We're still trying to get to the bottom of whatever glitch it is here that makes clicks open spam, so for now how about some little thoughts with no links, sorry!
But I was thinking about a certain New York Times article… I still have the tab open because I have been trying to put my finger on what troubles me about it. (If you want to read it, search What It Really Takes to Breastfeed a Baby. If you are not a subscriber, get archive.ph, which will pull it up for you. Again, linking here isn't working well, sorry. Can you say “she doesn't monetize her blog” haha)
The article is about breastfeeding and the recent updated American Academy of Pediatrics guidelines, following four nursing women as they, apparently, put the guidelines into practice.
Set aside for the moment the notion that something as fundamental to our nature as feeding our young would be determined by a group of medical professionals (as opposed to the valid observations and information they could offer on medical problems that interfere with this natural process); one wonders what qualifies doctors to make breezy policy recommendations such as “paid leave, more support for breastfeeding in public and child care facilities and workplace support…”
“To find out what it takes to breastfeed a baby, The New York Times followed four mothers for a day as they nursed, pumped and supplemented their milk with formula.”
The women interviewed see the value in offering their babies mother's milk, apparently because of guidelines such as the AAP's, although they even go so far as expressing some joy! — but fall in with the premise of the article, feeling the frustration of doing something they ought to (breastfeeding their babies) while also working. (Or at least the Times portrays them as doing so — who knows, the legacy media being what they are. These ladies may have had an entirely different point of view and it could very well not have come through the media filter.)
In every case, even the last one where the mother has a somewhat flexible situation, the stress of meeting the claims of outside commitments combined with the demands of the child are found to be too much. One gets the impression that working mothers will muddle through, but not willingly subject themselves to the pressures again by having more children, and indeed our national birth rate bears that impression out. Lurking behind it all is a sense of doom and disaster, or at least of letting themselves down, if they fail to muddle.
And I realized that our society has produced, has manufactured a serious obstacle to the proper feeding of babies and to the well being of families by a complete lapse of the collective memory. These women, the author, and the readership of the New York Times seem to have no other paradigm for womanhood than that of a working person, even as they glimpse the value of nurturing a child in the way that nature intended. The fathers, it goes without saying, are not consulted. (There seems to be one lurking in the background of one of the photos, carrying a toddler; the vague implication seems to be that the high-powered woman, a doctor, can have three children and breastfeed them according to guidelines because he helps with child care.)
Work, paid work, is the only possibility for women, for mothers. Feminism has defined the terms, and no other terms are allowed.
The one sort of breastfeeding mother it seems not to have occurred to the New York Times to consult is the one who simply does not work, but who is supported by her husband. Consequently, the experience she might have is not represented in the article.
I wonder if they know that such mothers exist.
I can feel my critics' throats tightening with their objection: Why shouldn't a man have these same pressures; why can't society do something to level the field? Why are women still not perfectly happy in the workplace? Why do you say this about women only?! What about equality?
But maybe all this discontent and conflict is not the fault of society that unaccountably, after all this time and all this propaganda, resists the obvious solution of waving its magic policy wand.
Maybe, instead, we irrationally rejected prioritizing a way of life that allows the mother — and her husband — to step right out of the constriction of outside claims, of work, and most fatally, of regarding the baby as an emblem of unfair demand on her.
The man doesn't have the same internal stress as the woman because he is made by God to work, to do, to act, to provide, and to protect — but not to nurse the baby at his breast.
The woman, if she takes on the man's burden of provision , carries it along with her own maternal desires, and the child inevitably becomes the problem, despite what she cannot suppress, even to the New York Times: her love, her satisfaction at being the one to give him her milk, her happiness in the knowledge of being wanted and needed, her inner desire to give of herself without stint.
The problem is summed up in this one quote, at the end, when the author's point of view has clearly had enough with sustaining any effort to portray the relationship between mother and child as necessary, especially to the child, and perhaps defining for the mother:
“Breastfeeding is a full-time, unpaid job. It’s time-consuming. It’s physically draining. It’s not free, nor can every parent do it — it’s not like turning a tap on,” she said. “I want my body back.”
Having reduced even this elemental, necessary human activity to “a job” and further, having long ago rejected the possibility of the one-income family, supported by the husband's earnings, managed by the wife, oriented to home and children, as hopelessly outdated, so 50s, and simply not feasible or even thinkable, and having assumed that a certain standard and pace, of living is a universal given, those who decide these things reduce the issue to a false dichotomy: Work and try to figure out how to breastfeed the child or work and give up on trying to figure out how to breastfeed the child — and above all, blame the state, the vague all-powerful authorities, for not figuring it out. All bolstered by new guidelines from “the experts.”
But the simple truth is that all those particular difficulties (not, mind you, every difficulty!) disappear when the husband commits to providing for his wife and baby, and together, husband and wife commit to living more simply if that's what circumstances dictate.
