Current situation:
I closed the comments in my last post. It's okay — it's going to be okay! While I do love interacting with everyone, long comments can be exhausting; when there are many of them, what happens is that someone comes along and starts quickly responding to everything (as if it's Facebook) — and my moderation filter gets clogged up.
So then, I'm not only trying to keep up with the discussions, I'm involved with moderating all these new things and trying to figure out what they are even saying, and to whom. And guess what, I have other things to do!
The truth is that most of the things that are said in argument with my point (which was a simple one) are already well aired; things were getting repetitive.
It's sort of like divorce. We all know that people have difficult marriages. What is never really said anymore is, “Stay married, stick it out, God will bless you in the end.”
Perhaps the reason it's not said is a) no one likes to say simple things and b) as soon as you do, everyone starts bludgeoning you with exceptions and insisting you deal with every one. And maybe, just maybe, a lot of the difficulties are actually caused because there is not one clear principle that everyone stands behind, e.g., “Marriage is for life.”
In fact, the most repeated comment in dissension from my post (more on social media where I could see what was said when someone else shared it) is, “It was okay, but she doesn't address this difficulty or that difficulty.”
But we all know that life is difficult. What gets us through — what gets me through — is someone who is a little further down the road saying, “Yes, life is hard, but you can do it, we will help, God will bless you” — it being the thing you were made for, the battle you are in. You know something? My father and mother did not have a sacramental marriage. They divorced and when my mother became Catholic, she did obtain an annulment and had ample reason to. But the truth is that no one helped them. What if someone had had the boldness to encourage them, to acknowledge all the difficulties — which were many — but still stand for what they had? Who knows? But I do wonder…
Anyway, I don't see any of the people wanting me to address all the difficulties acknowledging how miserable life has become under this regime of being anxious and resistant to babies in marriage.
Far from ushering in a new age of rational, regulated, happy families, the reigning Department of Baby Resistance has made things far, far worse. For the first time in history, people are just not getting married and babies are not getting born, and women are desperately sad. Men are simply checking out.
So it's going to be okay if somewhere in those ninety-nine point nine percent of the conversations that wallow in all the issues, there is my one percent little point saying “Don't fret yourself — be at peace.”
(I will be moderating comments here, so think carefully before you add one! Check out the sidebar on the topic of commenting if you are not sure! If you would like to write an essay in response to me, feel free to do so on your own blog!)
Kitchen Renovation Corner
Early next week the inspections are finally happening, so what is really on my mind — choosing all the things — will be much more of an obsession than it already is.
I have quickly discovered that you can spend a mountain of money on things you hardly think about. Sure, we all know a stove is a big-ticket item, but what about sinks and faucets and lighting? Without blinking an eye, buckets of money can fly right out the window!
So I've been scouring Facebook Marketplace and making some fun hauls. I promise to share them as we go along. This is just a tiniest of tastes…
I will have, besides five ceiling fixtures, 5 sconces, the least of the lighting choices but woah, easy to get spendy on! And yet, to my mind, super important for that ambience of indirect glow that enhances coziness.
Someone was gutting their home and I landed three of these (with their incandescent bulbs!!):
And two of these (keep in mind that the glass shades can be changed if I want, for mere dollars):
I hope they will add a lot of what I think of as layers of time to the kitchen once I clean and spruce them up. (Do you know about Rub'n Buff? — affiliate link — I think it will be my friend here.) I will show everything in more detail later, I promise!
This was my inspiration for the top ones with the gold lines:
They are available at Olde Brick Lighting.
But, $170… not even particularly expensive for such things!
My “Layers of Time” idea is just that, ideally, the kitchen would have been well built and maintained at the start, but perhaps including already existing objects — a sink brought from another place, a work table given by a family member. Whoever lived here would fix what was broken, rejuvenate materials as needed (for instance, refinishing a good wooden floor), and add good quality things as time went on and the need arose.
Let's say the family got bigger and another sink made sense. Then one would be installed with lighting around and above it. Maybe twenty years later, someone would travel and bring home tiles that added another layer of beauty to the walls.
When you are doing a total renovation, the natural thing is to get all new stuff and stick it in there. But with everything so pricey, that might not be the best choice, and finding beautiful and useful older things can add those implied layers.
That's my thought! And it's cheaper!
From that same person I also got this one, which is hard for you to see but hopefully will be good to replace the old (totally, embarrassingly utilitarian) light outside, over the slider to the deck (that area is also affected by the gutting inside). I hope you can see the potential!
