At a certain point when I was planning my wedding, it hit me: the wedding magazines are not talking to me.
As I fleshed out this thought, I realized that there were two visions competing for my wedding day. And, dear bride, these two visions are competing for yours as well.
On the one hand, we have the Industry Vision. This way of thinking about and approaching the wedding day did not exist a few generations ago, because – among several other factors – the Wedding Industry didn't exist at that time. It is a particular burden for our generation and the people who accompany us on our journey to the aisle.
The Industry Vision sees your wedding day as the one day that everything has to be perfect and novel – or you will not be happy. It dictates that your wedding day has to be exceptional; exceptionally fun or exceptionally elegant or exceptionally clever and crafty or exceptionally expensive or exceptionally creative or, preferably, all of the above.
If your gown is not a dream, if you don't get Pinterest's prescribed 100 Must-Take Photos, if your makeup isn't done professionally, you're not going to be happy.
If you don't have an amazing menu for dinner or a signature cocktail or a particularly catchy wedding hashtag for social media tagging, you're not going to be happy.
Your friends are coming from all over and they've already attended a few other weddings recently, so yours had better deliver. Your party had better be entertaining, full of nostalgia-inducing moments, and topped off with exceptionally awesome favors for your guests.
This is your one-and-only Big Day, meaning you'd better be happy or else.
And yet that very vision itself compromises your chances of feeling happy! The pressure… it tends to be a buzz-kill.
Where does this pressure come from? Consider the different habits of many of today's marrying couples compared to those from previous generations. A normal couple today does not, by their courtship and their choices, anticipate a wedding day as a day of coming-together. In many cases, a wedding day comes after a home has already been set up and a daily routine established between the man and the woman. In many cases, the wedding does not even represent a significant break in the rhythm of life – let alone a complete shift in way of life – as the couple may work Monday-Friday, get married over the weekend, and return to work the next Monday without any appreciable outward or inward changes.
The question of beginning a family is presumed to be a matter entirely separate from the wedding event.
The Industry steps in to help the couple battle threatening ennui. But ennui is exchanged for frantic stress. Boutiques, Wedding Expos, Planners conspire to build excitement into the scenario, all with an accompanying price tag. “You need a bigger diamond.” “You need a better dress (plus diet).” “Add the videographer and photo booth on to the professional photographer, and we'll work on finding some more bells and whistles.”
The built-in reasons for this day to be a Big Day are forgotten and so they are replaced by big purchases and big decisions and big stress and Bridezillas.
Or, if the couple has an instinct to resist this particular trend, the day just changes into something else: a college buddies' reunion, perhaps; or an occasion for the couple to take some friends on a the destination vacation they've always wanted.
But then, after they've thrown their big party, they return to their regular life and are at risk of thinking that their vows weren't such a big deal after all and wondering why they spent all that money at that arbitrary juncture.
He has a point. Not that I want to detract from Mary's gorgeous wedding styling – and if you actually know this episode, you'll know that they do get it right in some ways.
A key moment of realization for me was when I read the following advice in a bridal magazine:
“Abstain for two weeks before your wedding day so that you have something to look forward to on the big night.”
Well, that is a far cry from the romance that I, along with countless other girls and young women, had always associated with a wedding! This kind of directive acknowledges and confirms that the current way of doing things certainly takes a lot of the fun and – ahem – excitement away from what wedding inherently is.
On the other hand, we have the Covenant Vision.
The Covenant Vision sees your wedding day as the beginning of a new life and a new family, which is momentous and deserving of celebration. Like your grandparents or great-grandparents, you are excited about the wedding itself (the “getting wed” part); about the marriage itself. Your wedding day is the day that you will begin your life with your beloved… your wedding night already has plenty of excitement and anticipation built in, party or no party. At that time, you will begin the fearful task of establishing a completely new union, the potential of which has eternal ramifications.
You will finally be together all the time with the person you've been longing to be with, the person you love, who complements you and supports you. You will have new challenges to face and discoveries to make as you learn how to live together and adapt to each other. A new mission will unfold for you and you will open yourself and surrender yourself to the possibility of co-creating and bringing forth new life. You'll be building something.
