I've noticed that one (perhaps unintended on your part, dear readers) side-effect of infrequent posting on my part is an increase in emails I receive that have the theme “I'm looking through the archives and thanks, it's really helping me.” [Followed by, as the author says in Backyard Sugarin', unwarranted compliments.]
Apart from being just really sweet and affirming, these emails have been reminding me to remind you of something, something I've downplayed in my actual posts lately, just because it gets embarrassing to say every time —
If I can do it, for sure you can too!
I mean, in theory I could label every single post with that tag. In practice, it would make that category somewhat useless! Simple index management prevents me from slapping that sentence across every title.
Yet, it's true.
There is simply no way that you don't have more ability than I to make a home, with all that making a home entails. I fail every day, at that and at many other things.
{The only two reasons that I have any presentable photos which might make you think otherwise is
a) they are very close-up shots, so you don't see the rest
b) the only kid around most of the time these days is one who wonders why on earth I don't sweep the hearth after putting logs in the fire, and then does it for me.}
It wasn't always thus, as you can imagine. It was just like it is at your house if you are a little conflicted, easily distracted by books, and prone to flights of fancy regarding what your true destiny might be. Only, worse.
However, in the interest of slaying vanity disguised as false modesty, I will say that I know how to get you to tackle some stuff, apparently. What that stuff is, I try to take a guess at, and you have to take what I say in that spirit of random projection. Above all, may you come away from this space knowing that the stuff you need to deal with is your very own.
Speaking of God, a while ago I read a blog post, the author of which was embarking on the project of finding out what God's will for her is.
I'm sorry, I don't remember the name or anything else about it. I only remember that one fact, and it comes back to me every once in a while, because of her thinking that finding God's will for her was going to be a vast, immense project. I think she was allotting a year, maybe more, to get the job done.
Do you sometimes feel that way? That you have no idea what God's will for you is? That you would need to take time off and go away to focus on just that one problem in order to make head or tails of it?
What would you think if I told you that you could find out right now what His will is? That it's a “problem” of a day, not years? His will for you, specifically? (And I'm not going to trick you by saying that God's will for you turns out to be “love everyone,” or “work for world peace,” or “lock and load”!)
It's not really a secret, and it's so simple that it seems like it couldn't possibly be true. It's just this:
Trying to do all the stuff you have to do, today, with a loving heart.
Not all the stuff you could possibly do.
The stuff you have to do.
Knowing what that stuff might be is couldn't be simpler, and counts as the most lovely prayer and also remedy for the distraction of other people's priorities: In God's presence, think of your obligations; the people to whom you are obligated.
{You have obligations to God, and they are quite simple. He doesn't ask for much: Worship Him on Sundays, give thanks, ask Him, keep His commandments. Your husband — he has obligations to you too, and the best way to get him to live up to them is to live up to yours; don't fall into the trap of thinking he has to go first. Your children — it's all you, they owe you nothing until they can learn the Fourth Commandment, and even then it's a work in progress. A boss if you have one. The newsletter for the committee if you said you'd do it. A class if you're teaching one. And to yourself — take a shower, get some rest, eat a proper meal, and stop running around like a crazy person.}
You could sit down right now and make a list of your stuff. If it's just what you have to do, today, it won't take long, especially if you take into account your limitations: illness, nursing a baby, tiredness, importunate toddlers, someone unpleasant you must deal with….
I won't shy away from the word for doing your stuff:
Duty.
The thing you should be doing today…the one thing…for the ones God has given you to serve.
Duty. An elusive, if not repellent, word. I mean, we feel repelled when we haven't been doing it.
It hides itself behind strange ideas that come from no where and everywhere, thoughts like looking for God's will somewhere other than here.
But, I've noticed a paradox, perhaps embedded in the Gospel injunction that we must die to live, and that the stone that was rejected becomes the cornerstone: that when you joyfully and wholeheartedly do the things you have to do as coming directly from the hand of God, then other unforeseen other things open up, and you discover the big picture, the adventure, the outrageously perfect plan God has for you. If adventure is what you wanted. If not, you discover the marvelous rest God has for you!
In other words, you find your heart's desire, so don't be afraid!
One step at a time.