Living simply removes the (perceived) necessity of the whole struggle depicted in the article — pumping, figuring out daycare, meshing the boss's schedule with the baby's, not sleeping at night but still needing to be functional during the day in a job (and never getting a nap and still having to do all the other duties of a wife).
What's called for is taking a good look at what our society insists is the life we must lead and judging it on terms other than what it holds. Even if that judgment involves what it would call “sacrifice” — at least we wouldn't sacrifice our happiness.
Am I oversimplifying “living simply”? Maybe.
But someone has to say it. We don't have to take a completely unprecedented attempt to change human nature across the board and try to solve its resultant complexities with even more attempts to change human nature.
We don't have to plunge into the pit of socialism (redistributing goods for ideological aims), as recommended by the AAP. We don't have to make babies pay the price for our self-inflicted stresses. We don't have to be this unhappy! (Here I could provide lots of links that definitely show how unhappy we are, but again, spammy links, and also, I'm no sociologist. Just look around!)
When a mother says “I want my body back,” she's making the baby the enemy (and I say this as someone who has nursed a two-year-old who was determined to crawl away with a firm grip on my nipple! I get it! See all my nursing the baby links on the sidebar and also my book set, The Summa Domestica, especially Volume 1).
Why would we accept these terms, that make of our loved ones a sort of enemy, or at least an obstacle? If these terms are imposed on us by our choices, then let's make better choices. We have only our conflicted self-doubt to lose. Let's recover the wisdom of the past, that respected the deep differences between men and women and protected babies in the heart of the home. I will help you (see: this blog, my books)!
When we do that, we will re-discover something: that devotion to home, which women hardly dare desire, lest we be thought a traitor to our sex, also brings relief from this constant state of turmoil. It brings peace.
MG says
Thank you for this reflection, and for your whole blog!! While our family has committed in the way you describe here, it’s so easy to get frustrated and feel like there’s something wrong with us, as we look around and don’t see anyone else doing likewise. Thank you so much for being a voice of sanity and encouragement.
Jen says
Well put, MG!
Mary from NOLA says
To begin with, Leila, I very much appreciate that you do NOT monetize your blog. I have left more than one blog due to the ads and such that interrupt what I had hoped would be a pleasant reading experience.
I have not read the article you mention, but you make excellent points. Breastfeeding is what our bodies are DESIGNED to do. I see that as a beautiful gift from God. I had an excellent example in my own mother, knowing she nursed my older brother and me, then seeing her nurse subsequent babies. By the time I began nursing my own babies, I was geographically far from Mama and had exactly NO example or support near to me. Through the Grace of God, I did find a local La Leche League and that was a comfort to me.
I try, in my own little way, to encourage enciente ladies to at least CONSIDER nursing and be a cheerleader for those who do nurse babies. For me, there was no “choice”–breastfeeding from the beginning until Baby decided it was time to stop. I was seen as something of a uninformed, backward mother because I told the hospital staff I would NOT be taking home the formula they tried to insist I take. (I did not know about home-births at the time! And do hospitals still give baby formula to mothers of newborns?)
Anyhoo, this is an excellent post. Thank you for this and all of the insight/information here on your non-monetized blog. God bless!
Annie says
I can happily report that, at least in my experiences, since I indicated my desire to breastfeed, I was never offered formula in the hospital. (Even in the case of a very small twin newborn who had lost a lot of weight, I was given the option to supplement with donor breastmilk as an alternative to formula.) I’m sure some places are different and may still be more trigger-happy with formula but I think there have been changes for the better! Definitely very insulting to be pushing formula on you!!
Kim F. says
Amen, Auntie Leila! This might be your best post yet!! (And I love them all). Breastfeeding is hard, at least it was for me, and I remember saying those words, “I want my body back” more than once or twice (I might have been the most selfish wife/mother to exist). But through the grace of God I stuck with it and am so grateful I was able to breastfeed all 6 of my children. I do not like Oprah but I remember her saying years ago that women are told they can have it all, and maybe they can, just not ALL AT THE SAME TIME! Wise words. I cannot fathom trying to breastfeed a baby, while also having a full-time job (even if it’s at home), and taking care of all the millions of other things a mom does during the day. I could barely breastfeed a baby and find time to shower. (Yes, I know you have a post on showering). Thank you for sharing the truth! I do hope that young women and moms discover your blog and are encouraged by you as I was! God bless! 🙂
Anna says
I don’t think we’re selfish for finding pregnancy or breastfeeding difficult or even downright unpleasant at times. Those are good, noble things, but there is an element of sacrifice. Sometimes you do feel that “want your body back.” That doesn’t make us less loving, sometimes it just makes our love even more sacrificial.
Leila says
As I said in the post, I get that.
