… or an otherwise mentally ill person subject to mood disorders and not able to form healthy relationships or deal with anything at all.
Basically, I see the most fundamental principles of healthy child development violated in action and in advice.
So on the idea that I alone am left to offer this part of the collective memory, here you go:
1. I start with a paradox.
Understand this: From the moment the child is born, he's separating from you and it's not a one-time deal — it goes on and on, forever! It's built into human nature for him (and truth be told, parents) to resist this separation, though there are a few who seem to be rushing off right from the start, I have to admit.
Thus, the way to smooth the path to the challenges ahead, which I will outline below, is to cooperate with the other built-in aspects of our nature to form good healthy emotional bonds, bonds of affection and love. These bonds will see us through. They don't have to be perfect, nor can they be, but it's our duty to try.
Even before birth, from the moment of conception, this child is his own person.
Keep him close while you can: nurture him and do your best to breastfeed him by holding him and feeding him from your breast (I feel I have to specify this these days, forgive me); if you must bottle-feed, insist on holding him in the nursing position and taking your time. Yes, this is literally his love language. Why would we dismiss it as unimportant?
Know that even in the earliest days he is experiencing transitions away from you. Your job is to remain unperturbed by the inevitable upheaval of those transitions (teething, crawling, experiencing the pain of unintended cold, wetness, pinches, learning to walk and talk, and so on, all of which are accompanied by wails, tears, and even howls of frustration). But at the same time, gradually open your arms and let them come. The bonds you are forming help you do this. It has to happen — the only question is whether it will happen in the context of affection or not.
- The process of separation is a turning towards the world, starting with others in the family like Daddy with his deep voice and scratchy beard, siblings who can be less than gentle, strangers suddenly appearing in their face with outrageous comments about their chubbiness.
Help your child to not be afraid by not being afraid on his behalf.
This help comes in the form of telling and showing him how to act. Even if at first he can't comply, don't give up, but gently, over time, insist on working towards meeting the outside world, appropriate to his age.
Hold a baby's hands when he starts to smack. He doesn't know any better, but he also can feel restraint. He's smarter than you think.
Show a two-yaer-old how to shake hands. Say, “When a grownup says hello, say, ‘Hello Mrs. Smith.'” “Look at people's eyes when you are talking to them.” A two-year-old will hardly respond. By the time the child is four he needs to have figured it out. A very shy child can receive a bit more sheltering, but it must be explained to him, “I won't make you talk but you need to be thinking about when you can greet someone politely, because when you do, you will feel less shy.” By the age of reason, he simply must do it.
3. He must learn to do things for himself. At first he won't be able to put on his own shoes, but let him sit with them and try — don't interrupt that funny play (which is really work) of a nine-month-old deep in concentration with a pair of socks or shoes, trying to figure out how to connect them with his feet!
Help a two-year-old with his jacket, but only after giving him a minute with it himself. This takes a lot of patience, so of course we're learning self control too…
Don't default to putting a baby in the car seat (outside of the car). Babies need to strain and roll around and struggle to turn over. This is not only physical development, it's development in mental health. A baby is learning about the outside world and how it relates to his body and mind in the only way he can at this point. Don't interfere with that, even if there are a few tears.
Better an older baby fall down while he's at the age of bounceability and learn thereby to control his motions than fall when he's older, and really hurt himself.
A four-year-old must be expected to walk properly through a door and not bowl people over. He shouldn't kick someone sitting next to him. Your reaction to him doing so should not be motivated by embarrassment alone, but by concern for your failure to teach him.
He can walk responsibly, surely, at that point. Specifically, resolve not to sort of chase him around, protecting the world from him! Instead, treat him as an acting person (however undeveloped) and show him beforehand how to do it. Smile at his efforts. Don't always correct him at the time. It can be more effective to correct him afterwards. If someone else corrects him, let it be.
“We are going to walk into the library. I expect you to walk behind me with self control. If you don't, we'll go home.”
At other times, your child may cause a disruption, but you ought to remain unembarrassed if you can see that it's because he's trying to do something appropriately in his control (and just failing).