So while you are waiting for the big reveal from on high, and thinking, “If only, if only!” (the number one sentence starter for getting led astray — “If only I lived somewhere else! If only I were married to someone else! If only my children were like her children! If only I could do things easily like she does!) — and wondering what in Heaven's name God's will for you could be, and whether you should go reform the slums or climb a Peruvian mountain or rescue flood victims, and maybe those are things you should do, for all I know, it's not up to me…
…just make a little list, a short tiny teensy list of things that you should do today where you are: Get supper ready, make sure everyone has something clean to wear tomorrow, make the bed, give the baby a bath, call the doctor to make an appointment, wash the dishes.
Don't be like Mrs. Jellyby, whose eyes could see no closer than Africa! “It must be very good of Mrs Jellyby to take such pains about a scheme for the benefit of natives — and yet — Peepy and the housekeeping!”
And, you know, I happen to think that trying to be competent helps you have a loving heart!
I think that you love what you do when you know how to do it! Whether it's something the world sees as important or something it sees as drudgery, what's stopping you from tackling the stuff you have to do is not really knowing how to do it… how to get started… how to make it a habit….
Not only cleaning a bedroom but doing a good job of it — I don't know, it just satisfies in a way that cleaning it without being competent doesn't. And clean it you must.
Getting a good supper together, on time, frugally — there's a satisfaction in that, and I don't think it's sinful pride. I think it's the same good feeling you would have for anyone who did that, like when you say you are proud of your child for a good job. You are allowed to be proud of yourself that same way, you know.
Love your neighbor as yourself…means sometimes taking pleasure in a job well done just as if someone else did it, and this very pleasure glorifies God when it's offered to Him.
I do believe there's some confusion on this.
On the one hand, you could demand a perfectionism in the daily round that would get in the way of more important things. Losing peace over a messy room just isn't worth it. There are valid things that interfere. I remember times I just had to go shopping because no one had any underwear! That meant the cleaning was put off. (Someone who doesn't have a lot of kids around can hardly imagine this as a problem, but there's a critical mass of humanity that makes the smallest errand turn into a bog of quicksand.)
Tomorrow is another day to make another list and try again.
On the other hand, there's a scorn for doing things competently, as if there's something almost shameful in knowing how to keep things clean or teaching a child to read! As if real, intelligent, loving moms shouldn't care about home and children and husband! (Unless they can be shown to be dabbling in a high-priced way — “I used my fabulous designer squeegee to get this window fabulously clean — now, off to Martha's Vineyard with the Clintons!”)
But a daily commitment, usually without benefit of any kind of designer anything, is not going to be appreciated by many.
Maybe the confusion is not seeing that “be ye perfect” means, I think, that God wants our perfection in love. I think it's consoling to know that He is more patient than we can imagine with imperfections in everything else. There really can't be perfection in material things. So don't you see the go-ahead there to just do a humble, competent job when it comes to the “everything else”?
Do your best to do each thing competently (not perfectly) and add your own little touches for your own and the Lord's enjoyment. Don't get frustrated or down on yourself if it's not perfect, but don't think it doesn't matter. If taking care of your home, husband, and children doesn't matter, what does?
And maybe that little list really will be all, and you will know that. And maybe there will be another thought of something He's trying to tell you. And it will be clear quite soon, don't worry — no need to run away to find out.
I will help you to the best of my ability with the small duties you may have overlooked. Check out the sidebar and the categories for ideas of where to start.
And know that, with this calm determination to do what you should, you are finding out God's will just fine.
“Whoever is diligent will soon be cheerful…” (George MacDonald in The Princess and Curdie.)
Charlotte (Matilda) says
So many times I let the perfect become the enemy of the good. I have a blog post composed about this very issue and now I'm going to link to this one because you say it in such a loving, practical kind of way. Thank you, Auntie Leila!
Maria says
Some days are better than others : )
Thanks for the encouragement…it's one of “those” days today but probably won't be tomorrow : )
priest's wife says
I think this post is your most-helpful-ever…and I love that you admit your photos are mostly close-ups! 🙂 I am in the thick of things with 4 young ones…and God's will for me today is that I do my duty today- I LOVE THIS
Donna L. says
Thank you SO MUCH for this post today!
I especially loved the admonishment of — “and stop running around like a crazy person”, as well as the description of having to go shopping with lots of littles—“a critical mass of humanity that makes the smallest errand turn into a bog of quicksand”—ah yes, that is *right* where my heart and mind is right now!
