The goldenrod is in bloom and I just found out that not only is it good for just everything, but it's specifically good for urinary tract infections, so make a note in your book in the chapter about UTIs!
Fortunately, goldenrod is a lovely wildflower found just about everywhere, and if you simply make sure you can tell it apart from ragweed, you can harvest your own and preserve it for the coming year.
As I said here, it's probably good for us to have some home remedies that don't cost a fortune (because of course you can order it, but supplements get pricey)*.
I went to the liquor outlet (over the border in New Hampshire; find the cheapest place for you or order online) and got Everclear (high-proof vodka — you need at least 65 proof; Everclear is 151) for the purpose of making tinctures, which is the best way to preserve herbs long term. I store this bottle on a high shelf in the pantry so that no one uses it in a drink by mistake! Not that there are roving bands grabbing shots over here, but I just want to have it secured. I keep the tinctures with the other medicinal herbs.
Use the flowers for the tincture and cover with the alcohol.
You can also dehydrate the leaves and flowers to make a tea, which is what I will do with today's harvest. I already got started with the leaves from the stems I stripped the flowers from for the tincture.
I'm always torn between talking about these little doings happening here and the more abstract “Auntie Leila” questions that I get all the time, so I thought I'd do some rapid responses, indulging myself in both! Hope you don't mind!
So on to a few topics I've had a bunch of emails about recently:
Two- or three-year-old boy who seems impervious and even defiant to reprimand and punishment:
Don't worry! Yes, it's true, and I know this thought is lurking in the back of your mind: sociopaths suffer from having had their development arrested at age 3.
But your toddler is not going to endure this fate, because the behavior is normal for him! And you love him.
The key: wait out this stage by helping him find his place in the hierarchy, the good order of the family. Affirm his newly awakening feelings of power (“you're a big boy for sure!”) but know that he is actually afraid of being the alpha, so a calm assertion of your position is appropriate, while you also ignore most of what he says and does, moving him to where you need him to be, delivering swift retribution (not threats) when necessary, and prioritizing naps, high-calorie foods early in the day (not worrying too much about what he eats at supper for now), and early bedtimes. Give him extra hugs (even when he's being the most frustrating) because it's not easy being two. A long walk in the stroller followed by free running at the playground could be a good routine for a while.
This will pass and he will be a good sweet boy before you know it. Still a barbarian, but not bound for the penitentiary.
I'm pregnant/so busy/getting older and there are so many little kids running around and I'm just tired.
Do less. Really. Look at your schedule and be ruthless. Your children do not need to go everywhere and do everything. The reason God gave you all these kids is so that they can play with each other, which they will do if you stop intervening, even by reading to them or putting on an audio book.
Lie on the sofa with your book and let them run wild for a while. Also tell them about the things that you would love to do but are just too tired to handle and see what they say. “Kids, I'm so tired but I wish these things were done — I wish I had a magical visitation from the wee brownies to help me.”
You might be surprised at how they decide to clean up the kitchen, not perfectly of course, but then, you didn't have the energy to do it at all. Imperfect is better than nothing! I personally don't do it perfectly when I'm at my best, so…
My kids used to give me what they called “First Class Comfort” — pillowing my head, putting my feet up, and maybe doing a little tidying. It was super nice!
When you have a baby and teens, make sure you are making lists for for those older children to check off. They can do way more, and it's not good for them to be in “taking” and not “giving” mode. They need to be useful members of society, not moochers, and contribution to the greater good starts at home.
By the way, this is why I am totally opposed to requirements for the sacrament of Confirmation that have the child logging in hours spent in “outside” service. Mom driving you somewhere to do something imposed on you has no merit and only makes her life harder, yet she already has that sacrament! (Not that things being hard is any indication of virtue!) Charity for a child means helping out in the family or offering a person in the neighborhood a hand. If you need me to come down and tell you pastor all this, I'm on my way.
