I was talking to my friend Auntie Sue the other day, and she was wondering what it is about younger moms that makes them want to listen to us.
As she said, it's not that we are so great at what we do.
“No,” says I. “It's just this: we've lived through a bunch of stuff.”
Just surviving intact means so much in this life of ours.
Have you ever heard of this virtue…longanimity?
Dear friends, this is our virtue! February itself is a sure sign from the good Lord that we are meant to grow and embrace it with all our hearts.
That innocent and holy matron had rather go clad in the
snowy white robes of meekness and longanimity, than in the
purple mantle of blood.
It's human nature to be more than halfway through a project (such as the homeschool year) and be assailed with dryness, doubts, and, yes, let's admit it, despair. You know what I'm talking about.
What can I offer you as you wrestle with the growing certainty that you should have put the kids in school long ago?
I offer you this: the sure knowledge that it's the same in school. Any teacher will tell you: everyone feels the same way: tired of walking on sand tracked in from the snowy driveway, sick– and sick of being sick, quite sure you're getting nowhere with school subjects, and, worst of all,
So turn up the volume, sing along with the kids, and then let's get down to the nitty-gritty.
Remember why you are doing this in the first place?
I do it because I believe that children need order and wonder.
No one really knows how children learn. But it seems to me that our family needs to be a place where a child can be sure not only what their own place is but also what can be reasonably expected of him — in large part because we, the parents, have confidence in what our part is and that we can provide this framework.
That's the order.
Then, the mysteries of life — intellectual, spiritual, and artistic — will unfold themselves to them, according to their abilities and openness.
And that's the wonder.
Don't expect affirmation from them along the way. Just have confidence in your goals — order and wonder — and the means you use to get there. Even if you really aren't sure about either, because let me tell you, it's a learning process!
Longanimity.
I answer that, Just as by magnanimity a man has a mind to tend to great things, so by longanimity a man has a mind to tend to something a long way off. Wherefore as magnanimity regards hope, which tends to good, rather than daring, fear, or sorrow, which have evil as their object, so also does longanimity. Hence longanimity has more in common with magnanimity than with patience.
That's from Aquinas, Summa Theologica, Second Part of the Second Part, Question 136, Article 5 — and I bet you never thought you'd get Muppets Treasure Island and St. Thomas in the same blog post, but that's how my mind works.
February is a good time to clean out bookcases and craft shelves, on the principle that what your children won't pay the slightest bit of attention to when you carefully offer it to them with nods and smiles, they will devour if they “discover” it on their own.
No one is more disposed to read a book than when they are organizing the books, and nothing is more appealing than a bunch of craft materials being straightened up in the cabinet!
I don't pretend to understand it, but ask a child to take everything off his school shelf in order to rearrange it, and you will soon find him engrossed in things you despaired of ever getting him to glance at.
Now is the time to go back to your original thoughts about this year.
Did you hope that your child would learn to enjoy a chapter book? Then why are you fretting about goals you never even set yourself, but maybe overheard some other moms discussing?
Do you know this syndrome?
Rather than reinvigorated by the recent homeschooling group meeting, you found yourself thrown into a panic by someone's mention of their Extra-Zowie Laminated Ancient Greece Unit Study or their Curriculum Packet of Supersonic Inter-Galactic Genius-Makers.
Even supposedly classical study methods can have this effect on us. Suddenly it doesn't seem so great that we are reading some poems at bedtime, because we don't seem to have the bells and whistles we keep hearing about!
But you know what? If we go by the intelligent people in history, we should rather come to the conclusion that the best thing we could do for our children is make them spend all day hunting and chopping wood (Lincoln), or maybe subject them to outright abuse (Franklin), or maybe just settle for “a difficult struggle to get ahead in life” (Marie Curie).
We just don't know. So spend this February doing what you think best. Learn some folk tunes. Insist that they do their math first (or let them do it last for a while if that helps). Remember that you meant to read out loud every day from a book that's just a little bit above them. Go to the library and get out a bagful of the oldest-looking books there. Make a lapbook. Bundle everyone up and see if the willows have started sprouting. Get out a book on drawing in perspective.
As for me, I'll try to tidy things up, get outdoors more, and get ready for Lent, which begins on the 17th. Before you know it, spring will be here. Longanimity…
Go visit Sarah at Amongst Lovely Things for more posts about avoiding the February blues!
scmom (Barbara) says
Dearest Leila,
You are more the age of my sister (if I had one!) than my auntie, but you are still far more wise! And I already have the blues. I think I started the year with them…oh, boy!
