For the previous post in this series, click here.
I don't claim to be an expert bridesmaid myself. I have only been one a few times, and I'm sure I made my blunders along the way. But I have witnessed my fair share of bridesmaid-ing, have been a bride myself, and have heard from brides about what their bridesmaids did for them. With all that in mind, I have put together a compendium for you.
So tuck this one away, all ye bridesmaids and would-be bridesmaids, ye unsung heroines of Wedding World.
Without further ado — the Timeline:
1. When she “pops the question.”
Consider your response carefully. When you hear “Will you be my bridesmaid,” you may be excited, flattered, and/or overwhelmed. You should know that the question also means “Can you be my bridesmaid.” For most American weddings, being a bridesmaid is a fairly demanding, time-consuming, and often expensive role (see all the below for further details).
For this reason, you are not required to accept a bride's “proposal.” Distance, finances, logistics, family concerns… there are many reasonable reasons why saying “yes” is not the best choice. I have seen cases where women gave a bridal party affirmative despite having hesitations or being secretly unwilling, and consequently gave the bride a lot of grief throughout planning.
On the other hand, all the brides who have shared with me about their stellar bridesmaids have had a common theme: their bridesmaids went above and beyond. They wanted to be bridesmaids. If you can't agree wholeheartedly, do yourself and the bride a favor by thanking her for the honor but declining, “since you would want to be the best possible bridesmaid for her and you're just not up for it at present.” Don't say “yes” unless you mean it.
Mary's bridesmaids (including Andrea, at left) worked wonders to help this bride enjoy her day.
Be clear and realistic about expectations. Maybe you know that you're not going to make history with your bridesmaid-ing performance, but you still want to be in the bridal party and the bride wants you to as well. That's fine – just be up front from the start about what you can and can't do (and what you can and can't afford, if that's a concern).
Also be sure that you understand from the beginning what she's going to be needing from you, and then plan accordingly. For example, you could make it explicit that you won't be free during the week leading up the wedding to help her set up, but maybe what she's really hoping for anyway is that you'll do some venue-hunting with her at the five-months-before mark. Discuss those things now.
Photo credit: Ryan Scott Johnson
2. The months leading up to the big day.
Know your bride, stay in touch, help out. Different brides will have different needs.
Bride A is planning a small, artistic, DIY wedding in 3 months. Bride B is planning a large, formal wedding a year from now and has hired 6 vendors and a professional wedding planner. While Bride A may need a lot of hands-on support, help researching and budget shopping, and an extra eye on her to-do list, Bride B needs less help with details and more talking-down, grounding, and stress-relief. (I'm hoping there won't be any Bridezillas involved but I can't make any promises. See my next post for my thoughts on that.)
Here are some items that come up for brides in the months leading up to the reception:
finding a dress; dress fitting; venue; venue decorating; organizing the guest list; invitations; invitation wording; getting invitations addressed and sent; stress about relatives; marriage prep; officiant; registering; rethinking venue decorations; price of decorations; Pinterest overdosing; finding a photographer; bridesmaid dresses; mother of the bride dress; venue rules about alcohol; price of alcohol; concerns about alcohol-and-a-certain-relative; mens' attire; veil; shoes; jewelry; table linens rentals; RSVPs; first dance; purchasing wedding bands; bridal showers; concerns about weight; cake; flowers; flower girls; flower girl dresses; dress fitting; rethinking venue decorations; transportation; friction with relatives/involved parties; planning for out-of-town guests; programs; seating cards; seating charts; signage; ceremony music; ceremony musicians; reception music; gifts; thank-you notes; packing for honeymoon…
… just to give you a heads up in case this is your first rodeo or you've forgotten.
Don't ask her, “Can I help with anything?” Instead, ask her, “What is something that needs to get done now that I can take care of?” or “Want to assign me a task for the coming weekend?” Alternatively: Get her out for a drink or a walk or something entirely non-wedding-ish. Encourage her to go on a date with her fiance during which they discuss their future but don't spend a moment on wedding planning…
So stay in touch and know your friend's particular needs.
My friend Monica raved about how her bridesmaids Mary and Katrina supported her from day one. Photo credit: Nassimbeni Photography
Be a sport about the dress. You will see this on all the advice lists, and there's a reason.
Probably the No. 1 way that bridesmaids cause difficulty for their brides is related to the bridesmaid dress. Some brides may try harder than others to make this issue go smoothly for their beloved friends and helpers, but the fact remains that it's never going to be easy to please everyone. I don't think I need to spell this out too much.
Do some helpful hunting, keep an eye out for suitable dresses on sale, give input where appropriate, stay on task if you have to give measurements or get yourself to fittings, acquire the proper footwear, shell out the dough where applicable, and wear the thing. Don't expect to look like the belle of the ball, because you shouldn't, anyway. It's worth noting that the more helpful and proactive you are in dress shopping, the better your chances for wearing something you actually like.
