Perhaps I exaggerate slightly to get your attention on a late Saturday morning! Let's say, “Made things less stressful and thereby enhanced a pretty good thing that I wouldn't want to disrupt unnecessarily.”
I will get to it, but first —
Here are pictures of us at the Opening Night of our friend Bill McCann's film The Liberator. When it comes out on DVD and I'm not also giving marriage tips, I will explain more.
Basically, for decades he had wanted to write a screenplay about Daniel O'Connell, the liberator of Ireland. The whole homeschooling and church community here, along with friends of his from other, similar communities, helped him produce it. His dream was realized! This event struck me so strongly how we can affect the culture when enough people support creativity in their life choices.
My husband had a small (but effective! and compelling!) supporting role, so naturally we wanted to represent on the red carpet (of our local cinema)! Rosie had thrifted the dress and given it to me, and so I went for it! “It's not church so I think you should wear it, Mom” (Thrifted shoes, thrifted bag! Fun!)
Back to marriage…
The other week I had a pretty serious post about the uptick in my “marriage distress” emails and what to do about it. I was talking about major differences of opinion and how to approach them.
But even normally, there are little frictions that come about over ordinary things that aren't even a matter of opinion, but are exacerbated due to personality differences — whether one is normally somewhat gloomy or cheerful — and even superficial reactions that could be rooted in trauma.
For instance, when one party (let's call her Chappie A) grew up with divorce or alcoholism or some other such deep issue, something as small as a reaction to a problem can send her into a mini-tailspin. A tailspin that could be avoided with awareness, but even she might not realize what's going on.
If I say, “Oh, just so you know, the upstairs faucet is dripping,” or “the raccoon knocked over the feed barrel,” Chappie B will fix it. But if he responds by saying, “Oh dear! No, really! Ugh!” I get a panic attack and react by going into defensive mode, creating all sorts of unnecessary issues in my marriage. But if Chappie B is suitably warned and responds with a cheery “Don't worry, I'll fix it,” I will be serene.
I found this out when I realized why I treasured the handyman who helped us out when we moved here. His reaction to every situation was, “Oh, no problem, I can fix that” and it just made life so much nicer!
Once Chappie B understands, in love, the reason for the inner disturbance, he will make the effort… and then he can avoid having Chappie A run off with the handyman!
Just kidding, but honestly, how many real issues stem from not being understood…
And of course, Chappie B has his disproportionate reactions too. If I can remember to answer his questions patiently and not think I have already gone over it all when I really haven't but have only thought about it, Chappie B can handle life better. I think this might come from having been fifth in the birth order at home, with four sisters having come first. An only child like me just has trouble getting it.
I think it's worth trying to figure out what seemingly unimportant particulars simply stress you out in your marriage so that you can work to be kinder about them.
There could be an occasional “free and frank discussion” about admittedly silly things that plunge us down the wrong turning, mood-wise. Since there are so many actual, unforeseeable stressors, why allow the little everyday ones to go unchecked?
And then forgiveness too, for forgetting. Forgiveness lowers stress, don't forget!
Anyway, here are the two very inexpensive products that have saved my marriage or just made it go a lot smoother (these products can be found in various places but if you order using my affiliate link, I get a small, really small, commission at no cost to you):
A blanket clip — “Blanket Buddy”. Why it is that approximately 38 years into our marriage my husband should start pulling the covers off me in our sleep I do not know. But for $12.50 we are now not locked in desperate nighttime combat.
Yes, that little clip with its elastic going under the mattress to the other side with its little clip is a miracle-worker!
This other one is perhaps not as common a problem. For one thing, some men always drive, although I think this is a mistake — if the husband doesn't sometimes ride in the passenger seat, who will correct the wife's bad driving habits? Surely not the four-year old… (You will just have to explain to him how to tell you that you're making mistakes so he doesn't stress you out… )
Anyway, we do share driving, and when I'm at the wheel; the issue is where to put my bag.
You probably have a van of some sort that has been designed with a spot for your handbag. For years our various Suburbans offered the middle seat or large console for my bag when I was driving. Little did I know the struggle that was in store for me when we downsized…
Now we have a Subaru Outback and my husband doesn't like the bag at his feet. It annoys him. He finds it obtrusive. There it is: he would rather not.
