It's been raining so dang much that I haven't been in the garden enough to show you what's going on. But one thing is that I have a little bed devoted to cutting flowers and certain perennials, mostly bee balm (the picture just above). I started these various flowers from seed and put them in the corner of my vegetable garden, in hopes that I would notice them enough to be sure they get enough water and can be cut back so they produce more blooms.
They got enough water.
When something that is not a weed sprouts up, I often can't bear to pull it out. So there are some tomatoes and squash growing there too, which is just daft.
I will cut the strawflowers for dried arrangements inside — they are so charming, and basically grow already dried.
My long-term hope is to fill out my big perennial bed by the house enough so that I don't have to weed in it as much! This year I will have three varieties of bee balm to work with.
Auntie Corner
Sometimes my critics will say something like “you think you're the authority on X!” and it makes me laugh, honestly. These are all my opinions! I thought that was obvious. When the Aunties get together (as I remember from the Egyptian part of my childhood*), we say what we think! Agree or disagree! Trying to preserve the collected memory here!
Anyway, here are some thoughts that randomly occurred to me this week (or not so randomly, when someone messaged me with a question):
Let your little ones fall down!
Once I encountered a family in which the mother and father stressfully followed their sturdy, plump little 15-month-old old around, “rescuing” him from tumbles. It was absurd. Toddlers are very bounceable. And they need to struggle up and down off of chairs and coffee tables, fall down a few stairs (put the gate ever higher), reach and not quite make it on rocks, run a bit too fast down the path, and so on.
You can show them how to go down a couple of stairs by moving their bodies at the top so that they are on their tummies and going feet first; I wouldn't let them stand up on plastic lawn chairs, hanging themselves over the back (having had a trip to the hospital for stitches to the lip because we weren't paying attention), but don't protect them from normal low-to-the-ground sorts of spills. In other words, common sense.
They need to develop their spacial awareness regarding edges and tops of flights of stairs and so on as early as possible — and they will. Keep an eye on them, but also let them struggle and fall in manageable situations. Even falling out of bed is an important learning experience. Put the mattress on the floor so they learn to sleep without rolling off.
As any adult who has fallen recently will tell you, it's no joke. Better to learn — even getting a few bruises and cuts — when you are three feet tall than when you are a brittle old anxious (or clumsy, like me) person.
I think widespread daycare has changed people's scale of what sorts of mishaps are normal for a young child. Let's put some common sense back into the mix.
Don't comment that maybe I am not aware of some issue the child had. I discussed it with the parents — they just didn't think he should get hurt! Silly! Counter-productive! Don't let this happen to your child… let him fall down!
Are you making enough food?
I was watching a favorite homesteading show and the mom was demonstrating some of their family meals. They looked delicious and wonderful — but Auntie Leila says there wasn't quite enough of it.
One reason your children are always hunting for snacks is the lack of sturdy sides in meals.
If you are going to make grain bowls, for instance, you also need a good amount of hearty (preferably sourdough) bread and butter to go with it. If it's tacos, there should be rice and butternut squash (with lots of butter) or (or maybe and) corn on the side. And bread and butter or extra tortillas with cream cheese. Eggs by themselves are not filling. Kids need potatoes with them, and cheese, and meat, and bread and butter… I think that adults can limit their carbs and probably need to. Children need a lot of hearty food, especially if they are working and playing all day! Give them a (homemade) cookie!
A reader asked about keeping babies warm in winter.
Of course I have lots of posts about this (and chapters in my books), but I will just say that your body (and your husband's body) is the best way to keep an infant warm. Layer yourself up with a cotton under layer so you can avoid feeling stifled, but one of the most liberating things if you live somewhere cold is to realize once and for all that being warmer is nicer! Wool socks, leggings under your skirt, corduroy or wool pants or skirt, cotton camisole plus cotton long-sleeved shirt plus wool sweater equals being okay with freezing temperatures. A warm scarf will help you get through to May. If you are warm, you will keep your baby warm.
For the baby, cotton leggings with woolen leggings over, and long sleeved onesies, helps them to be cozy. Keep their little feet warm.
Keep them changed — a wet diaper makes for a cold baby. Disposable diapers wick the wetness away from the skin in a somewhat deceptive way; overall the whole thing is stealing his body heat. But when you change him, keep the upper part of his body covered. Don't have him lie there naked. Warm him up against your skin after a change. If he just can't stop nursing and fretting, it might be that he is chilled. His mottled skin will tell the tale. Nurse him and then wrap him up cozily without letting any drafts get under his clothing if you are putting him down.
Get a sheepskin for the stroller, carriage, cot, floor so that the baby is protected from drafts.