Tip: Keep any sartorial issues that you have on the wedding morning to yourself. No one wants to be the bridesmaid bringing down the bride's mood on her big day, but if you're whiny about how you look, you will. I once helped a bridesmaid spend upwards of half an hour zipping up her ill-fitting, uncomfortable dress… and the bride was none the wiser because that bridesmaid handled it like a pro.
Remember to smile as you walk down the aisle! Eyes up, bouquet at waist level. Photo credit: Ryan Scott Johnson
Throw her a shower. This is traditionally the role of the Maid of Honor. If you are the MOH, plan accordingly and communicate with the other bridesmaids to include them and get their help. If you're not, see what you can do to assist the MOH in this task. If you are not personally throwing her a shower, make sure that either a) someone in the bridal party is or b) there's a very good reason why not.
Start talking dates very early on to avoid scheduling difficulties. Schedule the shower at least a month before the wedding day itself if possible.
Tip: You (or another bridesmaid) are responsible for recording the gifts and who gave what while the bride opens presents! Later on, email her the list so she has a record for thank-you notes.
3. The week of.
Be a calm, capable hand on deck. Especially in the case of DIY weddings, there's a lot that needs to happen in the final days, so do your best to be present for the bride.
Think ahead of time about your travel and accommodations if you don't live near the wedding location. Flowers and decor are some of the big items that can't get done in advance, so see how you can make yourself useful on those. Be proactive. Keep your eyes and ears open for things that need to get done, and then do them. Don't raise issues unless you're prepared to help address them or take care of them entirely.
If, despite your best efforts, you're not going to be able to be there early, find out if there are any last-minute items you can help with from a distance (e.g., ceremony program, putting together tips/thank-yous for vendors to have ready, organizing something from the bride's personal/professional life that she won't have time for while she's focused on the wedding… ).
These table number jack-o-lanterns at Katelyn's wedding didn't carve themselves! Photo credit: Hannah of Classic Photographers
Help her prepare for the honeymoon. That bag needs to get packed, her pet needs to be taken care of, she and the groom need a plan for getting to the airport, and you are there to assist.
Throw her a bachelorette party! This is a good-girls zone, so you know that I'm talking about an evening (or day) of classy fun. Based on the bride's preferences, this might be a run around town or it might be a night in doing nails (we LMLD ladies, so far, have emphasized fun cocktails and quality ice cream at home, because ice cream is important to us).
However you celebrate, take some time to provide her with a “trousseau” (as Natasha calls it) and help her enjoy the days leading up to her wedding – her last days as a maiden before she takes on her new role as wife.
4. The night before.
Be a rehearsal MVP. Get there on time, making sure that the bride is also getting there on time and is in a steady state (remember: she should wear her bridal shoes if she's concerned about walking in them and it's good if she has a “bouquet” so she can practice the hand-off to her MOH). Pay attention so that you're on top of your game come the morning. The bride will have nerves and may forget something, so she needs you to be doing your homework here.
Tip: Make sure that all members of the bridal party know the proper way for a man to escort a lady. The man offers his arm, the lady slips her hand through his hooked elbow, like this:
Photo credit: Ryan Scott Johnson
I die a little each time I see this reversed, but it's a very common groomsman error! The indispensable bridesmaid must step in and ward off this faux pas, because no one else will!
Wind down, lights out. The bride needs to go to bed “at a reasonable time” (as Auntie Leila would say), and she needs your help to get there. Almost all the brides I've had the pleasure to attend on their wedding mornings were sleep deprived because they were up late at the rehearsal dinner, completing last-minute tasks, or chatting with their girlfriends. At this point, she is likely feeling very lively and running on adrenaline, so she might not be aware if she is exhausted and is probably forgetting how important rest will be to her on her big day.
So help her out by taking the phone/glue gun out of her hands, tucking her in, and shooing away any interfering parties.
5. The morning of.
Prioritize breakfast. Don't let her head into her big day on an empty stomach. Chances are good that neither she nor anyone else has thought about a good plan for the lot of you to get fed, so go ahead and get on that.
Tip: Yes, mimosas are fun. But rarely have I seen a bride even get a chance to raise her glass, let alone drain it. I have nothing against them in theory – provided there really is time for them – but just be sure to prioritize protein over alcohol. There will be time for partying later.
Cultivate calm. Even if the bride wants an upbeat atmosphere on her wedding morning (and check with her before you assume, as many bridesmaids to, that she wants it to be a party), there needs to be an underlying sense of peace, curated by you and the other bridesmaids.
Keep in mind that any other people present (photographer, members of the groom's family, florist dropping off flowers… ) may or may not contribute to the desired atmosphere. The Mother of the Bride may be struggling with her own anxieties, as this is also a big day for her.
Tip: The music keeps the mood high a T-minus 4 hours, but at T-minus 1 hour it's subtly making everyone crazy. Turn off the stereo well before dressing-time for best results with bridal stress levels.
Get dressed with plenty of time. While there's a certain moment when it's time to get the bride dressed, you on the other hand just need to be dressed by that time, all prepared for photos and for attending to Herself. This moment can be bit hard to pin down, so just go ahead and dress yourself as soon as it seems remotely appropriate to do so. In other words, don't wait to be told to get dressed.
