Hi Auntie Leila!
I've been working my way through your Summa Domestica Books. I'm a single woman hoping to marry, and trying to learn as much as I can to prepare myself. While I know we need to focus on living within our means, and making do with what we have, I was wondering if you had a list of products you wish you had when starting the married and family life? Or just things to add to the registry? Even as a single girl I already have a horse and dog and when I read your suggestion about water hog mats, I asked myself where they had been my whole life!!! Would you happen to have a list of these game-changer products that we can either put on our own registries, or give to other couples? Thanks so much!
Ali
Dear Ali,
Well, these are two questions in one — what a single girl could be investing in — a sort of expanded idea of a trousseau, if you will — before marriage, and what would be good to put on the registry.
For the latter question, we do already have a post about that. it's here: Your marriage is your gift to others; a Guide to Registering.
This post is part of a larger series that Deirdre did on weddings, and I highly recommend that everyone peruse those posts and share them with mothers of the bride and brides and people in general, as wedding prep season begins to gear up! They are all linked here.
But the first part of the question is very interesting to me. I actually get a lot of mail from young ladies who are not yet married but would like prudently to prepare for the day that they step into the role of wife and mother.
When you are single, you still need pots and pans and furniture. They could be temporary, throwaway items or they could be in your virtual hope chest (but you're already using them), well made and sturdy enough to be a significant contribution to setting up your married household later. What would those items be?
- Unexpectedly, Ali mentions water hog mats! I wrote about them here in this post about how the home gets dirty. If you are so frustrated at the sand and grit that's all over your floors, know that everyone is tracking all that in and you need mats to stop it at the door. This is the kind I like (affiliate link) but you can certainly find them at your local home goods store. They are rugged enough to last for you to bring to your new home. I'm not a fan of the ones with bumps and deep grooves because they are hard to vacuum; I'm always amazed at how much better I feel about life if I just vacuum the mudroom, and who wants that job to be annoying.
- I think a young lady should invest in and learn to use a sewing machine. It's a hard item to commit to, money and time-wise, when you have a young family and realize you need one, but a fine purchase for a single person.
There are so very many items for the home and body that are exceedingly simple to sew and quite expensive to buy. Curtains, napkins, duvet covers, pillowcases, skirts, baby blankets… we are talking straight seams and very little time commitment.
It's the kind of thing you will find second hand in great condition, as many people buy them and don't use them. And of course, even vintage ones work extremely well.
I like mine a lot* (affiliate link)(but find one second hand)
- A Dutch oven. (affiliate link) When you are single, you can make a pot of something (stew, chili, braised whole chicken) and eat it during the week, freezing portions for future use. When you are a married lady, this investment will be something you will always turn to. I see them on FB Marketplace all the time.
Ditto a cast iron pan — however, I urge you to find a vintage one. Poking around in thrift stores will eventually pay off, and the older ones are made with a better process and are much smoother in the interior, leading to better non-stick cooking. Even a sketchy-looking one can be restored with little trouble, and it's so worth it — there are many how-tos online. Here is my post on how to season and care for your cast iron.
- A well made sleep sofa with classic lines and styling. (Here is my “good furniture” board on Pinterest.) When you're rooming with friends, you may need a sofa; when you're married with little kids, you probably won't have a guest room but you will want a comfy place for overnight visitors. At some point, you can demote it when you get a nicer one for your living room, and having a well made sofa in the secondary room helps the housekeeping undburdensome.
Furniture of poor quality demoralizes housekeeping, rendering it a futile, avoided activity. It's better to buy something good and demote it when you have the space to fill than to get something of low quality later because you have so much furniture to buy. I got an American made sleeper sofa second hand for my rec room; this sort of piece is indestructible due to the heavy-duty microfiber suede-like fabric (which is totally scrubbable and looks great!) and strong construction, and would be a good choice for a single gal, to last forever. You can always replace the mattress, you know!
- Cookbooks that teach you how to cook and contain information about food in general, vs. books with a lot of recipes (which are fun, don't get me wrong). My go-tos, even after all these years, can be found in this post. There are others and they can all be found second-hand! Investing in a Cooks Illustrated general cookbook would be a good way to go. I have never used it, but I have always been impressed when served something made from it!
