Enemies of our happiness exist. They will find ways to penetrate the chinks! It’s hard to know every meaning of Our Lord’s warning, “Narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it,” but one thing that comes to mind is how easy it is for us to be sidetracked and made discontent, even when we’ve made a positive commitment to what we know is good.
When people begin to find solidarity with others and affirmation for doing things the world is set against, like turning away from the conflict-driven mode of feminism and marxism in general and seeking a more peaceful way of life, a strange thing starts to happen.
It’s almost as if the forces of destruction get nervous and twitchy at any sign of resistance and have to come up with something to destabilize our intentions.
You start to see something you might not have expected. It’s not direct opposition, because leftism knows it has no arguments and most importantly, no counter-examples. There is no demographic or population of happy, contented feminists who can be observed directly and held up as the beneficent outcome of revolution, making it all worthwhile (so if you are inclined to comment something about how you’re a cheerful feminist, try not to, because this empirical fact cannot be assailed by anecdote). The best they can do is say that there isn’t enough feminism, which of course is an unverifiable way to go about things.
Here’s the new tactic I’m talking about: Right now I’d love to write something encouraging here, offering my experience, including the things I failed at, to help you be more content in making your home, for the very good reason that the home is uniquely important, and while someone has to earn money to finance it, the wife keeping it, in love and devotion, is what makes the world go round. But I’m having trouble, because just at the moment when I think a lot more people (men and women) are open to hearing this truth, having seen the utter destruction of feminism all around us, and getting practical ideas about how to make it a reality, that twitchy gaze I was talking about turns on some public self-proclaimed exemplars of, well, let’s use the term, “Trad Wife” life.
Maybe most of us weren’t paying that much attention. But the critiques bring up my own unease with those claiming to represent something I thought many were wanting to give a try. Suddenly very online enemies of home, children, and men (yes, they really are), who, to be very clear, have their own agenda, start exposing what they see as the underbelly of the perfect picture of domestic bliss.
It’s true — we might observe an uncomfortable dynamic between spouses who say reasonable things about what’s wrong in our society, but don’t demonstrate it in their interactions or even in their writings. There could be religious beliefs that don’t accord with Biblical truth in some way, large or small, within Catholicism or outside of it, while claiming to be godly.
It could be as simple as how much of their lives they are displaying for what can only be called public consumption. Surely that’s not what we mean by the hidden life, lived for God in accord with His precepts? This is the phenomenon of the Trad Wife. Monetization isn’t traditional, even as we acknowledge the appeal of all the images and even critiques of modern life the purveyors offer?
It’s at that moment that the tired old voices of discord pounce. “See?” they demand, “There’s something so strange here, something sinister, something that proves we were right all along, that the only way is to cast of the shackles of the past and…”
To finish that sentence is to leave us in a bit of limbo, since as I say, we too feel uneasy; but perhaps we see that feminism and whatever ideology ends up pitting any group against another leads to the same old place: loneliness, bitterness, setting ourselves against God. Most of all, it leaves children to be ravaged by every force imaginable. Truly, the mother in the home is central to civilization itself.
I think it’s important to keep in mind the idea of “controlled opposition” — the phenomenon presented as the opposite of what you know to be false, but isn’t therefore true. If you flip over to it just because it’s opposite, you’re controlled by it — manipulated into going back to the first, bad thing when the new, opposite thing shows its seams.
And the thing that is the controlled opposition can be very clever: Nothing is more normal and simply the way things always worked in a healthy society, for wives to be traditional! Nothing more appealing (though most won’t admit it)!
Yet the Trad Wife idea, trend, influence, is only a parody of it, though often so very, very close as to be hard to distinguish (sometimes not — I’m often shocked at how overtly pornographic it can be). Interestingly, of the Trad Wives I’ve seen, there are common elements that aren’t traditional: 1. being constantly online as an ongoing example or role model with nothing kept private (whether male or female, because there are male promoters of Trad Wife), and 2. professionalizing the brand and branding the life.
You can also think of it as a false dichotomy. Are our choices equality and viewing men as the enemy OR submitting to power? Those don’t seem like good choices. I’m not seeing God-given authority and respect for hierarchy, grounded in the love with which Christ loved the Church, i.e. dying on a cross for her. Power and authority are distinct.
People have asked me what I think about the whole Trad Wife thing, and the reasons above are why I haven’t said much. It’s almost impossible to be drawn into discussing the problem without falling into that false dichotomy and being a victim of that controlled opposition.
And it’s beyond obvious, yet somehow not up for discussion, that feminism is a brutal ideology with an unimaginable body count. Those reporting on any dissent for complicit media have themselves made choices and bring their bias to the table. Nothing they say can be taken as objective.
It’s all too tiring! I’d rather just be here, offering my encouragement and trying to show how life lived in accord with God’s plan will always be more peaceful.