For these six fixtures I paid… wait for it… $60! I am super chuffed!
Speaking of tiles, I found on FBMP 45 handmade Italian tiles, white with a little blue in the corners, that I think could help me wrangle a tile backsplash featuring some intricately decorated tiles that I could intersperse with them.
I can hardly believe that they were $10. For the entire box of 45 tiles!
On the downside, they are 5″ x 5″; most tiles are 4″ or 6″. But I thought it was worth getting them anyway. I don't have them in possession yet (so that picture is lifted from the listing, sorry); Auntie Sue sent her son to get them for me, as they were in a town near her (and not very near me). She reports that they are very pretty and are in the trunk of her car. A good excuse for us to have lunch together!
I would use them in this fashion (just showing you the pattern — not the particular design):
We'll see!
Note that while some people profligately tile whole rooms (and in Portugal, famously, the outsides of buildings), this sort of thing, below, has its charm, I feel!
This article has examples of both modes, high abandon and modest restraint.
Recently on Instagram I had some stories in which I detailed my discovery of how rare and expensive decorated handmade tiles are!
Here are some of my inspirations — know that these are mostly random tiles on walls somewhere in Portugal and by no means for sale! I mean maybe you can find four tiles for $1000 — clearly not sustainable.
This feels like a market… I mean! Why would anyone stop making ugly things and turn their attention to universally loved, beautiful and durable objects such as these?!? And make lots of money doing it? And benefit us all? Anyone?
I swoon:
Here are some offered for sale. My heart…
From Dutch Tile:
Mexican Talavera tile, Casa Daya Tile (affiliate link):
I guess they are handmade… but still… honestly I think it would cost less to go to Portugal, Morocco, or Mexico and get some!
Many commented that I should make them (or have Deirdre and John make them), and as utterly impervious as I intend to be to any suggestion that I take up yet another creative project with all its own complications and learning curves, yet I admit — I'm sorely tempted!
Pattern Language Corner
I got this book out of the library: Traditional Construction Patterns. (affiliate link)
It is very helpful. Since the window over the sink will be a much bigger affair than what I had before, and a bit bumped out of the exterior wall (it's called a Box Bay window, though it won't have side lights), the ideas in this book are great for the decisions of how exactly it will look.
A well articulated point is that the eye prefers structures to look supported.
Modern design prides itself on withholding this comfort, favoring chunky buildings that look like they could fall on you, flimsy windows that don't interrupt the thin walls they are set in, and shelves that float.
Christopher Alexander asked the question: But why do we prefer buildings and designs of the past? And then he tried to answer with patterns, so we could move forward making our own decisions based on them.
This book shows exactly how to make that Box Bay feel settled in its surroundings, which I appreciate, because it's hard to communicate with the builder if all you are able to do is vaguely wave your arms. And unlike A Pattern Language, it includes thousands of pictures!
Quilting Corner
I decided to sew together like patches; shortly after I posted that picture, I tried (once again) a randomized overall pattern and, once again, I got seriously derailed. My OCD cannot handle it. So now I feel I am in a better spot going forward. With this, as usual, plan-without-a-plan quilt!
Then that's as far as I got, but I hope to get to it again this coming week!
Two notes, totally unrelated to each other:
First: Yes, I did many of these things like DIY-ing old stuff I bought, quilting, and crafting (slowly, and not as well in some cases, because we didn't have Pinterest and FBMP to inspire and provide cheap stuff, respectively) when I had lots of kids and was busy homeschooling. What I didn't do was post about it! Well, I couldn't, because that wasn't a thing, thank goodness. See my point? Just do it and don't worry about posting about it. But also, don't think you can't be creative — that only people who don't have kids running around can do such things! I just don't want you to think it's impossible unless you are older or what have you. I have posts about how to set yourself up to tackle a project — search “creativity”!
Second: re: Amazon affiliate links: I don't monetize anything on this blog other than being part of the affiliate program on Amazon. Note that there are zero pop-up ads to annoy you and cause your computer or phone to bog down here. I am not touting products or sponsoring anything. Only if it's something I actually use do I post a link. That means that if you click and buy something, I get a little bit of money, at no cost to you.
It doesn't have to be that thing: as long as you are going through the link you clicked on, for 24 hours, I do get something for whatever you buy. So if you would like to contribute to the renovation fund (haha), do use my link! If you don't want to, that's fine! Just open your own link to Amazon separately.