My 10-year-old girl thinks I'm against her, ruining her life, and mean for not letting her wear clothing that can only be described as trashy.
You're not going to like this answer because it requires a real purgation in your life — and in hers — but it is not normal for a 10-yo to act this way. I know that popular culture insists that even young children will display rebelliousness arcing into a sort of acid hatred, and that this is normal, but they are wrong and serving their own ends.
It's true that a 10-yo girl may begin to experience hormonal changes that are the early distant warnings of puberty, and that these hormones tend to make her a bit emotional. But you know, my purpose here is to preserve the collective memory; before the current time, and where girls are sheltered (fighting word I know!), they simply do not display this behavior as described — certainly not anything remotely like the bitter opposition parents experience now. I have raised four girls and I am here to tell you this.
The cause is in those outside influences which we as adults protect ourselves from. Someone is exposing her to this attitude. And that someone has a device connected to social media. Your job is to detach her from that. She needs, desperately, a chance to develop fittingly, and to have a trusting relationship with her mother and father.
It's not enough to “opt out” of certain influences. The truth is that you also have to opt out of those who have been inundated by those influences. If her little circle of friends are all going home to watch Disney Channel (“Little Demon” anyone?) and have older sisters immersed in TikTok, you're fighting a battle that you will not win.
Ten-year-old girls who are not connected somehow to the onslaught out there still enjoy pretty dresses and play with dolls, while also running around outside, climbing trees, and getting interested in taking part in the interests of family members (repairing things, making things, cooking things, creating things, singing, dancing, playing instruments, enjoying tennis, swimming… )
Please don't let anyone tell you that it's normal for a girl to turn against her mother. Please protect her from all that. (See my further comment in bits & pieces though… )
I discuss all these topics and way more and in greater depth in my book set, The Summa Domestica — and give you the help you need to establish order and wonder in your home!
*I have heard rumbles that supplements are going to be restricted. In any case, it's better and way cheaper to collect herbs yourself where possible. Grow them in the garden or collect them from toxin-free areas. By the highway isn't a good place. Not only is the exhaust from the cars settling on the plants there, but fluids and salts run off into the ground where they grow. Use your common sense!
bits & pieces
- We got a propane smoker off of FB Marketplace, so I've been researching. Do you actually preserve foods with your smoker? I'm of course looking forward to just smoking all the things and eating them ASAP!
- We've been talking here a lot about husbands and marital communication. I thought that it's well to contemplate what John Cuddeback says here, briefly, about being willing to receive reproof. Auntie Sue says that if you listen, you'll hear your husband say what it is that bothers him… but you have to be willing to listen. (I suppose this goes for children as well! Even though I said, above, that your daughter shouldn't be saying how mean you are, and I do think that the outrage behind the behavior is learned, there could be a grain of truth about how you are not willing to let her be herself rather than just a reflection of you.)
liturgical living
from the archives
- Five Quick Answers from Auntie Therese
- Criteria for choosing books and movies for all the stages of your children's development
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My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!
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Annie says
Thanks for the 2-3yo boy wisdom! I have a 2.5 year old boy (who has a twin sister for easy behavior comparison, which is not always in his favor). It is so fascinating learning how they need to be treated differently sometimes.
Meredith says
One of our first changes to our parish confirmation program was to remove that service requirement. This year we are going to focus on seeing the needs of others, challenging them to be of service each Sunday, whether it’s showing a visitor the right entrance, stacking chairs at the end of class, or yes, helping mother at the end of a long morning!
Emily says
I *hate* that service requirement and I’m glad more places are removing this. As someone who had a lot of health issues, this would’ve been really hard for me to do, and it’s punishment for the parents, as Leila mentioned! OR it assumes that kids have access to a car and they have their driver’s license and they can just drive anywhere and everywhere!
Leila says
It’s awful!
Kids need to be taught over and over again that they have a real duty to help their parents and their close neighbors. And it’s not a matter of checking boxes either — it is a matter of conscience. It’s in this way that they will learn true charity. Pastors have abdicated all responsibility when they let these programs take over.