I submit that the true path through these thickets is never going to look like a “movement” — it will be the result of prayerful meditation on Scripture and Tradition and the history of how Christian women have lived until the time when everyone lost their minds with the Will to Power. It will be a brave attempt to put what we learn into practice, out of love of God, our spouses, and our children, in the home.
Anyway, I was going to write about something else but it will have to wait til the ground that’s been poisoned has a chance to recover a little. In the meantime, I encourage you to peruse the archives here, as I’ve spent the last 15 years trying to articulate all this. I even wrote a book about it: God Has No Grandchildren: A Guided Reading of Pope Pius XI’s Encyclical Casti Connubii (On Chaste Marriage) – 2nd Edition. (affiliate link)
Household Corner
The break in the heat had me baking more bread…
… and pulling the rest of the garlic, setting it to dry in the garage. The ground bees have been sorted.
Next I need to pull onions and patiently await the ripening of the tomatoes, peppers, and maybe even eggplants! Probably not.
Knitting corner
I also knit most of a sleeve in my Altheda sweater! I decided to be very OCD about the stitch count and intervals between decreases, as the #1 reason for me to procrastinate on a project is getting in the weeds about matching lengths of things (for instance, if I’m making the second sock, I will work in a fog of self-doubt if I think the length of the foot is off or I have forgotten that “easy little change I’ll certainly remember” in the heel. Hence all the little stitch markers:
But I still question whether it will fit me, even though I’ve tried it on myself and my dress form. Oh well, I’m plugging away at it and feeling more optimistic now that the sleeve is close to being done!
bits & pieces
- Did you know: Not a single routine childhood vaccine was licensed based on a long-term placebo-controlled trial. Not one. Aaron Siri
- I found this a good meditation: To a Friend, on Persevering in a Most Unholy and Unchristian Age — and in the same vein, but shorter, Phil’s thoughts on hope.
from the archives
How to encourage good conversational habits in your children
Ask Auntie Leila: Cheerfulness
liturgical living
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Mary Keane says
I really only know about Tradwifery secondhand, not being on Instagram or TikTok or even Facebook anymore. However, my impression is that the women branding themselves as Trad Wives do not have many or even any children. For that reason alone, they lose significant credibility as paragons of “tradition.” The home is for the family. Housewifery is the opposite of creating a product for the consumption of people outside the home. Any hospitality or business venture is secondary to that first aim. Trad Wives remind me of the movie Children of Men in which women could not have real children, so they played with dolls. Some women don’t know or believe they can have what their grandmothers did, so they play at what they imagine it to have been like. And try to get that now-indispensable second income out of it.
Leila says
Yes all true! Your mention of Children of Men (book much more insightful than movie) makes me think of how women insist on making the discussion about personal fulfillment when the entire society and civilization are at stake. Without well formed children lovingly brought up in a family there is literally no future. And like it or not, women are the guardians of that reality, yet we refuse to accept our duty and role, because we have been convinced someone is making us — strange! No one forces anyone to get married in a Christian society!
Mary Keane says
Well, there’s the contraceptive default again! Having a child is not regarded as a natural corollary to marriage, but as something that is mindfully chosen as a result of careful planning and justification including how to pay for college. You can really only get away with procreating a couple of times to those standards. If the woman hasn’t explicitly signed off on the pregnancy each and every time, she is suppressed, brainwashed, or at best irresponsible and misguided. At least that’s what I’ve encountered personally.
We have seven children. We couldn’t pay for daycare at this point even if I wanted to. I’m being imprisoned and I just got another eighteen year sentence! (Her name is Bridget, by the way!)
cheryl stillman says
Thank you for continuing to “speak” truth and encourage the home maker. Your blog continues to be a source of light in a crazy dark world. I’m so thankful I found your blog many years ago- I have found many helpful hints in caring for my large family and encouragement that I am not alone as I try to follow God’s word for my life and family.
On a side note being a fellow Massachusetts resident when do you plant your garlic- I just started planting onions but have never tried garlic. Thank you
Leila says
I plant the garlic in November!
Eva Marie says
I just read a piece about “trad wives” this week and it left me extremely uncomfortable. The “influencer” family had eight kids, and mom was a pageant queen while homeschooling and homesteading, but all the author could really communicate was her own biases and discomfort with the woman being a wife and mother.
At the same time, I cannot abide this voyeurism and commercialization of what is a sacred and holy and private institution. Besides, what good is teaching women to waste more of their lives gawking at others on the internet, spending money on dubious products, and obsessing over their appearance?
I will continue to teach my children and those within my influence to prayerfully follow a better way as best they can, with modesty and the true beauty of virtue, and have hope in the work I am doing.
I am all the more sober about this topic as I prepare to enter the workforce next month due to my husband’s rather sudden retirement and significant disability, while attending to the duties of my most important role as wife and mother. I am so grateful to have been able to build my home and my family for the last 19 years, and feel sad when I see beautiful babies whose mothers insist they cannot have more children because daycare is too expensive and having a career is of course a given.