On to our links!
bits & pieces
- Here is a post from Laurel Bern's blog that shows the extreme upper limit of ridiculousness re: expensive fixtures that represent the most marginal parts of a remodel— and her ways of figuring it out. I say, don't get hung up on one particular thing, but take the general idea and see what you can find.
- This post in which the designer Emily Henderson thinks through choosing tiles resonated with me! How she goes through all the stages of decision-making in the tile journey! I love her delicacy towards her husband's preferences, which turn out to be quite grounded and helpful (in providing a familiar, to me in my particular marriage, healthy male nearly non-verbal ballast against wackiness, so needed by many of us).
I noticed, when I looked at more of her kitchen, that I had already pinned her beautiful antique work island (the first one on this board).By the way, I am pretty proud of how organized my kitchen inspiration board is! I humbly suggest that if you are doing your own renovation, you do something similar and make a lot of sub-categories for your board. It saves a lot of wasted time sorting through a jumble of visuals, many of which you might not remember the reason for saving in the first place. Also, name the whole board “A — whatever” as in “A board for kitchen inspiration” so that it comes up first (the boards are arranged alphabetically) and you don't have to scroll all the way down to the Ks every time you want to check on something.
- Sorry, it's just on my mind (and will be for some time to come; this is an A Pattern Language blog now): A good post about why the book changes everything: Let Christopher Alexander design your life. (But, keep in mind, the buildings he actually designed are a bit odd! Like everything else, we have to have common sense!)
- Susie Lloyd wrote this piece in March but I don't think I shared it! Since school is gearing up again, it might be helpful: 8 Ways to Make Homeschooling Great Again
- People asked me about my Mary statue. It's not large but it is lovely. Deirdre gave it to me a few years ago (it took me quite a while to get it organized outside!). You can get it here (I think the price has gone up, sadly).
- It can save you money to run your dishwasher at night (also dryer — however, I am not a fan of running these appliances while you sleep or are gone… )
from the archives
- Re: St. Gregory Pockets: Take it from me. It's better just to say, “I [or we if you can rope in one friend, possibly two] will be at this place Thursday from 10-12:30, come join us” than to try to get others to suggest a meeting or even say if they would like to get together. They can't handle it. They can only just show up (sometimes). Later, after they show up a few times, then they will figure it out. Be brave! And be willing to be there by yourself, which is what you would be doing anyway! This post has all the experiences and advice — read the embedded posts too!
PS. This goes for your idea in your homeschooling group to have a children's book club or “recess” get-together (you know that recess is kids' favorite part of school, right?) or sewing club or what have you. Don't suggest it to your group and ask what everyone thinks. Just decide when you would like to do it and then say, “This is happening at this time and place.” You can always change it later!
liturgical living
Memorial of the Dedication of the Basilica of St. Mary Major
Tomorrow is The Transfiguration! We have a whole chapter on this mysterious feast, by the way, in The Little Oratory!
follow us everywhere! share us with your friends!
My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!
My “random thoughts no pictures” blog, Happy Despite Them — receive it by email if you like, or bookmark, so you don’t miss a thing!
My new podcast can be found on the Restoration of Christian Culture website (and you can find it where you listen to such things) — be sure to check out the other offerings there!
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We share pretty pictures: Auntie Leila’s Instagram, Rosie’s Instagram, Deirdre’s Instagram. Bridget’s Instagram.
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The boards of the others: Rosie’s Pinterest. Sukie’s Pinterest. Deirdre’s Pinterest. Habou’s Pinterest (you can still get a lot of inspiration here! and say a prayer for her!). Bridget’s Pinterest.
bethanne says
Marriage “is” for life. Once, when I was getting married 27 years ago, I heard this story. A family friend’s mother vehemently opposed her close friend’s impending divorce. She refused to see that the marriage could not be saved, despite her friend’s reasons (which were many and serious). Her friend was angry and hurt and the friendship ended just about the time we were marrying. There was sadness all around. Twenty years later, TWENTY years later, her friend reached out to our family friend’s mother. She and her husband were reconciling and remarrying and she told her former friend, “I’ve thought about what you said all these years. You were right, so right. I am sorry I didn’t listen to you in the first place. We’ve wasted so many years. I am sorry I got divorced.” That’s the kind of “exception” we’re not hearing about, but it is a hopeful truth!
Ellen says
Wow this story brings tears to my eyes. What an encouragement! And how amazing that your mother telling the truth could be used to renew the marriage.