Bonus:
- On IG I have a hashtag — Philsbachelorstuff — about little items that have definitely stood the test of time for me! They are not sexy but they are go-to things in my kitchen for sure — if you find similar things at thrift stores, grab them. I have other things to add and will do so eventually.
Readers, what did you get when you were single that you are so glad about now? What do you wish you had invested in because it never seems to be affordable once you have your numerous family? Let us know in the comments!
*My sewing machine works flawlessly and I've had it for 10 years. Pros: smooth, trouble-free operation; good choice of stitches; handles thicknesses of fabric; has a needle-threader which became a necessity at the time I bought it, as I had trouble seeing the eye of the needle! Cons: The button to reverse stitch is annoyingly placed on a slant away from the user there on the front of the machine, so it's hard to distinguish from the other two buttons as it's not easily in view, yet used all the time; you choose a stitch type by toggling through, which is annoying when there are more than 30 to choose from! Push, push, push, push… dumb. I would prefer a knob that you simply turn to your selection.
bits & pieces
- I've been enjoying the Farmstead Meatsmith. I'm learning more about preserving meat from them. This episode of the podcast has a good discussion about priorities and the hierarchy of goods when making choices about where to live, a subject much visited, here at LMLD and in my inbox.
- This article is the first one I've come across that explains the real danger of TikTok (just click past the first screen) to our young people — even more than the data collection which is a huge and pressing issue.
The entire app works in a way from which it is difficult to extricate oneself. Yes, any individual post might be of great interest and information to you — a little demonstration of a novel way to cook an egg, for instance. But it's the next post and the next one and the next one… maybe sort of related but then not related, sucking you in because each one is just a minute or two, taking you to more fun ways to cook eggs but also to people doing degrading (yet perhaps not absolutely immoral though maybe) things… it's difficult to stop, to say “enough.” The eyes begin to flicker. The brain gets patterned. To a certain extent, Instagram does something similar with reels. Tiktok is nothing but reels, designed to both track use and prod the user into areas of weakness.
I take my stand in saying that any child should not have any device of any kind that connects to the internet (the only exception being the computer out in the open for one or two classes when he's a teenager — maybe you have an exception but this is my rule). You wouldn't hand your child or anyone you loved a drug to use at will. That is what TikTok is — a debilitating drug.
- If you knit, you may already know about using a lifeline. I thought this tutorial makes it easy to figure out.
- If a priest will come to your home to anoint a sick person, you may want to watch this little vintage film to recover the collective memory. Similar to the instructions in it (so delicately offered), when a priest is bringing Holy Communion it would be fitting to have a small table with a cloth and candle as well.
- Publishers are busy changing children's books of the past. (I'm linking to the archived version of this piece that is behind a paywall.) Even when I was a child this was a thing, but mostly to abridge longer stories. It was annoying, though, to find out that you hadn't actually read this or that book… but now a new edition of a well remembered favorite is likely to be subjected to political correctness or simply flattened out (sometimes in weird and inscrutable ways) and made “easier to read and understand” which means more boring. Buy used books when possible! Of course my LMLD Library Project is what this all about. (See the menu bar above.)
from the archives
- There's still time to print out My Lenten Rule (do it in the Chrome browser or it won't come out right) for the whole family, perhaps on heavier than usual paper. My students like to color in the image on the back.
- Do you need a Bossiness Cure for a certain child? (There are many more of my discipline ideas in my book, don't forget!)
liturgical living
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Karen A. says
I received a KitchenAid stand mixer at my bridal shower, and I wish in retrospect I’d had it during my single year of life when I was living in an apartment (and engaged). It would have made baking and cooking so much more fun and easy! That mixer is still going strong 23 years later.
Emily says
OH YES re: stand mixer! I got that for my first Christmas after I moved out of my parents’–almost 18 years later it is still kicking and I love it.
Second the bits about good furniture, ESPECIALLY a couch, and the Dutch Oven.