Bless you for your great humour and insight!
Patty says
I also loved that phrase! Describes any venture out into the world with my three five-and-unders!
Rachael says
I have found that I need to identify those things that can be done to 'good enough' and those things that need more than that, though “perfect” really is a bad word for anyone outside of God. Also, as I aim to really think about housekeeping, cooking, etc as blessing my family, it become easier to take joy in the little, mundane items of life. Your blog and flylady.net have both been so helpful in teaching me good perspective on life, especially the running of a house and caring for children. Thank you!
Catherine R. says
This post was a comfort and encouragement today. “illness, nursing a baby, tiredness, importunate toddlers, someone unpleasant you must deal with….” Check, check, check, check and check.
You really are helping so many of us in the trenches of motherhood. Your post on taking a shower is one of my favorites ever. You have no idea how many times I would ask the question to myself and others… How do I just get a shower every day without it having to be some massive undertaking? I am still working on it.
Breanna says
Blerk! (That's a sound effect.) How did you know that I need to call the doctor today to make an appointment… and how much I hate doing that… sigh.
Duty is like mouthwash, sort of. Unpleasant just a first, but so nice after it's done! 🙂
_Leila says
Putting off doctors' appointments is my specialty. sigh.
Kathleen Jaeger says
I'm so glad to know that I'm not alone in this tendency!
Birdy says
Your posts always make me happy to get off the computer and clean my house! Thank you so very much for your encouragement, and for the hope you give us.
womanofthehouse says
I think Dickens conception of Mrs. Jellyby is brilliant! It's a fine example of how literature can impart important lessons without being preachy. I've just re-read a book about housekeeping that is so refreshing and wrote a post about it. I hope you don't mind if I post the link here (http://womanofthehouse-blog.blogspot.com/2011/03/2011-reading-challengebook-13.html)” target=”_blank”> http://womanofthehouse-blog.blogspot.com/2011/03/2011-reading-challengebook-13.html)” target=”_blank”>(http://womanofthehouse-blog.blogspot.com/2011/03/2011-reading-challengebook-13.html). The book is _Keeping House: The Litany of Everyday Life_ by Margaret Kim Peterson. She advocates a similar approach to yours. I thought some of your readers might like to read it.
Thank you for your common sense and willingness to share!
mrschesterton says
Just what I needed to hear. Thanks!
By the way, last Lent you promised your thoughts on Pieper's Liesure: The Basis of Culture. I'd really love to see a post on that someday when you're not too busy accomplishing God's will!
_Leila says
mrschesterton, working on it!
Miriam says
Exactly what the doctor ordered for me today. Thank you.
Miriam says
And I'm sorry to leave multiple comments but I want to tell you the gift of encouragement is a mighty gift indeed. You make me feel as though it's alright to be a bookish, easily distracted mother of five. Your words help me understand that calling my dish washing time a meditation (in attempt to trick myself into thinking chores are as good as alone time) is not as goofy as my husband thinks!
Patty says
It's true, most of the time I don't do things because I really don't know how or don't know how without stopping everything else (laundry, cooking, etc.) that I'm doing. Last year I stopped trying to get out of my house to “groups” a certain number of days per week and instead tried to focus on being at peace with my home and family responsibilities (ie., addressing anything—hotspots?—that was making me anxious… laundry, housekeeping, meals, etc.) on a regular basis. I'm so much less the “crazy person” for that. Little by little, I chip away at the things I don't know how to do or don't have a handle on. And of course I then add new things like homeschooling that I have to chip away at, so nothing is ever “finished” or “perfect,” but at least a good chunk of the time I don't feel “crazy”! Thank you for being one of the few voices out there who validate this work I do!
Sarah says
Thank you for this. I constantly have to remind myself that with a little one under foot things are not going to happen as fast as they used to – but that does not mean to say they don't have to happen as all. I have been revising my expectations, and actually that is helping me to get more done.
Robin says
Le sigh.
This is perfect and needs to be tattooed to my forehead. Thank you, thank you.
Lisa G. says
Well!
1. I knew what your advice would be before I read it – it reminded me so much of St. Francis de Sales, and that's what he advised.
2. What you said about knowing how to do your work competently is what struck me, and what I want to work on. It's been nagging at my subconscious lately and this brought it “up”.
