My pep talk is below, but first I have to tell you: I have made a huge mistake.
In the past, I have pretty much failed at zucchini, which I know is like saying you failed at falling down, but there it is.
But this year I have these two giant plants that are already a success, plus the zucchini-ish volunteer that I have carefully trellised due to lack of faith in myself.
It's early July and I already have a glut.
Having given thought to preservation methods for this watery vegetable that might not be too appealing in many forms later on, I decided I would first roast the ones I had picked (probably already about 3 lbs) for freezing. I love a vegetable lasagna layered with roasted zukes and eggplant. Later I will shred some and put that by for zucchini bread.
However, I spent too much time while they were in the 450° oven looking up how to preserve them and… they burnt to a crisp.
They burned so thoroughly that I had to stick the pan outside last night lest all our smoke detectors go off!
I don't know how I didn't notice that this was happening. I'm so out of it and also allergies have me all stuffed up!
Sigh (but can we admire the many blooms on my heretofore sparse hydrangea?). I'm sure I'll have another chance though!
Okay, time for this quick pep talk. I hope you are having a wonderful summer and enjoying yourselves! I hope you are letting your children splash about in the water, make mud pies, play baseball, and generally get physically worn out and mentally recharged. If you live in the antipodes and it's mid-winter or if you are one of my Arizona friends huddling in the AC, sorry. I am still hoping you are enjoying something!
This is my pep talk, and I don't know how to make it sound like what it is — the key to a life that isn't frantic — and not a truism that you can brush aside and go on with methods that might be contributing to general angst.
Here it is: Schedule less in your day and in your life generally.
Most of the things will schedule themselves (doctors' appointments, social events, baptisms, and so on). The man of the family definitely has most of his time scheduled for him. He is beholden to an outside force. Even if he works for himself, he has to provide a living.
To have a peaceful family and a life oriented to the good, we need time — unscheduled time. The woman of the house needs to fend off the urge to make use of every hour and minute.
That means that often she will be somewhat haunted by the thought that others are judging her for not being enterprising!
Think about it — in order to be available to take up the slack, meet an emergency, or even be mentally and physically present for an unforeseen opportunity (say, with a child who is discovering a feature of the world fairly common to every adult, but magical to him at the moment), the mother will by definition require time that is unscheduled. She has to live within this tension of being at rest in order to leap into action. If she doesn't accept the potential for tension (at least as a perceived by others and thus a matter for self-judgment that she might succumb to), she will not be available. To a certain extent in our society, to be calm we have to accept that we will always feel the pressure to do otherwise; hence, the tension.
There is even more to protecting the wife's time. I have noticed that the one thing that makes most women accept feminism (even if we can't really define the ideology) is, if we listen closely to what they say, that they really don't think women should have to do housework. Housework seems like the worst drudgery, the worst fate, avoiding which would justify doing any other sort of work, even work that is objectively far more tedious and limiting than sweeping a floor or even, gasp, cleaning a bathroom.
Yet housework loses all its horrors and even becomes a pleasure if we don't have to rush through it. Making best use of our time can mean using it fully for the task at hand and no more, not, as we so often interpret it, being so efficient that we regard failing to rush as a sort of defect.
It's true that mopping a floor with a couple of toddlers running about can be frustrating. But one of the factors that makes it almost intolerable is the sense that we don't have time for it, that there are pressing matters we have to get to. Without this pressure, even housework with young children can be, dare I say, fulfilling. It can even give us mental room in which to contemplate much higher thoughts; it can even be a means of prayer. We just need time in which to do it.
Certainly, the family has no room for pursuing creative ideas and activities if the normal pattern is to be busy with the world's demands. You've heard it before, but it's worth thinking about again as a real challenge: just because everyone is doing something, doesn't mean our family has to do it!
This is why I insist that basing family survival on two incomes is not a good idea. When both parents have outside commitments and time that is spoken for, there is no wiggle room, no cushion, no buffer. They think they are providing more security, but the choices are made on the basis of everything going right. That means that any disruption is perceived as an attack instead of how life actually is.
The need for everything to go perfectly well, since the buffers are removed, underlies what I have talked about as “baby resistance” — the idea and really fear that another child will create untenable disturbances (for instance, some time when mom feels sick and can do little). Yet children are the blessing of marriage and a great gift to all. The ups and downs, even if the downs are sometimes catastrophic, can be managed where the family has chosen to leave breathing room.
Deliberately choosing catastrophe? What am I saying? But catastrophe is part of life. We can't control illness, accident, even death. We can only control our attitude towards these things and our arrangement of our choices to meet with serenity (or at least not utter panic) what we know we cannot avoid. If instead we accept the world's idea of busy-ness, avoiding the vulnerability of leaving our time open, we miss out on the joys, small and large, of life lived differently.
Husband and wife should view time as a gift and prioritize keeping it as free as they can, especially the wife's time. Even for those who have made the decision to have the wife home, the danger is therefore to think of her time as available for scheduling.
Choose not to do more. Guard the time.
bits & pieces
- Melody Lyons had posted about her miscarriage and how she dealt with it. A discussion ensued on my FB page about the collective memory we have lost. Some resources in case of miscarriage that we should bookmark and share with the pastor of our church and our mothers' networks: Management of miscarriage; practical spiritual help. (A priest at the Abbey near us suggests ordering a headstone from a company that provides them for pets as much more affordable than the alternative.)