If he is trying to give his sibling a needed book during Church and causes a loud bang when said sibling falls off the pew, don't let your human respect (worry about what others will think) cause you to reprimand him. On the other hand, if he's defiantly ignoring you when you ask him to pass the book, he needs to be reprimanded.
4. Experiencing reasonable expectations develops his mental health. Don't be put off by “attitude” or you will never get anywhere, because children are nothing if not aware of how their “attitude” (naughtiness, sauciness, whining, etc.) gets results from weak, unconvinced parents.
Think about what you are asking. Is it reasonable? Then go for it. Is it unreasonable? Don't say it. Don't know? Read up on child development, observe competent children, and figure it out.
5 . A child needs very early on to understand hierarchy and his place in it. Stop thinking about equality, a very unhelpful concept.
Even an older baby notices you jumping up for his needs but not so much for the needs of, say, your husband. Don't think so? Well, why does a 9-month-old continually toss his cup off the high chair tray? If not to see you jump? We can enjoy his new discovery without making it an embedded pattern in our relationships!
Be convinced that you make him happy with that deep, abiding happiness when he knows who is in charge. The “behaviors,” including so-called “neuro-divergent” ones, we observe, stem from anxiety of not knowing who's in charge and suspecting it might be… himself. Yikes. Even he knows that's not a good idea, but fallen human nature being what it is, he can't resist.
Every “pack” (and the family is a sort of pack) needs its “alpha pair,” male and female, and within that alpha pair, the male must be the alpha-ist of all. In the human pack, authority is shown by leading and also by service. It isn't about power and the child will become disturbed if power is the prevalent mode in the home.
But authority there must be. Good parents keep an open discussion between themselves about how to rear their children — after all, both are learning. The wise mother allows her husband to deal directly with the children without interfering in a way that undermines his authority, which believe me, will be needed later on. If she insists on intervening when the child is three, she will come to regret his ensuing emasculation when that same child is sixteen.
If he doesn't have necessary information, she can say something like, “Dad, did you know we already took care of that?” But overall, she should let him deal. The child picks up on nervousness and anxiety and will leverage those things against his own best interests, such is the muddledness of our condition.
6. The child must learn that “losing” isn't the end of the world and in fact is very freeing. Fathers are good at accepting this, speaking of the hierarchy.
Let your child fail. Don't cushion him against difficulties a child his age can reasonably expected to face. In other words, certainly protect your child from other adults' predations and attacks on his innocence, of course protect him from dangers he doesn't have the experience to foresee, but don't protect him from the normal issues of childhood.
If he loses something, think before you rush to replace it. If he falls and hurts himself, offer sympathy and a bandaid, but don't over-react; sometimes waiting a minute in the case of a toddler reveals to all, including himself, that it wasn't really anything to notice.
Don't give him things to eat right before supper. Plan snacks mid-afternoon, and then that's that. He won't expire if he has to wait half an hour. (Of course, you can ask yourself to get dinner on the table before everyone melts down.)
Don't be afraid to nix a certain movie or other entertainment. If you find yourselves watchings something inappropriate, turn it off.
He doesn't need everything he sees; he doesn't need to do everything that occurs to him. Tell your very young children as you walk into the store that you will not be buying any treats so they should not ask for them. Asking will result in punishment, because this is sheer habit! They can amuse themselves in other ways! Treats are your prerogative; you are the arbiter of treats.
Losing in this sense can be so freeing. What he learns is that he will be happier in the security of knowing that his will is not the be-all and end-all; that he can rely on his parents to endure his wails for his own good.
7. Let him be in nature. Children need experiences of the natural world; it's God's feedback mechanism. It exists apart from them. The strenuous activity of long walks, swimming in the ocean or lake, going uphill; the reality of rocks and trees and water; the pleasure of observation and finding one's way – these are important aspects of mental health. They help the person reconcile himself to the outside world.
Fresh air and sunshine are wonderful. Rain and snow are wonderful too!
