See below for some kitchen updates, such as they are!
You're doing too much for your toddler!
I'm going to talk about two types of little person, aged about 2-5, though of course there are many sorts and who knows even day-to-day if their little personalities will even be consistent.
But this is a blog post, not a book, so I'm painting with a broad brush — use what I say and fiddle with it until it fits your situation, using your awareness of the needs of those around you as a guide.
Basically, mothering has become so fraught with unreasonable expectations that our small children are not getting the direction they need to move from the center-of-the-universe infant/baby stage to the one where they are learning that a world exists outside of themselves.
To make this move, they need, depending on where they fall in the categories I'm going to describe (again, adjust as necessary), both confidence and self-control.
The mothering issue that interferes with the necessary process is the idea that good parenting means doing things for your children. I think this comes from outsourcing child care to others. We expect people we are paying to mind our children to display, outwardly, active involvement.
But that's actually not that good for children.
Now, I really do think mothers need to be sure their babies of all ages are fed, clothed, get enough sleep, and look presentable, and get educated on all levels. That's already a big order. Mothers also need to sit with their friends, read a book, put their feet up, and not be at the beck and call of their little tyrants!
The good news is that little munchkins do not need you, the mom, to jump up and get them every little thing they want, nor do you have to be on alert to interpret everything they say to everyone and vice versa, help them out of every situation, and in general buffer their lives.
In the case of a shy child, try this. Say she wants part of the snack being offered at a gathering. Instead of excusing yourself from your conversation to help her, smilingly encourage her to ask an older child (say, a handy six-year-old) to show her what to do. “Go ask Melissa if she'll go with you to get some water.” Look over at Melissa and ask her, “Would you be able to help Mary get a drink?” Then remain where you are and let it happen. Keep an eye out to be sure she is not grinding her brownie into the carpet; instruct her to sit on the porch outside to eat an ice cream cone.
I had one extremely shy child and it took quite a while for her to get to the point where she could go off and help herself in a gathering, but it was worth it gently to guide her until she was ready.
I remember once she whispered to me, “Tell her [a nice mom trying to say hi] I'm shy” — and sometimes you have to go along with that for a bit. But always look for opportunities for a success in relating to people other than mom; often a slightly older child will bring about that success.
At the playground, let the children run around. It's actually okay if they climb up the slide. Nothing bad will happen if they fall on the mulch. Fine, teach your two-year-old not to run right in front of the swings. Auntie Leila is not in favor of concussions. But otherwise, demonstrate assurance that things will take care of themselves by not jumping up, but remaining over at the bench with your friends, having a conversation, calling out brightly, “You can do it!” if absolutely necessary.
In the case of an extroverted child who tends to be a bit heedless about grabbing four muffins and racing off with them, try this: Say, “Peter, please take that plate of cookies and offer them to the ladies sitting over there.” Think about it beforehand and head him off at the pass, but verbally, so you don't have to get up. Instill in your child respect for the beckoning finger, with which you call him over to you, and deliver short, pointed instructions. “I don't want you to eat a thing until you have brought these napkins over to that table.” This gregarious child interrupts a lot in part because you have given him the idea that his every action and thought must go through you!
If another adult or older child comes over to help your child, let it happen. Don't feel that the socially appropriate thing is for you to jump up and intervene (because your child is so shy, or because she's so unruly either). The person wants to help (because she sees you with your infant, or you are blocked from the center of the action by bodies, bags, tables, chairs, and so on).
And it's good for your child to go off with someone friendly for a minute.
Your child can see in your eyes how he ought to react. If you are anxious, he will be anxious. Your anxiety might stem from not wanting to impose on the nice lady, but he interprets it as your conviction that only you can ever help him.
I remember my stepmother saying to her younger children (my half-sisters, who were maybe 5 and 2 at the time), “Go ask those [totally random] people how they are doing” — sending the girls off to mingle with others! I particularly remember this happening once on an airplane! Which speaks to how differently children were viewed (this was probably in the 70s), how smart she was in distracting antsy kids, and not insignificantly, how spacious airplanes used to be!