- A beautiful documentary about the Carmelites of Fairfield, PA; their life and the specific challenge they face from those who wish to eliminate their charism of being hidden and living simply with God. I found that watching it helped me to think more about the value of the housewife deciding not to rush through her chores. Why do we despise our little tasks?
from the archives
- The other day a new friend came by to pick up some sourdough starter from me, and we were chatting about this and that. She mentioned that she loves The Summa Domestica (so sweet of her to tell me!) and has given it as a gift to several of her friends, especially one friend who suffers from UTIs, because I have a chapter in the appendix with this post. I said that this is good to know, because my (totally darling) editor had asked me if I really thought this particular post should go in the book; it seems so different from the others. Oh yes, I said — and my new friend nodded her head vigorously — UTIs and mastitis are two issues women have that feel very defeating and make motherhood so hard. Trying my best to keep the collective memory!
liturgical living
follow us everywhere!
My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!
My “random thoughts no pictures” blog, Happy Despite Them — receive it by email if you like, or bookmark, so you don’t miss a thing!
My new podcast can be found on the Restoration of Christian Culture website (and you can find it where you listen to such things) — be sure to check out the other offerings there!
Stay abreast of the posts here at LMLD, when they happen:
Consider subscribing to this blog by email. In the current situation, if we can’t meet here, it would be good for us to be connected by email!
We share pretty pictures: Auntie Leila’s Instagram, Rosie’s Instagram, Deirdre’s Instagram. Bridget’s Instagram.
Auntie Leila’s Facebook (you can just follow)
The boards of the others: Rosie’s Pinterest. Sukie’s Pinterest. Deirdre’s Pinterest. Habou’s Pinterest (you can still get a lot of inspiration here! and say a prayer for her!). Bridget’s Pinterest.
bethanne says
Maybe you made biochar? I’m just kidding…but maybe?
Leila says
I undoubtedly did make biochar!!
Dixie says
Oh, I so agree, but the practical part of this is so hard. It is so hard to make these choices, especially when it means pulling back from previous commitments and activities. So hard!! Do you have any stories about having done this, Auntie Leila, that might give an example?
Leila says
Take your schedule to prayer!
Discuss with your husband. How many activities should each child have? What are the boundaries? How many suppers during the week should be missed?
For instance, I realized that I was not peaceful making supper in a rush. Even though in theory I *could* get everything ready in an hour if I worked hard, I *enjoyed* the process more if I left myself from at least 4pm on to prepare.
So on the days that we had to be out until, say, 4:30, I scheduled some sort of crockpot or slow roasted meal that I prepped by 10am, but I started limiting those outings. I made a real effort to be home by 4 so that I could avoid a rush before supper.
If a friend wanted to get together at 3:30, I would suggest something earlier. When my kids were little it was fine, but as the balance went towards the teen years, I realized the importance of being home in the later afternoon.
I gave up book clubs that went late into the night. The next day just wasn’t worth it!
At the start of every season, while assessing how many outside commitments we had, I would be sure to have one day that had some open time so that I knew I had time then for an unexpected visit, appointment, or day trip. If you schedule every single day, you never have that opening!
If we had a baseball season, with 6pm games, then we took our sandwiches to the game, but then I made sure that the other nights we took it slow, and didn’t schedule anything in the following season.
When someone came to me with an offer to write or edit something for them, I said no, knowing that the season of my life would come when I would have more time for that sort of thing, and be able to do it at my own pace. And one reason it took me so long to get the book out is that my priority is family.
Dixie says
Thank you, Auntie Leila. This is really helpful! I will take it to prayer! I’m trying to schedule for the coming semester so that we have two afternoons open each week. Last semester I was overcommitted (teaching two courses, one of which turned into a sour work environment) and I barely had any downtime or saw any friends, and I was a ball of stress. I’m not going to teach at all outside the home this coming year, but even so, the scheduling is tricky. And some activities are so important that they warrant a place in the schedule — honestly, I’d rather have every afternoon free, so I appreciate the advice about what might make a good balance.
I agree about the 4 o’clock thing. This summer things have been so much better just because I feel more relaxed while I cook, and there’s time to clean out the pantry and things at other points in the day, too.
I want to be relaxed enough this coming year to actually teach more in the homeschooling rather than just assigning things and being the taskmaster while trying to do chores and manage the younger kids. When I asked the kids what they wanted to do during school next year, they said, “do more schoolwork *together*.” I can’t do that if I’m so, so stressed. Thank you for the advice.
Beth Blake says
My freshman roommate became a Carmelite! We were best friends in college even though she was a cradle Catholic and I was a pretty closed-off, charismatic evangelical protestant at the time. Her prayer life, sincerity, and witness to the beauty and truth of the sacraments opened up that tiny crack in my reasoning; “maybe Catholics are genuine Christians after all… maybe they aren’t all crazy??” Anyways, we are able to write to her at Christmas and Easter so I have kept her in the loop with our conversion experience, and we got to read an exuberant reply from her (via her sister) showing how delighted and beyond words she was at hearing my husband and I had entered the Catholic Church. It blows my husband’s mind to think that we have had a sister praying for us this whole time, even when he didn’t realize it. It blows my mind. Praise God for their dedication to offering up prayers for us and the world, at the expense of worldly conveniences and comforts. May God preserve their order and give them peace.