Photo credit: Ryan Scott Johnson
Have all bags by the door/in the car. Not only do you need to clear out of this space (whether it's the bride's home or a hotel or what have you) by go-time, but you also need to make sure that the bride's things are all in order as well. Make sure you're keeping track of your things and then make sure that the bride's bags are all ready to go as well. Double check that she has her toiletries from this morning and that her honeymoon bag and getaway dress are where they need to be for after the reception.
Say a prayer with the bride. Whether it's in the dressing room, at the breakfast table, or in the car on the way to the church, help her lift her mind to God and remember the focus of the day.
For more on the morning topic, see my post on 10 Practical Tips for a Calm Wedding Morning.
6. During the ceremony.
Have a tissue stash. You never know who might need one: the bride, the bride's grandmother, you yourself… Be that clutch girl who has a tissue handy.
The hand off: one of the MOH's key moments. Photo credit: Ryan Scott Johnson
Keep the bride looking her best. The Maid of Honor is responsible for arranging the bride's train and veil whenever necessary Rule of thumb: be discreet, be reverent – but do what you need to do to keep her garments in place. If she has a long train and/or veil, this may mean standing up and taking a moment to gently arrange her each time she goes from kneeling/sitting/standing for a long period of time. If you're not the Maid of Honor, you can play a supporting role by having those tissues at the ready – as well as other potential lifesavers like needle and thread, safety pins, facial wipes, perfume, etc. And make sure that you yourself are poised, since you will likely be ending up in lots of photos! (Perhaps practice that graceful knee-bend-when-adjusting-the-train.)
7. After the ceremony.
Smile like it's your job. Because it is – when it's time for taking photos. Be in the right spot at the right time, paying attention and facilitating a smooth photo session. No one likes to stress out about whether the group is gathered and ready for the photographer.
Keep the couple fed. Unless the wedding is very small and/or casual, it is quite likely that the couple will end up spending a significant amount of time “on” (e.g. posing for photos, greeting guests in a receiving line) without getting any food or refreshment. Supplying some hydration and food is a good idea here. Best case scenario: you obtain a sampling of the cocktail hors d'oeuvres for them on the sly.
Tip: Find out in advance whether your bride has a very long photo session planned for between ceremony and reception. If you can't talk her down from this (the photographer is likely the culprit here; remind the bride that she is a paying customer and not at his mercy), at least have a plan for sustenance along the way.
8. At the reception.
Be a co-hostess. You are on the good-times committee. Guests will look to you to know the cues for the party. You will help to set the tone by directing folks to the guest book, encouraging dancing (grab a groomsman and get on the floor!), and including stragglers. Go ahead and do your best to break the ice among guests and keep spirits high. The bride's family can only be in so many places at once.
Photo credit: Ryan Scott Johnson
Refresh the bride. She may need her veil stowed safely (it's proper to switch out of the veil after photos and before entering the reception venue, although some brides may choose to keep their veils on during the meal), her train bustled (you better have done your homework on that one and know where the appropriate buttons and hooks are!), her lipstick reapplied, her stray hairs tucked away, etc. etc. Be by her side before her reception entrance and then keep an eye on her during the night should anything arise.
Run interference. Does someone have a question/point of business for the bride? They can run that by you, thanks (especially if you're the MOH). Is someone misbehaving? The happy couple doesn't need to know. Etc.
Toast graciously and memorably. If you are the Maid of Honor or have otherwise been slated for a speech, you have the opportunity to make a major contribution to the quality of the evening. Remember that half the gathered crowd – the groom's side – may be relying on you to learn more about the bride – some may never have met her. Take time in advance not only to plan out what you will say, but to practice your speech at home or in front of a friend so that you can refine it, work out your nerves, and deliver it all the better on the day of.
You should aim to strike a balance between speaking about the happy couple and speaking to them, with your speech actually concluding in a toast — expressing a desired blessing that everyone else can get behind and raise a glass to. Most toasting guidelines stress brevity, which is probably wise – but I think that many do so in light of the fact that most people make boring toasts. Obviously we all want a boring toast to end as quickly as possible. Personally, I look forward to the toasts as one of my favorite moments of any evening and am heartily disappointed when the toasts are ill-prepared and short. A great toast can turn a fine dinner into a really fun dinner and rank among the couple's favorite memories of the night – so I say aim high.
Tip: Do not start out your speech with the phrase “When I realized I was going to be making this speech, I thought…” Just don't. Don't start off by talking about what you're going to talk about. Instead, just say it. For best effect, be sure to have your concluding line memorized.
This dedicated bridesmaid had a song prepared as part of her toast at Monica's wedding! Photo credit: Nassimbeni Photography
9. Seeing her off.
Collect the goods. She needs to change into her getaway clothes and hand her dress and ensemble off to a competent party – likely you. When the time is right, be there for her to help her slip away and change, reemerging knowing that her gown, etc., is in good hands.