Karen says
Our large family is stuck in this Confirmation service requirement situation this year (for the 2nd time/child). Here’s the exact quote from our PSR Parent Handout: “Performing chores around the house and helping members of your family is part of being a family and will not count towards Middle School Discipleship Opportunities” (In bold print, no less, and very condescending). Our pastor is wonderful, but overwhelmed, as we are the largest parish in the diocese and just lost our only parochial vicar! I’m not sure how much involvement he has with our PSR program. It is a mammoth department that pays lip service to parents as primary teachers of their children, but in reality forces the kids and parents into questionable faith formation activities. Do these programs exist to justify the theology degrees of their managers? I’ve had dreams of pulling all of my kids out of the program even if it means they won’t receive the sacraments until they are adults. I’m even saying this as a volunteer teacher. Sigh…
Emily says
I love your thoughts on raising girls. When I was pregnant with my first, I was convinced I was having a girl. We weren’t finding out ahead of the birth, so naturally this sparked a lot of conversations with people about gut feelings or hopes. Well, much to my surprise (and dismay), whenever I revealed my hopes for a girl that pregnancy, I was immediately told how crazy I was. But only if talking to a woman!! “Girls are so much harder,” they would scold me. “You want a boy so much easier.” I was told how much attitude they’ll have as teenagers and, of course, the horrid worry of them getting pregnant in high school…
I not only felt insulted for myself being a woman and having people think this way about girls, but it always came from another woman. Never a man. In time I came to accept it was probably just their own self reflections or family issues coming out. Of course that baby turned out to be a lovely son, but I have been so excited to welcome a daughter since and secretly hope to prove to everyone that we don’t have to view our daughters as enemies or time bombs of hatred.
Annie says
The weirdest one I’ve heard is “girls are so much more expensive.” What?? People say the strangest things and it must reveal the ways our society has warped our view of children and family…
Ellen says
Is a tincture the kind of thing you take as a few drops under the tongue?
Leila says
Tinctures can be taken different ways — sometimes under the tongue. I am still learning so maybe someone more knowledgeable can chime in, but I think it goes by what the tincture is, so you’d look it up to find out.
Ellen says
Interesting. I had a homebirth last year and the midwife used a few tinctures under the tongue for different things, including stopping bleeding and it was amazing to see it work so well. The whole experience was wonderful.
Anamaria says
Yes, I’m familiar with tinctures from my midwife! She has recommended skullcap (alongside magnesium and chamomile tea) when I had trouble sleeping and black haw bark for Braxton hicks.
Jessica says
Regarding the 10 year old girl problem, have you heard of the book “Hold On to Your Kids” by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Matè? They take a deep dive into exactly what you wrote about keeping kids close to mom and dad and removing the “peer orientation and peer attachments,” where kids are raising each other. Highly recommend reading it!
Dixie says
I love this book and highly recommend it.
Leila says
I haven’t read that book, but I have come to see that kids will need a peer group. It’s up to the adults to form the peer group itself! That’s why I have the idea of the St. Gregory Pockets — you can see the articles about it in the menu bar, above.
Young moms think about having book clubs, and those are great, but really those are the years that you want to be forming friendships with like-minded *families* and having conversations about standards. I have lots about this here on the blog and also in The Summa Domestica.
The issue is not so much the peer group (which will form), but as you say, the adults abdicating and letting the kids raise each other.
A large part of this is that the adults have no continuity because they themselves have lost touch with the generation older than they!
We need to keep the collective memory alive!
Dixie says
Yes, everything you say here is very much in line with the research and argument of the Neufeld book. It is in favor of peer interaction but from an anchor point of attachment to parent/family. It’s when children change that anchor (I’ve forgotten the actual term the book uses) over to a peer that the problems occur — when children fundamentally orient themselves based on peers rather than parents. I love what you say about families in your comment; family friends create a wider context that allow kids to form peer groups without being blown about willy-nilly by a negative culture.
