If you look at the little printable I made for you last week, you will see a line that might cause perplexity if you are not an old-timey Catholic.
In “My Lenten Rule” you will find this:
I will offer up ______________ for _______________.
And… what does that mean?
Ah, the answer is the key to unlocking the mystery of teaching self-control to our children. And, not coincidentally, mastering ourselves — not by sheer will power, but by love.
You see, it has to do with that crucifix there, and the problem of suffering and pain in everyone's life, including the lives of children. Children really do suffer, you know.
Even the child for whom you've provided everything finds ordinary setbacks so frustrating. And then there are falls and cuts and scary trips to the doctor.
If we look at all this from our merely human perspective, we don't get very far.
Partly we would like to protect them from suffering — but that's not possible, and we know it's not desirable.
Partly we wish they would just stop (so much of it seems so irrational, but then, we aren't two, are we). Also not productive, because they are not stopping anytime soon.
Without realizing it, we fall into just “managing” everyone's reactions in that tense way, rather than giving them what they need to gain control over themselves from within.
Our Lenten journey will teach us what to do.
You see, the conversation begins so naturally. “Mommy, why is Jesus on a cross?” And we start gently explaining how it happened. Another day, we pray (and maybe do some work on) the Stations. Little by little, the realization dawns that Jesus was suffering there, and suffering for our sakes. “He did it for us, so we would love him and want to be with him forever.”
The question that so often arises (and not just from children): “Where is God? Does God know that I suffer?”:
The answer: He is there, on the cross. He knows you suffer because he suffered. For you.
Now, when something happens that hurts, or doesn't go our way, or causes distress, we can make that connection.
“You know, you can suffer for Jesus too.” This is something we can say to a very young child indeed.
Do you wonder about the correctness of this?
Did you read this?
… [I] who now rejoice in my sufferings for you, and fill up those things that are wanting of the sufferings of Christ, in my flesh, for his body, which is the church. (Col 1: 24)
Things that are wanting in the sufferings of Christ…
… for his body…
… which is the Church.
As a child learns that this fever or broken toy or vexing little brother's interference or shot can be offered to Christ, he comes to a very important realization hidden from many adults, which is that suffering is part of life; it can be useless, actually causing a real deformation of character by our response, or it can be the most valuable thing we have.
{By deformation of character I mean that really deadening tendency to see bad things happening as a sign that God doesn't love us and to react accordingly. For instance, if the car breaks down, the cat throws up, and you realize you don't have what you need for dinner — is this “bad day” a sign that you deserve a breakdown “if one more thing happens”? Or that God has abandoned you? On the contrary — it's all an opportunity to offer him more. Offer it up for his sake. With cheerfulness, even! I know, tall order.}
Wait, isn't the most valuable thing we have love, you ask?
Well, yes. But the way you show someone you love them is by suffering for them.
That doesn't sound quite right, you might say.
And I would agree… except it's what God did… for us.
So back to that child of yours. Little by little you help him learn to do this. “Oh, I know, your finger hurts you. Let's put a bandaid on it, let me kiss it, and remember — offer the pain to Jesus. It won't hurt for too long. Offer it up.”
Another time: “They left you behind, didn't they. That hurts. We'll talk to them when they get back. But you know, offer up how you feel to Jesus.”
And what about your child saying this to you? “Mommy, does your head hurt?”
“Yes, it really does. I'm trying to offer it up.”
And then the next part about for his body, which is the church, which is others — “Can you offer that up for Dad so he can be happy at work?” “Let's offer this time in the car when we're a bit hungry for children who don't have enough to eat.” “Oh, your baby sister is sick. Let's offer up cleaning the room for her.”
Therefore I endure all things for the sake of the elect, that they also may obtain the salvation, which is in Christ Jesus, with heavenly glory. (2 Tim 2: 10)
As you do this, you feel that little prick that tells you that in order to teach this to your children, why, you must make it a habit of your very own. You start to notice that it's easier to handle the annoying and even terrible things that happen if you can make use of them in God's kingdom.
Let me ask you: If you knew that your loneliness or car woes or bout of flu or miscarriage could rain down grace on someone who is suffering without any consolation right now — would you not accept it with something approaching a right good will? Or at least a better will than when you just think, “Poor me,” or “Ugh, this again!”
Our children see us struggling. They notice that we don't whine about bad things. Sure, you swear when you drop something on your foot (or you at least yell indistinct sounds that might be swearing if you weren't a lady). Of course you cry when you hear bad news. Naturally, it isn't always easy to handle setbacks. But don't think they aren't aware of you giving the crucifix a glance — of you, trying to offer to Jesus that which is lacking in his cross.
