Auntie Corner*
Some Auntie thoughts from this week:
Groom your child!
Speaking as someone with sensory issues who, as a child, hated having my hair brushed, I am issuing a call for parents to buckle down to grooming!
Take that boy to the barber. You can also DIY — plenty of videos to help you figure out how to use clippers and scissors for a nice tight trim. I have bought clippers at Marshall's for not much at all, and good sharp hairdresser's scissors, and always cut all my children's hair. Get or do a short fade, because it lasts longer and looks better; leaving a fringe at the bottom just gets you frustrated in a week or so when you realize you have to do it all over again.
Put that girl's hair back with braids, clips, pigtails and ponytails. Learn to French braid or at least just braid. Learn to trim the locks. Keep them tidy!
Some day I will write a post called “In Defense of Rude Strangers,” but let me ask if it's possible that people's negative reactions are a legitimate, if poorly managed and expressed, reaction to a general aura of neglect? Maybe we aren't meaning to neglect our children, but believe me, it helps smooth the way if we demonstrate our care with outward signs. Sometimes people are anxious because they are genuinely worried that we may be lazy or not willing to put in the effort with our children, and they know the implications of such an attitude. They may be wrong!
But are they completely wrong…
Since children just do radiate chaos, we have to make an extra effort to signal to others that we are indeed trying! And yes, society does deserve such signals — think of it as a sort of biological impulse towards preservation of the species.
The process of grooming is filled with anguish for all, but habits can be made if we persevere with firm kindness and a good routine — and the result is a child whose appearance is pleasant to others (including ourselves, and, again, a worthy goal!) and who is free from a vague self-consciousness and stressful sense of a lack of physical boundaries. Otherwise, the lack only increases and becomes a real issue in later youth when the failure to have the habit of self control in the area of grooming has… implications.
Think of a mother cat aggressively licking her kittens. It's natural!
Especially those sensitive children, the ones who put up the most awful fuss, need the feeling of being contained and “tightened up.” I'm just searching for words here, trying to convey, from the inside, how I felt as a child who fought against the effort but appreciated it when it was made — afterwards.
I hated having my hair handled but loved how I felt when it was pulled out of my face. When I got older, my stepmother told me that I would feel better and look better with my hair in a half-pony, and she was right!
I do not understand today's trend of the hair hanging limply around the face (for adults too; even brushed back from the forehead would be a nice change)! And it affects one's facial expression (not positively) when one is not free to move without the perceived and real impediment of the hair poised to obscure one's vision.
A child who has to flick his bangs out of his face all the time is using energy needed elsewhere. Also, be warned — there is a reason in olden times for keeping long hair braided etc.: reduces the risk of picking up lice!
Children should be free from disruptive hair!
Apply what I'm saying here to finger- and toe-nails…
Digital Devices
I am so grieved to hear that even Catholic schools are ditching books for devices.
Please do not for any reason accept an education for your child that involves having him use a computer (Chromebook, Tablet, what have you) rather than books. Auntie Leila has no objection to the occasional 10-20 minute instructional or fun video once in a while (and sometimes has some to recommend), but reminds you that besides the need for books on the shelves, there are brain cells that need the exercise of figuring things out from the written word and sketched diagrams. If we want our children to learn to write, they must read books.
In the 80s and 90s, corporate publishing realized the monetization potential of convincing the public that it needed new books to replace the old, especially in the area of textbooks. Now Big Digital rubs its hands at the prospect of its delicate machinery needing to be upgraded every two years — and obviously, its software.
Anyway, I thought we knew that flickering blue lights are inimical to the child's development?
Real Hugs
I was just remembering the kind of hugs I got when I was a child and hoping that in our weird, disembodied time, people are not forgetting what it feels like.
We are all so worried about managing our children (rather than just disciplining them) that I am afraid we are getting stressed out and may not know the importance — and joy — of giving your child a big hug — let him have a chance to breathe you in – once in a while grab him and give him a hug that rocks him from side to side. Let him have a chance to breathe in and out for a bit while you hold him. Let him let go and then give one more squeeze.
My parenting philosophy: Strict and affectionate! Really affectionate!
Quilting Corner
In my defense I have also been knitting (and will show you soon what I've made!). But at least I started on the sashing!
bits & pieces
- So far The Chief and I are enjoying 100 Days of Dante, a guided course on that epic poem. I studied it in a year-long course in college, but was sadly not formed enough in any aspect of it to get the most out of it then, though I am surprising myself with how much I do remember after more than 40 years! I would consider this course, if accompanied by close reading, including reading aloud, of the actual text along with discussion, a completely valid segment of a high-schooler's literature curriculum. I recommend Anthony Esolen's translation of the poem, as well as Dorothy Sayers‘ (which, however, was not completed before her death). (Affiliate links.)