And thank you for your words about time. I have been thinking about that a lot lately as I prepare to deliver twins in about a month here–wholly dedicating my time to them and to my husband seems so much more worthwhile than filling my time up with other “things” and then trying to accomplish all my actual duties with a grumpy attitude, or a spirit of constant exhaustion. I tend to overdo it in general, trying to be perfect, and your messages about seeking competence and beauty have impacted my vision of homemaking and motherhood so much.
Lisa G. says
Leila, I’m getting over a respiratory virus, and I also always have sinus issues. I’d recently purchased some garlic capsules and some oregano extract, not with intention of using it right away, but I read they are good to have on hand. So, with this virus and all the junk my body is trying to get rid of, I thought I’d try the garlic. Well! I am WAY more alert, clear headed. I think I’m going to add it to my daily regime. Garlic is also good for the cardiovascular system. https://www.iherb.com/pr/solgar-garlic-oil-perles-concentrate-250-softgels/15419 I can’t say enough about it, and never expected such results.
Leila says
Oh this is good to know! Thank you!
Jill says
I think of your advice all the time when all the youth group activities come up….”what kids need these days is more time with their parents” helped me to feel less guilty when saying no. Thank you for words of wisdom!!
Lillian Bielinski says
I appreciate your advice, and here in the usually frozen tundra of North Dakota we are enjoying the blissful summer days of sunshine!! We picnic almost everyday for lunch. Baseball, Shakespeare and French clubs, and practicing music are our only “summer school” and read aloud with dad of course! It feels so good to have daily leisure and freedom, it’s chaotic with 5 little children (ages 10-1), but very blessed! Some friends are starting to talk about Fall curriculums, but I would rather not…. It’s coming, I know, but summer is so pleasant…
Mrs T says
Auntie Leila, it’s as if you could look inside my heart. I am guilty of “feeling guilty”. For not scheduling enough or being available to help others. It’s a vicious cycle. I treasure quiet evenings at home and have had to take a giant step back and remind myself busyness is not a virtue.
As far as having children run about in the sun, making mud pies, I agree wholeheartedly. However it’s the teenage son, my oldest, who is difficult. No luck finding a part time summer gig (which would be a blessing for him) and only so many chores mom can give. Leave him idle too long and he fights with siblings or wants to escape to the world of tv/gaming. We have a strict policy on those, parent approval and limited time. Ughhhh. Only so much influence a mother has over her teenage son and dad works looong hours.
And baby resistance? That is us. This last baby, number eight, has been a doozy. And I have been experiencing health problems for which I have no answers for. Very frustrating. The thought of another child right now leaves me in tears.
Anyways, I do try my best to offer it up. And to meet each day with a smile. It’s the best I can do right now.
Mckenna says
Mrs. T, I just wanted to offer solidarity in the teenage boy department. We have the opposite problem with our soon to be 15 year old son. He’s very busy (counselor at sailing camp, basketball, scouts, etc). However, the habit of retreating to gaming/ YouTube is so strong with their generation. Like you, we have boundaries around those things, but it is exhausting. I feel like moms of teenagers are battle fatigued in this crazy world we live in. Constantly monitoring tech use, not allowing social media, etc. I know it’s the right path, but it’s a burden. It’s probably very appropriate for boys that age to turn inward, but in the cultural dumpster fire we’re in right now, there are just so many snake pits to fall into. Sigh.
Mrs T says
Yes. Exactly. It’s exhausting.
Leila says
I feel like I have a post about this somewhere, but I can’t find it… the teenage boy who can’t find a summer job — usually it’s that he’s too young, but of course he could do all sorts of things!
Basically, the way to approach this is to have him do the big jobs around the house. Excuse him from regular chores so he can paint a room, build a fence, repair a wall — any of those myriad improvement jobs that your husband just can’t get to or the handyman isn’t available for. A 15 yo, especially one adept at gaming, can certainly figure out how to replace a leaky faucet, paint the porch, remove poison ivy, get the mower working, put up your pictures, manure your garden… not to mention cleaning and organizing Dad’s workbench, minding the kids at the pond, making them lunch, and teaching the dog to fetch.
Make a list and hand it to him. The key is to have a LIST. Not “mom telling him” but a written list that has to be checked off. I’m sure Dad would have ideas too!
I think you should not “limit” gaming unless we mean once a week… I think it should not be allowed at all. Basketball (let him make a court!), board games, poker, bridge, a book/drama club, juggling together, learning rugby or some other new sport… let him get his friends together and actually do things that are not on a computer/TV/online/whatever it is. Dads can be of help here and it really is a matter of a Sunday afternoon here and there to get them started. One of my sons still fondly remembers a Sunday evening Shakespeare club organized by a dad for the teen boys.
I say this in the friendliest way. It’s not easy. But right now is the summer when he can learn skills and contribute to family life. And learn to use his free time well. It is all too easy to lapse into the zone of online.
