{I took down the tree, but not the other decorations. After tomorrow! That’s the plan!}
The family is the school of virtue.
This isn’t a vague aspiration. Daily life in a family gives us all sorts of opportunities to practice the habits of mind and spirit (and even muscle memory, thinking of the necessity of inspiring interior restraint about hitting siblings etc) in order to build up goodness, to become better, to be virtuous — even to be saints!
Something I’ve thought about a lot, because I see many counter examples in the wild, but don’t think I’ve written on is how we can teach our children that the inclination to be envious, to be sad or upset when someone else has good fortune or a blessing, is either normal and expected (leading to it becoming a habitual sin) or a failing of our fallen nature that can be resisted.
Each person can — and, to become good, must — make a decision not to succumb to the immediate unpleasant feeling about another’s happiness.
Here’s an example:
Big sister, we’ll call her Chappie A, gets invited to a party that promises all sorts of excitement. Chappie B, slightly younger sibling, experiences an immediate (and certainly understandable) stroke of deprivation, of being left out, of deeply felt outrage at the injustice of the universe.
I want to warn you against the urge to compensate so Chappie B feels better.
Really think about the temptation you feel to say something like, “Don’t worry, Chappie B! You and I will do something really special. I promise. I’ll make it up to you!”
Ultimately, we can identify that envious response, accept it as real, and still help the child make a choice to be happy for the person’s good fortune — and not sorry for himself.
Self-pity is an ugly state.
That’s a tall order, but it’s exactly what real charity is and what this school must teach. Probably all of us have to work on it! I know I do. So we’ll learn together. (As with everything in the family, the parents are learning too! It truly is a learning community of virtue!)
One thing to mention to your child is how good God is to us in everything. It’s not what he feels right then! However, if we don’t fixate on this one “forbidden fruit” — the thing we’re missing out on — and all the cascading effects of that fixation, where we actually end up sort of hating the person with the good fortune — we come to realize that there are times that we are Chappie A! Something good befalls us! Life will go on and good things will happen. These are the conversations (however brief — you know, not a lecture) we can have.
We certainly don’t want others to envy us, feel bad, or God forbid, start hating us in that instance. So in true “do unto others as you would be done by” fashion, we have to learn the right way to react. Reactions are not necessarily pre-determined. Or if they happen, we can redirect them. We can learn that.
Help your child by saying, “Let’s be happy for Chappie A! It’s okay. I know you feel left out, but your turn will come. Meanwhile, let’s just enjoy this day, knowing she will have fun!”
I found that my own children learned, very quickly, to accept such a situation. I didn’t need to provide some big reward to take their minds off their woebegone state. It’s okay to have a bit of a cry and then cheerfully move on without expecting any compensation.
We would go on with our day as usual. I made a point of it” If something nice turned up, great! If not, also great.
Over time, they really do learn the lesson that good things happen to them too. They learn to be patient. They learn to be happy for each other. I learned a lot from them too, as you can imagine!
In this way we can fulfill the exhortation to “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love” (Romans 10).
The truth is, Chappie B might actually end up being happy with a quiet day at home, spent normally, and it’s funny how the removal of one child can change the balance at home in a positive way after all.
Just because Chappie A is going out, doesn’t mean everyone has to go out at that moment. In fact, the appetite for excitement is something very easily and irrationally increased if we choose to feed it intentionally, not to the benefit of anyone.
“Envy is insatiable. The more you concede to it the more it will demand.” C. S. Lewis
Like other appetites, it can be teased out of nothing — manufactured by indulgence. You might not even be thinking about cheeseburgers or even be hungry, but seeing someone else eat a cheeseburger might, if you lack self-control and wallow in thinking about it, create an artificial hunger.
A side benefit (well, actually a main point) is learning the very important lesson that we really can choose what feelings to pay attention to and how to make sure they don’t take over our reason. Learning to be in control of your feelings (not reject them, but acknowledge them and master them if they aren’t helping you) is actually just growing up! Hard for a three-year-old, of course.
But you have to start somewhere!
Education Corner
Every once in a while something like this makes the rounds:
A very nice picture of what Kindergarten goals can be.
Again, a lot of it is about self control (being careful and polite, hanging up your coat, etc). A lot is about noticing what’s around you. There’s movement and there’s sitting nicely. Playing nicely in the sand… it’s so nice!
Other than reading and writing one’s first name, there’s no reading or writing! No math beyond counting. It’s not an academic list at all, per se, yet I think you can see how necessary the list is for excellence in future studies, and for balanced character development.
Children in the ’50s were quite well educated — certainly far better than today. I think this list is worth pondering. It speaks of many tactile and physical experiences for the young child, opportunities that don’t require a classroom, necessarily. A lot of it can be accomplished at home and by going outside. The rest can take place in a friendly group gathered for the purpose of hearing a story or having a fun time singing songs. The family can be inventive in providing the environment for reaching these goals. E.g. making sure to schedule in trips to the seaside, lake, or river; putting up hooks for the child to hang his outwear on; going over what Mama’s phone number is.