- I love the St. Margaret of Scotland Guild of Our Lady of Walsingham, preserving and teaching liturgical needle arts for the generations! Their work is beautiful! (Let the page load and you will see, I hope, a short video of what they make: needlepoint prayer kneeler cushions.)
My friend Jennifer has made two such prayer cushions.
This one with the traditional pelican image:
And this one, which she completed just before her daughter's wedding, for the couple to kneel upon:
And her daughter sent this image, seen on her honeymoon, of a prayer cushion in Fairford, England:
- Cranky, but true: Taylor Swift’s Popularity Is A Sign Of Societal Decline
from the archives
- Modesty, another habit that, learned early, prevents a lot of anguish later. “For parents, the challenge with girls is to give them the gift of modesty, which includes protecting their bodies with clothing that is attractive and useful but not revealing. The challenge with boys is to give them enough awareness of their surroundings that they are able to choose the right clothing for the situation, so that they project responsibility and a desire to protect. This is the gift of chivalry.”
- The “gentle parenting” movement — just re-hashed, failed 60s-era disruption — reminds me to say, have a look at my discipline posts, or buy my book for its organization of this topic and index. Here's one post: Don't Wear Your Child's Name Out
liturgical living
St. Peter Claver — the takeaway we normally get is to attend to people's bodily needs before trying to offer them religion, and what strikes me is how immediately the two caring actions followed, the one upon the other, in the case of today's saint. And how effective he was! Our idea of mission today would have us never mentioning the need for salvation; his idea was to rescue the person from actual death, but not much more, before beginning to impart words of sin, repentance, and redemption. And he converted three hundred thousands in this way! (Scroll down to his own account of what he did, here.)
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*Sometimes my critics will say something like “you think you’re the authority on X!” and it makes me laugh, honestly. These are all my opinions! I thought that was obvious. When the Aunties get together (as I remember from the Egyptian part of my childhood**), we say what we think! Agree or disagree! Trying to preserve the collected memory here!
**If you don’t know what I mean by that, I will just briefly say that my parents were divorced and my Egyptian father remarried an Egyptian woman. Where they lived, and where I visited on holidays and for a time every summer, there was a big Arab community (in part because my father brought graduate students and colleagues to work with him at the university where he taught engineering). So there were plenty of aunties around to give their very strong opinions, and honestly it formed a lot of my practical education. Reticence is sometimes overrated.
Jennifer says
Thank you! For some reason, the photo on the podcast webpage is of a mom looking at a screen with her toddler and baby. I do not think this is what you intend! You may want to ask them to change it.
Leila says
Yes, it’s a bit random…
Jennifer says
Thank you so much Leila for your wisdom. I always gain some new insight from reading your words. Sometimes I don’t understand exactly all you are saying, but it elevates my thinking about matters that are important to a housewife. I also want to be well spoken about worldly and Church matters. I appreciate your perspectives. However, I think you are right in saying (on Facebook) that we are not ready for the conversation on CGS. Our hearts can only take so much right now. Let’s let that lie for a while. (Ha!) 😅
Thank your for your work! It matters a great deal.
Jennifer
Leila says
Thanks!
Sometimes I’m not sure what I’m saying either!
xoxo
Janet says
Beautiful needlework! Are you familiar with the St. Martha’s Guild at St. John Cantius parish in Chicago?
https://www.stmarthasguild.com/
I am so glad that there are still craftspeople keeping this alive.
Leila says
This Guild is amazing!
I have it all bookmarked now!
Janet says
I knew you would appreciate the Guild, Leila! So much interesting and useful information on their site, too, for all of us inclined towards the fiber arts.
Becca says
Advice for handling sweet and adorable two-year-old girls who pull their pigtails out at every turn? I already use those tiny rubber bands, as her hair is too slippery to hold anything else. I just can’t bring myself to cut bangs!
Leila says
A cute bob! Cut it so that it’s chin length, a bit higher in the back (in the end it will be level, but if you make it lower in the back it will look odd and amateurish — aim for shorter).
Then one of those clips that snaps into place to keep the bangs back.
Victoria says
I totally feel the pain of not wanting to cut bangs, it’s not my favorite look, but I cut bangs for my daughter again last week after yet another failed attempt to let her grow her hair out and keep it up. It really is liberating!