In any case, my only point is to say, you may have a haunting feeling that you are being judged for not leaping up to attend to your children at a gathering, but that's unlikely — unless they are being naughty, in which case you might have to rouse yourself, not for the sake of not being judged but because you ought to. On the other hand, you could send a passing teenage boy to intervene… would do them both good. “Can you get him off that table please? Do whatever you want with him… ”
Encouraging your child to come and go, to get something on his own, and to become aware of the needs of others, will help them develop socially, and that benefits everyone!
Kitchen Reno Corner
In this post I poured out all my tile thoughts. I have subsequently gotten that box of 45 handmade tiles I found for $10 on FBMP (because Auntie Sue kindly sent her son to pick them up, and then she and her husband delivered them, which gave us a good excuse to have a glass of wine in my wreck of a house) — and they are even nicer than I thought they would be!
But I'm not sure where to go from here (as outlined in that post).
We have a door and windows, plaster, bead board, a ceiling, and some trim. I have chosen colors (I think??): Governor's Gold for the cabinets and Calming Cream for everything else. (See above, the first photo on this post!)
I know what flooring I'm getting (heart pine, it's what we have everywhere else) and now I need to figure out what material to put right in front of the hearth. Do you remember the Talavera tiles?
I did love them (and they were from my mom's stash — she was always to be relied upon for a smattering of materials — so, free). They were not, however, actually floor tiles. Too soft, really.
I need something super durable. I would do something like Jerusalem Limestone there. However, I also want it to go under my range, and limestone is porous — and I'm clumsy with things like oil spills. Does it matter? Would I be always sealing?
There is porcelain tile that matches the stone's look; I just wonder how it will be to cut it to fit. Will the cut edges be the same as the manufactured edges? Currently considering this tile (someone on FBMP is selling them for a very good price). Remember, it would not be the whole floor! Just a bit in front of the fireplace and some under the range.
But I would be open to porcelain brick tile or something else… just not sure what!
Would love for this part to be over… the decisions… it's getting so that I have trouble deciding what flavor ice cream to have, not that I was ever good at making choices!
bits & pieces
- An article about the viral TikTok in which a woman discovers that men think about the Roman Empire all the time — so amusing! But so revealing! This quote from another commenter: “Men inherently have the need to conquer,” he said. “We always have and we always will. We want to conquer. We want to conquer everything. We’re adventurous. We need and seek that, and if we don’t have it then we imagine it.”
He went on to say that maybe men are desperate because they're not conquering things themselves, but someone else said, “It’s not just about Roman conquest, it’s about civilization, glory, honor, culture, longevity etc etc… ” Another person had a different theory, writing, “It’s just interesting to see how big it got with its impact and to look at all the things the inventions and how they fell.”
I personally think about the Roman Empire once in a while, especially when deploring all the potholes in the roads around me, despite constant, disruptive repairs going on… but apparently, who knew, men and women are different.
NB: James Augustine (a FB friend): “With the traditional Rosary, after the sign of the cross, you recite the Apostle's Creed. Reference right there to Pontius Pilate. You cannot recite the Rosary without thinking about Pontius Pilate.
With the Joyous Mysteries, Jesus incarnated in a territory controlled by the Roman Empire. (I do not pray the Luminous Mysteries because they are not really part of the Rosary, but the Institution of the Eucharist is right before Christ's execution under the Roman authorities.) At least four of the Sorrowful Mysteries deal with Roman governance. Also, Latin is one the three languages affixed to the instrument of our salvation. The first Glorious Mystery is the Resurrection, which was preceded by Roman guards sealing the Tomb, and then being sent out to search for the body when the tomb was empty.”
I never thought of it that way! But then, I'm a girl!
- Last week we talked about a needlework guild; in the comments dear Janet linked to this amazing site of the St. Martha's Guild of St. John Cantius in Chicago. Lots of resources here for needlewomen too!
- The Lies in Your Grocery Store — well, my mother always told me to read the labels; I told my kids to read the labels. Also, if you enjoy mystery novels, read Dorothy Sayers' delightful Murder Must Advertise (affiliate link): coincidentally a primer on advertising techniques that have you fooled on what you are buying — this has all been going on a long time. Buyer beware!
