I had the Chief take this photo of me this morning after I watered and fed the chickens and was on my way to do the same for the cat.
Toffee is an outdoor cat (she has a cozy bed in the garage, don't worry) and also appreciated non-solid water this morning, pretty much the coldest morning we've ever had, ever.
Not shown in that (rather demented) photo: flannel nightgown, Deirdre's sweatpants, handknit (not by me) sweater, handknit (by me) socks, wrist warmers… real fleece inserts in my real fleece boots… I was warm!
In my book I have some chapters about what to do as the older children get older but the younger children still need you. We are in a time when many (relatively speaking — still very few, sadly) are open to having more children, but the collective memory is quite gone.
Real chaos and suffering can be the result, as families groping for methods to live by are left in the lurch, overcome by sheer circumstance.
Conventional parenting today, formed by generations of contraception, consists of an expectation of a stunning level of involvement in lives of the (few) children one has. Especially as they get older, these children have their every move scrutinized and managed.
The combination of prosperity and lack of distraction from siblings ensures that the young people will be their parents' primary focus. Not to mention that the parents are older, having delayed childrearing; their retirement consists of tracking their children's lives with intensity.
For the parents of many children, this model is unsustainable. Adding to the pressure is the lack of generational support, not to mention probably straitened finances. For parents of large families to imitate those with few children is a recipe for real disaster.
And it's not actually good for older children anyway, who need to feel the pull to make their own homes, even if that pull involves suffering through experiences the parents cannot know, let alone manage. They need the roots of a formation in solid family life, and they need the wings of making their own mistakes.
The organizing principle for the parents is a simple one: duty. Difficult questions can be resolved — not without stress or feeling pulled in all directions, for sure! — simply by asking oneself where one's duty lies. Close readers here will notice that I do not define the woman's role as “stay at home mom,” because children are not actually the primary definers of the married woman's vocation. Her marriage and her husband are — just as the husband's marriage and wife are defining for him. Even his work, which defines him as a man, is for the sake of his wife and home.
A married daughter having her baby surely needs her mother's presence and support if possible; the family at home needs her more. They can sustain her absence for a while, but she cannot abandon them for long! The household is not really a machine that carries on without her. The littles feel quite bereft when mother is gone. Don't be fooled by the young child's inability to express what is going on inside. After a time, her husband too will pine and wilt under the sense of formlessness of the home without her.
Dinner together is of the utmost importance for family life, for the younger children just as much as it was for the older ones when they were little, and absolutely decisive for the marriage, which will fall apart if not observed on a regular basis (when possible — the Holy Spirit will have to provide in the case of deployments or necessary crazy shift work and so on). What to do when the older ones leave and the middle ones have jobs and outside obligations? I discuss that here (and in my book!).
In other words, mother really does keep the home, and it's real work. The stress is not least of all on her heart. That is where prayer really comes in: the ongoing conversation with God about where to put our energy — where He wants us to put it.
If in the incredibly busy middle years (that second decade) of the family's development, the parents neglect the center of their life together — prayer, dinner, Sundays as a day of rest — they will find destruction looming. In large families this destruction is far more obvious than in small ones, because there are more people involved! But even in small ones all this holds true, so it's no remedy to intentionally limit family size as a hedge against misery.
The lockdowns of the past few years have made the pressures even worse. In general, everyone is more depressed and more confused about where true order lies and how to participate in it. Flitting away, even to “do good” somewhere else, even to follow some dream of fulfillment, even to take refuge at the big box store for an hour or two, as meaningless as that might seem, might feel appropriate and necessary at the time, but it's disorderly, out of harmony with duty, it will do harm.
There is no magic identity that can protect us in itself, without our inner cooperation — not even our faith. Simply being “a Catholic” or “a Christian” or “having a large family” won't bestow a sort of trump card to get us out of misery.
