A priest recently asked me what advice to give to a bride who wanted to know how to demonstrate to her husband that she accepts his headship.
My answer is too long for here, and probably is not what you think, but one aspect of it I would like to discuss briefly: it's up to the wife to make sure that her husband knows he is seen, especially as he comes and goes.
A bride must be patient while obtaining some children. When this is accomplished, she should set about gently teaching them to part from and greet him in a manner that makes him feel armed for the battle and truly appreciated for conquering the dragons, respectively.
When he's heading off to work (even if he's working from home), the children should pause from their activities and say goodbye. (Studies show that men who kiss their wives before leaving for work have lower rates of heart attack; my husband, whose commute is approximately 28 paces to his study, never omits his “medicine.”)
When he returns, their joyful greeting should resound in his ears.
A little sacrifice is offered, pulling oneself away from an activity; temptation is resisted, to assume that his departures and arrivals are to be taken for granted. Some wives might even say, “Oh, he doesn't mind… ” or “He is fine with it.”
It can seem more natural (whatever that means) to have him slip in and out, as if he doesn't matter all that much, as if he isn't the protector and provider, as if his own assessment of his humble service is the only measure the family has for him.
But who would not be happier with a demonstration of appreciation? I'm not a man, but I imagine that coming home to shouts of gladness and tight hugs is recompense for a lot of what the world hands him every day.
Eye contact should be made. Kisses should be given. “Bye, Daddy, I love you!” “Daddy! You're home!” I think there are days when the children's momentary expressions can make or break a man's will to go off and/or to come back…
A ritual is the way to accomplish a more loving and appreciative mode that demonstrates esteem for a person. But rituals don't make themselves! In this case, Mother makes it happen, though Father can assist: my father used to come in whistling the same four notes — that was the alert that offered a couple of seconds to put down the book and welcome him.
Other cultures are a bit better about these rites of “passage” (not death of course… well, we hope not). Life together can't be only ritualistic, but eliminating rituals impoverishes us. One thing rituals do is acknowledge hierarchies, which is what that bride was, perhaps unbeknownst to herself, wondering about.
“Say bye to Daddy!” “Here comes Daddy! Run and give him a kiss!” Once established, the family pattern keeps itself alive (with only a few quiet reminders now and then).
Little rituals keep love alive. The glory of the family is its sovereignty in these matters of little expressions of esteem and affection — you can make them exactly the way you want. But do incorporate them!
{bits & pieces}
A nice cutout collection: “Fr. Peter”
If you have followed the controversy surrounding the Covington boys, you might be interested in the outcome of a court case regarding the “duty” of those in Congress to defame citizens; the court ruled against them using a similar case in which my husband was the lead plaintiff.
Why do we search for subtle arguments about justice, natural law, and political theory? We need the 10 Commandments.
The Blessed Virgin was not an unwed mom. Those who oppose abortion have taken to saying that she is because they mistakenly think that they are helping women who are in fact unwed moms. Even when the ancients (particularly in the Byzantine tradition) speak of her as “unwedded bride” they are not using the term the way we do — they mean something more like, well, Virgin and Mother. Sadly, the word virgin has fallen into desuetude, tracking, possibly, with our willingness to rob Our Lady of her title. Cardinal Burke gave a beautiful sermon on the subject; let us think with the mind of the Church. (Because abortion is an election topic, the subject has come up — it will only intensify as Advent comes upon us. I just want to say that we cannot err by speaking with more respect and honor for sacred persons, not less… )
from the archives
Green tomato chutney of deliciousness
From the LMLD Library Project: Two of my favorite children's books
liturgical year
St. Januarius — miracles are all around us
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Candice says
In our home, when dad leaves for work we say (loudly) “Say goodbye to dad!” in a sing-song way. And the kids all come running in from their various morning duties to hug and kiss dad. And when he comes home we shout “Daddy’s home!” and again they all come running. He used to groan a bit when we did this but I felt it was important (he was already focused on the things of work by the time he was leaving). But now that the kids are older and it still is our habit, it’s a real blessing. Even the 13 year old is very upset if he has over slept and didn’t say goodbye to dad. He works in a secular field and deals with the world in his face all day long. He needs this greeting and goodbye from his family. I have also found that on the days he is home from work, I have to work to make sure he gets to decide the day. This can be hard to put aside my plans, but I don’t want him to feel that on his days off (he has every other Friday off) that he is intruding in his own home. Even if one of our normal things gets scheduled for one of those off Fridays, it is set aside for his plans. And usually those plans end up being more fun and more fruitful for our family then if we had just followed my plans. There really is a blessing to “letting” the husband be the head of the family (let’s face it, we do have to “let” him lead; in many cases he’s not going to just take the reins, he’s been brought up in the modern world that has told him repeatedly to take the back seat). Thank you for this! You don’t hear this sort of advice very often.