Therese says
I love that TWENTY years later the marriage was reconciled. Gives some of us hope .
Grace says
It’s so good to hear for sticking through the hard times of marriage and babies coming close together. We have been married for 15 years, and have gone through our share of the the hard times, but are now in such a great place, way better than the rosy beginning, and certainly unimaginably better than giving up! I wish we had stuck through the hard times of babies coming close together, as we stopped after only two, to my great and lasting sorrow, but I’m so glad to know that you are encouraging other to keep going.
Lori says
I did not comment on your last post, but I do have to say THANK YOU for telling the truth. It never occurred to me to consider God’s attitude toward children when I got married — in spite of talking to every Christian I knew at the time! I got challenged by circumstance after miscarrying my first (five years into marriage, waiting by design for my own plans), and went on to read and consider. That led to a decision that if God called children a reward, an inheritance and a blessing, then I should, too. Although my husband was very nervous, we took it one child at a time (in attitude, no contraception). Although it required work and faith, I can say without a doubt that it was the best decision we ever made. I am now 50, with nine children ages 5-24, and every one is a blessing. I have grown so much and will always be thankful for the privilege. It is not, by any means, my natural gifting (I hated babysitting!), but what needed transforming was my attitude, and God enabled the blessing.
Nancy says
So much enjoyed this post and seeing your kitchen renovation. I like your idea of layers in time. You’ve made some good deals with the lighting and tiles. Great links-Thanks!
Briony says
Tiles: we have a group booking at a ceramics studio every week – a mix of mothers and children of all ages. In between helping the kids, I make large pots (for the garden which are so expensive in the shops). But when time is short, I knock out tiles. I’m planning a utility room. They are not difficult and when I have enough (another 30 or so to go), I will decorate and glaze them the same style. The off-peak booking with no teacher required for 5 families is extremely reasonable – cheaper per family than a swimming lesson for one child. We all enjoy our time together and anything that survives the kiln is a windfall.
Mrs. Badger says
😮 Those tiles are truly swoon-worthy! I never considered those as a form of decoration to look out for until today. Someday, in a different kitchen.
Always love your thoughts. Thanks for the little creative updates and notes on A Pattern Language: it gets me off my bum on a Saturday, makes me want to create and look at and read beautiful things.
Sara says
Thank you Auntie Leila! I have read your ‘third secret’ post many times and it rings true to me and is such a comfort and inspiration! What people don’t often mention is that sometimes things can work out better than you’d think … I had a tough time having two under two through Covid with little family support and my husband also struggling with a mystery health issue (now resolved); I was very sick with both pregnancies plus a difficult birth with my first and terrible postpartum depression after my second. I wasn’t used to having health issues and felt like I had fallen apart mentally and physically and was so scared of a third pregnancy. It’s only because we’re Catholic that I do find myself pregnant with a third little one. I’m so much less sick than I was with the first two and my 4 year old and 2 year old are super sweet to me and so helpful bringing me crackers when I do feel a bit nauseous. They are a reason for me to stay up and about as long as I can and I think that helps my general mood even when I would really like to retreat to bed! The news of the pregnancy brought such joy to me and my husband and also helps us enjoy the two children we already have more – a baby really does multiply love! I think you are completely right that suffering will always be part of our lives but blessings come too if we stay open to them! Hope your kitchen renovation goes well! xx
Ashley says
What treasurers you’re finding for your renovation! Thank you for sharing.
I did not comment on your last post either, but have it saved in my email as I agree 100%. What is prompting my comment this time is your note that no one helped your parents when they were struggling in their marriage. Are you aware of Community Marriage Initiatives? They’re popping up all over the country (I’m part of my local CMI) as a way to encourage and build up Biblical marriage, connect struggling families/couples to resources in their area, and even train lay people to become part of the solution. It’s so needed for the church to step up and FIGHT for marriage; this is just one small way that is starting to happen.
Anh says
I found A Pattern Language at a library used book salea few months ago, for $1! I quickly snatched it up and thought about coming to this blog to tell you about it, since I wouldn’t have known about it without your recommendation. It’s been living on my nightstand ever since and I enjoy perusing it every now and then, thought home renovations are nowhere in my near future. But perhaps one day… 🙂
Kimberly says
“Layers of Time” perfectly describes my approach to our house! While there are some things that were done that we’ve yet to change over 20+ years (1980s ceiling fan in dining room), most of the house is filled with timeless things I think previous occupants could have added over the years.