Bless you, Auntie Leila and family, for maintaining this beautiful place of serenity and sanity. Keep up the good work!
Leila says
I agree with your observation about the article. A lot going on there, presented as objective reporting. The problem with the conversation following up on that piece is it fails to examine the probable motives of the writer, who clearly goes in with a chip on her shoulder, and why would that be — but neither do we question why every moment of these people’s lives is offered up for public consumption. Instead, it’s all about what she “gave up” and whether she should have (and everyone gives up something for other things, right? what do career women give up?).
Your situation is a difficult one, yet many families have faced it. In a way, the men are hardest hit. Women can and do shoulder a lot of burdens (and I actually think women today are shouldering ALL the burdens created by feminism) but men have one thing they are made to do and become despondent if they can’t do it. Hardships borne with grace are how we get to heaven!The sisterhood, so vaunted by the women’s movement, is for this! But feminists just want you to be angry; they don’t really believe in sisterhood at all.
Sarah says
Your knit looks so beautiful Leila! Well done! I look forward to seeing you post a photo when you are finished!
Thanks for tackling the difficult topics. I hadn’t even heard of tradwife untill recently when my 22 yr old son referred to it. I was lauding stay at home wives and mothers to him. He had heard of it. Sigh.
tster says
I read that article as well. It made me uncomfortable. But really, it came down to the husband’s personality and the dynamics in their marriage that were not, in my mind specific to traditional or non-traditional marriages. I’ve met selfish, controlling, micromanaging and bullying husbands in families where the woman is the only one working, where the politics are left or right or everything in between. We’re human — whatever political, religious or philosophical beliefs we hold.
I also think there’s just a big misunderstanding of what it means. The idea that men have authority over wives is not the same as men micromanaging all decisions and/or making their wives into draft mares who labor to exhaustion in the home without respite. It’s a very imperfect analogy, but CEOs are indubitably in charge, but a good CEO delegates tasks, lets employees grow into their own role, has realistic understandings of employees strengths, weaknesses and needs, and gives the people under him autonomy within their own spheres of influence. The old saying is that a good boss makes himself obsolete, because he helps everyone else grow into their best selves.
And ultimately, a truly selfless leader is making sacrifices for the good of those who he supports/defends/protects. Being the head of the household may mean you have ultimate veto power or final say, so to speak, but if you’re not consistently putting the needs of your family before your own preferences, then you are failing in your role.
Tiffany Weathers says
Thanks for this.
I like what you said, “the true path…is never going to look like a movement”.
Selflessness is never going to trend. It’s just too costly. My parents struck out on a road less traveled after my dad had a revelation from the Lord, and then later, a conviction came on him in a prayer of repentance. In the years they were raising children we watched many families join a sort of trend of home and family and then sort of wander away from that trend. I am so grateful that to my parents it meant ever so much more than a trend. Grateful for their selflessness.
And then, monetization….
In the last week someone relayed the story of their family’s visit to the emergency room (for the dad) (a true emergency) in which the nurses were having way too much fun adoring their baby to get down to business. The pain of it struck me to the core.
Now, in the moment, they probably were not feeling all of the following, but of course they wanted to dandle the baby.
They are female and they have been away from babies, their own and the ones in their near community (what community? And what babies, anymore?) for far too many hours, years, far more than is natural, far more than suits the natural maternal yearning that has been so suppressed.
And are they not starving in their employment, for any genuine human interactions that are not being monetized?
Some things just can’t be sold because the selling of them hollows out the essence of what they are.
Laura says
Maybe the demographic of happy feminists are the women with the intelligence and power strong enough to procure a job they find satisfying and that pays them well enough for them to use their cunning to procure quality care for their children. I think this is the ideal people have in their minds when they believe feminism to be effective. It’s indeed a much narrower demographic than an adherent might realize and artificially propped up. Most likely not self-sustaining even within the family of the happy feminist especially if the childcare is not truly quality or the children lack the strength of the mother. This was such a good, interesting article Leila, thank you. I have more thoughts I’d like to share, I’ll see if I get a chance.
Leila says
The elites have made a world for themselves and then expect ordinary people to sort out their situations, as you indicate, and that in itself makes it all the more important to stand up for a stable existence for those who don’t have the means to survive revolution.
Jane says
Who are the elites? Wealthy people? Educated people? Liberal people? Women who work? People whose worldview you don’t agree with? Do you know what I wish I wish people would stop using the word elite. It divides us. It makes it sound like there’s some cabal of some kind of person out there planning the ruin of us all and who is this person or people? Whomever we don’t like. Whoever we want to get other people angry at. An extreme example would be the National Socialists during the Third Reich. The elites to them were the Jews. You know, the bankers, and the people who owned all the department stores. Ruining things for the common man (the volk). I think it’s very dangerous to label small groups of people we don’t like and try to get everybody else upset with them. We are all trying to do the best You know, by world standards you and I are both part of the elite. At least some people would see us that way, Both of us white, materially comfortable, living in a beautiful house . You know the communist hated the elite as well as the companion class, The dreaded intellectual. I think most of us are just trying to do the best we can with what we are given. But until we start listening and trying to understand, each other without the labels, we are never going to heal what’s broken in our communities.
