Thanks so much for joining in on our virtual “Book Club” — a reading of Wendy Shalit's A Return to Modesty!
Intro is found here
Part 1 is found here
Part 2 is found here
Part 3 is found here
Conclusion is found here
You can join in at any time — the comments are open. By the way, do be aware that if you try to submit a comment with a link, especially a video link, it might go directly to spam, not stopping at “pending for approval” — so do let me know and I will go dig it out. Presuming it's not actually spam.
About That Subject That Is On Our Minds, I won't say anything except this: I understand the consolation of streamed liturgies, but do be sure that you pray with your family without screens for the most part — even praying a “Mass without a priest.” The best thing would be for the father of the family to lead if this is at all possible. Your children won't remember awkwardness; they will remember that the family prayed together.
Jesus has promised us, “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” (Mt 18:20) Even when you are alone, make time to speak to the Lord in silence. Don't make the screen the focus of your little oratory or your heart.
To some this might seem like swimming without a life vest, but now is the acceptable time to try it! I will post helpful links below.
bits & pieces
- Here is the shorter method of praying a “dry Mass” (traditional form).
- Here is the Orthodox “dry liturgy.”
- Beautiful Lenten music: William Byrd, Tristitia et Anxietas; Stabat Mater, Giovanni Battista Pergolesi, one of the most beautiful motets ever composed in my humble opinion. (The first movement is the best known part of this work, but the whole is magnificent.)
- How to make your own bagpipes, if the recorders weren't grating enough. (Jk, learning the recorder is great!)
- Teach your children to read music! Here's one approach. Do you have a favorite method for teaching music theory? Solfège? Let us know in the comments!
- The whole Abolition of Man, from CSLewisDoodle is on YouTube! These are gold. The first one is here.
I actually recommend pausing a lot or even maybe slowing it down a little, just because the concepts are a lot to absorb, even though the language is down to earth. So much that many dismiss AoM as lightweight, I suspect due to the simplicity of the vocabulary. This was a challenge Lewis set for himself: “Any fool can write learned language. The vernacular is the real test.” But the effort to uncover the important ideas he presents will reward the reader, because how a child is educated on a philosophical level makes all the difference to whether he will ultimately achieve the state of a free man or a slave.
Maybe watch this with your girls! The only thing I would say is that, while it is never right to judge a person's soul for what she wears, it is indeed not only acceptable but a cornerstone of our life together to judge conduct. She is certainly right that standards can differ, and that each woman has to decide for herself what her own rules are. But there is definitely immodesty and we need not to relativize this truth.
Without this sort of judgement, society can't help its weaker members and will find, without it, that they are prey to predatory forces (in this category I include perverted designers and greedy manufacturers). We have to be willing to protect those who have no one to help them.
Simply knowing that “people” will disapprove can help an uncertain person make the right choices. It's a balance. We don't want “human respect” to guide our every move — we always must do what is right, even if it goes against convention. But convention, backed up by virtue (in the simple form of the 10 Commandments, the cornerstone of any reasonable society), is a powerful incentive to stay on the right path when one is not very thoughtful.
Thus, I found it helpful with my own children to make comments about fashion choices that are not appropriate: “Poor thing, she will be cold and feel embarrassed.” “I wonder if no one told her that she may think she looks attractive but she is revealing too much.” “A strapless gown is the wrong choice.” (You might feel judged by such a statement, but if we are ever to return to modesty, we have to go there. It's okay to regret a strapless gown, just as some of us might regret our absurd eyeglasses or big hair. It's interesting that we can mock big hair but not revealing dresses! Why is that?)
- We are influenced by the printed word, says Cardinal Meyer (Archbishop of Milwaukee when he wrote this pastoral letter, back in the day) — and today we are influenced by images everywhere, as regards chastity and modesty. For a different, more systematically theological approach to these virtues, read what he says.
from the archives
- It's warming up in most places, but talking about modesty reminds me that my posts on dressing your child in cold weather (really, dressing your child appropriately) has long-term effects for their understanding of the concept of modesty. Don't put off this aspect of formation for when your 16-year-old is heading out the door in a tank top and cut offs.