As to baby resistance, I am sure that you will have time to consider the aspects of what you mention more calmly when you have your older children busily occupied. It’s not your job to *entertain* them or even to be sure they have entertainment! You will be more at peace. It’s never really the (potential) baby who is the problem, but all the in-real-life-here-and-now kids! We need to find a way to ship them off!
But seriously, you can’t allow yourself to be run so ragged that you can’t even attend to your health. A useful schedule is one that helps you achieve a balance in every day so that you can figure things out. Don’t react and be left exhausted; instead, act to pull your time into its proper course, eliminating the frazzling agendas and quieting everything down. Be sure you know what your meals will be… that’s step one, as I always say!
Mrs. T says
I’m all on board for no gaming…my husband is not. So it is what it is.
I had a sneaking suspicion that he needed to be relieved of the “easy” chores and given more man-like responsibilities. I have had him do a few things, like patch the chicken coop, move dirt, wood piles, clean garage, etc. Although every thing is met with resistance. Every. Little. Thing. His best friend moved away 2 years ago and none of his new ones have made much of an effort to see him over the summer. He wants to disconnect from his younger siblings (I understand this), but it’s too easy for him to retreat into a fantasy world of gaming. I hate it. It’s a never ending contention in our home.
Any moms with young children reading: keep them away from the gaming world. It’s not worth it.
And unfortunately, my husband and son have not gotten along for quite some time now. It breaks my heart. They are forever butting heads. I sometimes wonder if it is my son’s way of testing my husband, to see if he’s the man my son needs him to be. Does that make sense?
Anyways, this turned into a rambling post. Didn’t mean that. Just navigating new territories with our oldest and it feels like such a trial lately.
Leila says
I understand.
Have you read “7 Habits of Highly Effective People”? It’s important to hand him the list and to say “figure it out.” The resistance is that he isn’t OWNING it. Praise him for his efforts, require him to put out the effort.
Certainly, a 15 yo boy is testing dad! A wise priest once told me that at this age, the boys especially are looking to see if you both are for real or crazy! Is your view of life the right one? Remember, they are, within themselves, forming their whole approach to life going forward. Now is the time to be firm and loving, to set standards no matter what the “attitude” you get from them, and also to be very understanding. A real transformation is taking place and it’s not always easy to see. It happens very quickly, though. In five years he will be a man and this is the time that the concrete is being poured!
I would encourage you to help your husband by scheduling some time in for a heart-to-heart about this. It’s always good to touch base in a more than “ships passing in the night” sort of way and to update the 5 year plan for the family and for each child.
If your husband is feeling frustration with the relationship, it might be good to ask questions, really seeking answers. “What do you see as healthy for him to be doing with his time? What is standing in the way of this? What can we do to help him with the hours in his day? How can I help?” As I say in my “mothering a 13 yo boy” post, the mother really does have to step back and let her husband guide the son in this stage. But the husband, in his turn, needs encouragement and support, because it’s easy for him to feel defeated.
I am glad you brought it up. Many readers are in the same position and there is little help for us out there in the world. Most parents hand over their teens to the culture. They are happy they are online and not presenting them with this bundle of contradictions and disruption. But that’s not the way to raise good adults!
Pray to his guardian angel!
Mrs. T says
Everything you’re saying are impressions I had already felt upon my heart. I just needed someone else to say them. Thank you.
Dixie says
I *love* this advice. I don’t have teens yet, but I have a little bit of perspective on this because I teach part-time at a Newman guide college, so my husband (full-time) and I see a lot of different versions of “conservative Catholic teenager” pass through our lives. We talk a lot about the wonderful ones and what distinguishes them. Once thing that we have noticed is that, oh my, going to Mass, etc., is not enough to shield these young people from the toxic larger culture. They need those phone and screen rules, especially. They need responsibility along with firmness. They need to continue to function in relationships in old-fashioned ways. There are too many Catholic college kids who are accustomed to having tons of freedom in how they entertain themselves and each other but too little responsibility for taking care of serious things — they expect coddling re: scheduling, commitments, studying, finances, etc.
Staying firm but giving serious responsibilities (not frivolous ones) is what I *think* in part leads to the kind of college student who is awake enough to have some self-control in the face of temptations.
You’re doing great, Mrs. T., because you *see* the problem and want to do something about it! Lots of people can’t see the problem! You’re going to do great! Keep it up and I will be talking with my husband in a few years about your fabulous college kids 🙂
Mrs. T says
What a thoughtful response. Thank you, Dixie. I appreciate your perspective.
Donna L. says
Hello Mrs. T~ I deeply appreciate you sharing your struggles with your son. I have a son a bit younger than yours, and his father and my son are in the same sort of “dance”. Ugh. My husband works outside the home and used to be really into sports when he was younger–still fit and thinks lifting weights and working out is fun. My son would much rather play games on the computer than anything else. I made a deal with him to get outside for an hour and read a book for an hour {not online} to earn an hour of computer/game time. It may be less than ideal, but it is working better to feel like there is a balance. Older two siblings are at work, Dad likes to *veg* out in front of the news and YouTube stuff as well as playing games on the computer at night–so no screens for all would fall flat…I will pray for you and I ask for prayers for me, too! Hang in there!