Leila says
I think it’s pretty clear who the elites are in the context of this post. I don’t appreciate the attempt to smear me with some sort of anti-semitic tar. I also don’t appreciate assumptions about what category I fit in or what my background is.
The whole point of my post is not to be drawn into the division created by the dichotomy presented in the online discussion about the article — the journalist and her issues and the “trad wife” and hers.
bethanne says
I hope this doesn’t stir the pot, and I believe there must be some, but in my own life, I have never experienced a happy feminist. I have known many women who call themselves feminists. (Maybe all the feminists I’ve known have been too poor to be happy?!!) And if money is the thing that enables a feminist to be happy in order to pay for quality child care…well, I’ve never heard of feminism guaranteeing that, usually there is a railing against a glass ceiling, a railing against unequal pay, and a railing against men for a million reasons.
I’d also be curious what quality child care looks like. Is it a nanny who is in the home acting as a mother-figure so the mother can be gone? To me, this just reinforces the importance of mothers and the importance of home.
As an aside, I discovered this blog long ago and found it when I was discontent. {P,H,F,R} served to open my eyes to the beauty that could be in my own life. It wasn’t trendy or a movement. I was given and received courage to follow God’s call for our family and it is imperfect, but I am truly content and challenged. The poisoned ground isn’t going to go away, but women will find LMLD, as I did, as an oasis. I am grateful for you.
Laura says
I was just trying to speak beyond anecdote. There must be some reason why feminism appeals and I think the ideal I mentioned is why. People must believe it is more attainable than it is in reality. Quality childcare is just people who take good care of your child, I was not speculating specifics. This is a wonderful blog, I agree.
tster says
I think feminism appeals to a subset of women because they excel at certain types of tasks and skills that have nothing to do with homemaking (because they’ve been schooled and trained for them since kindergarten), and have never been taught (or are naturally pretty bad at) the skills needed for homemaking.
I think most women have it in them to be really good mothers in their own unique way, it’s a thing you grow into as long as your heart is willing. But a lot of women, even if they stay home, will only ever be mediocre or adequate at tasks we’ve defined as core to homemaking in this modern era. And no one will tell them when they’re “good enough.” By contrast, they *know they can be very good at certain jobs, and they get that immediate feedback telling them they’re good, in the form of performance reviews, raises and more power, etc.
My mom was miserably unhappy as a homemaker and when she went to work she was a *better mother to me. When her brain was not occupied with challenging tasks, she focused all her anxiety and unhappiness on my perceived faults and kept trying to improve or fix me. Once she had a job (as a computer programmer), all that analytical “fix it” energy was redirected and we were all much happier.
That said, I still remember lying on the mat at my preschool, miserably unhappy and failing to nap, counting down the seconds until she picked me up. Like a dog waiting for its owner to come home, I would wait for the particular jingle her keys made when she picked me up; my heart would lift at every false alarm and then sink when I realized it wasn’t her. The ideal would have been if she could have worked on her anxiety and her own childhood issues to be a more relaxed mom for me who was also there for me in my early years. It just wasn’t something that was feasible for her though, given the resources and place we were in at the time.
Leila says
There are always people with their own issues and levels of competence. But whatever they are, they cannot challenge the norm and when we let them, it’s children who suffer.
In my opinion, an adult should shoulder the burden of feeling misery and the pangs of heart you describe, not the child, as far as she is able, without making excuses about her own pursuit of happiness. I’m not here talking about your particular situation, but about the universal normalization of the rationalization. I grew up with “women can be better mothers if they are fulfilled” (just as it was also said, “everyone is happier when the bad marriage can be set aside”).
The results have not been good.
tster says
I don’t disagree; I’m just saying what forces shape people’s choices. The reality is that the *norm already is for women to work outside and we essentially “train” them to think that’s what will make them happy and to be good at “working” skills from a very young age. If we want women to be happy homemaking, our systems need to give them training so they’re decent at it. No one likes doing things they are bad at, especially if they have no clue how to improve! And while the internet is lousy with resources showing people what to *aspire to in their home, the actual logistics and operational bits get a lot less airtime.
And yes, I agree that there’s the norm, and then there are individual choices, which are always unique and particular.
I think in the past, there have ALWAYS been women who were not suited to marriage, unable to have children, who had to work or who were called to a role outside the home, etc.. In the face of those extraordinary circumstances, for the most part, society would make room for those people.
