Spring approaches, and, with it, one of my favorite times of the year: Wedding Season. For all of you brides, mothers of brides, brides-to-be, and someday-brides — and any grooms reading along — I thought I would return to that beloved theme of wedding planning.
And, just like that, we're off on a new series!
In this series, I'm going to try to paint a big picture while also dipping into some (hopefully) helpful, nuts-and-bolts details. And I hope that those of you with details to share will let us know what has worked for you and in your families and communities!
{Some generous friends and acquaintances have permitted me to share glimpses of their weddings with you so that you can be inspired by real-life examples of the things I'll be talking about. I hope you enjoy their pictures as much as I have!}
So what is it that you want, dear Bride, when it comes to that big event, the Wedding Reception?
If you spend time perusing magazines or on Pinterest* gathering ideas, you may have a sinking feeling that you can't possibly afford or otherwise achieve the ideal reception; or you're determined to go for that industry-set standard, even while understanding that it may put you in debt or get you off to very costly start to your marriage.
There may be aspects to the “Perfect Reception” that you sometimes feel are indispensable and yet you're not sure how you could possibly attain them, given your budget, time, your resources, or for other reasons.
You may feel that you have pressure riding on you to please a lot of people, and perhaps various people who have different and even, at times, opposing desires and demands.
But when you take a deep breath and some time to pray about it, what do you think you really want for your wedding reception?
- You want a joyful celebration of the happy event of being wed to your beloved.
- You want a fun and memorable time with your loved ones.
- You want a party that expresses you — not you in the sense that you and your groom have to be celebrities for a day, with the world revolving around you, but you in the sense of who you are collectively with your families, your community, your friends, and all that you represent. About you in the sense that it is not about some abstracted performance of what the wedding industry has decided a ‘Perfect Reception' has to be. In other words, you want it to be authentic.
- And you want it to be affordable, because going into debt over your wedding is not the way to start off your marriage.
Well, the good news is that, if you can hang on to your own vision while wedding planning – and hopefully this series will help you – you will get a reception that is joyful, fun, memorable, authentic, and affordable!
Listen: your friends and family don't want to attend just another party and hang around just another cash bar; they want to be there to celebrate your wedding with you and your groom, and your wedding reception is the only time and place that they can do just that. They will be there because of you two, to witness to your marriage and support you and celebrate with you. They don't want the Perfect Reception; they want your reception – the one you want.
Here are some tips to help you embrace and go with that thought:
1. Your wedding reception is not a performance.
Sure, there may be parts of your reception that involve a performance (and whenever you have a group of people together to celebrate, it's fun for those with gifts to share to get up and share them for the amusement and entertainment of those gathered). But overall it is not about showing off or about impressing your guests.
Anytime you find yourself trying to incorporate a detail in order to impress your guests, your instinct should be to scratch that detail right off of the to-do list. Make things beautiful, make things fun, include details that will enrich the day and please those who have traveled to be with you… but just forget about impressing them. If you're going to be authentic, you can't be in performance mode.
2. Focus on hospitality.
Try to think of the other times you and/or your family has thrown a big party for extended family and friends. Now, unlike most of these occasions, the wedding reception is (probably) not being held at your home, so it's easier to get detached from the fact that it really is the same thing (a party hosted by you), only on a different scale.
A helpful antidote to the problem of getting into a reception-as-performance – and also the problem of feeling pressure due to the demands of others – is to focus on the reception as an opportunity for hospitality.
Hospitality doesn't depend on your budget: whether your offering is modest or grand, in order for it to be gracious it has to be guest-oriented. Keep that in mind, and it will steer you in the right direction throughout your planning.
3. Embrace the unique aspects of your context.**
When you set out to plan your wedding, you have a choice: either you can do your thing or you can compete on the level of what the bridal magazines say you should be doing (which just means trying to do someone else's thing, only usually without their budget). Again, your guests will be there because they love you.
If you go with your “thing” – whatever that is – it will likely be more fun and memorable for your guests than a standard, expected, “Perfect Reception.” So if there's a particular style of food or music or venue that is unique to your family or community or heritage, go with that!
Do you have an ethnic custom to include? Do you and your friends like to sing? Does your family own a restaurant? Is your town into fireworks? Celebrate the way that you (again, the collective “you”) like to celebrate!
4. Embrace the size of your wedding and plan accordingly.
When you look at wedding “inspiration” photo shoots or spreads in magazines, they are usually either staged for photos of a single couple (that is, it's not real – it's literally just a hired model “couple” and a crew of stylists, event planners, photographers, etc.) or for a very small wedding party. If you are throwing a wedding with, say, 45 guests, things like an elaborate meal and expensive band are more likely options for you.
But the truth is that many of us want to invite more than about 30 people (some have more than 45 guests in extended family alone!), and so we have to plan accordingly. This means that we have to take those photo spreads with a healthy grain of salt.
