You have a four-year-old, a two-year-old, and a little baby, eh? Or something like that? I have a little pep talk for you if you feel conflicted about needing to do some work in your home but not wanting to be a mean mom who doesn't play with her kids. You're getting exhausted and life might not feel like it's fun right now, because you feel guilty.
You are entering a new stage. You really have to run your home — who will do it if you don't?
Your children need to learn to play without you. Being efficient in your housework and seeing it as your work is a positive good and you should not feel guilty about it.
In a well ordered home, children fit into family life and its workings — this is good for them. It's actually not healthy for them to feel that you are at their beck and call. Don't absorb advice from every source; hone your observation and note a certain anxiety, a lack of peace, in families where the mother sees herself as recreation director and child-appeaser rather than house-keeper, maker of the home.
Children — love them! — are opportunistic; they never settle down if they think mom will come running and doesn't have other things to do than to play with them. Many interpret this dynamic to mean that mother should work outside the home, but being beholden to an outside entity is not good either. You want to be available and devoted, but not to the children per se — to the home, to your husband, and to the whole enterprise, into which they must fit — for their own good.
You can navigate this stage you with littles if it's got you off kilter by treating it as a bit of a challenge, like a difficult course where you just have to put the work in for a few weeks. Maybe you need to figure out your particular child's play style, to do what you can to facilitate it.
Believe me, it's a joy when children can play on their own without your involvement. But some have to learn to do it. Some children really do need to be shown how to play with their little dolls or trucks or play kitchen, some need to discover outside play without someone hovering, some can't figure out how to settle down to drawing, and so on. This process can involve a little pain, a little crying, a bit of sitting there moping and scowling — and the kids will find it tough too… Just kidding. Stay cheerful and offer the occasional outright bribe. Soon you will win through.
At this age, they won't really spend much time on any one activity — hang in there, because soon enough they will be old enough to have a concentration level (and the younger ones will get the hang of it from the older ones as your family grows). Keep working on it. This time is a process and it's a bit rough — it's the same sort of developmental stage as the postpartum time. Remember that? Remember how impossible it sometimes seemed?
It may take weeks to discover your new rhythm and how to achieve it, but you are the one to do it, to show them how to play together without your constant presence.
The key is to have your day divided into different blocks so that they build habits of turning from one activity to another without a crisis.
Of course, several times a day you collect them to read them a story – nursing the baby is the perfect time — or have them sit with you in the kitchen while you work on a meal. You need a rest too, and cuddles with undivided attention come naturally at those pauses. When your work is orderly, there will actually be more (guilt-free) time for individual attention, not less!
When you are tidying up, you can give them a task or two and you might find that they prefer to play — the wise mother will let these young children do so, to reinforce that very habit. Don't undermine this project of independent play by suddenly requiring dogged (and unrealistic) obedience in the matter of chores. One thing at a time.
Meet other moms at the playground and indicate to them that you are interested in visiting with them while the children run and play — avoid spending a lot of time at the swings! Say “I'll give you some pushes but then you will need to go off with your friends and I'm going to visit with my friends too! Off you go.”
To avoid worrying about being the mean mom, remember — act, don't react. When you are about to enter the store or library, stop and give these troublemakers a little pep talk about what you expect. Know that the four-year-old is the lynchpin, for whatever he does, the two-year-old will imitate.
Focus on letting him know that if he misbehaves you will leave the store and go straight home, where he will get a spanking. “You're my big boy (or girl) and I depend on you for good behavior.”
Tell them that if they shop with you nicely you will get them a treat — tell them what the treat is beforehand and warn them that if they ask for other things they will get nothing. The treat can be animal crackers — nothing fancy! You can indeed open it in the store (the cookie aisle is usually halfway through) and let them start munching. No one cares — actually, they are relieved that your kids are not whining.
Carrot and stick, but all laid out beforehand. “If you ask me for things you will get a spanking when we get home.” Be firm and clear about your expectations. Then sail into the store with great confidence. Don't forget to enjoy your children.
Plan your trip so that it's as short as it can be. Build them up to good behavior on outings. Don't expect to go through the store in that wandering way we sometimes have, spending an hour examining everything. Better to go twice with a detailed list, spending 22 minutes each time, than once, spending an hour but with wailing kids. You're building habits and you want them to succeed, so make it possible for them to succeed! Don't push your luck! In and out. “We're going through this line and then when we get to the car I'll give you your raisin box. Look at that bunch of balloons! Aren't they colorful?”
