Finally, Lent is nigh.
Some years you get used to Lent starting right after Christmas and then, one year, it seems never to come. Sneaky, sneaky Lent. I actually had a little panic last Tuesday when I thought that Ash Wednesday must be the next day. Phew, no, I could put off dealing with the spiritual crud for one more week.
Well, get ready. That week is here.
Far be it from me to tell you what to do, and also I have a lot of things I'm already telling you, like how to deal with your teenage girls (soon!), how to finish cleaning the kitchen (soon!), and what it means to be a woman (last Lent, but still working on it), but there are a couple of things maybe we could talk about.
You know how you really love making things, and will neglect even the most basic responsibilities to fashion, say, knitting needles or dish mats? And you know how you love when your kids make things, and have a walk-in closet full of supplies for every known craft from stamping to wood-burning? You know how you jump to assure others that homeschooling does not mean “crafts with kids” to you, and they give you that blank look? Like, “You?”
Yes, you are so crafty. But you are not that fond of “activity” crafts, right? You know how you have every intention of getting your kids to do projects in religion, but then things fizzle out and you just take a nap? You know how bad you are at praising God with a paper plate?
But, enough about me.
Well, what if it's actually okay not to stress out about finding things for your kids to do for liturgical seasons?
Here's the thing. I'm almost embarrassed to discuss these thoughts with you. I am aware of being seriously outclassed here. I know what kinds of things are proposed….
Yet, I think that well meaning parents, especially the intense homeschooling kind — but really the intense any kind at all — tend to feel that if they are not actively teaching their children something, the children aren't learning it. These parents are results-oriented, and they unintentionally violate my second rule of parenting (“Don't seek affirmation from your children”) because they don't quite understand it.
They think I mean (I mean if they've ever heard of me and my rules, which is doubtful), “Go ahead and make your kids mad” but that isn't it. That's more Tiger Mother stuff, and we don't really believe in that. What I mean is more like “Don't expect obvious results right away; in fact, get used to plowing ahead with your simple vision and seeing no outcome whatsoever.”
Very much in line with this no-affirmation approach (which, by the way, fits in neatly with a lazy reluctance to drag out crafting supplies for which the mess-to-learning ratio is far too high) is my advice about liturgical seasons. Which is this:
Try living them.
Instead of setting out to teach your children about Lent, just try living Lent. I mean, I'm only saying this if you are a little overwhelmed and in the dark about what to do. If you have a really great plan in place, don't let me interfere!
In the few hours left to you, gather everyone together (preferably during dinner, and preferably let your husband gather everyone) and have a big discussion of what you will give up as a family these forty days. The usual things are TV/movies/video games during the week, sweets, ice cream (gah), and snacking, although go easy on that last one with growing children who seem on the skinny side.
But choose your own thing to do as a family. I know that you could go to other, better, more organized blogs and there you would get better ideas. I'm only telling you what large Catholic families whose moms are hanging on by a thread do. They give up TV and sweets. And it is really, really hard.
In recent years we have made a special effort to give the money we save to a local charity, because, to be honest, you don't save all that much by not eating sweets, and a family in your town whose child is battling cancer will likely have more use for your $48.65 than the Red Cross. I think it's good to make something in your community a priority occasionally. Put a jar in the center of the table and put the cash in there, along with any spare change that you run across.
When the kids were little, we often agreed during Lent to work on getting things cleaned up cheerfully for when Papa came home. That was one big Lenten sacrifice. Do you know how much easier it is to do a chore when it's for someone you love whom you're excited to see? Do you know how much children love to see their mother wanting to do something for their father?
That is what Lent is for: to work on virtue, especially the virtue of love.
Also, take a few moments to speak to each child alone about what virtue he could work on. Do you realize that you and your husband are your children's spiritual directors? It's true. You are there with the grace of God gently to guide them with your wisdom, even if you don't feel that wise. So it's a learning experience for you — to be approached with humility. Guide them with little steps to do a little better, with the help of the Lord, working on one thing — answering nicely, prompt obedience, watching out for a younger sibling, doing things without being told (take care to encourage with this last one, especially, as it's easy to take the effort that goes into it for granted).
As you do this, you also learn a lot about how the Father works with us, one little step after the other, often using a time set apart to do His work…
Many parishes make it easier to get to Mass during Lent, which almost seems counter-intuitive. It's far more important to put your energy into getting everyone to Mass than into extra activities. Mass, Stations of the Cross — these are the things our children will remember. This is what the Church wants us to do. I mean, if you want to.