If you try to have that renaissance-meets-modern-chic theme for 45 guests that you saw in a magazine, only you'll actually have 200, you may a) go insane b) go deeply into debt or c) both — and you may still miss out on the reception that you really want. If you're having 200, run with it.
Be willing to reject ideas based on the fact that they do not suit your wedding size. Go ahead and simplify and pare down. The merriment in numbers will make up for a lot. (And, as it turns out, big gatherings correspond to happy marriages, whereas expensive gatherings don't, necessarily).
Now, if you have a total of 50 people coming to your wedding, you can do very different things, and you should embrace that as well.
The point is to be realistic about what the size of your party is and what that means.
5. Eschew details that you would never otherwise consider.**
When you're a bride, it's easy and tempting to enter into a twilight zone of Bridal Decision Making. One reason that weddings get so expensive so fast is that brides (and those influencing their decision-making, like Mothers of Brides and girlfriends) get into the mindset of “but this is your wedding! You only get married once!” This leads to choices that the bride would not otherwise make.
Aside from the expense of thinking this way, it can also factor into the party becoming less authentic. What starts out as a fun celebration of a sacred event becomes the “Perfect” (and Pricey) Reception that takes on a life of its own – often at the expense of joy – and no longer reflects that collective “you” I'm talking about.
So, when it comes to details of your wedding reception, if it doesn't feel natural, don't do it. Is the fabric of the wedding gown actually rather costume-y and not something you'd ever choose to wear for any other fancy event? Do you actually hate the music that the DJ is proposing to play? Are you actually extremely uncomfortable with the idea of your groom removing your garter on the dance floor, or of dozens of cameras in your face when you try to eat your first bite of cake?
Don't feel you have to go along with something just because it is “Perfect Reception” protocol. Instead, be authentic, and call the shots (beforehand, of course, to avoid drama).
Wear a gown that's beautiful and special and comfortable.
Have a newlywed game instead of a garter toss.
Play the music that you and your friends like to dance to. Eat your cake along with everyone else without any big announcements made.
Just do your thing and have fun!
6. Seek and accept the help of family and loved ones.
This is a favorite theme of mine. In my post on keeping wedding costs down, I talked a lot about how key it is to have help from family and friends. But if you are able to include your loved ones in the planning and execution of your day, affordability isn't the only benefit: it will also contribute to the fun, joy, and authenticity of your event!
Most people of good will appreciate the chance to lend a hand on your big day and it's a lovely way to draw people together and facilitate connections between guests at your wedding. And if you are able to incorporate the help of people close to you, you avoid the risk of your reception being “run” like a performance by someone else for whom it's just a job.
This suggestion, of course, depends a lot on who your loved ones are and what your situation is. Obviously you have to use good judgement to know if enlisting someone for a particular job will be helpful or if it will just generate chaos and stress. But if you have competent people close to you in your life, my guess is that they would rather be part of making your reception the one you really want than just showing up at a fancy party to be served by strangers.
So, these are my big picture thoughts to help you get going. In the next post, we'll get more detailed and practical.
For those of you who've been through the wedding planning process already: what are some other big picture thoughts that helped you stay grounded and have fun at your wedding reception?
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*I will be writing about the problem of Bridal Magazines/Pinterest in another post in this series. For now I just want to say that I do endorse Pinterest if you can use it wisely and with direction. It's an extremely useful tool especially if you're trying to keep several people on the same page. Visuals are always going to help them understand you. But it can be dangerous, too, so you need to know your limits!
**You know me and the other LMLD ladies: we're all about tradition. Tradition is beautiful and often carries us through when we don't have any particular inspiration of our own. I trust that you'll understand that I don't mean to argue against wedding traditions in the least — but we do have to recognize that, in our own culture, many of the things that we consider wedding “traditions” are relatively new, not always affordable, and more industry-driven than time-tested. So I merely encourage you, dear Bride, to exercise some critical thinking when you are presented with the “Perfect Reception,” while of course honoring the good traditions that you have. As a good rule of thumb, the best kinds of traditions are generally not expensive!
Next in this series: {pretty, happy, real weddings} the Wholesome, Good-Times Reception
Previously:
How To: Cut Back on the 5 Big Costs of Weddings
10 Practical Tips for a Calm Wedding Morning
b says
A couple things that helped us save –
1. We had our wedding where one set of grandparents lived, which was far from us, but much easier on the rest of the family regarding travel, so we only invited family and a few very close friends
2. We went with a simple buffet for food, and chose to not serve alcohol
3. No DJ/music at the reception
(both the lack of alcohol and music reflected the style of reception we expected from the guest list we had, and it worked really well)
4. Finding a photographer that did a la carte pricing on individual items rather than forcing us to buy a huge package of things we didn’t want
Mary Alexander says
My clever husband bought a sound system on ebay (from DJ’s getting out of the business) and we enlisted all the family’s help in picking good music. One of the bride’s brothers did the DJing and the dancing was great. This avoided the problem of embarrassing songs being played, embarrassing comments from the DJ and being tied to a certain time limit. We danced for as long as we had the strength. One of the highlights was a men/boy’s dance off. I’m still laughing.
