I have heard from so many people this spring that Covid restrictions left them so frustrated with “virtual learning” that they realized they would be better off homeschooling in earnest.
Excellent development.
It's a big pivot, though. Going from serenely dropping your children off at school and having the day to yourself to taking on full responsibility for every detail of their education is a change that isn't easy to accomplish in the space of a school year. Small wonder if you're reeling…
If this is you and you are here because the rabbit hole tumbled you to our door, welcome!
And let me offer a particular bit of advice as you plan the coming academic year.
Put your marriage first. Put your husband first. And schedule a bit of rest into each day.
Homeschooling is exhausting. You must rest. Every day, take some time to sit and relax a bit; not to check things on your phone but to think, pray, and even read (shocking thought, I know).
A common temptation for a couple (and not only homeschooling couples) is to invest so much time and energy in the children and their education that their marriage is neglected.
They lose their enjoyment of each other and the day-to-day rituals and patterns that make life happy.
Since the mother usually has the responsibility of the myriad details of schooling, not to mention housekeeping, it's the husband who can feel that he has lost his place in her heart.
He is nothing if not supportive and full of admiration for his wife's ardor, study, and diligence. But not even a saint can help feeling that he is not his wife's #1. Which he should be!
As we say, he's funding the bliss!
But seriously, it's a matter of good order. Where would the family be without the marriage? Nowhere. What is the point of frantic activity from morning until collapse at night? Nothing.
If the couple loses sight of each other, the result is that good things get pitted against each other — the good of their marriage and the good of the education of the children — which should not be. In fact, the two are one good! To enjoy unity and peace, keep things in their proper order.
I have written about this balance quite a bit. You might look at these posts to understand how to prevent obstacles in marriage and family life, or rather, how to make choices that give the family the best shot at happiness.
Some people just open all the tabs and go through one by one! I promise they will all be in the book!
If at the end of the day you feel not just tired but glazed and spread-eagled and tacked to a board, and each morning feels like the start to a new marathon that is heartbreak hills all the way, you must make it stop by planning a time of rest during the day. Schedule it in.
Trust me when I tell you that I took a nap every day when my children were young. Just an FYI: Quiet Time is an approved subject in Domus Academy (aka Home School).
“But my children will fall behind!” No, they won't. A, we don't know how children learn. B, it's quite clear to me that when they do learn, it's almost entirely unrelated to how much stress their mother has undergone to bring said learning about, unless it's actually inversely proportional.
So, take a few minutes with your morning tea to plan your work so that you are not still going in the evening; make an effort to do the most difficult tasks early in the day. It's one thing to fold laundry in the evening while you watch a show with your husband; it's another to be washing the kitchen floor after bedtime because you couldn't find time for your regular tasks during the day.
Marriage is a precious gift to mankind. Between the baptized it's a sacrament that yields tremendous graces. Put your marriage first. Be generous, and put your marriage first.
{bits & pieces}
- Leila Miller and I wrote a piece for Crisis Magazine that reflects not only what we would like to see happen, but what we have seen happen with our own eyes when men take the lead (and women let them).
- Our friend Doug Mainwaring then wrote a piece that was on his mind — he was kind enough to say that we inspired him: Any men left in Major League Baseball? Airline cockpits? Corporate office suites?
- As happens occasionally, I stumbled across an old piece written by Fr. Mankowski: a review of a book about Flannery O'Connor. Can you imagine being the author and having this said about your book: “Hers is an entirely honorable accomplishment, and, while it doesn’t make the book worth buying, or reading, let it be reckoned unto her as righteousness.”?? Yikes…
- Scientists plan to drop the 14-day embryo rule, a key limit on stem cell research. Troubling to say the least.
- When a comment is posted that says “I'm 7 years late with this but… ” you have to look! Dear Monica shares how she came to set up her Little Oratory! If you have one, share it here in the comments or maybe on Instagram? use the hashtag LittleOratory if you would!
- Someone dug this article up from the distant past (2015) and now I'm posting it for you: The Economics Behind Grandma’s Tuna Casseroles — Don’t judge yesteryear’s cooking by today’s standards.
- You can now order my friend Theresa Fagan's A Mother's List of Books here!
- Excellent article by Suzan Sammons: Locked-Down Women Discover True Freedom. Just remember: Rest, and put your husband first!
from the archives
- Simplify your life with your to-do list (spoiler: it should only have three things on it, according to highly efficient business executives)
- Roots and Wings. “What is the root? Your marriage. So dinner together (once the babies are old enough to be up) means that you and your husband sit down to dinner together, as many days as you can manage, and at least on Sundays.”
liturgical living
Saturday in the Octave of Easter
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Em says
Thank you!
Just wondering what your thoughts are about the role that libraries should have in a children’s education? We have found a disturbing number of books in the children’s section of our local libraries (all run by the same government organisation) with stories about alternative family structures (two dad’s, etc), children experiencing dilemmas over their gender identity and sexual orientation, etc, etc. These books have been everything from picture books to novels, so it’s inescapable.
