The other day I shared on Instagram a little reel from Rabbi Manis Friedman with a little tip: Don't ever call your spouse from another room — don't summon each other, don't shout from across the house. “It's not dignified,” he says!
It called to mind a memory. Long ago, when we were married but hadn't had children yet, or our baby was very little, I stopped by the home of friends — maybe I was dropping something off? I can't remember, but it was a “dropping in” sort of thing and they were in the midst of a busy morning. The house was small but they were just hollering to each other even as they talked to me! One would leave the room and the other would start shouting to him or her, as the case may be, for really no reason at all!
At that moment, it occurred to me that this isn't a good idea. All that hollering wasn't going to be okay with me.
Let's have a little chat about this and about how we can be realistic about the work and effort it takes to train ourselves to have good habits.
There's a trendy idea out there about “manifesting” the perfect life you want to have, as if envisioning it will bring it about. Comment “MANIFEST” and your dreams will come true!
Sure, we need a vision. We need role models and images of what can be so we have something to draw us to the good. Without the picture we don't even know what we are missing. But getting from here to there? It's not about hypnotizing ourselves! Believe me, if we try it, all that happens is we get bitter about all the others who are standing in our path, obstructing our perfect happiness!
The realism comes in when we accept the work involved to master the habits needed to attain our goal. That part is not about a weird trick in our brain, it's about lining up our will with what has to happen and having fortitude in attacking our disposition to do otherwise.
Lots of people get disillusioned with family life because it can be mayhem. Women in particular feel very disappointed when they desire to devote themselves to their family, but real life feels loud! Grating! Not quiet! Excessively disruptive!
They then turn to things that they can control and downplay the importance of motherhood. This is the root of a lot of what drives feminism, at an elemental level, if we are honest about it. Even starting a business or going back to school can seem easier than facing the noise and disorder of home. Yet the disorder is a result of husband and wife not taking steps to train themselves and the children in better ways.
But good news, there are practical tips to making things more peaceful! You can get the good habits needed to have an environment you actually want to be in!
Rabbi Friedman is right. It's important to avoid shouting and hollering at your spouse from another room. I think I went home and talked to the Chief about my experience, though he doesn't remember it. I'm pretty sure I said I thought we should try not to yell, but if something is important, to go into the room where the other is and say what we need to say. I know he agreed because that's what we do, for the most part.
When I posted the reel, I got several responses about “I yelled because the baby was coming — ‘Come catch the baby'”!! This is a reasonable exception! I myself made allowances in my post for a spider in the shower…
It means a lot when your spouse comes into the room to ask you something. It elevates the tone of your interactions. Even if you have to communicate from room to room, leading with “My Dear?” “Darling?” “Hon, where are you?” softens the blow.
Once you agree on this rule for each other (with the normal caveats! obviously! and by the way, this will be different for different families and sizes of houses, and that's fine), it becomes crystal clear how things should go with the children.
Here are the rules we made and explained (over and over again, because that's how it goes! be willing to put in the work!)
It's naughty to yell for Mama or Papa. Get up and come find me. (What will happen when they are following this rule is that they will yell to find out where you are and you will holler back “KITCHEN” or wherever you happen to be. I never said there will be zero yelling and hollering!)
If there is a true emergency, then please do yell for me.
If I get there and it is NOT an emergency, you will have to stop your activity to do an extra chore for me (or worse, depending on the stubbornness of the subject). (NB: Make a list of extra chores like wipe down/vacuum a set of stairs, tidy up the shoes in the mudroom, sweep the porch, windex the sliding door, and so on. If they are yelling during a chore for no good reason, then they should finish that chore and then do another one.)
If you don't make and enforce these rules, you will end up in ridiculous situations like one that happened to me when we lived in a raised ranch house (the main part upstairs, TV and game room downstairs). I thought I definitely heard, “MAMA!!!” “WHAT?” I responded… and then waited. “WHAT?” I responded again. Nothing. It seemed so quiet, so I was worried that maybe there was trouble, but I also was elbow-deep in something. “WHAT!” I yelled again. “WHAT” finally came back. “WHAT?” I yelled. “WHAT WHY ARE YOU CALLING US? WHAT DO YOU WANT?”
Aye yi yi. Time to go back to my rules!
Which leads me to another point: If they really do yell for you for no reason, just ignore them. It's fine.
Mama and Papa can holler for kids. This is definitely a hierarchy matter (which is why it's not appropriate for spouses to yell for each other). If you have to go find a child to tell him what to do, you will be worn out before second breakfast. But, and this is important, when that child hears his name, he should know to come to you.
The bad habit is allowing the expectation that you are going to shout all the instructions from wherever you are! Not feasible, yet sadly often done.
“When you hear me call you, come immediately! If you are in the bathroom, you can shout that. But otherwise, come instantly. If I have to come get you after I call you, there will be trouble.”