You might not see results right away, but I speak from long experience when I tell you that life is a joy with children who are trying to offer things up (and it's a lot nicer for them to live with parents who are offering up as well!). You can see them trying to be brave, trying not to complain. It's not that they are angels, but they do get it and they do try.
Children find just as much motivation in offering suffering up to Jesus as we do. They willingly shoulder the responsibility to care for others in this way — they are glad for it.
Since we know this:
See that you despise not one of these little ones: for I say to you, that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father who is in heaven. (Matt 18: 10)
… we know that the prayers of children form a unique pattern in the mosaic of the Communion of Saints. Really, it falls to us to assist in bringing this out.
So you can write in your own Lenten Rule, and help them write,
I will offer up
no snacking (or no TV shows, or my chronic illness, or my morning sickness, or my little sister breaking my Lego creations, or no ice cream!)
for
a job for Dad (or a new house, or the most lonely person, or a cure for nephew).
If you want to read a really old-timey explanation of pain and suffering in the Christian's life, go to this account from Mary Reed Newland's book, The Saints and Our Children. If it strikes you as extreme, just remember that sometimes our children suffer as the prince in the story does — or even more. It's good for them to have a story to fire their imagination.
You will be surprised at what they will do with this knowledge of “offering it up.”
briana says
I SO NEED THIS. AS a revert, this is the *hardest* habit for me to grow. Bt I have to, because my children need it.
Thank you.
Angela says
I am a convert of only 4 years, trying to teach my children well. They are only 5 and 7, but I wasn’t formed in these things, so I am piecing it all together. Thank you so much for this wonderful plan!
mamabearjd says
Our new baby is just 2 weeks old – he came early, and the last thing on my to-do list was “Lent prep.” I started gathering but didn’t finish. Your posts are saving the day! It is hard to be penitential while rejoicing in a new sibling – the fifth child – but we have regrouped and started on our Lenten rule today.
You bless us with your experience and advice!
corina says
Auntie Leila, at about what age can we start to have this conversation with the children? Or it doesn’t really matter?
Leila says
Corina, I think that as soon as a toddler starts noticing Jesus on the cross, we can start the process of leading him to this knowledge.
A 3 year old falls and scrapes his knee, and we can direct his thinking to Jesus’ suffering. Just little by little…
Caitlin says
Thank you for writing this for me… ahem… my kids.
Dixie says
I’ve always had trouble understanding exactly how one offers it up and what it means, but my husband has given me good advice about it: when you just can’t seem to muster the strength to offer it up, you can always pray, “Jesus, I WANT to offer this to you! Please help me!” or when it’s really bad, even, “Jesus, I want to want to offer this to you!” I find this really helps.
Emily says
I have tried this with my almost 5 year old and my 3 year old, and they both throw up their defenses when I suggest it (I do it gently, promise!) and start whining or, worse still, shouting back that they “don’t want to!” What can I do help them? I fear I am going to drive them to push away the faith as they grow up if I come on too strong. The same is true of our family prayer time: whining and bad behavior–which doesn’t go without consequences–but I fear that being strong in the face of their refusal or bad behavior will make them associate the negative consequences with the faith, and they will reject it. Sorry to get off topic a bit, but any advice is welcome…and I have preordered your book and look forward to the insights therein! I sooooo want to be able to gently and lovingly present all these things to the, but it doesn’t seem to come naturally to me.
Liz says
I have these same concerns, especially when it comes to our efforts to enforce decent behavior in church. We spent most of Sunday wrestling our three year old, and taking him to the narthex for timeouts (not playtime). He knows what is expected and we do not bend, but the whole experience is so negative. Our parents and we do not remember such struggles when we were kids, and I didn’t see them in my relatives’ kids. How “mean” should we be to enforce expectations while nurturing and retaining a love of the faith? Other behavior issues don’t present the same issue, because I’m not worried about creating and maintaining love in the context of other behavior issues; I don’t mind being mean about most things, but I would hate them to grow up hating church and home devotions because do our insistence on decent behavior (as I have seen others do as they grow up from a devout home).
Leila says
Liz, a three year old can be the worst possible naughty church-goer, especially if he’s one of the older kids. In a few more kids, you won’t have too much trouble.
Simply look at this as a time you need to get through without disrupting other people’s experience as much as possible. Otherwise it turns into a power struggle with him knowing that he is in control of how you experience that time in church.
Rather, matter-of-factly take him out (preferably Dad should take him out). Have low expectations. Reward him for squeaking through.
He won’t hate church or devotions if you don’t make him the center of your own experience. Just treat it all in as detached a way as possible and you will find that it will be good — even to the extent of sometimes taking turns going and just having him skip.