NoviceWife says
Any advice on how to allow children to greet but not bombard? It’s a little overwhelming at times when the kids go nuts but Dad can’t get into the house because 5 littles are excitedly blocking his path. Admittedly, I grew up with a single mom (just the two of us) so I never saw this growing up; no memories at all of my parents as they divorced when I was a baby. So much of marriage feels natural but also like I’m drawing on zero experience! My husband teaches in a middle school so riddled with problems, it’s likely akin to working in a prison. He is verbally abused by students and surrounded by angry young adolescents most of his day. So sometimes the excitement is too much upon coming home, possibly because he just came from a loud, chaotic environment at work. And I do know I’m not great at kisses and hugs upon parting or reuniting. We have some challenges in that department due to I think, trauma I’ve endured in the marriage resulting in major trust issues. Sigh. Anyway, further ideas are welcomed, Leila! Unfortunately, he leaves for work in the dark when we are still sleeping. Appreciate you so much!
Leila says
This is the sort of thing that I mean when I say that each family is “sovereign” — no one can say, beyond the main exhortation to meet and greet and send off, what exactly to do.
A ritual smooths the path and calms the various temperaments that are likely to get out of control. Each person having a particular role helps… Perhaps a serious meeting with the children to ask them what they think *he* would like and appreciate as a greeting, after some talk about what his day is like *for him* — without, of course, making them worry or take the problems on their shoulders.
In the family, we love each other, so we can be inventive and clever when challenged to express that love. “How can we make Daddy know we’re happy to see him, but also feel peaceful?”
One thought: Let them give their rambunctious hellos and then channel them off to some “play before supper” while you and he have 10 minutes to decompress before picking up family life again. A light cocktail or glass of wine while he changes his clothes, with only well behaved children allowed, a beer for him while you finish up the supper, or perhaps he takes the baby and the eldest while you get the others to finish up a chore…
You’ll know what to do, I know it!
NoviceWife says
Great ideas! Thank you!
Theresa says
I just wanted to share that I completely understand your predicament! I was a teacher in a very busy middle school before we adopted our children, and I could barely be civil to my own dear hubby when I walked in the door! It was very hard to shake off the stress….Now, we homeschool, and his job involves helping the chronically ill, the dying and grieving families – sometimes he can’t process and share about his day until late at night! Might I suggest that he find a few minutes before coming home to: walk around a local track, get a cup of coffee, run a grocery errand, etc., just to clear his head and re-join civilization, a la, the family who adores him? Or, have a few of your lovelies ready with sneakers on to walk the neighborhood with Dad when he comes home to let off steam? Best of luck – children have more compassion than we often see… – Leila’s ideas are spot on!
Leila says
Good thoughts, Theresa! I recommend Alice von Hildebrand’s By Love Refined — she has just this advice on how to shift gears upon returning home.
Amy says
Can confirm that the “children ready to be outside with dad” is a VERY useful strategy. My husband’s decompression time is ~10 minutes outside with the dog immediately upon coming home from work (I literally kiss him and take his lunch box/coat, all other conversations must wait until dinner), and children who are not found guilty of high crimes and misdemeanors during the day are allowed to be dressed and ready to be outside with him and the dog when he comes home. He is of course always delighted to see his children at the end of a workday but as an introvert who has spent his whole day managing people he finds it less overwhelming for them to all be outside together than to immediately be besieged to come “see this/play that/find the other” the minute he walks in the door. Plus I get to send them outside while I am trying to finish dinner!! Win-win!! 😀
Catherine says
What a lovely post! My husband and I weren’t especially demonstrative about his comings and goings until our fifth child was a toddler. She would not let him leave without a kiss, even running to the car to get one before he backed out, in tears at the thought of missing it. Her simple attitude and respect have changed both of our attitudes–now, when we hear him entering or leaving, she and I run to meet him.
Alice Baldwin says
Great post and so important. I’ve always felt when someone returns home and barely gets a recognition of their arrival (nose still in an electronic device) is so disheartening.
And the Fr. Peter cut out is great. As a sacristan this actually helps to explain certain reasons for doing what we do.
