Dear Auntie Leila,
I'm a first time mother and my son is nearing is first birthday (!). Although this has been a fascinating year, it has also been incredibly challenging. I am what some may call a bit of a “control freak” and find assurance in routine and planning events.
But — motherhood, as you are well aware, does not and cannot necessarily go according to plan.
You have an excellent repertoire of books on motherhood. Can you recommend any to the control freak? For a mother who desperately wants to relax and be a little more willing to go with the flow?
Thank you very much,
Your faithful, frazzled reader, Evelyn.
Dear Evelyn,
I think you also need some role models somewhere.
Nothing like some real life to set you straight.
Are there mothers anywhere with a bunch of kids who you could hang out with? Do you know families who have older kids as well as toddlers? Could you identify someone having a non-first baby to whom you could bring a supper — and maybe observe how she does things?
Make it a priority to establish your own “little pocket” as we talked about last year. Look for ladies even more needy than yourself. But keep an eye out for those who can mentor you just a little, even if they don't realize that's what they are doing.
The LMLD library, insofar as it would be helpful, would include the Gesell books I recommended not long ago. I think that it's really important to know what the child can do and wants to do. Much of the panicked need to control the uncontrollable toddler comes about because we are flashing forward to our child as a 6 foot, 190 pound un-potty-trained grabber of oatmeal and puller downer/destroyer of random yet moderately precious objects.
It's a nightmare, but mostly of our own making.
The truth is that even moderate application of modest standards will eventually — note the emphasis — yield a tolerably civilized person.
If the LMLD library has a resource, it's the old-fashioned children's books: so often they depict children being taken care of in situations that are more in touch with the collective memory — we can glean the fallen tidbits where we find them. E. Nesbit and Laura Ingalls Wilder come to mind. Even reading about what the British nanny does in the nursery was helpful to me: “Oh, you can give him some bread and milk and put him to bed! Good to know!”
XOXO,
Disclosure: I am sure you know that we get a little something when you click through and buy at Amazon. This funds our own book-buying! Thank you!
Amy says
I am also a control freak and i was away from family when I had my children. I joined a mixed age playgroup where the moms were all different ages also. It was very helpful. Now 15 years later we are still good friends.
Amelia @ One Catholic Mama says
“Much of the panicked need to control the uncontrollable toddler comes about because we are flashing forward to our child as a 6 foot, 190 pound un-potty-trained grabber of oatmeal and puller downer/destroyer of random yet moderately precious objects.
It’s a nightmare, but mostly of our own making.
The truth is that even moderate application of modest standards will eventually — note the emphasis — yield a tolerably civilized person.”
I think this is the best child-raising advice I have ever heard when it comes to toddlers. It is so true.
I always say “better to try to control the enviroment than to control the kid”. So, toddler-proof everything and don’t worry so much. I have 4 kids….ranging in age from 18 months to 12 years. And, all those “behaviors” I worried about with my older kids when they were toddlers (waking up at night, hitting other kids, taking toys, potty-training, etc., etc.) It all resolved itself just fine and despire my bumbling my 12-year old is a perfecty, civilized, pleasant, happy, pre-teen.
Meredith_in_Aus says
A great collective memory book (that you can also read to your toddler!) is:
http://www.bookdepository.com/Eloise-Wilkin-Stories-Eloise-Wilkin/9780375829284
It’s a collection of books she illustrated. My favourites in the book are “We Help Mummy,” “Baby Dear,” “Baby Listens,” and “Baby Looks.”
Woman of the House says
I have that book and I love it. I agree! There’s a lot to be gleaned from the illustrations alone.
Mrs. C says
For those of us with control-freak tendencies, I’ve found that a certain natural flexibility is learned as your children grow and more children are added to the family. I found having my first child very challenging for someone who likes to make plans in advance, even if that plan is just to have dinner on the table by a certain time or to get some laundry done when baby is napping. Then when baby needs to eat at dinner prep time or takes a shorter nap than usual, it can be frustrating. I’ve learned to go ahead and make my plans but always have a plan B in your head and then when the original is disrupted, you won’t feel as much frustration. Think,” I’ll do A if such and such goes as planned, and I’ll do B, if for some reason A isn’t possible.”
It is very important to bring your expectations down to where they should be for the stage of life you are in. Learn to expect very little when you have a child under two and no older children over age 6 who can help. Having my youngest was a breeze and raising her was so much easier than when my oldest two were young. The baby didn’t need my constant attention with older siblings to keep her occupied. Also, learn to accept help when it’s offered. The young mama with littles under 5 needs as much as she can get.
Mrs. C
Rayna says
“For those of us with control-freak tendencies, I’ve found that a certain natural flexibility is learned as your children grow and more children are added to the family.” So well said!
Our first baby collided so strenuously with my well-ordered life that for two years I thought he’d be an only child. By the time the second baby came along, I learned that I had to start to let go, have a Plan B, and just sort of, well, surrender. Now with three, I can’t say that my perfectionistic/Type A tendencies have gone by the wayside, but I have learned to adapt. For example, I go with the flow when the kids are awake and with me and try to save all the projects that require longer periods of undisturbed attention for when they are sleeping.
I also remind myself that this is the season of my life. It is what it is, you know? With all the wonderment and frustrations!
Good luck to Evelyn!
lisa says
I must say, I completely agree with finding a real-life mother that you know is doing reasonably well (and, her children are doing well in a wide variety of situations, not just church on Sunday morning!) and spend time with her. Ask, ask, ask questions. You don’t have to do everything the exact same way she does, but a wise mother will share the “big picture” wisdom with you for child-training. As a mother of 5 (ages 10-1) these situations have proved invaluable in our family life, and have been not only beneficial to me but to my children (a wise, patient mother makes for wise, patient children).