Laura P. says
One item that I have found really helpful for children’s hair is a “continuous spray” spray bottle – it sprays for 3-5 seconds with a single pump. It sounds like such a silly thing, but it is so simpler than a normal spray bottle.
I find it much easier to work with damp hair rather than dry, and the finished product always looks much neater. All of my children have slightly curly hair, so this also helps refresh the hair and really helps the boys’ longer hair not look as scruffy as it does otherwise.
Thank you for the continued wisdom!
Leila says
I am not familiar with this type of bottle, but it sounds like just the thing.
I learned with my eldest daughter, Rosie, and her frothy curls as a little one, that there was no substitute for a spray bottle! Without it, she was a bit of a mop. With it, she was transformed into an adorable little angel!
Caitlin says
I cannot agree more about the hair thing. My six year old girl has beautiful, long, thick hair, but she hates having it up. It’s often tangled and she gets food in it. If he argues with me about putting it up I will have to make her get a bob (when she was three I did cut it chin-length, and it was absolutely adorable. Her younger sister still has her bob and it’s so sweet-looking.) Unfortunately it just slithers right out of a braid though…I’ve got to up my braiding game.
Some moms my age, particularly in the homeschool/gentle parenting/Wild and Free milieu, seem to think their little boys look sweet and unspoiled with longish wild hair. Lord forgive me but it always gives me the impression that the moms maybe think just a little too highly of their wee little princes. Or they’re doing it for Instagram.
A friend of mine once complimented me on how my children dress. They are never fancy but I confess I am a bit of a stickler for weather-appropriate clothing, bike shorts under the skirts, no wildly-clashing patterns or tacky cartoon character shirts. I don’t need them to be fashion plates, but I don’t want them to look like motherless children, either! Or like laundry hampers 🙂
Looking forward to listening to the podcast episode. I always enjoy getting to hear your voice!
Leila says
The motherless child thing is real! And the motherly affection for little boys’ curls is also a thing. However, when those curls become a factor in being able to see or do things without having to push them out of the face continually, mother needs to rein herself in!
Mrs. T says
We have 7 boys and 2 girls. The 16 yr old boy is in dire need of a haircut, but to no avail. His father and I have both told him it looks messy and unkempt, but he refuses to have it cut. He is so intent on looking different than us and having his own style, but he’s not doing a very good job of it. I’m slightly mortified when I see him on the altar serving Sunday Mass. The other boys are kept short and basic, although I see the 13-year-old trending toward the longer hair… I remember my brothers going through that phase, but then it passed. Any tips on allowing them to “style” themselves while keeping it reasonable? Talking strictly hair here.
My three-year-old daughter has a chin length bob with bangs. We call it the Dora the Explorer haircut. Cute and simple. A quick brush through in the morning and she’s all set. Low maintenance. Our other daughter is an infant, with the crazy newborn spiked mullet style hair, haha!
Several of my boys are the outdoorsy type and spend hours in the woods, at the pond fishing, catching toads, snakes, gutting, fish, etc. you name it! They leave after breakfast, pop in for lunch and are out until dinner. It is very common for them to come back covered in mud and smelling of fish. There is not much grooming going on, other than peeling off the muddy clothes and washing their hands when they come in. A work in progress!
I have to add, I do really like your reminders on hugging. I find myself so busy sometimes, managing the children and the home, but I forget to sit down and give them good, deep hugs. I can’t remember the last time I hugged my older boys!
Donna L. says
Hello Fellow-Mom of teen boys! 🙂
Have you tried “extrinsic motivation”, yet?
I say to my young man, “Hey, how about if we zip by the Barber Shop, then I’ll take you to lunch at Connie’s Cafe-my treat?” It almost always works, and then, he feels better because his hair is thick, dark and shiny – so, with a great haircut {not shave, please} he looks more mature {which I tell him}
I know that people say “pick your battles”, but having our teens/children/young adults look clean and neat in appearance is a gift we can give them. Many 16 year-olds will fight this, but you are still the boss/Mom/parent and have the right to expect a modicum of respect and obedience– They may not thank us until they are 30, but oh well! At least you will like looking at them during these years! Hang in there, everyone, and God bless you!
Mrs. T says
Extrinsic motivation. Putting that one in my back pocket!
Leila says
Yes, hug them!!!
My eldest went through a long-hair phase at that age as well. It had to do with playing lacrosse, I think!
I told him that all I cared about was that it was not in his eyes. So he dutifully brushed it back from his head and popped a baseball cap on when it was wet! Curly at the ends, too funny!