There is no shortcut to happiness, and happiness may elude us here, for our real home is elsewhere. We have to become good and continue to grow in virtue, even as we fail and remain miserable sinners. We need God's grace, but He can't work if we are thwarting His established order. We really harm others' faith and hope when we act as if one thing, such as having a large family (if God grants us one!) is itself a ticket to heaven.
What is the remedy? To commit even more to the real elements that keep us in the bonds of love, even though they may seem almost trivial. Can having dinner together really make that much of a difference? Yes! Will it solve everything? No. Human nature is what it is, and we are all bent on making a hash of things here in this world. But we have to keep trying by sorting things out according to our duties, and not give in to the idea that it doesn't matter. I go into all this in depth in my book, The Summa Domestica! And The Little Oratory is even more important. (I'm not trying to hawk my wares, except in that I think I explained it all better, and in more detail, in the books!)
Home is where the heart is. We will never have to stop working and sacrificing for it.
bits & pieces
- Remember when I told you about how to teach writing, and how my son Joseph (who is now a journalist and editor!) started a family newspaper? This article by Dixie Dillon Lane has my back: In Schooling as in Life, More Than Enough is Too Much
- Your young chemist might appreciate this article: Shaking Ordinary Ice (Very Hard) Transformed It Into Something Never Seen Before
- Continuing my obsession with Shetland knitting! This episode has a wonderful interview with Shetland sisters, master knitters. (You can skip ahead to view it.)
- The campaign to ban gas stoves is real and hasn't gone away. If you don't have a subscription to the WSJ, you can read the article here.
from the archives
- How to teach writing. (All the other writing posts are linked at the bottom of that one, or get my book — Volume 2 has it all laid out in chapters, and there's an index!) As you think about next year's curriculum, you might want to peruse my archives on such matters.
liturgical living
In the old calendar, tomorrow begins Septuagesima: The Time that the Land Forgot. I think it's worth beginning to incorporate the observance of these three weeks before Lent in our own homes even if we are not necessarily going to the Traditional Latin Mass, even though I'm on record as not wanting to think about Lent until the last minute, because in breaking news from the human race, I don't like fasting!
help us recover from our cyber attack — remind your friends about us and —
follow us everywhere!
My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!
My “random thoughts no pictures” blog, Happy Despite Them — receive it by email if you like, or bookmark, so you don’t miss a thing!
My new podcast can be found on the Restoration of Christian Culture website (and you can find it where you listen to such things) — be sure to check out the other offerings there!
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Consider subscribing to this blog by email. In the current situation, if we can’t meet here, it would be good for us to be connected by email!
We share pretty pictures: Auntie Leila’s Instagram, Rosie’s Instagram, Deirdre’s Instagram. Bridget’s Instagram.
Auntie Leila’s Facebook (you can just follow)
The boards of the others: Rosie’s Pinterest. Sukie’s Pinterest. Deirdre’s Pinterest. Habou’s Pinterest (you can still get a lot of inspiration here! and say a prayer for her!). Bridget’s Pinterest.
Catie H says
What a wonderful reminder of a post, Leila. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
We’ve been married for 18 years and have 9 children – all homeschooled. Our oldest child is tackling the SAT and applying to colleges, we’re trying to discern high school options for our teenage son, and our 9th baby who just arrived before Christmas was born with a birth defect which requires a lot of extra care and attention. Most days I don’t know where to put my focus! And yet this gentle but firm reminder really helped.
Thank you so much. ❤️
Dixie says
My name appearing on Auntie Leila’s blog? Swoon. I have *arrived.*
So glad you survived the cyber attack!!
Leila says
Haha congrats! Good post!
We are slowly wending our way back…
Jen A says
What does this mean? No volunteering or going places alone? How does one discern things like how often one leaves evenings or weekends? I really think my mental health would suffer if I never visited with girlfriends or my family of origin… went to church events or retreats…
Leila says
No volunteering? No going places alone?
Hmm… not sure where you got that from. I certainly didn’t even hint at such a conclusion in my post.