Yes, there was the norm of women being the caretakers of the home, but there was also just the sheer pragmatism of people needing to get on with the day-to-day living, and people did it without all the fanfare and naval-gazing about what their choice meant in some larger, sociological construct.
For instance, lots of women worked in the family store or restaurant, etc. They didn’t see themselves as “working women.” They were just moms doing what best helped their families.
Leila says
Yes, everyone has varying degrees of enjoying family life and there are so many circumstances, genetics, emotional traumas, and who knows what going into it that sometimes it seems like an impossible goal.
My only point is that we will always have norms, so we have to be sure the norms protect children. It’s not fair to impose misery on children so that adults can pursue something that may actually just turn out to be trying to conform to an even worse goal, set up by those who are not that good at respecting human nature.
In other words, unhappy people might not be as fulfilled as they think in the new dispensation. What we can be sure of is that children will not be.
Your first point is precisely why I write here and why I have written a 3-volume work on the subject of actually learning how to be at home — becoming competent and recovering the collective memory that has not been passed down.
I have literally been writing for 17 years on this theme!
The feminist goal of being a working woman has nothing to do with the family enterprise or the mother and father managing the farm together as we see throughout history, though it often uses it as a defense. Feminism is a unique idea of making the woman an independent economic unit, pretending she can be just like a man, and of basing the family structure on two breadwinners, with the question of who raises the children left entirely unanswered.
The virtue of the old model is the respect it gives to the work of the home and above all for the need of the children for their mother to be free of outside obligations. As I say, there will always be norms. The norms, in our fallen world, will often end up feeling burdensome to someone! I believe it’s the duty of society to make sure the burden falls on adults, not children. The lie of feminism is that it pretends that no one will suffer while it attempts to remake human nature.
Mrs. T says
The whole Trad Wife, Inc. movement leaves me feeling increasingly uncomfortable. There is nothing traditional about the constant voyeurism into a family’s private life, particularly the children’s. It’s terrible when the mothers do it…even worse when it’s the fathers.
The whole thing stinks.
Nicole says
Thank you for speaking to this issue, Auntie Leila! What weird times we live in. The really off-putting and repulsive aspect I have encountered in the “Trad wife”-sphere was actually from the Catholic faction that was trying to sell what ended up being their own brand of “Catholic teaching on women, marriage, sex relationships” etc. It frankly sounds downright Muslim at some points, where they say stuff like, “The Church teaches that wives shouldn’t leave the house unless it’s an emergency (?!), and unless the husband takes them; wives shouldn’t drive; wives should never ever work for pay outside the home, before/during/after children etc”. And other impractical, silly, strictures like that. Lots of emphasis on the wife’s physical appearance/beauty/weight gain (down to acceptable BMIs etc) and a HUGE emphasis on constantly working out and “losing the baby weight” while somehow simultaneously having a baby about once a year. And of course, the claims that if the dad is changing a diaper , feminism has infiltrated your marriage! It almost seems like an updated version of the Victorian “Angel of the House” concept with some Catholicism slapped over it.
So thank you for your voice here that offers sanity, and all of the wisdom in your books, many blog posts, etc for living out the vocation of marriage! There’s a lot of internet noise, so the calm encouragement you offer is so needed!
sibyl says
Yes, the TradWife phenomenon seems to be the yucky overreaction to the yucky feminist lie. Being almost exclusively an online phenomenon — and therefore completely unreal — it seems to already be wearing itself out.
Probably 15 years ago, I decided for a variety of personal reasons that I was going to stop wearing pants and only wear dresses and skirts. I didn’t really talk about it much, even to my own daughters, and only required them to do the same for church. Many of their friends’ moms also chose to do this. And what I have found is that my daughters are much more likely now, as young adults, to wear dresses and skirts for daily life. The decision to live a certain way shows in how the kids proceed.
I think this is how we have to think about marriage and family. We do have to talk explicitly about the evils of feminism, but more than that we have to SHOW the joy of ordinary family life, where mom and dad are friends, where everyone has something to suffer but also their own special niche in the building up of the family. We moms have to work very much on our own hearts, so that our daughters have the idea that being a wife and mother is a happy, normal life.
Suzie says
I only wear my one pair of trousers when everything else is dirty! But honestly, I have found dresses so much more practical in my season of life (chiefly the actively having of babies season). With all the weight gain and weight loss and fluctuating shape aside from weight, how on earth could I find a pair of trousers that would fit me for more than a few months? Whereas dresses (if you buy the right style) are very forgiving of bodily changes.
I had to throw away all my maternitywear after my last baby because it was full of holes. I am now six months pregnant and have just bought some new actual maternitywear. Thus far I have been perfectly comfortable in my regular dresses – and believe me, I don’t grow small bumps!
I think there is a reason that dresses/skirts have been womenswear for centuries, and it’s not that all of our ancestors were oppressed by the patriarchy.