What I don’t appreciate in the article is the underlying assumption that giving the baby what he needs (according to expert guidelines rather than any qualities inherent in what a woman’s body does and the relationship she has with her infant) is in opposition to the woman’s sense of her body being her own.
It’s one thing to acknowledge the struggles and sacrifices that accompany *anything* we do for others. It’s another to have the whole narrative be that somehow the woman is giving up something important (her own time, her body, her work goals) to fulfill a fundamental need of another person, a person completely dependent on her.
The whole tone of the article is that it’s all stressful and difficult and above all, *interfering* with what it assumes is the actually important thing (work) that she is doing. The fact that the article ends on that note is telling.
Danielle says
Thank you for your eloquence with words here… I am that mom who stays home and has committed to do so for the sake of my five children… but I am not good at explaining my choice. You have done that well here and I wish more moms could see the peace and blessing that comes from serving these children we brought into the world. It is such a short time but the benefits are eternal. I will be pointing more of my young mom friends to your words of wisdom, because you say it much better than I ever could. Thank you for being an encouragement to those of us still at home.
S. Marie says
I had 9 babies. Stayed home full time until my last was 1. Now I work part time. I don’t recommend it. My heart is at home.
Emily says
I live outside of Austin, Texas, so I wonder how much that affects my experience. After our first baby was born, I continued to work full time while pumping. My mother-in-law supplemented with formula (unbeknownst to me, and I was not happy about when I eventually found out but accept it was necessary given the situation). I really wanted to be home with him but our finances didn’t allow it. However, we made significant changes so that when our second arrived, I could hand in my notice and be home with my kids. I was so happy to be able to breastfeed my babies!
My babies are now all nearing their teen years, so I’m past this phase of life, but I recall trying to be VERY discreet when feeding my babies. I had nursing covers, wraps, etc. The new moms I know are very “in your face” about it. There are no covers in public (e.g. during church services). It has led to some uncomfortable situations for my husband and myself. I don’t want to discourage breastfeeding at all but I dislike how so many woman deny that breasts are sexually enticing to men.
I’m curious about your thoughts?
rh says
Obviously I’m not Auntie Leila, but having nursed 6 kids in multiple parts of the country and world I’ve had a variety of experiences.
I definitely find covers, etc, to be way too complicated, and most of my children would not nurse with them even if I wanted to. I do try to be “covered” in the sense of having a shirt over the top half while the baby accesses from the bottom – and the older the child the more careful I am. And if the baby is still learning and I need to be topless – for me I just stay home until we’re past that stage.
When I lived in Italy (2 years with my third baby being born there), all the VERY MODEST grandmothers were horrified that a mother would have that layer on top – it prevented the baby from breathing freely. I was chastised at parks by grandmothers who were thrilled! to see me nurse (and many long speeches about how sad they were their daughters chose formula from the start) but absolutely thought any kind of cloth near the baby’s face was a danger. They would physically rearrange my clothing on a park bench.
The women I did see nursing in Europe tended to bare the whole breast, even though, in general, I thought they dressed more modestly. e.g. Higher necklines than folks in the US, and never shorts (unless over leggings or tights) or leggings as pants, for example.
When the breast was being used for its biological function, it seemed to be in a completely different category. Sort of like we use our mouths to kiss and be intimate -and that use is Very Private- but no one is offended when we use the mouth to eat in public. That’s how I experienced breastfeeding in Europe and how I view it. According to my Brazilian family and South American au pairs, this is the view there too – as far as I can tell. They certainly find all the covering up of nursing mothers funny and bizarre.
I think the fact that in the US we tend NOT to have this separation is a symptom of the over-sexualization of our culture. We are unable to see the actual, biological, function of the breast – it’s so swamped in the sexual representations.
I don’t think mothers should feel shamed into covering everything while they nurse, any more than we cover our mouths while we eat, although of course many are more comfortable nursing with covers, etc. It’s entirely possible how I nurse would make you uncomfortable – for which I’m sorry! – and I wouldn’t be offended or dislike you for it! I think it’s just a sign of how broken our world is. And I’m not entirely sure my take on it – balancing the facts of the culture I do live in as well as the Reality of motherhood – is the best one. It’s just where I’ve settled.
raphaelarchangelus says
I really appreciate your comment and that you do not cover while breastfeeding. I have definitely felt the judgment and even been made to feel shame for not covering. I only have one child (#2 is due any day now!) and learning to breastfeed was hard. I tried a cover a couple of times, but it was too cumbersome. And my son hates to be covered. He’ll literally pull the covering off! My thoughts align exactly with yours. In the US, our bodies have been oversexualized, so breastfeeding uncovered is taboo. It wasn’t always like that in this country. In fact, if I remember correctly, Auntie Leila has (or had?) some old pictures of this on her Pinterest page. Our breasts were made to nurture our children. It is a beautiful thing. The reaction of the grandmothers in Italy is very telling. There is still more of a remembrance of Catholic culture there. Have you ever seen the beautiful pictures of Our Lady breastfeeding Our Lord? You can see part of her breast. It is not a sexual thing. It is a beautiful thing, showing the great gift and dignity that we have as women. I don’t think that we should be shamed for not covering. I am very modest when I breastfeed my 1yr old, keeping my top over the upper part of my breast as he eats. And I am constantly in awe of the great gift and privilege that is mine as a woman. Not only that, but we get to represent the Church, who nurtures her own children at the breast. It’s an amazing thing!