Jann Elaine says
I grew up in an age where cell phones were not yet for texting and myspace was only murmured about- to most of the people here that’s probable “recently” but it was definitely a generation ago.
However: I also screamed at my mother for controlling my clothes and “ruining my life.”
Blaming the internet and social media is way off-base as it didn’t (properly) exist in my time. Older people tend to be afraid of the internet and claim it is the fault of everything. Sorry- it’s not. Check the culture first.
The peer group attachment is spot on. Girls in our culture are socialized ENTIRELY by their girlfriends/friend group. We are continually PUSHED with them 24/7/365: school, clubs, socializing, sports, etc etc etc.
1000% agree that girls who treat their parents/mothers badly need a step back from their “friends”- the internet perhaps, as it reflects the culture, but i doubt it is the main problem. Get them away from the herd/bestie. It gets super toxic.
Amy says
Does anyone here have a good book recommendation for learning about growing, preparing, and using medicinal herbs?
Anamaria says
The book my knowledgeable midwife recommends for using medicinal herbs is this https://www.abebooks.com/Naturally-Healthy-Babies-Children-Commonsense-Guide/31280443464/bd?cm_mmc=ggl-_-US_Shopp_Trade0to10-_-product_id=COM9781587611926USED-_-keyword=&gclid=Cj0KCQjw94WZBhDtARIsAKxWG-_abWcfCEsCAjnjAj837Yerw22Yz3NA5dTVH2kX9sDaf_cp5QROxfAaAgFcEALw_wcB
Amy says
Thank you!
Laura Jeanne says
Amy, I recently read a book called Heal Local, by Dawn Combs, which might be what you’re looking for. She goes over how to create a medicinal herb garden, harvest the herbs, and make medicine from them.
Amy says
Thank you!
Lisa G. says
I’ve just picked up Rick Brookhiser’s book about James Madison. In chapter 1, he is speaking of his subject’s early life and siblings (11), and he was teaching them after he left college. Brookhiser says, “We do not know if he made the connection, but herding small children is good training for certain aspects of legislative work.” 😀
Jennifer says
Thank you, thank you for your wisdom about girls’ attitudes towards their parents. As a mom of teen daughters (and son), I completely agree with your assessment regarding the negative influences of current culture. It does not have to be that way! Like your family, our daughters “simply do not display this behavior”. Thank you for your common sense and plain speaking.
Jill says
Do you know the poem September by Helen Hunt Jackson? The goldenrod is turning yellow, the corn is turning brown, the trees in the apple orchard with fruit are bending down…..My grandpa used to recite that to me every fall!
Marina says
Thank you for the timely advice about little boys! I have a fresh three year old exhibiting all sorts of these behaviors. Next I need advice on how to get the three older brothers to ignore his obnoxiousness too.
Leila says
The older brothers can whisk him off and wear him out! That’s their contribution to civilization!
And it’s good to get them to see that they play a part in raising this little rascal. It will help them for you and/or your husband to have a quiet talk with them about not giving into laughter or other behavior that makes things harder for him, but encouraging him to become a big boy like them.
Marina says
I have had a talk with the older brothers about our “secret strategy”, and it seems to be helping. Hooray!
sibyl says
One thing we used to tell the older kids about the obnoxious three-year-old was that it is the job of the three-year-old to mess things up, and for them to bear with him as he figures out how to play more nicely. It means being a pretty hands-on mom, though, so that he can be redirected when he starts throwing things or destroying projects. The older kids come to see that it is a stage, that they have to grow in patience. And I agree, they get to help Mom show him how to be a big boy.
Ashley says
Auntie Leila! You’ve helped me identify the goldenrod in my yard! The previous owner had a flower/pollinator garden which we’ve mostly left in place but there have been a few flowers that we’ve never identified. Right now we have lots of pollinators buzzing about the “tall, yellow flowers,” which seems to be goldenrod! Yay! I’ll have to do a little more research before I feel confident using it medicinally but this is a start. Thank you for sharing!
