Auntie Corner
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Lots of emails recently, in this vein:
“My husband is tired when he gets home; he works hard and just doesn't have the energy to help me with discipline or other issues.”
It's always so interesting to me how in our time, we are so convinced that we can remake human nature. We have great plans about how men and women will be equal and share responsibilities equally, exhibiting maximum energy and enthusiasm for all tasks (though women are okay with having zero vibes for certain things — apparently feminism does not extend to yucky tasks like taking out the garbage, no apologies offered).
Invariably, however, in the second decade of life together and often sooner, just because couples are getting married at a more advanced age, and people in their 30s get cranky, the seams start showing, straining, ripping, when we try to live in conflict with each other and our natures.
Instead of continually trying to work against each other or simply giving up (yet being frustrated about it), I suggest a different approach.
Let the patterns of life that you establish together help you overcome the all too human tendency to tiredness, to avoidance of responsibility, to nagging and exasperation.
The sooner you institute mutually satisfying domestic habits, the better off you will be when the going gets tough; however, you can always begin again!
In this particular situation, a good talk between husband and wife about family needs might be helpful — I call this “a free and frank discussion with no judging” to try to avoid defensiveness and anger. “I would love it if… ” and say what you need to say.
Then how about this — and maybe even be open with each other about the new approach:
Make the transition from work to family, the mental turnover that has to happen, a ritual. Father can take a few minutes to re-enter: if he's actually coming home from work, he can perhaps change his clothing and wash up. If he's been home, he can shut the door to the work area as he exits.
Even work from home, which the Chief has done for decades, ought to have an ending time. Sure, there will be days when there are longer hours, but having the set time for ending helps to define those as longer hours and not just work expanding to fit the time allotted. (My husband found it helpful to go back to work after a break for supper and focusing on kids, however briefly, rather than work through til “whenever”; obviously circumstances are different, I get that.)
In both cases, putting away electronics, at least for a bit, is essential. I remember Alice von Hildebrand in By Love Refined (affiliate link) suggesting that he mentally or even physically place imaginary books under the bushes by the door before going in to greet his bride. How much more important to put the phone down.
The wife can facilitate this transition by preparing herself for his arrival. Give him a chance. Help the children greet him (even if he was home all day: make them look up and say, “Hi, Daddy!” and even get up and give him a hug. She should certainly kiss him upon his arrival! Yes, even when he's just been in the basement or out in the field… )
I don't necessarily say she should put on a swingy frock and hand him a cocktail in fantasy 50s style, though it's not the worst idea I've ever heard, but just as he might pretend to put his work under a bush, she could channel perky energy… a smile does not go amiss, with real interest about his day.
Family dinner, discussions, time for Dad to address kid problems or toss a ball with them, simple prayer together (the Rosary or part of it, for instance, with a lit candle), early bedtimes for littles, and most of all, the promise of real relaxation in the quieter evening — these are our daily goals, even if we don't always hit all of them. Make these the established pattern and you will find that even tired spouses can fulfill their responsibilities, because they know what's coming.
On the weekends, schedule in a nap for him — at least accept its inevitability. As men get older (like, mid-30s!), they find they simply can't relax during the work week. Yes, he absolutely will tackle chores and big projects on the weekend — such is the reality of life with a busy family! But he will be tired in a way that a busy mother will not, as she has had time during the week to sit with the children for an hour to read a book and even take a nap when she needs it.
Don't make your urgency about something override the need for a rhythm and a plan for the weekend. If something desperately needs to happen — if you are in the midst of a big home project or there's a tournament or what have you — be sure to discuss it, schedule it in, and let Dad figure it out at his own pace.
Sundays are for a real rest after worship: maybe some games with the children and letting nature take its course in the matter of “watching a football game” (my husband's code for zonking out on the sofa). It will be okay… everything will get done eventually!
The bitterness some women have about their husbands' tiredness on Sundays is unfortunate. He really does shoulder a burden for the whole family's very survival. And most husbands are keenly aware of their wives' exhaustion, trying to pitch in with dishes, diaper changes, and general wrangling during the week after a hard day's work.