Bridesmaids can help direct guests to the restrooms – and of course duck back there to primp the bride if necessary. This one was decked out nicely for Natasha's wedding. Photo credit: Coba Images
Double check. Again, make sure that the proper baggage has made its way to wherever she will be going/whatever vehicle she'll be in.
Is the car decked out? If there is a relevant getaway vehicle, it ought to look like one. For the record, this is the responsibility of the groomsmen, so your only role here would just be to make sure that they know that at least a day in advance (many guys don't!).
10. ‘Til lights out do you part.
Don't quit til closing time. Whether it's being cheerful through the after-party, making sure the guests pick up their favors, or helping the Mother of the Bride collect decor, you should plan to be one of the last to leave.
And now, please weigh in, dear readers! Former brides – did you have an indispensable bridesmaid? What did she do?
Bridesmaids – do you have tips and tricks to share?
Any further questions about being a bridesmaid?
Next in {pretty, happy, real weddings}: My one big secret to happy wedding planning!
Previously in this series:
Your Marriage is Your Gift to Others: A Guide to Registering
Google Docs Bride: the Virtual Guest List
The Wholesome, Good-Times Reception
How to get the Wedding Reception you Really Want
How To: Cut Back on the 5 Big Costs of Weddings
10 Practical Tips for a Calm Wedding Morning
Diana says
My goodness! I never got a change to be a bridesmaid (first of my friends to get married, then moved to a new city where all my friends were married), but after reading this I’m kind of glad to have skipped out. I don’t think I would have done a good job at all!! (But it might have been fun anyway, even if I had flubbed.) I completely agree about the “don’t agree unless you’re SURE” bit, because I have seen the negative consequences to a lackluster bridesmaid commitment.
I love those gorgeous pictures!!!!
Diana says
One more thing – I’m glad to have read this article, however, because I honestly didn’t know there was anything TO being a bridesmaid. I kind of thought it was “just show up, wear a dress, and leave.” Enlightenment!! 🙂
Virginia says
Such great advice! I also love that you’re saying all of these things are the responsibility of the bridesmaid and the community surrounding the bridal couple and not the bride herself. The wedding is the Church, the family and the community blessing the married couple and pledging their support to them, not a performance that the bride is putting on. At least mostly : )
Deirdre says
Yes, SO important to avoid performance mode!
Wanda says
Great job!!!!
Nora C says
When my dear friend got married and I was one of her bridesmaids, the two of us bridesmaids who were already married slipped away as the reception was winding down and drove back to prepare the “honeymoon suite” (her apartment, soon to be theirs). First we cleaned up since everything was a mess of bits of paper from DIY placecards, glue, torn pantyhose, discarded hairspray and a million half-full cups of water and snack wrappers. We arranged all their gifts in the spare room and then we stocked the fridge with nice breakfast foods and set up the coffee maker for the morning. Lastly we set a bottle of champagne on ice, put flowers around the bedroom and set out candles (and matches!) and hung her lovely nightgown from the closet door. Just as we heard their car pull up we said a quick prayer over the bedroom and slipped out the back. We felt like, just as the unmarried bridesmaids were sending off the bride from the ranks of maidenhood, this was our way of welcoming her to the stage of married woman. My friend liked the gesture very much and did the same for her friends as they got married and now its become something of a tradition in our set. Obviously it’s a somewhat intimate thing to prepare the room for newlyweds, so I would only recommend it among very close friends, but it felt fitting somehow; like the bit at the end of C. S. Lewis “That Hideous Strength” when he talks about all the older women through the ages, tucking newlyweds into bed with a wink and a chuckle. We are only older comparatively, but still 🙂
emily b says
I really love this! There is a similar scene in “Kristin Lavransdatter”, with the hanging of special tapestries and other beautiful things in the marital chamber, etc. The bride must have really appreciated this.
Erin says
My MOH did the same. We were staying at a hotel and had asked her husband to check in for us earlier in the day and drop off our bags. He did that and left us bottles of water, champagne, flowers, snacks, candles and a few other fun surprises that his wife had all arranged for us. It was lovely.
The funniest part was that her husband later commented on how light my bag was. Yes, that was because it was nearly empty. The clothes I meant to include were all neatly snacked at home. Oops.
Deirdre says
I love this, Nora! It sounds like you did an amazing job!
Donna L. says
This is beautiful! I was a MOH once, and a bridesmaid twice, and I say “yes” to all you’ve written! Many brides-to-be and their families will be so thankful that you wrote this all down!
I should have been more careful in my choices…one more interested in getting her hair done and just doing makeup, and the other spent a couple of days before our wedding arguing/fussing with her husband and neither of them much help to me as the Bride….gah!
Isabelle says
My bridesmaids kidnapped me on the night before the wedding, so I was not allowed to do or even think about what needed to be done (it’s ok, my Mum took over). We had a lovely relaxed evening and morning, to the point that I was very nearly late for make-up and hair-do. Also, my sister did the best speeches ever.
BridgetAnn says
Yes, yes, to the gracious toasting! And, it shouldn’t have to be said- at least not to the LMLD crowd- but tasteful too, please people! This is the bride(groom)’s wedding day; make them look good! And yes, do spend a little time practicing it; makes a world of difference!