- I Was Never Anti-Vax – “I was never anti-vax,” Tennis champ Novak Djokovic said. “I was always pro-freedom-to-choose. And that's something that we took really for granted. I didn't feel like a lot of people had a choice, really.”
- The Emperor's New Clothes is the parable for our time (be sure to read it to your children!). The reference is not the only reason I benefit from following this Substack, The Naked Emperor (from which I got the previous link), but it does give me an extra reason to like it.
from the archives
- Last week I said a few things about keeping children looking tidy, and the comments had me digging up this post, to which my family members contributed: Ask Auntie Leila: Five steps to feeling pretty after the baby.
- Our kids are stressed out: a reminder as school gets going again.
liturgical living
Saints Cornelius (d. 253) and Cyprian (190-258)
follow us everywhere! share us with your friends!
My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available from Sophia Press! Also in paperback now! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!
My “random thoughts no pictures” blog, Happy Despite Them — receive it by email if you like, or bookmark, so you don’t miss a thing!
My podcast, The Home Truths Society, can be found on the Restoration of Christian Culture website (and you can find it where you listen to such things) — be sure to check out the other offerings there!
Stay abreast of the posts here at LMLD, when they happen:
Consider subscribing to this blog by email.
We share pretty pictures: Auntie Leila’s Instagram, Rosie’s Instagram, Deirdre’s Instagram. Bridget’s Instagram.
Auntie Leila’s Facebook (you can just follow)
The boards of the others: Rosie’s Pinterest. Sukie’s Pinterest. Deirdre’s Pinterest. Habou’s Pinterest (you can still get a lot of inspiration here! and say a prayer for her!). Bridget’s Pinterest.
Lauren says
Dear Auntie Leila,
I have lots of limestone in my house that was built in the 70’s. They built three huge fireplaces from limestone with mantles and hearths. They used some giant slabs of limestone for steps in my entry way and a bench made out of limestone. It does look really lovely. But it is very porous and hard to clean. The steps have chips out of them (from the previous owners). One of my boys spilled oil on the bench and it made a giant stain. I put cleaner on it to try and get out said stain. It only made it worse. I have to scrub everything fairly often. However, I do have six kids and they still look nice despite that. Thankfully the stain on the bench can be covered with a pillow.
I thought my experience would be of some use to you. As far as I know, the limestone in my house is not sealed so maybe that would solve things? Anyway, I am not sure if it is the best material for a hearth.
Leila says
Thanks! That is very helpful!
I am leaning towards something that is in itself nonporous. I have heard that the Jerusalem limestone is less porous than other types, but under the range… I just don’t know. Your experience is valuable!
Jana says
With oil stains, the way to get them out is not to get them out, but to oil the whole slab so it is all equally oiled. You can look it up for details of what oil and how.
Leila says
I haven’t heard of people oiling limestone! Soapstone, yes! But limestone has these little holes… I dunno.
Wait until you see the tile I chose.
I decided the limestone wasn’t a good enough contrast with the whitewash of the bricks.
Sarah says
This is great! Thank you, Auntie. I’m going to send the kids off to say hello to their godparents at church tomorrow to start the ball rolling. Your blog is so great- I always get one idea from each post that I can put into practice right away, and a few that I figure out in time.
Your yellows look lovely, and your light from your new big door is so pretty! I hope it’s fun to see your kitchen inch its way there. I’ve never renovated anything, but I’m gaining courage watching. Hooray for the tile! It’s such a pretty blue. Did you ever see the blue and white Victoria magazines from the 80s and 90s? They had such nice ideas for houses, and once a year they had a blue and white theme. I drove all my grandmother’s Victoria magazines 18 hours to get them back to our house when she passed.
I hear you on decisions. Reducing options for things is the only way I can manage. One outfit per season for church, for kids and for me. Uniforms. Fewer meal choices per season. Otherwise, I can sit for hours pondering the options. I’d be useless with tile! But the gray sure is pretty.
