Don't you love Epiphany? It's a season that allows Christmas to sink in; it allows us to reflect on Christ's love, the Love that deigned to come to us as a babe in the manger. We have a time of grace to begin to contemplate how this love is for us and for the whole world.
New Year's resolutions actually fit into this season, I think. The light grows and we have a new energy and are bolstered and emboldened with the knowledge that God has come to redeem us. It's a good time to take stock and try to make new habits.
We didn't used to call it overstimulation back when I was young, but when I recently saw something about this idea for moms, I reflected on how, as a young woman definitely fighting through to a quieter situation, I developed some strategies to address just that issue, of needing to be calmer so that I could think!
Some circumstances make thinking harder. There are habits we lack that can make life seem disorganized and draining. And our bad habits express themselves as “being in a bad mood” or “snapping at our loved ones” and it's probably a good idea not to find excuses for those things (as what I read, the silly post that prompted this probably silly post, was basically trying to do), but to confront them.
Over the years that I've been writing here, I have definitely mentioned many of my strategies, but as we are in the glow of a new year with all its promise, I thought I'd collect them in one place under this rubric of “making things less overstimulating” in hopes of alerting you to them as well, since that's the way people are talking about the whole subject at the moment. (Also, p.s., I wrote three volumes about it all! You can use your Christmas money to get The Summa Domestica and know more about it!)
It's also fashionable to talk about triggers — I am here for it!
Let's have a list! A random list of things to tackle, triggers to confront, and habits to make or break:
Dust — somewhere along the way, dusting got to be treated like an old-fashioned activity that can certainly be dispensed with in order to simplify, but dusty things are overstimulating. One approach is to have fewer things. This is a matter of the situation. We may indeed have too many things, but even if we have only a few, those few need to be wiped down occasionally, as does the surface they sit on and even, yes, the baseboards below.
Wrinkles — ironing is like dusting, so passé, but wrinkled clothing feels like we look terrible and have nothing to wear, which in turn leads to buying more clothes, which is overstimulating because having lots of clothes creates many issues (discussed here). So making ironing things a part of our routine can help create a calmer environment by reconciling us to the clothes we already have.
Plastic bags — don't leave anything in your house in a plastic shopping bag if you can help it. Depending on where you live (because I know in some places they have gotten rid of them completely), you may be more or less susceptible to this form of stimulation, but if it's a factor, do your best to eliminate it.
A plastic bag looks like a bag of trash, so your vision is being challenged in that way. It makes an unpleasant crinkly noise, affecting your hearing. It sets up a static-electricity field that adds a level of unpleasant response to your touch. And yet, often we just leave things in their bags, on our counters, tables, chairs, and floors.
I long ago decided to adopt the habit of taking things right out of the bag as soon as possible and putting the receipt (also unpleasant and even chemically stimulating — handle them as little as possible and then wash your hands) where it should go (throw away or file). I am fine with the items then being loose on the kitchen table or stairs while they await their final destination.
The exception is if you are returning something. It's so irritating to have that plastic bag lying around that the return happens faster, but I like to get it back into the car as soon as possible.
Unnecessary print — eliminate it from clothing, household items, decorations. Your brain reads words and can't not read them. If things are emblazoned with words, you will be reading them unconsciously all day long. EAT EAT EAT — do we really need to be saying this to ourselves while we are in the kitchen? MOMMY'S LITTLE GIRL — does that need to be in our heads just because we happen to look at this child, who is indeed our little girl? COFFEE COOKIES PITCHER MILK– I knew this trend of having every dish stamped with its function was not for me. Think about pillows, towels, signs, blankets… it will be better for them not to have words on them. It even takes mental effort to keep these things from stimulating us — a part of our brain has to work at not focusing on words it doesn't want to worry about… similar to…
Background music and noise — it's bad enough that stores have it. At home and in the car, let's have silence or something we really mean to listen to. It takes a mental effort to shut down the part of our brain that listens, which we have to do if we are going to think our thoughts or listen to a conversation instead. If we are wondering why it grates on our nerves to have a child or spouse say something to us, the answer may lie in all the other noise that we are unconsciously dealing with.
Our machines are constantly humming and even beeping. It's worth it to me to seek out a toaster/microwave/oven that doesn't constantly beep (the worst was when I had an oven that played a little tune when it preheated, and the best gift my son ever gave me was disabling that satanic thing). Have some awareness and maybe put some of these things in another room or run them when you are not there, if possible.
It goes without saying that there should not be any device on your body that is beeping or otherwise alerting you to anything. That apple watch may be actually driving you insane; is it worth it…
Having to think through things that should be routine — hence my “taking a shower” post and also my advice to clean a room in the same direction every time. These aren't arbitrary rules to torment you. On the contrary! They are attempts to lift the decision-weights off our own shoulders.
Make the decision once and then embed it in a habit.