Again, we have to pray. God will show us.
Let me give an example. For one of my daughters’ babies, I ended up being away from my own home for three weeks. Even though I felt that she really could have used my presence for longer, I had to leave her and go back. It was a hard decision and I felt torn. But I believe it was the right one, because my duty is to my husband and to my (remaining) child at home. For us in our situation, more than three weeks was going to be too long.
This is discerned in listening and in prayer. God puts in the heart what one’s duties are.
Leaving home for two hours can be selfish in a way that leaving for a week might not be. It’s all in intention and in objective facts about WHAT it is that we are leaving and in what condition!
I’m saying (and again, I say it at more length and in more detail in my book) that younger children can really suffer if the older children suck up all the energy and attention. They might not seem to be suffering, but I have seen enough mixed-up youngest children to know that we have to not let ourselves get too tired out. We can’t give up!
But why on earth wouldn’t you be able to visit with your girlfriends? Go have a blast!
Cirelo says
If I were going to guess, I think maybe you are reading into the “going into a boxstore” line? I think what we’re talking about here is the idea that halfhazard attemps wrongly directed at “self care” are going to be destructive rather than constructive if they are not properly ordered. I think perhaps in psych lingo you might call this escapism. And I think it’s an important one to talk about because right now we have a lot of terrible worldly examples in this arena (can we say “treat yo self?”) and that can be confusing to us! There are lots of ways to live in denial or run away from our work and sometimes it can give us a lot of outside validation that we crave! I know I’ve struggled with escapism a lot at times and often it involved me obsessively reading housing listings. I felt very dissatisfied in my marriage at the time and I thought a different house/town/community would fix my unhappiness. It kept me from doing the real work of examining myself and figuring out what the problem was. It prolonged the unhappiness even though I validated and justified what I was doing. Thanks be to God I realized my problem was in me and that’s where my duty lay! I NEVER have that desire to scroll listings anymore since I’ve faced my life squarely. Now I know we will move one day and I’ll get the chance to go shopping for houses then with that intention in mind, not as an escape from any houses and I know that house will be a blessing not a curse for me then! I don’t know if that sort of helps explain the distinction? I’ve made all the mistakes in this area swinging from all directions from wildly self depriving and harming myself to being crazily indulgent. Honestly, I think Leila’s advice over the years has been one of the greatest sources to FREE me from guilt and vacillating by helping me understand my duty. Maybe reading some of her other posts will give you more context?
Cirelo says
Ahh forgive my phone typos!!
Leila says
Thank you. A helpful and well put reflection… glory to God!
Annie says
Yes thank you for this clarification. I came here specifically to ask about the big box store line. I didn’t *think* Auntie Leila really meant never leaving by oneself, but I did think it *sounded* like that’s what she was saying.
Anamaria says
This is great. I find that I am more tempted towards escapism when I am neglecting my duty to myself, toward real rest and friendship- that increases the temptation to scroll or otherwise escape (too old and tired to want to go to target 😆). Rest is restorative; escapism is not!
Lisa G. says
Yes, it was cold this morning!! Nine below, here in north central Ct.
Em says
I cannot tell you how much I look forward to the links at the end of all your posts. l love to read them throughout the week and share with my husband. You always curate such a nice set of varied pieces, both wholesome and critical. Thank you!
Leigh says
This was a hearty validation for all of us working and praying our hearts out on the homefront. It IS real work, though I can’t wrap my mind around how slipping away for an hour or two … or fulfilling a dream, as you say… falls under disorder and failure of duty. Could you explain a bit more?
I’ve seen this way of thinking play out in my community of (second generation) home schooled women who are now wives and mothers. Our mamas did it the “right” way, they never “escaped” us for a moment, we love them for it, and we want to give our children the same gift. But then I see … I watch … how many of us live and move under this kind of shadow, and it spreads over our decision-making. To be “good” wives and mother, to have the BEST possible outcome for our marriage and for our children’s spiritual formation and futures, we need to ensure x, y, z … things like examining trips to Target … considering whether time at the library sans small children is an act of omission … holding ntellectual life outside the home, i.e. mother taking a class, becoming a certified naturalist, finishing a degree, etc. especially suspect because it will inevitably lead to the demise of family life.