Abigail says
Victoria Magazine was so lovely! I’m glad you mentioned this. I’ve always wanted to find old issues online, but had forgotten about it. They were such a pleasure to read and would be a good resource for a home reno.
Rebekah says
Every time I go to the playground I want to tell the earnest young moms that it IS okay for kids to go up the slide! Sure, you need to use common sense to avoid collisions and a blanket rule is probably easiest for tiny ones…but really. People act like it’s a grevious sin for a five-year-old to scramble up the slide. Is that something strictly enforced on school playgrounds?
Emily says
Nothing like those dirty looks as your kid climbs up the slide …
Melissa says
Once I was the mom at the playground letting her kids climb the big pine tree, and I could hear other moms telling their kids absolutely do not climb that tree. Haha I felt a little bad because obviously my kids climbing the tree was making it hard for their kids not to climb the tree..but we were at the park! If not there, where?
Leila says
And mainly, if we have to jump up all the time to correct things that are not actually problems, we are going to be worn out. And it’s not good for our children.
They need to try things and fall down. We are already jumping up for so many things that are actually dangerous or chaotic — let’s not endlessly add to the list!
Annie says
I was at the park once and observed a mom constantly reminding her son… NOT TO RUN
Anamaria says
My 11 month old was climbing the slide outside cgs last week. Only other adult on the playground was a dad who decided to help him. It was awesome 😂😂
Helen says
Also, it is actually physically very good for kids to climb up the slide. Just saying!
Sharon S says
I consider climbing up the slide a right of way issue. If there’s a line of kids taking turns going down, and one kid goes down and then immediately turns around to climb back up to snitch an extra turn, that’s rude. But if no one else is waiting, who cares if you go up or down?
Maggie says
This post could almost be a sequel to your child avoidance post. When I’m at get togethers with vocal pro NFP folks (who have small families) they look down their nose at me for letting my large number of small kids be rambunctious. They constantly get up and micromanage their children and they expect me to do it to. It’s almost like they want public spaces and gatherings to assume a 1:1 or at least a 1:2 adult to child ratio. It’s sad, secular, and anti-breastfeeding. Many kids are developing anxiety from seeing other kids play normally. Yelling, running, climbing up slides, throwing a football, climbing trees, playing tag, etc. is making many kids shy away into risk-avoiding, anti-fun, abnormal balls of anxiety. It’s alarming.
Lisa says
I completely agree with you that we do too much for our toddlers. Thanks for the reminder! With my oldest kids, I was definitely helping them out at the playground a lot… but now that they’re older, they’re the ones helping my toddler and I just get to sit there! The times I’m most tempted to help my 2 year old with things that I know he can do himself is when I’m too rushed. I want to help him to speed him up! I find it hard to wait for him to put on his own shoes, etc without jumping in to help.
jadeddrifter says
Loving your kitchen updates!
The “how often do you think of the Roman Empire?” business has been amusing, for sure.
I’m not really sure why James Augustine doesn’t think the Luminous Mysteries are part of the Rosary. The Rosary developed over several centuries and once included many more incidents in the life of Christ. Its present “Dominican” form was established in the 15th century. I can’t understand why it would be problematic to meditate on five more events from our Lord’s life. The book “Stories of the Rose” is a good source for more on the origins of the Rosary.
Leila says
I agree about the Luminous Mysteries. Since they are all “Manifestations” of Christ, and perfectly balanced, they do seem inspired. The argument is that the Rosary was given by Our Lady and should not be meddled with.
Someone attributed the reaction to “a stiff neck from whiplash” which I think characterizes the syndrome perfectly. When you are constantly being bombarded with change, you end up not being able to move, even if you ought to. Understandable, actually. Sad on all sides.
Laura P. says
Thank you for this reply/insight. I often feel judged (and I do struggle with thinking about what others think, I’m working on it!) because…my family says the Luminous mysteries! And I like them!
Helen says
The luminous mysteries are my favorite set!
Margo Brown says
Jadeddrifter, I was thinking the same thing. The Luminous Mysteries also fill in the gap between the Joyful Mysteries and the Sorrowful Mysteries.