I'm just going to say it — the thing I myself discovered after many years of being wound up about it: I think women would be happier if they took their needed rest during the week and let their husbands really enjoy their Sundays, even unto a snooze in the afternoon. Obviously, if she also has a demanding work week and the family depends on her income, a serious stress is put on the whole family; Sundays will suffer, everyone will suffer. This is why I strongly urge couples not to rely on two incomes. It's not worth disrupting your family's contentment over.
In any case, my point is that we need rhythms so we can live together and not live by lurching from one self-generated state to another. In the end, we can't flourish that way. Husbands really do take overall responsibility for the welfare of the family as a whole; wives need to make it possible for them to help in the little things by stating their own needs and indicating problems to solve together in a friendly way, arranging things to make home life fall into a peaceful pattern.
Kitchen Reno Corner
The kitchen painting is done! This coming week there will be a bit of a hiatus while the floor is acclimating, in which I will pull apart the pantry (which has become a catch-all and is a wreck) and fix it up. What color should I paint it? I have seen lots of beautiful, moody pantries, but my inclination is for it to be a very light color (I think white!) due to actual food being in there and the need for it to feel clean. What do you think?
Here's how it looked before — I did a big re-organization last year, if you want to have a look:
Knitting Corner
After a long search, I found a vintage dress form on Facebook Marketplace (those things are expensive, new and old! I got a good deal!). I inaugurated it with a fitting of my sweater, which I've picked up after a summer of knitting baby things:
It's impossible for me to try things on myself to fit them (especially knitting!), so I am really excited about her — Mrs. Brooksanne!
bits & pieces
- Hearth & Field interviewed me for the current issue — see what you think! It's a lovely publication; I think you will enjoy receiving it.
- I would really caution about anti-depressants. When even a mainstream source is concerned about the effects, it validates my perennial mistrust. I don't even call the things they list “side-effects” — they are serious and life-long consequences — undermining the very peace and happiness sought, presumably, by taking them — that can hardly be worth the supposed benefits.
- The importance of wisdom in family life: John Cuddeback on Philosopher Parents, Not Kings
- Go here for my thoughts about Teilhard de Chardin, Pope Benedict, and Peter Kwasniewski's series of articles about Teilhard. While you are there, do subscribe if you'd like to receive my posts from that blog in your email, so you don't miss them.
from the archives
- I'm not cooking right now (<gentle sob>) but here's a family favorite: Ham and Cheese and Spinach Pie — young children devour it!
liturgical living
Our Lady of the Rosary A good day for a recitation of G. K. Chesterton's epic Lepanto!
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My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available from Sophia Press! Also in paperback now! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!
My “random thoughts no pictures” blog, Happy Despite Them — receive it by email if you like, or bookmark, so you don’t miss a thing!
My podcast, The Home Truths Society, can be found on the Restoration of Christian Culture website (and you can find it where you listen to such things) — be sure to check out the other offerings there!
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Alex says
Here is another presentation from Stephen Petty for those who prefer reading to videos. https://covidvaccinesideeffects.com/do-masks-work-in-preventing-the-spread-of-covid-19-mask-expert-dr-stephen-petty/Short summary of Stephen’s talk if tl;dr: Engineering and administrative controls are the first lines of defense– limit time in areas where exposure risks exist, for time in risk areas, maximize ventilation, use UVC to destroy virus [or HEPA to remove]. If engineering controls are inadequate: Surgical and cloth masks are not adequate Wear a respirator N95 at a minimum, elastomeric masks are better. Clean shaven. Fit testing should be available. [my comments: 1) DIY fit test protocols exist, though institutions cannot use them to escape legal liability]. Note, respirators
Leila says
Oh, thank you — I had meant to look up a written version and had run out of time.
His oral testimony is effective because he is calm and lays out the history and thinking behind his conclusions. What he says is just common sense, but it’s also backed up by testing.