Your desire for this life together provides ample momentum to keep you looking forward to your wedding day with joy.
In light of the importance and joy of this event, you want others to witness for you, to recognize what it is that you're undertaking, and celebrate it with you.
So we have the traditional wedding feast, customized to your particular tastes and circumstances and enhanced by whatever unique features you and your community contribute. If your loved ones grasp this vision as well, they will be happy whether or not your celebration is particularly innovative or entertaining. They will rejoice with you and for you. Putting together a day like this can be fun.
I had my issues and stresses as a bride. But overall, I enjoyed wedding planning. Photo credit: Ashley Landgraf
Now, there is no guarantee that your wedding planning will be stress-free, trouble-free, or expense-free (which is to say, free). A wedding is a big event, usually in several senses, and every big event brings with it some amount of stress and trouble. And a certain amount of expense is appropriate for the celebration of such a great event, so this is not to be taken as a reprimand against spending. But, with the proper perspective, you will be able to keep stress in check, and at least you'll be spending your energy on important things rather than irrelevant details.
This is my encouragement for you brides out there:
If you are planning a wedding, just remember that the world has a very different vision from your vision for your marriage and therefore for your wedding day itself. The world sends you one message, but, in your heart of hearts, you have a different idea — even if you occasionally trip into the rat race (I know I did!).
The secret: acknowledge these two visions, embrace the Covenant Vision for yourself, and then shake off all the pressures of the other.
Simply put: If you know what your marriage is all about, you are not the intended audience for the standard wedding magazine. (So feel free to throw your copy across the room.) It's too much to grapple with the excitement inherent to the Covenant Vision and take on all the stressors of the Industry Vision!
How many times have I heard a harried bride, when asked how her wedding planning is going, sigh and say, “I'm done with all this – I just want to be married.” Hold on to your vision. When friends or family members or wedding vendors try to push you in another direction, just recall that you're different and remember what you're embarking upon and look forward to that.
Don't let yourself be guided by the Industry Vision, which is, in fact, myopic in the extreme.
Generations of my friend Laura's family married in the same church. Photo credit: David Stephen Kalonick
If you're not satisfied with how you've been envisioning things up to this point, take courage. You can start fresh at any time. Depending on your situation, it may be a few little changes. Or it may be a big, life-changing decision: living together before marriage is the biggest, immediate obstacle that you would have to overcome with a radical change; next, some honest discussions with your fiance about what it will mean to become one flesh and open to life as a married couple.
Any change that you can make now, while you plan for your wedding, to prepare yourself for what marriage really is, will make you happier in the long run and more joyful as a bride. And I think that you will find that, the more prepared you are for a covenant, the more your loved ones will rejoice on your wedding day — because they will instinctively know that you are doing something great and good, whether or not your day is perfect by Industry standards.
Some things may be beyond your control (e.g., who your family is, what your budget is, your health or your schedule), but this at least you can enjoy: your marriage will be life-changing, it will be beautiful and powerful, and it starts on your wedding day.
And that wraps up {pretty, happy, real weddings}! Don't forget to tune in this Saturday for an awesome {p,h,r wedding} promotion!
Thank you for reading!
Previously in this series:
Timeline of the Indispensable Bridesmaid
Google Docs Bride: the Virtual Guest List
The Wholesome, Good-Times Reception
How to get the Wedding Reception you Really Want
Barbara says
When my son became engaged my future daughter-in-law (now my daughter-in-law) talked to me several times about her frustrations with her friends (not great friends) who didn’t understand why they weren’t sleeping together, much less living together. And we talked about how sad that for so many brides, the wedding is the end of the “love story” rather than the beginning. The couple has done all the “married things” including setting up house, hence the need to have the enormously-over-the-top wedding. But what a letdown to go back to the apartment or house that they’ve been living in and go back to life. How much more exciting to open wedding gifts and move them into their new home together and start fresh.
Diana says
I loved this so much! Thank you!! 🙂
TeresB says
Spot on!!!
Tia says
Lovely thought. Though my husband and I did not cohabit or etc,. prior to marriage, I was definitely one of those people who thought of our marriage as a “piece of paper” (and access to sweet, sweet health insurance). It is only now, several miscarriages and two babies later, that I realize the full beauty and significance of the union, that we were forging a family that day.