As for the previous post, I didn’t comment, and I should have. I truly wish someone had said to me all those decades ago to let the babies come to us. Instead it was my own mother taking me to the doctor to get birth control pills, which she explained needed to be started a month before the wedding so we wouldn’t risk a “wedding night baby”. Even after learning about the dangers of the pill I still believed that I was supposed to be controlling birth, not encouraging it. The prevailing culture told me I needed to become a mature, responsible, financially stable adult before becoming a mother, but didn’t tell me that on the other side of waiting I would have fewer years to have babies and might hit a roadblock that would end my fertile years. I spent 10 years married before my first child was born — years that could have been filled with babies. In the end, I had two babies close together and during the second pregnancy my body went haywire and I was told not to have more babies, and consented to a hysterectomy to solve the issue (which was life impacting and not solvable except by surgery or the birth control pill, which I didn’t want to take at that point because I understood what the pill was doing and losing my ability to have children seemed preferable to that). Probably the hysterectomy was always going to be in my story, but I still wasted 9.5 years thinking I was supposed to be in control of when the babies came. I was wrong, but there is no way to go back in time and fix that. So keep telling the truth.
Marriage is forever (or until death anyway), and for all those exceptions people mentioned, there is separation in the hopes of repair, separation even if repair doesn’t occur, and annulment if the marriage wasn’t actually valid for some reason.
Abby says
One thing that struck me just recently is how many of the problems we have brought on ourselves. For instance – a friend has to take a teratogenic medication for a chronic disease, and feels this is an excuse for birth control. But in reflecting – how dare the pharmaceutical industry even offer such a medicine? If we had no “reliable” contraception, it would be unthinkable, no one woman of child bearing age would dare take it. So one problem compounds another, and the drug creators don’t have to keep going until they get something truly safe. That’s just one small example, there are many others, how general baby resistance as a culture has encouraged more and more (expectations of two incomes, skyhigh student loans, skyhigh day care). The problems are real but the solution honestly might be more people saying “we aren’t going to accept this status quo..”
Fernanda Kazic says
My grandmother, a simple but faithful catholic, was married to an alcoholic man, my grandfather. At the worst time her own children insisted that she should leave him. She refused on the truth that they were married for life. When I come to think of her sufferings I pray they help(ed) her to be now rejoicing in Heaven.
At the bottom of all the delusions about modern family life is the lie that you can choose wether you want to suffer or not, and how much.
Thank you Leila for taking the time and having the patience to write about marriage as clearly as you do!
Jessica Steed says
Sorry, I didn’t see the Amazon link. I’m happy to do that, but I just didn’t see the link. It’s the least I can do after all the wonderful insights you’ve given me, and how deeply you’ve impacted me and my family!!
Leila says
I’m not sure what you are referring to, but — don’t apologize! 🙂
I am just letting everyone know what the Amazon links are for! It’s whatever link I say “affiliate link” after — a product or book… e.g. A Pattern Language in this post. If you click it, whatever you buy sends me a little bit at no cost to you. If a link doesn’t say “affiliate link” it’s just a link!
Don’t give it another thought! MWAH!
Nicole says
Thank you for being willing to say the truly simple things—like marriage is for babies and marriage is permanent—in an age when double speak and denial of truth run rampant, even in the Church and among the faithful.
I read many of the comments and they struck me in the same way I’m struck with people coming up with exceptions needed for abortion. We are trying to justify something that God has been very clear about and the Church has too, historically. Life is hard. Marriage is hard. Being open to life is hard. Those things don’t alter the reality of what God said marriage is for.
My husband and I are converts (from Evangelical Protestantism). We began our entry into the Church with our three kids and an IUD. We believed we were “done” with babies because I was so sick every time. I had had hyperemesis gravidarum with the first three and was gravely ill—-hospitalized, IV’s, PICC line eventually. Getting my IUD removed after our three kids were baptized was scary and I got pregnant almost right away, so I came into the Church with three newly baptized children and a 20 week old baby growing under my heart. I’m sure we could’ve found a priest to tell us it was okay to avoid forever—given my history. We did NFP for a few years but not very well…welcoming another pregnancy which ended in miscarriage and then three more babies. I contracted Lyme and we had to avoid seriously due to medications, but somewhere in there I grew to loathe NFP. It robbed our marriage of joy, put an unnecessary burden on both of us. I overthought every fertility symptom and despised the way it made me feel about the unity designed by God. I came to realize that knowledge of our bodies for our health is a good, but not when used to monitor so closely and leading to feeling that I or we “own” our fertility. In reality, whether we overthink it or ignore it, our fertility and our children are not our own. After 22 years of marriage and now 7 children (yes, a surprise baby at the tail end of Lyme treatment) from age 19 to 2, I have happily thrown the charts away.
