Do you mind more photos, from a different angle, of the sewing room? It's where I've been holed up! And I cannot, of course, show you any pictures of the actual things I'm working on…
Why does crafting inspiration only strike for me after Thanksgiving? I blame creative tardiness partially on the mild Fall we had, pulling me into the garden rather than the sewing room. All summer I could not concentrate much on knitting, nor did I have any thoughts about projects.
Now, with little time left, I'm brimming over with ideas, and my newish crafting room (still in progress, awaiting a wooden table to replace that temporary one, among other things) is brimming over with the detritus!
A good reason to celebrate all 12 Days of Christmas and leave grandparent gifts for Epiphany (see my link below on the ways to live the season of Christmas!).
We had a lovely day and weekend, though, despite the sickness. John Folley was taking the photo so he's not in it, but it captures a little of our joy!
(By the way, that gorgeous painting is by him, a gift to us. Consider purchasing and sponsoring and sharing real art this holiday season and beyond. And consider subscribing to John's email in that link for an update, coming soon I'm sure, that will feature a positively stunning portrait I caught a glimpse of recently of a dear friend. Since I know her, I can tell you that her spirit comes through this art; it's not only a beautiful portrait — it's a true one.)
I also need to put my thrifted pressure canner (yay!) into action, and put up all this turkey broth, as there is no room in my freezer whatsoever for any of it!
My new podcast episode can be found here, answering the question of how we can do better with teen culture. Even in the most family-oriented, homeschooling circles, people somehow revert to the norm of catering to teens in a worldly way.
It's an impulse that comes over us all; I understand it. I can remember being in Toys R Us (remember that godforsaken place?) for some reason, right before Christmas, when my first was about two. I was overcome by an almost overwhelming urge to buy everything for him! I knew that was not a good idea (even if I could afford it)! But I wanted to!
There's something quite normal in a parent rushing to give a child what he wants — or thinks he wants –even against the understanding that it might not be good for him. We almost can't help it sometimes — there are many cases where I succumbed, that's for sure.
Call it the undirected generosity of natural love. Fulfillment seems to manifest in handy cultural forms — great blobs of desire turning ineluctably towards warm, encompassing, rolling fogs of satisfaction that beckon us to submit, to open ourselves with the relief of passivity. It would all be so easy.
We strive when our children are very young to monitor every sugary treat and to guard them from invasive influences. But then in that second decade, when they are teens, we are tired; we start to question the possibility of resisting and are tempted by a life where we can just be parents of teens, and not keep up the responsibility anymore for guiding them, That word, teen, in itself, contains a vast implication of a release from the unpleasantness of bearing the brunt of their attitude. Can you hear the siren call of the world, to just let others take over and do to them… whatever it is that is done to teens… that was done to us too… that has not worked out well. The culture that wants our young people for its own, because it has given up on natural reproduction, yet all things, even cancer, do seek to reproduce, if only in an opportunistic way.
“I have a teenager now, so of course I had to drop them off at the mall… ”
“We watched a movie… I didn't love the overall message but the kids liked it and it was cute… ”
“I took them to a concert, dropped them off, hope they have fun!”
The point isn't to shelter our littles and then release them into the popular culture. It's to recover, even if only in a second-hand memory, and create, organically and calmly, a real culture, one not based on what has been packaged up for us by entities we have not fully examined, yet unthinkingly follow. But this takes bravery.
(Do teens have to go to the mall? I wouldn't totally object if there were something to buy at the mall, but (although I haven't been there in ages myself) it seems as if there really isn't anything worth the price. If most things there are tawdry, made of poor quality materials, ugly, expensive, and “made by slaves” as my mother used to put it, then that should tell us something. I wish I could share what going “downtown” in New Haven, CT, in the 60s was like, with storefronts decorated by the owners with bright and charming scenes, including vast and involved crêches. It's not simply nostalgia to point out the very real difference in what commerce has become.)
Above all, it takes bravery to resist the urge to let real, everyday life diverge so shockingly from our goals. Having integrity and being willing to keep fighting the rot, at least in our own homes — that takes bravery!