3. Lastly, but not “leastly”, you say that if you can do something, anyone can. Of course that's so. But, you seem to have the gift of – I don't know – looking at the situation in such a way that you are wanting to figure it out, look at the root of it. I don't know how else to say it. But then you're able to explain about it to others. In a manner that seems so sensible and reasonable, which makes it so appealing and doable. And attractive.
I'm not entirely satisfied with the way I said that, but I can't think of a better.
4. Thanks for the advice and wisdom!
Judy@Learning says
Your excellent post applies just as much to me, an empty-nester with a seriously ill husband, as to the young mamas struggling to deal with infants and toddlers. I also have to focus on duty, and though my list may be shorter, my energy and mental clarity can be diminished for various reasons. I'm glad for this reminder that I do God's will when I do my duty with a loving heart.
If I may insert a little plea here, I would love to connect with some women close to my own age (nearly 70), to share the delights and challenges that come with (ahem!) maturity. Anyone out there?
_Leila says
Judy, I modestly think that the advice to do today's duties first applies to anyone in any walk of life. I'm so happy that you chimed in here, and I hope others will connect. It's each other we should be lifting up…
Katylamb says
Hi Judy,
I'm 57 and the grandmother of 6 and this is one of my favorite blogs to read. We can all use a little encouragement at times. 🙂
Laura says
Brilliant. Thank you again.
Tamara says
Oh, Leila. How you always speak right to my heart. xoxo
Beckie says
your blog is a continual delight to me. Thank you.
Sarah says
I know that such compliments make you blush, Auntie Leila, but this post is your BEST EVER! So helpful. So practical. So inspirational. To attend to just this one single day with a loving heart. Yes!
Thank you!
Christine says
Thank you for this!!! I need to read it often – it's such a lovely reminder. I read it to my husband and he reminded me of the two missions trips he went on looking for God's will and he came home both times with nothing – (just a wife crazy from being home for 10 days alone with all the babies hahaha). Anyway he grew to realize that God's will was right in front of him – being a Daddy and a missionary to the people he comes into contact every day here at home!!!! He encourages me every day that here in my home doing my job as Mommy is God's will too!!
Blessings,
Christine
margo says
Christine, this reminds me so strongly of a novel called Green Willow about a young man who thinks his destiny is away from his village. . .and how he discovers his real calling is at home. It's a lovely, nostalgic story with a humdinger of a point.
Joanie says
Yep, Golden! Another gem, Leila. Now I'm going to go make that front room pretty and welcoming!
margo says
dear Leila, I feel like I'm down in the trenches and I'm DOING this, but I don't have time to say what I'm doing. So you are the Voice that says it so well. I so agree: if my home and family aren't worth looking after, what is??!
And I love the idea that the Lord enjoys my little secret fillips in my daily work. . . there's a beautiful song in our hymnal called “nothing is lost on the breath of God” and mostly it is sung at funerals, WHY I don't know, because I think it applies to everything: all kindnesses, all jobs well done, all secret beauties. . . .they all mean something to God.
(song blogged here http://thriftathome.blogspot.com/2010/06/doing-so…
with link to full lyrics and music)
nt12many says
Let's see…if I re -read this post about 85 times I MIGHT be able to absorb all the wisdom in it.
Wow! Good job tackling that elusive wonderful something that happens when a person finds joy and contentment in embracing their little corner of the world.
God does mysteriously and miraculously take our small efforts and multiplies them in such a way that expands our world, enlarges our heart and extends our circle of loved ones.
Another wise and humble post Leila!
Jill Farris ” target=”_blank”>http://www.generationalwomanhood.wordpress.com ” target=”_blank”>http://www.jillcampbellfarris.com
ECRR says
This post reminds me of something beautiful Padre Pio once said regarding attaining Heaven (avoiding purgatory): “By accepting everything from God's hand, offering everything up to Him with love and thanksgiving will enable us to pass from our deathbed to paradise.” It is so simple. Just as you said: to faithfully and competently and lovingly attend to our daily duties in life, and offer everything lovingly to God. This is our way to Heaven… Love makes everything–even the smallest things–beautiful.
Jeannie says
Fantastic, Leila! I'm taking that MacDonald quote(isn't he great?!) and adding it to the other quotes I have pasted to our walls.