Mrs. T says
I will pray for you, Donna. Thank you.
Vera says
Auntie Leila, you are right about everything as usual : ) I find myself oscillating between two traps–maybe you could provide wisdom to those.
Trap 1) I must accomplish something/get something done/have a material result to my day to be productive. I must have something to show for myself. I think this comes from some PPD I had after my first–transitioning from being a busy HS teacher to a SAHM was hard for me. I felt that I had to have something to show for myself each day to justify myself to … who exactly I don’t know because my husband is nothing but supportive of my staying home. This translates to baking something, cleaning something, decluttering etc
Trap 2) I must take the kids on an outing in order to not feel guilty about missed opportunities. So we need to go to a playground/pool/library/whatever to get them out of the house. We used to live in CA and Covid lockdowns really hit me hard in this department. Now I have 3 kids (baby is 7 months) and I find it really challenging to keep this up. So I’ve gotten better in this department, we don’t go somewhere every day, but I still feel guilty. That I am somehow depriving my children of socializing with others or new experiences. This mentality is not sustainable as my eldest inches closer to school age though.
This is my tension : )
Ellen says
Your words touched a chord with me. I think i read it here that before age 6 or 7 , socializing mainly with siblings is perfectly fine and developmentally normal. That has given me alot of peace about staying home alot of days
Leila says
Vera, I think everyone needs a schedule of some sort! The daily rhythm that allows you to balance the needs and wants. So:
1. Yes, schedule those baking/cleaning/organizing impulses in. Check out my Reasonably Clean House series. Give a thought to the week and how the days tend to arrange themselves. I often have found that on Wednesdays I can bake! It’s just how my days work. Yours might be different. If you know you have a baking day or two set aside, you can relax. That old ditty about wash on Monday iron on Tuesday is helpful to get the idea through that women have always found life more peaceful if there is a pattern. Prevents the sense of needing to do ALL the things ALL the time, and ending up doing nothing and feeling frustrated.
2. Each family needs to find their “going out/staying home” balance. I found with little kids that we simply HAD to at least go to the playground every day, if we had no other outings planned, or “the yayas” were going to make us crazy. When they got older, they sorted their own playing outside (and we had a house of our own with a yard), so that leaving the house a few times a week satisfied the sense of needing a change of pace. And then when they were even older, they had activities that necessitated going out and about — no need to plan much at all!
It’s always a balance! It’s insane to insist on new experiences all the time, but rather sad never to have any. The mother can plan ahead, making sure that a big adventure is followed by a “down” day and then maybe an outing that is enjoyable but not necessarily thrilling in that sense, like going to the library for a wagon-load of books.
In this way, a day home without a new experience is felt as an intentional and desired enjoyment. And as you experience these days this way, you start to see that your children (some more than others, but hey, they need to have their needs met too) appreciate being home. Remember, “boredom” is vital for certain wonderful experiences to happen. When your children learn to read, they will probably not give a difficult book a chance
without that sense of “there’s nothing else to do” — but they will be greatly rewarded.
Think of all the somewhat painful things we make them do for their own good. A day — many days — without undue stimulation is one of those things! Own it!
So my thought is: plan and make your own schedule with a sense of what your own family rhythms and needs are. You can always adjust it.
BarboraG says
How interesting. I have been really learning from experience that children and scheduling really do not go hand in hand. Auntie Leila, or any mum of little ones, how do you structure your day? I’m a stay at home mum with so little scheduled. I feel I get ‘so little done’. Sometimes my ‘morning routine’ of prayer, breakfast, getting the babies changed and dressed etc., my exercise, and housework stretches beyond lunch time. Just the other day it all took me until 3pm! Then I can basically have a tea break and get started on dinner. So much of the day I spend mothering and nursing; everything is ‘interrupted’ by that, and so everything takes a long time. What time do you go out with children? I struggle to get any housework done at all if I go out. Am I being too rigid by expecting to keep up my daily habits?
Completely unrelated: I found some truly gorgeous picture books here in the UK from the 20s 30s and 40s. One of them is about King Arthur and his knights. Never before have I seen these stories depicted with such deep Christian undertones. The other one is a Bible stories about children, and the book relates and addresses and relates to children in such a beautiful way. This book series has a lot of classics, which I will be hunting down. Oh how much we have lost. These books totally ignite me.
Caitlin says
Barbora, I think you are doing great! (Also, those books sound lovely!) Most of my days are like that– just try to keep things moving along in the home, and before you know it it’s late afternoon… that’s okay. That’s what we are home for! Your morning routine sounds like a good full day, if there are little ones around.
I do aim most days to stay home and not get off track with housework and daily rhythms. I am not sure how old your children are? But if they are very young, I think 1-2 outings a week is plenty to strike a balance of fighting cabin fever but also staying on top of the housework and normal meal/nap times. I don’t think that is too rigid, I think it’s probably helpful for them (and everyone in the family, really) to know basically how the day is going to go and what to expect next.