Caitlin says
In the vein of acknowledging and respecting the proper hierarchy of things in the household, I wonder if you have any advice for a situation that’s been going on in our family. I am grateful to have a husband who is not afraid of being “the heavy” and who cares enough to be very involved in the nitty-gritty details of disciplining the children. He’s a loving dad and also by nature a “the thing must be done and done well, so I better keep at it!” type… which leads to pretty zealous disciplining of said children. I don’t mean he’s abusive or anything like that, not at all. But they’ve often said things to me, in passing, to the extent of “Papa is always grumpy,” or once, hilariously, “Papa is always trying to improve us.” Sometimes I want to tell him to lighten up (though on the other hand I really appreciate being able to say old-fashioned things like ‘do I need to call you father over here?’) but I certainly do NOT want to undercut him, take the children’s “side” against him, or bicker with him about his attitude in front of them. I do these things sometimes, unfortunately. He just takes everything so seriously! I maybe should mention that he cares deeply about being a good, strong father and also, his own dad was out of the picture before he was a teenager so he really wants to get it right but there seems to be some anxiety there.
Sometimes I really do worry that their overwhelming memory of their father will be this angry, harsh disciplinarian. He can be very loving to them individually but in the chaos (we have five under 10 so far) he and I both are pretty easily overstimulated and grumpy. And I feel like it’s harder for him than for me to see, say, our three-year-old’s annoying behavior for what it is (mostly harmless and usually an issue for redirection, rather than outright defiance. Usually, lol!) He (my husband) is so punitive! But fathers are, and should be, different than mothers, so maybe I should just stay out of it and let him do his thing… He especially clashes with our difficult five year old girl, who seems to have zero love for him and definitely resents him and I hate to see that. I just don’t know.
Maybe this should have been an Ask Auntie Leila, lol. Let me know if I should just email you! xoxo
Leila says
Ha! Yes, usually better to email me!
I think mothers and fathers are meant by design to help each other by admiring the other’s perfections and correcting their excesses. It’s a delicate balance and won’t be ideal in this life!
Might be good to institute a “free and frank discussion” meeting (far from said children) in which ten or so minutes is given to some sort of positive feedback. “You are such a good strong model for our children. I am hoping you will let them see your happy, cheerful side and think of specific ways to let each one know you delight in him or her, especially when they are just acting their age and don’t mean anything by their silliness or annoyingness. A sense of humor goes a long way, don’t you think?” Of course, we have to be willing to hear something hard on our side, but if the ground rule is that it needs to be put positively, I think we can handle it.
And yes, it’s always going to seem to the mother like a good father is just too harsh. (Some women have the opposite problem — their husbands just never check in and dole out the punishments, and that’s not good.) If you keep your relationship healthy with affirmation and your own enjoyment of things, eventually he will get the message that he can tone it down, relying on his deep voice and no-nonsense attitude to get results, without being overbearing. At the same time, as the children get older, you’ll realize his methods work and your household has order in it.
Keep talking to each other! Keep appreciating each other!
Sarah says
I would also add that if there’s a way to get him additional 1:1 fun time with the children, especially those frequently in trouble, that may do wonders.
Suzie says
I sometimes talk to my husband in private if he is being what I think of as unreasonably harsh.
Either about a specific incident:
“You know, I think you overreacted a bit when Child wasn’t paying attention at prayers. He shouldn’t have been doing That Thing, but I think you were a bit harsh.”
Sometimes he will agree, sometimes not.
Or about a relationship:
“Do you think you could find time to do something fun with Child? I feel like they’re feeling a bit unappreciated.”
I try to support him in the moment, but I don’t need to be a doormat behind the scenes! It’s perfectly OK to speak your mind. It’s respectful to him to tell him what you think. In fact, it’s more respectful than thinking he can’t handle it! Would you feel respected if you found out he thought you were doing something important wrong but didn’t feel he could talk to you about it?
Caitlin says
All good insights, everyone… thank you so much!
Suzie, I personally skew more toward shrewish than doormattish, lol! So my reining in tends to be needed in the other direction…. gnothi seauton and all that! He definitely knows (and appreciates) what I think! <3
At his suggestion, this evening he is taking our Three and Five (not his favorite ages….) out for pizza, just the three of them. I get the two older ones tomorrow night. I think it will be good for all of us! 🙂
Mrs. Bee says
I second the idea of a “free and frank meeting”: our pastor, during a meeting with homeschooling parents, actually suggested the idea that such meetings should happen regularly, so that resentment and doubts don’t fester and cause deeper cracks. He advised to have two kinds of “dates” regularly happening – the fun ones where you just enjoy being with each other (and it does not mean at all that you must spend money or even leave the house: sometimes my husband and I have dinner by ourselves in our bedroom while the kids are at the dining table 🙂 ), and what Leila just called “free and frank meetings”, where you both get to talk through things where you may not be on the same page. Because there’s always a balance between “fun” time on your own and “serious” time on your own, no one is going to feel like time away from the kids is taken only to lodge complaints. And let’s admit that it’s usually the wife who’s more inclined to compile that list of complaints, so if the “frank meetings” become official and regular, it’s more clear to the husband that this is not where he sits on the dock, but that he should also bring his own thoughts. It’s actually a necessary skill to develop, the one where you learn to talk respectfully about your different points of view. There’s no need to be tense or nervous, and there can be a lot of good-natured teasing (for instance, my husband is famously convinced I cannot load the dishwasher the right way 🙂 ) And a lot of times these meetings will not even be about disagreements, but occasions to talk about money, schooling, the kids, your mood, your energy, etc. So it’s all for the good of the family, and not to point the finger at each other.