Sue says
Whew! You caught me just in time – just barely pre-blues. Thank you, Auntie Leila!
mamalion says
Lovely post. A friend recommended your blog, and I’ve enjoyed poking around this weekend. And I have come to the realization just this past week or so that I do need to go back to what I know works. I got concerned that my kids weren’t getting X because we don’t school in a structured manner, so I tried to teach with structure this year. And it’s been horrible. My kids look at me and beg, ‘Mom, I just want to read!’ Right. What has worked for 13 years? Reading. Back to the basics for us…
LLMom says
I think I will try cleaning out and rearranging the craft cabinent. What a great idea.
Anonymous says
Speaking of ‘blues’, do you have any suggestions to boost the confidence of a darling husband? What wifely things contribute to encourage and strengthen our beloved? (Sorry have to remain anonymous this time, seeing I’m talking about the health of someone else.) 🙂
Thanks for your posts!!!
Leila says
Dear Anonymous,
I have to say that my husband is the one who boosts my confidence, so I don’t know how much I have to offer here…I’m basically a big baby.
But I do notice that sometimes he is tired and that makes him a bit down. If I make sure that supper is ready a bit earlier (a real challenge for me!), that makes bedtime earlier too.
I think what drains men is the thought that they have let their family down. So let’s make sure that when he looks around there are hopeful signs, not piles of laundry and a wife who hasn’t changed out of sweats in days.
Anyone else have any thoughts to help dear Anonymous?
Lindsay says
Thank you for the beautiful bits of wisdom you offer! Cleaning out the bookshelves was on my list for last week, but got left undone I think I will do it today!
MsMarla says
I have just found your blog and am enjoying it very much!
I really like this idea about organizing the school shelves. You must know my children. They are just that way.
As for anonymous–I see my husband getting a bit down when he doesn’t feel as if he is accomplishing anything. That is my cue to make sure I have things in order when he gets home to free him up to work on a project of his own. He is wonderful to help me around the house, but it starts to drag on him after a while if he is coming home every night to helping in the kitchen or picking up the house, or chasing the baby so I can have a “break”.
P.J. says
Thank you for following your heart and blogging. We are all the better for it.
Woman of the House says
Great post, Leila! I think it’s a Titus 2 thing that the younger women look to the older.
To Anonymous~I think it helps a lot if a wife is careful not to pull the rug out from under her husband’s feet when he has a project going, a new idea he wants to try out, etc. If your husband wants to try something new, respond positively and don’t say things like, “That’ll never work,” or “You’ve got to be kidding,” or “What do you know about _____?” Don’t undermine him, but do all you can to help him succeed. Expressing confidence in your husband is one of the very best things you can do for him.
Emily says
Leila, thank you for all the wise counsel in your post. You’re so right about the organizing; my daughter reacts to a book that has been on the shelf (untouched) for years as though it’s a brand new find! What an ingenious plot. 🙂
To Anonymous,
Speaking from experience here as we are in a bit of a shadowy valley at the moment. I find that letting my husband know that I am praying for him – and doing it!! – is a soothing balm to his spirit. Keeping an orderly home, offering help, staying on top of laundry so he has a steady supply of clean underwear and socks, meals on time (or even early as Leila suggested), just being available…all little things that contribute to his peace of mind. Not pestering or complaining about things that need doing around the house. Staying cheerful and optimistic. Remember that we ladies are the governesses of attitudes within our homes; ours can define the atmosphere for everyone around us, not just our husbands. But that’s another topic!
liz says
I love that muppet movie! And it was a timely post for me! i just finished blogging about the craziness here today…Thanks for the uplifting- I needed it:)
Anonymous says
Dear annonymous,
i’m staying annonymous too, since my advice comes from personal experience. My husband gets down a lot and I have slowly figured out that it is usually because he is being really hard on himself, expecting more of himself than is reasonable and being disapointed in himself for things that couldn’t possible be seen as his fault (except by a crabby wife, woops). So, when my husband is down I try really hard to do these things:
1. not take it personally and not let it get me down. this is HARD. more praying would probably help.
2. make him a nice dinner, his favorite cookies, a good lunch for work, etc and keep things organized around the house and not let the toddler yell at him too much, you know, in the way tired toddlers are apt to yell at tired daddies who’ve just walked in the door and don’t feel like playing yet.