“I can take turns” — what a good objective!
bits & pieces
- Are you thinking of doing a study with your high school student of epics, Beowulf, medieval literature, poetry? I have been following Andrew Snyder, professor of theology and philosophy at Regent University, and I have been enjoying his hot Lewis and Tolkien takes! Having watched this video,Introduction to Beowulf, and vetted it for the correct attitude towards how to read a book, how to avoid over-analyzing but rather to be sure to enjoy a story, and what to look for in Beowulf in particular, I am confident in recommending the series for you and your student! That the series, called “Life, Death, and Meaning with Beowulf and Boethius, includes a study of the latter, the reading of whom was instrumental in forming my world view (as it must), is a big, tantalizing bonus. I look forward to that part of the instruction. (This is not any sort of ad — the video is free at the moment to watch and I didn’t receive anything for doing so! And I really enjoyed it very much, finding it stimulating and invigorating — it moves quickly but has a lot of content.)
- Speaking of Boethius, the study of philosophy is a delicate matter, especially of Aristotle and Plato. I believe (and am in good company with Aristotle himself) it’s not a good idea to foist it on the young, who have many patterns of thought to assimilate before approaching it in a systematic way, not to mention spiritual development necessary to undergo. I found this article to be thought-provoking; I am conscious of the irony of its thesis that questions the primacy of the written word, as is the author, Robert Lazu Kmita: The Art of Interpreting Texts: Plato and would be interested to know your opinion of it.
“Corresponding to the act of live philosophy taking place in the Academus School, which was a religious fellowship based on a mutually and freely accepted relationship between master and disciples, this process is usurped by the philosophical text, which is an inanimate and errant ‘phantom.'”
- Women need to resist the urge to be included in institutional meetings. Among other things, meetings are so boring! Reclaiming some of the ancient rituals and customs that honored women is one way to wake up from this destructive nightmare we’re in, where we want to be equal with that which is lower than what God has in mind for us: Women Don’t Need More Ministerial Roles—We Need Churching!
- We need to prevent memory loss about the past five years and our experience of lockdown, censorship, and harm. Fr. John Naugle has written about it all from the point of view of Catholic teaching. He compiled a thread of all his writings here.
from the archives
- Toddlers are not the problem– how to homeschool with them running around!
- Remember when I said not to allow the kids to have the habit of yelling to you from all over? I saw this cartoon and had to laugh!
liturgical living
St. Brigid of Ireland — happy feast day to our Bridget!
Tomorrow is Candlemas! For the first time in forever, I don’t have candles to be blessed — just couldn’t find any. I still have some from last year, and I think I will try to pick up at least the 7-day votives, which I am low on.
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I am a traditional high church Anglican and I had the Churching of women after my three babies were born. Something that struck me each time was how important it was for the Parish, too, to be able to give thanks for the safe arrival of this new life we had all been anticipating together for 9 months. Like the author of this great article says, the custom really elevates the visibility and honour of mothers in the Church.
Also live that clean fingernails is a point on the kindergarten report. Such an underrated skill, but important for good health and just overall pleasantness.
And thank you for talking about the virtue of charity in this way! My 8 and 5 year old are starting to get invited to lots of parties (and I find the hardest times are actually when it’s someone in the family’s birthday. Like Francis the badger says “my birthday is always the one that’s not now!” Certainly feels like it sometimes. We try to say something like “I see that you wish that it was your birthday today. That’s hard. Someday it will be yours, but today it’s Chappie A’s. Let’s help her celebrate and ask God to help us be happy for her.” It’s usually met with growls and whines, but I hope someday it will help! Even when they’re little we try to involve them in making a little gift or card (usually cardboard plcharacters m1with some sort of cardboard dwelling lol…tea boxes with the floppy lids work well). I find that helps a little.
Love some Calvin and Hobbes!
We perform churchings in the Orthodox church. It is one of my favorite rites… women do not come into the church for six weeks after giving birth and it is a wonderful opportunity to rest. Then the baby and the mom together come into the church with special prayers. My favorite part is when the priest makes the sign of the cross… with the baby!
Thank you for your encouragement and kind congratulations on our twins. I feel quite self conscious about it but everyone has been very happy and kind so i just have to get over my worry about my age and grey hair. It’s experience!
Your thoughts on birthdays and special outings are quite timely. With this cold weather and the extra time inside we are dealing with some sibling friction. Good to remember to stop scolding and gently encourage my older ones that we are building virtue. It is hard to know when to console and when to push them a bit to do the hard thing. Often it seems both are needed. As you say, I am learning too.
We made butter today in honor of st. Brigid. And later we’ll have muffins. I love celebrating Liturgical feasts with simple food! Your wood stove looks so cozy.
Thank you for the encouragement about managing emotions— both for myself and our daughters! My 4 yo seems to be galloping away on the horse of her emotions, and we are trying to help her get hold of the reins and stay on the path, as it were. The world may tell her to nurse every impulse and let it run its course—but doesn’t that sound miserable? I hope one day she can enjoy the liberty of having a handle on how she feels. Bless you, Auntie Leila!