Second money saving tip- as the groom as a Marine and one of his attendants- they could not wear boutionnere’s so we didn’t have any. I don’t think anyone noticed it and the fussiness of them always bugged me.
Finally, this is really going to sound like heresy but the local Super Walmart made beautiful wedding cakes. For $150 we had a cake for 150 people. The cake was located on an upper level (of the barn) so everyone had a great view of the couple cutting the cake but no one even looked twice at is. And while I’ve been to many wedding receptions where no one eats the cake, these pieces were gone!
Kate says
Inexpensive cake is a great suggestion, especially as so many people are going gluten free or on special diets. At my niece’s wedding she provided cupcakes for the many kids, but there was a lot of regular wedding cake left over. It was not a huge cake and it was homemade and delicious, but not many adults took a slice. My sister had to find some way to store the left overs or unload it on families afterwards.
BridgetAnn says
I also picked out every. single. song for our reception. (Well, more than enough songs for the time limit.) I’m very picky about music and I also didn’t want anything being played that was inappropriate or what I wouldn’t listen to. Took time but was worth it!
Barbara says
As the mother of the groom for a wedding we’re having in June, my biggest struggle is: Catholic wedding, new Catholic bride, hence non-Catholic mother and father of the bride. As the mother of the groom, most of my suggestions are ignored (and I don’t make many). The bride caves to her mother’s strong personality, and I think at this point, she can’t wait until it’s over (at least that’s the impression she gives me). I’m sewing all of the bridesmaid’s dresses, and we’ve paid for part of the wedding, but mostly I feel like the old saying goes: the mother of the groom wears beige and keeps her mouth shut. 🙁 It’s sad to feel like a non-participant in your son’s wedding.
Jenny says
My own wedding was mostly about other people. We just had to grit our teeth to get through it . It was my mother’s grand payback to all her coworkers weddings she had been forced to attend over the years and my MIL’s grand opportunity to passive-aggressively try to “fix” what she didn’t like. Like the fact that although we had a band, we did not want to do a traditional first dance because neither one of us like that kind of thing. So she just went to the band and had them announce us in the middle of the reception and our choice was to dance or make a scene. We danced, but the annoyance is clear on our faces in the pictures.
The only advice I can have is to give as much support to your future DIL as possible. If she is hearing it from her own mother, take my word she needs a place where she doesn’t feel judged about all the things.
Barbara says
She does use me to sound off, but she always goes with her mom’s choices, because of her mother’s personality, and then I feel like why ask me in the first place? (but I button my lip) I think her mom is doing the same thing your mom did, and I feel like the kids would be happy with the Mass and that’s it — no party — just because it’s become such a hassle. I think they should do what they want (within reason) and every one should step back.
Leila says
Barbara, my suggestion is to do your best to support the bride, of course. If you have input about the Mass, do give it in the best way you know how, maybe talking with your son. Many people don’t realize what goes into a Mass, certainly not non-Catholics.
For instance, vestments for the priest, altar boys (you can take care of this completely, but how nice to have experienced servers there), the music for the ceremony. These things take a lot of effort even if you know about what to do — they seem insurmountable if you don’t know what to do.
Since Rosie and her husband had a Mass in the Extraordinary Form (which we are not that familiar with), her mother-in-law took care of most of these details. I was so grateful.
Barbara says
Thanks, Leila. My son and future daughter-in-law have looked to me for much guidance for the Mass (in fact all guidance for the Mass, besides what the priest has given), but I just this past weekend found out the bride’s mother met with the organist and ok’d changes in the music program, after the kids and I had carefully chosen all the hymns and approved them with the professional cantor (to whom we are paying a lot of money, and who is my son’s high school choir director). It’s so hard to know when and how to be a buttinski.
Leila says
Oh Barbara, I feel for you. But I know that your efforts will be rewarded. You are a good mother-in-law-to-be!
Hang in there 🙂
God bless you!
BridgetAnn says
For what it’s worth, I’d say that making the bridesmaids dresses is a big deal! What a compliment that your future daughter-in-law trusts you with your style and expertise. And, years from now, most people will not remember what songs where played at the reception or what food was eaten, but those bridesmaids dresses will be memorialized in pictures!
Ally | A Home Called Shalom says
Our little wedding was definitely “us.” My mother-in-law made the cake (a favorite recipe of my husband’s), which was supplemented by cookies from my grandma (her specialty). I made all the boutonnieres, bouquets, and table decorations myself… because I’m crazy and also a little crafty and knew what I wanted.
It was perfect for us. Definitely a celebration of our love- and the love of people who raised and love us!