Tia says
yes!! I can’t believe how many horrible-taste toasts I’ve heard.
One in which the dad disclosed that his daughter the bride had cerebral palsy, that he never thought she would amount to anything and that she was “marrying up,” another where the groomsman joked about how many other women the guy had dated.
Toasts should gently rib the people involved, but it should all be light- and good-hearted.
And it really should be about the two people together. If you don’t know the people well enough to say whether the marriage is a good thing or a bad thing, you should spend some time with the couple as a couple to find out!
Leila says
Tia — gasp! What terrible toasts!
Kelsey Marie says
Thank you so much for all of this! As a soon-to-be bride, these things are helpful for me to be aware of (like turning off the music an hour before the ceremony!) Just in case the girls get busy 🙂 Love all of this!
Deirdre says
Kelsey, I would even say well before 1 hour before the ceremony. At least one hour before you are getting into your gown!! Really – it just gives the morning a hectic undertone to have that background noise… Maybe juuust the right music would be a nice addition. But especially when there are many people bustling around and already feeling excited, it just gets to be frantic!
Tia says
I’ve been a bridesmaid three times, but only one of those was at a traditional Christian wedding.
I wish I’d known all that was entailed in being a bridesmaid before I had to be one. I was 22 and it was my first wedding to attend as an adult, so I didn’t realize I was supposed to do anything other than show up in a dress, not complain, be nice to the bride and cheerful to the guests and follow the other bridesmaids’ lead on helping with stuff. It’s helpful to know stuff like this in advance; the bride can’t very well tell you that all this is in order without seeming ungracious or demanding, so it’s great that you have spelled it all out.
(My other two bridesmaid situations were at Indian weddings where bridesmaids have a very nebulous, iffy position. In both, the brides parents do all the planning and the bride just shows up and does what she’s told. The weddings were both huge (750+ guests) so wedding planners were on top of all the nitty gritty details. )
Seeing how much hassle and expense it involved made me not want to put that on other people, so I didn’t have any bridesmaids at my wedding. It worked out fine, though I was up till 5am the night before painting gold border on our wedding contract, and I did have a little trouble finding time to eat at our reception. Still, everything got done, I wasn’t that stressed out, and I got to see my lovely friends no matter what.
Tia says
One thing I would add is volunteering, if you can, any of your special gifts to see if the bride could use them, or trying to recruit others to help provide theirs. Make sure, of course, that it won’t create more problems and hassle for the bride, but it may still be very appreciated and add a really special touch to the festivities.
I’m a journalist and at one of my bridesmaid weddings, I offered to create a Style/Fashion magazine all about the couple, complete with interviews with their friends, childhood pictures, and fun little predictions about their future. It was a hit, a relatively inexpensive party favor and something so many of the guests enjoyed, because they either knew the bride or the groom, but not both. It was also easy to just put out with the other table decorations, so it didn’t add a huge hassle to the process.
At another friend’s very rustic wedding, everyone pitched in to cook the cake, cupcakes and breakfast the next morning. I’ve also seen folks choreograph dances and make video clips for the wedding.
Just because you’re hopeless at decorating, flowers, or organizational things like telling people where to stand at certain times, doesn’t mean you don’t have some special talent to offer.
Nora C says
Yes! If you find out what the bride ACTUALLY cares about, not what she thinks she should care about, you can offer your services. At the same wedding I mentioned earlier it became clear that the bride actually cared very little about the bridesmaids dresses and found the whole thing to be onerous so we just told her to give us a color–she picked “dusty rose”–and we all bought white dresses of whatever style we pleased, and then I dyed them. Everyone just shipped the dresses they had picked to me and I did them all together in one dye bath so they would be consistent. The different fabrics all took the dye a little differently but that made a lovely single-hue, multi-tone look. (We also were all very happy because we got to pick out own dresses and, since there’s always a risk of ruining the dress when you dye it yourself, we picked very cheap ones, like H&M/Forever21/Dehlia’s cheap. But once they were all dusty rose, they actually looked much higher quality!) Win-win.
Deirdre says
Wow, Nora, it sounds like you were seriously the pro. That is fantastic!
Therese says
This is all great advice! A couple things came to mind. As a bride, I remember our best man noticed that a very special wedding present for the bridal party, very special bottles of Prosecco, had not been chilled. He quickly popped the un-opened bottles into a fridge and then brought them out later once they were sufficiently chilled. I was so grateful since this wine is definitely meant to be drunk chilled. Also, if you provide your own alcohol for your wedding, be sure to have a cork screw too!
It would also be helpful to discuss before the big day what the bride and groom’s preference is for the feel of the reception. Is there a DJ that announces everything? Or is the groom especially outgoing and wants to announce everything himself? Do they want more of a casual ambiance and whatever happens whenever is fine? It is more of a groomsman’s job to play or assist the maitre d’, but reminders or hints from the bridesmaids can certainly help things running smoothly. Nothing can be more awkward for a shy bride and groom than to constantly feel like they are leading the way or running the show at the reception. All eyes are on them, and if they are unsure whether to cut the cake or have their first dance, maybe a little guidance or announcement from a member of bridal party is just the thing. It is important to know the bride and groom’s preference though since that behavior may just make them cringe instead!