Emily says
It is an amazing thing! To clarify a bit, my experience has been dirty looks and angry comments from women when I look at their baby while they are breastfeeding. The women I know well breastfeed in my company and it isn’t uncomfortable. I’ll be honest, it will take me a while to get comfortable with other women breastfeeding in public without being covered, and part of it is our society as well as protecting my boys from women with that “in your face” attitude.
Leila says
We just have to keep in mind what I’m trying to say in the post, that we can’t be satisfied with taking the situation as it is and trying to tweak it.
The reason there is weirdness (prudery and maybe, especially in edgy media, exhibitionism, but more often perhaps cluelessness) with breastfeeding is that women are not home! They are not with other women who have lots of children and are in all phases of life, including having teenage boys and nursing babies…
It’s odd that you have had the experience of anger from breastfeeding women. I don’t get it… I don’t get the attitude.
My curating of photos and paintings (on Pinterest) convinces me that in the distant past, it was seriously no biggie for women to expose their chests while breastfeeding. We do have to take our own society’s norms into account, to a certain extent. I nursed my babies *everywhere* and usually had a light little receiving blanket to drape over my shoulder if it was necessary — though usually I had a top that could simply be lifted — but *not* over the baby’s head. Those nursing covers make me crazy! And indicate to me that breastfeeding has been relegated to an apologetic activity that shouldn’t take long, sorry for disturbing anyone… to change that, women have to do otherwise. They can still be short of what was the norm long ago, without putting the baby literally under cover. I can’t help but notice that
But we also have to wonder why it’s an issue, and that goes back to the main point of the post, which is that mothering is a secondary, at best, pursuit that *must* take a backseat to the main one of “doing a job” — remember, it’s “a job, an unpaid job” — never more revealing words were spoken.
When we go back home (not staying in the house, you understand, but as a state of mind) we will recover the right order of things, including when and how to cover while nursing.
Leila says
I agree with you and totally relate to the Italian grandmothers. Those covers make it hard for me to breathe — who knows what’s happening to the baby!
Em says
Wow, I thought I was the only one who couldn’t nurse with a cover! I instantly begin to overheat and my babies don’t nurse, they just cry and cry and cry! As I’m having more children and getting old and experienced, I’m able to time feedings better for things like church and such, that I don’t have to worry about nursing in public much. Again, this is one of the helpful elements of being home with family day to day – these odd situations are few and far between!
I, too, find it alarming that the working mother scenario is the only way of life this article presented to readers.
Katie says
This is a great blog post. If more women were just honest about the impossibility of working + raising children, there might be half a shot at cultural change.
Re: covers. Not everyone is shaped/built the same. The larger you are the harder it is to be discreet without a cover. A mom who uses one of those big wrap around nursing cover things should no more be laughed at than the mom who uses nothing. I have been scoffed at for covering up too much with a wrap around stretch cover, but I don’t care because it has been (my) solution to FINALLY being able to nurse and be around other people. And since I’m right there watching, baby is fine under there.
Leila says
Thanks!
Covers: I would never laugh! I do think that it’s difficult now that moms are pressured to wear them, and not right.
And I am not okay with baby being covered all the time — for one thing, I think baby needs to look around if he wants to, while nursing.
If this is your solution, that’s fine! And I would guess that you would say that you only use it in public.
But I think we do have to be aware that it’s become basically a necessity for a nursing mother to be socially acceptable, and I really do have to push back against that.
I wonder what large-breasted women did before the giant bib came onto the market?
Catrina says
Yes!! So beautiful, well said. Thank you for writing this.