Susan says
Great ideas. Many of these guided our reception twelve years ago. We pitched a tent in the backyard of the church. The pastor was over the moon–no one had ever done it despite the fact that the church has extensive grounds. Everyone just walked from one place to the other. We had a buffet luncheon which meant that people could eat and mingle at their leisure–no getting stuck at a boring table! And it meant that not everyone needed a seat at the same time which saved on tables. We had a family friend give us a deal on catering of sandwich and cheese plates. Another family friend is in the liquor business and gifted us all-you-can-drink champagne. We bought classy glass bottles of Coke and Perrier at Costco for the rest. I have two amazing crafty friends. I sent them to Walmart with my credit card 48 hours before the reception and they came up with simple fun decorations and had a BLAST doing it. Some of these ideas depend on having friends with certain abilities but most of them were profusely thankful that I wanted to include their talents in my day and not micromanage everything. It was fabulous and very inexpensive. We went to Europe for two months with the remainder of our wedding budget.
Madeleine says
Our wedding was not Pinterest-worthy, but several people said it was the most beautiful wedding they’d attended. I wanted 1) a beautiful liturgy, 2) an emphasis on community, and 3) minimal stress! We were blessed to have a lot of help from my home community, and we considered their contributions our most precious gifts. The memories of my dear friend’s delicious homemade cake, the beautiful flower arrangements my mother’s friend made with flowers from her garden, and a psalm another friend composed and led at the Mass are far more dear to me than a Kitchen Aid! Food was catered by the local grocery store. It was so simple we didn’t even have any bridesmaids or groomsmen! We opted for a church hall afternoon reception immediately after the ceremony (we took a few pictures on site), and I have to say that going off to enjoy a romantic dinner at a classy restaurant with my new husband is yet another one of my most treasured memories (although for the life of me I can’t remember what we ate!). I also laid my bouquet at the feet of the statue of Mary during the liturgy — though if I had known how beautiful it was going to be, I might not have had the courage to make that sacrifice! 😉 Oh, and my absolute favourite part of the preparation was making goodie bags full of dollar store entertainment for each of the kids who came — I thought that would please people more than any wedding favours they’d toss after a year, and the kids were delighted. We also provided them with balloons and a little table in one corner of the hall so they could have their own space to enjoy what otherwise could have been a boring grown-up occasion!
Madeleine says
I have just remembered the guiding thought I kept in mind when I was planning our wedding (and perhaps I should confess that it was easy for me not to get worried about the extras seeing as we had a four-month engagement):
*Remember that this is a Sacrament you are preparing for, not a Production!*
At the end of the day, I would remind myself when tempted to feel anxious, all I wanted was to have gotten married and to have had a joyful little party with the people we love.
A lot of people have been mentioning liquor. One thing we did to cut costs yet have something a little special for the occasion was to buy enough prosecco (poor man’s champagne) for each guest of drinking age to have a flute (thank you, Dollar Store!) for the toasts. The children and non-drinkers were offered sparkling juice. We made sure there was a little extra just in case, but in the end there was a lot left over and my mother sent us off on our honeymoon with an extra bottle.
Tori says
Such great advice! I like to think that we did pretty well with our reception. Friends of my parents made and served the food (cafeteria style for quickness) , and everyone got the same thing. It was good, there was plenty, and it didn’t break the bank. We bought a bunch of cheesecakes and instead of the traditional tiered number we had a friend decorate and arrange a few of them for the cake table. My mom arranged a bunch of mini-games for the many kids to play, complete with prizes, and I highly recommend doing something similar if you have lots of kids among your family and friends. Worked like a charm. Family helped get the hall ready, too, there really is nothing like having many willing hands! I think if I could go back, I might skip the garter toss. I was pretty indifferent to it but it felt like it was part of the whole thing so we just went with it. Actually the truth is, I always hated the bouquet toss when I attended weddings…but I thought some of my single friends would kill me if I skipped that. I guess if we could do it again I’d skip both and do something else instead. I liked having a DJ because we are a dancing family, but maybe now (10 years later) it would be just as easy to make a wedding play list. Then it would feel less like someone else was running the show. Pros and cons for each way, I guess. Anyway, sorry for the novel. I hope some brides to be read this and take your advice!