Marty says
I've been reading your blog for a few months and have really enjoyed it, but haven't commented before today. I had to comment this time as your post today really spoke to me, and brought together a whole lot of thoughts I had been having and made sense of them. I feel as if I have a strategy for moving forward now. Thank you!
Kelly says
Love your blog. Priest's wife reminded me about it. What a brilliant post! Though my seven are quickly growing up (five are daughters:)) I still have to stop and remind myself about what pleases God in my daily duties. Funny, the things that please God are the things that really deeply end up pleasing me as well! It's not a strain all the time.
Barbara says
Lovely, Leila. You do “encouragement” quite well. Your advice reminds me of St. Therese's Little Way.
Catherine says
This is truely substantial for me. I so enjoy your heaven-hearted ways and writtings!
Pippajo says
One of the most helpful things I've learned is to stop, close my eyes, take a deep breath and ask, “What am I supposed to be doing RIGHT NOW?” I get so bogged down in the overwhelming list of things I want to do or imagine myself doing that I lose sight of what I must do. I spend so much time dreaming of cleaning out the pantry, sorting through our household files, baking bread, and knitting sweaters that I forget to tend to the piles of laundry, stacks of dishes, rumpled beds and clumps of dog hair that really need my attention. And, of course I can't GET to the pantry, files, bread and knitting BECAUSE of the laundry, dishes, beds and fur. So I beat myself up a lot and then retreat to dreamland again and the whole cycle continues…
So, what am I supposed to be doing RIGHT NOW? Getting off of the computer! This is great and all, but I've got a house to run!
Lauren says
Auntie Leila, this is just what I needed to read today. How I wished you lived next door to me:)
Jen Green says
Thanks so much for the post. It definitely gives some thought to the issue of “what is my path”. Thank you and take care.
Lisa G. says
Re- reading this (like Jill above) reminds me of something I forgot to say yesterday. The paradox thing – it's also in Psalm 37 – of course, the translations differ – but the one I like was a title of a novel by Joan Carroll Cruz. “Delight in the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall give thee the desires of thy heart.” It often puts me in mind of Looking Glass House. A fascinating thing!
Lori Richmond says
Leila,
There is something I'm trying to figure out how to tackle and I'm hoping you will have an idea. I have been recently blessed with about 3000 sq.ft. of hardword flooring on three levels, a Shark steam mop and a new vacumm. My problem is I have no idea how to go about keeping the floors up. I have never had this much space,let alone wood floors and I'm lost. We have 10 kids,9 of them still home, two dogs and a cat. Any suggestions?
Thanks,
Lori
_Leila says
Lori, I would get some rugs! Seriously, as I've said in my cleaning posts, the most important thing you can give yourself is some proper mats at every entrance (read Don Aslett). PROPER. And be relentless about making everyone take off shoes when they come in. RELENTLESS. XOXO
Rachael says
Sometimes the most important things seem the mundane, while the urgent things seem exciting and important. May we learn to discern between the important and merely urgent and not succumb to the tyranny of the urgent (great little book). You post speaks directly to this and to what is important, yet so often not urgent.
Thank you, Auntie Leila!
Sue says
Oh, Leila, such perfect timing. Thanks, as always.
Suzanne says
Auntie Leila, this came at a perfect time for me. I am quitting my job in a few weeks to stay home and run my household and raise my sweet 4 month old boy. I have been back to work from maternity leave for a week and a half and realize that there is no way we can have a happy home with me working outside of it too. I am nervous about this new “job description” and excited too. I am printing and posting this blog post to keep me focused as I organize my new early days at home. Great encouragement!
becky@oursweetpeas says
I'm just reading this because I always wait to read your posts until I have time to sit and take it in. You tend to have some meaty posts that I want to sit and digest. When I saw the title I figured that it would be a good one and it was.
I remember in my 20's thinking “God's Will” was so mysterious. At some point I realized that in college his will was for me to do my best at what He'd given me to do and since it has morphed into being the wife and mother he wants me to be. So simple and yet we tend to make it complicated.
I am so on board with this but thanks for the beautiful reminder. 🙂
Deidra says
All that wisdom packed into one post. Brilliant!
Linda says
This is just wonderful as usual, Dear Leila. Thank you so much!