- Sorry, I have to keep re-upping this, but you do not want to take your child to the ER if you can help it. (They don't want to admit your sick person either — and will send you home with basically these instructions.) How to take care of your sick child.
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Filed Under: {bits and pieces} Tagged With: domestic church, modesty
March 14, 2020 By Leila 21 Comments
Book Club Part 3 with your {bits & pieces}
Continuing our Lenten book club with Part Three! (The previous discussion can be found in the last two posts. The bolded words are the chapter titles.) Against the Curing of Womanhood: We need to stop medicating women out of femininity (just as we need to stop “treating” little boys for being boys). Since the time that Shalit wrote this, the “cure” has stepped up considerably, and now includes the attempt to excise the girl right out of her body via puberty blockers and breast removal surgery. One thing I really want to say is that girls are far, far too stressed out in our culture. The push to achieve is too much. Most people are not meant to achieve in the ways we ask of our children — and the ones who are meant to, will. Another factor that Shalit just doesn't address is the … [Read More…]
Filed Under: {bits and pieces} Tagged With: bank robbery, C. S. Lewis, Flannery O'Connor, sacred architecture
March 7, 2020 By Leila 36 Comments
Book Club Part 2 with your {bits & pieces}
Thanks for all your thoughts on my own book! I will keep you posted on how it's going, including the number of volumes! Continuing with our reading of A Return to Modesty (affiliate link), let's look at Part Two. (Part One is here — we can still continue the discussion in the comments!) Forgiving Modesty: Maybe modesty is a fine virtue, we can't help thinking as we read the compilation of evidence in the book. Maybe, as Shalit says, there really are differences between the sexes, and when we women choose something to wear that is pretty and not provocative, we simply feel more comfortable. We feel more settled in ourselves and more able to cope with the outside world. I grew up in the miniskirt era. Truly, the sheer embarrassment of those days was so scarring. So much energy put … [Read More…]
Filed Under: {bits and pieces} Tagged With: abortion, chant, Communism, euthanasia, Fr. McTeigue, Fr. Pokorsky, God exists, Oregon engineer, secret passage
February 29, 2020 By Leila 109 Comments
Book club! {bits & pieces}
So my own book manuscript (the book is a compendium of all the work I've done here on the blog over the years) is at the publisher — and the question is, given its length, would people rather have one large tome (like Home Comforts — affiliate link — a 900 page book about housekeeping) or three volumes? Either way, carefully produced to be worthy of gift-giving (wouldn't a boxed set be nice? Or for that matter, even the one volume could be boxed!). Any thoughts about that? There would be a pretty picture here but I have the flu… it's probably not coronavirus because I live in a backwater and never go out, but it still has me laid low. So keep me company with your great thoughts on our book! book club Today we are looking at Part I of A Return to Modesty. In the … [Read More…]
Filed Under: {bits and pieces} Tagged With: chant, cuba, examination of conscience, LGBT, Our Lady of Walsingham, prayer, race theory, Return to Modesty
February 22, 2020 By Leila 16 Comments
Book club! {bits & pieces}
Book club? St. Greg Pocketbook? We on? Read Part One this week and we will talk about it next Saturday! We'll aim to cover one part per week of Lent (and actually end on time!). A Return to Modesty (affiliate link — the new edition is not necessary)– I am planning to restrain myself and not write extensively, but just maybe pop up a post — or add on to {bits & pieces} — would that work? — and see if we can have a conversation about it! You be ready with your quotes and takes. Now, I have to warn you that this book is not at all appropriate for your teenage girl. It deals with Subjects. Auntie Leila cringed and she really hopes that your teenage girl is innocent of all these Subjects and that we will not be the means of introducing them to her. But if this girl is … [Read More…]
Filed Under: {bits and pieces} Tagged With: eugenics, fasting, Fr. Copenhagen, icons, parental rights, Russell Kirk, sacred art
February 15, 2020 By Leila 2 Comments
bits & pieces
My husband gave me a special bottle of mead for Valentine's Day, and I had to tell you about it — if you are near Tyngsborough, Massachusetts, it's worth the detour to the Honeybound Meadery! He has ordered bees from them before, and sometimes stops at the store to get some equipment on his way up to Thomas More College. Recently, as he was buying whatever it was, the owner asked him what he thought of mead. “The truth is I really don't like mead,” was his answer. “I love it when people say that to me! Would you try some now?” Well, he tried it and Reader, he liked it a lot! I laughed at him for not making a purchase then and there (in a loving way of course — this is a running joke at our house that we have incredible sales resistance, sometimes against our own interest). … [Read More…]
Filed Under: {bits and pieces} Tagged With: architecture
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“One who has hope lives differently.” Pope Benedict XVI
Sarah says
Thank you so much for this beautiful and much-needed music.