Sarah says
This is a great list. Another way to even further simplify “Eschew details that you would never otherwise consider” is “pick the handful of things you care about most and prioritize those.” I think many people start with the very long list of “typical” magazine wedding must-haves (favors! special getaway vehicle! mood lighting! perfect entrance! perfect outfits! etc. etc.) and then start crossing off the ones they just can’t manage or afford. None of them are bad in and of themselves, of course, but every couple values different things. We found it very helpful to instead start with the few things we cared about most to make the event special, and line them up. After those items, anytime we thought of something “extra” (or someone else told us we really SHOULD be doing this or that) we just decided if it was something important and affordable to us or important to the comfort and pleasure of our guests, then added or skipped as necessary. In our case we prioritized a joyful wedding and reception with a) beautiful liturgy, b) good live music, c) beautiful flowers, and d) good food in a relaxing atmosphere. We had the wedding and reception at my school (the University of Chicago) which saved a lot on rentals. The setting itself is lovely, so very little decoration was needed. We carefully picked hymns and hired the chapel organist for the ceremony. For the reception we hired a classical string quartet from a nearby college who were delighted to have a chance to perform publicly for a very low fee. A talented friend did flowers – an area where we were willing to spend a bit extra for beautiful bouquets in thrift store baskets on all the tables since those were the only decorations (it definitely helps to pick a lovely but low-cost location if you want to save on the decor budget!). We wanted good food but at an affordable cost, so we chose to have a morning wedding with an “afternoon tea” type lunch reception, kicked off with hot cocoa/coffee/cider while everyone waited for the wedding party to come in since it was January and cold. Afternoon tea type foods were delicious and a nice mix of fancy/traditional while still keeping things casual since people were popping up for food vs. sitting and waiting for plated meals. High quality scones/sausages/fruit/tarts, etc. were definitely more affordable than a fancier dinner. My husband is NOT a late-night guy, so the classic evening reception would have been torture for him. We chose to skip dancing since it’s just not a priority for us and many of our friends don’t dance. We also skipped alcohol, both because of cost and because of a number of alcoholic relatives. As books, relatives or friends/coworkers insisted on or brought up each extra thing beyond that we just tried to evaluate it, then respectfully and politely decide yes or no. Favors? Extra work/cost for 150 items that most people leave at the table or throw in the trash anyhow – no. Special getaway vehicle (one relative really wanted us to have a horse-drawn carriage!) – cute, but not worth the extra cost or logistics to us. MUST have alcohol, how could you have a party without it? – I could very well have a party without drunken relatives causing scenes, thankyouverymuch :). This high end reception location/that $150/plate catering service that is “the only one worth hiring”, etc. – no. The four or five priorities really helped us evaluate the other 100s of wedding ideas presented via Pinterest/books/etc.
I really love that you emphasize the reception as hospitality. We really wanted to thank our friends and family for supporting us to that point, and for traveling from near and far to celebrate with us. So, considering their comfort and fun vs. things that merely focused on us was another way we were able to eliminate extraneous ideas causing stress to us and decide on priorities. Tasty drinks/seating/pleasant environment/careful seating/friends “on duty” to watch for individuals who were left out or isolated, etc. were important to their pleasure and comfort, while photos of the couple at every table or displays of our story, etc. were not really critical (nothing wrong with them, just easy to eliminate if the wedding prep is already tiring you out!).
The one thing I hadn’t realized about wedding planning before announcing our engagement was that EVERYONE has an opinion about your wedding – parents, in-laws, relatives, friends, coworkers, store clerks… While we tried to be respectful and listen well, we also had to develop tactics for respectfully saying no when pressured if we felt something was inappropriate, too expensive, or not us. Literally the only person I remember who did not give advice on how the wedding ought to go was my boss, who limited his comments to “You! Have an amazing time!” when he walked out of our office at the end of the work day before I left for my wedding. I so appreciated it, and have tried to follow his example since. As the bride, especially if one has high-intensity/strong-opinioned relatives it is such a blessing to know there are people who are there simply there to encourage you, pray for you, and support you in the midst of all the surrounding pressure!
Kari says
We also had afternoon tea – best decision I made. Not only was it affordable, pleasant, and fun, but it gave us as a couple an entire evening to ourselves! Who wants to collapse at the end of an exhausting party? We had time and energy for each other at the end of our wedding day.
Erin says
I actually (forcibly) delegated a lot of our wedding planning, and was disappointed at the time, but we got married! We were married in a beautiful old church which is now a shrine, so we brought our priest with us. I picked readings, Mass setting, and all the other music, and got two friends to do it – benefits of being in music ministry. The church caretakers surprised us with live doves to release after the ceremony. A good friend of ours arranged the entire reception at the local historical society, which he runs, and he and the women of the society, along with my aunt, catered and served the whole reception, decorated (we used one of the local school’s colors because they keep decorations on hand for the annual alumni banquet), and provided live harp music from a member’s teenaged granddaughter. I chose flower colors and the florist’s mother, a fellow parishioner and my 3rd grade teacher, set them up. The bridal party chose their own dresses to coordinate with the flowers and mine was an heirloom. I did take my sisters shopping for dress clothes and a flower girl outfit, and I baked the cake with my former-caterer aunt’s help. We had extra food and drink to accommodate the various people who invited themselves or were invited by our “planning committee” – we gave them extra invitations to distribute – and overall it was not what we would really have chosen, but we were so glad for the love and involvement of our family and friends.
Melissa D says
… I used to write (and blogged daily!) for Brides and still write for other bridal publications and designers, so I know exactly what you’re talking about — the rise of Wedding as Spectacle. But it IS possible to be a reasonable bride and not a Bridezilla, on a budget — on a TIGHT budget, and I encourage everyone to do so, debt-free. And the more we do it, the more we encourage others to do it as well. I really wanted a chic, tiny wedding (and had the tear-sheets to map it all out), but I married into a large Irish-Catholic family. With aunts and uncles and cousins for days — for DAYS!!! And they were all invited. And all of them came.