Deirdre says
The anecdote about your groomsman is a great example of taking the initiative! If you see something that needs to get done, just do it!
Once when I was assisting a bridal party on the morning of (as a hairdresser), the bridesmaids brought in a bunch of champagne and put it on ice to chill in the hotel room bathtub… and then forgot it. This is one of the episodes that has led me to take the stance on mimosas that I take. 🙂 It can be hard to find the right moment to fit in those drinks!
Ellen says
I’ve been an MoH twice, in the process of doing it a 3rd time, and been a bridesmaid once before, too! Easily the best moment of any of this (so far!)…. The bride had asked for a pinata at her bachelorette party, but we had nowhere to hang it when the time came. In the restless ten minutes before the wedding started, trying to help her stay calm in the church basement, I said a Hail Mary with her, then strung up the pinata from the basement ceiling. Veil and all, she grabbed a baseball bat and WENT TO TOWN. A wonderful outlet for her nerves, and an absolutely fantastic memory for us all :).
Deirdre says
So awesome, Ellen. 🙂
Erin says
My MOH confiscated my phone the morning of my wedding. It was perfect. She intercepted every call and only told me about if it she felt I really needed to know or was the only person who had the answer to any questions. I had extensive lists, spreadsheets and plans in place, but even then a few things popped up at the last minute and she handled them all without me knowing!
Leila says
Erin, what a service! It always stuns me to find that people have NO HESITATION in asking the bride ridiculous questions (also the MOB) right before or even on the day of the wedding.
I think screening them as a trusted friend is a wonderful idea.
Deirdre says
Well done, Erin’s MOH!
Katie says
Prioritize breakfast (and protein)– yes! On my wedding day, one of my bridesmaids had stayed over with me, and made sure we had omelettes and fruit and such for breakfast. Then, she went with me to the hair place, kept me tidy the rest of the morning, and took me to lunch one-on-one at one of our favorite spots near the church. I’d had two great meals and several quiet hours before it was really go-time. In fact, I’m not sure I even saw many other people (to really engage them anyway) until the time came to go get dressed and ready for photos. In hindsight, I see that this was a “gift” this particular bridesmaid was uniquely equipped to give– partly because she wasn’t a relative (the others were, and no doubt were masterfully handling the immediate and extended families in from out of town), partly because she is a good friend of my husband’s too and could easily keep us in the loop with the groom’s party, and partly because she has a knack for humor and practicality and could make things relaxed and “normal” for a few hours.
Katie says
Oh, and husbands of bridesmaids with a baby or small child– you are signing up for duty too! Although I anticipated the importance of his help and presence, my husband and I nevertheless navigated this one largely on the fly for a wedding I was in a few months after the birth of our first child. The itinerary emailed in advance may be helpful, but may not be enough to really figure out nursing, napping, etc. until you’re there. In our case it was an out-of-town college friend, so we weren’t particularly plugged in to local family/friends, and I can see this looking very different if you simply know more of the people around. But his hands-on baby support was key — bringing her to me, whisking her away, accepting some hotel downtime and foregoing the chance to make friends with the other guys, explore brewpubs or whatnot, and so on. I was thus able be punctual, prepared, polished, and present for my friend the bride. (And those “p” things are hardly hallmarks of postpartum time, so I was extra-grateful to him for “footing the bill,” so to speak, for my opportunity to dress up and be with other girlfriends for a day or two!) But to Deirdre’s item 1 above, I certainly could not have been a good nursing-mama bridesmaid without my husband on board.
Christine says
Katie (and Deirdre!), thank you for these great tips! I am a bridesmaid for a dear friend in an out-of-town wedding in a few months, and I am also a new mama to a 2 month old. She will be 4 months by the wedding, and I am nervous about the whole napping/nursing thing while being a bridesmaid. I guess my husband will take on the parenting mostly. I am not bottle-feeding my daughter at all, but I’m thinking I have to for the wedding… the dress is not nursing-friendly at all, and what else would I do during the ceremony/Mass anyway? Any thoughts? Thanks again!
Katie says
Christine, agreed, the typical bridesmaid’s dress is not nursing-friendly! I never even attempted to nurse while wearing mine. What I don’t remember, though, is if that involved a bottle (not from me) during the reception. At the time of that wedding I was only nursing, too, but I’d also been appreciating the hand pump on occasion, and it’s a good way to put aside a few ounces for back-up as needed. Especially because I could just leave it at room temperature for a few hours, no messing with fridges or warming or anything. I think that’s what I must have done (pumping briefly at the church before the ceremony), but I don’t know how much if any was used.