These strategies work for home time as well, when you approach each part of your day as “an outing” that requires a little preparation and forethought. That's why I have spent so much time here at Like Mother, Like Daughter on meal planning, because when we ourselves are sort of meandering through the day without a plan, astonished at 5 pm that dinner is looming, how can we expect our toddlers to maintain a good attitude?
“Now I have to go into the kitchen and do some work for supper; why don't you get the duplo out and build a farm?” “I'm putting baby on this blanket so she can look around. You two get your baby dolls and feed them lunch, or line up your trucks over here and have a convoy.” “In a minute I'm going to do the laundry; you two can run outside — here are some pretzel rods to take with you.” (I am a big fan of pretzel rods. They are sturdy and they take a while to eat.)
If you do your meal prep at 10 am (or at least know what you are having and begin thawing/braising/soaking) you will find that things are a lot smoother than if you do it at 4:45… If at 3:30 you sit them down with a little snack for “tea time” things will be calmer than if you suddenly realize all you have to do before supper and they are starving because you also spaced out on a snack. Front-end your own work and leave the afternoons for a more relaxed vibe.
This stage won't last long and all your efforts will pay off! If these two older ones learn good habits, your work is done. All the others will fall into line, or at least, their training needs will diminish accordingly! By your sixth child, you won't even remember that toddler days are hard.
By the way, there might be some big-picture elements to attend to for smoother days. How about a fence around your yard (even the part of it that is just outside the back door)? A big sandbox is a great investment. Put unused toys on a high shelf or back in a closet. Pull them out when they have exhausted their play with the others. (This strategy can also help you remove toy clutter permanently — it becomes all very clear which ones are simply not missed.)
See how it goes. Give these thoughts a week of intensive implementation. Plan each day out before you get to it; visualize all the steps you need to line up for each activity. Get ahead of your children. Carve out times for them to play all on their own.
Do your own work without guilt. It's good for them to discover each other and their own independence!
You're a good mom!
bits & pieces
- Bitcoin, who understands it. The Morality of Bitcoin by Eric Sammons
- Intruiging: a painting within a Vermeer, discovered
- Planned Parenthood has found a new societal ill to monetize: hormones for gender “transitioning”. “Hormone therapy has become popular as a means of artificially suppressing the sex characteristics of those who feel misaligned with their biological sex.”
- It should be obvious that a person cannot change his sex, but sadly, the protocols to administer dangerous medicines are in place in the US. Read about Kiera Bell's case in the UK.
from the archives
- First rule of discipline: Act, Don't React
- A long, meandering post (am I the worst blogger or what) that finally gets to the point about whether spanking is good discipline (well, that part is linked within, but meanwhile I explain why withholding affection is actually cruel).
liturgical living
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Mariana says
Goodness! I needed to read this today. And I only have a teething one year old. Thank you for the advice and support. ❤️
Candice says
So good. Especially the part about eventually by your sixth child you will forget toddler days are hard. Yes! My sixth child is 2. And gosh I enjoy these days so much now! I used to feel guilty about not playing with my kids much. And I wondered if my house was too clean. Especially when my doctor’s office had a sign that read something like “The cobwebs will stay, but the children won’t.” I mean, it’s true, but it creates so much guilt for doing the things we have to do! I went through a whole period where I second guessed everything I was doing. So many voices on so many sides, all telling me to feel guilty and that what I was doing was somehow wrong! Thankfully the turmoil stayed mostly on the inside and I continued to do what I was doing (mostly because I couldn’t see any other way that made sense!). We are dealing with the rewards now. My children (including my teenagers) are hardworking, sweet, they know how to play, they (mostly) respect when I have work, and they help! Of course they also fight with each other (and me!) now and then, and are definitely not perfect. But neither am I. And now I can see the wisdom behind what we were doing. I have a longer view. The toddler makes messes, we have to stop what we are doing to make sure he’s not causing too much trouble, we have to read to the smaller ones, and it’s all so so good.
Catherine says
Excellent post, as always! Forwarding this to my sister, who told us today she’s expecting her third child; her oldest is 2.5.