8. Teach him to care about people's well being. Teach even the youngest child to pass food at the table, to notice others' needs — especially the needs of their siblings, who should not be exclusively regarded as competition! Offering to get something for a sibling goes a long way to forming good relations between them. Service heals. Show the child how to comfort the hurts of others and to help them (including animals, e.g. getting them their water and so on).
9. Read stories that reinforce these principles. Fairy tales and good, old-fashioned children's literature will stand you in good stead — and very few of the new; stay away from stories/books/movies that center on how the person needs to be affirmed in his victimhood. My LMLD Library Posts are all oriented towards literature that helps us come to terms with life apart from mother's arms.
Read your young child Bible stories. Read your older child the Bible.
Finally —
10. Don't do bail. Tell your child as he approaches adolescence with its hard lessons of separation from the comfort of home, and I'm mainly speaking to the father here, “Remember, we don't do bail.” Many a dangerous teenage scheme is avoided because in the back of that boy's mind are the words, “Remember, we don't do bail.” Many a wrong choice that lands the kid in jail (and yes, it could happen to your family) will not be fatal if, in answer to the dreaded call, you simply reply, “Sorry, we don't do bail.” A night in jail is better than a life of destructive entitlement.
The child needs the establishment of what could be called a reward circuit, but not by the shallow, destructive means of offering affection or withholding it. Go deeper, don't be manipulative. The narcissist is above all manipulative and maybe it's all he knew. Free him for cooperating with life's challenges by giving him the experience of the satisfaction and happiness of learning self control.
It's the joy of being someone who can do good things, not thrown by circumstances, nor being the victim of his weaknesses (such as addiction and bad habits). The child needs tools to become all this, and the family is uniquely able to give him these tools, forged in affection and the firm conviction of its role.
NB: Before you comment about all the reasons your child is different and actually neuro-divergent, please just… don't. The things I'm saying here are not new and they are not cooked up by me. They are part of the collective memory and people need to hear them. If they don't help you, that's fine, but it's not helpful to others to make me qualify everything.
I obviously can't, in a blog post, thoroughly specify ages and so on for what's appropriate. You'll have to use your common sense. I am happy to discuss all that in the comments!
bits & pieces
- I was on Relevant Radio with Brooke Taylor, talking about The Summa Domestica; we had a great conversation. I'm sorry about the sound quality, as well as the sound quality on my own latest podcast, “Should I give my son a phone” — Spoiler: Auntie Leila says no. But I also talk about the flip side: how we need to build a culture where we connect children to each other in real life. (I promise to use my new microphone from now on.)
- Kennedy Hall with a sweet, funny, and sad article: Contraception and Regret at Red Lobster
- A notoriously difficult subject (in my opinion) for the sacred artist: the Sacred Heart. Would you like to try your hand, or do you know someone who would? Cash prizes at Dappled Things (but there's only a month!): The Sacred Heart Art Competition
- My new Substack: Three overlooked points on Catholic Social Teaching
from the archives
liturgical living
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Ellen says
I really appreciate hearing your thoughts as a thoughtful mother and experienced parent on the cell phone issue. We have been bringing up this topic with friends to see if we can be on the same page with them as our children grow. And also to start others thinking of the serious matters involved if they haven’t already done so. We use something called the Lite phone which can only call or text. The Gabb phone is another similar device that is more suitable for older kids. I like these better than a watch for kids.
Carol Kennedy says
Thinking about the Brownstone article alongside the Kennedy Hall article and we can see that all wrapped up in our fear of death is our unwillingness to welcome children with any level of generosity—thereby making death so much more final and ending. How many families have and will end completely their bloodlines in the coming generations! The Star Trek episode was such an interesting thought experiment—even the childless choose to send the children to safety. It is a decision that says “our civilization/nation/family is good and should continue for future generations” and so we are able to make sacrifices. So much of the prevailing culture choose lifestyle that are anti-child and therefore anti-future. The only way of perpetuating their “civilization” is to force it on others. And, yes, thanks to Phil for articulating what so many of us were thinking. I remember wondering why, if this disease was such an existential threat, the Church wasn’t out front with calls to heroic virtue and conversion to face up to death—and banging the doors of the hospital down in order to bring the sacraments to the dying! Where was the Church I read about in the stories of Saints?