While certainly there are indeed times of avoiding pregnancy that are truly grave, I wish I hadn’t spent literal years rejecting the bond, rejecting the possibility of more joy and even more difficulty that comes with more children. I’m closer to the end of my fertile years and pray that God will give us another. And the joy we have found in just seeking the beauty of the sacrament of marriage have been immeasurable. I wish someone wise had told me sooner.
Mrs. T says
Auntie Leila, I’m glad you said what you said about babies. Just plain, honest truth. No dancing around the subject. I am glad you included that there is, without a doubt, suffering involved in raising a family. There’s simply no way around it.
I am due any day now, but over the winter was especially hard. Our family was under assault. It was an incredibly difficult time for us. A misunderstanding lead to the authorities probing in our lives, putting us through hell, our older child hell-bent on self destruction, and family members questioning our sanity about having another child. I even had one family member tell me, in so many words, that we had too many children already, and we housed half of the township in our home as it was. That we were failures as parents and in turn, our children would grow to hate us. Gossip has seriously injured our name in our little community. A lot to deal with while pregnant!
I credit my husband mostly for weathering the storm for our family and lovingly and openly welcoming our newest child, despite what we’ve been through. Masculinity at its finest.
Caitlin says
Mrs. T, I will be praying for you.
Barbara says
Auntie Leila, you are just the best. Thanks for all that you write and share and for the encouragement and inspiration you are to moms like me!! Love God, love your husband and family, and have all the babies!!
Rosemary says
Same sentiments as others here, of thankfulness for just speaking truth and publishing your blog posts and podcast episodes. Thank you!
Also, I am loving the mixture of colors and patterns on your quilt blocks. I usually quilt this way – without a specific pattern. I have used formal patterns and block design before, but I often find my creative juices flowing best when I just have a limited amount of time and a basket of various sizes of scraps which have to fit to the right color and pattern coordination. Not matching, just coordination.
Last, the phrase ‘layers of time’ to your decorating approach. My mom has always had what she terms ‘eclectic’ decorating style which is actually quite traditional, just with a mix of ages of furniture. She is very color-savvy and the rooms always go together but are not matchy-matchy (kind of how I quilt lol). We were talking about it recently and one of her sisters was frequently redecorating and throwing out/passing on tables and chairs and sofas, sometimes as soon as five years after buying them new. My mom took some new purchases from over the years of marriage mixed in with various pieces inherited after each set of grandparents died. I have come to feel the most comfortable in homes with a similar approach. My own home now has a few newer-ish things – a 9 year old sofa for example and we had to re-do our kitchen for safety issues when we bought our home, but lots of old things: dining room table and some dressers (I use a great-grandfather’s). It helps budget too for finding free items or cheap pricing from thrift stores or estate sale half off day!
Annie says
Looove those tiles! When visiting Portugal a decade ago I was so struck by them! St. Anthony, find Auntie Leila some beautiful blue tiles!
Thanks for your encouragement to be creative. I am rolling up my sleeves to fix up an old dollhouse for my 4yo daughter’s Christmas gift, and am getting so inspired to make something beautiful! It will take some finagling with schedules and squirreling away time to work, but I hope it will be worthwhile!
Jana Parma says
Have you ever watched any of the videos by Brent Hull? His YouTube channel is full of traditional architecture and he helps people fix their plans to be more historically correct.
https://youtube.com/@BrentHull
Helen Hawersaat says
You made the point in a reply on the previous post that people in the past did have a basic sense of how their cycle worked, and could choose to abstain accordingly, or for longer periods of time. (And guess what? If they abstained for longer than the fertile period, their marriages did not necessarily collapse.) I really want to read a history of fertility knowledge, pregnancy spacing, and contraception that goes back further than the 1930s, and discusses Catholics specifically! Anybody know of such a thing?
Susan says
I absolutely loved your last article and it has helped me tremendously. I repeat to myself, ‘love your spouse when you want to’ and ‘let the babies come to you’. That is what we have done all through our marriage, it is wonderful and it is hard. I’m now expecting #9 and it’s a rollercoaster of emotions. Thank you for speaking the truth and freeing us from the naysayers who tut tut another precious baby to live and cherish.