He did grow out of that. All I care about is that they not be constantly swiping at their faces or looking out at you (meaning, not making eye contact) from under shaggy bangs.
Ellen says
I recall reading a book about the teacher Marva Collins in which she would correct and teach and model for her students how to keep themselves neat. She would brush hair back from their faces and tell them something encouraging about seeing their beautiful face. She told the girls if they painted their nails to keep the polish fresh. Chipped nails look like dirty hands and you will give a boss (or a date) the impression that you are a dirty person. Her words escape me but i have a strong recollection of why and what she tried to teach about this. I liked from her – and from this blog! – that we as mothers should be giving a child a vision for the future. We are building habits that matter now and will matter more as they grow up. Virtue too! I did not realize how hard it would be to get their hair brushed every day! My 2 year old is easier though because her bigger sisters make a fuss over her hair styles so she is excited to have bows and things in her hair and leaves it in a bit longer.
Leila says
Yes, Marva Collins had a big effect on me!
And I confess I do not like nail polish on children. My father made a big point of telling me that such things (e.g. makeup) would be a factor for me soon enough, and to enjoy just being a child.
Ellen says
My husband has said the same thing about our girls regarding nail polish. I’m glad he drew the line on that cause i couldn’t do it myself. I had a dear religious sister as a principal when i was a teacher who held the line about no makeup/ nail polish/ dyed hair in our school thru 8th grade. She would say to let them be young as long as possible. Thank you for all you do and teach!
Carolyn says
Auntie Leila! I was just realizing that I need a “braids every day” rule for my 7 year old daughter. She likes to do her own hair (only in a headband or big clip or ponytail), which I sort of want to encourage, but inevitably she takes it out halfway through the day and becomes a ragamuffin.
This week we were at the park many times, soaking up the sun, and my four kids are now those “homeschooled kids” with bare feet and scraggly hair. Well, at least I can fix the hair! Today I insisted that the two girls’ long hair be neatened and constrained, and honestly I think it helped increase our overall appeal to the other park-goers.
Leila says
You know, sometimes long unconfined hair can be dangerous! Especially around equipment — playground or otherwise.
Oh, and I didn’t bring up my detestation of long hair dangling over food! There are some influencers out there — grown women! — whose hair is hanging over the dish they are preparing… < shudders >
Cate Nunan says
Thank you for all the links that you include. I live in country Australia and am often greatly blessed by something I watch or read on your recommendation. The Needlepoint video from the Ordinariate was a delight and reminded me of a wonderful, meticulously researched historical novel I read that was about this very art form – but in bonny England. What an important effort – God loves beauty and He also loves skilful hands, as seen in the Exodus descriptions of the temple work. I also say a resounding YES to the grooming, especially of young girls. My 5 year old granddaughter also complains that it hurts when I brush and groom her long hair but I know she prefers feeling this way and it does affect her self confidence. And yes also to keeping an eagle eye on the finger nails and toe nails. She now knows that we check them every week. I am a member of the Lifecraft Patreon and it is lovely to see you featuring John’s work. Blessings, Cate Nunan
Marissa K says
Please share what that novel was called!!!
Cate Nunan says
https://www.tchevalier.com/a-single-thread-background
It is “A Single Thread” by Tracy Chevalier, based on real life events in Winchester post WWI and at the Cathedral there. Being real life, there are a few plot lines that are not what I would agree with – an extra marital affair – but I see their necessity in portraying the reality of life for the surplus women of that era. t is a novel I re read and have on my Kindle due to the fact it is historical fiction but also because I learned so much about bell ringing, needlepoint and how women faced up to their new normal.
Marissa says
Thank you!
Leila says
Thank you!
K says
Auntie Leila, have you seen this parody at McSweeney’s? Gentle Parenting in Classic Literature: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/gentle-parenting-in-classic-literature
I couldn’t breathe by the time I finished laughing. I don’t know which one is my favorite. Probably Miss Havisham, except for all the others too.
Leila says
Oh that is priceless!
Anamaria says
Crime and punishment!! Too much. That was amazing.
Emily says
Alas, to the point of hair… I guess this is the ONE advantage of having children who don’t seem to grow much hair until they are three years old… It can only get so disheveled. One day my poor girls will have some hair. Until then I’ll be awkwardly explaining to the overly chatty ushers at church that “I don’t think this child will be a priest one day because… yes, she is a girl! (hence the skirt and pink shoes with hearts…).”