My eldest devours novels in a matter of hours so it’s impossible and too expensive to buy them regularly and we don’t have many second hand bookshops around here.
I feel like I’m depriving him but seriously this problem is ridiculous.
Surely I’m not the only parent experiencing this problem?
Would love your ideas please!
Leila says
Oh yes, this is what we call a “known problem” — and for years we’ve been tackling it here!
Please go up to the menu bar and click on “Library Project”!
Years and years of posts!
http://likemotherlikedaughter.org/category/lmld-library-project/
Bethanne says
Em, We hear you about the local library. At a certain point, I had to give up the idea that we would “go to the library” to pick up books. Instead, we find books that are good (see Leila’s lists and others) and then we try to put a hold on them. Some of the books are older and unavailable at our local library, but they do have a vast library system (worldcat.org) that most library systems use, where you can even get books from other states. It does take longer and it isn’t as convenient, but souls are at stake.
Emily says
You can order books online from places like Half Price Books! I’ve found some real treasures there over the years. They also have films and music!
I was–and am–a voracious reader and as a child I would spend my allowance on my books, so I relate to your eldest! There’s also the virtue of re-reading. My idea of an ideal Christmas is nothing but books. 🙂
Catherine says
Also, try abebooks.com for inexpensive used books.
Anamaria says
Yes, look at the library post book lists and other good ones and get good books! 1. Library holds! Our system is pretty big so even though each branch has mostly blah books (and some outright terrible as you describe), I can find a lot at other branches- maybe not the best option for those with smaller systems in more progressive areas of the country though 2. inter-library loan, as mentioned above- my husband does this all the time for music, they take a little longer to come in, you can’t renew, and the fines are higher, but you can find anything you want 3. abebooks for sure! I can find a lot for $4/book 4. lend and borrow with friends
Thank you for the great advice, Auntie Leila! I’m not homeschooling because of covid but I needed to hear it, anyway- especially the bit about taking a real rest.
Would love advice on what to do with cranky toddlers during “school”I have two toddlers (1.5 and 2.5), the younger of whom has a tendency to be very cranky.
Leila says
Anamaria, I have some posts about this question but of course I can’t find them now! They will be in the book though…
But I have a pinterest board that might help give you ideas for keeping the littles busy and happy: https://www.pinterest.com/_leila/homeschooling-help/
And don’t forget to keep to your schedule with them. They need a lot of structure including sitting in the high chair with a bit of playdough and plonking in the stroller for a good long walk!
Tiffany says
How did you know what I needed to hear this week? I found your blog years ago browsing online for, “What should postpartum look like?”, you know, what expectations should I have for my days at two weeks, at four weeks, at six weeks? So far I still haven’t turned up any other blog that answers the question well (they must be out there somewhere) but yours turned up and it’s been a regular part of my life ever since.
Anyway, possibly a tongue tie, definitely a slow start baby (let’s see, four babies since) has thrown me, us, for another loop as I’m spending my days on the couch, pumping desperately, nursing in between, getting up for brief sprints to set the children to rights and patch up the disorder- “You are eleven years old! You should be able to run a house with one hand tied behind your back!”- (who am I fooling? I wasn’t at that age) and wishing I could close that 2 oz. milk deficit at the end of the day (instead of grow it).
I told my husband woefully last evening, “This isn’t working”. He said, “I’m just pleased with myself that I figured that out before you did”.
Leila says
Tiffany, glad you found us!
Note to Hubby: The correct answer is “you are amazing!” haha
And you are.
Are you nursing lying down? Be as relaxed as you can. Books on tape for the kids… pumping doesn’t stimulate milk production the way actual nursing does, so anything you can do to just nurse the baby is the way to go. Don’t omit your glass of wine, your oatmeal, your nice fatty foods, and your 4 quarts of liquid of whatever you like every day! Very soon these early days will be but a memory, and you can do a lot in an hour… in a week or two!
Kelsey says
Tiffany, three of my four children were tongue-tied. This is a true cross. I thankfully did not have any supply issues but the fierce and outrageous pain definitely impacted bonding in those early days and contributed to PPD.
We are fortunate to have a dentist near us who does laser revisions. That, and practicing something called the “deep latch technique” (you can find info on the KellyMom website, this only worked for my babies after revision) saved us.
My heart goes out to you and I will keep you in my prayers.