Blayne says
I started reading your blog 10 years ago when my first child was just a baby; “If these two older ones learn good habits, your work is done,” that is so true! Now I have 5 children: 10, 7, 5, 3, and 15 months. Thank you for wisdom! It has blessed my life in countless ways! ❤️
Natalie Boudreau says
I’m with you! Been reading for 10 years and always so encouraging!!
Lauren says
I also started reading your blog when my first child was about 6, and he is now 11 and our sixth baby is 6 months old. I am so thankful that I found you. Our 4 and 3 year olds do not seem too difficult. I was happy to see that I am somewhat competent at what you talk about here, but a lot of it is a good reminder too! Thank you again.
Annie says
Needed this! My oldest (and currently only) kiddos are twins, now almost 21 months, and we just moved into a house twice as big as our little apartment we’d lived in their whole life. The transition has been so… much! Clinging to these words of yours: “If these two older ones learn good habits, your work is done.” Your lips to God’s ears!!!
Rosemary says
Annie, as a fellow twin mom (mine are almost 8), I want to reassure you that your goal right now is survival, and YOU WILL MAKE IT. <3 Life with young twins is simply chaotic and I think it takes longer for habits to settle when you have multiple littles in the same developmental phase. But it will get easier!
Annie says
I so appreciate that encouragement!! And that’s good to hear about habits with twins… there are so many things that are different, having two the same age and stage, and they’re my first/only so I have no comparison!!
Amy A. says
Hi Annie! Another twin mom here, mine are 6 and I have a 3 year old too. I 100% agree with Rosemary, you will make it and it will get easier! In the spirit of adding to Auntie Leila’s post, here are some specific things that worked for me when I was in your shoes.
1) Yours are so little that they are still in high chairs for meals, and probably most snacks too. This is an EXCELLENT time to do some quick dinner prep or kitchen cleanup while they are contained – can you shred the cheese? Chop the celery and onions? Load the dishwasher and wipe the counters? These little things do make you more efficient at making dinner in the short period that they can amuse themselves, but that period will get longer as they get older. They can also play with playdough while strapped into high chairs with trays, which in my experience buys you at least 15 minutes!
2) Similarly, meals that you can put in the oven, crockpot, Instant Pot, etc. are very useful right now. This was the time when I switched from a baked mac and cheese with a homemade sauce to an IP recipe that has basically two steps and uses only the IP pot. I also purposely asked for an IP when my twins were 3 and I had a newborn because we eat a lot of rice and I didn’t have time to watch it and make sure it wouldn’t boil over or burn on the stovetop anymore!
3) Set up a safe space in your house where they can just rampage and get them used to being in it and playing together while you are nearby but not involved. This is the foundation of independent play – in our house it is also known as benign neglect 😉 We childproofed their bedroom and I used to bring them in there, shut the door, and fold piles of laundry on top of their dresser or make brief phone calls (schedule a dr. appointment, follow up with the accountant, etc.) while they rampaged around, wrestling each other and banging toys on the wall. (My twins are boys, can you tell?!? 🙂
4) Finally, the big kahuna – Auntie Leila has a post somewhere about a bean box. Basically, get a shallow storage bin (think the ones you use for underbed storage) and put about an inch of dry beans or rice in it. Put an old shower curtain or vinyl tablecloth under it, even a small tarp if that’s what you have and set it up within eyesight but not underfoot. Toss in some cars or trucks to drive through the mix, add cups for pouring, paper towel tubes for burying, etc. Is this messy? Yes, though the tablecloth makes a big difference, do not skip it. Are you going to have to teach them “No throwing rice” and “Rice stays in the bin”? Yes, for a few days, and it goes away when they don’t listen. They’ll catch on. Is it worth it? It was for me when I could pull that thing out and strap the baby to my front (and later my back) and cook dinner while keeping an eye on them!
Good luck! You can do it, and in just a few short years they will run into their room and shut the door and play together happily and independently . . . until they start fighting over the Matchbox cars or the Legos or whatever 😉
Annie says
Yesssss I like the sound of all of this!! I have been meaning to do rainbow rice or something of that kind for a while… I just emptied out some plastic storage containers that will work great for that so I’ll have to do it soon! And yes crock pot meals are key, or anything like enchiladas or baked pasta that can be prepped during naptime and put in the oven later 😂
Amy A. says
Believe me, I could go on – if you would like to connect directly let me know, I’d be happy to talk to you via email or Zoom or whatever! Encouragement and new ideas are so key at times like this. I’ll never forget the time when a fellow mom told me that if your toddler is fighting laying down for a diaper change, as long as they are only wet just change them standing up! Blew my mind and made diaper changes SO MUCH EASIER!
