What do we have so far in this little series about the moral life of the child and how to nurture it?
Part 1: My preliminary musings on a sort of sadness and loss of meaning that comes from trying to live life without reference to our moral nature.
Part 2: Things grow according to their nature: God gives very young children a mother, a father, and family life to teach them that things are; a child at at the age of reason starts the simple task of memorizing the Commandments, with a necessary but small amount of instruction.
Part 3: A bit more about teaching the Ten Commandments, with some resources that can take you right up to to the point where the child is intellectually able to delve deeper and more analytically into the truths of the faith, and most importantly, has the beginnings of the habits of virtue that must undergird such a study.
Part 4: The older child, and why don't we just read the Catechism of the Catholic Church with him?
I think this might be my last post here on this topic. Maybe I will elaborate in my book! I could talk about all this for a good long time (did you know I could speak to your group about it?).
In Parts 1 and 2 I tried to explain that nothing replaces a loving mother and father who can deal sensitively with the little moral crises of the very young child. In fact, the child knows God only through the parents (in the normal course of things) at this point, for the reason that God entrusts to the parents the privilege of making the child aware of the world beyond the home. Here you get a glimpse something profound: The three Commandments that relate to honoring God give way to the six relating to man's neighbor by means of the hinge Commandment, the fourth, in which the positive “honor your father and your mother” links the two vital precepts, love the Lord your God and love your neighbor as yourself.
It's sometimes hard to trust in this truth.
Our age, having done its utmost to destroy the family's unique role, then replaces it with a condescending pedagogy, serving up capsules of dry lessons, explaining its pat observations with unrelieved tedium.
“Sometimes adults can be confusing and mess things up,” our apostles of therapeutic helpfulness directly inform the child. But he may not want to hear or be ready for this disturbing bit of information! After all, as Bruno Bettelheim so admirably explained in The Meaning and Importance of Fairy Tales, what child can admit to himself that his parents are weak? What recourse would he have?
Good point, we say. And then… go on to put our hopes in some variant of this misbegotten form of education, the “character building” program for ethical living. It's like an addiction: even if we know that we are not succeeding in teaching children, we keep wasting time on failed methods. Or we settle for pacification, entertainment, and quiet (for us, if not for the children) — and neglect.
I hope I've convinced you so far of importance of teaching the Ten Commandments and the Eight Beatitudes. It is possible that even these revelations from God could devolve into the same dry dust that chokes, rather than the life-giving water they are meant to be.
That is why I return to the importance of the imagination, the formation of which is the most fundamental step in the moral education of the child, and can only take place by gradual degrees in the bosom of the family, with the delicate support of other institutions if possible. As important as fairy tales are for healthy emotional development, they are even more so for moral development, especially for the virtue of fortitude that is so necessary to accomplish the good.
Perhaps a glimpse of The Six Swans, a fairy tale I dearly love (but I could have chosen a dozen others), can illuminate another, more time-tested way. This story opens with a few deft, artful strokes that capture the human condition, with a little commentary from me in brackets:
A king was once hunting in a great wood [and the wood is life itself], and he hunted the game so eagerly that none of this courtiers could follow him. [The king is subject to his passions, which are represented by hunting. The listener immediately knows that he doesn't exercise self-control; consequently, his courtiers, who serve him, but who also merit protection from him, are left behind.]
When evening came on, he stood still and looked round him, and he saw that he had quite lost himself. [This is the perfect way of expressing the situation, is it not? No one did it to him — he lost himself. He's king, after all; but the implicit message is that with great power comes the need for great self-control.] He sought a way out, but could find none. Then he saw an old woman with a shaking head coming towards him; but she was a witch.
Now the troubles of the story begin. In exchange for her help in finding a way out of the wood, he must marry the beautiful daughter of the witch. Despite her beauty, the king “could not look at her without a secret feeling of horror.” What an interesting warning note that is! Nevertheless, he marries her because he feels compelled to.