The payoff is a tremendously heartening and beautiful life of young people learning, giving, and creating, which they will do if given the chance and a little stern corralling. Our homes and communities could be bursting with young life and our older children could be finding their path to their own vocation to love, for that is what they are actually doing in these years — let's not lose our resolve just when it matters!
I cover this challenge at length in my book set, The Summa Domestica, (note! also now available in paperback!) and in that podcast I mentioned, here at the Center for the Restoration of Christian Culture, on teen culture.
bits & pieces
- You've heard me talk here and on my other blog about Fr. Paul Mankowski, SJ, a dear friend who passed away last year. My husband has edited a book of Fr. M's writings under the alias Diogenes, for decades an anticipated feature in Phil's publications. You won't want to miss it! It's called Diogenes Unveiled — would make a great Christmas present for that someone who likes his revenge cold and his wit blazing hot!
- I found this short interview with Erik Voorhees, crypto expert, informative on the question of the FTX debacle and what Sam Bankman-Fried was doing. For a basic understanding of what the heck is going on with this news story, Voorhees is articulate and clear.
- There is a reason people are acting out in scary, horror movie kind of ways and imposing these ways on us as “normality”: The revenge of conscience by J. Budziszewski.
- Did you know that a kilt (at least a man's kilt) is put together like this? You bunch up a muckle of fabric and put your bahookie on it and stand up? Och! I'm dumbfoonert! (I'm on a mission to start making more clothes, especially woolens in winter and linen things in summer — after Christmas! This link is one of the rabbit holes I went down… )
from the archives
- Lots of emails about toddler behavior! Don't forget all my posts, not to mention whole sections of Volume 1 of The Summa Domestica. Start here: Toddler Life.
- Plan now to celebrate the 12 Days of Christmas, which begin on Christmas Day! What would be awful would be to have the same usual consumerist pile of gifts on the Day, and then to think you had to have gifts on each of the other days! Sure, that would be overwhelming! Instead, do all the things you pile into that one day spread out over the 12, and be a lot happier! In my post I explain how to live the days and how to relieve the gift pressure, while actually enjoying the presents that are given, more.
- We got sick before (me) and after (him) Thanksgiving, so I still have not done more than put a wreath on my door. But here is a roundup of my Advent posts.
liturgical living
Enjoy your Sundays of Advent as we make our journey to Christmas!
follow us everywhere!
My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!
My “random thoughts no pictures” blog, Happy Despite Them — receive it by email if you like, or bookmark, so you don’t miss a thing!
My new podcast can be found on the Restoration of Christian Culture website (and you can find it where you listen to such things) — be sure to check out the other offerings there!
Stay abreast of the posts here at LMLD, when they happen:
Consider subscribing to this blog by email. In the current situation, if we can’t meet here, it would be good for us to be connected by email!
We share pretty pictures: Auntie Leila’s Instagram, Rosie’s Instagram, Deirdre’s Instagram. Bridget’s Instagram.
Auntie Leila’s Facebook (you can just follow)
The boards of the others: Rosie’s Pinterest. Sukie’s Pinterest. Deirdre’s Pinterest. Habou’s Pinterest (you can still get a lot of inspiration here! and say a prayer for her!). Bridget’s Pinterest.
Caitlin says
Good morning Auntie Leila! As usual, you have been reading my mind… I had the realization the other day that I have been sliding into a pattern of pacifying my children. They are nowhere near their teens (we have four, ages 7 and under here) but they are changing as they get older. I’m not sure how it started happening and I need to resist the impulse! I blame a lot of things… holiday stress and my pregnancy exhaustion have combined to produce an I-just-don’t-care-anymore syndrome in Mom… that’s never good, is it? I also have a very, very difficult time with an angry and aggressive three-year-old (girl!) Please pray for me.
Leila says
Besides the good advice of “never get into a land war in Asia” there is “don’t get into a battle of wills with a 3 yo!” It’s a tricky age. Keep your distance — by which I mean, don’t get down to her level and duke it out. Stand far above her and simply move her where you need her to be. Schedule time for cuddles (sometimes the only way it can happen — 20 minutes here and there will make a big difference). Be firm when you need to, and otherwise, shrug and say “that’s naughty” — and move on.
