Congratulations to our two winners of our giveaway of The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life! If you are they, an email will be in your inbox!
You rest, here are two codes for your consolation: for 10% off one set of The Summa Domestica at Sophia Press, use the code Summa10; for 15% off of two sets, use the code Summa15 (but you will not be able to use both — one or the other please!) FYI it is better for the publisher and for me for you to buy it from them directly (or from your local bookstore).
I had intentions of a post here, chock full of photos demonstrating a new slant on my decluttering method, but I got sick with the flu (the regular old flu) just after posting last week's post and have been incapable of doing more than just zoning in and out and having ideas that seem pretty darned smart, but may just be the ravings of someone who has watched too many minimalist shows on YouTube while in this state…
In my book I have a whole section on how to achieve the The Reasonably Clean, Fairly Neat, and Comfortably Tidy House (which I first wrote all about here on the blog — see the menu bar up above to find it or click that link). And I show you how to declutter, giving you my secret to start.
That secret is based on the idea that you must start with the end, or goal, not with the stuff. I think every other method ignores this! Right now, based on it being January AKA The Time of Purging, I think that the idea of minimalism is going around, and the best sellers are telling you to chuck all your things so that you can be your best self, free of all but the most minimal belongings.
But I don't want to have only one plate and spoon per inhabitant in my home; I want abundance! (And I know by now that I will default to abundance no matter what I do!)
The answer isn't to swing the other way to maximalism, or stuff for its own sake. And it's certainly not to ignore the very real stress of having every surface and drawer and cubby crammed with things.
The abundance has to be curated. To do that we need to know what the purpose of everything is, yes, but also we need to see things arranged in that satisfying orderly way and then eliminate, or curate, the rest.
If we begin with the beauty of what we are trying to tidy, or if it seems more appropriate, the prettiness or even usefulness of it, I think we will get further. I think the problems will solve themselves.
So if my dresser is piled with random things because it's a handy horizontal surface in my bedroom, it doesn't matter how many times I take each thing off and put it in its place, throw it away, or donate it. The problem is that I have stopped seeing (or have never seen) my dresser as a pretty or beautiful spot.
Once I take everything off my dresser, I must pause. I must wipe the dresser down and polish its surface. Then I can ask myself how I would like this surface to look — and replace on it only the objects that bring me delight and create a scene that is pleasing to my eyes. Obviously, the dresser things relate to getting dressed and undressed, but it should all be fitting and orderly.
I long ago decided this about my dresser (yes, when my children were very young, so don't think this is a grandma thing), and then I made a rule: nothing would be put down on my dresser that did not belong there. Not a stray sock, not a hairpin, not a tissue, not anything! At the most, something could be there for a matter of minutes while I took care of whatever else I had to do, but then it had to be put in its place.
I had to make this rule because the dresser top is the most instantly cluttered piece of furniture on earth! You could easily have a whole basketful of laundry there, along with medicine bottles, magazines, broken shoelaces, barrettes, and the rest of the detritus of life.
Yet coming into one's bedroom and glancing at a pretty dresser with one's jewelry box, perfume, and assorted little boxes is right up there with a made bed in providing a sense of peace. Tidying it up after the inevitable messiness has occurred is not really a problem when you have established a vision of how you want it to look — you simply remove what doesn't belong. And the things that are not on there really will take care of themselves — or rather, you will figure out how to get them where they have to go, because you won't give them room where they do not go.
Horizontal surfaces in general need to be subjected to this treatment and I've watched too many demonstrations that pay no attention to the importance of aesthetics to remain silent any longer! If you start at your messy dresser as suggested by all the gurus, simply by holding up each thing and deciding what to do with it, you will never get to the real organizing principle, which is your beautiful dresser top. Or whatever surface it is that we are considering.
(I address the issue of countertops in this post. Try my kitchen table method — it really works. Putting stuff on counters creates chaos! Don't put anything on the counter that doesn't belong there!)
As to inside the dresser/hutch/cabinet, where the abundance resides, the curating has to happen as well. But the same idea obtains: take everything out, wipe/vacuum/lay fresh paper, and first put back what you want to be in there. Do it pleasingly (and here, Marie Kondo's idea of rolling rather than stacking works so that you can see things when you open the drawer, though I feel she never quite actually explains that, I feel). As you choose items to return to the receptacle, you will necessarily make determinations about all the items. And thus the process will simply be undergone: throwing away, donating, or re-homing.
Visualizing curating your abundance — starting where you want to end up and then working with what's left — helps you achieve the balance between having what you need and want and not paralyzing yourself with stuff, although of course, stuff being what it is, you will have to revisit it all on a regular basis until you die.