He has six boys and one girl by his first wife, whose fate we are not told. (Bettelheim points out that the stepmother is the fairytale's device for avoiding the devastating effects on the vulnerable child of too harsh an exposure of the mother.)
There is something going on in this story with the needs, desires, and relationships of this king that is not made clear, and this too is true to life. Only when they grow up do children realize how complex their parents' inner lives often are or were — parents want to teach the child to be good, but have struggles of their own. This is just something about life that we have to accept, and something that the fairy tale acknowledges.
Because of this father's unbridled selfishness, his whole family is plunged into captivity and abandonment. Only the self-sacrifice of the girl (who represents the soul) can rescue the brothers (who represent the facets of the personality that must be integrated in order to reach maturity, both psychological and moral), who have been turned into swans by the witch.
With great difficulty, the girl sews shirts that will release her brothers from their enchantment, but to succeed, she may not speak, not even to her husband, not even to save her own life from terrible accusations that lead her to execution. You might say that there is a seemingly arbitrary commandment that she must follow, just as the moral code seems arbitrary to the child, at first — or she will fail.
Her toil and suffering — and great courage — represent the inner workings of the soul, which must take place without articulation for the most part, even when life seems in danger. As parents, do we know how the interior life develops, and do we respect it and trust in its unseen power?
In the end, the girl is saved from death at the last moment when, true to her mission to the end, she throws the shirts over her brothers' heads. Only the final sleeve isn't completed, so the youngest brother must be content with a swan's wing rather than a man's arm. Here, with a masterful and unexpected detail, the story helps us accept that we can never quite conquer our passions in this life, but nevertheless, we can be assured that all will be well and we will escape the burning pyre, just as the sister does. When she finally speaks, she gives voice to this promise:
“Dearest husband… now I can tell you openly that I am innocent… ” The King and the Queen [that is, the girl] with their six brothers lived many years in happiness and peace.
If we are honest with ourselves as parents, we realize that we will eventually and probably continually commit the fault of the king. Honesty about our own shortcomings ought to bring a lot of gratitude for the help that fairy tales offer — that is, that the collective memory preserves for us in our weakness.
I believe that stories like The Six Swans help us to understand the mystery of being good — and that we can't reduce the learning of it to a more manageable process.
The child listens to the story, reads it over and over, and absorbs not only its meaning on some level, but also the meaning embedded in the parent's approval and telling of it. “If my mother takes time to read me this story,” he thinks, “it must have meaning for me.”
We need precepts. We need — acutely — the Ten Commandments. We need the Proclamation of the Kingdom, the Beatitudes.
And we need beauty with its hidden ways of radiating the splendor of truth. “All art is hidden” says the poet Ovid. A beautiful story can accomplish what years of explanation cannot.
We need both beauty and precept, and only in the family do the two strands weave into a meaningful sort of formation.
In his Spirit of the Liturgy, Roman Guardini writes:
When life lacks the austere guidance of the sense of purpose it degenerates into pseudo-aestheticism. But when it is forced into the rigid framework that is the purely purposeful conception of the world, it droops and perishes. The two conceptions are interdependent. Purpose is the goal of all effort, labor and organization, meaning is the essence of existence, of flourishing, ripening life. Purpose and meaning, effort and growth, activity and production, organization and creation–these are the two poles of existence.
I've only looked briefly at one story here. There are so many (including other kinds of good literature we discuss elsewhere on the blog . Taken together, they illuminate with the power of imagination, the reality that the world has its appearances but that there exists another plane, a kingdom, you might say, in which the last will be first, a determined girl can save her brothers, the good will be rewarded in unexpected ways, and the innocent have grace on their side.
For more on the fairy stories in the Lang series of fairy tales — and the importance of beauty in the development of the child, read this post.
Besides the Yellow Fairy Book (and all the other “colored” ones in the series), this post has many suggestions of stories for young children, in the context of the Ask Auntie Leila question, “Are Fairy Tales Always Appropriate?”