3. not mention ANYTHING with which I am dissatisfied. For example, the drier that’s not working, the new light fixture that I’d like, how I want the guest room painted, how my clothes don’t fit, how I’m tired, etc. because even if I don’t mean these things as burdens or failings of his, he will find a way to interpret it that way, because as he sees it, it all comes down to A. him not being organized enough and getting enough done and/or B. him not making enough money.
4. complimenting him on how manly and handsome he is, what a good father he is and what a good husband he is and telling him how lucky I am. Being specific here is good too. So, not just, “you’re the best” (though that’s good too) but “wow, you are so good at …(insert appropriate thing here), I don’t know how you keep up with it all. Thanks so much for taking care of that for us.”
5. “counting my blessings” outloud, for example, “thank you for providing us with this wonderful house to live in. Aren’t we so blessed? A good home, a good family, a loving marriage, yadda, yadda, yadda. 🙂
Sometimes my husbands blues go on a little longer than I can stand and then I will take a different tone, one more of fraternal correction, like “hey, snap out of it and quit feeling sorry for yourself, you’re making life much harder than it needs to be.” This, of course is a last resort, and one which…well, it’s hard to deliver kindly instead of frustrated and angry.
I hope this helps. God Bless you!
Anonymous says
Dear Leila and Ladies,
Thank you so very much for your wonderful suggestions for encouraging a husband. Thank you all for being such a great help. I’m very touched by your willingness to share this information.
Mrs Bossy says
to ‘blues’
In addition to everyone else’s suggestions … Send the kids to mom’s, or to bed early and give him your undivided attention. When life gets too unbearable for either of us, we take a break, and close the world out for 24 hours. When we were particularly young and broke, I kidnapped him after work, and took him camping for the night. He was shocked & delighted. Grandma & pop had a fun overnight with the kids, and we got to just be ‘free.’
sue says
Auntie Sue Weighs In,
I as ALWAYS love Leila’s post. So timely for me.
I want to speak to Anonymous’ question. I think a lot of men are having a hard time right now because of the economy. There are so many stresses on a husband who is the sole breadwinner. My advice is the same as nearly everyone on here, the gist of which is for you to concentrate on growing in your own virtue. But don’t be disheartened if that doesn’t bring him out of his funk. Listen kindly and encourage him and don’t take it personally. If he loses his temper, it’s best to BITE your tongue and perhaps quietly walk into another room. Let him vent by himself. It will help if you keep your sense of humor and try not to let him get you down. Encourage him to do something he enjoys -like go fishing. (By himself, he doesn’t always have to take your four year old) And whatever you do. DON’T tell him to get over it or to count his blessings. Let one of his friends or perhaps even his mother do it. But not you. You aren’t alone. My DH has had ONE bad year and it keeps getting worse. Thankfully he describes our home as his “Safe Haven”. Back to the bookshelves.
Anne says
Dear Auntie Leila,
Would you please adopt me?
Love,
Anne
P.S. You really need to put all your housekeeping tips in a book. I’ll buy one for every married woman I know. It could also count as Home Ec credit for homeschoolers, no?
Nancy P. says
Thank you for this post! What a great reminder to hang in there. February’s the shortest month for a reason, I think.
Anonymous says
Once again thank you ladies for your suggestions. Your ideas are very helpful and your kindness in sharing has really bolstered me. (What a privilege we have, to be a support to our dear husbands.) Thank you.
*Michigan Momma* says
I just can’t help recommending your blog to others ~ I just linked to you on my latest post ~ I do not have many friends here “a bit older, a bit wiser”….homeschooling, staying at home, raising many lil’ ones, etc. So sometimes you are that voice of reason that I really need to hear. Thank you so much for your willingness to share!
God Bless~
Melissa says
Brilliant, as always, Leila! I LOVE longanimity. A perfectly beautiful concept all wrapped up in a new word. Thank you for taking time to write and encourage us. Also love the eye candy/cozy corner pictures interspersed in the text. lovely. Blessings to you.
Melissa says
p.s. I should say, ‘new word’ *to me*. It’s been around a long time. 🙂 now a new favorite.
Faith says
I love it! How did you know I needed to clean up my cra- I mean craft stuff? I recently had a very enlightened priest in the confessional tell me to never raise my voice at my husband, even slightly. Heh? He also said that I am the manager of my home- of ev.ery.thing! Talk about convicted. I'll need longanimity for that!
Ellen says
I just discovered your blog (or maybe I've visited before and don't remember?). Order & Wonder. I like that, especially as I seem to be in the throes of homeschooling burnout. Thank you for your post. I'll be back to wander about.