It’s funny that people don’t think that single women, um, need things! It drove me crazy my first few years–all my friends were getting married but no one, except one aunt, thought, “You know, I bet Emily needs some things!” (I’d gone from living with my parents to my first place.)
If you love tea, get an electric kettle. So life-enhancing if you are a tea addict, and you can find great sales on them around the holidays!
Leila says
I decided a while ago to use my single kids’ birthdays as occasions to give them good household items as well as the usual books, scarves, and so on. It’s true — they are living their lives where they are and need decent dishes, utensils, bedding, and so on, and if those things are of good quality, they will be able to take them on to whatever else they will do (unless they decide to enter a convent or monastery!)
Teri Pittman says
Unfortunately, the new ones don’t seem to be as good.
Dixie says
What great ideas! I would add a Kitchen-Aid Mixer to the list. It will last forever. Mine is almost 20 years old and is none the worse for wear. Get a big one; 5 qts at least. Like the sewing machine, it’s an expensive purchase once you have a family but easier to save up for when you are single. Once you have one, you will also find yourself baking and cooking from scratch much more often, saving money and improving nutrition (as opposed to store-bought).
Another thing I was glad to have already when I married was a decent — not a “beater” that was about to fall apart — used car that I had already paid off. It lasted 7 years into my marriage. It’s much easier to direct money towards a car payment (or student loans) when you are single, even if you’re not making that much money. Put all the money you can toward car, student, and any other debt. You will be glad that you did!
Leila says
Yes! So true! I know some families that kept their little Toyota sedan going until their teens were ready to learn to drive!
As to the kitchenaid — mine is 35 years old! And going strong. I am not at all sure about the new ones. Ideally one could find an older one at an auction for a house that is being broken up and the occupants clearly never really used any of their appliances…
Dixie says
Mine was a Toyota sedan, too, and we would have kept it even longer had we not needed space for more kids! I still see the new owner driving it around town.
Leila says
My thought is that it could work out to have the little sedan or station wagon as Dad’s car for work as mom levels up to the minivan etc. I think it could even work, once it’s paid up, to have it as a third car. It can be a car for the newly licensed teen to get to his job in etc.
That probably wouldn’t work for everyone, but it’s worth thinking about if it’s there, if you already have it as a single girl.
Atlanta says
I love this post! And i heartily agree that vintage cast iron is far superior to new. One thing I bought the year before I got married was a Blendtec heavy duty blender. Over $600 10 years ago. I knew that would seem like an extravagance after marriage, but I have literally used that thing multiple times a day every day since getting married. Totally worth it for the way I cook.
Cas says
Savings. Save now. Be frugal and make do. It’s so much easier to save when it’s just you (and even more if you’re living with family)! Anything you save now can go towards big goals later.
I love my slowcooker. I can easily make soup or stew for 6-8 people, or 6-8 portions to freeze!
My husband loves our (originally his) mixer and blender. Hopefully they’ll last 🙂
I was also very glad to be prepped with a variety of bedsheets, pillow cases, towels, kitchen items etc. (Thanks mom, MIL and grandma!) These things can be cheap (even when it’s good quality), but buying a trillion cheap things still gets expensive!
Ellen says
I bought nice bookshelves with glass doors as a single lady. It was so lovely to have those set up in our new home when we had otherwise cheap and simple furniture. And as i didnt meet my husband til i was 30, i also got to enjoy them in my lovely little apartment for several years. There is alot to be said for making your space beautiful wherever you are and at whatever stage of life. I also had more time and income for thrifting and garage sale hunting at that stage of life. It’s alot harder to bring 4 kids in and out of the car and have to make a decision while they are all getting hungrier.
Katie says
I second the Janome recommendation. I have the Janome Magnolia 7318, which is blessedly computer-free; the (limited, but plenty for me) stitch selection is by a dial. It has never so much as hiccuped when mowing through unbelievably thick stacks of liturgical brocade and trim, etc.
A single-but-thinking-ahead woman myself, another thing I’ve put some money into is real wool rugs. I figure they’ll be easy to transport and bring a lot of color and warmth to wherever I may find myself in the future. There’s room in my budget for them now but probably won’t be when there are multiple mouths to feed.