For more on the unhelpfulness of books that directly aim to build character, read this this post.
Adele says
This post reminds me of Sarah Clarkson’s idea of being story formed. The concept is beautifully addressed in her interview on the Read Aloud Revival and amongstlovelythings.com. Thank you so much for your insights Auntie Leila.
Bley says
Wonderful! My eight year old son has become captivated by the Andrew Lang fairy books. I see glimpses of the truths he is learning there in his conversation and questions. So much better than hitting him over the head with virtue:)
Becky g says
This is one of my favorite posts, ever. We can’t get enough of the true fairy tales. I have a big old copy of Grimm’s, which I use to learn a story, and then tell it orally (not reading it aloud). I think the children take the stories in even more deeply when the story is told, rather than read. It communicates something about the story’s importance, and shows that this is something different from other story books. When we want to read together and enjoy pictures, I use a collection with illustrations by Bernadette Watts. Her work is very dreamy and beautiful. Thanks again for a wonderful post!
Leila says
Thanks, Becky! You are so right — *telling* the story is an art in itself, and such an important one. We really have to challenge ourselves to try to incorporate as many of the details as we can, and to use beautiful language – -and that will enhance our other efforts at communication, as well as offer the children a truly meaningful experience of the imagination.
Becky g says
Yes! Picture-language is key. And remembering the details. I find that reading the story through 3 times in a row is usually enough to manage a “telling” the next day. And telling the same story several days in a row doesn’t seem to get old with under 7’s, if it is told well. I do try to keep it to one fairy tale per day, so that I can really let it sink in and make an impression.
Kaitlin says
I’m so glad I read this comment! I’ve been wanting to *tell* my kids stories but felt like I didn’t know any worth telling. I’m embarrassed to say that it never occurred to me to just READ some good ones and memorize them! I’ll be doing this right away!
LJ says
If you do ever come back to this topic. the Lives of the Saints are so important! They build on the fairy tales in that they are REAL… an Italian girl named Maria really did forgive her murderer once, a Roman boy named Tarcisius really did die to protect the Holy Eucharist… oh my goodness, I don’t know where I’d be without the Lives of the Saints! Few people around me as a child were telling me that I should be ready to risk life and limb for the faith, but there was St. Isaac Jogues going back to the Indians with his gnawed-off finger stubs, and here are girls of 13 dying bravely as virgins for Christ… the Lives of the Saints!
Anel says
This post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you!
Do I spy a Protea flower on your dining table? If so, we are so proud of our national flower [which is actually the king protea] of South Africa. Naturally endemic.
The photo’s of the children and family life are so precious..
Leila says
Anel, if you say so — I don’t know the names of the flowers. The bouquet is part of the huge arrangement that was sent to Rosie by Natasha to celebrate the birth of Josephine!
Dixie says
I love these points, and the overarching point you make in several places in this blog about the importance of fairy tales and good stories for children.
Sometimes I look back and think, would I even know about X virtue without all the books I read as a child? There are virtues and warnings in books that have somehow fallen out of conversation outside of books, except in certain families. Concepts of honor and duty and chivalry, for example. There is no urging of young people to be honorable — without books, I don’t think I would even have known the concept. I think the idea of even having an honor to uphold is lost.
Now, we have Auntie Leila to remind us about duty, thank goodness. But otherwise…
I think that fewer and fewer people in general have these ideas even on their radar, largely because of having grown up with posing, signalling trash taking the place of wise stories.
Claire says
I am nearing 60, and still the old fairy tales of my childhood (thank you, Mom) come back to me some times.
The one I think of so often these days is “The Emperor’s New Clothes.”
Denise says
I just loved reading this post. We need beauty and truth. I have become acutely aware of the fact that habits of virtue happen over time. We need to give our kids time in the family setting. That’s why I have been so adverse to “youth groups” no matter how good people say they are. So much happens in the heart of a regular day spent at home. More than anything anywhere else. Sometimes a child will take a long time to talk to you and suddenly around 4:00 in the afternoon a great conversation that might have been missed if life is cluttered with too much activity. Those can only happen with peaceful time at home.