Masks don’t work and are harmful because we can’t hear each other, our vision is impaired (a huge issue for the elderly, for whom falling is one of the highest risks they face, along with loneliness, also exacerbated by masks), and we will think we are safe when we might not be (if a person is sick, that person should stay home, not go out and about spreading germs).
Lisa G. says
I was very pleased and surprised to see the interview with Hearth & Field; it was nice and long, and they asked you good questions.
Annie says
Thank you for this exhortation that I need to hear from time to time. My husband has a very busy, oppressive job (hopefully it will not always be so, but for now it is), and meanwhile we have kids at tricky and demanding ages. While I am NOT perfect at it, I find it very helpful to repeat to myself that his job is hard, and he’s working hard for us, and I am doing my part by taking responsibility for my own demanding job (being a wife and mother!). It has also been helpful for me to remember that I need to find support and rest for myself, as you mention, by asking for help (from my mom, a mother’s helper, friends) so that all the busy-ness in our family doesn’t come out sideways!
Leila says
Yes, Annie! And note, I’m not saying he shouldn’t be involved in family life — I’m suggesting ways to make it possible for him to be involved. In his own way, at his own pace. Let’s make room for each other to do what we can! Let’s cooperate and understand each other, instead of being in perpetual conflict mode.
Annie says
Yes absolutely! I find that that is my challenge, when so much of the daily grind does depend on me- having the grace to let go of the reins in those moments and those situations when my husband is there and can (should!) take charge. Still working on it!
Toni Graham says
What a great Hearth and Field interview! Thank you!
This blog post, the H and F interview, were two among many things that have renewed my hope today.
Sara says
Thank you for the lovely post, Auntie Leila! I have had periods of being home with children, periods of working part time and an (unhappy, exhausting and blessedly short) period of being the main wage earner. I have to say, when I wasn’t working at all, and when I was part time, I did kind of assume my husband had the easier deal ‘simply’ working full time to support us, even though I was genuinely grateful and it was a happy time in our marriage. When I was the main wage earner I realised that role really does come with a huge amount of pressure and is very draining in its own way, plus one’s colleagues don’t give cuddles and smiles and forgiveness like little children! It’s different but it’s not easier than raising little ones, in my experience. I certainly appreciate the challenges of that role more now! 🙂
Annie says
Ha ha your point about the real benefits of being with the children vs colleagues- totally!!! Sometimes I will complain to my husband about how I spent all day with pre-rational children who act like children, and he counters that he spent all day with adults who act like children and who don’t even love him! Touchè!
Sarah says
Thank you! This is a helpful reminder. And you can’t even properly scold colleagues or send them on a long errand to another room!
Dixie says
In fairness, though, colleagues will sometimes say “good job!” when you do the right thing. When you do the right thing with a prerational child, they will often burst into tears or even let you know, once more, that you are the Meanest Mom Ever!
😉
Leila says
It’s true, most people don’t work with terroris– I mean toddlers LOL
Mary says
I really think you should go “light and bright” with the pantry. White is always a good choice in such cases!
Kelsey says
Once again you have answered questions I didn’t even ask you! Everything you have said here about tired husbands – especially the football naps!!! – is extraordinarily relevant to my own life.
One other practical issue I have is that my children (all age ten and under) like to watch football with Dad on Sunday afternoon. This is fine with me, but when he (inevitably, and usually quickly) falls asleep, I make them turn it off, because I don’t want them watching the commercials, etc. without parental supervision. But then crankiness ensues because they’ve been watching TV and there hasn’t been the satisfying resolution of, say, finishing a movie. Does this make sense? It’s so frustrating.
Leila says
Oh yes, it does make sense. You could switch to a show for them that will have an ending, or just let them know in advance that you’ll be shutting it off, they will feel cranky, but they will also be able to find something to do. Offer a snack to take outside?
After a while they do get used to having the thing turned off.
Marissa says
In Farmer Boy, the women whitewash the basement pantry every year!
Dixie says
It was such fun working on the interview with you, Leila! I’ve always wanted to know more about what your early mothering was like and I thought your answers were very rich.
I am glad LMLD’s wonderful readers seem to be enjoying it, too!