And then, you know, as you quietly go about your devotions with your family, and your extra sacrifices, if the children take out the colored pencils and start drawing, well, that's wonderful, isn't it?
Here are some past posts on Lent that you might enjoy:
Why Liturgical Seasons make sense, and the biblical reasons behind Lent.
Sara says
Good post; I like it simpler, too! Thanks for the gratuitous baby pics—he's so beautiful!
Catherine says
Thanks Leila. I really enjoyed your post, especially as I am trying to think of ways to incorporate Lent into our family but to realize that living it out is incorporating it is a beautiful insight. I sometimes do look at other blogs and see how they have a fun Catholic craft for everyday and think, “wow, I stink, why can't I do that?” But realize perhaps that we are not all called to make rosaries out of pipe cleaner and pony beads (tried that one and kids loved it for about ten minutes and then went on to something else). Simple is best. Thank you for the reminder!
Lisa G. says
You know, Leila – I don't have children, but that's exactly what I felt I was being led to – to just be kinder, more patient, etc.
I also find it very interesting that you have pictures of somebody being washed clean, where you're talking about the beginnings of Lent.
amy says
Thank you ! I remember going to Catholic school growing up and doing a thousand things associated with Lent. My kids do not go to Catholic school so I worry are they learning? Then you remind to LIVE Lent. Oh yeah. That is a great idea! Simple things are good. Learning virtues..yes! Thank you for the lovely reminder.
Amy
CarlynB says
Thanks for this post! I love the pictures of your grandbaby. He's adorable.
Grace says
Simple is best for us. Others see our plans/preparations and think, “I could never do all that.” My response is that I have taken ideas from others, tested them in our family, and seen if they stick. Their enthusiasm is what makes our traditions. What we do is a compilation of years of things so that we are more easily living our Lent rather than checking things off. That only comes with time.:) Thanks for the beautiful post and the yummy pictures!;) Rub a dub, dub…come play in the….sink!
Mamabear says
Thank you for the great advice, though it was almost lost on me in the midst of the gorgeous baby! I am SO SO ready for Lent, I posted our “game plan” on the fridge 2 weeks ago! I dutifully ate up all of the chocolate yesterday.
We need your voice of reason! I was starting to feel like the only Catholic mom in the universe that wasn't doing the “bury the alleluia” craft.”
Rachel says
I love what you said about working on virtue. Yes sacrificing the ice cream is good for our soul too, but using Lent to work on virtues like having the house clean for when your husband gets home is brilliant. I am just 2 months married, so no children yet, but I am definitely going to work on having the house tidy and dinner ready when my husband gets home from work. I love that idea because not only is it a sacrifice for me to tear myself away from whatever I'm doing to prepare for my husbands return, but it will also strengthen our relationship. Thank you for your awesome post! Love your blog!
priest's wife says
Thanks for the reminder- we are the kids' spiritual directors! I had better act like one
Kate says
I'm a crafty person, but I don't like/have time for crafts with the kids. I don't like twaddly crafts either. If other people want to use paper plates, pipe cleaners, colored macaroni and lots of glitter that's fine, but I want something in my house that's useful and/or beautiful. I think the kids do too (or maybe it's just wishful thinking). So our Lent consists in trying to live the liturgical life in our home. We add Lenten hymns to our morning and evening prayers. After morning prayers I read aloud the from Pius Parsch's “Year of Grace”, the lenten volume and book of Lenten Meditations I found specifically written for children (I think it's by the same author who wrote “Christopher's Talks to Catholic Children.”). We give up sweets, etc and try to go to mass more often and stations weekly at the parish. And the kids get “the talk” about prayer, fasting and almsgiving. The only thing that I'd like to do, that I haven't done yet, is figure out some kind of candle wreath (like the Advent wreath) to mark the seven weeks of Lent.
Camille says
Such a fabulous post! There are so many things I know simply from the fact that my family growing up just simply DID them. And your suggestion to pick up before Daddy gets home is just fantastic. Perfect for my little ones!
Meg says
I have a request for a “wedding on a budget” post. I am planning my own, and love the pictures of Rosie's wedding and your style in general! Thank you very much for your consideration – I hope you have a blessed Lent.