Jenn says
A nice vacuum cleaner!! We spent years trying to scheme how to afford one that didn’t stop working after a year, thereby essentially wasting $60 each year, but we just didn’t have the cash for a large purchase like that. We ended up putting it on a credit card because it really was a constant demoralizer, and I’ve often thought I had some of my priorities backwards when I was registering. If I had it to do over again, I’d register for a Meile, a kitchen-aid, sturdy dishes, and little else!
Blayne says
I registered for the Mikasa Antique White China. It’s not expensive and someone actually bought me 10 settings! It’s so functional, and so sturdy. It’s what we use daily, but it’s also nice enough to use for holidays, (if you haven’t already got lovely extra special dishes of course!). I’ve had it 14 years now! Sometimes I look at it and think, I can’t believe we still have these! It’s nice to set the table for even basic macaroni and cheese and broccoli when the dishes all look nice and tidy. And these can be put in the microwave, dishwasher, etc.
Amy says
We did something similar. Lenox French Perle. Study and simple enough for every day but also nice enough for those nicer dinners.
We also registered for two sets of silverware. I remembered when my siblings and I were in high school my mom was running out of silverware and had to supplement from the “by the fork” racks at the store. Figured it won’t hurt to have a fill in set ready for when we get to that point.
Anamaria says
I also started with two sets of silverware! It seemed extravagant but it was not. (I sadly lost some when I had a 5 year old, 3 year old, a 15 month old and a newborn and my husband bought me paper plates every week 😥)
Caitlin says
That little film was somehow so satisfying to watch!
sibyl says
I second the comment about a reliable car. We went into our marriage 27 years ago with an econobox that did not make it very long, and since then we have had a long procession of beaters. The unexpected (but totally predictable) car repair bills were/are huge hits to our family finances.
May I also suggest a queen-size bed? As a single person it might seem like a luxury, but it is so nice to not have to immediately spend $1000 on a marriage bed — spend that money on a lovely honeymoon!
Jennifer says
Wow, I thought I’d be the only one to say this… but yes, the most reliable car you can afford is something you’ll thank yourself for. I also strongly second the suggestion (though not a “fun” one) of avoiding/paying off ANY debt that you have… whether it be student debt, a car loan, mortgage… the less debt you have, the freer you will be from constraints later on.
And just a “fun” suggestion… buy yourself some pretty clothing that you love so that your future husband won’t be raising his eyebrows and questioning your need for another dress. 😉 Oh, and of course it’s nice to have some beautiful, flattering outfits for when you are dating, too…
Kim F. says
Yes to the Kitchen Aid stand mixer!! I still have mine over 23 years later. And I keep looking into upgrading to a bigger one, but the reviews on the newer ones are not good. Sometimes I have to just do two batches of whatever because it’s not big enough. But it works great! I also agree with the electric tea kettle. It heats water so much faster than on the stove and I drink a lot of tea.
Annie says
A good food processor- Kitchenaid or similar! I inherited my mom’s old one when I was single, and she just gifted one to my single sister this Christmas. There’s so much it can help you accomplish- pie crusts, etc etc
Anamaria says
A good car! Yes! My husband is still driving the one I bought in 2008, and it shows little signs of dying despite the fact some mechanics ruined the transmission changing the clutch….(it still doesn’t sound right but it drives fine).
A good queen bed sounds like a good idea- it took us 10 years to get a bed we like! And usually that’s not in the registry- but only if it doesn’t make you lonely. Otherwise, use some of that gift money at the wedding for a king or queen bed!
Paying off debt and saving is definitely high priority. Then I would second the kitchen aid and a good pot and a good pan (I have the all clad set from William-Sonoma snd do use most of it every week). You’ll likely get some of this for your wedding but it is nice to have earlier!