So we had a fun, big wedding outside a nearby historic courthouse (cheap but pretty) on the steps… cocktails inside the courthouse where the museum was….reception in the upstairs former courtroom. All in one place, with “hospitality” pretty much covered by a free full bar. I had been laid off recently, and our budget shrank considerably — so we splurged on flowers and the bar. My cake was made in a small town and delivered, and was the best cake ever. I kept the colors to green and white so that any flowers would look good (and could be substituted as needed — September in Atlanta is murder on everything that lives). I picked up my dress for $250 — it was the first dress I took off the rack, and I loved it, and I just happened to arrive at the Davids Bridal $99 sale day. Providential blessing — because I love writing about these things but loathe shopping, and my mom is even worse. I made my own veil. We had to rent a massive bus to get the aged aunts and uncles 2 blocks up the hill from the hotel. It was before Pinterest, and it was a lovely wedding.
I have to say that every wedding will have its minor disasters that will be hilarious in retrospect. My husband’s aunts commandeered our family table so we didn’t have a place to sit, but at least we admired our specially decorated chairs from afar. 🙂 When our romantic first dance was announced I peered through the crowd to see that my husband was in the corner hissing at and tossing out one of the servers, who was disturbed/drunk/totally bananas. So I danced with my brother-in-law. The cake cutters, instead of cutting rings of cake, cut massive, triangular slices from the center to the edge that didn’t even fit on the plates. (Our catering supervisor left 20YOs in charge — why, I do not know, but we *had* gone budget on the catering, so….) I forgot my vows completely — but my dear husband slipped an index card out of his pocket and held it up so I could see it and no one else could. And my shoe kept falling off as I walked down the aisle. Over and over. So I sort of shuffled, with a parent on each arm. And yet: the thing I remember most is seeing my husband’s face as I walked down the aisle, and how happy our friends were.
Katie says
Deidre, this promises to be a great series. Surely the {funny} is inevitable in party-hosting too, isn’t it? If we can find the grace to have good humor anyway. =) Granted it’s been eight years since our own wedding and will be another twenty before we host one for our own daughter(s), but of course there are still friends and sisters-in-law to support in coming wedding seasons.
I think you’ll get to these sorts of details later in the series, but some of the things I’m glad I focused on were: 1) planning the ceremony/music/liturgy and putting MY hardest thought and work into the service itself (others helped with the party details of course); 2) having a reception that embraced the presence of all ages, especially children; 3) including some family traditions in our food . . . my MIL baked her classic chocolate cake, we gave the caterers the recipe to my family-in-law’s punch, etc.; and 4) being open to what turned out to be the “best” location, which was our college campus (as Sarah also notes above). Since we are from different cities, it was conveniently halfway between, and really special to gather our friends and family at a place with significance for all involved.
Stacy says
We had a tiny wedding and reception, 30 close family members only, no bridesmaids or groomsmen. I am estranged from most of my extended family (nasty divorces and alcoholism) and his family lived hours away. His grandma was so mad we didn’t invite his huge extended family, or have the wedding in her hometown, that she refused to attend the reception. His extended family just bickers and gets drunk, I’m glad we kept it small. My only regret is we didn’t take a honeymoon, but we were poor college students and neither parents offered to help and the wedding budget was tiny. A lot of people had their feelings hurt over what they thought our wedding should be! I’m just glad it’s over and we’ve made it thirteen years. Maybe a honeymoon for our twentieth? I love all of the ideas people have shared! My oldest child is twelve and I guess wedding planning is something that will come up again in the future.
Sarah says
Your wedding sounded a little like mine :-). A very small group- the Church felt quite empty. My Dad and two sisters came from out of state (opposite coast) but not my mom or 7 other sibs. We didn’t invite my husband’s extended family bc we didn’t want it so glaring that my family was mostly not present. My husband is fairly estranged from his family so we planned it ourselves and had no input. We had a small wedding budget (a small fraction of my sisters’) from my Dad and we bought the most necessary items. We were totally poor so no honeymoon either. Here we are, almost 16 years later, our oldest 13, and still hoping for a honeymoon when our children are all old enough. 🙂
Annalisa says
My suggestion to parents of the bride and groom, is this: if you are paying for the whole or part of the wedding, please, please, please give the bride and groom a budget. It helps them prioritize. Even if you are unsure of your budget or you are willing to spend anything it takes, please suggest one. A budget will help keep them focused.
Annalisa says
Oh, the sneaky comma. Where did that come from?