I got through the afternoon of prep and photos just by coordinating with my husband. He stayed in casual clothes but brought his suit etc. in the car at the same time I did, and must have changed before the ceremony during one of my nursing sessions. When we got to the church, I nursed in my regular clothes, and then they went for a walk/nap in the park (or something) nearby, while I did hair and got ready. My aim was not to be in the dress except exactly when I needed to be. I think they whisked in again between photos and the ceremony, and as I recall I went straight from nursing/dressing again in the parlor, to the narthex to line up with the wedding party. From there I suppose it depends on the length of your friend’s ceremony and reception, and your particular baby. My daughter was capable of going 2-3 hours between nursings at that point (or at least of not disintegrating without more frequent ones), so our staggering seemed to work out.
I think we got to the church a bit early (or did we go by beforehand?) to learn the whereabouts of the parlor and hallways, restrooms/changing tables, etc., so my husband would know and wouldn’t feel weird about barging in on the ladies-in-waiting in various stages of dressing. =) That way we knew which door he’d use, which hall we’d meet in, etc. And of course there were several lovely local ladies, friends of the bride’s family, who were there serving refreshments but also helped us out. Text messages were key, too!
Your husband will probably also appreciate it if, in advance (sometime that afternoon at the church), YOU confirm with the bride or MOB or wedding coordinator about the expectations about baby noises/exiting during the ceremony, where to hang out if he gets up and goes out, and so forth; and then if YOU personally can walk him through a game plan, so that he knows what to expect without bothering stranger ladies, and has a sense of what you’d do in his shoes. =)
Leila says
Christine and other mothers of very little babies, please think and pray hard before putting this duty before the duty of taking care of the infant. Not only will this likely be very stressful for you, the baby, and your husband, but you could end up quite sick, as dehydration is almost assured — with a breast infection looming.
If it’s an older baby, that’s one thing — a baby who you can pretty much depend on for being okay without you for a few hours. But…
I think that THIS is one of those things that Deirdre mentioned as being worthy of hashing out with your bride beforehand. Your first concern is the baby. If she understands that and knows that you will do your best but can’t be full-out “bridesmaid” material, then go ahead. But if she is going to be offended or demanding, or just not understand, then Auntie Leila says no.
Nursing an infant is not something that you suspend for a day! You will pay, baby will pay. Dad will pay.
Remember, you can be a very happy and contented guest! Or well wishing but mostly not involved bridesmaid. And certainly, you need to have a dress you can nurse in. It’s okay. It’s always okay to put first things first! There will be other opportunities for “girl time” (actually, better ones, as the wedding is a distracting time for all).
Katie says
Be a “well wishing but mostly not involved bridesmaid”– that’s exactly it. I was not there for any of the showers (many states away) or the week-of prep, but we cheerfully rolled into town (a regional driving trip) for the weekend of the wedding. Really I didn’t have any “jobs” at all except being present for the festivities– a “guest” among the other, busier bridesmaids. For this friend, that presence was the support she desired and that I could give. We all had a good time, and in our case, I think my participation was meaningful, achievable, and well worth it. Auntie Leila’s caveats are so sensible though– when I said yes to bridesmaiding while still pregnant, think of all the considerations of new motherhood I didn’t know to consider!
I also recall a girl from our growing-up set who was the first to marry and to have a baby. She was absent altogether from the wedding of her closest friend, and while it inevitably seemed a little off at first, everybody understood that having a baby came first, and her love and support were just as present as if she herself had been. A good example to see early on, of a bride being graceful about the unavailability of her dear friend (and going ahead with her dates and plans etc.), and of a new mother putting her new family first.
Suggesting/discussing a few practical adjustments with the bride was good too– wearing flats with the dress, altering the neckline/straps to better fit a nursing mama, bowing out of the nail and make-up options, etc. I’m sure there were other things too, some of them stemming from the bride that I might not even have known about– she was very thoughtful!
Donna L. says
So true, Auntie Leila!
I was a bridesmaid for my brother and his wife…and I still was able to nurse—I just excused myself an hour before pictures {after I had helped the bride pick up and get dressed}.. in a floor-length brocade in deep purple–and basically unzipped the bodice of the long dress enough to nurse my little one {4 months old} while I sat in one of the dressing rooms….same after the ceremony—I was blessed to be able to do that…lots of family to help with my two-year old, and gave my husband a break, too! She was pretty content after being fed, and was resting for much of the ceremony…
Deirdre says
Christine, I agree with what the ladies have said above. Last summer I helped out extensively with a close girlfriend’s wedding, and even though I wasn’t actually a bridesmaid, it was a big effort from me and The Artist to juggle that with nursing (an 11mo).
It sounds like you’re already committed to being in the dress. If that’s the case, maybe you could rearrange your morning so that you can arrive with your husband to the church and have a good nursing right before the ceremony starts. That way you can at least plan on being set through the Mass. And then meet up again right after – give your bride a heads up about that if that will coincide with photos.
Then maybe just change into a different dress for the reception?
Maria says
Thanks for this post. I admit I am looking through gleaning advice that applies to being the mother of a ring bearer, flower girl, or Jr. Bridesmaid. (All four of my kids are in a wedding in a few weeks–the first time for all of them!).