Amy says
Dear Leila, I join the many others in thanking you for these last posts. My husband and I, Christians though not Roman Catholics, have been on a journey to both believing and living what you say here about welcoming babies. There have been many resources and people who have helped us in this way, recently notable are Touchstone magazine (They had an whole issue earlier this year devoted to teaching how the entirety of Christianity pre 1930 was and had always been against contraception) and you. Your posts have such a helpful clarity and winsomeness. Where Touchstone and other more academic sources provide the why, you show how it can actually be done. It seems a key is to believe babies are to be welcomed not prevented at every turn.
Truthfully, I still have quite a lot of anxiety about this very thing and I think your diagnosis of “baby preventing” culture gets exactly to the heart of it. Both our families still have this baby preventing attitude to the core (they love babies, just in a reasonable amount, 2-4 well spaced kids) and it comes out often in conversation (for instance comparing daycare to the one family we know with 12 kids).
So anyway, thank you for what you do, and please continue it. You have been a blessing to my husband and me.
Leila says
You’re welcome!
Thank you for letting me know about Touchstone. I will have to search out the issue you speak of.
God bless!
Ashley says
Looks like it can be read here: https://www.touchstonemag.com/archives/article.php?id=36-01-016-f
Leila says
Thanks!
Amy says
Yes, that’s one of the articles in the issue.
https://www.touchstonemag.com/archives/issue.php?id=236
Here’s a link to the whole issue, with many articles touching on the subject.
Melissa says
I am at a crossroads regarding NFP I feel. Our 6th baby is 7 months old and we have made an attempt at postpartum NFP this time but my heart is not in it at ALL. And we aren’t even following the rules we are just- half heartedly charting. Even for someone who fully agrees with everything you’ve written, and already has a gaggle of kids, the feeling of needing to “do something” is still so strong. And I’m not even sure where it’s coming from. Thank you for the reminder that there is nothing “wrong” with having children. Our society certainly suggests otherwise.
Therese says
Thank you thank you for speaking out. . I WISH that my mother, that the people around me at the time had said that one truth– Enjoy intimacy with your husband and let the babies come . Instead, when engaged to be married – introduced to NFP at the marriage prep class- the way it was presented was as if it was just one more (but Catholic approved) method to delay /prevent pregnancy. When they push how ‘effective’ it is.. that is the impression that one gets. As a new wife, finally able to begin to relax and enjoy intimacy.. no more worries/guilt about ‘going too far’.. But now the ‘worry” was a fear of getting pregnant. All those different colored baby stickers seemed to reinforce that to me . My own mother had never talked about intimacy/ or letting babies come.. Instead growing up we got the message -even if not spoken outright- of baby fear. Too many babies =stressed out, too many bills=poverty. My own mother worked full time all her life; going back to work when I was 3 months old. How wonderful she said it was, that her own mother could watch her babies when she worked. All the charts.. all the looking at mucus etc.. as a new wife- was overwhelming to me. I began to resent the days when it appeared that it was not ‘safe’ to engage in intimacy. . then Id feel that I was failing as a wife.. and he would feel rejected physically . Then when we Did engage- and do what felt what my heart wanted and what was normal natural for a young married couple.. I soon was pregnant 4 months into marriage. I felt guilty and afraid Id messed up . Finances were already tight- how would we handle a baby? I was working full time too . But then my husband and my parents / and his mother decided that we would pay her to watch our baby so that I could continue working full time. My mother said: oh how wonderful it is; that my MIL can baby-sit so that I can keep working. It was praised that me as the wife was contributing financially to the bills.. not expecting my husband to do it all. But it was NOT what my heart wanted. I wanted my husband to tell me that it was ok to not work.. to stay home with our baby. BUT Id been raised to believe that it was somehow selfish to ask that of him, to expect that of him. That darn feminist poison my own dear Mother had believed and Id grown up with. I couldnt even responsibly ask that of my husband. MY heart was broken going back to work so soon. I was physically and emotionally exhausted.. within three weeks of this I was sick and nearly hospitalized.. I had to stop breastfeeding which broke my heart even more and I felt like Id failed as a mother . At the time- everyone it seemed around me- My MIL, my sis in laws, my own sister had been married 7 years before they went off contraception and then conceiveed the same year as we did ( after one miscarriage ) .. Everyone around me was praising how wonderful it was that I could just keep working after having our baby. Since the NFP had been presented to me as ‘catholic method of preventing babies..” it just seemed to me that well ‘that didnt work”. And so, after our next child was born.. and again I had even worse complications with that birth than Id had with the first ..and probably some level of postpartum depression especially after the second traumatic birth experience- the ‘logical ‘ thing to do it seemed was to then go on the pill. Initially the idea was to do this for only a short time.. a few years.. but then the years pass and one gets busy with life. True there was those sis in laws of my sis in law… they seemed to have big families.. but I really didnt know them well, nor see them until years later.. I imagined that those ladies were somehow born with natural patience and amazing calm to be able to raise so many children.. I didnt understand that that patience demeanor was a result of the years of welcoming and raising children . I resent that I was fed, and believed the lie of baby fear. My own MIL openly would state how some priest had advised her that ‘in her case’ it was ok to use contraception after she was ‘done’. I wish Id known then that it was OK to enjoy that intimacy whenever one wanted and to just let the babies come. I wish Id known that yes it would work out ok. That Id be able to handle it and love them all. NO one around me told me this.. then again- in my own selfishness and fear- I did not ask . It took years to forgive myself and now as a woman in menopause I wonder about the babies we might have had .