Rose says
I love your comment about many hands making light work! With over 100 first cousins in my family alone, you can imagine how big it was! Of course, with all that family comes tons of talent. My cousins in Mexico had started their own stationary company and gifted us 500 multi-part (invite, invite sheath, prayer, reception card, invite to Adoration the night before the wedding) vellum and ribbon and fancy paper invitations. My aunts and mom made all our centerpieces, bouquets, corsages, etc. with flowers purchased wholesale. Our enormous cake was a gift from a local cloistered Monestary where we received a special blessing after the Mass (the sisters there also made my baptismal cake and parents’ wedding cake). A local seamstress made all the bridesmaid dresses for $50 each and they were made of beautiful material we picked up wholesale in Mexico. We were blessed with so much help and it freed us to really focus on beautiful music and liturgy for our Mass! It was a wonderful time! I also always say, don’t stress if some details fall through- the guests won’t even realize what they missed and will have a great time anyway!
Carol Kennedy says
No time to read everyone’s ideas so I hope I am not repeating anyone. Our wedding reception was a great success in most respects. We picked an inexpensive, yet fairly large location to accommodate all the kids that would attend (we know quite a few largish families!). It had an outdoor area and we hired a couple of teen girls to keep an eye on the kids outside. They were introduced at the beginning of the reception and most parents were more relaxed because of it. We also did not have a wedding party table, but had family tables and a table for two for us. And finally, a friend advised us to stick together as much as possible throughout the reception so that our memories would be together. We did and were so glad we did!
Kristina says
Just two quick thoughts:
1. Cheerfulness goes a LONG way on wedding day. A cheerful bride makes everyone happy. Cheerful mothers (of bride and groom) are even better.
2. Sometimes the most memorable points of the reception are completely unplanned. At our wedding in 1998 (I hope Auntie Leila remembers being there!) our DJ kicked everyone off the dance floor at one point except for my husband and me. He turned on some Blues Brothers music, gave the two of us black hats and shades (like Jake and Elwood) and lead us in two really fun dances. The rest of the guests quickly joined in. It was a complete surprise and so fun and funny! So much so that it has become a family tradition- we have the same songs, hats, sunglasses and dances at all my husbands’ siblings’ weddings.
Leila says
Kristina — I do! So fun. And I remember not only the fabulous bar-height-setting loveliness of your parents’ back yard, the wonderful food, and the gracious hospitality, but also the sweetness of your MIL with her littles surrounding her! I think she was expecting? Anyway, I was so impressed with everything, including the fun!
Anne-Marie says
I have one piece of advice to add to this excellent post: to plan the reception so that you (bride and groom) will have time to talk to the guests. For one thing, it may be your only chance for a long time to meet each other’s extended family. For another, they came to share in your happiness, and wishing you well in person is a part of that (and from your side, receiving their wishes is part of being hospitable).
A receiving line is one way to do this, but it can get time-consuming if you have lots of guests–and what does everyone else do in the meantime? Our daughters’ wedding reception was at lunchtime, and had no dancing, so there was time for them to circulate to all the tables.
Jo says
We had an afternoon reception, and did sort-of a receiving line after the liturgy, but honestly the way we ended up saying hi to all our guests was by walking down the line as people waited to get cake! It sort of happened by accident but it gave us ample opportunity to say hello to everyone who wasn’t going to be sticking around after we went to Saturday vigil Mass. True, we didn’t get much of a chance to eat cake, but the cake-baker made us an entire mini-cake of our own that we’ve STILL got pieces of in the freezer. (And it is still delicious.)
Lindsay says
i am going to love this series! For money saving tips – hmm. Think of where things can serve dual purposes. We had a farmhouse reception in New England in the fall, and caramel apples served as favors and place cards. And don’t be afraid to ask for discounts! Our caterer’s first proposal was crazy. I remember crying to my fiancé that people were flying in from California, and we couldn’t serve them samdwiches! Of course we could have, but we didn’t have to because when I swallowed my pride and told the caterer how much he needed to cut, he did it. And people loved our (scaled back) meal. And you must prioritize – good food and not having a cash bar were important for us. However, we couldn’t afford a full open bar, so we chose some nice wines and local beers, and two signature cocktails, and I didn’t hear one complaint.
Anne-Marie says
Regarding wedding expense: Many years ago I read the account of a high society wedding in Montreal–the sort of wedding where the guest list includes so many high-ranking people that your seating chart has to take political rank and party into account. I think it cost a quarter of a million dollars altogether (in 1980s dollars!), and yet… the bride’s mother complained that the floral arrangements decorating the pews had the candles at the wrong height. No matter what you spend, it is impossible to have a *perfect* wedding, so you might as well have one you like.
Wanda says
We are in the middle of planning our 4th daughter’s wedding. This is our 4 th wedding to give, but we have one more daughter that is not married. A little experience here.
First of all, we did hire a wedding planner. We paid the fee that would give us access to her along the way if we had questions but mostly to have her the week of the wedding. At that point we we’re able to turn all the details over to her and enjoy ourselves. I must say it was the best spent money. She came through with flawless events each time.
Second, we most assuredly let our daughters know this day was ” not about them”. She and her groom were why we all gathered, but the day was about celebrating the sacrament and being a family. This took the pressure of of that performing mentality. They relaxed.