Past generations didn’t really have this issue because a) there were more kids b) they didn’t put their kids at the center of attention and c) they put consideration for others higher than we do, and consequently accepted that misbehaving children didn’t always need to be there. Which goes back to a)!
Also there is a sort of glossing over of memory when it comes to how hard it is to have little kids!
Sit tight, meditate on what I’m trying to say, and wait — things will get better, I promise.
Leila says
Emily, expecting results in really important things like offering it up depends on how you relate to your children when it comes to a million little “unimportant’ moments.
Start to develop the habit in them of being attentive to you in little things.
When you explain something, demand courtesy from them and attentiveness. Show them and tell them how to respond to you.
If you say, “Set the forks on this side and the knives on this side” and they start whining and telling you they don’t want to listen to you, stop them cold. Tell them that it’s disrespectful not to accept your instruction with cheerfulness.
When they have the habit of saying, “Yes, Mommy” and “thank you, Mommy” then you will find that you can tell them anything.
It’s about getting them to be receptive (not about getting them to INTERNALIZE what you are saying, or even about results). And that is just a habit.
They are in the habit of resisting you because you perhaps aren’t completely convinced of your natural authority, but are looking for affirmation from them.
Instead, just require at least silence, but better, a cheerful response — in little, seemingly unimportant things.
Jenny says
“It’s about getting them to be receptive (not about getting them to INTERNALIZE what you are saying, or even about results). And that is just a habit.”
This is such a key to getting the attention of children, but so hard to put into practice. The easiest and natural response is to start whining back when your children start to whine at you. Of course, we don’t view it as whining to them. We are “disciplining” them and “explaining” why they need to follow our directions. Words. Words Words. Which sound a whole lot like whining. A reaction to their bait.
To maintain an even keel while requiring them to repeat their responses takes pre-planning while they learn the habit or break their old, bad one. Don’t let your emotions get the best of you!
Emily says
“They are in the habit of resisting you because you perhaps aren’t completely convinced of your natural authority, but are looking for affirmation from them.”
You have me pegged! This is such an astute observation–you have gone straight to the heart of things. Thank you for this solid advice that they be respectful in a million ‘unimportant things’. I will work on this, and can already foresee the difference it will make! God bless you, Auntie!
Whitney says
I am confused. Offering up something for something… that sounds like some sort of exchange or purchase. If I suffer this way, I should get this in return.
Can someone help me understand this better?
Nancy says
Whitney, Living life as a Catholic Christian means that we embrace suffering. Nobody in this life escapes some kind of suffering ….could be the death of a parent as a child, a physical illness or losing a pet and all the sadness a child would feel. By teaching our children to unite sufferings in life with the suffering of Jesus, growth in understanding occurs and gives them the context in how to approach suffering within Christian life.If there is an exchange it would be growth in understanding in what it means to sacrifice through suffering.
I can still remember Sister Alice telling a certain COMPLAINING Eighth Grader 44 years ago (me) to offer it up!
Hope this helps…Nancy
Dixie says
Oh, no, not an exchange or purchase. Catholics believe as all Christians do that there is no way that we could ever deserve the gifts Christ gives us, which are all freely given out of His love.
The idea with offering it up is more to accept *necessary* suffering with gratitude. To “offer it up” is both a way of helping us order ourselves rightly towards God when we suffer (“all things work together for good to those who love God”) and as an act of love for Him. It is trying to join in on his suffering on the Cross, to experience suffering patiently and in love.
We also believe that doing this sort of thing is a prayer, which God can use for the good of another or for a particular intention. That’s why we offer something up FOR something. It’s not a “tit for tat” exchange, but part of the ancient practice of penance that unites us with other Christian and with God and the souls in heaven. It is asking God to make something good come of our suffering, as we are sure that He will, and to emulate the love He showed us on the Cross by giving up himself for us. It is entrusting our pain to God and in doing so praying that our love will help another. In this way, we ask God to accept our sacrifices for the good of our brothers and sisters in union with His love.
Hope that helps!
Dixie says
(You can also chose to suffer when it is not necessary — everything from giving up ice cream to going without food to feed a hungry child — and offer it up in the same way. But we are still called to try to cure ills and evils in this world, too, i.e. this whole idea doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to alleviate the suffering of our fellow man or ourselves 🙂 ).
Caitlin says
Whitney- it’s not so much of an exchange per say, because you are offering up your suffering for someone else, not yourself. So you’re not saying, “God I’m suffering so I can get xyz.” It’s like you’re taking just praying for someone to the next step. Then for example, if you’re offering up your morning sickness for a friend going through chemo, whenever you feel that sickness instead of focusing on it or complaining about it, you use that time to pray for your friend. So the offering up is other-focused, not self-focused. But it’s not meant to be some kind of bargaining tool “change God’s mind” either. It’s all about the intention if that makes sense.