Leila says
Thank you so much for doing it!
Elizabeth says
First off, I enjoyed your thoughts on setting up a peaceful flow and rhythm to family life that allows for and acknowledges the need for rest as well as productivity. In general, the experiences and perspectives you’ve shared have helped me immensely over the years through my own early motherhood and life with now almost teenagers!
I did want to gently comment on the caution against anti depressants though. Of course, like any medication, anti depressants should not be over prescribed nor over used, and unfortunately they can be. But like other medications, they are a tool that has a place. Mental illness is still heavily stigmatized in our world, but just as we wouldn’t chastise someone with chronic pain for the appropriate use of pain relievers so they can live and work in their daily lives, so we shouldn’t subtly or overtly criticize people with anxiety or depression from seeking help if they need it. Sometimes medication is a tool that bridges the way to therapies and other treatments that eventually make the medication no longer necessary. Sometimes people do need the medication long term. Circumstances vary, and prudence and careful judgement and periodic reassessment of circumstances are always wise. But many people do genuinely need the help that medication provides.
As someone who has had to use antidepressants, whose spouse needs anti depressants, and whose family members also struggle with depression—it’s hard. Most people do not want to be on medication. They don’t like the side effects. They resist treatment or face disparaging comments when people find out they’re on medication. My family and friends were always supportive, and it’s still hard. I do think people need to accept that it is normal to be sad or frustrated or unmotivated at times. But true depression and anxiety are much deeper and more damaging than that, and take a real toll on individuals and those who love them. For those people, medication should not be dismissed as a worthwhile and valid option.
Kim F. says
Thank you for this!! After my 4th child (I had 4 under the age of 5) I was a wreck. My anxiety made it difficult to leave the house or not cry, all the time. I had a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication but didn’t fill it. I read advice in multiple places that basically said, “if you pray you can be healed of anxiety.” So I started to think I wasn’t praying enough or in the correct way. Not really helpful for a sleep deprived mother of little ones! I finally met with our priest and he gently told me to take the medication. And I did. And it helped me. I am no longer on the medication but am grateful that it was available when I needed it.
Leila says
Kim, see my reply above. A person can have many issues and need to address them — it does not follow that taking a particular drug is the answer, nor is a priest necessarily up on the studies and in a position to give medical advice. I’m glad you were helped, because it sounds like you really needed it! But it’s also important to know that these drugs are coming under scrutiny, both for the claims made for them and for their consequences, which can be severe and life-threatening.
I am not sure who it is who says that the sole answer to mental issues is to pray (although of course we all should always pray). But the information I’m linking to here is very important and needs to be known.
Kim F. says
I definitely agree! I just appreciate Elizabeth’s comments and wanted to let her know that. Maybe if I wasn’t sleep deprived and surrounded by little ones at the time, I might have thought “I should go for walks more and get outside in fresh air and sunshine” which I’m sure would have benefitted me greatly. As it was, I could barely get out of bed. I needed a “bandaid” to function as a wife and mother. I stopped taking the medication when I realized that not only was I not experiencing the lows in life, I wasn’t experiencing the highs either. I also didn’t have a support system of friends at the time. And I hadn’t discovered Auntie Leila! ☺️ (And I do believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with our society that so many people are on various medications for various ailments, with side effects that no one wants to discuss! My dad does not have high cholesterol but his doctor put him on a low dose statin, because “it can’t hurt.” 😳).
Leila says
Well, I am glad you found us!
My main issue with the first comment is that just because a problem is real, doesn’t mean this solution is a good one. After decades of antidepressant use — incredibly widespread — studies are showing what many of us suspected from the get-go, that the problem isn’t about what they say it is (an isolated chemical imbalance) and these drugs not only don’t help more than a placebo, they often are devastating and life-threatening.