Ellen says
This is such a good question! We have a similar dynamic in our marriage and family life. We have the conversations Auntie Leila recommends where we talk constructively about an issue in our family life. It has helped alot for us both to say aloud that we are on the same team and we want to help eachother do better. But carefully, as no one appreciates being picked to death. We also do “daddy dates” to help the kids form a warm relationship with him. Usually these are an errand combined with a trip to the candy store. I am still very much a novice in parenting. I am more affirming that we have done and are doing what Auntie Leila suggests and it helps. Also my husband and I made a resolution a few years ago to laugh more. The pressure to “get it all right” had been crushing our sense of fun and joy.
Leila says
A sense of humor is truly the salvation of marriage (other than God who is its salvation for real but remember, He gave us our sense of humor!).
Find a funny way to say it! Laugh at the antics! Laugh at yourself! Let the children distract you with their silliness! If you don’t feel like laughing, say something like “please do not disturb me right now I am attempting to have utmost solemnity and you are not helping” or whatever works!
This is truly the way out of our silly self-importance and self-pity!
Rob Marco says
I can’t comment on the Trad Wife phenomenon, as it’s not really my world.
But I did want to thank you, Leila, regarding a comment you made on one of my FB posts at some point a few years ago (when I still had a presence there).
I forget the specifics, but it was essentially a friendly chastisement against exhibitionism with regards to my family; specifically, the inner sanctuary of my home and marriage, things which should be kept private. It stung at the time (I can’t recall the specific context), but you were right and it stayed with me resurfacing from time to time when I would think “Should I post this? Should I reveal this?” Even if it for a perceived greater good, evangelization, etc.
Now, all I want is a hidden life. A hidden prayer life, a hidden marriage, hidden children, hidden home, hidden suffering. I want to shield my wife and children, not expose them by my own hand.
It’s a process of dismantling the fishbowl, but when I reflect on the scripture “But Mary kept all these words, pondering them in her heart,” it’s a model to aspire to (as well as silent St Joseph).
Little things can sometimes make deep impressions;)
Mrs. T says
Excellent, Rob, excellent!! Yes! A protective, shielding father! God bless you!
Leila says
Thanks, Rob, for your comment. I salute you for your honesty and reflection.
Laura says
Anecdotally, my formation happened amongst many happy feminists. Not exceedingly wealthy feminists, either. It’s plausible a significant portion of their happiness stems from the vestiges of a more traditional era, but I obviously won’t probe my dear ones too intensely on a public forum. I myself am a very sorrowful traditionalist. I am not flourishing, either! 🤣 Maybe I will prevail, time will tell. God is so vast and funny.
I can submit to the fact that peculiarity does not disprove the functioning of systems.
Personally I find participating in a beauty pageant two weeks after giving birth to be a very funny little flourish. And if I had known you could be done with postpartum bleeding in a two week time frame I would have at least turned the possibility over in my mind! Hard to deny she is a wonder.
From my perspective, the Times article was not very toxic. My understanding is that the Times has a somewhat cohesive worldview that is not generally in alignment with tradition. I think that makes it easy to account for the author’s slight disdain of their children, for example, and her wariness of Mr. Neeleman. Nevertheless, I think there is a kernel of truth amidst the author’s limited perspective. A brutal man is a pitfall of the traditional lifestyle. I’m not saying the author adequately demonstrated that Mr. Neeleman is a brutal man, but her concern has logic to it. Furthermore, at the stage where we are now, seeing the product of earlier experimenting with family life and childbearing, it seems all the more likely to me that larger numbers of men will need even greater cunning and heroism to be successful servant leaders. And much like it is a man’s cross to be stymied in his desire to provide (May God bless and strengthen your family, Eva Marie, and thank you for sharing your thoughts and struggles), it is a woman’s sorrow to fail to be seen or cherished by her husband. The feminists have exploited this fact and sometimes it is best to look a dreadful thing in the face so, as you conveyed, people know better than to throw the whole project out the window when confronted.
In terms of optics, I think the Harrison Butker speech was far, far worse for the appeal of traditionalism! I think you might not agree though, Leila.
I hope you will pardon me for any of our differences of opinion. I am very grateful for the opportunity to clarify my thoughts that your post presented. And of course, I admire your intelligence so much!