Little by little… a 4 yo does really have a LOT of emotions. And that’s okay. Sometimes we all need a good cry! Nothing bad will happen. But yes, the goal has to be for her to be able to see the world as it is, and not as some tremendous drama with her at the center!
Thank you for the endorsement!
The linked Beowulf intro video is near the beginning of a 25-part series on Beowulf and Boethius. Beowulf and Boethius each get 4 main videos that cover the text and 4 shorter videos, such as this one, which provide introductions or discuss connected stories, ideas, and texts.
The entire collection is currently listed at $75, which is the lowest it has been. The live course, which took place fall/winter 2024, ran $200.
I also have a 30-video collection on “The Fiction and Philosophy of C.S. Lewis,” which covers almost all of his major works of fiction. This was from summer 2024.
I’m currently in the midst of a Lord of the Rings course, which will finish around May.
If you and/or anyone else are interested, you can find these courses by going to http://Patreon.com/mythicmind and viewing “collections.”
I currently teach with a few universities, but my long term goal is to go completely independent, teaching courses for the general public as well as homeschool in particular.
So much of this will be helpful to me! I have twins who have basically always been inseparable, which until now has worked great- I’m glad they have each other! But I know the time is coming when it will make more sense and be good for them to split up (brother goes to a soccer game with dad; invited to different parties, like you say; scouts or different teams) and I have wondered how that will work! I’ll take your encouragement to heart that not everything has to be special for everyone all at once, and to be happy for each other as best as we can!
Amusingly, those twins are just now 5 and coming up on kindergarten age. One of them taught himself to write; the other can only write her name, according to her own individual style. The other day she made a “sign” and lamented that there weren’t any words on it. I told her she could write words on it! Her response: “well I guess it will just say [my name]- that’s the only word I can write!” I got a tickle from that and am happy to see she is right on track 😉
Is this the Holy Spirit? Your situation with Chappie A and Chappie B was LITERALLY my day today. Alas, I only read your post tonight…and so, I am sorry to say I did not benefit from your good advice this time around. I allowed Chappie B to wallow in self-pity, even throw a tantrum, I condoled and commiserated with him, and I offered the consolation prize of watching a special movie. But as CS Lewis and yourself already could have guessed, when I returned home from the birthday party with Chappie A, Chappie B was all in a huff because “daddy didn’t let him have popcorn” and later this evening, he was upset again because “he never gets to go anywhere.” So…today I have learned to always read Auntie Leila’s posts first thing in the morning as soon as they are published. I daresay this situation will happen again…are you opposed to the watching of a movie? Not in the “you get to do this as a consolation prize but because this is what we were going to do anyways” sort of way? I’m glad I read your post tonight though because I almost went so far as to offer to take Chappie B out to lunch tomorrow as an equivalent outing. Whew–dodged a bullet there! Keep up the good fight please. We need you.
Love the case study!🤣
I am not opposed to having it turn out to be a very nice day! If watching a movie, going to the park, or some other nice thing happens, great! What I’m opposed to is tying the nice thing to the supposed deprivation the child is feeling, when there is no such thing going on — as you say, a consolation. It’s like the workers in the Gospel. Their pay was not being reduced, just because the workers at the 11th hour were getting the same pay!
And if it turns out to be a decidedly uneventful day, so be it.
We haven’t yet reached a point where one kid gets to do something special and everyone else is jealous, so I’m glad to read your advice. Hopefully, I’ll be able to keep it in mind when the time comes.
Do you have a go-to gift that you give for baptisms in which you are the godparent? My husband and I were asked to be godparents for the first time and I have no idea what sort of gift to give. Thank you!
One nice gift is a holy water bottle to keep some of the water from the baptism font. If you have time, if could be engraved.
If you know the date and name of the child, you can give a beautiful baptismal candle. I have gotten these for some of our grandchildren. https://www.ginaswitzer.com/
She is very accommodating, shipping fast.
I love to give an icon of the child’s patron saint.
Another gift our daughters have given is the start of a nativity, adding a piece each year. That requires keeping track!
I have given my godchildren one of these mugs, engraved with their name and baptism date.
https://www.silverandpewtergifts.com/baby-gifts/pewter-baby-cups/
We give a small cross or crucifix on baby necklace. It can be expensive depending on how many godchildren you have, but it is the Venezuelan tradition (my husband is Venezuelan). And then I do a small religious gift each year on the anniversary and ask a mass to be said for the child. Pretty sure the gift usually gets shared around the siblings, so I do something like a book or child’s missal.
We give this gift as a baptism present, though not (so far at least) as godparents. We have a copy ourselves and love it, very helpful for liturgical living! “Catholic Household Blessings and Prayers”
https://a.co/d/aEV4pX6
I have given godchildren an ornament with the date of their baptism – it’s something that won’t take up too much space but will help them remember the date 😉
We love to give the picture book noahs ark by peter spier and a chewslife rosary. We also ask if they need help purchasing a baptism gown or special blanket.
Hi Leila, the kindergarten checklist from the past photo isn’t showing up and I am so interested to see it!
Thanks for letting me know — I fixed it!