Despite having suffered from depression, I wouldn’t ever call myself an expert. However, common sense and careful reading indicate that the problem is societal (as you indicate), spiritual (in a much deeper way than whoever it is who says “just pray” understands, though I think prayer can lead us to insight and consolation), and probably hormonal and the result of physical issues that go far beyond one substance (e.g. seratonin) but can be addressed with careful holistic therapy. We just have to be so delicate, because the body is so vulnerable to unintended consequences. A mother not being able to get out of bed after childbirth does need intervention! She likely is suffering from some real, physical need. We need to do better to discover what that need is and to treat it, not supply something that might very well harm her.
You are so right that things are broken in our society!
Leila says
Suffering from a mental illness is a terrible thing, and something not foreign to me personally. It’s not necessary for me to give lots of disclaimers about that in order to pass along information. It’s a given.
Offering information about drugs is not stigmatizing, nor is an open inquiry equivalent to disparaging the person taking a treatment. Quite the opposite! If any criticism is implied here, it’s of the drug companies and physicians. And I’m pretty sure I didn’t say anything about just accepting sad feelings.
Antidepressants were and are marketed without proper information for the consumer. The consequences of taking them can be lifelong and devastating. Imagine being given these drugs when a young person only to find out that you are subsequently unable to engage in the marital act…
I’m sure you don’t object to making this information known. I encourage you to peruse the article I linked and to do more research.
And I caution against going right away to the “stigmatizing” way of approaching criticism of pharmaceutical interventions (or any other feature of modern life). Many things today that are harmful are not talked about for fear of being accused of “stigmatizing” the person. Surely discussing these serious consequences can occur without silencing objections.
I encourage you to read these articles:
https://www.theguardian.com/society/2018/jan/07/is-everything-you-think-you-know-about-depression-wrong-johann-hari-lost-connections
https://www.ucl.ac.uk/news/2022/jul/analysis-depression-probably-not-caused-chemical-imbalance-brain-new-study
Anonymous says
Maybe this isn’t the right place, but I have suffered depression for many years with no relief. I would like to know more about this “holistic therapy.” I always read what not to do or what causes things, but never any actual solutions. The loneliness, the lack of desire to do anything, the futility of existence is crushing at times. If anyone has conquered their depression, please share how! Blessings to all
Leila says
[I spelled that word – holistic — wrong at first so I edited my comment and then yours!]
I’m sorry. It is really crushing!
Did you read the articles I linked to here in the comments above? The first one has lots of insights and the author wrote a book.
I know that it’s important to address physical issues, and women have so many stresses on us, hormonally. Maybe there is a NaPro clinic near you where you can get a workup from medical professionals who really understand the delicacy of a woman’s body? https://naprotechnology.com/
There are so many factors. Spiritual (the Guardian article touches on this), emotional, physical. Also the foods we eat generally are not conducive to health, including mental health. I hope you find some answers — don’t stop looking! I will keep posting things as I come across them! God bless you!
Anon 2 says
This is a personal topic (which is different than being stigmatized) and so while I’m a frequenter of LMLD I would prefer to remain anonymous but I’m happy to be reached privately through email if Leila wanted to connect us. I am not comfortable talking about all the details on the internet! I know that there is a no anonymous comment policy so feel free to not post this Leila! But I do have some experience on a holistic approach to treating depression.
One of the reasons I chose to seek natural methods of treating depression was the widespread harm chemical anti-depressants had on my family of origin. The harm I think not only came in the form of nobody ever dealt with their issues and the wound rotted under that bandaid, but also the withdrawal effects on my parents when they tried to come off anti -depressants were so abhorrent that it would be unfitting to describe them here.
There is a “what could it hurt?/how could we have known?” dynamic at play in the anti-depressant industry that I think adults have a responsibility to be aware of.
In light of my seeing the dangers of anti-depressants and the fact that I had a doctor who cautioned me on the use of anti-depressants while I was breast feeding (and I’m always breastfeeding 🙂 I sought other ways to combat my depression. I’ve pretty much tried it all and I know how hard it is to pull yourself up out of it. I truly believe nobody else can make you do this it has to come from you. But that is a gift to learning how to care for yourself!
Depression is A SYMPTOM! It is not a disease in itself and it can be influenced by so many factors and probably factors inter playing in unique ways with our genetics. So take this all this with a grain of salt. This worked for me! But courage, there are answers out there!