Amanda Wells says
Thanks so much for this post. We kind of organically do this but I never thought of it being a way to convey respect. I love the idea of making it a ritual for that purpose. BTW, Guy at the blog What Women Never Hear has a helpful list of other ways to communicate respect – off-hand I recall always looking at him while he’s speaking, improving the quality of meals/laundry/housework, not jabbering about trifles, and most importantly keeping yourself looking nice. Google it, you’ll like it.
Anonymous for this one says
Would love to hear the other advice, especially as it may apply to a very choleric husband/father, whose preferences tend to dominate the house.
We certainly do this, and he loves it.
Leila says
I will work it into my next book 🙂
But I do speak about some of it in God Has No Grandchildren.
So much has to do with temperaments! It’s okay to be spirited and to say what you need to say, including “you delegated this, right??” and “back off, my dear overlord” WHILE also being charming and deferential… choleric people can take it!
Julie Zilkie says
This is SO timely, and I needed to hear this and get better at acknowledging the coming and going of our fearless leader!
Virginia says
Haha great advice! I know that when I’m mad at my husband or feeling resentful or unappreciated this is how I show it–not pausing in the book we’re reading or the chores we’re doing to acknowledge him.
Leila says
I think it’s very easy for the mother to feel that the husband owes her something when he comes home. I certainly felt that way (I was such a brat).
I think it can help her to think of him away from home, doing what he does *for the family* and being so grateful that they love him.
It’s terrible to think our sacrifices are not appreciated.
Z says
Thank you for this. I would love to hear more from you about communication with husbands, how to appreciate them more, really what does the dynamic look like with real life examples of a wife being cognizant of his role and how to not overstep yet encourage, and any tips on the care of phlegmatic-sanguine ones with a choleric-melancholic wife (unfortunately for him).
Adele says
Any thoughts on really unpredictable schedules? My husband works in organ transplant and some weeks he barely needs to go to work and other weeks he only comes home for a few hours of sleep and no one sees him. When we’re up it’s a huge deal (because five very loving kiddos) but what to do when he’s barely home?
Amy says
Adele, if you have a smartphone can you set yourself a reminder to send him something at a specific time of day? It can be a text, a voicemail, an email, a quick video message, anything that works for you. My husband occasionally has to work double/night shifts and when he does we always “call Daddy” at his break time so we can check in and he can hear our kids’ voices before he goes off to the next job and we go to sleep. It’s a 5 minute conversation but I know it means so much to him. Because my husband has a specific break time we know when to do it so that we can have a conversation with him, but if your husband’s schedule is unpredictable I think the timing of the routine is less about when is convenient for him to receive it (by the wonders of technology it will be there whenever he is ready/available!) and more about when is it convenient for you to send it OR when will you remember to do so. Think of if you were him and in the midst of a long shift you say to yourself – ‘Oh, it’s after [X o’clock], I should have a message from Adele and the kids by now!” What a lift 🙂 Good luck to you!
Laura Singer says
This is a sweet post. My children and husband have a ritual of giving high fives before work. The child gets to give the amount of high fives that corresponds to his or her age. Then the kids dragged it out by adding special hand gestures for extra days, months, half a year, etc. And a hug from Daddy. The kids would pile on their bikes and ride to the end of the block to wave goodbye. When he got home, the kids would swamp him like a military homecoming (husband worked very long hours and we didn’t see much of him; thankfully his schedule has recently lightened up a bit although he now leaves before the kids are up so no special goodbyes). The loving goodbyes and greetings happened naturally because the kids love their Daddy so much, but I can see I may need to give it some encouragement to continue as they get older.
Candice says
Thank you Leila for another wonderful post! You found the essence – it’s about being ‘seen’.
We’ve always kept in mind how ‘man’s best friend’ aka dog greets someone arriving home. That’s been our model for 10 plus happy years.
Ginni says
This is lovely! Thank you for the timely reminder. I have one child, in particular, who delights everyone because she always runs to greet them, or to see them out the door with kisses and hugs. I have always felt that the Holy Spirit is behind this. And so I must be more about doing this same thing. As a man gets no acclaim or validation for his jobs of husband and father in any media, he must receive it from those who dearly love him.
P.S. Please put this into your book!!! It is revolutionary.
Diana Johnston says
This was an awesome post. I would love to hear more of what you say in terms of marriage and family advice. (I know you’ve written tons before, but more is very much welcomed!!!)