My method gives you permission to have enough things — plates, books, blankets, crafting supplies, pajamas, scarves — for a generous, creative life with lots to choose from and many people coming and going. But not so much so that you become trapped by your belongings and unable to be peaceful as you make your way through your day. Visualize first, then curate your abundance!
bits & pieces
- Men Are at War with God — Mary Eberstadt on the sexual revolution and its victims
- Two interviews with me that I want to be sure I post here: Embracing Domestic Life with Steve and Becky Greene from the Phoenix Diocese and A Letter to the Woman Who Can’t Remember When She Showered Last with Chloe from Letters to Women. These were both super fun to do! I hope you enjoy listening.
- My friend Geoffrey Vaughan wrote about another side of the Covid crisis in the classroom: Suffer the Little Children
- How should children be catechized — what does accompanying them look like? (I would say that this article cries out for a practical answer, which you will find in my book, in the education volume!)
from the archives
- Some people need to engage in some basic grooming, not going to lie. It starts with taking a shower!
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Emily says
I just “redid” my dresser top and I have to say you’re exactly right–it looks so much nicer and makes me happy! I got some lovely Moroccan boxes to replace the jewelry box that I didn’t like (and wasn’t really serving its purpose anyway), and voila! Beauty! On the dresser top! (And functionality!)
Leila says
Sounds just right! Beautiful and useful!
Marta says
I’ve been meaning to ask you to write something on minimalism! A very unrealistic goal for most families, especially very large ones, but so seductive in its almost ethical overtones!
Leila says
I guess terms have to be defined. Certainly we should get rid of excess things. But I think most people want abundance, meaning enough for themselves and for others — they just want their abundance to be orderly! (Or they need to realize that without order, it’s just terrible!)
Carol says
“Tidying it up after the inevitable messiness has occurred is not really a problem when you have established a vision of how you want it to look — you simply remove what doesn’t belong.” THIS! I discovered this truth during the many times we had our old house on the market. We had to clean for showings and I needed the kids help (elementary age at the time) so we developed what each room should look like when it was in “showing order”–this included exactly what appeared on any horizontal surface, where the pillows went, what was stacked under the coffee table etc. This visual of what “done” looked like made it possible for a 10 year old to clean the family room from beginning to end. Of course, we used laundry baskets to contain the things that didn’t go in the room and often those baskets ended up stacked in the garage until the showing was over, but they could also be distributed by said 10 year old to the correct rooms. I think having the vision of what a pretty counter, table etc. looks like (whether minimal or not) is the key!
Leila says
Ah, you get it, Carol! It took me so long… Wish I had gotten it a lot sooner!
Kate says
Your method is the one I’ve always employed, but I think it only is effective with women who are visual in a certain way. I do like my pretty things, but I don’t like to have them all out. I hate open shelving. I would love to have bookcases with doors or curtains. There’s a big gap between wanting a horizontal surface to look a certain way and knowing how to get there. I think my method is pretty simple, but I’ve know women who can’t wrap their minds around it. They can’t see what I see. “Curated abundance” only works for women who know how to curate. That’s why museums hire special curators.
If you explain it as a matter of inventory, I think it is more helpful. A person can only humanly manage so much stuff mentally or physically. How much time do I want to devote to moving stuff from here to there? Do I realistically have the time? Setting boundaries is very helpful. If I collect pretty plates and have only one china cabinet to display them, then I need to limit my collecting to what will fit in the cabinet. If I have a small house and a large family, I either have to pare down the stuff (limit what I allow in the house) or get rid of some kids to manage it all. Women often think there must be some magical organizing method that if finally discovered will take care of all their housekeeping woes. It doesn’t exist. Our modern problem is one our our foremothers did not have – too much stuff. It’s far better to pare down the abundance to what can be realistically managed at whatever phase in life you are in. Not to your fantasy life, but your true life. People sneer at minimalism, but in some way its a very Catholic approach, in that it can help free us from attachment to stuff.
Leila says
Maybe, but hang in there with me. I’m not saying that other approaches won’t work or aren’t compatible. Taking stock of inventory and *seeing it all* as inventory is indispensable. Asking whether something sparks joy is helpful. Wondering if I’ll ever use something again when I haven’t used it in a year is a useful tool. (It’s also okay to realize that I may use it again and it may be worth it to me to store it.)
But you can’t start with the *process* — you must start with how you want things to BE. Like it or not, the people who live with the things are their curators. If someone doesn’t like all her pretty dishes on display, then the first step is to clear off the sideboard and make it look the way she does want it to look. If they go inside a hutch, then the first step is to get everything out of the hutch and put back only what belongs. The order can be any kind of order, in that case, not just visual, but the task is accomplished by starting with its end or goal.
