lisa says
Excellent points!!! Spot on!! Thank you for sharing……oh how we pray for our niece’s & nephews to have this kind of marriage & openness to life! They are ruled by fear…..they’re even ruled by their parents fears that they passed on to them, because they feared having too many children when they were young.
Lisa
Joan says
Secret one, two, and three are the way my parents conducted our family life with two parents, father who owned his own business and stay at home mother, and eight children. Life was hectic, yet we always kept holy the Lords day and ate dinners together every day. My husband grew up with two parents, enlisted father and stay at home mother, and four children. Since they were a military family they moved a lot, but always kept holy the Lords day and ate dinners together. After we married my husband worked full time I worked part time, in our respective fields of study. We had our first child nine months later, at which time I became a stay at home mom. Six weeks after our son was born my husbands company shut down. This would b the beginning of 25 years of on again, off again unemployment for my husband. Four children under the age of 7 and I was working outside the home, part time, 7 day’s a week as my husbands constant unemployment required my income support. We NEVER took a family vacation. I bought all clothes/toys at Goodwill. My husband has a masters degree and I have a bachelors degree. Leila, THIS is reality for MOST families!! Your “secrets” are not available to most families. My son and his wife have two children, 2 year old and 9 month old. She is a full time police officer and he works opposite shift because they can’t afford daycare. They rarely see each other, so keeping The Lords day holy (according to your definition)and each dinner together is impossible They both have college degrees. They live in a 2 bedroom house built in 1945 in a high crime area. My daughter and her husband have two children, 4 year old and 1 year old (with spina bifida). He works out of town many times and she is a flight attendant. They rarely see each other, so keeping the lords day holy and having feels together is rare. They live In a tiny bungalow built in 1946, near an air force base. They drive broken down cars and get support through WIC. She has a bachelors degree he has a technical degree. Do you see where your “secrets” are just a dream for most couples today? Btw my husband divorced me after 25 years of marriage. He just didn’t want to do it anymore. It wanted to live his parents life, not our life.
Leila says
Joan, I’m sorry to hear about your divorce. Yes, times are hard for those trying to live a life that seemed not out of reach a few generations ago. Lots to think about there. As I said in the post, there are no guarantees and these secrets of mine, while emphatically not out of reach, are necessary but not sufficient.
I really do encourage you to enter the giveaway for Leila Miller’s book and to get ahold of a copy if you don’t win.
God bless, we are praying for you — and your children and their families as well.
Leila says
I would also just add that I do address in much more detail each of the secrets in the linked posts. Here I am somewhat condensing. So I encourage anyone who wants to know more to follow those links. These are universal principles that I am talking about here, but yes, sometimes there are real obstacles.
Specifically, in the longer post about having dinner together I talk about how to handle cases where it’s not possible — for instance, where the husband is deployed for long periods of time… I have a friend whose mother would tell the (numerous) children, “your father isn’t here because he loves you and is out working hard for you!” And that sufficed! What about another friend whose husband, for years, had the Saturday-to-Sunday-night shift on the police force. How to live their Sunday? They lived it in the breach — they didn’t ignore the problem but they didn’t give up on what they knew had to be observed either.
A lot of difficulties can be overcome when mother and father are unified and show their admiration for each other even in the midst of real challenges.
So I do encourage people not to be defeated by circumstances that don’t seem to fit into “what has to be” but to meet them with love.
JOan says
You are addressing a situation where the husband is working away from the home during the Sunday hours and/or dinner hours. What about the families in which BOTH parents need to work, split shifts, just to keep from having to be on government assistance? THIS is a reality for MOST families today. They do NOT have a choice and it isn’t about sacrificing family time for a more lavish lifestyle. It is about being able to financially get by with two college educated parents having to work full-time. I am an elementary school teacher and 95% of my families are in this exact same situation. They do not have a choice to attend church services or eat dinner as a family because one parent is always working during those times. I applaud them for providing a home where their children are being cared for by their parents and not a daycare center. Pray for families, that someday they may be able to afford to attend church services as a family and have dinner as a family.
Leila says
People do have choices and their choices are informed by their priorities — I understand well that most people have organized their lives the way you described.
I am here saying that if a couple want to destruction-proof their family, they must attend to these four secrets. I didn’t make them up, nor am I new to this discussion. In my more than ten years of speaking about these matters I have received many testimonials of people who live this way or have changed their lives so that they can live this way. And my family lived this way too, in what others would certainly consider poverty.
Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith.Proverbs 15:17
Kate says
My parents were poor. Very poor by today’s standards. But they adhered to all of the “secrets” and providence provided in big ways. God has a way of providing when you prioritize Him.
Kate says
In other words they lived by, “seek first the kingdom and all other things will be added to you.” This is not an unattainablepipedream ideal. It’s how a Christian must live.
D says
Hi Joan,
Sounds like you’re describing some rough and tumble stuff here that is difficult to sort through in the murky waters of this life.
Wanted to pass along a book I read several years ago in case it could be of some use to yourself/some of those whom you know or families you described in your post. This particular family found themselves in over $127,000 worth of personal debt and during the process of paying it off the mother who was working actually decided to stay home. If you don’t want to buy a copy check out your local library to see if they offer it on e-book. That’s how I read it!
https://www.amazon.com/Slaying-Debt-Dragon-Conquered-Inspired/dp/1414397208
http://www.slayingthedebtdragon.com/
http://www.queenoffree.net/
It’s a very enjoyable book, very encouraging and a true story. Perhaps it could help some families out there gain some of the necessary tools, skills, habits of mind, etc. that would make living a more balanced, faith filled and ‘dinner round the table together’ kind of lifestyle possible.
I hope you may find this useful for your journey or for passing along to others.
May your days be blessed.
Cirelo says
Joan, I’m confused by your comment. You seem antagonistic, but your examples only seem to stress the importance of Leila’s points. Are you saying it’s all hopeless?
Jennifer says
“These disorders include bitterness, lack of libido, feelings of being used, chemical/hormonal imbalance leading to poor health, excessive control, and lack of communication.”
It is my experience that one can easily experience all of the above while following the Church’s teaching on sexuality and while using no birth control.
Catherine says
I was also wondering about this.
Linda Lee says
Lovely and excellent advice! We have been married 49 years and you are spot on!
cirelo says
The main time I have felt what I can only call real demonic attack has been when my husband and I are doing something important for our marriage. Even reading your 4 posts here, this time, and all the previous times I’ve read them has led to odd feelings of violent hatred and fighting with my husband even as I actively assent to every true word you speak. These outbursts usually are acute, short lived, and come seemingly out of nowhere. We don’t have an unusually troubled marriage. I think the devil has it out for marriage! I think you are doing something right!
St. Michael pray for us and our marriages!
Leila says
Yes, I find this too. For a long time I was hesitant to write about marriage for this reason! I found that my husband and I would fight! Usually because I was at fault! Gosh…
We do need to pray, pray, pray, and have recourse to all the heavenly help we can get.
Kessie says
This was lovely! I’ve read a lot of books and blogs with marriage advice, and I don’t believe I’ve seen anyone cover those particular four things. We strive to do them in our family, and we have probably the most peaceful family and marriage of anyone I know, except for my parents (who also did those four things). If I could add a fifth one, it would be to pray regularly for your spouse and kids. Omartian’s Power of a Praying Wife changed my life. I imagine you cover it in your book, though. 🙂
Leila says
I cover prayer for and with each other in my book The Little Oratory! Here, I am relying on “the Sunday” to do the heavy lifting. What I find is that when we put Sunday where it should be in our priorities, all the rest of the spiritual life flows through the grace we receive. Prayer for each other is certainly implied and will result. It’s good to make it explicit, for sure.
Em says
Yes I agree with Kessie about daily prayer as a family, everyday if possible. If one parent is working the other makes sure to do it with the kids, but best if both parents are involved if at all possible. Get the kids to learn parts of the prayers and give them the “important responsibility” of saying those parts. Each child can light their own candle. The children thrive on the routine and it demonstrates to them that their relationship with Christ is important and the parents see it as so. I know that Sundays do this too and I certainly agree with what you say about that, but I think too much can happen the other six days of the week that Sunday can seem a long way away.
You know the cliche: the family who prays together stays together…
Leila says
Yes, Em — as I said, I have a book about that called The Little Oratory. In addition, I encourage you to read this series (the posts are linked in order in this last one) for more details: http://likemotherlikedaughter.org/2017/03/moral-life-child-nurture-part-5/
Christina says
Thank you for this advice! I know you speak with love and from experience.