James W Anderson says
You could put a close up picture of the cover of your book and you could just type the links and we could copy and paste them into our browsers.
raphaelarchangelus says
Thank you for this post, Auntie Leila! So many irrational demands are placed on women these days. It is discouraging and overwhelming. We are told that unless we work full-time at a successful job, plus have the perfect house and the perfect meals and if we have to have kids, only maybe 2 of them and do the soccer mom thing, we are worthless human beings. On the flip side, I have also encountered the belief that women should stay at home and just deal with the kids, have the messy house, and be the disheveled harried housemaker with no time for herself. I feel that this is incorrect. I am expecting our second child any day now and I am a stay at home mom. But I have been meditating a lot on the Proverbs 31 Woman lately. She raised her children, but also had a well kept home, good meals, and she purchased land and cultivated it. She also sold her wares. To me, that means she worked a bit from home. On top of that, she had servants to help with all of these tasks. She didn’t just have to do it alone! I think it is okay for women to hire someone to help clean the house or babysit while they do other things. And it is okay, even good, to have a side business or something from home. Especially in today’s culture where Capitalism has decreed that there be two incomes. My husband and I are surviving on just his income, but we can’t afford a house. With my side hustles, perhaps we’ll be able to save a bit more. Also, I think it is essential to keep in mind that the housewife from the 50’s often had hired help, and/or relatives who lived in town who could help with things. Not to mention public schools. The rosy image of the 50’s housewife may not be so rosy or accurate. At least in the way that I have seen it put forth in other places. And it’s only been in the last say 100-200 years or so? that men mostly worked outside the home. The industrial revolution, brought on by Protestantism, which has since led to Capitalism and Socialism etc, ripped men away from their homes and families. The husband and wife used to work side by side at home in most instances. In other words, women had help! Even my grandmother, God rest her soul, who grew up the youngest of 13 children, lived in the same town as her mother and siblings. There were constantly older cousins coming over to help her out with housework and food preservation etc. Women used to have a network, a community to help them accomplish things. They didn’t have to do it all alone. Women in our culture need to be reminded of all of this. And the dignity that comes with the very fact of being a woman! We are so privileged simply to be women! And breastfeeding is one of the greatest gifts I have ever experienced. Nursing my son is such a grace. Imitating Our Lady in this is awe inspiring!
I hope all of that made sense and I wasn’t rambling too much! I love your blog and appreciate your insights immensely!
Molly B. says
This is exactly right – “a completely unprecedented attempt to change human nature across the board and try to solve its resultant complexities with even more attempts to change human nature.” Classic progressive approach – create bad scenario, problems arise, apply more intervention, more problems arise….wash, rinse, repeat.
Today’s CatholicVote “Loop” emailed included this article by a young mother about enjoying young children (https://aleteia.org/2023/01/14/the-secret-to-enjoying-your-little-kids/), which dovetails nicely with Auntie Leila’s commentary. Children are not burdens! Yes, they can be challenging at times, but let’s admit – so can we, adults, too be challenging! I suppose people assume children are less deserving of humane treatment because they are Young and Little.
It really stems back to the contraceptive mentality (if not farther back) – children are not the purpose of sexual intercourse. Denying nature…denying God…all pride. Interestingly, I remember reading a scientific article that noted the sexual revolution actually began sooner than the 1960s – the researcher observed a marked uptick in extramarital relations following the discovery and wide-spread of antibiotics earlier in the 20th century…see, when one can get treated for clap discreetly, there is less of a deterrent to fornication.
Anyway, thank you for these thoughts Auntie Leila. Important – and yes, someone has to say it! More of us have to say it!
Bethanne says
So I think there has been some progress made with your technology issues…usually, when I go to your blog it will have an “unsecured” message next to your blog address, but now it is a picture of a lock! But I still have the issue of getting the spam thing when I click, even on comments, not links. So…partial victory!?!
I have been perplexed by the reason “why” the media and all the “authorities” and even feminists would not want women to breastfeed. It didn’t escape me that the quoted woman said,…”not every PARENT can do it…” which I’ve noticed is sometimes a tactic trying to point us to some craziness where men have periods and give birth and breastfeed. I would think that feminists would be up in arms that “men” have taken even that realm away. But usually when something doesn’t make any sense to me, I feel like there’s a financial element. Who is going to make money if breast feeding doesn’t happen? Who stands to benefit? Who owns the formula companies and what are they putting into formula? I’m sure that makes me sound like a conspiracy theorist, but it seems like this is now true of vaccines, food, etc.
I breast fed all seven of my children. It wasn’t always easy. I had considerable mastitis. There were times I had bruises and bites. I remember one particularly difficult time when I was crying while trying to get a baby to latch on and I said, “I don’t think I can do this anymore.” My husband said, “Let’s just worry about this one nursing session and not all the rest.” He helped me like that for a few days and I was able to get through it.
I hope women can be given courage to breastfeed: for all the good it provides for both baby and mother (in tangible and intangible ways) and for the savings to the family.
Our Lady of La Leche, Pray for Us!
rozylass says
I was one of those women/mothers who were not represented in the article. I chose to be a stay-at-home mom and raise our own five children. I totally miss nursing a baby; to me, besides giving birth, it was one of the best things about being a woman!
