Explanation is great, and obviously it's something I indulge in often! It's my hobby, my passion, my possibly annoying habit.
Want to know how to set up a prayer space? I wrote thousands of words about it.
Want to know how to nurse your baby? I have chapters.
Heck, I even told you how to take a shower. (My Mom: “Why… why would you write a post about taking a shower?” Me: “Mom, you have no idea how many people have written to me to thank me and tell me they found the blog because they searched ‘how do I take a shower'”)
But…
I have to address a situation.
Possibly due to a prolific industry in some people explaining everything to other people, and again, I fully admit my complicity, a strange phenomenon has arisen.
Far from people getting more confident about the things they need to accomplish to live life, raise children, and know God, I sense more anxiety on these matters. It's almost as if the more an outsider tells a person what to do and think, the less able that person feels.
A lovely lady at a talk I recently gave totally made my day by saying that she thought The Summa Domestica is a lot like A Pattern Language, but for home life. She likened my posts/chapters to the patterns Christopher Alexander notices in architecture and planning, in that they are more an indication of what sort of thing to do than a complete set of instructions. A pattern is a template, meant to point you to the sort of criteria you should have for choosing. The idea is to teach you how to fish.
Thus, for instance, I can't possibly review every classic children's book, but my hope is that by writing about a few that have meant something to me and stood the test of time, you will spot the pattern. One selection will lead to another, and you will get the idea, so to speak — not only of what to look for, but of what to avoid.
That reader's observation relieves me a bit from worries that I fall into the error of rationalism, against which I so often preach: the error that supposes that mere instruction can supplant something more interior, which is understanding born of insight and contemplation.
All of these thoughts come from a couple of questions I've gotten from readers recently, along the lines of “what book would you recommend I read to learn more about raising and disciplining my (unruly) children and having a better relationship with them.” Now, obviously, I have recommended many such books and have even written them. What worries me a little is that these ladies are telling me that they have read them, all of them. And they still seek that definitive “how-to” that will solve their problems.
Maybe there's another way to approach things, a way that in itself offers self-assurance in the midst of the ever-changing, ever-challenging work of being in charge of a family, as well as peace about inevitable so-called failures, which are really, to use an abused phrase, opportunities for growth. Well, they are opportunities for humility and for further learning.
As per my habit, I will give you a little list, three suggestions of ways to approach your path:
Nature.
We tend to think of nature as a beautiful painting we can walk around in, and that's great, but it's also something more: nature is, above all, a given. As we read in the Book of Job, God abruptly calls Job's attention to the fact that none of us can make the sun rise. The context is Job's anguish over his suffering and questions about his seeming abandonment.
When we observe the changing of the seasons, the cycle of the birds' lives, the way the trees and flowers obey their nature and put forth their seed at appointed times, we ought to be impressed with our total lack of control over fundamental aspects of our world, that are nevertheless highly, unfathomably ordered.
God speaks to Job to set him straight on the hierarchy of being. God made us and remains God; we are not in charge. Yet we participate in His nature in our own sphere, and in our turn offer givens to those over whom we have authority, for their own good. I mean, there are a lot of things to think about when we go outside and see what God has made in this world of ours, and even when we are inside and think about the givenness of our bodies, our own human nature.
Beauty.
If we take care to mind ordinary beauty — the making, the doing, the keeping, raising our daily tasks to the higher level of being done well, with attention to harmony in color, form, sound, and relationship to function, many lessons will be learned. So often our busyness prevents us from receiving wisdom from our actual tasks.
The truth is, our children learn more from how we do our own duties than from our attempts to talk them into attending to theirs. This sounds too utilitarian; when really it is about our own orientation to beauty, which is harmony and fittingness, even in little things. Beauty can teach us what we are so desperately seeking in mere systems. (Pay special attention to the sounds that you surround yourself with, and I will offer one small tip: reduce or eliminate, as much as possible, any excessive amplification in music. If the music relies on sheer volume for its effect, it's doubtful that it's beautiful.)
Experience.
Wisdom and prudence (knowing what to do in a certain situation) are filtered through memory and experience. If a person always seeks a new program for action, that person might be avoiding learning from his own experience as he remembers it. Isn't memory mysterious? As I get older, I am surprised at how a memory I've had for so long will take a new meaning in light of a new situation. Respect your memories; respect your experience. They make understanding possible for you.
Pondering.
All of these ways require pondering to bear fruit within your soul. Give yourself time to ponder and don't fear the silence necessary to do it. How did all those people, those authors you seek, get to be so confident about their ways, anyway? Because they observed and thought about things. That's it. That's the secret. You are meant to be the expert in your own situation, if you give yourself the chance. Yes, we have a lot to learn from others, but they have no way of knowing your particulars, your context. I really hope and pray that my own writings convey this important message: I'm not the expert; I'm the messenger who says, “If I can do it, so can you. Here are the patterns I've discovered and no doubt, you will discover the way to your own confidence, competence, and peace.”