Horizontal surfaces are the biggest traps for clutter. Starting with how the horizontal surface needs to BE — completely empty, holding only three things, or bestrewn with many objects — is a decision that needs to be made before all the other questions can be asked. In fact, once the things are off of it, that’s when it all appears as what it is — inventory! Even that shelf with the curtain has a top, and if the top is littered with a teetering pile of things, we may not have quite tackled the real problem.
“Decluttering in place” is not decluttering, it’s just tidying. It won’t solve any problems and it will often make the person feel he has just spun his wheels. Where I live, there are many old barns just crammed with things that are centuries old! I don’t think that hanging on to stuff is a modern issue!
I am not prepared to argue whether minimalism per se is Catholic or not. I’m not sneering at the desire to have only what one wants or needs (but then, not sure that is minimalism, which seems to be about having even less than that), but I think that there are significant pitfalls to clearing away too many things, because we end up making up for them in work/energy expended, as I learned when I realized that if I increased the number of dishes and utensils I had, I could stop doing dishes all day.
Of course, all these terms have to be defined. Many aspects of Catholic life require abundance. All aspects of life require *detachment* — the willingness to leave it all when leaving it is required of us. It’s much easier to detach if we have practice doing so in our daily life, and anyway it’s necessary, or we’d never tidy anything up!
Sara says
Auntie Leila, do you have any suggestions for dealing with kitchen counter clutter in a galley kitchen with no kitchen table? I do keep it confined to one part of the counter, but I can go a long time without being forced to deal with it!
Leila says
I would keep moving it out to the table even so. At least once a day, if you are not ready to put things where they belong/can’t find the culprit, move it to the table and then hold their food hostage until they clear it off!
Lisa says
Leila- I received your books today,and they are just beautiful. The writing, the illustrations, the recipes. I have been reading you for years and years, and I’m so thankful to have these books to pass to my daughters some day. A million thank you’s.
Leila says
Thank you, Lisa! Thank you for reading along all this time!
Carolyn says
As a young mom with number four on the way, I am definitely becoming more and more minimalist. It’s what works best for our family right now. There are way more mess-makers than mess picker-uppers, proportionally (though I do try to instill good habits in the little ones; it’s just that they don’t notice the mess until I tell them). Lower inventory makes everyone feel happier.
I look forward to the day when things are a bit calmer, good habits have been well-established in my then-older children, and we have room (and energy!) for more abundance. Until then, I will admire the beautiful photos of your lovely house, Auntie Leila!
Leila says
Oh yes, dear Carolyn — if you look at my Reasonably Clean House posts (and the laundry ones too) you will see that I favor paring down — especially of clothes! (See “Laundry problems start with too many clothes!”).
The first step is to see how things need to be, putting back what fits (inside things) and looks good (outside/on top), making rules about the latter especially, as horizontal surfaces tend to get out of control. And the rest will follow. (You will note that in my “lovely house” (thank you!) all the pretty things are high up!)
Katie says
Carolyn, this is exactly where I am now too. A house full of small people with ever growing needs. Less inventory = sanity. (Although looking back I have always had a minimalist heart too so it’s actually a fun game for me to see how far we can go and how simple i can make things.)
Christine says
Would you be willing to do a post on refrigerator and freezer clutter? For many years, I was queen of my kitchen and primary grocery shopper. Right now, we have young adult children living with us (one is our child, the other is not) who contribute to the household by purchasing some of the groceries. Items become randomly stuffed into the fridge and freezer. They are on their own work/school schedules which don’t always correspond with the rest of the family’s meal schedule, hence the disorganized fridge/freezer.
Thank you! Your wisdom is always a welcome breath of common sense fresh air.
Leila says
This is one of those problems that can only be solved by the people involved. Sharpies… someone to oversee grocery lists… agreement on rotation of perishables… it’s a work in progress! Free and frank discussions can help!
Robin says
May I chime in? I lived in a house with 3 other young women in my early twenties, and we all had clear plastic storage bins that fit in the (small!) fridge and freezer. It put a limit on what we could keep and clearly designated our items, particularly with duplicates (e.g. two blocks of cheddar in various stages of being consumed). In retrospect, I also had very little food spoilage since I took my whole bin out of the refrigerator to prepare most meals!
Leila says
Perfect, Christine!
Donna L. says
**”although of course, stuff being what it is, you will have to revisit it all on a regular basis until you die.”**
Oh, Auntie Leila! I laughed SO hard at this–and feel a both sense of obligation and dread that this is the case~
On a lighter note, I received your books in the post! I am so excited! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting it together and all of the hours and wisdom therein. I have been blessed beyond words by your blog for these past years and now, your books will continue that blessing.
Leila says
Thank you, Donna!!
