Even homeschooled children will ultimately make their way into a classroom, probably in college or maybe in high school.
When they do, they will need to be able to participate in a good discussion: listening, speaking, venturing their hypotheses, not dominating, not being so reticent that no one notices them. (Not to mention just speaking in groups generally!)
On the other hand, I recently saw a post somewhere where the author, in response to what sounded to me like a valid criticism, stated that she observed her loud, unruly, and (in her own account of the feedback!) overbearing children in some group setting, and decided they were casting off the shackles of convention, and that is a good thing, she thought, proving how free they are and so on.
No, not really!
How do you prepare your child for the experience of sharing ideas with others, which, after all, is truly the joy of education and the delight of learning? How do we help fit a child for interacting with others, especially under tutelage, and then later with others they respect and can benefit from and help in their turn?
It's a problem for teachers and professors that students have few skills for speaking up and being productive in class. Even children who have gone to school lack, demographically speaking, the practice offered by the rough and tumble of sibling competition overseen by prudent parents.
I firmly believe that the dinner table is where the child learns good habits. It's where his personality and ideas grow, receiving the checks and balances needed in the context of a loving circle.
Advent, as a new beginning, is the perfect time to address things in the family that need to be worked on or rectified and in general to make dinnertime enjoyable.
Family dinners can get a big boost in this season if we give a little thought and make a conscious effort to instill new habits — and don't worry! The children are up for it. Far from judging you or thinking less of you for making a change, they are remarkably open to your efforts. Try it.
I have already written it all out for you! It's a chapter in my book (with many surrounding chapters to flesh out the problems, challenges, and details of family life) and there are lots of posts here.
The main points here are seven, and I hope they pique your interest enough for you to read the whole thing:
1. Your children don’t have to sit with you for very long. Manage expectations, including your own. Don't look for instant results: prioritize your conversation with your spouse.
2. Everyone has to be polite. Manners are important. Don't allow rudeness — this is a matter of gentle correction for the very young, who have no context, and swift handling for the older ones. Spouses, be courteous to each other.
3. One conversation. <—- This point is the most important, long-term, for giving even your shyest, most reticent child the confidence to speak up, even in a classroom situation that he feels is intimidating. If you follow this one rule that my husband instituted at the start, you will give your child the gift of being able to speak up in a group. I go into great detail about it. In retrospect, I see how crucial this habit was in making our children pleasant to be around.
4. Children can be asked to stop talking. There is often that one person (hopefully it is a child who can be corrected, and not an adult!) who feels that everything said must pass through him for a reaction. This attitude must be reined in. Learning to listen means that one must, occasionally, stop talking! Say, “It's time now for you to think your own thoughts inside. Stop talking, dear.”
5. “Not of general interest.” Take a tip from a father of twelve! Parents absolutely can and should guide the conversation! With a sense of humor, of course.
6. Be understanding of the younger ones. These things take time. Let your children develop — let them be quite imperfect. Gradually you will see results; be patient.
7. Younger ones are low on the totem pole. Hierarchy in the family is a good thing! Don't let it be overthrown.
If you are interested in many more aspects of each of these points (and if you comment, especially, because chances are I have addressed your concern in the post or its comments — or in my chapter!), do read it all!
Kitchen Corner
I have been musing on how many decisions go into choosing one's aesthetic. There is pressure to get it right. As I ponder my inspiration photos, I realize how many of the details in them are things I would never choose, yet overall I like what's going on.
That gives me hope! It helps me see that “open shelves” and “color” and “mixing it up” and “natural materials” are more important to me than any one particular thing, like stove or even which natural material… I would love a stone floor (though I would break everything on it, so I didn't choose it) but I love a wooden one as well. I actually just love lots of things, though I am also extremely picky! Not sure what my point is… maybe it's that I love lots of things and so the choices seem hard to make, but really, lots of things will work very well for my goal.
Here are some examples of overall delight without necessarily loving every detail or even general clutter (sometimes purposely thrown in for the photo, so you have to ignore those things):
What these pictures have in common, I think, is that each thing in them was chosen because it fit the situation or the person loved it. There seems to be no overall plan.
I can do that!
Knitting Corner
Still plugging along on my color work sweater, Altheda. I had to rip out a lot in figuring out the fit of the body. Several times.
Made some mittens.
Working on some thrummed mittens, which go slowly but are O So Warm and Soft!
Book Corner
A reader sent me this recently published book, The Star of Bethlehem, (affiliate link) and it's really fascinating. The author is a priest who is also an astronomer. I don't know how it jibes with the Star of Bethlehem movie I watched and enjoyed a few years ago. Maybe one of your high school students can compare and contrast! For more on the issue of ancient astrology and contemporary astronomy, I recommend the much longer book, Planet Narnia, by Michael Ward (affiliate link) (who converted from the Anglican Church and is also a priest now!).
On to our links!
bits & pieces
- If you have been doing the Advent wreath over the years and you are looking for prayers with a bit more, also using the Collects of the Sundays, go here.
- Speaking of Michael Ward, here is an article, C. S. Lewis, Jupiter and Christmas, that gives a taste for his scholarship and insight (on my favorite topics).
- We really do need to learn to say no to the busyness, even if the things are good.
- Go here for the free download of our favorite little Advent calendar from Fig & Thimble! (This is the Roman one — they also have an Eastern calendar one).
- A good reflection on the liturgical year, which is a great mystery, actually: Sanctifying Time as the World Ends
- Here is that site that our dear reader Anitra runs, The Family Gamers, all about family board games and tips for playing them! See this post, regarding sore losers. Also do see the comments on this post for helpful thoughts on making board games more pleasurable for all. I particularly appreciated the advice to institute the rule that the winner cleans up.
from the archives
- Don't miss this post, on how to set the family table. Sometimes we don't even realize the practical details that make our dreams come true.
liturgical living
Of course, tomorrow is the First Sunday of Advent. Many feasts are headed our way. Keep calm and remember, a little nod to them, a reading, a small little extra treat to commemorate, this is all we need.
Do remember St. Nicholas, December 6th, if you want to have the children put out their shoes or stockings — maybe pick up some gold coins (they usually have them at Aldi and at the drug store candy counter) and other little chocolates? Some parents have the lovely tradition of giving the children warm socks, slippers, or holiday pajamas on this day. Wish I had thought of it, but I guess I am here to say, you will survive even if you don't do all the things!
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Mrs. Bee says
I have one teen who loves to put out her arguments very strongly, and another one who can’t bear to see his points criticized and taken apart – family conversations double as training in charity, even if it doesn’t always look pretty…
I like your observation that sometimes we’ll get great “decorating” results by not having any precise plan in place, but by simply surrounding ourselves with what we like. It’s not quite possible with a huge renovation like your kitchen, though, because when a space is (re)built from scratch there are by necessity loads of decisions to be made all at once, rather than layered in time, adding one detail now, another in a couple of years. To get everything “right” in one fell swoop feels very intimidating…
We were in your corner of the world for a few days, visiting TMC (again!) and starting off Advent with their very beautiful concert in Manchester, NH. Something tells me those places will become very familiar, let’s see what happens 😉
Leila says
It’s true — so many virtues learned around the dinner table, including parental ones. That is the beauty of God’s plan for the family.
Yes, the kitchen coming up from scratch really has to have some things that are intentional from the start. And in a tricky space like mine, every inch counts, so I can’t just waste areas but need to use it all well. It is indeed quite intimidating! I am much more a make-do sort of person!