Advice from those less experienced than they should be, if they are going to be giving advice. Lots of advice sounds good, but consider the source. If someone has only young children, should you expend mental energy on their childrearing advice? homeschooling advice? marriage advice? What happens is that we end up discounting our own experience and trying to implement untested ideas. This is overstimulating and sorting through it all takes up a lot of time.
Lights — LEDs emit blue lights that overstimulate. CFLs actually hum* and their light is terrible. Do your best to replace bulbs in your living area with incandescents. Consider using candlelight or oil lamps (at least for the period after dinner, before bed) until the rest of the country comes to their senses on this topic and allows for free manufacture of incandescents. You're overstimulated and your kids are super overstimulated — could it be the lights?
*I went to do a search to check this bold statement and the first result was “no they don't hum any more because of the electronic ballast” and the second result was “why your CFLs hum” haha…
Oh there is a much longer list of things that overstimulate me, having to do with making sure my tights are comfortable and my clothing in general doesn't ride up, twist, require constant adjustment, or otherwise call my attention; making sure I'm warm in winter; putting mats at the door so I'm not battling extra dirt for no reason…
But you get the idea. Identify what is winding you up and see if you can do something about it — for the sake of your poor family, who are just not sure why you are at your rope's end!
bits & pieces
- A beautiful, biblical reflection on the truth that Woman is the Glory of Man.
- Shetland shawls are more valuable than gold! (And keep you warmer.)
- Yes, I did go down a knitting rabbit hole. This video appreciates the knitting in All Creatures Great and Small, a series that (so far, 2 seasons) I really recommend for its sweetness and sheer fun. I was able to get it from the library!
- My son Joseph sent this article to us, about Frederic Tudor, who brought cocktails and ice cream to the rest of the world. He was relentless! And his granddaughter was Tasha Tudor!
- One of the best essays I've read on It's A Wonderful Life, about Mary. (I think it's no mistake that her name is Mary! She really does intercede for George, “everyman.”)
from the archives
- Candlemas is coming! Be ready with your candle stash for blessing!
- More on dusting
- My first post about New Year's resolutions and reality
liturgical living
St. Raymond of Peñafort (and encouragement for continuing the celebration of Christmas/Epiphany!)
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Carol Kennedy says
“Advice from those less experienced than they should be”—this is why I found you over a dozen years ago and have treasured your wisdom ever since. As a later in life mom, most of the mom’s I was meeting (online and off) were younger than I was with young kids—I needed wisdom, especially about the things that my mother could not offer (like homeschooling, living the liturgical year more fully, etc). Thank you!
Brila says
I’ve not seen the recent All Creatures Great and Small because I loved the original 1978 version – watch that instead! The books are also lovely, warm and untroubling.
Leila says
I never really cottoned to the old version. But of course, I enjoy the books so much! And am convinced that I can do veterinary work on the basis of having read them all several times LOL
Rosemary says
I also really love all the knitted cardigans and vests! There was another bbc program (about a small village in WWII time – just can’t remember the name right now) and all the women wore the most beautiful – but ‘everyday’ sweaters, cardigans, vests, and shawls. Wool with lovely patterns paired with sensible wool skirts.
Suzanne C. says
About the new creatures….I cannot stand it compared to the old one because Mrs. Hall, their largely invisible but valued housekeeper in the old series, has been turned into a super hero. Literally every episode I’ve seen has her as the main character with a girl boss background that is slowly revealed and completely absurd. They also complicated James and Helen’s wedding and courtship in a ridiculous manner, ignoring the original books. The old series has the cool sweaters and less nonsense.
Leila says
I agree that they depart from the original stories, but I do love it. I found it so refreshing to see a man and a woman discuss things (NOT their relationship!) in a normal way. When James expresses frustration at feeling that he’s letting everyone down by any decision he makes, Helen just reacts with sympathy, rather than the usual ridiculous TV nonsense of turning it around to be about her. They are actually talking about life problems — something that just never happens on TV!
I like Mrs. Hall — I think she’s wise, but also has her troubles. Hopefully they will not get her role out of proportion with the others as the show goes on.
At first I totally rejected the whole series, thinking it is nothing more than a tourist board ad for Yorkshire (granted, an effective one! — so beautiful). But then we dipped in somewhere in the middle and went back and watched everything.
I just accept that it’s not the exact stories in the book. But I appreciate SO MUCH that they are showing simple romances — even Tristan’s shenanigans are just that, nothing objectionable at all. I am so tired of watching shows that make you wade through literal porn! It’s super refreshing to see people behaving modestly and decently!
Suzanne C. says
I will agree that what I’ve seen of the series has been very refreshing as to the values. So many fine British mystery shows are being ruined by odd, anachronistic, woke characters being pasted in. And it is pretty!