I favor quilted cotton sleep sacks because older babies kick covers off, but always carry receiving blankets and a warmer blanket made of real (soft) wool or alpaca so that you can protect him as you go from car to house or if you realize that it happens to be colder than you thought it would be.
Coincidentally, I had come across this famous photo:
It's so wonderful — you can read about it here. (These 1963 Parisian children are watching a puppet show and St. George has just slain the dragon!)
Of course what struck my knitting heart right away is the ubiquitous presence of warm woolens, combined, charmingly, with shorts! Attesting to the ability of wool to regulate body temperature — and the need for children to be unhampered as they run around!
Quilting Corner
I sewed some patches together, and now am trying to arrange them! I have more, too… There will be a sashing… I will show you next week (if I remember!).
*If you don't understand what I mean by that, I will just briefly say that my parents were divorced and my Egyptian father remarried an Egyptian woman. Where they lived, and where I visited on holidays and for a time every summer, there was a big Arab community (in part because my father brought graduate students and colleagues to work with him at the university where he taught engineering). So there were plenty of aunties around to give their very strong opinions, and honestly it formed a lot of my practical education. Reticence is sometimes overrated.
bits & pieces
- Antifeminism can be as toxic as feminism by Eric Sammons. We have to stop seeing marriage as a conflict.
- I was interviewed for this piece on living liturgically (and how homeschooling helps)
- Why it's not a good idea to see the Barbie movie (you probably weren't going to, but this video gives some important reasons why it's darker than you might have thought)
- I had posted this article about misdiagnosing (vs. treating, a distinction that was the source of some irrelevant commentary here — the issue is the diagnosis) autism years ago, and due to the nature of my (barely existent) organization here, had trouble finding it again when I wanted to reference it. I'm re-upping: That's not autism: It's simply a brainy, introverted boy: Autism spectrum diagnoses are up 78 percent in 10 years. We're dramatically overdiagnosing it in everyday behavior. (I think the rate is much higher now; the article was written 10 years ago. A Catholic psychologist friend, who has a clinical practice with children, vouches for the author's insight.)
from the archives
- I feel the burden of homeschooling
- How to dress your child in colder weather (and I get that you might live somewhere warm, but you maybe need to know in case you get caught out; you might have heat in house and car, but what if they don't work; you and/or your child might run hot, but there are some objective dangers to being in the cold for a long time)
- How to dress yourself!
- Getting the house ready for cold weather Maybe I'm not the only one who doesn't want to waste heating money?
liturgical living
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Emily says
This comment is very specific to your article linked about misdiagnosing autism, but I’ve found it a little strange the amount of online comments I see in which people say “as an autistic man/woman…”
There just seems to be so much of it all of a sudden. Especially from women. But from what I can tell of these people and what they claim about themselves, they don’t seem very “autistic” at all to me… especially when you know families with children who are very much on the “spectrum” as they say. It seems like there is a push in claiming that many with autism now have the “invisible” disability that we love to talk about today. I don’t know… I don’t want to demean anyone’s struggles they are going to, but I’m not convinced some of these people are getting the moral or behavioral help they really need, and are just being labeled autistic.
Again, what do I know… this is all rather anecdotal, but it’s seeming like the new “cool” way to describe yourself sometimes. “Neurodiversity” seems like the new buzzword.
Jessica says
Along with this, the increase in women saying they have ADHD – perhaps instead modern society has taken us so far from how we are supposed to live and we can’t keep up? Or maybe we are all just kind of quirky and don’t need to slap a diagnosis on every single thing (especially if using it as a scapegoat for bad tendencies that could be overcome with striving towards virtue).
Nik says
I’ve been doing lots of research to help one of my children, and I’ve realized that a lot of behavior that’s pathologized is just NORMAL KID BEHAVIOR and a lot of the “strategies” to help manage it is just normal parenting – that no one remembers how to do anymore! I’ll include myself in that group, so I’m blessed by this blog of course and common sense reminders like “Tell your kids what you’re going to do,” “Have a plan for the day,” “Keep your calendar visible to the family.”
The rise in women with ADHD is supposedly due to it being underdiagnosed in younger girls because it presents differently than in boys, but the strategies are the same sort of common sense reminders to “deal” with it – have a weekly plan, write down what you want to remember, have routines in place, keep a planner, set a timer.
And the number one piece of advice I’ve seen is to spend lots of time outside – how true for every kid and adult! My conclusion after these months of research is that we’re living in a strange time that demands things of us that we are not equipped for, namely spending hours in front of a screen or sitting in a desk, and my job as mom is to make a different, better life for my kids.