Also, loved the article on the Divine Office. It is so encouraging when praying to know that it is not MY personal prayer (which would be so lame!) but Christ’s prayer to which I unite myself, even when my thoughts are far from my words.
Julie B. says
Thanks for this article. I shared it with my adult children; they are doing a great job parenting, but positive encouragement is always helpful.
Also appreciate your kitchen reno updates. Very interesting and helpful. We are in the planning stage of a kitchen update, and read with interest about your new stove. I have had a 30″ gas stove for many years. We presently have a household of 10 people, and most weeks we have a meal for over 20, so I would love a larger range. (We have 17 children, some of them married). Have you heard anything about Forno ranges?
Blessings to you and yours!
Leila says
Thank you!
Basically, I just didn’t want any electronics in my main range. The Forno ranges look to me like they do have digital functions and also maybe are pricey? Look at the warranties — that tells you a lot.
Other things to consider: if it’s complicated, can you get someone to fix it? Mine is just a gas range. A plumber could fix it or the company will send me a part if it’s something like a knob — I don’t need a repairman for that. Some ranges are such that you can’t get a repairman for it.
I think you would definitely love a 36″ range or even a 48″ one if you have the room for it! Then you’d have two ovens, too.
KP says
As a parent of a diagnosed kid with Autism, I can confirm that these rules all still apply… the expectations of mastery and the motivations for praise and reward are going to be different for neurodivergent kids. This is the disorienting part, but once you get your head around the fact that these kids actually see the world in a different, but predictable way, all these things can be achievable.
Having autism or ADHD is not an excuse to be a miserable jerk.
Anonymous this time but you know me :) says
As a mother of a child diagnosed with ADHD… absolutely! It is not an excuse. I say that to my son all the time haha. It’s information about yourself, similar to knowing you are melancholic or highly sensitive personality type or whatever. There are particular challenges that come with it and knowing can help you find the workarounds. But you still have to do your math and the dishes in a reasonable time, so sorry.
I wanted to comment when you posted this, Leila, but the comments were offline. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this post. I also am the mother of children whose grandparents… well I feel very confident calling all four of them extremely narcissistic. Both my husband and I experienced upbringings that were simultaneously completely inappropriately enmeshed and had outrageous expectations on us to be much more mature than our years. Let’s just say we’ve needed huge boundaries and lots of therapy. But therapy tends not to cover when to let a child struggle with a zipper. Who has time or money for coaching on every tiny aspect of life like that? Well, Auntie Leila is here for it. Like with the shower post, I had to learn everything from the ground up on just being a normal mom. It feels lonely much of the time. And raising a narcissist is a big fear of mine. We can trace the patterns back in our family trees as far as we can reach. But your motherly, kind, encouraging voice has been such a gift and companion for me since I started reading you over ten years ago when I had two babies. Now I’m expecting my seventh, with much less fear than I had my first. May God abundantly reward you, Leila.
Leila says
Thank you! And thanks for your moral support when I was decision-making during the renovation 😉
When we look at people in our lives who we think of as narcissistic, or when we regretfully consider mistakes we’ve made ourselves, we realize they always have to do with not having awareness of what’s outside of us. That’s the human condition, to be sure, but it’s also a defect of development. One way or another, we are going to be made to be aware, now or later. Our challenge as parents is to help our children be aware. We are helped by the natural life of affection we have in the family (an affection that grows as we grow in awareness of each other) and by our natural love for each other. Then there’s the supernatural grace that is offered to us by God.
As parents we need to maximize this and not just react! I truly believe that the child with some sort of “diagnosis” is only going to be helped by the gentle guidance only those who love him can offer. It’s not only for the “normal” — I’d say that the more challenging the child’s behavior or seeming abnormality, the more this direction towards openness to reality will help.
God bless you! I’m glad to hear about the new baby!