This was a great post by the way, and I should have expressed appreciation for your helpful and timely reminders before going down the “Creatures” rabbit hole!
Leila says
Thanks! This controversy is just my speed 😉
Ellen says
Aaaggghhh! Agree! I love the music and visuals but the characters are so… hard. Segfried of the old version can just act. The new version has to keep trying to convince you that he’s a man first. The actors are all so self-conscious about their “old fashioned values and gender roles” and it’s all so distracting from the lovely stories.
Susan says
I appreciate this post! I can attest to the challenges posed by “devices on your body alerting you…” My husband was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes when he was 21. He is now fifty and while his insulin pump has been a major help in controlling his blood sugar, newer technology which monitors his glucose levels had ushered in a world of rising and descending tones and vibrations! The children and I exclaim: “Dad, you are beeping!” (I think the poor fellow is losing his hearing; an issue we will need address at some point.) He removes the sensor on weekends to give us a break from it, but when it is on, there have been many nights of disrupted sleep for both of us and I always try to offer it up and consider it another way to sanctify our marriage. Don’t get me wrong, he does have good sugar control overall, but each time a replacement device is sent (these things don’t last forever), the updated technologies have a learning curve. Those first few weeks are always a treat for both of us. We are at the stage where we can laugh about it, but I am just grateful for every day we have together.
Leila says
Oh my! Well, the stimulation represented by this device is certainly worth it– and all the more reason to quiet down everything else!
Emily says
I have a son who was diagnosed with type 1 at age 9. I’m so thankful for the beeping of his CGM especially now that he is away at university and I can’t wake up to check on him at night. He’s doing great and I’m proud of him for how hard he works to manage the beeps and the lows and highs and food challenges. I, too, thought of these “devices on your body alerting you” when I read that line. Thank you Auntie Leila for your wise words on the overstimulation of our modern life. Your words resonate so much and are an important reminder to “seek peace and pursue it.”
Emily says
Oh gosh YES–when I first got my continuous glucose monitor I had to turn off all the alarms except for the most critical! It’s insane! So now I only have it set to go off if I’m in danger of a critical low. I don’t need to know how fast it’s rising or whatever else!
Catherine says
There’s a saying in my family: “clutter is visual noise.” And I just now made the connection between my being easily overstimulated and my very plain choices for home decor and personal wardrobe.
One question: what’s the balance between thrift (keeping things that I may need again someday) and purging anything unnecessary?
Leila says
I think the balance is ongoing. There’s no quick answer. I do think we have to accept that thrifting entails a lot of purging too (for that matter, so does regular shopping, so at least you are saving money!). It’s just not possible to get choices right all the time.
I tend to be pretty strict about getting rid of things that don’t fit or that I just don’t like. But I also like to have extras (not in clothing, but in dishes for instance) and often regret getting rid of things that I later think of a use for!
It’s the human condition haha!
Cirelo says
Love the tips! Some more ideas for people like who can get over-stimulated and having trouble settling down (actually a physical condition called neurological dysregulation). Try slowly washing your hands in warm water and thinking about the sensation as you do; Go on a walk outside (barefoot if you can) or do some marching in place while saying “right left right” to yourself as you do. This helps reorganize your brain; Singing; breathwork; cold shower.
I try to find someway to re-regulate after shopping because I get overstimulaed in stores.
Jo says
This must be why my husband, after getting all the kids and things loaded and buckled in the van, slowly strides over to the driver’s side, taking in a few breathes. He enters the van with a smile, refreshed and ready to go! He enjoys the quiet outside for just a moment while the noise is contained inside!
Donna L. says
Thank you, Auntie Leila for these thoughts–and especially for the *permission* to have silence in the car.
I am shocked and surprised at how many things in our lives make noise of some kind. I used to listen to music in my vehicle when I had the rare times to be driving somewhere solo. Now, I do not turn on anything as I need the blessed peace of my own thoughts for prayer and tranquil rejuvenation. I am so much happier and a more patient wife and Momma when I allow for that.
In our new year, we may be looking at my Darling Husband’s retirement and moving away from our current home–to somewhere more conservative and closer to family. I am eager and excited, with a good measure of concern and overwhelm—-where did all this *stuff* come from in our home???
May God bless you all and I pray that 2023 be our best year yet for everyone–
Rosemary says
Regular quiet time is also a LIFE SAVER when I’m overstimulated … I just have to make sure I’m taking quiet time (not doing something stimulating like listening to a podcast) while my kids are taking it, or else they emerge from their rooms after an hour and I am just as grumpy as before!!
Mrs. T says
Yes, I agree. If I don’t have my own self imposed quiet time, I’m terribly grumpy after “quiet” time.
Em says
Nothing helpful to add other than if you keep an eye on the PBS Masterpiece site, as the season is airing the episodes are free to the public for maybe a week or two (starting the day after they appear on TV)! We’ve been able to watch the first two seasons for free this way, and plan to do so with the third. So if anyone is up to speed with the seasons and wants to remain so with the third (for free), this is a great way!