One question about eating well which feels silly to ask. I find my kids are rowdier at bedtime when they’ve had a carb-heavy dinner. How do I offset that? They prefer to fill up on rice and bread instead of the main attraction. They’re not picky and I’m grateful for that, but they’ll go wild on the bread FIRST if it’s at the table. No bread unless they’ve cleared their meal first? Bread and butter for dessert?
Thanks, Auntie Leila! I think it’s my first time commenting. You’re such a blessing to my family!
Leila says
Dear Nik — all you say is true. Preceded by “be married to the child’s other parent” — truly, many, many issues with children that are dealt with by teachers and doctors have to do with serious disorders in family life. The professional can’t do anything about it (or so he thinks — societal pressure actually would help), so instead focuses on the child (usually by offering medication).
Otherwise, orderly life is the best solution. Sure, there are children who can cope with some chaos. Order exists for the outliers (and the ones who could cope do better as well). Let’s stop accepting attrition.
As to food, parents have to strategize, for sure. For example, friends of mine would give in to children’s clamor for food ahead of dinnertime by offering bowls of cereal (and then wonder why they ate so little at the meal) — I would make the salad first and say they could eat that if they couldn’t wait.
Bread and butter after the main meal works fine. Whatever you think is best!
I’m just saying that where we are talking about children over the age of 7 who are out there helping in the garden, stacking wood, playing hard, and what have you, serving up a few tacos is not going to be enough. People get used to their littles being picky and so on and don’t quite realize that older kids need heartier meals.
Bernadette says
I have actually thought about this very same thing! I have several mom friends recently diagnosed with ADHD.. in their late 30’s, early 40’s! When I’ve thought about myself, I think I could probably get a diagnosis if I pushed for it. I’m not going to seek one – mostly because I’ve seen it can become a possible cop-out for not taking full responsibility for my duties/actions, and I want to not tempt myself with that. But when I honestly think about why I seem to check off all the ADHD boxes, a lot of it comes down to (for me) chronic overstimulation, poorly formed executive functioning skills, lack of clear objectives, and bad diet/lack of movement. Blogs and social media have just exacerbated mental overstimulation and fatigue in myself, so I have to be very careful about my spending my time on either platform. I can be distracted all day long thinking about an ongoing comment or interaction online and that takes up bandwidth and I get worse at handling my daily life. And I’m already not great at it because how did I prepare for my vocation as wife and mother? By doing everything I possibly could to follow my own interests and activities. Realigning myself to motherhood was a real culture shock I’m still growing out of…hence why I read LMLD 🙂
Rozy says
I love your comment and explanation of the “Aunties”. One of our sons was telling me that his wife is resistant to my advice because she doesn’t want to do things “my way.” I told him that it wasn’t my way, it was the way of wise women from whom I’d learned! Thank you for preserving the collective memory and helping wives and mothers learn from wise women.
And I totally agree that toddlers need to experience the bumps and bruises of learning to move around. Our grandchildren almost always cry because they’ve been trained by their mother, “Oh, do you get bumped? Oh, poor baby.” I used to say to my children who fell down, “Jump up, it’s okay.” Little ones learn to react to the emotions of their mother (or other caregiver). If a child is truly hurt, they wail immediately, without looking at mom to see what her reaction is.
Olivia says
I agree with the advice on having enough food! I find that if I serve two starchy/carby sides, we can stretch that meat so much farther. As their appetites fluctuate, the colourful veggies and meat stay about the same and the carby energy foods fill in the gaps. With food prices being high, I appreciate that they are cheap and often are very nice left over. I find my children out eat a lot of their peers at meals, but we also usually have just one snack time. I truly cannot keep up with the dishes/clean up otherwise!
Carol Kennedy says
The Auntie story reminded us of this Bertie Wooster quote: As a rule, you see, I’m not lugged into Family Rows. On the occasions when Aunt is calling to Aunt like mastodons bellowing across primeval swamps… the clan has a tendency to ignore me.
Leila says
To the silly (ie. Bertie), “Aunts aren’t gentlemen!!”
Diana says
My goodness – I read your quote, Carol, and then the very next day ran across that quote in my current Jeeves & Wooster – and recognized it immediately. Thank you for sharing!!
Nicole says
I love strawflowers! They are just such a fun texture. It’s funny that you’re getting so much rain; meanwhile down here in VA we’re having a record drought! lol. I did have success this summer with sweet little globe amaranths which have a very similar “papery” texture to strawflowers and last ages in a vase.
Thank you for the article on anti-feminism/trad-wives. This was something I had been feeling for awhile after reading/hearing some weird-sounding stuff from Catholic “influencers” who are very anti-feminist (which is good!), but say bizarre things about marriage, such as husbands should never be doing dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc.. I really appreciated Eric’s viewpoint.
And the black and white photos are darling. I wish this style of dressing children was still mainstream; I’m sick of the stretchy/spandexy/thin/flimsy children’s options available!