Now, sometimes a child is absorbed in play or work or reading. So think before you summon him. That too should be respected (if it's being done at a more or less appropriate time). I think parents often make the mistake of demanding prompt obedience to some whim they have, without taking into consideration the state of mind of the child.
And sometimes the child is trying to carry out one task when another is demanded of him!
But I promise you, if you display respect for that aspect, the fact that he too is a person (even if 2 or 3) and may be busy with something important to him, he will learn to obey promptly when you call. That's family life at its best: wanting to do the will of the others in love and respect, with the proper deference to the order of authority. Remember, that order works both ways; it's not about power but about the good of all.
Wait until you have a child old enough to be sent on the mission of taking a message — so great. “Little Jonny, please go say to Papa, ‘Mama sends her compliments and would like to know if he would be ready for supper a few minutes early' — can you do that for me?” And eagerly he runs off!
Less shouting is going to help a lot with making home a place of happiness. Try it!
Baking Corner
I made my mother-in-law's Rhubarb Coffee Cake and thought you might like the recipe! It's super moist and has a great contrast between and amongst the sweet cake, tart rhubarb, and crispy topping.
It can be mixed up very quickly and is ready to go. You could substitute fruit and it would be delightful because the cake part is just so good, but there's something about the sourness of the rhubarb that gets me every time! I'm sorry I don't have a photo of the interior — I took this one to the Rosary group my friend hosts and didn't have a chance. When I make it again I will update with a good shot of a piece from the side.
I loved it the first time she made it and she was so nice to write out the recipe for me!
By the way, I used to think it would be better to have all the random recipes printed out all clean and tidy, preferably in the same format and font (as if I'm the kind of person who will do this!), but as I get older, I find it endearing to come across the handwriting of a friend or relative, and even the splotches don't bother me. The little idiosyncrasies even make the recipe easier to find in my binder. (I will type it all out below.)
Rhubarb Coffeecake Like Mother, Like Daughter (and Mary Lawler)
Preheat oven to 350°F
Grease one 9 x 13″ pan or two 8″ round cake or pie pans (you can see I chose neither — any pan in the ballpark will work)
Cream until light and fluffy:
1/2 cup butter (I did change this, from the original margarine, of course!)
1 1/4 cup sugar (the rhubarb is very tart and this does not taste like a lot of sugar; if you use fruit instead, reduce the sugar to 1 cup I think – try it!)
Beat in:
1 egg
Add dry and wet ingredients alternately:
2 cups all purpose flour (I used 1 1/2 cups of AP and 1/2 cup whole wheat)
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup buttermilk (sometimes I don't have that but I use 3/4 cup yogurt/sour cream mix and 1/4 cup milk, whisked together)
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
Fold in:
2 cups chopped fresh or frozen rhubarb
Sprinkle this mixture on top:
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 cup sugar
2 tablespoons soft butter
1/2 cup chopped pecans (I used a bit more)
Bake for 40 minutes or until a tester comes out clean. Cool and enjoy!
bits & pieces
- Tony Esolen with a beautiful meditation of a poem by George Herbert, a poem with a hidden secret! “Now here’s the amazing thing about this short poem. In itself it models the kind of hidden motion we ought to have.” Enjoy, and tuck away for poetry class this fall…
- Here's an inspired song, their “alma mater”, written for Wyoming Catholic College by my friend Peter Kwasniewski, conducted by another friend, Paul Jernberg. The Latin lyrics, by Nancy Llewellyn, are translated in the video itself, but I also posted them as a comment below the video after Peter shared them with me.
- A reader sent this video, about how old-fashioned awnings can greatly cool off your home! I recommend reading the comments as well — they have a lot of tips about practical ways to shade from the sun.
- Last week I posted about the conference I will be speaking at, A Return to Tradition, in Littleton CO at Our Lady of Mount Carmel Catholic Church. It's already sold out, so sorry about that, but you can see the streaming option if you go to their website.
from the archives
- Another favorite summer recipe: Eggplant Obsession! I love that you can make a batch and serve it another day at room temperature.
liturgical living
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We have a common occurrence around here if one or the other of my preschoolers suddenly yelling “help!!! Help!!!” Luckily, we all know by the tone and the echo of the yell that it means “I need assistance in the bathroom.”
Aside from this necessary evil (for now), I am definitely in the mode of coaching said preschoolers in alternative ways of communicating their needs/wants, beyond immediate screams and cries when they need something. Some of these ideas will be very helpful in coaching them and myself.
haha yes, a work in progress!
My husband and I cracked up at your “spiders in the shower” exception. Yesterday we had a related incident while my husband was showering and I saw a spider slowly descending from its web hanging from our bedroom door frame. I SCREAMED. My toddler was in the bedroom, I was in the hall on the other side of the doorframe, and I didn’t want him to walk through the door and into the spider, of course! Somehow I thought it was appropriate to squeal and scream his name, to convey to him what I wasn’t otherwise saying, which was “don’t walk through the doorframe!” My husband thought someone was dying, so he ran out of the shower and, upon discovering it was just a dumb spider, killed it and went back to the bathroom shaking his head.