In this liturgical time of Pentecost, of giving the Holy Spirit a chance to work within us as promised, let's be open, with the awe and love, to His gifts, of wisdom, understanding, counsel, and knowledge; and the fortitude to seek them!
bits & pieces
- Stella Morabito reminding us that “there is a very strong connection between the survival of freedom and a healthy private sphere. If we don’t want to be further atomized, we must vigorously protect and defend that sphere of life against government intrusion.”
The St. Gregory Pockets are a way to gather people together in real life to begin the bonds of community. Remember, you aren't necessarily finding your best friend (though you may); you are simply working towards a healthy private sphere so that your children will have friends when they need them. Go beyond your book club and form real connections with those in your area.
- Here and in my book I recommend Effective English Prose for your high school student, because it's the book my husband cut his authorial teeth on and the one he gave me, when I was still in college, to learn good diction and expression (I still tend towards too many parenthetical remarks, but it's not their fault).
It's out of print, but you can read (or listen to) it here.
- The Heresy of Divorce for Remarriage. This heresy goes against the plain words of Scripture.
- I think my husband would agree with this, substantially: Why your men's group should eventually fold. I get lots of mail asking what men could read that is like LMLD, or how to get husbands to go to men's groups, and while I think some of it is fine, the article makes good points.
from the archives
liturgical living
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jadeddrifter says
Bless you for this post. I’m telling you: with some frequency you post just the things that have been on my own mind. I see this as evidence of the Spirit who is trying to systematically communicate something specific to men and women of good will.
Rosemary says
What a beautiful brick path and grotto for your Mary statue. How lovely! I plan to pass on the article on the Men’s group to my husband. He has recently joined a men’s group at our parish that he really looks forward to attending.
Catie Hb says
Yes, a template! That is what we need as we work to raise up these children and build a beautiful and loving home and life. Trying to follow every little command from a third party causes insecurity and stilts the Holy Spirit working through YOU and YOUR family… in all its uniqueness. Thank you.
Also, — what inquiring minds want to know! —- how is it going with your kitchen??
Leila says
I will try to round up some pictures for Saturday! Meanwhile, I have been posting in my IG stories…
Eva Marie says
Beautiful. Thank you. Bless you. As stated above, exactly what I needed. I turn too often to internet searches to try to find an answer to a question when I need to turn to God and use the sense He gave me and the experience and the PONDERING. Excellently well said.
Mary Eileen says
This needs to be said!
Ah, how do we tell people/ourselves not to look for someone to tell us what to do! Authors of even very nice books can become like celebrities, being attributed an undue amount of authority over our own experience.
We must observe and reflect and have confidence. But, it’s difficult in a world where so very many givens – drilling down all the way to how to hold a baby or peel a potato (ahem or do both at the same time) – have been obscured.
This is the reason why those who know how to try to live , MUST do it, no matter how unglamorous or mundane the world perceives that commitment.
Kelsey says
Leila, I am beyond thrilled that we have the very same statue of Our Lord and Lady! I love it so much. Ours is at ground level in the front yard and the toddler sometimes stops to hug it.
Leila says
Love it! It’s such a beautiful statue, I can see why she gets hugs!
Rob Marco says
I’m a man/dad, so almost feel like an intruder here (haha) but wandered over there for some reason this morning and just wanted to say I appreciated this post, as it shows a heaping of acquired wisdom with generous dashes of humility.
From an outsiders perspective, curiously, I have noticed my wife’s ‘mom group text’ constantly lighting up with “Can anyone recommend X book for Y?” Or “What is the best Z?” I mean I understand women are much more into this way of communicating, but it seems there is a lot more room for trusting one’s own experience and ‘pondering’ as you say here (which is great):
“How did all those people, those authors you seek, get to be so confident about their ways, anyway? Because they observed and thought about things. That’s it. That’s the secret. You are meant to be the expert in your own situation, if you give yourself the chance. Yes, we have a lot to learn from others, but they have no way of knowing your particulars, your context. I really hope and pray that my own writings convey this important message: I’m not the expert; I’m the messenger who says, “If I can do it, so can you. Here are the patterns I’ve discovered and no doubt, you will discover the way to your own confidence, competence, and peace.”
As an aside, I’m the author of the Crisis piece “Why Your Catholic Men’s Group Will Eventually Fold” that the “Why Your Catholic Men’s Group SHOULD Fold” article responded to, and he makes some valid points. After being invited to a “Men’s Conference” this past Saturday (after coming off a 5 day silent retreat which was so nice for having the time to ‘ponder’), it reaffirmed that such pre-packaged/inorganic ministry type things we can probably do without.
Anyway, keep up the good work! Was lovely to meet you in person as well and affirms that that wisdom is not just on a page.
Mary Seat of Wisdom, pray for us!
Leila says
Thanks, Rob! I appreciate your thoughts so much! (And of course we always welcome guys here in the comments!)
It was wonderful to meet your family and stay with you on our trip to Virginia. Thank you again!