I have a crew of almost-2,3,5, and 7 years old. If we go out, it is mid-morning, around 10 (but it goes better if we can leave earlier!) If not mid-morning, sometimes we can go out after the baby’s nap (about 1-2:30) but I find I must, absolutely must get us home by 4:00 in order not to derail the dinner prep and evening routine. Also that afternoon time can get tricky because the three year old, who does not nap, might fall asleep in the car, and that makes her very, very cranky. So early to mid-morning is the sweet spot for us, then we’re back home for a simple lunch and nap times, and the afternoon and evening can march on as usual. Hope that helps! You are doing great!
BarboraG says
Thank you. My boys are three under 5: 4, 2 and 8m, they are all two years apart. Last winter when it was really cold, I got the unsolicited advice that the 2-year-old needed to be taken to the playground for an hour a day. While this might well be true and would probably benefit him greatly, I could not do this with a newborn who needed me to sit with him as I would nurse him, let alone outside when it was nearly freezing. I guess this is what made me feel inadequate since. But thank you, one or two outings a week is doable and much more reasonable. You are right about the mornings probably being the best time to go out. Going out in the afternoon either makes them overtired, or they fall asleep, making bedtime also difficult.
Annie says
Haha- sounds like “come help me by taking my 2yo to the park a few times a week” is a good request for the person who told you that!!
Do you have anywhere within walking distance that makes a good outing? My saving grace is that we are only a short walk away from a wonderful park with a playground and a stream that is good for wading in with toddlers. So I can “get out” when we need to (and even meet friends there!) without driving and risking anyone falling asleep!
BarboraG says
I wish! But that said person lives in another country. Thankfully, we walk everywhere; we don’t even drive. There is plenty out there for us. Yet somehow during the week when it’s just me and the kids, getting them all synced up i.e. they all must be healthy, awake (at least the older ones) and dressed. It seems to require so much coordination. I need to get over myself sometimes and just go out. Perhaps I’ll start meeting friends in the park, too. Going to the park tomorrow morning!
precisewoman says
When my children were those 4, 2 and a baby we walked around the block a lot. They had certain lawn ornaments and landmarks along they way to find. It felt like an outing to them and gave me a little fresh air and new resolve. But it was literally just around the block so we could GO as soon as the pieces fell into place and be back before anything unpleasant happened. A little outside really goes a long way for little ones!
Rebecca says
I can relate! If I take my 3-year-old and 1-year-old on an outing (let’s say at 10:00 or so), I can count on at least one of them falling asleep in the car. Nap time gets messed up, I am then dragging through the afternoon with no nap/rest time for myself, and it often leads to very frazzled evenings rushing around to get dinner and baths finished so cranky and tired kiddos to get to bed! And yet I find we all benefit from the interaction of a play date a few times a week…This is just to say you are not alone in finding the balance difficult!
BarboraG says
I suppose that further complicates things: that nap-times evolve as the kiddos grow. Then the whole ‘schedule’ must change! It’s never a settled matter.
Leila says
I have a post here that might help — buried in it is my suggestion about how to tailor your to-do list to your season in life: https://likemotherlikedaughter.org/2016/01/simplify-your-to-do-list-with-sticky-notes/
Know that life with babies and toddlers sometimes does feel that way — just doing the barest minimum!
And my post here is really about this! About understanding that the only reason you might not feel okay with such a situation is that you have some vision in your mind of all the ways you ought to be meeting some other expectations.
However, taking care of small children is a long game. And the little things — diaper changes, cleaning up breakfast, tidying, getting supper started — can be drudgery standing in the way of the other expectations or can be, simply, what you do that day in THIS important work. If we can only accept this, we then are free to enjoy the time.
The day will come when these very children are quite self-sufficient and even genuinely helpful, leaving you free to accomplish much more (of your own choosing). To arrive at that day with peacefulness, don’t strain against the sense of having nothing to show now.
If you write down “get babies dressed, eat meals, tidy, make supper” and are able to cross those tasks off at the end of the day, you have done well! You need a schedule/to do list, but it has to fit your circumstances perfectly.
My posts about the Reasonably Clean House teach you how to do a little more on some days so that the other days have more time in them for going out or whatever it is that you need to do.
Certainly, when you are nursing a newborn, going out probably needs to be put off or delegated. *It’s okay to do this!* There is nothing more important for you to do! (Nursing moms can read a lot! Great perk of the job 😉 )
Amy A. says
Hi Barbora, I agree with Caitlin that you are doing great, and with Auntie Leila that “get dressed, tidy, eat meals, make supper” is pretty much your daily list in this stage in life! But I humbly offer a few suggestions of how I structured my day when I had 3 kids under 4 and you feel like they are actively working against your efforts to feed and clothe them!
1. I was up before the toddlers (mostly determined by what time the baby got up, such is life) and I had eaten something and put in my contacts so I could see what I was doing before toddlers were freed from their cribs. Starts the day on the right foot!