God bless,
Meg
Rosie says
Dear Meg,
I'm not ignoring you! I've been thinking about what we did, and am planning a post on this topic soon. In the meantime, if you have any questions about particulars from the pictures or anything, feel free to email me at rosielawler at gmail (dot) com.
Best wishes for a happy (and quick!) engagement!
Meg says
Thank you very much, Rosie! I really hope I wasn't being a pest — I know that I had commented on an old post but I didn't know if you see the comments on old posts. I am so inspired by your wedding photos (I love your dress and flowers!) and your general sense of style here at LMLD. I hope you have a blessed Lent and are enjoying your sweet baby!
margo says
oh the precious baby – what sweet sweet photos. That boy knows who loves him and he is loving back!
Yes, I did attend to the rest of the post too. It was a GOOD one too – full of things to think about. I needed to be reminded that my husband and I are spiritual directors.
I usually think the mess-to-learning ratio is way off. I try to avoid messes.
Lisa says
Tonight with our German Puff Pancake dinner, our family will be discussing Lent, and virtue. This family needs some cleaning up! Hello Lent!
OH! Did anyone notice the pool of water in baby's belly-button? (my husband says I should have been a film director). Too cute.
Lisa says
I'm adding on here, myself. Not sure why the negative thumb. Ummmm, I meant that MY family needs some cleaning up, was that the confusion? Gheeze, not sure how this could be read negatively. Otherwise, the water in the belly-button is adorable….that's all. 🙂 I thought it was cute.
_Leila says
Hmmm…I don't know who did that but they are dumb. I removed it 🙂 I noticed the water in his belly button and thought it was most artistic if I say so myself 😉
Mamabear says
I was going to reply to someone (positively, of course, agreeing, actually) earlier today and was having trouble with the reply box. I noticed it checked the thumbs up for that person. Maybe someone had a same experience on your comment but it checked thumbs down instead. I can't imagine these readers being ugly. Just a thought!
convertingheart says
You always manage to help me calm down and focus! Thank you, dear Leila.
And, you are seriously giving me baby lust. Baby baths in the sink – oh my!!!!
Joy says
He is the cutest! And how he loves his mama.
We're Protestant but I've always tried to make Lent a time for extra prayer and thought about Christ. We have given things up before but it has been a few years since I've been so disciplined. I like the idea about acquiring a virtue though. I think I'm going to talk to each of my boys about that idea and also talk to myself. Thank you.
Amy says
It's been so long since I gave anything up for lent. I really should start thinking about doing something for lent this year since it starts tomorrow. With the kids getting older, I think it is time to start thinking about traditions that I want to have with them! thanks you for reminding me!
JoAnna says
He is adorable! Sorry to say Leila that I am giving up blogs/internet for lent! I have found that I spend far too much time on the computer and it is not always productive. See you in 40 days.
Anne says
Oh my, look at the way he is looking at you, Rosie! That boy loves you!
I read once that babies can't love, that they are manipulative and figure out what facial expressions please their caretakers and thus get them the most of what they want, attention, food, etc. Isn't that the most terrible thing you've ever heard? How can people say that about a BABY. They clearly don't know any babies. At least not any good ones. 😉
Rosie says
I agree – those people are cynical and dumb! Clearly my baby loves me, just like I love him!
Your story reminds me of the one problematic nurse we ran into in the hospital, who when I (proudly) told her that my baby was wanting to nurse all the time, told me and my husband that babies quickly learn to control their parents. He wasn't even 24 hours old yet!
Sarah says
Cute baby alert! Is it sinful to covet another's baby the night before Ash Wednesday, I wonder? 😉
Thank you thank you thank you for another brilliant post that puts my heart and mind at ease. This is why I love your blog so much- because I know that what I'll get here is REAL, PRACTICAL, FAITHFUL advice that will help me live out my faith without getting in a tizzy.
Blessings on your Lent, Leila (and Rosie! Blessings on yours too! And I want to kiss your baby!!!).
Jen says
What a sweet reminder that my boys are still learning even if I'm not “teaching”…thanks for helping me relax.. and my kids thank you too!
Jamie says
I have enjoyed reading your blog for almost a year now. Your words of wisdom and the voice of experience which you have are reasons to read. Your post on Mothering a 13-year old Boy is the best on the subject which I have ever read. And so very timely–my son is 13 and his brother is 11. They both will benefit from your words. Thank you ever so much. Frankly, you have given them a better mother in this stage of their life-I was secretly in despair!