I would also suggest a few single gal adventures… I used to feel bad about the wild trip to Russia I took with two friends but now I look back with fondness on traveling, especially that kind (taking 2 days to get there because that’s how it was cheapest; staying with friends of friends in Berlin on the way; staying with Spanish missionaries connected to one of my travel companions in Russia etc). I dream of hiking again in Patagonia like I did studying abroad. I mean, don’t be totally impractical with your money and time, but I’ll never travel like that again, and it is kind of amazing (I am anti-travel all the time, travel as consumerist experience so I hope you understand…)
Marie says
I agree with traveling. I had a wonderful few trips around the country/world. They were on the cheap, but would be too expensive and completely impossible now with small children.
Travel is certainly not as necessary as people can make it out to be, but I did have some wonderful experiences.
Amy says
So many good ideas here! I definitely agree with so many; KitchenAid (love mine), sewing machine, practical car and paying down debt are all excellent ideas. But I would say just as important as investing in items is investing in yourself by spending time NOW acquiring skills that you will use your whole life. Buying a sewing machine is the easy part; spend some time taking a class or teaching yourself how to use it is the real value, and the value will be returned to you many times over if you can save your family some money by turning pants with holes in the knees into shorts, hemming skirts, mending jacket linings, etc. This goes for so many things that add value or beauty to your life now as well as later. You can learn to can and make preserves! Join a gardening club or community garden and grow flowers or vegetables! Learn to play an instrument or speak a foreign language that you can someday share with your children! I can almost promise you have more time now than you’ll have after marriage, whatever your marriage looks like, so use that wisely.
Leila says
Yes, Amy, I certainly agree! This is my post about that (linked in the from the archives category above, but the link was broken; I fixed it): https://likemotherlikedaughter.org/2015/07/ask-auntie-leila-setting-up-housekeeping-building-a-home/
Elizabeth H says
Agreed on the issue of time! I thought I was busy as a single professional in DC… bwahahaha. After marriage there was certainly less time for such things (happily so) and now with four kids 5 and under I am busier than I ever thought possible. And that’s with neglecting anything that is not essential right now. I wish I would have read more (right now I’m plowing through your books, Auntie Leila, to survive—thrive even!) and learned to sew, among other things. But this is why I’ve been looking for collective wisdom going forward.
Katie says
RE: sewing machines, buy a used old-school, all metal Kenmore. Most have all the stitches you will ever need, and some models have decorative stitches for fun. You can get them on FB or Craigslist for less than $100. They are easy to learn to use and maintain, and then you can keep them running yourself. You’ll never have to take them in for service, saving plenty of money over the life of the machine. They are much more reliable, less fussy and designed for garment sewing and mending (as opposed to quilting, which most machines are made for these days). No nylon or plastic gears to snap, no annoying electronics, just beautiful, sturdy stitches.
Teri Pittman says
Or buy yourself a treadle sewing machine which will easily last another hundred years and is perfect for children to use when they are learning to sew.
RachelSor says
I spent my single years collecting artwork that I loved through various thrift stores, auctions, and family members passing things down, and I’m SO GLAD I did! While there are certainly pieces that I now find my husband doesn’t love, we’re fine with keeping them for now until we can afford something we both really like. But being able to move into our first apartment and then our first home and not have sad, naked walls… that was wonderful. And, bonus, not having sad, naked walls in my homes as a single girl, either! Ha.
Jeanne says
I have found that the French Magimix food processor (https://magimix.us/) makes it so much easier to chop, grate, or slice fresh food like vegetables, fruit, nuts, and cheese. It’s expensive, but it saves so much time, and lasts forever.
I am a big fan of old steel Bernina sewing machines. I am still using the basic Bernina sewing machine and overlocker that my grandma got in the 1980s, and they work beautifully. They need to be serviced every couple of years, but they never break.
A Kenwood stand mixer is a good alternative to a Kitchen Aid. I am always in a hurry when making sourdough bread or pizza dough and my extra large Kenwood mixer makes is much easier to fit baking into a busy day.