Anamaria says
Thank you! This is great! One thing I’ve never gotten about “minimalism” is that it means you have to have the money to buy things when you need them. I had the opportunity for a hand me down double stroller when my oldest was 15 months or so- and boy was I glad I had it a year later, when my second grew enough to fit! Every time I buy clothes for my oldest girl, I’m reminded of why I store clothes between kids in the basement- it adds up quick! I do so with an open hand, lending freely and assuming everything won’t be returned, but I can’t imagine only owning what currently fits each kid (or me!).
My books came in last night, which sent my husband perusing through them 😊 he is not a blog reader, so he was glad to see them so well edited and in book form.
Leila says
Yes, what you describe is an important part of the household manager’s task. It’s how we live on one income! And it’s always a challenge — to be prudent and also to trust so that we are not overcome by the sheer volume of all the things we *may* need… but may not.
Cirelo says
We moved into a tiny (very tiny)space with our family of 10 near the city for a job opportunity. I had to get rid of everything that wasn’t currently in use just to fit us in the space. While it hasn’t been easy I have found that God’s providence still comes through for us but in new ways. I’ve found that on facebook buynothing there are rotating bins of clothes always in motion that always have what I need for a particular age and that I can always ask if there is an odd need and am rarely disappointed. Honestly, I’d rather be doing things the way you describe as there is a lot of security in it but since I can’t it’s nice to know I can manage without buying a new wardrobe every season!
Leila says
Lately I’ve been thinking that there is enough stuff in the world — and that FB marketplace and so on have made it a lot easier to get it where it needs to go!
Diana says
Dear Auntie Leila,
I love this post! Thank you so much for the dresser idea! I put it into place immediately upon reading. My dresser seems to be an automatic dumping ground for just about everything. Even though I have a rule that I must take one thing from the dresser to put away every time I leave my bedroom, it doesn’t stop the mess from being nearly eye-level in height. I’m excited about the new rule.
I can’t wait to have your books as well!
I agree about curated abundance. I have been a minimalism fan for years, but in the past few years I have realized that there is (or can be) a dark side to minimalism as well. For example, I remember reading of a couple who lived in a tiny house (the actual “tiny house” thing, not just a small house). No children, by choice. Virtually no possessions, by choice. At first I found it inspiring, but then I found it sad. Where are the children, the grandchildren, the big holiday celebrations, the deep sense of family culture and community that come from years of faithfully investing in the family and the home? All rejected in pursuit of minimalism. Also, I remember someone in the minimalism community – perhaps Marie Kondo – boasting about having no more than ten books in her house. I cannot imagine a worse poverty than that. All that to say – minimalism is a good servant, but a bad master.
Thank you so much for everything. This morning we finished off this year’s “Christ the King” cake (from your recipe), which I make for Epiphany as our King Cake. I have our Christmas pudding (also from your recipe) in the fridge waiting for Candlemas (we end our Christmas season with the pud – it’s a nice, fiery way to celebrate the end of the holidays). I have so many of your articles in my notebooks, and so many of your words echoing in my head. I so appreciate all of the work you have done.
Happy Epiphany!
Diana
P.S. I also just finished listening to your interview on the Catholic Conversation. Excellent, thank you! I had no idea that I had so much in common with you – that is, raised in a barely religious and/or secular home with the focus being exclusively on high-level academics and career, with home and family being ignored (both by the family and by the culture at large). Loved the interview – thanks!
Leila says
Thanks, Diana!
I guess it’s the human condition for any good idea to have the potential to become an idol. One thing to beware of is wanting to eliminate material things and to deny the material aspect of our nature, which is gnosticism. While we ought to have control over the physical world, we cannot do away with it.
In any case, decluttering, I think, starts with the “end” — how we want the thing/place to look/function!
Katie says
To each their own when it comes to what’s considered beautiful in a home, but I have to say: some of us consider a minimal/empty look to be beautiful also! Visually, it’s cleaner and less cluttered, and it’s also how some of us cope with housekeeping in general. (And when something is helping you manage a tough job well – aka housekeeping – it has even deeper beauty!) Whatever one’s home making style is, go for it, but I have found so much peace in empty = pretty.
Katie says
Ps – just listened to a chunk of your guest spot on the LTW podcast. Love it!! I think all your showering/take control of your life advice is gold!
Leila says
Thank you so much!!
Eileen says
Wow, this was so helpful. I am a visual minimalist–cluttered spaces make me really stressed in my own space (for some reason I love other people’s homes when they have open shelving etc, but in my own space it makes me hyperventilate). But I also love beautiful old things, and try as I might, no amount of decluttering has gotten me to the aesthetic I truly want in my home. Minimalism on some level is an absolute necessity for us because we have three babies and no extra time to spend on stuff rather than people or dinner. But I think this is the ticket for me to getting the aesthetic I truly love, rather than dealing with a pile of things that can’t seem to make the donate or keep category because I can’t figure out how to make it fit the home but I LIKE it.