Liz says
Great post! I appreciate the affirmation that I am still a good mother even if I don't cover my house in colored sparkles and tissue paper! Your grandson is so cute! Congratulations!
I just received this great email from a friend about a Lenten tradition at her house. She calls it “Forty bags in forty days”. The goal is to get 1 bag (they can be little like a ziplok or as big as a garbage bag) out each day. By clearing out the clutter (both physically and mentally) we prepare our homes for Easter visitors and our hearts to receive the Lord. It's an exercise in living simply, which I can surely use! Blessed Lent to everyone!
Carrien says
I do plan on reading with my kids particular passages. But I”m not big on the mess of crafts either.
I forgot that you were working on what it means to be a woman. Maybe you would be interested in the post I wrote yesterday for IWD.
Ann Marie says
Ok….that is one seriously cute little boy!
(and a good post too)
Carlie says
Such a sweet, sweet baby! *melt melt melt* There is nothing better than sink baths.
Thank you so much for that mother-clarity about Lent and sacrifice. I have been so puzzled trying to figure out what what to sacrifice and the suggestion to resolve to have the house in order and sweet for Daddy's homecoming is a good one. A sacrifice for sure but one that says love. Thank you.
LJ :) says
Yay! “What it means to be a woman” makes a comeback! Please talk about this more or less forever… it's such a problem, and there's so little discussion, and even less understanding!!!!
Allie says
I just wanted to say thank you for this post. It really touched my heart and it is what I was needing to hear(read) today.
I just realized while reading your post that I have been putting a lot of unneccessary weight upon my shoulders and I need to just take it off and truly live and be grateful for these moments I have been given with my husband and 4 boys. So thank you, Leila for your wisdom and your common sense, motherly, Catholic approach and advice.
May God bless you and your family this Lent and always!
Also your grandbaby is just beautiful! What a blessing he is- thank you for sharing!!!
nt12many says
Leila,
I am giving two workshops tomorrow and in one I am talking about all the things our children learn from us as we are busy worry and striving to give them “formal” education. My purpose is to encourage parents to look at what they are living in front of each other, to be encouraged that the children are absorbing so much because families are important! Your post was confirmation of that.
We are Protestants but do live out the Lenten season and tonight around the dinner table my husband asked each child what they were giving up and our nine year old looked quite blank and said, “Give UP?” in an appalled voice. It was humorous but a reminder to me that perhaps I'd better take her aside and be her “spiritual director” as you so well put it.
Thank you,
Jill Farris ” target=”_blank”> ” target=”_blank”>http://www.generationalwomanhood.wordpress.com ” target=”_blank”> ” target=”_blank”>http://www.jillcampbellfarris.com
Betsy M says
Leila,
As always, what a great post. I just happened to catch your husband's interview on EWTN last night and just had to stop in to say two things. First off how informative that was – I have a hard time reading about the church scandals (gives me sour stomach) and thus do not keep as welll informed as I should. But secondly, aww what a great guy. I caught that line about him being married to “the ideal woman”, were those his words I think? I guess that may be why us ladies love to hear your advice on matters! 🙂 Have a Blessed Lenten season.
Oh, and your little grandson is adorable!!!
_Leila says
Thanks, Betsy! I think he did so well, and I was surprised by his little tribute! That was so sweet and made me blush. He just says nice stuff about me but I don't think it's really true 😉
Ei & Rich says
Okay. I did read it all, and it was lovely, but that baby was mesmerizing!!!!!
How do you possibly get ANYTHING done?!!!!
More baby, more baby, more baby photos!!! (Can you do video too?)
Annie says
I don't know who is more beautiful: the mama or the baby–both!
Reading this after the fourth Sunday of Lent, I have to say thanks for such a great post for those of us who are plodders.
Lent always winds up being obnoxiously busy for our family–5 of our 9 kids have birthdays between March 28 and May 14, our middle and high school kids are busy with state band practice/competition and track, and the natural progression of spring sacraments in a large family–first communions and confirmations make it an intensely busy, but happy time. Sacrifices always fit in. Alms giving always fits in. The hardest part is fitting in extra prayer time–but it is worth it–no mess and it is effective.
Gardenia says
this is a refreshing beautiful post, Leila. thank you for this thoughtful instructive read, on this eve of Lent, 2012.