But I don't like it in the back seat (how will I reach my sunglasses or lip gloss?). If it's on the console, it slides back and dumps its contents on the floor. I don't know why they can't make that thing with a lip of some sort…
Well, this car net object truly is a game-changer:
The lower straps cross under the console lid to secure it in my car, which is different from the photo; I think you just make it work depending on how your car is designed…
For under $10, peace is restored! I don't know how many marriage counselors would charge $6.29 to eliminate your problems!
The bag sits on the console with no danger of falling backwards and all is well. Plus, bonus points, it has pockets that are handy for other little objects you would chuck on the passenger seat if your true love were not occupying it! Bridget, sitting in the backseat, put her phone in one of the pockets while it was connected to the sound system so we could listen to some of her songs.
So those are my marriage tips for this week! Go forth and multiply!
bits & pieces
- I found this helpful general information for fermenting foods: Salt and Brine For Fermenting Vegetables (Ultimate Guide)
- And I've been making mayonnaise for a while on a regular basis now, using my stick blender. I had actually started pasteurizing the egg yolks for longer shelf life, as there are just the two of us, but just stumbled across this information about fermenting the mayo to accomplish the same goal! I am really excited about this.
- How artisans dedicated to medieval methods of construction are restoring the Cathedral of Notre Dame
- My son-in-law with tips on teaching art to children (he collaborated with me on the chapter in The Summa Domestica about this!)
from the archives
- Don't forget that a goal of this blog (and The Summa Domestica) is to encourage frugality and thrift — skills needed in this tougher times, as a reader recently reminded me! As the weather gets a bit nippier for some of us, think about soup!
- Women are propagandized to think that the only valid way to contribute to the household is with a paycheck, but without a household manager, we are sunk: Ask Auntie Leila: I feel guilty not working!
follow us everywhere!
My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!
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Blayne says
That car net is GENIUS for *hopefully* keeping my little kids from climbing through the back of the van to exit via the passenger side door! I wish I knew why they found that so interesting! Lol
Leila says
haha I hope so!
Jacqueline says
How do you pasteurize the yolks? I hate paying the ridiculous price for Mayo with no junk in it, but I just can’t get past giving my little kids raw egg (I know people do it all the time with no issue, but I still have a hang up about it).
Leila says
You can look it up — you put some lemon in them (1 tablespoon per yolk) and heat in a double boiler (or bowl over simmering water), whisking.
You need an instant-read thermometer so that you can see when they reach the right temperature.
But I think fermenting is going to be much easier!
BridgetAnn says
That is so funny- and clever- about the sheet clip! I’m the cover stealer over here and my husband jokingly but vividly recalls the night he happened to be awake and saw the sheet sail over from his side into my domain. (I’m also a heavy sleeper.) Anyway, we had decided get sheets in the next size up to avoid the struggle to secure the fitted sheet when making the bed, but the added bonus was that the larger size gives more sheet to go around 🙂
Leila says
Hilarious!
I had offered to just make the bed with two sets side by side, but he doesn’t like that!
He’s the one who found the clips. They really work so well!
Anna says
This is very timely. About three minutes before checking my email and opening this message, I was cresting a hill in my mind of how to deal with a certain problem, one that has played out in many ways over 9.5 years of marriage, and probably a couple of years before that when my husband and I were first getting to know each other.