Nutrition, hormones, pollution, family dysfunction, internet usage, lack of exercise, lack of light, pregnancy depletion, life dissatisfaction, bad habits–all these are areas to tackle and it can be overwhelming to know where to start.
I would start with nutrition! It’s the easiest to start and it will give you the boost you need to get down to business elsewhere.
Omega 3s. This is fundamentally what got me out of major depression in winter:
https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/omega-3-fatty-acids-for-mood-disorders-2018080314414
You need to be aware of the EPA to DHA ratio when buying your supplements, I would do some research and look around for the dosage. I can’t find my original dosaging, because I don’t need it anymore which is awesome! I took the highest recommended amounts. Notice the caution in the article about using this route if you have bipolar.
I also researched and supplemented other nutrients associated with mood boosting benefits. I liked b vitamins, vitamin d, zinc, vit c, and sometimes cal/mag, though be careful with calcium supplementation because it can lead to artery calcification.
I had my DNA tested through a medical filter (at Foundmyfitness.com) and it told me all of my particular things about myself such as my muscles like high twitch exercises e.g. sprints; I don’t process vitamin E well and should avoid supplements with it; and I do well on carbs! I had always been following low carb diets and finally felt free to mix it up. I felt so much more energy!
Watch the seed oils. They cause lots of inflammation. I started tracking the labels and was shocked that even “healthy” processed foods use such bad oils. Just don’t touch them while you are healing.
After you start feeling a little better you can start making bigger changes, making better food, getting outside, exercising, tracking down health problems that might be contributing. And not the least, figuring what is going on with YOU that makes you feel lost. I had terrible habits, I had to face the fact that my home was really out of control and I didn’t know how to fix it and that I had terrible self-talk about the home. Fly-lady (And Leila, always Leila!) really helped me. I got a lot of motivation from Jordan Peterson’s talks which helped me see some of my self-destruction. He also helped me be okay with how pathetically small the changes I were making were and to be okay with that. It is SO hard to change yourself and that’s why we want to turn around and try to make everyone else but us change, but that won’t ever fix what needs fixing. The problem of YOUR life was given to you; your depression is just a gift offering you insight in knowing YOURSELF, the gift YOU are.
There was a lot of self-work I had to do to get me better. I had to find the answers to my unique issues. I had a lot of anger and it is often said depression is anger turned inward. It can be really hard to know how to fix these problems or even identify them. I started by beginning to notice what caused me resentment and I used that to lead me to investigate what was going on in different situations. Did I need to learn how to set a boundary or stand up for myself. Did I need to apologize, did I need to forgive or accept something. Our lives are real and they matter to how we feel. If you aren’t living well you will feel terrible, anxious, and depressed.
The nutrition and supplements got me out of the rut but then the hard work began after that. I am still on the journey (it’s been around 12 years in the process, but it’s been 4 years since my last episode)) but I am more stable now than I have ever been, and I am at peace! I know now that I have to take care of myself in special ways and I have to know the signs of a depressive spiral and take pains to do things that keep me from going downhill. But now I know triggers for my depression and I have tools I’ve learned. I pray and hope for anybody struggling with depression to feel encouraged by my story that there is hope!
Leila says
I am posting this comment (and the original anonymous one) because I can see the email addresses and I know these readers. I am not going to make this a habit, though 🙂
In order, I would say:
Do see about possible hormonal imbalances. Especially as women become peri-menopausal, hormones can make them so mentally unbalanced. I remember telling myself — fortunately, I noticed! — that it was not possible that I was actually paranoid as a mental illness matter, since paranoid attacks were happening every month on days 5-6 of my cycle. Maybe, just maybe, it was hormonal!
I am praying for you! And for all my readers who suffer from depression — and I always pray for all my readers!