Rosemary says
Beautiful tiles!!
I bought these handmade ones from Poland several years ago. They were quite expensive, but I spaced them out with lots of cheap plain white ones. They never fail to make me happy when I look at them.
https://www.etsy.com/listing/1386618895/25-tiles-with-ornaments-turquoise-no1?click_key=8da9bcfdf1f1b1c5a0877f7eb63902665bc3db42%3A1386618895&click_sum=b3229e01&ref=shop_home_active_15&crt=1
Mrs. Bee says
It is a bit disconcerting to see a house stripped down like that, barely anything between its inhabitants and the outdoors! I often joke that Americans build houses of sticks, like the second little pig 🙂
I’d be curious to know if you have plans for the fireplace, I don’t think you’ve ever had a proper mantel or a surround: are you thinking about that at all? Not that you need even more decisions right now 🙂
“Let the babies come to you” is a lovely way of putting it. I remember, maybe from the Third Secret post, that you mention Flopsy and Benjamin Bunny being “cheerful and improvident”. Of course we’re meant to exercise prudence and use our judgment, but there is such an irresistible aura of joy around that phrase! Prudence should not rob us of joy, if it does, it’s not prudence but something else we mistake for prudence. Or it may be real prudence, but the lack of joy and peace come from our resisting the lessons we’re supposed to learn. Either way, a lack of serene joy seems to be the sign something is not right.
Melissa says
I was literally reading that book to my kids last night and thought “cheerful and improvident”… that’s nice!! Haha the phrase made me smile 🙂
Leila says
Yes, all so true!
I have been thinking about the fireplace! Maybe I do want a mantel! I started a new sub-board (under the “kitchen inspiration” board) with my thoughts, which are coming in slowly…
One thing that I am trying not to think about is that the bricks that are there were clearly added onto some other situation… I would love to know what… but we do not dare go there! We just need to make this work.
Mrs. Bee says
Yes, it would be fun to poke into all the odd places of an old house, if resources were limitless! For the fireplace, waiting to make up your mind will not hurt you at all: once the room is finished, it will be easier for you to see what really works as mantle, what really fits in with the rest.
Leila says
By the way, my house may be made of wood, but can you see those beams? They are the dark lines under the new framing for the ceiling and will show in the corner when things are put together… hard to see in these pictures, but — Pretty solid! Good old American wood!
Leah says
Thank you for being the small percentage point that speaks plainly of what is good, beautiful, and ought to be desirable to all women and especially those of the Christian faith.
Oddly enough, it was the militant trans movement and the heartbreaking horrors that accompany the delusion which finally pushed me over the edge to “let the babies come.” God’s design is good. Satan twists and distorts until we self-destruct (contraception, sterilization, willing mutilation). Eve was the giver of life; Satan, the murderer. If I want any part in fighting against him and the darkness, by the light and love of Christ, I will be a daughter of Eve and welcome life as he so generously gives.
Christina A says
This is probably too late to matter, but Anna Benham Designs has some lovely blue and white tile designs. It looks like her website is down currently, but you can see her tile (and textile!) offerings on her Instagram.
I don’t think Rebekah Merkle Designs makes her own tile, but I do love the blue and white tile you can see on the home page of her website. She certainly has lovely kitchen linens!