We just accomplished a big move, and are in an interim location until our new location is ready. We have things stored in four places, including a storage unit. I have begun to organize the things that are in two of the stored places (the other two storage spots don’t need further organization), and this is a big process, so there is more to do. It is Saturday; we did the final move Wednesday night. My husband bought me a bike (that he lovingly let me choose, and even said we could get the more expensive one!) a couple of weeks ago. He announced today that he wants to assemble it tonight and go on a “big bike ride” altogether. Altogether means with our four, six, and eight year old girls–who have no idea how to ride more than in a big driveway. We moved from a tiny town of 1,000 and are staying currently in a bigger city of a few million people. I started to panic but instead of verbally discussing the problems with his proclamation, I was quiet and just smiled something like a Mona Lisa smile. I prayed and tossed and turned inside–Lord, help! I need down time, not to do something very scary and stress-provoking! I don’t have a helmet, two of our girls don’t have helmets, our youngest has — a TRICYLE — and this not what we all need right now. This is ludicrous! How can I explain to him that this is total nonsense and dangerous and I need to recoup (several 90+ F days all day and into the night, working harder than I ever have, to be ready on time to shut the door to our place) from the move before jumping as a family on bikes for the first time? I started to calm down. I thought, The situatuation will show him. Don’t say anything. Let him put together the bike. Get on the bike and roll down the road, and then let him say, “Well I guess we’re not ready for a big bike ride altogether–how about if we go ahead with our original plan and go swimming?” If I suggest all of that, it will have hiccups in the conversation and friction and frustration and he will eventually say “You’re right…” Well I realized that it is the *idea* of it that excites him, not the reality of it. So at most, all I will have to do is to casually mention in a non-emotional tone that it is illegal for the two girls to ride without helmets, and it will all calm down. We’ll end up riding in the college parkinglot behind the house.
I realized today that I don’t need to be the proof-person explaining and convincing and showing, who is inwardly panicking at what is at stake, when he comes up with an idea that might not square with reality. I end up feeling desperate to try to get him to see, and he ends up either feeling like I’m a nag or he feels deflated. I can back off and let reality speak for itself, and pray for a good resolve of whatever it is.
So your post somehow underscored and reinforced this marriage-saving nugget I discovered right before reading. When a situation like this arises (as it does so often out of the blue), I don’t want to be in the position of trying to put on brakes and having tension between him and me, that always gets resolved anyway when he eventually sees the reality of the situation. Why not let him encounter the limits himself and have a happy relationship in those moments? I want to be a supportive wife, and not be perceived as nagging when he talks about doing something. Whether it is a time management estimate, a dream of travel, a dream of a tiny house, a dream of a 200 person dinner party (such as Thanksgiving or a Christian version of a Passover) when we had planned on a handful of families, he will come to the rubber meeting the road, and scale to what is actually doable.
Leila says
I love this story!
I think a corollary to what I said is to learn the subtext of the other person… sounds like your husband is saying, “Wouldn’t it be wonderful to host 200 people someday” but it comes out as “let’s invite 200 people this weekend” — like, you have to apply the discount rate, or know the code, or something! Sounds like you have figured it out!
Mrs. T says
Great story, Anna. A moment of grace!
Ellen says
In our marriage prep, we heard the concept of dreaming together. There was probably some kitchy name for it. You have a time where you have conversations about random ideas that are big and little dreams. Then at some point, you make a list and discuss which ones actually mean alot to you as a family, and how could they be achieved. It is a way of listening to eachother without crushing hearts, as you said. We have been doing this regularly and that’s how we ended up with 30 acres and a yard full of farm machinery!
Donna L. says
Ooo! I love this, Ellen~ 🙂 Thank you for sharing–I am going to *steal* this idea, if you don’t mind
Lynn says
We have the same discussion about the location of my purse when I drive! He really doesn’t like things at his feet and I need all my nice items within reach. My purse ends up beside me by the door, which isn’t comfortable, or in the back with the kids (who will step on it.) It didn’t occur to me to look for a practical solution. Thank you!
Whitney says
Before I was Catholic, I cohabitated with the man I was with and he was abusive. Before an incident of violence, he would passive aggressively wash the dishes.
Fast forward a decade, a conversion, a marriage, and two kids, sometimes, my husband kindly starts to do the dishes for me. Early in our marriage, this would make the hair stand up on my arms. I would rush down and say “oh no, dear, I’ll do it I’ll do it!” and he would, a bit bewildered, accept the offer.
Then of course, I would complain that I always end up doing the dishes.
We had agreed before marriage to go to couples therapy at least once a month… Forever. Somethings are so tangled in trauma or in your development years that it helps to have a therapist there. Now we have practiced communicating issues so often in therapy, that it feels easy and natural to do at home.