2. I agree wholeheartedly with others that mornings are a good time for a quick “outing.” For us our two most common destinations were a playground for an energy burnoff and the library for new books. Very occasionally I took them to the grocery store if it was an absolute necessity, otherwise we just did without whatever I was out of. I for one would much rather have a skipped or shortened morning nap (with the potential promise of making it up in the afternoon) rather than a skipped afternoon nap, without which the whole evening is just unpleasant. And I made a big push on morning playtimes when I had two toddlers and a baby because tired toddlers take early and long afternoon naps, which is a blessing for everyone 🙂
3. I learned that “tidying” can be done in tiny pockets of time. I have only recently stopped cleaning bathrooms while there was a toddler or two happily splashing in the tub (while I was in arm’s reach, of course, but in my bathroom that still gives you a toilet and sink to scrub while they’re in the bath! Better than nothing!) Also, your four year old is not too young to help, and Auntie Leila has a great series of posts about what children can do that I have referred back to many times. I have had four year olds wipe baseboards (put old socks on their hands dampened with a bit of water and tell them to “go wipe out the dust monsters!!”, you’ll have the cleanest baseboards in town! :-), sweep under the table with a mini broom and dustpan, use a plastic spray bottle and old rag to clean dog nose prints off the door, tear lettuce for the dinner salad, set out napkins and forks at dinner, etc., etc. I also often started or changed a load of laundry when the toddlers were amused with blocks or whatnot because if you have had the four year old help you sort by color, it’s all set to go in the machine. If I got one load a day washed and dried, that kept us afloat. Folding usually waited until after bedtime though.
4. I often thought in terms of “rhythm” rather than “routine”. This was helpful to me because sometimes someone just needs to eat or sleep earlier or later because they are growing or coming down with something or whatnot, so thinking in terms of “Morning consists of we wake up, eat, dressed and cleaned up, play (outside if at all possible), nap, lunch” is MUCH easier on me mentally than “Breakfast at 7, playtime 8-9, nap at 9”.
5. I did so much dinner prep while kids were eating lunch. I would grate the cheese, chop the onions, peel the potatoes, etc., at the lunch table and between bites of my own meal. I am sure I looked ridiculous with a baby strapped to my chest or back, sneaking food with one hand and prepping it with the other, but who was around to see it? And it made the dinnertime hour so much easier!
It is such a long game but you can do it! Love and prayers to you!
Leila says
Great list!
And of course the detailed help for all of this sort of thing is here on the blog and in my book, The Summa Domestica! 😉
BarboraG says
Thank you so much precisewoman, Amy, Auntie Leila and the lest of you. I wrote up a rough daily rhythm to follow, one where it does not matter how long any of it takes (meal times are fairly fixed though). We went to a small outing to the playground yesterday morning and this morning we went for a walk to buy some sticky notes to make my three things to-do list. I love this little diary cover with a pocket that I repurposed for this, and I stuck in a polaroid of my husband, too. It turns out this (small daily outings, and three things) is all quite doable, and hopefully it will help me to get out of this ploughing through to get to the next thing mentality. You are right, I am already doing this. What else would I need to get to? I am nearly at the end of my Summa, so I look forward to reading the rest of the organizational posts! It turns out that probably what I needed the most right now is right at the end 🙂 My two year-old already loves to unload cutlery from the dishwasher to the drawer, and my 4 year old can tidy the whole kids’ bedroom (if prompted) 😀 it’s quite amazing what you can teach them even when they are so little. Getting them to do the baseboards sounds like an excellent idea! What would I do without this blog? Love and prayers X
And your garden looks like a beautiful park, Auntie Leila
Rosemary Callenberg says
Our friends, who are helping build the Fairfield Carmel, also made the documentary. It is so beautifully done!
Emily says
I feel the SAME WAY about that documentary! I watch it when I’m cleaning sometimes–well, I don’t watch, I just put it on to play. It’s so soothing but also motivating!
Teresa says
Not over scheduling totally resounds with me! I avoid it because it makes sense and keeps me sane! Sure, we have busy (temporary) times but keeping life manageable is key. It’s necessary for a healthy spiritual life, too, in my opinion.
Nicole says
I just love summer for the way it gives me even more margin. Even though we homeschool and thus are home 6/7 days a week usually, the days are just SO full with homeschooling, chores, and baby care. I like that in the summer I can just sit outside with the toddlers and watch them play happily with no worries about the daily schedule (other than meal times and the normal routines). I think homeschool moms *especially* need to give themselves this break in the summer! This is when I have those margins to de-clutter a space, plan things, tackle deeper cleaning, and of course, just enjoy my littler ones (who I feel sometimes get put off a bit in the school year, when I have to devote those 2ish hours to schoolwork).
Joy Pullmann says
I am so delighted to find that you ALSO burn things accidentally! Not delighted that you lost your zukes, of course, but just that I’m not the only one. I feel so daft when I do it.
By the way, in the future if you happen to want freezable zuchinni that doesn’t get quite as soggy, you might try the zuchinno rampicanto from Baker Creek. It’s a firmer zuchinni-style squash with great flavor. I get it because it’s less susceptible to the squash bugs we have here but it also freezes for soups and casseroles much better than the traditional darker green zuchinni.
Leila says
Oh, Joy, you can always come here for “burning the food” support! I’m so spacey!
Thanks for the tip — I will look up what variety I planted (I know it’s not the normal Fordhook one) and maybe if it’s similar, I can freeze with confidence haha
Nicole S says
Oh, this post is lovely, and the comments are their own wealth of information and encouragement! I’ve been reflecting on these words since I read them yesterday, about how I “schedule” our days, but really try to rush through much of what I do so I can do “what I want”. I relate so much with Vera above who shared her struggle of feeling the need to “produce” something – I was also a teacher before coming home to be with our littles!