Dandelion says
I’m with you on brainy, introverted kids not needing a diagnosis. Just let them be who they are. Diagnosis is for when the situation is bad enough that you need specialist help. I say this as a brainy, introverted woman, married to a brainy, introverted man, and mother of just one (out of three!) brainy, introverted boy (it was a bit of a shock to us when the other two turned out completely normal!). My husband has the diagnosis to go with it– his parents were forced into that because he would otherwise have been kicked out of school for saying boneheadedly inappropriate things, in classic Aspie fashion. Instead, he was medicated and allowed to finish school. Very unfortunate. Probably unavoidable.
However.
It can still be extremely helpful to educate yourself about autism, if you find that you, or your child, are brainy, introverted, and socially inept. It’s a useful label for finding helpful advice. For us, sure, maybe it’s not bad enough to need special services, but in addition to brainy and introverted… there are also some definite sensory issues, a lot of anxiety around routines (and the changing thereof), and frankly, we all just needed more explicit instruction on social niceties than most people. We don’t pick it up by watching what other people do. We have to be told, sometimes repeatedly. There are also some comorbidities to be aware of even in kids who are so high-functioning they don’t need an official dx. People “on the spectrum” have a much higher incidence of migraine (I got my first at age 11, and had no idea how to explain it to my parents. So I hid the problem for years), epilepsy, PCOS (in girls), sensory processing abnormalities (hyperacute senses, dyslexia, synaesthesia, prospagnosia, “chat lag”, visual snow, and so much more!) and probably a few other things. As a parent, it’s not a bad idea to brush up on what those conditions look like, so that if your kid has trouble with it, you’ll know what you’re seeing.
My own mother was convinced that I was always ignoring her, because I made poor eye contact and was very slow to respond when she talked to me. I was well into adulthood before I was able to work out the bad feelings so engendered and have a reasonable adult relationship with her. Actually I just can’t hear what people are saying if I look them in the eye– it’s like I can operate on the visual channel or the auditory channel, but not both at once– and I just hear slower than normal. Add in a little background noise and it’s even worse. She’d say “Please take out the laundry and get the dry things off the line” and I’d stand there gawping for several long seconds while I processed the request (because there was a box fan going in the room, and it took me a while to sort out the words from the noise), and then before I could respond, she’d have launched into the angry “are you even listening to me?” or “Earth to Dandelion, come in Dandelion, do you read me?” and I’d get flustered and not know how to respond at all… disaster. She expected normal responses like my siblings’. I couldn’t perform them. It absolutely torched our relationship.
You may not require a diagnosis– and I’m very much on the side of avoiding unnecessary labels– but please, for the love of Pete, at least read up on it, just in case. There’s often a bit more to it thant just brainy and introverted.
Sarah says
Bless you! This perspective was helpful to me. Thanks!
Annie says
When my twins were about 20 months old, we moved within walking distance of an excellent park with lots of climbing equipment that was juuuust a bit challenging for their age and size. I joke that my role at that park was to make all the other parents nervous, since I was (am) not physically able to hover over BOTH children! They both became totally capable of conquering and pretty much every element of it by age 2. It amazes me seeing the physical and spatial adeptness they have gained!
Diana says
Thanks for the link to the article about anti-feminism – it’s important. I have called myself an anti-feminist for years – since high school, actually, which was a very long time ago! – but the trad-wife stuff coming out goes into the territory of “responding to an evil by creating the mirror-image evil.” I saw similar trends when we were Protestants. The whole thing is rather like the body positivity movement – instead of responding to “praising anorexic bodies” culture with praising healthy bodies, we swing to the opposite evil of praising obesity. That kind of pendulum-swing response is something that needs to be avoided.
You always have such good advice – love your bit about feeding kids. Right now we’re fighting the battle of keeping kids at the table to eat. What usually happens here is that kids aren’t interested in eating, ignore their food, and want to go play – and then drive us crazy by showing up 20 minutes later claiming that they are possibly going to DIE RIGHT NOW if they don’t get something to eat. So we’ve started setting a timer – no leaving before the timer goes off. We also are having kids who do leave the table sit on the couch with a book, so that the sight of them off playing doesn’t distract those still at the table from eating. The issue you mention – having enough food, and food of good quality to support kids’ activity and growth, is another issue to tackle – it’s so very different from what we adults (who are usually trying to lose weight!) need.
Opinionated aunts – love it!
Thank you for these weekly posts – I always love them, and always learn something. You are much appreciated.
M says
Regarding more mealtime food: yes! I see these “family dinner menus” on recipe blogs serving lettuce wraps….and? And nothing!
Leila says
What on earth! Then they wonder why the children are cranky!