So we've talked a lot about discipline here on the blog, and one thing I have not addressed is consistency.
Believe me, I am very aware that it's hard to be really consistent when you don't know what each day will bring, and besides, you never know how you are going to feel. Pregnant, nursing, hormonal — it's just not easy to remember or be able to follow up with the pre-determined punishments or even to know whether the punishment fits the crime.
Long ago, The Chief and I figured out a simple way to ensure that we always maintain consistency in our approach with our children, and I think it's really paid off. The kids are pretty much grown now, and they are really healthy and happy. Above all, they have self control and rarely step out of line.
There's no doubt that our method works, and now you are going to benefit from our vast experience.
It's simple.
Here's what you do: Every day at a pre-determined time, just line the kids up and spank them all.
If you think about it, this is the way to go!
Don't agree? Let's go over the benefits.
1. No more wondering if they are doing anything wrong. Okay, is this what's holding you back from adopting my elegant secret? Please. Obviously they will all have done minimum one thing wrong at some point during the day. Can we just think about your kids for a minute? Or if you are in denial about your little darlings, just think about yourself at their age. Right. They will have done at least one naughty thing every day — enough to deserve a spanking. So just line them up and spank them.
2. Like I said, consistency. Experts agree that it almost doesn't matter what standards parents apply, as long as the children know where they stand and can predict their behavior. So clearly, the more consistent, as I say, you are, the better. What is more consistent than doling out a beating at 8 pm on the dot.
3. Fairness: A great thing here is that you won't have to inquire about who has done what. Just spank them all.
What is the number one issue on every kid's mind?
How unfair you are.
Do you see that this just takes care of that little problem completely? Score!
4. Conservation of energy. Do you realize how much energy and sheer force of will it takes to sort out all the “he did this” and “she took that” claims that bombard you all day long? What are you, a judge? No. You are a tired out shadow of your former self. If I were you, I wouldn't even spank them all myself. Do what I did and wait for your husband to come home and handle it.
5. Managing expectations. When children know you will inquire into their every movement and action, they just come up with more movements and actions! They are naughtiness machines! This way, their incentive to keep you busy is low. They know they'll be spanked no matter what, so they probably will just leave it at one naughty thing and go about their business. It could be argued that careful sorting out of who did what actually increases naughtiness! So don't fall into that trap!
6. Spanking reduction. Yes! It's true! This method actually results in fewer punishments for most children! They will thank you because this way they only get one spank every day! Win-win!
If you are against spanking, don't get your knickers into a twist! Just make them all sit on the stairs for 30 minutes or send them to their rooms. A side benefit to this method is that it takes approximately 30 minutes to enjoy a nice cocktail before you have to put them to bed, so that works out well.
The important thing is to punish them all at once and at the same time every day!
Okay, there you have it. Simple, effective, consistent!
Happy April Fool's Day!* MWAH!
*Meaning: JOKE. It's a joke!
Ashley Anderson says
One of my coworkers claimed that he had the solution for our dissatisfaction with so many misbehaving students. He’s one of the most dedicated, passionate, and successful teachers I’ve worked with, so I took stock in what he had to say. He urged us to call an assembly once a year to draw a random kid’s name. That kid would be “finished” in front of us all and the kids wouldn’t make a peep for another year. The idea was far too appealing for a group of public school teachers, but I never once heard him say “joke! joke! It’s a joke!” 😉
Ellie says
Hardy har har har. Now I was hopeful to find the answer to all my parenting woes. Guess I should start doing some more archive reading.
Robin says
This, of course, was read aloud by me to my children. At number 1, they knew it was April Fools, so maybe they already know your voice too well! Good work, Auntie Leila!
Kelly says
This, of course, was read aloud by me to my children. At number 1, they knew it was April Fools, so maybe they already know your voice too well! Good work, Auntie Leila!
Shyla says
Best post to date 🙂 haha almost started picking out the perfect wooden spoon 😉
Anne Marie says
a slotted spoon – more speed through the air
Melissa Diskin says
Awesome. (…Although the “you are a worn out shadow of your former self” rings only too true.)
Mary says
Well done. Although I’m sure I would have thought it worth an attempt on some days.
Thanks for the laugh.
Mary says
Hahaha! Ok, it was about halfway down when I started to wonder, there MUST be a catch….
Carol Kennedy says
Love the joke! But here is a real example that isn’t a joke…When I was a “student teacher” I had a Master Teacher who was a very large man with a deep voice who taught 5th grade. When he was “training” me for recess duty he said “What this” and he glared in the general direction of a large group of boys and blew his whistle once really loud. When I asked what they were doing he said “I don’t know, but you can be the were about to or had just done something they shouldn’t. Now they’ll think twice.”
Okay…maybe it was a joke. I was just a student teacher at the time. 🙂
Carol Kennedy says
I meant that he said “Watch this” not “What this”….maybe he should trained me better in spelling.
Carol Kennedy says
boy…my comment was replete with errors. Perhaps I am in a hurry….DRAT! I am already late!
Leila says
Carol, I enjoyed this story! It reminds me of playing that road game where you choose a color of car and see how many you spot. I was playing with my stepmother on a trip and she suddenly yelled out, “3 yellows!” I demanded to know where she saw these three cars. She said, “We passed that parking lot — there must be 3 yellow cars there!”