Noel Miller says
“Sometimes adults can be confusing and mess things up.”
Is this something in a different category from, say, apologizing to my 3 or 6 year old if I lose it and yell or say something unkind?
Leila says
Noel, of course you say whatever you deem appropriate to your child at the time. And certainly a moment of apology to a child would be the right time to say it. I suppose they could draw that conclusion themselves if you simply say you are sorry, but if it’s a point you really want to make, then it’s your place to do it!
What I object to is adults teaching this lesson to children in so many words, wholesale. We aren’t talking about one-on-one conversations, but mass-produced books chock-full of trite and programmatic lessons aimed at a vaguely therapeutic goal of making the child feel good about himself — and us! It’s like the worst of Victorian schoolmarminess with none of the charm!
Mab says
I love this post! Thank you! I have many of the old-fashioned fairy tale books that you have recommended! We were just reading one tonight! My older four (3-10) were all captivated. Thank you for explaining their importance!
Mrs. Bee says
Leila, this is not the first time you mention these “character building programs”, but I don’t really know what they are… I understand if you don’t want to point fingers, but could you give examples? Would the Virtue in Practice put together by the Dominican Sisters in Nashville be one of them? I’m just trying to understand exactly what you are talking about.
The way you put things in this post made me think that the Ten Commandments are to Order what fairy tales are to Wonder. You often talk about all the lessons children can absorb from good stories, and I would say this matches my experience. Like Dixie, I never had any (or many…) “meaningful conversations” with my parents: I learned a lot from books and from simply observing how my family lived (and I don’t mean it in a conscious way – only as an adult I was able to reflect on that.) When you say that not everything needs to be analyzed to death with children, I get what you mean. Growing up is tricky business, though, because it’s obvious to everyone that children from the same family can grow up and choose very different paths… That’s a scary thought for a parent who’s trying to do his best!
So, there IS another book on the horizon! Don’t make us wait too long!! 🙂
Mary Eileen says
Isn’t it kind of sad, the need we have to analyze and explain nowadays, in order to convince others that the current mode of over-analysis and explanation is inimical to the healthy maturation of the child’s moral sense?
It’s so weird to live in a time when age old, trusted methods of expression and art forms are scorned.
Of course few do that explanation better than you Leila, and I’m so glad you do!
I think this also relates to the proper orientation of education for homeschoolers. It is easy to be concerned about whether you are “doing enough” for the very young student at home, when many of his or her peers have apparently impressive skills and knowledge learned in a drill environment that has information retention as its main object.
The fact is, at least I *hope* (I’ll get back to you in like 10 years) , that maybe the last thing we need to be concerned about with the very young student is what facts or even rudimentary “school skills” he knows. The 3 Rs and certain facts and pieces of memorization are perfect to introduce, but we’re off the mark if we’re spending loads of time on those things to the neglect of stimulating the imagination with good and beautiful stories and images, at a time when the child is willing and hungry to be told, by his parents, how the world is.
At any rate, I’m going to keep telling myself that as I continue to count “read from Book House for 1 hour” and “fold Mom’s dish towels” as SERIOUS SCHOOL!!!
Jess says
I was inspired and just ordered the blue and yellow fairy books for my brood! The oldest are 7 — I hope I’m not too late.
Teri Pittman says
I like the way it was handled in Mama’s Bank Account. She always talks about having money in the bank, to be used in the event of hard times. The daughter learns, when an adult, that there is no bank account and never has been. Mama tells her “It would not be good for the little ones to be scared.”
Laura says
Same here, thank you. 🙂 I have always felt incompetent at story-telling, but I may just need a little well-placed effort…this gives me hope.
Laura says
Oops ^ that was supposed to go below Becky G’s and Kaitlin’s posts above about telling vs. reading stories.