Third, hospitality is a huge part of all our events. We have many guests that come from far away. We have always requested that the out of town guests be included in the rehearsal dinner. Many items at the reception itself focuses on the comfort of our guests. We offer them part of the transportation we have arranged to and from the church. And we insist that bride and groom begin on one side of the ballroom while my husband and I gegin on the other and personally greet each table of guests.
I’m blogging about bits and pieces of the current planning, trying not to give too much away. My daughter was getting a little overwhelmed so she requested when a decision needed to be made I give her 3 choices. This has worked well for both of us!!
Janie says
I married a Mexican and the wonderful thing about Mexican families/communities, is that everyone always chips in for the food. I didn’t have to think about it at all…20 ladies showed up with steaming vats of rice, beans and mole chicken and all the fixin’s. I definitely agree with using your resources if you have a big family or are marrying into one…after all, it IS a family event, and people love to share and feel like they are a part of something.
Also, we hired a new, fledgling photographer from Craigslist. She was just building a portfolio and needed the experience. She did the whole thing for free AND gave us the CD to keep, so we could get as many pictures as we wanted. She did a lovely job.
We made all the centerpieces and favors ourselves. I collected and bought about 400 cuttings of succulent and cactus plants and nutured them into sweet little potted plants (with pots purchased 4 for a dollar at the Dollar Tree) over the course of about 2-3 months and gave our guests nice little keepsakes they can keep for a long time. They were much cheaper than buying potted plants (or other kinds of favors, even) and much more memorable than candies or bubbles.
Jo says
We went from having nine months to plan our wedding to having six weeks (yay deployment!), and faced some pretty heavy resistance from my in-laws when it came to moving it up–really, that’s my biggest regret, but I know my MIL regrets it too and we’ve mostly made our peace with it (you know, forgiven each other, though the wounds are still healing). Not everyone was able to come (on BOTH sides–a whole chunk of my dad’s family was missing because they were literally going to Germany THAT DAY). But as I commented to my brand-new husband in the car that evening, people’s absence/bad attitudes didn’t detract from the perfectness of the day. It would have been all that MORE joyous if everyone had been on board, or able to come, but it wasn’t not joyous because of those things.
I wasn’t exactly privy to the budget because I was also having to do things like “keep my fiance updated while he’s in the field training” and “go pick him up when he got back and make a registry,” and because my mother is amazing, but we did a lot of things/had a lot of help that kept costs down. My priorities were delicious cake, dancing, and fun times with people I love/making sure they were all taken care of.
We had the reception at the church’s parish hall…yes, the wallpaper needs updating, but all we had to do was pay for the tablecloths. I completely lucked out because one of my aunts used to be a florist and also has this storage unit of…wedding…stuff. It’s like a reception hall in a storage unit. We exchanged emails about flowers (she sent pictures, I said “yes those are pretty”), and then she and my uncle and cousin threw everything in a couple of vans and hauled it up to my hometown. And she was really excited because a) she LOVES doing this kind of thing and b) for her daughter’s wedding, we spent a week ripping out and re-sewing the seams on 250 chair covers because they didn’t fit the reception hall chairs…and she was able to use them again at my wedding. I didn’t see the reception hall until we were announced and walking in, and I literally gasped–lots of people told my parents they hadn’t seen the parish hall look so beautiful, ever.
We also had a sort of bifurcated reception. The wedding was a two on a Saturday, and since my husband wasn’t Catholic at the time we just did a wedding liturgy, not a Mass. So I had the grand idea that we would go to the Saturday vigil Mass so that people who needed to get on the road Sunday wouldn’t have to worry about that. So the first half of our reception was from about three to four forty-five, and we had cake and tea sandwiches and punch and some dancing (the DJ was a local deacon/longtime friend of the family, so no worries about inappropriate music!), and then around five we trooped over to the church. Most of the local guests went home or to church, and most of the out-of-towners were Catholic and came to Mass–those that weren’t hung out in the parish hall with my non-Catholic relatives/went home to change into comfy clothes/etc. And then after Mass we went back to the parish hall and had food from a local Mexican restaurant for dinner, beer, and MORE DANCING. It was mostly extended family (minus the in-laws, who got funny about the whole Mass thing and went back to my parents-in-law’s place), might-as-well-be-family, and out-of-town friends at that point, and it was very casual and relaxed and awesome.
Also–this is a side note–but I’ve noticed that sit-down dinners with, like, seating charts and the like are a regional thing? I’ve never been to a Southern wedding with a seating chart, and I’ve only been to one where we were served individual plates. Most of the time it’s find-a-table and buffets of varying fanciness. Emphasis is usually on delicious food, not fancy food. (Lots of shrimp and grits.) Whereas the Midwest/Northeastern weddings I’ve gone to have been the more stereotypical late afternoon wedding + sit-down dinner variety. (I say stereotypical, but I grew up not understanding any pop culture references to seating charts at weddings, so there you go!) So we definitely lucked out in having a Southern wedding as far as people’s expectations go.