I think society has so totally got things backwards that we have damaged and blighted women. In a more perfect world, women would marry and raise children and then go to work (if she wants to), full of the wisdom and experience of managing a home and dealing with the challenges of nurturing children. A mature women is so much more calm and settled than a young woman with little real life experience. In a more perfect world, businesses would value the maturity and steadiness of the mature woman who has reared her family and now has the time, and the mental and emotional space to work outside the home. No worrying about time off for marriage and child bearing, or time off for sick children. Those days are past and the woman can give her full attention to the work before her. She has the stamina to perform.
Years ago I read of a woman who decided to pursue her medical degree after her children were all in school. All of the things I listed above proved true in her case and she pitied the younger women who were struggling to balance education/career with their desires to marry and have children. I think the woman was about 53 when she graduated medical school and began her residency. Her experience of long sleepless nights with sick children stood her in good stead as she worked the long hours as a resident, while the younger women were getting totally burned out. And she still had many years of productive work ahead of her!
I’m so glad LMLD exists to encourage the traditional path of wife and mother. I wish we could get the other part, society and businesses valuing older women of maturity, wisdom and experience.
Leila says
Thank you for this comment.
As a grandmother (and someone who doesn’t work but who has been able to have big projects as my children grew up and left home), I would simply say that young women might not be able to imagine how the importance of home continues even into that stage.
It seems as if society wants every woman to work and also wants there to be a grandma to provide all the daycare… but really, the grandparents, if God should grant them the years, can offer a lot by being present, by being available but not taking over — to their grown children, their grandchildren, and the neighborhood/society.
In many ways, our society suffers from this disconnect between the generations. Sure, if I had had two children or fewer, I would probably want a job to keep myself busy (though I have never ever been good at keeping to someone else’s schedule). But as it is, I need to continue my devotion to (a much quieter) home so as to be available, not as a glorified nanny, but in other ways. Some seasons are busier than others in this stage, and there is now time for a lot of creativity and also… resting haha…
My overall point is that there have always been energetic women, women with a lot of help (sometimes unseen), women with a destiny to change something in the world, spirited women, women with no or few children — but the norm had always been until now and should be again, for women to be home and to make a home! We need to recover that, because it’s incredibly important.
Catherine says
I’d like to chime in with Leila’s assertion that even into the grandmother stage of a woman’s life her role in the home is of the utmost importance. My mother began a career at 50, right when I married and began having children. Now, I admire her enormously for her tenacity and the physical obstacles she overcame to attend graduate school and set up her counseling practice. But. She missed the freedom to travel as much as she wanted when her mobility allowed; she was less available and flexible when my children were little and she was able to do more. I know she felt torn. I’ll probably need to contribute financially to our household when my children are grown, but seeing my mother’s divided attention has ruled out any employment that requires too much of my time or energy.
Sally says
Just wanted to offer encouragement to anyone who reads this and thinks she somehow has “missed the boat” and cannot be one of those women who find peace in her place at home. I come from a family where the collective memory surrounding raising babies is almost entirely lost. I knew one friend who nursed her babies (not just breastfed — I knew plenty of women who pumped) when I had my first child. Boy oh boy did I spend a lot of that first year sweating. I was always uncomfortable. Should I nurse the baby and have my dear father-in-law almost trip over a chair because he was walking out of the room backwards to avoid looking at me? Should I use a huge nursing cover that screamed “my breasts are exposed” and simultaneously make it impossible for me to properly latch the baby on? Should I tell the pediatrician (who by the way had never nursed her own children so I’m not sure why her opinion mattered so much to me) the truth that the only place the baby slept was tucked under my armpit and face her disapproval?
It gets better. The peace comes with time. Give yourself some grace to learn what works best for you (maybe you prefer to pleasantly excuse yourself from social situations to nurse the baby and get a bit of a breather!). There is so much to learn, especially if you are really starting with no foundation, but that’s okay. I have watched many of my friends try the “stay at home mom” thing for six months and then get back to work because “they want their life back.” What Auntie Leila says about how you and your husband are building something — a family, a home, even *yourself* as mother — is so true. Give it time and I believe this new life begins to emerge that is much better than what you had before. Thank you, Auntie Leila, for all your wonderful wisdom!
Annie says
Your last point is important… necessarily, the beginning of the mother’s journey is with only a tiny baby, who obviously can’t provide anything but needs that the mother must meet. Of course that is draining and doesn’t provide much in the way of fun or positive reinforcement (meaningful and important though it is). But down the road, there will be children who are delightful to observe in their play, who can carry on a fun and intriguing conversation, who require fun trips to the park and the library and at-home science experiments and play dates with friends’ children! My oldest are twins so I’ve gotten to see the transformation on a fast track- life is demanding now, as it was when I had two newborns, but it is also fun and lively and full of wonder and learning and discovery for them AND for me. A mom of just a tiny baby who feels it isn’t for her and goes back to work as a result… she doesn’t have that vision yet and maybe doesn’t see that it won’t always be exclusively poopy diapers and breastfeeding round the clock and nap schedules the way it is at the beginning.