Katie says
Thank you for speaking right to the heart of what I feel most days. I have two little ones and sometimes feel like doing my 'duty' is all I have time for. It gets easier the older they get, but then we will God willing have more 🙂 Do you know of Catherine Doherty at all? Or about the 'duty of the moment'? I think you would quite like it… http://www.madonnahouse.org/publications/passiton…
Shalom says
While I appreciate the heart and intent of your post -and agree with nearly all of it. Another important thing to teach our children is not to replace God's Words with those of humanity. The 4th commandment is a blessing truly! But the correct wording is “do all of your work in SIX days and on the SEVENTH rest” Obedience to God is not about doing what people say is the right thing to do, it is about showing true love and respect for our Creator by doing our best to do as HE says in HIS Word. It is about being a humble child and sincerely obeying Him out of love, to honor and glorify Him. Man can never make a day Holy. Only God can.
Cammy says
Actually, for Roman Catholics, the 4th Commandment is “Honor thy Father and Mother”
Shalom says
My point exactly. No person actually has authority to change God's Word as th RC's have done. To honor God is to take His Word as He gave it <3 and to teach our children that. To honor and obey God rather than man is a most important duty of parenting. Honesty should be modeled (demonstrated), as should obedience and selfless Love.
_Leila says
In the text of Exodus there are actually 14 commandments. So obviously they have to be combined and it makes sense to combine some of them. You can read about how tradition (Jewish and Christian) worked this problem out here http://www.ewtn.com/library/ANSWERS/NUMBERNG.HTM
I'm not going to approve any more comments about this, because to argue about it is pointless. You can study the thing for yourself and come to your best understanding about it.
Insisting on which number “honor your father and mother” might be detracts from the issue, which is that each person, no matter what his state in life, must do the simple duties of the day, including loving and caring for one's children regardless of whether they seem to be “giving back” or not yet understanding *their* duty to love and honor us, as is written in either the Fourth or the Fifth Commandment.
If there is more anyone would like to say on the subject, they are always welcome to email me! XOXO
_Leila says
ah, yes, of course, I was a bit lost here.
The confusion is that RC's number the commandments a bit differently. That's okay — they're all in there. My point in the post was that children must learn to honor their mother and father, but that it takes time for them to learn, and in the meantime we have duties towards them.
Of course only God can make the days holy.
Polly says
I always appreciate your wise posts! I spent my 20s getting various postgraduate degrees (fortunately for free), traveling and wondering what I was supposed to do with my life.
As soon as my first baby was born, when I was 29, I had the answer.
Vocation. Duty. Yes, diligence!! Embracing these has given me unspeakable joy.
amy says
Thank you for this post. I so needed this today.
Only in Louisiana says
LOVE this post….I am going to keep it to reread over and over…..
Kara P. says
Perfect vs. competent is such a struggle I think for those of us that want a more simple lifestyle. I feel pressure to do it perfectly so that “I” look like I'm doing something worthwhile. Definitly an issue of sinful pride, not glorifying to God, not furthering the cause of simplicty or making my familys life better.
I knew I needed to get off the computer and go make some bread…..and I knew that reading your blog would make the job feel not so daunting! Thanks you for the encouragment you are to all of us striving to raise godly children in a happy and peaceful home. You are refreshing!
Amanda says
I read this about 2 weeks ago and was inspired. Yes! I thought! Aha! She is so right.. I knew that but the words are just perfect! And then maybe I forgot… “Try to do all the stuff you have to do today, with love..” I always either try to do too much or avoid the little things. This tired pregnant mama is off to do my duty..
Amanda
Kristi says
Dear Leila, I am a new reader and I love you! I'm bookish, easily distracted from what is in front of me to do (kids? need lunch??) and you're helping me see that it's ok to be me (a theme between God & me these days) and that it's doable to get my home & life in greater order. So encouraging. Thank you!
Elizabeth says
Thank you. I've read this particular post before, more than once, and it has helped me again today! Thank you for helping me to regain perspective on this day and this life!
God bless you all.
Julie V S says
This is wonderful. You are throwing me (threw to the heedful, and blessedly left!) lifelines, over and over, and I am so grateful to be finally seeing and grabbing hold of them.
Shyla says
This post is absolute gold! So easy to runaway to try and find His will for us! I know I must have read this before but I am so glad to have come across it again! Thanks for linking it in today’s bits and pieces.