Robin says
This reminds me of the movie “The Cowboys”. The cook mentions that boys are always up to something “nasty”. Ha! Bet he would have liked to have a whistle!
Kate says
Reminds me of the comment my husband made to our oldest daughter when she left for college: “Remember – all men are rats.”
Anne Marie says
Thanks for the smile this morning!
Shannon says
Ha ! You got me !!
Tamara says
This was so funny! Well played, Auntie Leila!
Margo, Thrift at Home says
I was about halfway through this post thinking this is logical but somehow wrong when I suddenly remembered what day it is! And my poor daughter remembered this morning, too, and asked me if I was going to do something funny and I snapped in a grouchy voice, NO. So when they get home from school, I’m going to read them your post. If I remember.
Monica says
Hahaha! But the cocktail half hour does sound nice… 😉
NY Mom says
Ha- good one! We’re friends with a family who have a son who, when he was young, was a handful. The mom dreaded Sunday mornings, because this child simply could not sit still, pestering his sisters and doing all manner of undesirable things for attention. The day he accidentally pulled an entire metal candle stand over on himself – lit candles, hot wax, glass votives – the whole mess- his dad had had enough. His solution was to provide the child with what he called a “pre-emptive spanking” before they left the house for church. Today this boy is a gentle, easy-going fellow working in law enforcement!
Leila says
NY mom — the *preemptive* spanking! Genius. Going in the file.
Ellie says
brilliant!!
Lena says
Well thought out and brilliant! I tried to convince my kids this would work, but they wouldn’t go for it! I had a good laugh and so did my friend. Thank you! Happy April Fools Day to you!
Stephanie in Germany says
I can’t stop laughing!!!!! Also the “pre-emptive” spanking before Mass!!!!!
Allie B says
I’m reading and saying to myself how brilliant you are and how if I could only read one blog it would be yours then…. ( former shadow of your self- Yes ! 30 min to have a cocktail- Yes!) wait, that cant be right…. really spank every day?….. got me!
But please continue, consistency…. how?
Charlotte says
My kids are really wishing I had read to the end before lining them up! 😉
melanie says
Dang it, I was really hoping you had found a magical discipline solution! Lol. I saw a sign once at a flea market that I wish to this day I had bought. It said, “the beatings will continue until morale improves.” I have Bern known to bellow that from my kitchen on occasion.
Anitra says
Hah!
Although I will say you’re onto something with the “fairness” issue. When EVERYONE gets punished, I never hear complaints about how unfair it is. 🙂
Christina P says
Is that a picture of a wood shed?
Betsy M says
Leila you are too funny!! I can hear my folks telling us kids to “line up for spankings” (not that we actually did then of course). I almost spit out my coffee when I read you advising that as well. Just funny.
Oh, regarding the pre-emptive spanks – my great-aunt also used to do that on Sunday’s to her little boy who was always so naughty! He is now a very upstanding citizen so it must have worked in this case as well. 🙂
Tarynkay says
My dad swears that this was his father’s method of discipline. My grandfather always said that if the boys weren’t actually committing mischief, they were planning it.
Now me, I prefer the time-out method. Like you said, 30 minutes for a nice cocktail. You can’t drink while you are spanking them all, you might spill something.
Gwenny says
I hope tomorrow you really will post the secret to consistency in discipline. I am pregnant, nursing, hormonal, or tired ALL THE TIME. How am I supposed to remember what I said and whether it’s fair and reasonable?
Tamara says
Seriously! I heard something about not making decisions when you’re hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. Well, Ive been pregnant and/or nursing since 2008, so I am always at least hungry and tired. No decisions for me!
Katherine Lauer says
This post is sounding pretty good to me right now!
Signed,
One Shadow of Her Former Self!
Amy Marie says
LOL. Nice. 😉
Kate says
This is the line that cracked me up: “Above all, they have self control and rarely step out of line.” I could just see Mama Leila making long distance calls to Rosie, Deirdre, Suki and the boys every evening to make sure they had toed the Lawler line that day. Or pouring all that dictatorial energy upon a nightly examination of poor Bridget.
Mona says
Oh, Auntie Leila! I was thinking, no, no, nooooo. She couldn’t possibly have done this. You really got me. Happy April 1st to you.
Tacy says
LOL! Good one. A very good one. You had me going for a minute!
Jill Farris says
Ha ha. Auntie Leila, you’re better than Google on April Fools Day! And (after beginning my day getting soaked from the kitchen sink sprayer taped down by the 8 year old), it was fun to end the day with a parenting April Fool’s joke.
Wish I lived closer and knew you well enough to switch your sugar and salt!
Jill
Julie says
I was all excited when I saw this post thinking that now I finally get to learn the magic, one-size-fits-all approach to discipline. But I knew something was up as soon as I started reading the part about lining them up and spanking them all. Ha, ha, very funny. Now you owe us a real post on discipline, you know, for playing that mean trick 🙂
Mrs. B. says
This reminded me of a story I read somewhere about Mark Twain. One day his mother just happened to give him a good spanking, apparently out of nowhere, since he complained to her that he hadn’t done anything wrong. To which she replied that then the spanking was for something else he MUST have done that she wasn’t aware of!
Cate R. says
Auntie Leila, you are fortunate that your children are old enough that you can talk about spanking on a public blog without fearing Child Protective Services banging on your door! I know this is a joke, but still. Those of us with tiny kidlets are sometimes fearful even to joke. But it’s good we have you!