Carolyn says
Auntie Leila, your advice is invaluable because you DO have the experience. And I find myself reading the comments of your blog posts for further advice! Thank you. 🙂
Leila says
I do have experience with some things! But recently I saw someone on youtube confidently offering advice on whether to plant onion seeds or sets — a whole video about her opinion, when she had only ever planted sets last year and didn’t get that great of a harvest! I mean lady, give it another year or two before you get on there telling people what to do! So exhausting LOL
Leila says
I mean I hope I know not to give advice about things I know little about!
Christine says
Something I find overstimulating: a hole in my sock. No matter what part of the foot it forms on. I can’t stand my toes sticking out of course, but neither can I tune out the feel of cold floor/shoe interior against a patch of bare skin on the heel or ball of my foot. I used to take the trouble of sewing up the holes, but then I just felt the line of stitches with every step instead, and it still drove me crazy. Not worth it! Now, as soon as a sock develops a hole, it’s in the trash where it belongs 🙂
Katy says
My mother made a beautiful wedding ring Shetland shawl when she was pregnant with me: now one of my own most cherished things. Scottish knitwear really is the bees knees!
Leila says
Oh! Amazing! Yes, do cherish it!
Mrs. T says
Agree on the overstimulation. My 12 yr old has a habit of flipping on the radio as soon as we enter the van. I slap his hand away every time. I used to always put on a podcast or story for the children to “fill their minds” instead of just letting them…be. I’ve since learned that car rides have a way of gently encouraging thoughtful conversation. Well, for the most part. As long as we’re not out during nap or lunch time!!
Katherine C. says
I am blown away by the speed at which those Scottish ladies knit! Incredible!
Leila says
It’s gobsmacking.
And it’s not straight knitting, either. It’s a lace pattern! I wish someone had really investigated this — for instance, did they memorize that pattern?
rh says
I’m nearly certain they memorized it, and often were taught person to person. They didn’t have a charting tradition and written shorthand is cumbersome – using any notes on particular stitches would have been for beginners although there were probably recipe style patterns for overall designs for the more elaborate layouts. I’m sure some shawls were improvised on the fly from the individual’s favorite stitches, or from a family or village recipe.
Once you learn how lace stitches alter the flow of the fabric, you can learn to “read” you’re knitting. I rarely need the chart and can often memorize a pattern from visually inspecting an item – and I knit a lot less than they did! (I used to design, which is where I learned to do this – creating my own stitch patterns). But really, I’m not special – if we knit a bit each day starting at 6 it would be as natural to us a driving.
The main body of those shawls look to have patterns with 12-36 stitches and12-24 row patterns, mostly regular geometric shapes. Complexity comes from mixing the various stitch patterns. Although the finest ones are patterned on two sides, so you have to visualize the pattern and stitches from both the right and the wrong side.
For anyone interested I highly recommend Susanna Lewis’s Knitting Lace: A Workshop with Patterns and Projects. She goes through a 19th c. lace sampler and charts and analyzes the stitch pattern to show to the different arrangements of decreases and yarn overs shape the fabric create the pattern. Really fun – kind of like the best cookbooks that teach you how to cook instead of only directions for a particular dish.
Pam says
I love this post! I am so happy to hear someone speak to this as I have found myself to be very overstimulated by noise – appliances especially. Even the fan in the bathroom is hard for me to handle. Our washer and dryer are very loud and are in our kitchen, very close to where we homeschool. Years ago I could hardly manage to homeshool the children while having the laundry running. I’m happy to report though, as they have gotten older, and this coincides with us finding a more traditional Catholicism, THEY (my children) are more peaceful, and as a result, the washer and dryer do not bother as much as they once did. I still find myself nearly unraveled by day’s end if I’ve got the machines going most of the day, which happens in the winter when I cannot hang out the clothes, but if I can go outdoors for a walk by myself, even just for 20 minutes, it helps me immensely. Thanks for pointing this out Leila!!!! I am very grateful for your wisdom and look very forward to the Saturday posts!
Amy says
I appreciate this list and have especially noticed the advice one. In fact, I have found too much advice, even from a variety of good sources can be stifling. All their conflicting voices convening in my head (a thousand different ‘experts’ on baby sleep). My way to deal is to clear out my social media and internet use. Everyone on instagram seems to want you to think their particular focus is extremely important, and while they might be generally right, I don’t always have the mental space. So I unfollow anyone I don’t actually know and anyone I do know who is unhelpful. I can always go look up their posts, but then it’s on my time, when I’m ready for something like that.
greta4u2 says
I found that putting in earplugs while grocery shopping smothers the Van Halen noise pollution, and I can shop in peace….ahhhh.