I understand how our culture over-emphasizes self-care and misleads, but to assume moments of relief OF duty (especially in that physically demanding first decade) is simply escape, neglect of duty — that doesn’t settle quite right in my soul! I feel it could be misleading for the very young mother … and would appreciate any comments for more clarity.
Leila says
The problem with me giving a warning is that all the truly well meaning readers take it to heart, and the ones who need to hear are not reading! But maybe it’s good, because it gives the conscientious ones good practice in saying “I don’t think she means me.”
Let me say this: *I* can’t say what constitutes failure of duty in things that seem good in themselves. Only each person can say this for herself. I brought up the hour in Target because it’s a meme I encounter a lot on social media as a sort of validation for escape, which in turn presupposes that assumption that we are somehow at odds (or even at war!) with the ones we actually love. But we can’t let others whose motives we don’t know provide validation for anything! We validate by our own consciences.
In the post, I actually focus more on activities that parents (often retired or coasting in ways that those with big families can only imagine) engage in with their (grown or nearly grown) children. I see parents almost making it a hobby or a retirement activity to involve themselves in their lives. But I don’t think it’s healthy. Right now we are at a sort of turning point, where there are many communities with big families who don’t have the cultural support to make good choices, but they do have plenty of examples of intentionally limited families spending time and money in counterproductive ways. And the littles in the family are suffering from that situation.
Mothers get very tired, understandably! We all need relief — I think it would be a big mistake to be scrupulous about this. It’s nice to take a walk, go shopping, take a class, and so on. Everyone should always be learning more, for sure. You know I’m a big promoter of taking a nap! And rest in general.
But is indulgence the same as recovery? Is mindlessness the same as restoration? What does the world want us to do? What ought we to do? How can we rest and be creative without slipping into bad habits or avoiding duty?
It’s a good thing to help our senior in high school with a paper and go to parents’ day at the college.
What I’m saying is that the home needs us, husband needs us, and the younger children need us. We put so much into making our family and the means of doing this is really the older children — it’s in them that we’ve invested and from them that we’ve gotten our own identity as family. We actually look to them for affirmation. But we have to let them go (and let the desire for affirmation go) insofar as the younger children *also* need attention and careful raising (and independence, and a can-do attitude, and discipline, and all the nice and good things we strove to give our older children!).
Husbands also need to feel that their wives are not always seeking to go elsewhere. Since I’m primarily talking to wives, I say this… but many men are also escaping in ways that are just that — escape — and not actually good activities. Let’s face it: our culture puts a premium on *entertainment* and we have to be ready to resist that when it threatens to take over our responsibilities. Is the husband spending more time with buddies and at work (that he hasn’t really ordered well) when he could simply be there at the dinner table with his family — or is *no one* at the dinner table because everyone is so “busy”? If the mother doesn’t give thought to how the time is ordered so that the family can gather at the dinner table, who will do it?
Yet, it does *not* all depend on us (mothers) — the success or failure of our family. Nevertheless, it’s a mistake to think that having at some distant time committed to this enterprise, we no longer have to put any thought, prayer, or energy into it, that we could leave for extended periods of time in ways that we wouldn’t have when there were only littles at home, or that it doesn’t matter how much time our littles spend in front of screens, etc. — or that our older girls can raise them while we go do something else.
But only the person himself can figure it out. I actually think we need to stop seeking so much in the way of specifics from outsiders and rely more on our own responsibility and sense of duty. What’s our OWN vision for our family and for the future when the children are grown and gone and we are here with spouse? Are we living according to the pattern we know is the right one for our family? I know very well when my seeking for alone time is a necessary restorative and when it’s just an escape with no good purpose. I can tell the difference for myself, in God’s presence! And I can choose wisely how to act.