And, I also agree with gleaning ideas from older children’s books. I am still surprised to be reminded that the needs and training of a 1-year-old are remarkably simple, although our current society would say otherwise.
Margaret says
If you feel like things are out of control with one baby, I would recommend…having more babies. Seriously, when I had one baby, questions like “What should we have for lunch?” “When should I do naps?” “What are we going to do for the next NINE HOURS?” Were overwhelming. Now, with my oldest in kindergarten and a fourth on the way, my day naturally settles into a regular routine. For instance, the older ones expect to come home from their half day of school, eat lunch, read stories, and then go to quiet time, so that’s what we all do. It’s so easy to let your first baby run your life, but once you establish a family culture with the older kids, the little ones will naturally fall into line.
Rozy says
This is so true!! I feel sorry for mothers of just one child, they never figure out how to relax and not get stressed over every little thing. Being an experienced mother is it’s own joy. I learned fairly early with our five children that I had to look at them as being on an 18-19 year training program and not expect them to be fully finished right now. We’ve launched three and find joy in seeing their success in the adult world.
When our children were young I asked an older, experienced mom what she would have done differently if she could. Her advice was to relax and make happy memories rather than try to be so controlling. Children are only young once and for such a short time (though as you go through a difficult stage it seems like an eternity) so make memories that will be happy and joyful as you look back.
Leila says
To be fair to dear Evelyn, her baby is only one! It’s a long time to go before she can reap the benefit of what many children can teach her, if that is indeed God’s will for her!
Nadege says
What are you knitting – looks pretty and interesting.
Leila says
Nadege, I hope to show you soon 🙂
Margo, Thrift at Home says
fantastic advice! So pragmatic and spelled out. It’s amazing how little some of us know 🙂 I still recall my panic when my first baby was napping – what do I DO with her when she wakes UP?!?
Kristen says
Dear Evelyn,
I have been thinking about your question and about Auntie Leila’s response. I now have two children, but when it was just me and our first little one, I found this very helpful:
http://www.ncregister.com/blog/simcha-fisher/to-the-mother-with-only-one-child
Recently, I have also been reading “Into Your Hands, Father” by Wilfrid Stinissen. It has been good to read little bits and pieces as I continue to try to let go a bit more.
As other commenters have suggested, having more children will inevitably help a mama let go of her need to control. (Mine are both still young so I am still trying to let go more and more.) That’s not to say you should have another child just to help you let go, but to the extent you may be scared about adding another to your clan, be not afraid! God will bless you for your generosity. And a sibling, next to a good marriage, is the best gift that you can give to your first child.
Kelsey says
Thank you for this. My only child (so far) is almost eight months old, and I’ve already learned so much about not stressing over everything the way I used to… of course, any time something new comes up, I feel that panic. The most recent example is getting her to nap in her crib. She was used to sleeping in our bed, but once she became really mobile that was no longer safe for naps. I was at a complete loss for how to get her in her crib – I read countless pages of advice on sleep-training, most of which I disagreed with on a gut level – I discussed techniques with my husband – I fretted to the extreme. I felt like someone had asked me to build the space shuttle; I was totally inadequate to the task! Then, one day, after nursing her to sleep, I gently slipped my daughter into her crib. And she snuggled up and took a beautiful nap. It was so simple! A great lesson to me.
Lynn says
Auntie Lelia, you make me giggle. Thanks! You have no idea (or maybe you do?) of how many people you are mentoring online. I do have a “pocket” but no mentors in this place (husband in grad school, so we are far from home) and I appreciate you so much.
Kari says
I had no idea what a control freak I was until I had a baby, and then another, and then another. Now I am well aware that God is using my kids to show me how sinful I really am. Unfortunately, until recently, it hasn’t helped me rid myself of my control-freakish ways, it’s only made me more angry at why the world doesn’t work the way I want it to. Oh yes, I’m selfish too… But, I’m working on my anger management skills, and my skills at being a manager (regardless of the fact that my “employees” are 6, 3, and 1), and reminding myself every day that no matter how hard I try to control the outcome, my kiddos will Never, Ever, be perfect. They are sinful just like me, and I have to raise them, under God, unto Jesus, as best I can. I have to honor Jesus with my behavior and not worry about the outcome of their behavior, but that’s a hard balance. And I hope I remember this tomorrow! 🙂
Virginia says
There’s a friendly older mom with several well-adjusted children at church who I think I’ll invite over for coffee. Thanks for the advice! I often feel guilty about not being as focused on my baby now as I was on her sister (now a toddler) when she was a baby. Really, the only time I’m a hundred-percent focused on her is when she wakes up in the middle of the night to nurse and then she just wants to talk : ) It’s like she knows that’s her time!
Evelyn L says
Just a quick thanks for posting the question and all the corresponding responses. I appreciate all the encouragement, suggestions and reminders that I am definitely not alone !
Ashley says
My baby is also nearing the one year mark, and this has definitely been something that I struggle with as well. It’s always nice to know that you’re not alone.
I also tend to struggle with how to fill our days. I’m getting better and better at keeping us all clothed and fed, but I always wonder if I’m doing enough with the baby. There is a part of me that feels like I need to have some perfect little Montessori set-up for her, and then I feel like I’m failing because I don’t have anything even close. Am I supposed to play with her all day or is she fine entertaining herself? I feel like I should know these things but I don’t. I’ll have to read a few of the books you mentioned and see if that helps.