But we still go once a month. It’s easier to clean a little every day than a once a year massive cleaning session. It’s easier to work on your marriage consistently all the time than wait for some massive blow up.
And now my husband does the dishes while I nurse the baby, no panic involved.
Murielle says
I want to get the DVD!! That is awesome. What an inspiration—a dream for 30 years finally realized, with the help of community to pull it off!
Nicole says
This is so good!! Look for the underlying meanings and don’t jump to a hasty conclusion; so helpful as a reminder for us cholerics out there. 🙂 We both recently listened to an audiobook that was about attachment theory and how your early formative years in your family of origin create an imprint in how you later relate to and love your spouse. It was just what you’re saying here– we have knee-jerk reactions we might not even *realize* we are having because of our past! And we think they’re just totally normal. The book was also helpful at encouraging people to do real work on improving how they relate to/love their spouse in spite of it all, and these little things you mention are often a piece of that puzzle.
Laura says
May I have the name of the audiobook? Thank you!
Nicole says
“How We Love” by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. They’re Christian and not everything they say did I agree with (but that’s rare anyway for any self-help/relationship book!). Nevertheless, the most helpful part is just sorting out what your past brings to your current marriage relationship, and the communication guide, so you don’t end up with fire fights. For that, I thought it was worth the listen/read!
Leila says
And just say “just so you know, this thing you say/do stresses me out! unreasonable, I know… “
Tara says
I have noticed the magic phrase is “*When you do* this thing it stresses me out . . .because *I want this positive thing for us in the future.”* This way, we avoid the part about whether Chappie A really does that thing or how often, it’s just, you know, whenever he happens to do this thing, if indeed he ever does, it has this effect on Chapette B, and then we direct the solution to a future goal that we both know is good. “When you take the bag out of the bin and do not put another bag in the bin it means I am hosing out old banana peels out of the bin, (which the kids are just waiting to throw in there til the bag is out, you know they are) and I would rather spend all that extra hosing time fixing you a big bleu cheese burger with caramelized onions and boozy mushrooms.” Haha.
Leila says
Yes! “I feel so peaceful when you tell me things will be okay” is better than “When you immediately say ‘oh dear’ I get stressed out.”
However, in a “free and frank discussion” or “airing of grievances” it’s understood that we can just say it.
I also like “love means… ” — this solved the trash bag issue. “Love means putting in a new bag before taking the full one out so that lightening-fast five-year-olds don’t throw yukky stuff into an empty bin”
This is a good one for those whose love language is acts of service (and I believe that as we get older, we all become acts of service lovers, because deeds are greater than words!). “Love to me means… ”
And then, of course, we ourselves should be searching for ways to express this kind of love!
Anonymous says
We just bought a king-sized bed.
He tends to sleep in the middle of the bed so I’m definitely categorizing it as a marriage-improvement purchase, among other things 😂😊
I did not think I could have another newborn in a queen without going crazy!
Leila says
I can’t promise you that the clips will keep him on his side of the bed! LOL
Kim F. says
Now THAT would be a great invention! 😉
MargP says
I’ve complained about my husband taking all the covers and he sincerely believes I’m pushing them off of me and onto him during the night! But I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Hubs gets in bed and literally rolls to his side along with all the covers! Anticipating it (when I’m awake obviously) I will hang onto my portion until he’s settled! I guess he’s tired and doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. It’s no problem once he’s settled. It’s pretty funny in a way now that I know what’s happening. But for years when the kids were little I was often asleep before him only to wake up cold and blanket-less.
Can I say that letting my husband reach the correct conclusion on his own is soooo much easier than nagging him? I just say a little prayer to Jesus that it not kill us and I’m fine.
Leila says
I will say that due to um, temperature changes on my part, I do tend to throw off the covers, making it easier for him to steal!
But truly, the clips have settled everything down!
MargP says
Oh, I could see where that could be a problem. Thankfully, I don’t get hot flashes. Last year when we were getting a new mattress the sales person showed us a mattress that stays cool all the time. I was like no thank you! I get into bed I want to be warm! I stretched out on it and thought I’d never fall asleep with that coolness.
I’m going to have to give those clips some thought.