Leila says
Great!
The bees LOVE goldenrod and do not go near ragweed, so that’s a good sign!
Mary Keane says
Oh my goodness, I needed to say a St. Michael prayer after even clicking that link on the “little demon” tv show. There’s no rationalizing away, this is barefaced evil. I have seen more and more of this sort of thing. On a roadtrip this summer I saw actual voodoo dolls marketed to children!
The first of our neighborhood little circle of playmates now has smartphone. Our family was praying the Rosary on our porch, and the other kids were across the way making dance videos for TikTok. It’s so so sad but I just feel that this is the end of an age of innocence for these particular children, and now there has to be a stronger divide between our families to protect our own kids. Pray for our little knot of neighbors, please.
I do have a ten year old girl like you describe. She loves to sew, knit, bake, draw, paint, read, climb trees, run, and write stories. She’s making herself a dress right now in her free time. Her dream is to be a park ranger and have a guinea pig farm when she grows up, and then get married and have lots of babies on her guinea pig farm to play with the guinea pigs!
Leila says
Oh, how darling your daughter is!
Laura Jeanne says
Yes, goldenrod is good for problems with the bladder, and also with the kidneys. I have also used the dried herb as a tea with sage and honey to help with sore throats. It’s best to use the flowers to make a tincture, and the leaves to make tea. I’m not sure about the dose though as I’ve never made a goldenrod tincture before. It probably depends on how strong the tincture is to begin with.
I might as well mention, that corn silk is also good to make tea from, for bladder irritation. It won’t heal an infection but it’s soothing, and if you have recurrent bladder irritation, it might be something to try.
Leila says
I have read about corn silk too. I hadn’t found that it helped a UTI, but perhaps in conjunction with the other things (D-Mannose and marshmallow root in particular), it would help, and it seems to be good for maintaining health.
Here is a study about goldenrod: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15638071/
Laura Jeanne says
I hadn’t seen that study, thank you. Yes, to be clear, corn silk is not something you would use on your own, but together with something else, to help with the irritation.
Rachel says
Happy to read this post about the toddler boy AND the little 10-yo girl of which I have both. On a family drive the other day we passed one of those awful signs that said “Where are you going? Heaven (bright white clouds and blue skies) or HELL (lots of red flames)?” We all chuckled together at the sign and the whole family in the car shouted “Heaven!!!!!” Then a pause. Our 3.5 year old son says “Well I’m going to hell!” Not in a “I think terrible things about myself” but in a really obstinate, oppositional way… thoroughly enjoying the shock value of that statement. I wanted to cry, but we decided to laugh because that just describes the place we are in with him.
And alas, one time I stubbed my toe very badly and said “damn” — but now he says it ALL the time. I have taken to very swift discipline over this matter (After apologizing for my own misstep and readily admitting my own mistake and re-setting the proper standard.) But he loves to say it and loves the reaction it gets from us… especially his siblings who gasp in horror each and every time he does it. Is this one of those where we should ignore? I really want to be able to move past this…..
Leila says
Ohhh deeaarrr!! LOL
My mother used to say “Bless it!” when I was a little kid, because she didn’t want to say “Blast it!” (considered, if you can believe it, a mild swear back in the day!).
So I thought that “bless” was a… wait for it… swear!! (Remember, I was not raised as a Christian!)
That’s a clever little boy you have there… he really knows how to get a rise out of everyone! So… just don’t let him get a rise out of you that way. Enlist the other children to help him, and make a point of laughing at his real jokes and paying attention to the things he’s trying to say. And when he says it, *only you* (or his dad) can say, very calmly, “We don’t say that.” Then move on. If he says, “But YOU said it!!” Just say, “yes, I did, and that was naughty.”
This will, indeed, pass.