Helen says
How might you encourage a friend to let her toddler play at the playground without intervention? My new neighbor friend and I took our toddlers to the playground, and she tailed her very nice, sturdy, able-bodied 2 year old everywhere, so I never got to talk to her. I’d like to get to know her!
Helen says
Also, specifically for me, how unsupervised do you let a daredevil 15 month old be? Mine likes to climb all the tall playground equipment that’s clearly meant for ages 6+, and I never know if I should go stand under her.
Leila says
I favor the “background, stealth monitor” approach. Most children, even daredevils, know their limits, but a 15 mo doesn’t know what she doesn’t know. You want her to get some reality feedback, like falling down two steps or not being able to reach the monkey bars. But I do remember one of mine getting out onto monkey bars about 6 ft high and not being able to go across (she was about 2 or 3). A passing dad rescued her…
You can say, “Don’t go over there until you’re bigger” — might work, might not! Combined with “See, that slide is just too big for you, let’s stay over here” — maybe?
But the default should be to let her explore, in my opinion! And to be encourage to go “See what those kids are doing in the sandbox” etc.
Leila says
I never had much success with this, to be honest!
Iris says
What a great post! You’re right, not everything your kid does needs to go through you. Kids need to relate to other adults and to learn to do things by themselves, using their own initiative. I wonder if our failure to understand this today has something to do with smaller family sizes–i.e., having fewer kids makes it possible to over-parent, whereas a parent of many children must, de facto, take a step back and let the children succeed or fail on their own sometimes.
I’m seeing a connection here, too, to your post about how it’s not necessary to play regularly with your children…
Like others who have responded here, I too often see parents following their 4, 5, and 6-year olds around at the playground, or spending the whole playtime lecturing a child about the “right” way to play. I even heard one Mom tell her child exasperatedly that if he couldn’t play on the playground “the right way,” then they would just leave. And this was not a child who was annoying others, harming anyone, or doing anything risky–he just wanted to play with the pebble mulch.
Has anyone else noticed that modern playground designers contribute to this attitude? They post big signs describing the “right” way to play (e.g., “Slide feet-first, sitting upright, one at a time!” “Do not walk across the top of the monkey bars!” or “Do not jump from swings!”) and add alarming injunctions that failure to follow these rules could result in death. They put “safe” rubber tiles below all the equipment (in case of falls), install “safe” climbing frames that are only 4 feet tall, design swings with chest harnesses (to prevent jumping, I guess), and replace metal slides with short, slow, static-y, plastic ones (to prevent having fun?? not sure what these are for)–all of which would have made me, as a child 30 years ago, not bother playing there at all, but go and find an unsafe bike rack somewhere to climb on.
Iris says
Sorry about the long, opinionated reply. I guess I’m one of those commenters you referred to in a previous post, who should just get their own blog. :-p
Leila says
Haha, good comments!
The dearth of children in addition to outsourcing to paid help make for unrealistic ideas about what children are all about, and what adult interaction should look like!
Sally says
Ok, I feel obliged to add to this conversation by saying that a few weeks of teaching the “non-negotiables” at the playground pays off if you put in the effort necessary. Then you can chat at the nearby picnic table in peace while the kids have a great time!
I have seen some families really embrace the “feral child” thing to the extreme and allow their children to throw wood-chips in faces, climb slides while little toddlers are coming down, etc. For a child who does not have situational awareness (as many young children do not), it can be helpful for the rule to simply be “we don’t climb slides” or whatever is really bothersome. As a child grows, then you can begin pointing out to him that appropriate behavior depends upon if he’s playing rough and tumble with another nine year-old, or sharing the play equipment with a few toddling two year-olds.
Leila says
Yes, I’m all about situational awareness!
Somehow we have to reclaim some common sense.
In the spirit of my post, I would also suggest sending an older child to remedy the situation or beckoning the child to you to deliver the admonishment! In other words, rein in bad behavior but also try not to jump up all the time 🙂
Leila says
Again, in light of the topic of my post (not sure how we got onto playgrounds haha), and just to make my thoughts clear, since feral children are a blight:
If another person (another mom attending to her kids, for example) offers to move your child away from the swing danger, say, let her! I’m trying to say here (in the post) that it’s good for your child for you to let someone else, someone physically closer or already moving to do it, help. Good mothering doesn’t necessarily mean that every single interaction goes through you.