Leila says
You’re welcome!
Kate says
My youngest daughter, who is sheltering-in-place at a friend’s home, said she and her girlfriends watched a live-streamed Mass last Sunday. They were sitting on the couch together and she said it seemed a bit awkward as a sacred event. First, of all, they were’t in a dedicated sacred space. She didn’t know whether she should make the responses, stand, knee, etc. What to do when there’s a video glitch? It was definitely not even close to a replacement for Mass and ending up being dissatisfying, She decided from now on she will read the readings for Sunday, sing, make a spiritual communion, and pray, and not watch anything, That’s what we did at home, led by my husband.
Regarding oral modesty comments, that’s what we did with our kids. I’d point out how unattractive it was for that bride or bridesmaid to be continually tugging her strapless dress up. How this or that immodest style must be so uncomfortable for dancing or limiting for other activities except standing around looking sexy. My father had a saying – “If you can’t be modest at least be vain.” Because, really, very few women look good in immodest clothing. He also liked to point out that the knees must be the most ugly looking part of the human anatomy. I am always astounded at how self-deceiving we women are about our appearance. My husband often asks me to explain it and all I can say is that there must be a fear of not being “in style.” I really wonder sometimes if there is a shortage of full-length mirrors in the U.S.
Leila says
It’s so true — why on earth choose something that makes you feel uncomfortable? And yet, we do it. I love your father’s saying. I would add: and do at least not embarrass yourself! As to knees, I would say that yes, the good choice, in terms of attractiveness, is going to be to cover your knees!
Caitlin says
Yes! Where I live there are a lot of well-dressed, well-coiffed, expensive looking women… none of whom know to wear tights under their (VERY swanky, business-appropriate) knee-length-skirts-and-boots outfits. I think it looks so sloppy, and somewhat childish. Wear pantyhose!
It was difficult for me to find wedding dresses that weren’t strapless, and I seriously don’t get the appeal. Most of us look like a disembodied head and shoulders floating above a dress, and the bust usually gets flattened. And my friends all wanted strapless dresses “with flats so I’ll be comfortable.” To me this is like trying to look your absolute best while wrapped in a towel and tromping around barefoot. If it is a very special day and you really want to look beautiful, you have to accept that for a few hours you won’t be as comfortable as you are in a bathrobe! 😉
Leila, I haven’t had time to really sit and participate in the discussion as I’d have hoped, but I’m so glad I picked up the book and read along! If I get a chance I’d love to add to the discussion! It was a great read! For a related but more broad/political read I enjoyed Sex Matters, by Mona Charen. Some of the topics overlapped and her “consent” commentary made more sense to me.