Noel Miller says
Higher education is a wonderful thing, a thing many people should pursue, if they are able! And yet I see college debt being a complicating factor for many of my peers when it comes to making it on one income so that mom can be home. Especially if both spouses have debt! Many studies are showing that the cost investment in higher education just does not pay off for many people, and I think people need to take that into consideration when planning their future. I believe an obsession with personal calling and self-actualization has overshadowed any consideration towards future duties that one might have towards family. Meanwhile, neither my husband nor I have a college degree, my husband is completely self-taught in his field of work, and we’re able to live in a high cost of living area (suburbs of Chicago) on one income with four (so far) children. We do not live extravagantly by any means, and we’re creative and make sacrifices (and are willing to make more), but we can afford what we need, we eat almost all of our meals together, and we welcome the children God sends us. I don’t feel like we have had special opportunities that have made this possible for us, or have made choices that could not be made by most people. I really feel like if we can do this, anyone can do this! But I do think young people need to plan their futures with an eye towards what will make the family life they want possible.
Hope says
Thank you very much.
Kate says
I am wondering……what if you have a husband that you love but has always expected and asked you to be ‘The head of the household ‘. This means you work fulltime, pay the rent, buy food etc and make the major decisions even on intimacy. This on top of going back to school fulltime too, leaving one with no time to even cook dinner, eating while running through life, running from one appointment to another…Do you then force your spouse to change? Or quit everything even paying rent in order to spend more quality meals together especially on Sundays?
Leila says
Kate, the scenario you describe is so fraught with suggestions of real mental issues that it might be better to discuss via email.
In general — not really knowing the particulars here — I would say that no one can force another person to do anything. We can only change ourselves. Sometimes there is mental illness (when someone is so very detached from the normal impulses of their sex, not wanting to take any responsibility at all) and that requires intervention. Sometimes the other person can be honest and see how they are enabling the situation and take steps to remedy it.
In general, always START with the Sunday. Put God first. He won’t fail to inspire you. Start now for THIS SUNDAY and do something, anything, to show Him that you are putting Him first.
Therese says
I love these secrets. I am sad to say I grew in an enviorment so opposite of these values even though we professed to be living a Catholic faith. Both my parents worked full time through my childhoood, my grandmother who lived with us took care of us. Truth be told I longed for that chance to have my mother home with us fulltime. My parents made choices , as I did later also- that meant that we needed two incomes. There was an un spoken baby aversion that was passed on. My parents would have imagined we would be living in poverty unless we worked. But on that day I held my newborn daughter I knew that the only thing I wanted was to be able to be home full time with her- something I could not do. Both my siblings have left the faith now as adults. I had baby fear throughout our early years of marriage and constantly worried about not having ‘enough”. It was how I was raised. It was SEEN as being responsible/. not putting ones husband under undo pressure.. I dont / did not/ know HOW to be generous. Did not know how to be grateful and How to properly show the kind of love and respect that my husband needed. He pulled away gradually and I clung tighter ,which only made him pull away more until he left entirely, divorceing me and now marrying civilly another woman. Along the way I had a reversion and woke up to realize that all this time , while I thought I was living a Catholic life, it was not. All this time I thought I was being a good wife- I was not. I wish that my mother had known and passed on your wisdom. My dear mother is still alive, now at 89. And of her 3 children, 2 of us have had separations/divorced . I grieve the children we might have had and the marriage that still should have been together , we should have been celebrating 30 years this June. Instead I am living alone, living faithfully chaste since I do not believe there is grounds for an annulment .
Diana says
I read this when you originally posted, and loved it. Thank you for reprinting it. And thank you for having the courage to confront the error of contraception. As you know, contraception is rampant (i.e. near-universal) among us Protestants, and it is something that so needs to be confronted and repented of. I admire your courage, as I have always admired the orthodox Catholic doctrine of openness to children.
Teri Pittman says
37 years first marriage. 10 together on the second.
Part of that respect is to always court each other. You should be willing to put some effort into trying to please each other. Some couples seem more like roommates than romantic partners.
People grown and change as they get older. You have to make that effort to find those qualities that originally attracted you. I’ve been truly blessed to have my spouse also be my best friend. We just enjoyed hanging out together talking.
Grachel Monis says
Was recommended this blog my my cousin, and boy am I glad! Loved your 4 advices, cannot wait to incorporate them!