Anyway, I find that much of my rushing is also due to not wanting to leave our wild 2yo or sweet (but needy!) 9mo alone/unattended for too long. This feels like a different sort of rushing, and one that could be amended to doing things more in smaller chunks rather than trying to get everything done all at once. If that makes sense.
I also very much struggle with the post naptime hours before my husband is finished his work day. Between 3 and 6 I am a ball of nerves wondering what on earth to do with myself and the children. It just seems like the time when we’re all running out of energy and patience and creativity, etc. Though if we’re lucky, they’ll spend a lot of that time outside, which is so nice! Any other suggestions there?
Dixie says
What makes you the most annoyed and frustrated during that 3-6 time? Is it that it seems endless? Is it that the cranky kids grab your legs and make it impossible to cook dinner? For me it was the endless thing and the dinner thing.
There have been years for me when I find that one hour before my husband comes home is when I clean up the living room with the kids and then put on a show for them. Anyone who won’t clean up goes to their room until supper instead (unless they’re very little, of course), and then I get peace that way!
Your two-year-old can definitely do this, and if he/she is calmer, 9-month-old might be calmer, too, during this hour. Can you set things up for baby entertainment? Do you have fun things right where you need to be? Can he/she actually eat some things at her high chair during this hour, since it doesn’t really matter whether she actually eats during dinner?
Just being able to cook in relative peace (relative — LOL — it always is, especially when you have a baby/young toddler) is worth that one little bit of TV time, and then I think to myself, I will have a calmer hour before hubby comes home, and I can drink a glass of wine while I cook and then when he comes home I won’t be frazzled and desperate.
It also motivates me *not* to use TV at other times in the day, because I want to “save” it for the later time. That last hour was the worst one of the day when I had only little people, and I could push through earlier stress in the day if I knew that hour was going to be not horrible on a regular basis.
Don’t do loud, crazy shows; just something nice and fun. I think Auntie Leila has a post about this.
When they got older this became required outside time, or piano practice time, or whatever. But sometimes I still do a show, after they’ve cleaned up and set the table (my oldest is 11, and I have four kids).
The peace at that worst hour makes it all so much better. I stopping wanting to kill my husband when he would walk in at, in our case, 5:01 instead of 5:00 sharp, and instead could actually say, “hey, honey, how are you?”
5:01…the nerve of him…
Dixie says
Oh, and a REALLY BIG snack for them *and you* sometime during 3-5!!
Donna L. says
Oh, Dixie–I laughed so hard at the: “5:01 …the nerve of him…” Thank you for that! I wish I had all of this good advice years ago-but somehow, we made it through! God bless you all~
Nicole says
The show idea! Thank you for reminding me of this tool! We would do a show daily in the winter, but as the weather warms, I start to get twitchy with screens while the sun is shining 🤪 but that little bit of peace I think is absolutely worth it, especially if we can all rally to tidy up beforehand. And then I can just kick everyone outside after! 🙌
(We have 4 children, ages 6, 4, 2, and 9mos. So there are some things that have gotten easier, like our eldest reading to herself and occupying herself very easily and mostly peacefully, and even getting her younger siblings involved and trying to help them if they’re upset and my hands are busy. Eve our 4yo will run to our baby’s rescue if she’s crying! So sweet. All to say, it is amazing how much they learn and grow as they get bigger!)
Anyway, thank you for the suggestion and the reminder that peace should reign! And that I have the tools to make it work! Also love that idea of walks later in the replies here and I believe another commenter mentioned the beautiful simplicity of walks around the block – what takes an adult 5 minutes takes a crew of littles up to half an hour! So many things to see!
Nicole says
And the snack, yes! Definitely a necessity. And baby does love to snack/play/be worn while I cook.
Haha “the nerve” indeed! So funny.
Dixie says
Nicole, I am only a few years ahead of you in parenting, but I have to say that something really does change when you get to having an 8-year-old or so. You are almost there!
My 10-year-old just mowed the lawn for the first time today. Mowed. The. Lawn. !!
It will happen!! Hang in there — you sound like a great mom!
Nicole says
Oh, you are sweet 🤗 I can see the horizon!!
Mowing the lawn, congrats!! 💃👏🙌 Our 2yo loves to drag his plastic lawn mower around after Papa when he mows, so cute! That will be a fun day for us when it becomes a kid chore!!
Karolyn says
Yes! The days can feel so long! I know this isn’t very practical advice, but it really does get easier when there are bigger kids in the mix!
When I only had tiny ones we went for so many walks! Super short, down the street and back. But they were so much happier outside. I’d stick dinner in the oven and go out for 20 minutes. And water? They still love any kind of water. I’d plop them in the bath for as long as they’re be happy and read books. sometimes kids books, but so much better if I could read my own books.
Mine also liked the car, so when I was super desperate and gas was cheaper, we’d just go for a drive.
Also, i carried my baby on my chest or back for such a long time. He was happier and I could get some chores done.
Mainly, though, I tried really hard not to check the time every 5 minutes hoping my husband would be home!;) And occasionally lean into the desperately bored anxious feeling so in a few, short, years when the day flies by you can remember how it used to be! Good luck!