Virginia says
Preach it! I read that article and had very similar thoughts at the time. I nursed my five children (nursing one right now) and, thank God, never really had to give any of them a bottle just because it would be too much work to pump and with the jobs that I’ve had (nannying, cleaning) I could always just bring my baby with me.
Tster says
Many women who do not work outside the home nevertheless have a complicated relationship with breastfeeding. It is physically taxing, often painful, and for some does not produce those bonding hormones that many people speak of. It also reduces the desire for intimacy with a husband for many women. So, even for those of us who never had to worry about pumping, etc., it’s still something a lot of women are grateful to leave behind when it is no longer necessary. Even in the past where women never worked outside of the home, historical descriptions make it clear it was seen as both a blessing and a tiring hassle. There has always been ambivalence about the physical demands it places on mothers — just as, for instance, birth and pregnancy are objectively hard, painful and tiring yet also a huge blessing above all else.
Leila says
Yes, this is all true.
All the more reason to have the norm be that the wife becoming a mother have only her household to care for (with all that entails, often not a small matter!).
When the norm is for many added stresses outside the home, only the strongest survive. Is that how we want to order our society? Well, we’ve made that choice already, and it’s not working out well.
My point includes the looming deadline for maternity leave to be over, lest anyone urge that as the answer. I have had letters from women in Europe who have generous maternity leave and are panicky and even desolate because *they do not want to leave their baby*. But they truly have no choice! If they decide to stay home, they face a significant loss of household income (because normal things we Americans don’t think about are tied to her working) and most importantly, utter loneliness in the places where the maternity (and paternity) leave is most generous, like Denmark. No little children in the neighborhood, no other mothers home.
Human nature is complicated. Let’s make things tend towards easing things for those for whom the complications are overwhelming.
Agnes N says
I’m Swedish and I can only confirm what you’re saying about women’s conflicted feelings around the longer maternity leave. The norm here is to stay home for 12-18 months, a time during which a lot of women simply feel bored and isolated, since there’s no actual community for her, and women generally don’t see themselves as homemakers either, due to feminism. And then when the 12-18 months are up she’s both relieved to get back to work and heartbroken to leave her kids with strangers(!) at daycare. I’ve worked in a daycare before having children myself and seeing the 18 month olds those first couple of weeks and months, when a lot of them can hardly even communicate, is beyond sad. Mind you that staying home with your children for more than those 18 months is viewed as unthinkable. So a prolonged maternity leave is probably good for breastfeeding rates, but the socialism and feminism that comes with it certainly isn’t advantageous in the long run for birth rates or for child rearing. Keep your freedoms and your tax dollars I’d say.
Courtney says
I really appreciate your post! I worked part time after having my first baby, 20 hrs/week, two 10 hr days. My heart was always at home but at that point I didn’t even consider just not working. I went to school for a long time for my degree (7.5 years for Doctor of physical therapy). I felt an obligation to continue working due to the time and effort that went into getting the degree. I also justified to myself that it was ok because for the 2 days I worked, my mom watched the baby one day and the other day he was with my husband, so he wasn’t in daycare. Now 4 babies later (all boys ha), I am so so so glad that we decided to have me stay home after we had our other children. Thankfully my husband is very supportive and the person who most encouraged me to stay home. It has brought so much more peace to our home and I wish I would have stayed home after my first baby. I feel guilty because I didn’t enjoy and bond with my first baby as much as I did with my others due the stresses and demands that come with working outside the home.
Nada Leona says
As a Canadian, one of the things I have never understood is the American expectation of sending new moms back to work within days or weeks after they’ve been discharged from the hospital. Here in Canada, you can take 12-18 months (and this can be divided between both parents as well) of paid maternity leave (when I had my kids, you received 55% of your take home pay during that time, which clearly isn’t much but it’s something). I think the fact that I was expected and able to take a full 12 months off with my children from work sincerely contributed to my ability to breastfeed all three of my children, especially considering I was a low producer and all three of my children struggled at nursing. Pumping was a complete waste of my time with both my older two — I could never produce anything with the pump — and with my third, despite me being home 24/7, he was the WORST latcher on the planet and I just could not produce enough, so we supplemented with formula as well as regular attempts at breast feeding (he finally figured it out around 6 months and we could ditch the formula). Fortunately I was a SAHM by the time my 2nd was born and was still able to do that with my 3rd. But if I had been expected to breastfeed, pump, and bottle feed my children while working, with my terribly low supply, I’m convinced I would have quit. Fortunately, I was able to breast feed all of them for over 2 years each. For the first 6 month, I was stuck on the couch nursing 24/7, barely able to take a long enough break to put food in the Crock-Pot or take a shower — I could have a clean house, or a fed child, but I couldn’t do both (thanks, low supply!). I’m so glad my husband just stepped over the mess and ate whatever I said was in the kitchen. But if I had been expected to return to work, it never would have happened.