Julia R. says
Thank you for the link to the music theory piece. Our old piano teacher (who has been teaching for over 50 years) would agree with this theory. She never used acronyms for teaching notes. What I learned during our time with her is that there is no shortcut to learning how to read music. You just have to do the heavy lifting, and that’s OKAY. You start with learning how to find and read middle C, and then you learn middle C’s “neighbors, B and D”, and so on and so forth. She would also teach key notes such as “F on the treble clef is located on the line between the two dots of treble clef”. The only “mnemonics” she ever used were to teach that the note on the highest line of the upper staff is “F” which stands for a bird “flying” away, and the lowest line on treble staff is “G” for “ground”. My children all went through this piano book (https://www.amazon.com/Keyboard-Piano-Beginners-Pre-School-Adult/dp/B009AGQQFI/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=keyboard+town+robyn&qid=1585409191&sr=8-1) to learn how to read music. It took a couple of years, but lo and behold my three older children can read and identify music notes quite well. We shouldn’t be so bent on finding short cuts. I feel strongly about this topic!
Leila says
Thank you, Julia!
M says
Could you please share some advice (or direct me to a back post) on reassuring young children during this difficult time? It was initially difficult to shield our 4 year old from all of our news consumption- governor’s news conferences about school and city shut down,etc. Now the poor thing is very clingy, scared of the window being left open etc. I’m resolved to redouble my efforts to make life in quarantine as pleasant as possible for her and my older children (2 home from school and dad home on furlough so life is clearly not normal now). But is there anything else you would suggest? Is there really anything I can or should say? Thank you!
Leila says
M, I do have a post for you: http://likemotherlikedaughter.org/2013/04/ask-auntie-leila-how-to-talk-to/
For you particularly, I would say that it’s important to keep her close to you — don’t try to get her to “un-cling” but actually schedule in snuggles to relieve the pressure on other times of the day. Before bed, for instance, a child like this can really benefit from a full 20 minutes before the routine starts of just cuddling on the sofa with your arm around her.
During the day, make a point of going outside to work in the garden and enjoy the fresh air, together. Enlist her siblings to spend a certain amount of time a day playing with her. Combining all this with a bit of no-nonsense if she starts actual whining (“okay, enough of that, let’s get you a snack – or here’s a job for you — or please find your brother and ask him to do such-and-such for mama”), I think after a week of “treatment” she should be feeling more relaxed. Do be sure that she goes to bed on time, even if it means lying down with her or patting her back for a few minutes. Four is just the age that these anxieties set in… but with loving care and patience they should subside.
M says
Thank you!
Kim F. says
There are definitely different opinions on what to do about Mass on Sundays, now that they’re private. As a family, we made the decision to watch a televised Mass. We got up, dressed in our Sunday church clothes, and sang, stood, sat, kneeled, etc. right there in our living room. We watched at 8:00 on EWTN. During communion there was an act of spiritual communion displayed on the screen for us to recite. It was truly beautiful! And provided some normalcy for the kids. Then we had our usual big Sunday breakfast. I think we are blessed to have this option available. It’s funny because I read somewhere else online that little kids could be confused by Mass on tv and not want to go back when we’re able. I don’t think that’s giving our kids enough credit. We video chat with relatives that live far away, but they would much prefer to sit on Grandma and Grandpa’s laps than see them on a screen! If we have taught them the faith, they will prefer to be in the presence of Jesus. God bless everyone during this time!!
Cecilia says
My daughters and I have had a lot of fun identifying birds using allaboutbirds.org. We’ve had especially good luck identifying some I had not been able to identify using other books and things. You can hear bird calls, see little videos, and we’ve really gotten good at spotting birds while we’re out and about. It’s fun to see!
Mary Keane says
Hello! Would you please consider posting about celebrating Holy Week as a family without access to the liturgy? Our priests are making blessed palms available. And there are streaming liturgies. But thank you for being candid about your reservations with those. We have been doing a “dry Mass” with reading the propers as a family and making a spiritual communion. For Holy Week, I’m trying to figure out the right tone between honoring the feasts in as fitting a way as possible and going overboard with trying to recreate church in the home in a way that really ought not to be attempted. Your old posts have been very helpful, but this is rather different!
Katie says
I am so with you on limiting screen time during prayer!