Eva Marie says
I love this conversation!
Because for me, it’s absolutely escapism to go on a girls’ weekend retreat or to go on a shopping excursion with friends or wander around Target. It doesn’t make me happier, but leaves me feeling emptier at the end.
But playing the piano? That’s restorative! Going to theme parks with my husband but no kids? Totally relationship building.
For my friends, retreats and shopping with buddies are lifelines that keep them sane, stable, happy, and ready to take care of their families! And that’s wonderful that they realize what they need to be well.
It’s such an excellent lesson in judging for ourselves what is best through the help of the Holy Spirit.
Abigail Badillo says
Thank you for this chance to reflect! Feeling the tug a little myself, as I just had a new baby in Oct. My oldest will be 14 in June. I’ve lamented many times in the last several months to my own mom that it is a struggle to balance the needs of all the ages… that I couldn’t just rest while pregnant as I perhaps did with my older kids, because our life is so much more busy now. Then this little guy was born into the worst RSV season in a very long time. Being a good mom to him has meant that we’ve had to sit out a lot of things that we’d normally be doing – even things like library trips had to be put on pause for a bit.
One of the solutions that we’ve hit on is that actually my husband has had to get more involved with the “activities” than he has before… he’s been the one bringing daughter to her riding lesson, kids to their 4-H meeting, kids to appointments (we have admittedly been very blessed, he is a federal worker so benefited from 12 weeks of paid leave this time around, and is using it in a wise fashion). Ordinarily I’d be trying to truck all the kids to all the things, and yes, the baby (and honestly the 5yo as well) would be getting the short end of the stick. Instead Dad is getting a chance for more one-on-one time with the older kids, and getting to be more involved in their interests and activities. I personally miss the adult social interactions that come about through those activities, but as my mom has kept reminding me, every baby deserves the same kind of mothering that you gave to your first and second, as far as it is humanly possible to provide that.
I do think babies can be pretty portable, but I have known a lot of families through the years that, for instance, utterly gave up on trying to be home at naptime for the youngest ones, or made them spend hours riding around in cars because of the activity “needs” of the older ones… It does seem to me that our older children can benefit from a moderate amount of learning to be unselfish and forego things that require an undue amount of stress for the youngest ones. Sometimes it can, too, be an opportunity for the (hopefully present) wider circle around the family to help out – for grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. to facilitate things occasionally. But just as I’m not a fan of well meaning helpers swooping in to hold the newborn while Mom cleans the house, I do think that it is Mom who is most needed at home with the littles while others take the older ones to things, not the other way round. It is definitely all a balancing act, though, and I’m the first to admit that I feel a bit out at sea trying to figure it out! Thank you for the affirmation that the current culture of intense activity levels and involvement in the teen years isn’t necessarily the historical norm, or ideal.
Leila says
Yes, Abigail –one thing you said is bringing back to me some memories, which is when you have a large family or are open to life and are given a baby when your oldest is a teen, you feel that you are burning *yourself* at both ends! Staying up a bit late to talk to the teen, waking up at night for the baby, getting up early because that’s what babies do!
It can feel trapping. But the solution is not to run away. It’s to take a nap in the middle of the day, get help for the cleaning if you can (not the baby holding, as you say!), enlisting the teen to wash a floor, and in general accepting that this is a season, and it will pass.
Some moms have lost all control and don’t know what to do. But — If home doesn’t feel cozy or happy, well, who will make it so? There is no peace “out there” without peace “in here.”
Jen says
So well said Abigail! My oldest was 13.5 when our youngest was born. It’a been 15 years since then, but your words took me RIGHT back to those days. All the best wishes to your family.
Rain says
Thank you Leila! I I really needed to hear this!