I have been a bridesmaid once. It was a wonderful experience. The bride did a great job of getting us all acquainted, and from there we worked well as a group and had a lot of fun. Similar to what many other people have mentioned, I made sure that the bride and groom had flowers and breakfast waiting for them when they returned from their honeymoon. I also sent them a card and small gift on their 5th anniversary. I was inspired to do so by my Mom’s MOH, who sent a surprise gift for my parents’ 25th anniversary–a silver platter, for their silver anniversary.
Kelsey says
This is a great post! My bridesmaids were fantastic, probably the saving grace of an otherwise manic and terribly stressful day for me. (Sad but true. It’s ok, our marriage makes up for it!) The biggest thing I would say to a bridesmaid is that her job on the big day is to affirm the bride. I was sort of a basket case and maybe Bridezilla-ish, but my bridesmaids kept my spirits afloat by affirming me through it all. Of course, this isn’t necessarily the number-one rule of friendship in general, but I think it ranks high on the wedding day!
Melanie says
amazing article! I have never gotten a chance to be a bridesmaid either. Um…seriously..Auntie Leila, you are going to do one about being the Momma of the Bride/Groom, yes? Pretty please?
Aimee says
I concur! I have been a brisdesmaid 5 times and a maid of honor an additional 3 times. My top advice is to just wear the dress, and try to anticipate needs on the day of the wedding. Some of this depends on your role in the friendship or group. Half the weddings I was in were for college friends and they all recognized me as the be prepared girl, especially for sewing and whatnot. I was the one with the sewing kit, modesty tape, extra hose, bandaids, extra feminine hygiene products, etc. And an iron and ironing board (full size) in my car just in case. I am not the hair and makeup girl so I had a bottle of hair spray and some bobby pins but for other things, there was a different friend to see.
Also, you are a leader at the reception so if it’s important to the bride and groom to dance, get out on the dance floor. One of my favorite moments on my wedding day was when the dance floor was opened up following first dances, we waved our bridal party on the floor and they all came with enthusiasm and were rapidly followed by a lot of people. It was so fun!
Just remember as a bridesmaid, it’s not your day. Make it the best it can be for the bride!
Deirdre says
That’s awesome, Aimee!
I so agree about the dancing. And I’d add to beware that you don’t just end up dancing with the other bridesmaids. Sometimes the ladies just see the reception as an extension of their girls’ day/reunion/party, and they make a little circle on the dance floor to the exclusion of others. In fact, they should be mingling in order to get as many people involved as possible!
SS says
Two of my college friends and I had weddings in the same year, and there was a lot of overlap in the bridesmaids. We used the same bridesmaids’ dresses (bought on final clearance from Ann Taylor) for all three weddings to minimize expense. They were light green brocade, and worked with three very different color schemes, seasons, and venues. After the third wedding, we had amassed more than a dozen of these dresses from size 00 to 16, and the set of dresses were used for a few more weddings. Pretty good cost per wear!
Deirdre says
Power to you and your friends, SS! Dedication!
abby hummel says
There is great advice here! Another thing I would think about when deciding to accept a bridesmaid invitation is how many other bridesmaids there are. My sister’s wedding was the most fun and least stressful of my bridal/musician experience, and it was just us 2 sisters as bridesmaids. You’d think only 2 would mean we had more responsibilities, but really, we were a good team and we didn’t have to mitigate extra confusion or relationship issues. Her high school and college friends offered to help with lots and were basically “honorary bridesmaids,” but it was so enjoyable that they weren’t doing anything out of obligation. We bought dresses off the rack at Macy’s (CLEARANCE! $20 each!) and everything came together really, really well. Most of the horror stories I have heard about bridal parties become exponentially worse with extra bridesmaids or bridal party members. More people = more drama, usually.
(I’d also love to read a post about being Mother of the Bride/Groom! And I’d love to read a post about how to deal with things if your family/party is not functioning like this, too.)
Leila says
Abby, that’s a great point — brides take note! Managing a lot of personalities is sometimes not easy!
Deirdre says
So true, Abby! It’s a point about which I have strong feelings, and I bring that up in my “morning of” post — be aware of the effect of a large bridal party!
Genevieve says
I’m admittedly a little late to the party, but I had to leave a tip as well. I was a super laid-back bride, very DIY. I was happy to entertain anyone passing through the church basement/reception site/bridal suite the morning of the wedding – everyone thinking they had something super witty to say to me.
And ultimately Every. Single. One. asked me, “So, are you nervous?”
First of all, if she’s still nervous the day of the wedding (more than the standing up in a big fancy dress in front of everyone I know and love… that’s typical, I’d think), she shouldn’t be getting married. But after about a dozen times, that gets old. I even said, “If one more person asks me if I’m nervous, I’m going to scream.” And then my almost Mother-In-Law came in and asked.
AH!
Seriously, the best thing a bridesmaid can do is limit the amount of frivolous pre-wedding traffic to the bride, even if she’s not a bridezilla. If it’s not her mom (or MIL if they’re close), and it’s not her sister or best friend (who is probably a maid anyway), they can wait to chat with her at the reception!