Jessica says
As always, Auntie Leila manages to make mothering manageable!!! Thank you!
Rosemary says
My youngest is 4, and I don’t know if it’s because she’s still our “baby” and probably a bit spoiled (by her brothers as much as anyone!), but she is NOT following along the path of her siblings the way I’d hoped. I’ve never had such a challenging 4 year old. This post is full of good reminders, especioally about action vs reaction.
Emily says
What would you suggest for sisters (5 and 3) who fight as soon as I leave the room? I want them to play without me but I feel like I can’t leave them unsupervised without one hurting the other!
MamaB says
I think Auntie L has an excellent post on this—look up sibling rivalry. But I would also suggest modeling what do to in an argument for them—for example, “May I have a turn please?” Help them focus on their tone of voice with one another, and have them repeat after you until they have made their request in an acceptable tone of voice. Also, encourage friendship between them in other moments—sharing a room (though it also leads to fighting in the short term) often leads to great bonding between our kids. Or doing something special that they can enjoy together—when two of ours were often at each other’s throats we’d let those two ride bikes & get ice cream on occasion (obviously older, but same basic idea). And then letting them have time separate from each other and also separate friends, as they get older, so that not so much pressure is put on just that one relationship.
Mary Keane says
I’m expecting my sixth baby soon, I forgot that toddler days were hard, and I’m sort of back in them now that my three big kids are going to school. This was a very timely post for me as well. On school days my four-year-old and toddler are naturally looking to me to fill the absence of their siblings. I’m not homeschooling anymore, but I still have plenty to do! More, really, since I can’t rely on as much help from kids during the day as I did. I have to do the lunch dishes now for the first time in ages, for example. Time to learn to entertain yourselves, littles.
Donna L. says
Hello and thank you for the reminder that “this is your job and it is a lot of work–but it will get easier when you put the time in now”
I have learned a great deal about our faith and family life from this site–and only have a small point that may help~
I want to encourage some dear readers to find other ways to discipline–besides spanking. Jim Fay had a great book that I liked about discipline and natural consequences. Another book about positive discipline had a similar plan and spoke of helping our children by creating an inner voice of correct behavior once the children are of age and can think their actions through. One example given noted that when we are pulled over by a police officer, he or she does not pull us out of our car and hit us or hurt us when we have broken a law or sped or what have you. The infraction is stated and the officer simply hands us the ticket and leaves. As parents it behooves us to appeal to their intellect and maturity-sometimes we had to wait! If someone said to me, “Well, what if your 3 year-old daughter ran out after a ball into the street without looking? Wouldn’t you spank her to punish her?” No, I wouldn’t. You cannot spank/hit/swat them into being smarter and mature enough to know better. They must be taught and also trained. All they see is that there is someone who loves them that is hurting them–how does that truly help?
I grew up in a blended family situation where the spankings were out of control–borderline abuse. I am certain that for that reason I chose to seek out other solutions–There are other ways to guide that may be better for some families…Just a thought…hope it helps someone out there who is wondering~
Thank you Auntie Leila and may God richly bless you!
Leila says
Dear Donna, I address these and other thoughts in my spanking document (which isn’t easy to find here on the blog but which will be in the book). https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jg3jlsguDdDLARMMe9BxAkB_f_LIzLNjmjpZ3RsbHQ0/preview
There are many good ways to discipline and some that are not good (I urge parents to eradicate anything that smacks of emotional manipulation). Not every way works for each child. Not every parent can spank — but, the real issue is whether the child is disciplined or unruly; that is, what is good for the child, not the parent. Spanking is a tool in the box, and as I say in my document, The effectively spanking parent only has to spank rarely.