But at the time all I thought was: we love each other, I’m going to be moving around a lot in the next few years, and it sure would be nice to be legally bound to make all those transitions easier. Wish I had grasped the day’s spiritual significance more, instead of staying up all night tending to last minute aesthetic details. I was so frazzled, and my memory of the days is like a movie scene where a bunch of faces pop in and out of your vision with garbled voices in the background. I was so exhausted and overwhelmed that I only really remember it via the pictures from after. It was like an out of body experience.
Mrs. B. says
Tia, I’m not sure there are many couples who “realize the full beauty and significance of the union”, as you beautifully said, right on Day 1 – even the most spiritually serious couples. After all, you need to give that special grace you receive with the sacrament some time to work 😉
Kristi says
Yes! My husband and I were older-than-the-norm when we got married, which I think made it easier for us to focus on what mattered — our marriage, not the party. (Also, we arranged it quickly, and long-distance.) The dress, reception, flowers, invitations were very simple (e.g. I went to Whole Foods a couple of days before the wedding to order some flowers for the reception tables. They were beautiful.) We didn’t have a big crowd. But our wedding was beautiful, and I think God was glorified.
Mrs. B. says
My wedding looked a lot like that, too. It was a beautiful day, but very awkward as well, as the long-distance relationship meant that our families were strangers and we had no common friends… I wish I could have had something like Deirdre talks about in this series (I never reflected before on the community aspect of a wedding), with families and friends involved in a warm celebration, but our situation made it simply impossible.
Emily says
I appreciated your description of the Covenant Vision as opposed to the Industry Vision. I have been to those Pinterest-perfect weddings, and it does seem like the spiritual importance sometimes gets lost in the color coordination and perfect photo ops. However, I’ve also been part of weddings where the couple getting married reacts against that by not caring about the details. It’s just a ceremony, they say, and self righteously pat themselves on the back for not being materialistic about it all. However, those have been by far the most stressful for those of us who end up having to make decisions on the spot because the bride didn’t really do what you suggested back in your reception post and do some thoughtful planning. I appreciate you pointing out that a wedding IS a big event that will entail a certain amount of trouble, stress, and expense like any event or party. The formation of a new family is something worth celebrating! But we need to keep the main point of it all as our central focus. I’ve loved this series and will be recommending it to brides-to-be!
Mrs. B. says
Thank you for this series, Deirdre, I have learned a lot – you obviously have a passion for the subject, and are full of beautiful, wise thoughts about it.
Tacy says
This is so good! Covenant Vision- yep yep yep. 😉
Jamie says
This was a very nice article. I liked the way you broke it down. It reminded me somewhat of Rosie’s Elf on the Shelf rant. The reason for the season/event creates PLENTY of joy and anticipation. You don’t need to pile a bunch of novelties on top of it. But if you lose the reason- there is that searching for meaning in all sorts of kre8tiv places. I went to a wedding two years ago- a couple in their early 20s. Definitely virgins. They had a lovely ceremony. The reception was just cake and coffee, lemonade, water, and there were some goldfish crackers and pretzels to snack on. There was no DJ. It was very much like an after-church fellowship gathering. Probably the least “done up” wedding I’ve been to. But my husband and I had a great time and it was very heartfelt. We were very happy for this couple. Nothing about the wedding felt lacking to us.
Sara says
This is so lovely and reminds me of this article that I clung to when I was wedding planning ten years ago and which y’all might enjoy (although be forewarned that Caitlin Flanagan is a bit more…frank about the matters you treat so delicately here, Deirdre).
Deirdre says
Wow, what an excellent piece! Thank you, Sara! Very interesting.
Nicole says
Great points, Deirdre. It’s particularly difficult, planning a wedding near a big city/metropolis/very wealthy and expensive area, not to get sucked in. I’m so glad that we a) had less than six months to plan the wedding b) are both choleric decision makers and almost always opted for pragmatism rather than showy/expensive/ornate and c) were well aware of the spiritual impact of the wedding itself. Though there certainly was stress, mostly in the final week, overall I would say I can look back with mostly positive feelings (as well as the relief that we won’t ever have to do THAT again! 🙂 ).