Logan Horne says
I had a slight tongue tie with my seventh. It was interesting because my previous babies had had no problems nursing and this was very different. Incredibly painful!!! I wonder if I hadn’t had such normal previous experiences whether I would have even known something was wrong this time but it made me look into it. because the tongue tie was so slight it didn’t make sense to wait to get an appointment or pay the high cost of getting a frenectomy. but I was desperate for something to change so I tried oral mouth strengthening exercises for infants. They worked really well for us. I just searched on YouTube for videos of things to try. The ones that worked the best were ones that you sort of play ttug of war with your finger to strengthen their suck and draw out their tongue. Also after a couple weeks my baby’s mouth grew larger and the problem resolve so it might be a ‘hang in there” kind of situation!d I know it’s not easy though it’s so painful and it’s not a normal situation! I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with that!
I know another friend of mine had a tongue tie on her fourth and did get the tongue tie cut and it immediately solved the problem so if you’re on the fence and you think it’s severe enough it might be worth it!
Sophie says
Hi Tiffany,
Those first few weeks after a new baby are so hard–even without any complications. I don’t know much about tongue tie, but I did experience a serious tank in my milk supply when I got sick recently. It was so stressful feeling like I couldn’t make enough for the baby (4 months). I randomly picked up a supplement I found on clearance at my store, it is called Gaia Lactation Support. After a day, the difference in supply was major. It really worked for me, and might help you too, who knows?
Best of luck to you, Mamma!
Monica says
Wow, thanks for sharing mine! I love to see everyone else’s little oratories! And I have been a religious follower of yours ever since I discovered you sometime last summer.
Leila says
Thanks for posting!
Anita says
Thank you for writing that you napped every day with young children. I needed hear it. I just have one child (11 month daughter who has always been really active) and am not homeschooling yet. I have been so frustrated with myself for still needing a nap. When I don’t, the evenings are awful. I don’t know if it is from being used to working and having to push through the day no matter what, but I cannot get rid of the guilt if I rest.
Leila says
Anita, I strongly believe that women are harming their bodies by adopting the “push through everything” mentality. It’s a male mentality! Men don’t have the hormone fluctuations that women do. They can push. Women cannot. Doing so will take its toll on your health. (Also be sure to look into taking iron if your fatigue is debilitating — the supplement called Blood Builder is very helpful.)
The remedy is to look at your day as having rhythms. *Schedule* in rest time and take the nap you need, knowing you will energize yourself for better, more efficient active times later in the day. Having rest time is a normal pattern.
By the way, the fact that women can nap during the day makes them ideal candidates for getting up with the newborn or older baby, and in general being more available at night. This is why I say that it’s crazy to tell men that they should take their share of nighttime feedings! A man has to get up and go to work to provide and protect his family. Unless his wife is sick or there is a true emergency, he should sleep and she should do the waking up, knowing that she can compensate during the day. And of course if she’s nursing the baby normally, it will hardly disrupt her to feed him (including that your nursing body provides you with hormones that help you fall asleep easily after a disruption, whereas a man often finds himself just awake).
Annie says
This is 100% my experience. I have 16 month old twins who are nursing and still wake up every night. By necessity my husband had to help me with nighttime feedings when they were tiny, and even now if there’s something I need help with he will wake up and help me, but by and large I do the “nighttime parenting.” As a type A achiever it took me a while to get used to the necessity of daily rest but now I cling to my opportunities to rest and sometimes they are absolutely necessary for functioning!
Catie Hb says
Also Anita, it’s likely the case that you plan, prepare, and serve dinner. In its own way, this is a nice break for your husband and something to be enjoyed at the end of his long work day. If his wife is overtired and thus moody or even weepy, then surely the meal loses much (if not all) of its charm. If instead she is somewhat rested and happy to converse, it definitely builds up the spirit of the dinner table for both him and the whole family. In my opinion, this alone is a worthy reason for an afternoon rest! 🙂
Anita says
Thank you for all of the comments.
I have been more proactive in resting during the afternoon and focusing on thinking that I am doing it for my husband (rather than being lazy). It has made the evenings a lot better. I suppose that it is just a learning curve to realize that I shouldn’t power through the day.
Caitlin says
Lackaday, the Mothers List of Books does not seem to be available!
Leila says
Caitlin, use the email address on the page for purchasing the book and request a copy.
Mrs. T says
Amen, amen, amen. And I’d like to add, as you have mentioned so eloquently before: have a laundry system in place and know what’s for dinner!! I don’t care how “successful” of a homeschool day we’ve had, if laundry is piling up and I’m dodging my children’s questions about what’s for dinner, I feel unaccomplished.
Donna L. says
Thank you, Auntie Leila, for the encouragement about Homeschooling. Although I have been teaching for some time, I really needed a “pick-me-up” at this time of year. I don’t get the January/February burnout–but I sure have it at this time of year! I am waiting in eager anticipation for your book–thank you for the time, thought and energy to bring it to life! God bless you and keep you!
Dixie says
Donna, me too! I always limp to the finish line at the end of the homeschool year. But it’s okay! We make it, and over the course of the year as a whole, I’m always surprised at how much we end up accomplishing.
Leila says
Donna, thank you for all your kind words! You are a dear.