If some other mom yells over, “No throwing mulch!” then I’m saying, that’s as good or better than you saying it! Don’t run over and admonish your child (which can be motivated by wanting to seem responsible rather than any real need for your involvement) — wait and see if he responds (at least by stopping the naughtiness). If he doesn’t, then try calling him to you; make going over to him the last resort (which may need to happen, I admit!). If you’re nursing your baby, ask your friend, “Can you bring him to me please?” It’s good for him to have someone else to talk to him. Likewise, be willing to talk to other people’s children and lend their moms a hand. “Let’s go see your mom about it” if the child is crying, or “I’ll fix your jacket zipper for you, here.”
As to going up the slide (and so on), here’s the thing! If the playground is full of children bombing down the slide, you have to keep your totally oblivious 18 mo out of the way, and you have to say to your 3 yo, “If you stand at the bottom or try to climb up, you’re going to get hurt by someone sliding down — you will be knocked down! So go up the ladder.” Then watch — it may be that getting kicked over (by another 3 yo, who will likely be moving pretty slowly if we’re honest, not by rowdy 10 yos) is just the reality therapy he needs. Auntie Leila knows this sounds mean, but still…
BUT — if the playground is empty or no one is near the slide, there is really nothing wrong with climbing it! The question is of awareness, of a rule that we want our child to know is for certain situations. And here’s the thing: even a pretty young child, if he’s been to the playground before, can tell that it’s not dangerous if no one is there, and the blanket rule is an annoyance that erodes his confidence in authority or at least makes him callous and less responsive. And even if he can’t tell at first, eventually he will learn something from being warned in one case and not in the other. Eight-year-old boys love and are good at climbing up and leaping out of the way of descending sliders. They sort of have to do it!
There are lots of things in life that are like this — I can tell that my action in a certain situation is fine, even if it would not be fine under other circumstances. For instance, I really don’t have to put my turn signal on when turning off of the empty country road onto my quiet dirt lane. It’s a good rule to signal, but, if someone were to say to me, “you must signal even in this case,” that would have the opposite effect intended — it would make me less respectful of authority, not more!
Anamaria says
The daredevil 15 month old was the one period I was a bit hover-y at the playground! She did fine though, even on 15 feet high climbing equipment! I definitely tried to stealth monitor but that wasn’t always possible, especially when she was afraid to go down the slide after climbing so high!
afinch says
Lawsuits. Lawsuits are the reason for those annoying signs at teh playgrounds.
Jennifer Dougherty says
One of my favorite parts of your old kitchen was the pretty but BOLD tile transitioning the hearth to wood floor! (And the entire fireplace, people sleeping in rocking chairs, etc. area)
Leila says
I loved that too. Since I hope to have other decorative tile, I will have the floor tile be more understated. But we will still have the rocking chair, never fear!
Catherine says
A favorite Netflix “show” (most episodes are about 15 minutes or fewer) is “Old Enough,” which documents the first away-from-home errands that Japanese parents give their very young children. It inspired me to allow my youngest child (8) to handle checking out in the store (while I stand a little to the side and don’t interfere). She loves it! Toddlers are capable of so much!
Momof6 says
I love that show! Keep in mind though, Japan is supposed to be the safest country in the world for kids/families. If we Americans tried sending our kids on errands like a lot of those ones, we’d get cops picking up our kids or CPS being called on us negligent parents…
Lauren says
Hello! I am just finishing the book Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans by Michaeleen Doucleff. After I got past my desire to put the book down due to an odd insert of how the Catholic Church may be to blame for making Western parents odd because they were obsessed with incest (??), all I kept thinking is how well this relates to all I’ve learned about parenting from your blog and books. Have you read? There are definitely some things that seem off here and there, and I’d love to hear your opinions on it. I’m sure you’d have plenty 🙂