Deirdre says
Well, you didn’t seem stressed to me! 🙂
Thanks for reading.
Becky says
I’m not sure if this is in keeping with your vision or not. (I was one of the brides who got to a point where she very much wished she had just eloped. Frankly, I still rather wish that- my wedding day isn’t something I look back at wistfully… Although, I adore being married and did and do see the actual marriage as “the prize” if I could just march through the family obligation part.) But, something I have advised my friends on (I was the first in my set married) was that the wedding is as much for your family as it is for you. Pick 3 things that are vital to you feeling as if you are truly married and then let the rest go. I know my only big thing was that I wanted a blusher and I wanted Allen to be the one to flip it over.
Also, a bit of advice that only sort of fits with this discussion but perhaps it will be helpful. I’ve always been very pleased that I never had my engagement and wedding rings bonded. I have a band, an engagement ring, and a second band. The top and bottom bands are twisted gold that look sort of like a rope and match my husband’s. We wanted wedding rings that looked like they really went together rather than the trend of the time of the woman’s ring being all manner of bling and then the man’s just being a plain, flat ring that could theoretically go with anyone’s of the same metal type. When I am in the thick of diapers and what not, I can easily just wear my wedding band and I can add the engagement ring for special or fancy occasions.
When I had my engagement ring set, I also specified that I wanted the diamond as low as possible so I didn’t have to worry as much about it around soft little baby cheeks. I also specified that I wanted a diamond smaller than a certain carat amount both as a matter of taste and of practicality- otherwise the jeweler will try his hardest to get your your man to go for bigger, bigger, bigger.
Teri Pittman says
For my first marriage, I made a skirt and blouse to wear. We found a small Episcoplian church we liked. My mom got together some things for a reception afterwards. We had a very small wedding, but it worked. We were married for 37 years.
I just got married again in June. It was my husband’s third wedding, my second. I made a skirt and blouse to wear. (I learned on the first one to never volunteer to make the husband to be’s clothes!) We had a friend with a minister’s license marry us at our place on the river, with our boating friends in attendance. One friend made wood fired pizzas for the reception. I had picked up some serving bowls at the Dollar Store and made a nice wine punch to go with it. Pictures can be seen on my website.
I know that for young women, there is a strong desire to make it the perfect day. But it’s not about the day or even the ceremony. The marriage is the important thing. You do the ceremony to give your friends and family a chance to celebrate your new life. It’s not worth stressing out about or spending yourself into debt over. Some of the most lavish weddings celebrate marriages that end in divorce in less than a year. Some of the longest marriages were celebrated with the briefest of ceremony. Focus on the life together.
polly says
Such great advice. I got married 16 years ago this October (what!!) and the ‘wedding industry’ was just starting to churn and sputter in a big way (Martha Stewart Weddings was in its nascent stages) and there was, mercifully, no Pinterest, Instagram, or Facebook. I’m so glad! I think it removed a lot of the stress of expectations.
And it was a beautiful ceremony and a terrifically fun reception, so there you go!
These wedding posts are invaluable. I plan to print them and save them for my daughter (s? one day?)…..
Jamie says
I agree with you Polly. I too got married pre-internet craze. My wedding photos were captured on film not digital. And that was only 13 years ago. I am so glad I had a traditional wedding. But no I didn’t get sucked in to too much angst about it because I do think I was sheltered from that. There was no thought in my head about making my wedding a “novel experience” for anyone. It was just a wedding, like a kids birthday party can be just a kids birthday party. There was the wedding, a nice reception, nice meal, dancing, flower tossing, cake eating etc etc… Lo and behold we are STILL MARRIED! Imagine that!? lol
Laura says
Deirdre, thank you for incorporating my family into this beautiful series!
It meant so much to me to walk down the aisle that day, knowing my grandmother, aunts, cousins, and mother had walked down it before me. Even though a large contingency of my husband’s family couldn’t be present, it meant the world to me that we had this acknowledgment of my family’s tradition.