Laura says
That should say child rearing above, not childbearing
Leila says
Of course I don’t mind a difference of opinion!
I think your comment goes to the main point of what I was trying to say, that forcing us into this binary paradigm makes it impossible to weigh things in real life.
It also makes it impossible to confront the deadly realities of feminism, which is after all what “controlled opposition” hopes to accomplish: a deflection from the real issues of principle and public record. Any ideology that results in millions of dead babies can’t take refuge behind a “but it hasn’t been tried!” defense.
Laura says
Auntie, in your generosity would you say a prayer for my husband? Feminism is not our issue per se. By my assessment, he is failing to see the Christ child for the water that surrounds Him. He is external to our faith.
Leila says
I will pray!
Domminique says
Oh Auntie Leila! How edified I always find your commentary to be. Constantly echoing the sentiments of my own heart that I rarely have time to put into words.
A year or so ago a dear Catholic male friend told me about this ‘trad wife’ phenomenon and I was most disturbed (I am not a social media gal for many reasons). The reality of it all saddened me deeply and my first thoughts were, how can this level of self promotion under what seems like a brand title to me be anywhere close to virtuous?
I immediately thought if St. Therese had access to social media would she be online promoting her ‘little way’ for all the world to see? I very much doubt it. Especially for those who do such things for profit. There is something very fake about it all and leaves me feeling off kilter (just my opinion).
There is something so contrary to the daily comings and goings of the life of a wife who is striving amidst the many pressures against her to homeschool, homestead, homemake and do what she can to make her food homemade (and I live in communist Canada, yes Americans it is far worse here). Even if the thing being done, that is worth being done, is being done badly – and I am a LIVING example of Chesteron’s words being made manifest, especially the ‘done badly’ part. Sigh.
There is an inaccessible perfectionism that is promoted in the ‘trad wife’ and to be quite honest, one I can find I can hardly relate to. Where are the uncontained messes? The hours of dishes? The chicken feathers that get stuck to one’s feet, despite efforts to keep farm dirt outside? The laundry in the inner depths of the Mines of Moria in one’s farm basement? The piles of papers that build up in corners from children who are constantly creating?
No. I see none of these things. And therefore I cannot find I can trust what I do not find to be real. Instead I see pristine kitchens, perfect bread, well tended gardens, beautiful meals, white washed rooms, and laundry piles folded in perfect order. And of course a homeschool that never misses a day.
If God has blessed these women with these beautiful gifts than all the praise to Him and in my estimation they are likely of a choleric temperament (because cholerics really do get so much more accomplisher than us melancholics out there). But I personally need examples of real people, sins, temptations, trials, working through trauma and all to be able to find courage, fortitude and tenancity for what is my call in this life.
Many days I am crushed in the wine press. And I look for others who share the same reality.
I’ll save the perfection for the world to come.
Victoria says
Love your thoughts here, and I can relate. 🙂 Have you ever read “Beowulf”? I’m finally reading it as I get ready for next school year and it has been surprisingly encouraging to me as we keep doing our best to fight the good fight.
Julie-Ann says
Dominique…as I was reading your sentence about the curation of these images (you called it “inaccessible perfection”) I replaced your word “room” with “tomb.” The words of Jesus came to mind, around Matthew 23: 27 and 28.
The Christian life is so counter-cultural to any curated examples I have found on social media. I think of this almost every day.
Thank you, Auntie Leila, for sharing your thoughtful thoughts and all who commented.
Emily says
Is that a gladiolus perchance in your first photo? We have some growing out front and the deer love to eat them after the flowers start opening… at least they’re not munching my peach trees! (Knock on wood)
Christi says
Great post, and I have a far less in-depth comment. Have you ever seen the idea of knitting two sleaves at once? My little sister -who started knitting only after telling me how she couldn’t, it was just too hard, and now drop spindles contantly from the fleeces of her own flock and knits her own clothes- introduced me to the idea. I was nervous setting up the two magic loops for my own sweater sleaves, but it is going very well, so well I am getting bored 😂🙌🏻🧶 Evidently you can knit two socks at the same time with the same sort of technique 🤯 I am very taken with the idea that I don’t have to wonder about running out of yarn for the second sleeves, and all the work of getting them matching.
Have found your blog in a week of sickness and have been enjoying reading while I rest. The cleaning posts have been such a help and joy. Keep up the good work!
Leila says
I often knit socks two-at-a-time using magic loop. In theory I could do the sweater sleeves that way and believe me, I entertained the idea for a while, for the reasons you say — especially because of my OCD about having them be exactly the same length.
However, it would mean doing them bottom-up and attaching them when I was done, which would mean not following the pattern but instead making sure I increased as I went along rather than decreased going down.
I could do it!
Then I would also have to graft the sleeves onto the body, and I could do it! But all things considered, I thought it would be the better part of valor to just follow the pattern LOL