Soon it will all be better, I promise!
I always pray for our readers!
Caitlin says
Thank you so much! ❤️
Katie says
I also fall into the trap of giving up sometimes when I should put my foot down. It’s hard to do when the world is sending one message (or multiple types of mesages, at this point), and I’m trying to enforce opposing ones. Even harder still when my children’s father is more supportive of the popular cultural views and less of the Christian ones. Trying to teach them the right things without undermining dad is a very fine line, but so, SO important. My oldest is just 9, but he is very interested in science, and we have (age-appropriate) conversations pretty often about a lot of the concepts he hears from outside sources, and why certain ideas are wrong, even thought they may be popular. I actually just saw a snippet of an interview by Matt Fradd (YouTube: Pints With Aquinas) about transhumanism and the common ideas within it, and it made me think about how important it is to explain to my kids the “why” behind rejecting those types of ideas. They generally sound so lovely and “good”, until you think about just how much they go against the natural order and God’s design for us. Thank you so much, Auntie Leila, for bolstering my motivation to keep on consistently holding to the standards I know I should try to uphold.
Leila says
I understand your anxiety — but I would say that a 9 yo would benefit from being sheltered from these ideas completely. He’s too young to assimilate arguments against them, because he’s too young to know about them. Being interested in science can mean a lot of things, and it does not have to mean plugging into what goes for science today. If you search the topic here on the blog or read my section on science in my book (vol 2), you will get a better idea of what he could be learning! Even with people around him exposing him to such things, he could be so busy with ideas like how blood circulates in the body or how a candle maintains its flame or any number of things that he would not pay much attention. The truth is that these edgy ideas are boring (but also disturbing to a young child).
Also go back and read this post: https://likemotherlikedaughter.org/2022/08/husbands-and-how-to-understand-them/
It was with something like your situation in mind that I wrote it.
Donna L. says
Hello Auntie Leila~ I am so glad you are both feeling better–Bless you and your Darling Husband! I appreciate your thoughts on the teen years–and believe you are on to something! My sadness and despair lie in the fact that all of my children’s friends in their teens now, have gone off to school {former homeschool chums}, attend terrible concerts, are dating at 13, or succumb to the pleasures of the world and have left us far behind. What would you think it best to say to your children about that? How do we find *new* friends more closely aligned to what we are trying to do, even now? May God bless you all and thank you in advance!
Leila says
We are on the mend, thank you!
We have to know that our children do have free will, and that we can do our best and then accept that we are not in control. We can pray and always look for good friends. Sometimes it’s good to say something simple like “I do feel sorry for so-and-so — she doesn’t realize that her heart is going to be broken this way. What do you think?” then just listen. Your words will be something they think about later.
I saw a wonderful prayer that has helped me a lot. When you worry about your children in a situation that you can’t really control, just say, “Lord, have mercy on my child.” Then abandon him to the will of God, which is total Love.
Mrs. T says
What a wonderful response, Auntie Leila. You are dead on with free will and not being in control. Our oldest, 15, is feeling the pull of the world strongly. We watch, hope and pray. We guide, but the foundation has already been laid. He tests us in every way. I am thankful he serves Mass at our local TLM and is surrounded by a small group of strong, Catholic men. Every morning I pray to St. Joseph and my children’s guardian angels. I’m going to add the mercy prayer you mentioned.
Betsy G says
I would love to read future comments to this post, so I’m just dropping this here to follow.
Kira H says
Greetings Auntie Leila! What an insightful and lovely post as always. This one really speaks to my heart. Our girls are 8 and 2, and surrounding them with beautiful and meaningful culture is already proving challenging. Well-meaning friends and relatives continue to buy them OMG dolls, tons of Disney merchandise, and extremely over-stimulating toddler toys, despite my protestations. We believe that it is important for them to have a close relationship with their extended family. But it is difficult to strike a balance when, for example, a close older relative is firm in her ways about putting the little one in front of the iPad any time she asks for it. I feel so powerless sometimes!