My uncle (a Franciscan) presided, and two of my cousins (both priests) con-celebrated; I cannot give proper credit to the blessings that were heaped upon my husband and I, but our families and the few close friends who were invited made the wedding, though large, so intimate. We are surrounded by such people at our baptisms-isn’t it only right that we be surrounded by the same love when we begin our new lives?
Thank you for your wonderful, inspired thoughts.
Laura says
Ah, and great-grandmother, though we have no photograph. One of the framed pictures on the table (not included in the picture above) was her wedding invitation, though!
Deirdre says
Thanks for sharing it, Laura! 🙂
Virginia says
What an insightful piece! I’m loving this series. As my Dad said when my sister-in-law was getting a little over-the-top with wedding planning, “Isn’t ‘wedding’ enough of a theme?”
Deirdre says
Haha we joke about the same thing all the time!
Ashley says
Deirdre, I agree in theory with a lot of what you’ve written here. However, in practice, I’m a cohabitating, non-abstaining, secularly married person. I didn’t begin to gravitate toward a spiritual perspective on marriage until after my own wedding, and my husband is still a staunch secularist. So I’d like to say, in case there are others like me out there, that marriage does still make a difference. Our relationship is so much deeper, more meaningful, more significant after our wedding, though we had indeed already established the rhythms of laundry and dishes that are the traditional domain of the newlywed couple. Those things can certainly enhance the spiritual landmark of marriage, but marriage itself carries its own weight. I don’t advocate one premarital choice over the other (how could I, without the ultimate hypocrisy?), and absolutely acknowledge your excellent arguments, but want to assure other premarital cohabitants that all is not lost. Marriage itself carries grace, regardless of your religious or securlar orientation, and undertaken with the proper gravity (and, yes, rejection of the Wedding Industrial Complex), is a powerful force for good.
PS – Bless you, Dierdre, for this series. I wish it had been around when I was a bride! And bless Auntie Leila and your whole family, without whom I might never have found the Catholic faith and my hopefully eventual place within it. You all are a lifeline.
Deirdre says
Hi Ashley,
Thanks for responding with this. I was wondering if anyone reading would bring this up – I imagine others have had similar thoughts!
I agree with you that marriage will make a difference, even if the couple has been living together. I say that because I believe that a vow is a vow, and a witnessed vow, in particular, is a very powerful thing. It’s different to live with someone because you like each other or are in love or just for convenience… and to live with someone because you’ve vowed to be together and be faithful til death do you part.
I actually don’t look at this as a “spiritual” “not-spiritual” divide, although spirituality is certainly part of a serious wedding. But there’s also just a *moral* aspect (related to the spiritual, but easily confused with that language, I think); even people who don’t consider themselves “spiritual” or who don’t, say, have a deep prayer life can enter into a covenant that is morally binding.
That being said – and just so I’m clear about my stance and the LMLD stance – I do absolutely advocate for the choice of chastity and waiting until marriage – and for more reasons than simply to better enjoy the wedding day. I don’t know all your thoughts on the matter, but I think it’s very possible that you could advocate for that as well without being hypocritical. It’s only hypocritical to preach against something that you are currently doing and don’t intend to stop; it’s a different matter to recommend for/against something that you’ve done in your past.
I’m glad you have enjoyed the series. Thanks for your kind comment! 🙂
Maggie says
Deep insights and beautiful writing, Deirdre. I also loved the Caitlin Flanagan piece to which Sara linked in the comments. Now I’m wondering whether we yet have a vision of a covenant wedding between a man a woman who are, let’s say, a little older, more worldly…less virginal? Call them the Prodigal Bride and Groom. Maybe “The Sound of Music” is a good place to begin (“Perhaps I had a miserable youth…”)
Asking for a friend. 😉
Anne-Marie says
It seems to me that the covenant vision doesn’t necessarily require that the couple be inexperienced. What’s significant is that their wedding should mark the beginning of their joint life, their joint project of building a household and (God willing) a family, their joint participation in the building up of the Body of Christ. By their vows they undertake this task; the vows do not merely express an ongoing state of affairs, but create a new one.
Gersende says
Such good advice. I wish my son had met someone like you.