So I shared your anecdote with him and he said, “I think Leila Lawler means to yell when the SPIDER is in the shower… not when a PERSON is in the shower and the spider is somewhere else.” Haha oops!
P.S. Can’t wait to see you at Our Lady of Mt. Carmel next month! My friend is one of the organizers, so I got my ticket early! 🙂
Oh haha that is so funny! Husbands put up with a lot! But then they are the ones calling out “where did you say the ketchup is??” so I guess it’s even!
Auntie Leila, I couldn’t agree more.
As a mother of nine, soon to be ten children, the noise level can get ridiculous. I’ll call for one of the children if I’m in the middle of something and can’t step away, but they have to come to me before I relay the message. And if they need me, they have to come find me. It’s just more civil. I rarely remember my mother ever yelling for my dad and vice versa.
I chuckled at the “disillusioned with family life because of mayhem” bit because that was me today. No quiet! Too much shouting, bickering and disruptions! It was grating on my nerves, felt chaotic and disordered. So I washed my hair, stepped out for fresh air, washed the floors with my fourteen yr old son, and everything felt right again. Even knew what was for dinner. Ending the day with a win.
There’s nothing like washing your hair and the kitchen floor to set you back to rights! 😉
I’m glad you ended with that win!
I baked your coffee cake today and it was delicious! The entire family liked it, especially my husband. He really likes rhubarb desserts, but he does not like rhubarb with strawberry. This was perfect! Thanks for sharing.
The hollering has been driving me crazy lately. Thanks for the reminder that I can do something about it other than periodically yelling at people to stop yelling.
Oh, thank you for this! I laughed as I read it….sigh it happens to the best of us! God bless you!
I’m not yelling – I’m Italian!
Recently listened to Fiddler on the Roof and the Mamas are described as knowing how to raise a family and run the home— “a quiet home” and that gave me pause—“Whoa…am I supposed to be running a quiet home?” How can we poor moderns know our office without Tradition? LMLD to the rescue!
I also can’t help but think of the scene about whistle signs for the kids and Maria in the Sound of Music hahaha
I mean for sure — some of us have yelling DNA!
We just maybe need to try for “less top-of-your-lungs” vs. “quiet” LOL
My grandmother had a funny way of summoning my rather deaf grandfather in the vast Victorian house they lived in. She had a cane she kept in the room below his office and three raps on the ceiling meant “come to dinner.” That cane was a highly desired item after they died as we all had such strong memories associated with it..
When my husband and I moved in together, he made a special point of saying we shouldn’t shout from room to room like that, just come say what you want to say. Ok, no problem, I didn’t grow up in a family that did that, I can just continue not doing it. But the reason he hates it so is that he did grow up with a family of hollerers. When we visit, his parents will sometimes try to pick up a conversation with me….from a room or two away! Just start in at a high volume, as if I were right beside them and a little deaf! So I go in (maybe trailing children, maybe dripping dishwater…) to see what’s so important, and they’ll say “oh, you didn’t have to come all the way in here!” As if they were saving me trouble by shouting?? And that’s if I don’t accidentally ignore them, thinking they couldn’t possibly be talking to me, I’m all the way in here. I guess it makes me grateful to get home to my own familiar madness. File it under “takes all sorts” maybe, but you have two votes for not shouting here.
We have tackled this in the following ways:
The “One Yell” rule. If you want a particular person, you may yell their name ONCE to see if you can find out where they are. You do not then yell the whole conversation! And if they don’t respond then you DO NOT yell again because they are obviously too far away and you have to go and look for them. We have a big house with two staircases – looking for people can get quite involved! And the number of times someone has come down one staircase while I have gone up the other looking for them…!
We have a gong for meals. You hear the gong, you come running. The children get to take turns to “bang the bong” as the 2yo has it.
We bought a ship’s bell and mounted it in the hall. We use it for summoning the children when we want all of them to come pronto. I try not to overuse it in order for it to maintain its effectiveness. More than half the time I am summoning them for something nice like “Time to go to the playground!” and they really do all drop everything and come running. (My first suggestion was a whistle like The Sound of Music but my husband vetoed that!)
I truly cannot recommend the bell highly enough, as long as you use the power wisely. No ‘boy who cried wolf/chores’ in our house.
I hear you on the big house/two staircases thing! We also have a third floor. The ridiculousness of wandering around trying to find someone… but also thick walls and pretty good soundproofing, yay 19th century building techniques…
Even with just my husband and me, it can get absurd!
I do regret not being able to whistle with just my two fingers in my mouth… would come in handy here, that’s for sure!
It’s like you’re in my house or something.
All day…
“Mom!”
“What?!”
“MOM!”
“WHAT?!”
I’ve taken to calling out “Polo!” every time they yell “Mom!”. Then the call and response changes to:
“Marco!”
“Polo!”
… until they find me.
It really is mayhem and it makes me feel CRAZY. Thanks for explaining there is another way.