Kate C. says
A timely reminder to be kinder to my husband. I would love to hear more of your thoughts on husbands working from home and how your family made it work. My husband has a lot of down-time at work and likes keeping his door open and helping with the children during the day, which is often a great help. But it also makes me feel a lack of “ownership” of my housewifely duties, if that makes any sense. It’s hard to establish a rhythm (and hard to have all my falls throughout the day overseen and overheard!).
Leila says
Kate, I do think it’s good to talk to one’s spouse and establish a bit of separation in daily life if everyone is home. This requires a kind conversation, because the person who is bobbing in and out of the activities has good intentions and no thought of disruption.
I think maybe it helps the person (in this case, husband) to imagine how it would be if his wife periodically through the day looked at his work on the computer and even took the mouse to click around and see how things were going. It’s not that anything is so private it wouldn’t withstand inquiry — it’s just that it’s disruptive — one has the need for one’s work to be undisturbed.
The husband has to imagine how it would feel to have his papers rummaged through and to have questions posed about them. Again, it’s not that you’d have any desire to do anything other than help, but there’s a big difference between waiting for an opportune time and saying, “Mind if I have a look and tidy things up?” vs. just casually coming along and doing it. And indeed most husbands have a serious dislike of having their desk and study even dusted and cleaned!
Anyway, such a conversation might help him understand he needs to be a bit delicate. Maybe listen for a moment before coming into the situation and even holding off. My husband has the need to leave his desk and stretch his legs, and he developed the habit of taking a walk-around that doesn’t necessarily involve interaction with me. The bees have been a good outlet for him. He can go outside to look at them, leaving me to my vacuuming or baking or talking with a child.
You can ask him to look to you to see if intervention is needed, rather than assume it is. Sometimes we have to talk these things out.
These are the things we learn, living together. We take the good with the bad (or merely interruptive). You can also convey to him that if you are giving him a look or raising a finger as a request to wait, you do so with great respect and dependence on his forbearance.
Karen in SC says
Thanks for the reminder to greet my husband with a smile when he gets home. Sometimes I’m absorbed in housework/podcasts and barely acknowledge when he walks in the door.
I love your rue! I have a big one too, that I bought after reading Elizabeth Goudge’s Herb of Grace. Do you use it for anything?
Leila says
I have used it on occasion — as a general “cure all”! What do you use it for?
Karen in SC says
Just for pretty.
Mrs. T says
I give my husband an hr to decompress when he walks in the door. I made the mistake yesterday of meeting him with todays list of problems as he was heading for a nap after work. Unfair. He was unable to shut off his mind and gave up resting. Lesson learned. While he was very gracious about it, after 17 yes of marriage, I should’ve known better! So yes, I am in whole hearted agreement of letting…no…facilitating the opportunity for your husband’s rest! Make it happen for him! Turn the children loose outside or put on a movie for them if necessary. It won’t always jive, but it’s worth the effort. I find my husband has a clearer mind after some rest.
Once again, great advice Auntie Leila!
Josie says
This will seem silly amidst all the more worthy conversations here-and all so nourishing to me too, so thank you!…but I am wondering if that little fence you have around the garden works to keep smaller critters out? We have a horrible problem, even in raised beds, with bunnies and maybe mice? nibbling on all my plantings.
And just to join in a more serious part of the conversation, I have been suffering from some pretty severe lows in the past year or so and though I have been able to climb out of them (though they seem to last almost 24 hours the battle through the day is constant), it never occurred to me that it could be hormones. But I’m nearly 49, so thank you for opening my eyes to that.
Leila says
Yes to the fence — we do have deer around but their paths seem established around our property and don’t go through it, thank goodness. But the bunnies… when my green beans just disappeared overnight one year, I begged himself to do something, and this fence really is the answer! Also a cat, re: mice — however, she also loves to dig up freshly seeded beds, so sometimes I have to put lots of sticks/twigs in the ground to deter her.
Yes to hormones, especially for peri-menopause (and also every other stage). Without having any medical training, I will say that many in your same situation benefit from wild yam cream, a little on the soft skin inside the elbows or behind the knees, in the luteal phase. It offers a boost of progesterone in a natural, gentle way, and that can really help with the extreme PMS that comes along with that phase of life.