There was a mom I knew when I was pregnant with my first who had three young ones. She always had an effortless style about herself. You looked at her and didn’t think she spent all morning getting dressed, she wore no make up that I could notice, but she just had the “je nais se quois.” She often wore dresses and skirts, not fussy ones, but practical and charming. Even when wearing jeans, she seemed to somehow elevate them. Her children similarly seemed to radiate that charm, most especially in their manners and habits of speech. She has stuck deeply in my memory over the past few years.
I’ve also realized the public interactions and judgment applied to myself, when it comes to grooming and possessing a manner of control. I had the realization at some point that if I look a little extra put together, the way people interact with me in public seems to change. And I don’t mean when I’m alone, I mean when I am with my 3 kids under the age of 4!!! If I look oddly put together and calm for a mother of three small (groomed) children when I am at Costco, peoples’ eyes seem to widen in wonder, and they smile differently. They speak to us differently.
I’d readily admit that how I get dressed in the morning (and the kids) affects my home life. So I must also acknowledge that it is going to impact the way the rest of the world interacts with us when we are out. We don’t need to be extravagant, just thoughtful. Even if I am in the middle of disciplining or finding a quick exit strategy because my loud two year old is very close to losing self-control and the baby is starting that panicked whine, I can manage it in a way that shows others I am in control. Looking like a respectable person is the cherry on top when others are sneaking peaks at these interactions. I will not be overly bothered and embarrassed by these normal challenges of raising children. And I think people are more likely to view them as normal when we all look “normal.” It’s not easy, but it’s possible. I am trying to not allow myself to become defeated about having my children in public because of the interactions with strangers that it necessarily entails.
Leila says
I hear you on the hair: One of my daughters had abundant hair at birth and instead of having it gradually give way to “big girl hair,” it just fell out when she was about 2 1/2 or 3, and there was a good 4 month period of baldness before her new, also abundant hair grew in.
People gave me the saddest, most pitiable looks and I had to assure them that she was not about to expire.
Another one of my daughters simply did not have hair until she was 2 1/2. It is now abundant (she’s 26).
Somehow, to speak to your other comments, we’ve swallowed the lie that trying to look nice is of no account, and we should all just accept whatever external appearance others and we would like to offer. The evidence is in. This attitude is not making things nicer, nor is it helping us appreciate each other.
Whitney says
My baby girl is 18 months old and I cannot for the life of me keep her hair out of her eyes!
I have used the flat clips, alligator clips with bows, and little tiny clear elastic bands that I can barely get my fingers on.
She pulls them out.
Please help.
Donna L. says
How about cute bangs? I used to have to trim my girls hair quietly when they took a nap–I had my hair cutting scissors in the car! I would lift the bang area of hair up and away from her face, gently twist it to bring the ends together, and snip! Good luck and may God bless you, and your family~
Leila says
Whitney, later on you want to avoid bangs, but they are just fine on a toddler whose hair is getting long. As long as you give her a bob overall, the bangs won’t be hard to grow out when she’s up for keeping a barrette in it.
The trick is to cut the bangs no further than just a smidge beyond the temple just next to the eye. Don’t venture much further in towards her ears!
Rachael says
I personally hate the need to look nice for others thing, however, people are way nicer to me in the store when we come from church than when we come from home😂. So despite the fact that I don’t like it, it is a reality of life. Teaching those hygienic habits is a real struggle for me but I’m trying and you inspired me to try again. It’s worth it.
Leila says
Haha well, we owe it to ourselves to make a little effort! It’s just charity!
Cirelo says
I think getting dressed goes deeper. I think it’s more about “let it begin with me” than “dress to impress.” And what is beginning is demonstrating to ourselves and the world that we have dignity and are worth taking care of well! Nobody else can take care of us, we have to care for ourselves.
Sarah says
I really appreciated this and went and cut my boys’ hair and trimmed their nails after it! And I really do start to appreciate the concern of strangers, though it’s hard sometimes. Like most of us, I live where a pack of children is unusual and raises eyebrows. I guess I could do community service and be a good ambassador by handing my kids a nail brush! My dear grandmother lived in the South and wore pearls to the grocery store. She was mortified when I wore overalls to shop once. I laughed at the time, but I start to see her point…30 years later. Time to clean up and be a good example!
Thanks, Auntie Leila!
Helena says
May I recommend to my fellow mothers of many girls, the “wet brush detangler”? Game changer!
Mary says
Hello Leila—in “Mornings on Horseback “ Teddy Roosevelt‘s southern maternal grandma would say she was having a melt which was the signal for a big hug from the nearest grandchild.
Lol
I do this too 🙂
Ann says
I loved this post! Full of practical wisdom and advice!