In addition to working on better boundaries, maybe the solution is to put more effort into controlling what I can: to not fall asleep as the leader of our family culture. Maybe a home full of light will be more attractive than darkness, even in teen years. Thank you so much for your insight!
Leila says
All that merchandise can be gradually shifted out… and maybe hints dropped as to more pricey things you would really love to have (“I would be thrilled to get these play silks for my kids!” etc). I know it can be futile…
I don’t think much harm will be done in the long run, if you have a strong peer culture for them that has grown out of a community of people who share your standards. See my “St. Gregory Pocket” posts — look up in the menu bar. It really does take a village — you just need to build the village you want, with others who share your goals!
Eva Marie says
Maybe not applicable, but we had a hard time with this, too—my solution was a “gift closet” and I would only give my kids some of the gifts they were given, saving others for later or to give as presents to friends at a later time. Easier because we lived far enough from family that most gifts were mailed. Other gifts I put away to encourage playing with other things. Don’t be afraid to curate and take charge of your home! And it’s OK to stand up to a relative and lonely say, “Thank you. We chose not to give little E that gift yet.”
Don’t let other people railroad you into things you’ll regret. And follow Leila’s advice to ask for more expensive gifts you want for your kids. For us it was train set pieces and basic LEGOs.
Victoria says
If you are the first person in your family and peer group who wants to have a normal childhood for your daughters, it’s going to feel very hard to do something different. But just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean you are wrong. I have absolutely thrown toys out we didn’t feel appropriate (recently it was a collectable Barbie, which was hard for me to swallow), or gave them away to charity. And yes, tell people what you’d like to have for your child instead. Maybe an “experience” gift like a zoo membership.
Catherine says
Wait, did John and Deirdre have another baby and us none the wiser?? That looks like a newborn, and I’m counting 6 kids in the picture….
Please take lots of pictures of your sewing projects so you can share them in January. 🙂
breezyhill1 says
Today I made some bone broth from the turkey we enjoyed on Thanksgiving and I added some chicken bones and skin etc that we had during the week. Next week I will can it as I find that handier to use than frozen. You indeed are one busy lady.
Carolyn says
I love reading your thoughts on this, Auntie Leila. Sometimes I think, “Wait, now I have to create the culture, TOO?” But I don’t have to do it all. God will provide the friends, events, resources, etc. Your blog has been an immense help. 🙂
Samantha Webb says
Thank you, Auntie Leila! Please keep us posted on your linen and wool sewing projects. I would like to sew clothes with those fabrics too. Finding elegant, modest and simple patterns is not easy!
I have a 1 year old and number 2 is due in two months and I am already worried and trying to figure out how to create a truly inviting and Catholic culture in our home. My parents tried so hard, but some of my siblings just resent them for sheltering us too much. They went crazy when they moved out and/or in their teens. I don’t want to repeat that scenario.
Leila says
The key is to build your own peer group for them — see all my “St. Gregory Pocket” posts (look up in the menu bar) and my chapters in Vol. 1 on raising older kids.
Sarah says
What beautiful pictures, Auntie Leila! I enjoy the crafting room ones, especially the piles of fabric and pretty light. And the big doll house! This mother of four boys, expecting a fifth one soon, indulged in a giant doll house in a small real house and loves it. I did have to put it on a rolling cart so I could scoot it out of the foot traffic as needed. But we do enjoy it.
What a beautiful painting you have now! It’s just the thing, and so is the frame. And it just makes your pretty table all the nicer. We still have small children, so I haven’t embraced tablecloths often, but I hope to do so. When did you bite the bullet and do tablecloths? I know Ma Ingalls used them, and I admire her. We do candles, real glasses, and such whenever we’re not in postpartum or survival mode, but oilcloth is all that would survive unscathed for more than a meal.
Thank you for writing about the teen years. We’re not there yet, but I’m having to discipline myself already!
Leila says
My tablecloth history is complicated, but do get a table that has a nice, durable wooden surface so that for everyday meals you can do without a tablecloth (maybe a runner is a nice touch!) and still have the table look beautiful. We have used cloth napkins for a long time — individualized napkin rings make it possible to use them for a couple of days before laundering.