Rosemary says
I will say that I read a heavily edited version of Dr. Doolittle to my kids, which I didn’t realize had undergone this modernization process. It was meh. Then I started to read them the original version of the second book in the series (the one that won a Newbery) and was shocked at how much *worse* it was. For one thing it was very preachy and moralizing in the most obnoxious of ways. And it was–yes–very racist!The black character is a prince from Africa, but he’s very stupid, and only given servant roles like being the cook. Apparently in the first book–edited out in the edition I’d read–he’d gotten so scared by something he’d turned white!! Even if that had been edited out as it had been in the first book I read … it was just a very poorly written book overall.
I don’t really have a point here–I certainly don’t approve of erasing everything that might offend modern readers’ politically correct sensibilities–but that made a big impression on me. I wonder if it’s worth “updating” certain books at all–either a book is worth reading, or it’s not.
Leila says
It’s really true that not every old book is worth reading! Sometimes abridgments are needed. I talk about that in this post https://likemotherlikedaughter.org/2016/06/read-not-books-voracious-reader/
What is really objectionable is the blandifying. I would rather my child encountered something rough from the past than something smoothed out for the present, though I always recommend choosing carefully. Basically, the censors of today really think that *they* are immune from the fate of having a flawed world view. C. S. Lewis called this “chronological snobbery.”
Sometimes books of the past just had one great idea — like a veterinarian going all over the world and encountering fantastical animals, or being stranded on a desert island as in Swiss Family Robinson — but poor execution. It is what it is — the book, that is. Fine to abridge or even rewrite as your own work. Not fine to go back and change words here and there to suit an equally corrupting ideology.
Leila says
I read Dr. Doolittle when I was a kid. Good to know it’s not really worth another go!
Elizabeth says
Lots of good ideas for single women. I just got married at 32 and was so grateful to have many things like a handed down KitchenAid and sewing machine that I know how to use. Quality, classic clothing items are great too.
One downside to marrying at this point is that we both had a lot more stuff than if we had gotten married in our early 20s! I tend to be more thrifty and hold on to almost anything that is still useable, but I wish I had given away more items before moving (cheap clothing I haven’t worn in years, random collections of craft supplies that I have no plan for). Oh well! Now I’m doing it before baby comes in a few months!
One thing we wish had now was more tall bookshelves!
Leila says
This makes me laugh! Life is indeed a comedic balancing act!
Trena says
I think it’s time to stop differentiating between a single home, and a married home. A home is a home. Anything you will need to make a married home, you need to make a single home. Period. Whether it be cleaning tools, furniture, kitchen tools and supplies, a good mattress, good bedding, financial direction.
And I could argue, it’s even more important as a single person to have a home that feels like a home. What to prioritize? That is up to you. But don’t wait.
Personally I think we should switch the time we do household registration to either high school or college graduation. My aunt gave me a six setting dining set when I graduated college. It was the best gift ever.
Leila says
Well, consider my post encouragement for investing in quality items, no matter what your marital status.
However, many singles (especially those graduating from high school, and certainly many graduating from college) are not going to be in one place for long, may not have any money at all to spend on anything, and understandably need to “travel light” due to moving around — I would say that few could accept a full dining set!
Many professionals who are not married are sharing living quarters with others, sometimes without much space.
So it is a different situation (though often young marrieds share some similar circumstances).
I am answering the question in the spirit in which it was asked!
Heather says
The Dutch oven would definitely have been a good investment during my single days! I also agree with the commenter who recommended a high quality vacuum. From my husband’s bachelor investments, I learned the usefulness of a good clothes steamer (depending, of course, to some extent on the type of wardrobe you need to maintain).
I would certainly add to the excellent list of cookbooks _Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat_ by Samin Nosrat. It is an instructive and immensely delightful how-to-cook book with a generous section of very good recipes. (The non-recipe portion is also available as an audio book, equally wonderful.)
Elizabeth says
Came back to add a link to my sewing machine:
https://a.co/d/fzTkBc1
It’s a lightweight machine, with basic stitch functions, including a button-hole. I’ve had mine for 13 years and have had no issues with it! It would be perfect for a college student or single woman who might still be moving a lot, since it’s small and lightweight. I’ve made clothing with it and even made a small quilt. Great for beginners to more experienced sewists who want a travel machine.