I have 2 adult children, 3 teenagers who have outside obligations and two younger children who are 12 and 5. I have felt myself torn as to what my focus should be now. I have been homeschooling for going on 25 years and am tired! My husband turns 57 this year and I will be 52. All of our friends are empty nesters. We clearly are not. It can be very isolating. Our friends are living it up in their pre-retirement years and then the parents I meet with younger children are themselves very young and have completely different parenting styles. The only homeschool groups that I have found in my community are what I call rainbow homeschoolers. This way of life is not for the faint of heart I tell you. Thanks for the encouragement. I really need to re-commit to my home though I would love to find some likeminded community.
xo
jadeddrifter says
Interesting, what are Rainbow homeschoolers?
Mrs. T says
I agree with your points on parents being overly involved in older children’s lives, due in part to prosperity and small family size.
On the other hand, we are in the process of intently scrutinizing our oldest child’s life (he’s 15). We’ve had to be over involved in a level my parents never had to. Years of homeschooling, careful selection of playmates, family dinners and nightly rosaries haven’t seemed to hedge us against miseries. Out of sheer exhaustion we enrolled him in a local public school the past two years, to his detriment. He’s had to be removed from our home due to the chaos he creates. There is a hole in our family. We are in the process of removing him from public school and hope to enroll him in a good Catholic school, away from home. He needs a fresh start, he’s headed down a slippery path. It is unfair how much energy and attention he has taken away from the rest of our children. We’ve had to micro manage every step he takes. It’s an incredible challenge. I recently had an in law tell me I am a failure of a mother in front of my other, little children. It seems as though our family is under full blown attack. At this point I applaud myself simply for getting dinner on the table, keeping up with laundry and reading to my little ones. Smiling. Being patient. The little things.
This post is not meant to sound fatalist or disparaging, but to simply reinforce what you are saying, Auntie Leila. I must be home!! It truly feels as though it is the world against our family. A battle every day. I search for Our Lady’s hand regularly and pray several rosaries a day. I give it to her.
Leila says
This is hard, I’m sorry.
I think the overall point is that women leaving the home is an idea that relies on EVERYTHING going right. No one getting sick or needing to be in the NICU, no one having mental or emotional difficulties, no sudden economic setbacks, no fires, no bad things ever happening. There is no slack in the family where schedules are tight and both parents are gone.
But no matter what, we have to realize that each person has his own free will. We can’t change that. We can only do our best, pray, and hang in there! God bless you.
Mrs. T says
I agree with you. It would be much harder if I was not here. I am thankful that I am able to keep the home fires burning.
Mary Keane says
Hi, Mrs. T, my heart goes out to you today and I just had to offer you a few kind words. I will be praying for your boy and your whole family, especially for peace for your mother heart. That’s terrible what your in-law said to you. It’s a lie, straight from the Prince of Lies. You are giving everything to Our Lord and Our Lady constantly, and that is the definition of faithfulness. Our Lord will work miracles with that.
My oldest is also a high-need boy, on the cusp of teendom. We have six children. The school age ones went to a good Catholic school last year, out of sheer exhaustion, but we brought them all home again this year. That oldest boy certainly takes more than 1/6 of my mothering energy and I feel like a failure with him more days than not. So I will be offering my efforts with him today for you. We’re considering a boarding school for high school as well.
Mrs. T says
Thank you for your kind words. We will take all the prayers we can get! I will pray for you, too.
Mrs. T says
Thank you for your kind words.
JM says
Thank you! I came to browse back posts after a discouraging conversation with my five teenagers regarding sacrifice for the sake of family and exercise as a form of recreation. This clarified the nagging disquiet going on in my mind while I listened to them defend people spending hours on exercise. I realized how I’ve been “coasting” in our family’s formation while I still have six under 11 to mother. I can see how its for me to discern in what ways I’ve been neglecting or not neglecting my duties, but the hard part is lacking confidence in that discernment. Thank you for validating that intuition (nudge of the Holy Spirit), even while you say to stop seeking outside validation. Bless you, Auntie Leila!