Michele says
This is fantastic, Auntie Leila! Thanks for describing this practice so beautifully.
Lisa G. says
Yes – it was beautifully explained, Leila.
Patty says
So, it’s making my suffering into a physical prayer for someone/something else? That makes more sense than the exchange idea I was imagining. Thanks for the further explanations!
Jennifer G Miller says
Love this explanation. I agree, it is so key. Making sense out of suffering helps for a child. There are some things they will have to suffer — pain from a doctor’s visit, thirst, hunger. I talk to my boys about how they can have sour faces and whine and be unhappy or use this as a gift…and just like you describe, remembering what Jesus endured for us. It doesn’t take the pain away, but the happiness from helping others and loving God helps bearing the crosses.
Terri says
I remember my mom always telling me to “offer it up”! I have been talking to my kids who are 7 about how they can handle a little suffering (kneeling in church, etc) if Jesus suffered so much for us. I haven’t used the words “offer it up” because I wasn’t sure how to explain it to them. But this helps a lot! Thank you!
Susan says
“or you at least yell indistinct sounds that might be swearing if you weren’t a lady” Ha! Yeah. I totally do this. I just realized that I do this instead of swearing. Which, I guess, is good. That I’m not swearing, I mean.
Donna L. says
When I first converted to Catholicism, shortly before my Husband and I were married, he would say to me, “offer it up” when something was a challenge–but it wasn’t done with any love, understanding, warmth nor kindness!
Sadly, I have taken offense and bristled at that phrase all of these years. I would NEVER say that to my children because it seemed to me, that it was almost a punishment to hear those words in the light of some pain, or heartache.
I will strive to embrace the way you have explained it, Auntie Leila–and thank you for the knowledge and baby steps to do it!
Leila says
Oh, Donna — you don’t have to use the particular words “offer it up”! Say it any way you want to. The point is to unite our sufferings with Christ’s on the cross, for the intentions of his heart. Teaching this to our children will help them so.
I hope you read the little story I linked to about St. Patrick. It’s so edifying that he was horrified that he had hurt Aengus.
Christ’s heart is human and divine. He weeps with his friends, you know? This is how we have to be — not coldly telling each other to offer it up, but helping them to do it while feeling loved and sympathized with.
Donna L. says
Thank you and YES! The warmth and compassion is what was missing….but I’m working on him~
I audibly gasped when I read the St. Patrick story—-and my eldest heard the expression of concern and wanted to know what I was reading so I let her read it, too—she gasped at the same place!
I *do* believe that uniting our suffering can help clear out Purgatory–and the souls there can better use the prayers!
Marion says
Donna, I loved your question, and Leila, your reply. I’ve always had the same difficulty with the phrase, which is why I don’t teach it to my children, but do go after the idea behind it.
As a convert, I still wince when I hear Catholics saying “offer it up” flippantly, in the exact same voice as I would say “suck it up.” It should never be used–or thought of–that way, but in practice, the phrase seems to get misused. When I had a miscarriage, someone used it on me, and I just about hit them (even though yes, I did offer it up.)
Leila says
Well, Marion, I guess there are some people who can suck the life out of anything. Maybe this is why we always have to start again, seeing things with fresh eyes. In a way, this very phenomenon you describe — of stripping something down to its binary level and chucking out everything that makes it wonderful — is why God gives us children. When we are forced to see things through their eyes, we have to discover the beauty — for ourselves.
Virginia says
Thank you! I feel like most of the parenting advice you hear is directed towards avoiding suffering in children (which, of course, is good!) but when a child is unavoidably suffering there is a tendency to just ignore it or glorify them as a victim instead of giving them the tools to deal with it. I wonder if the loss of this internal practice in our culture has to do with everyone being really depressed? I don’t know.
Leila says
Yes, Virginia, I agree. It’s very depressing to have a world view that demands perfection in externals and refuses to acknowledge reality. Suffering is real. Either ignoring it or trying to “mind over matter” it will deform our personality!
Kimberlee says
Beautiful, Leila. Just beautiful your way with words and simple yet profound explanations. We preach Christ and Him crucified (1 Cor 1:23). I like how you show this essential reality is accessible even to a child. For love.
Natasha says
I really loved this post. Thank you!
Jeni says
This was my first time reading this post. Thank you for the lovely explanation of something I have wondered about for a while.
Michelle says
I’m not sure why this popped up in my Facebook feed outside of it being exactly what I needed to hear right now. My family and I are suffering horribly right now and it seemed that there was nothing we could do with it. It was just sitting there on us. Thank you for this and God bless you. I’ve enjoyed your blog so much over the years.