Leila says
It makes no sense to return to work while taking care of a baby!
However, the effect of government mandates for maternity and paternity leave is to suppress the birth rate overall. It’s really not a solution.
Heather says
Thank you
Victoria says
Such a great post! Three cheers! I have three kids and have nursed almost nonstop the last 8 years. I did EBF and tandem with a full time job (and as much postpartum leave and then teleworking as possible) and now – finally – I’m able to work just part-time (all remotely thanks to the recent world changes.) Breastfeeding is not usually easy but it is always worth it. Why would anyone expect something as utterly amazing as BF to be easy? I can’t think of anything else so beneficial – physically, emotionally, mentally, etc – that’s “easy.” It’s a gift to even be able to do it. I wasn’t going to turn down such a blessed opportunity.
cirelo says
This is kind of a general response to the comments that say something like “well breastfeeding can be hard…” Honestly, I don’t really get the point of those comments. Yes. We might also say sex can be self-sacrificial at times. All sorts of health issues can interfere with libido or social and psychological issue can make it feel like a chore. And yet, we don’t demonize sex or lift it up as this huge cross that we get nailed to in marriage. We talk about it as a self giving gift, an enjoyable and pleasurable bonding experience. Something so essential for marriage. If a woman perhaps is struggling with low libido for health reasons you wouldn’t just scrap it. It’s too important for both parties. The complaints about mothers’ difficulties in breastfeeding seem so shocking because they are completely one sided.
And also, somehow seem to miss the point, as if one persons subjective dysfunction (in a technological sense) defines the norm for everybody. Why do we have this insistence on denying the norm? It is normal and good for breastfeeding to be easy and beautiful and sweet. That isn’t taking anything away from anybody to say that!
Leila says
Yes!
The insistence on the difficulties does remove the teleological point, that in fact we are made to feed our babies.
And the larger point is that what is described in the article is both *designed for failure* and *the only paradigm offered*
I think it’s interesting, and will write about this again, that if someone says “society shouldn’t set things up in a way that denies basic human nature, ie insisting that the norm be that women work,” that person (ie me) has to hedge every sentence with disclaimers, counter-examples, and apologies.
BUT when the NYTimes writes an article about women breastfeeding, it’s a given that they *will not even include ONE example of one woman who is supported by her husband, even if it means living more simply, and takes care of her children without having to juggle outside commitments*
That is the real issue. They don’t actually want their readers to know that there exists another way to live life — a way that takes the baby’s real needs into account. In fact, other than the AAP recommendations mentioned at the start, the baby’s needs are not really the focus of the article.
And by the way, as I have written many times, these needs of the baby go far beyond being breastfed. If the choice is to “breastfeed” in the sense of providing mother’s milk but not the presence of the mother to *nurse* ie hold, cuddle, embrace, coo at, and be close to — vs. bottle feed but WITH that presence, then I urge the latter.
Em says
The more I think about it, could they have at least found a mother who decided to take a year or so off work to be with her young child, and then was reintroduced to the work place? I know there are women who do this sort of thing too. It would have at least fit into their whole working woman agenda.
“She saved to afford the whole year off (on top of her sparse maternity leave!), and while breastfeeding went generally well she had such a hard time fighting for her place in society again!” I mean at least something of the sort? I know these women exist. I can’t help but feel someone with an agenda wants to put enough pressure on the AAP to just quit recommending breastfeeding because it just puts “too much pressure” on women and “shames them.”
Rivard says
I read this while nursing my baby! So I had to contribute an all-positive comment. I have three children and have exclusively breastfed them all, with tons of positivity and support from all around. My mother breastfed me and my siblings and I saw her friends breastfeeding their children as I grew up. So it wasn’t even a thought how I would feed my babies when they came. I had all three in a hospital downtown that is extraordinarily supportive of breastfeeding – nothing but smiles, support, happy anecdotes, real preparation, praise for breastfeeding mothers there, from the receptionist to the doctor in charge. I’ve fed my babies absolutely everywhere, almost always without a cover, and never seen a scowl. At MoMA in NYC an old woman sat with me and remembered feeding her many children. At the MPLS airport I nursed in the most glorious nursing room. This is all in the realm of the ordinary, typical, mainstream; I’m leaving out all my LLL friends. I had my personal struggles with breastfeeding, my point is that socially – they’re still out there, the people who get it.
Robyn Shepherd says
Hi!
First,
I love your blog…I can spend hours reading back posts 😄
I was telling a friend about it today so when I came here to find the reading list for kids, I had something weird happen.
Second,
When I click on a topic or highlighted subject, a spam-like tab would pop next to your page on my browser. I don’t know if it’s your site or something on my end but I thought you should know.
I tried another of my favorite sites and it didn’t happen there…
Regards, Robyn