I have always tried to have a tablecloth for holidays and Sunday dinner when we have eaten in the dining room. Thrifting them has made it less “costly” (in energy) to commit to having the extra laundry, and if you have a railing to hang them from, they dry flatter and don’t necessarily need ironing. For regular use I did have white tablecloths with polyester in them for easier care, but then I found pretty cotton ones at thrift stores and went with a sort of “relaxed rumpled vibe” with those.
For holidays I iron! This particular tablecloth was one I found on clearance at Homegoods — it was apparently considered a more “Halloween” item, although it’s perfect for Thanksgiving and I can make it work for Christmas too (if I think of it as “gold” and add red napkins!).
Sarah says
Thank you! That’s one of the things I really love about your blog. You understand how the nitty gritty of something as mundane as tablecloths or no tablecloths really is worth talking about!
Now I feel better about keeping the gorgeous French damask (my study abroad cheap indulgence! So nice for me that not everyone values damask and silver adequately, though I wish, for their sakes, they would) out of reach a few more years, but not giving up entirely. I think I’ll embrace rumpled too, and spot-hiding patterns.
What would we do without individualized napkin rings! Ours are plain wood rings with initials artfully added in Sharpie. The boys get excited to add a new one for a new baby. Many thanks!
Cirelo says
Similar idea, We recently upgraded the sharpie by getting the boys into woodburning and having them etch everyones initials in. An excellent boycraft!!
Leila says
I do understand! I really do! haha
Alexis says
We have become a family that doesn’t use flat sheets (the horror!) and I’ve learned they make the perfect tablecloths! And flat sheets are so easy to find at the thrift store too.
Carol Kennedy says
Thank you for writing about teen culture. We are in the midst of it and appreciate your input!
Luana says
Thank you for writing aobut teenagers and about the vision we can have for them and for our life together. It is a hard battle to fight with the world, but so worth it. We are few years in and very very grateful for your words of wisdom and encouragement to not give up. Thank you for being this voice in the desert. Seeing your children grow up (on your blog) and seeing what is possible has inspired us to have courage. This fight for the beauty and truth and dignity in hearts of our children looks so hopeless when they are getting older, but I am so so glad you told us it is possible. I belived you and (at least for now) we are blessed with children who create, bake, read, play with siblings and who are mostly joy to be around, despite hormonal changes etc.
I wish there were more voices like yours, telling parents that they are able to form family culture, they are longing for.
Bley says
I just finished listening to your podcast; I can’t express enough how valuable this teaching is to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Taryn says
I have an Advent related question. I know that we are supposed to fast, especially from sweets, during Advent. But what do you do about the December birthdays? We have these and I recall you have some of those as well. Do your December kids have to skip the birthday cake? Do you pause the fast for birthdays?
Leila says
Birthdays are feast days! No skipping birthday cake!
Annie says
My birthday is always during Lent and my mom used to tell me, there’s a reason Jesus made sure His birthday was NOT during Lent 😉 pause the fast!!
MamaB says
I’m only partway through your podcast (so little listening time here!), but as a new(ish) mother of teens, I thank you for your clarity! As I so often find with your thoughts, they echo my own upbringing and what I’m doing with my children, but help me remember the WHY behind it. I shudder when teen friends show up with multiple bags of chips or snacks to a gathering, and don’t allow my own children to buy snacks or candy, even with their own money. But to remember that growth in TEMPERANCE is the principle behind it so helpful! Ditto for fortitude, when ending gatherings, cutting a get-together off. Especially when I’m rather sleep deprived with nursing baby, sick kids, my foggy brain needs to be reminded of these principles. Many thanks as always for sharing your wisdom.
Ann says
“Diogenes Unveiled” made the perfect birthday gift for my husband, who appreciates dry wit, as well as an author who thoroughly enjoys the written word and exhibits such mastery of it in his writings. Please thank your husband for his work in compiling Fr. Mankowski’s writings for all of us to enjoy! I second that this book makes for a perfect Christmas gift!
Leila says
Wonderful! I will pass along your compliment!