Thanks, Donna — always good to hear from you! God bless!
cirelo says
I hear the “policemen don’t spank you” argument frequently from the positive discipline crowd. I find it flawed because I think it is a straw man of the spanking position. Police have authority via their office which we are duty bound to follow. That authority carries with it quite a bit of power over us including that if we refuse to obey that authority, even in lesser ways, will move to physical force over us and the removal of our freedom. You and I do not carry that authority over each other because we are not in those roles in relation to each other. You ARE in that role in relation to your child! The parent has the due authority over that child. Just as a policeman has a sacred duty to not abuse his authority so do we have as parents the sacred duty to honor the dignity of our children and to not abuse them. If we want children who respect and honor those we give authority to in our society, like teachers, police, etc. we have to believe in our own authority over that child because of our role. I believe our duty to our discipline our children may include (but is not limited to) appropriate corporal punishment. I would guess that you might say that any physical punishment is a violation of the child’s dignity. but I haven’t yet seen any parent never physically restrain their child so I don’t understand why that gets a pass as restraint is just as much corporal punishment. The positive discipline movement smacks hard to me of trying to eradicate social order which I’m not really in a hurry to be rid of, yet. . .
Donna L. says
Corporal punishment or a physical punishment is a punishment which is intended to cause physical pain to a person. Whether you prefer to call it spanking or paddling- it’s still “hitting” a child.
If hitting a child isn’t wrong, then nothing is…
I grow weary of the spanking-as-discipline crowd because I have witnessed many parents who are angry a lot or lazy in the area of discipline and believe that they have authority and power over their child and must control them using any means necessary. The concern with this thinking is that they have confused “discipline” with “punishment”. They react in a hurtful way to the child’s mistakes and misbehaviors and do not put the time and effort into disciplining their child{ren} properly. That’s a tragedy.
A “strawman” argument is one that is convoluted and without basis. The simplified point I was trying to make using the police officer example is that natural consequences are part of everyday life. Teaching our youth about natural consequences and respectful consequences to their actions, is a great way to train and teach children how to act correctly. You break the rules and there is a consequence—However, the consequences in the real world are rarely enforced with corporal punishment and pain. Prison, jails, slaves in custody are but a few exceptions to this, obviously.
There are dozens of studies that have been done over the past 50 years that have shown spanking or hitting a child to be detrimental to their person. Not one study has found otherwise. It can erode the sense of love and respect between parent and child. It teaches the child to deal with problems in a violent and physical way. The evidence shows that physical punishment is stunningly deleterious at every developmental level. Besides these outcomes, it is quite simply impossible to punish misbehavior out of a child. Corporal punishment does not work as a long-term solution to misbehavior. Period.
I do not believe that restraining and hitting are the same thing at all. They are not. If we are in a moving vehicle and we stop suddenly, my arm instinctively flies out to restrain and protect whoever is in the front passenger seat. The key word is “violation” of the child’s dignity and I think that corporal punishment is a much more obvious violation of the child’s dignity—and that of the parent who delivers the punishment There are so many better and more effective ways of rearing children. Why not do the very best thing for our children? If there wasn’t any other way, then it’d be different. Fortunately, there are a myriad of solutions that work amazingly well!
When I mentioned that perhaps *some* dear readers may want to search for another way to discipline, that is what I meant. Just because someone disagrees with your authoritarian style of parenting, doesn’t mean that their reasoning is erroneous. For my husband and I, we determined that an authoritative parenting style works best for our children and our whole family- our children are grown and well-behaved and respectful. We enjoy being with them and we are so proud of the people they have become and will be in the future. We are blessed indeed. It has taken a tremendous amount of time, patience, perseverance, God’s grace, and prayer to get us where we are today.
“Smacks hard to me”…trying to eradicate social order? Pun intended, I guess–LOL!
Leila says
Of course, I have offered MANY thoughts on ALL the different ways to discipline. Parents need a lot of wisdom to bring children up, and a lot of tools.
One other thing I’ve tried to convey here is that I think we can’t really base what we do on “experts” of our era, because their assumptions are incorrect and go very deep. I have always warned against consulting mainstream parenting experts!
One thing they seem to start with is a picture of parents of the past (before they came along, these experts) going around smacking their children and never speaking to them kindly, offering explanations, or being willing to work with their temperaments. Right there we have a suspicious set of priors.
On the contrary, my observation is that parents of today either ignore or simply fail to discipline at all (resorting to entertaining them into submission) or manipulate them emotionally. And still end up smacking them. (None of this is personal, Donna — as you know, I haven’t observed your family at all, and from what I can tell, you are exemplary parents. I try here to offer principles based on the collective memory. No one should feel defensive because I simply don’t know the particulars.)
However, above all, Auntie Leila stands for parents doing what they think best — and paying attention to how it’s all working out.
I really encourage people to read what I have written on this topic of spanking: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jg3jlsguDdDLARMMe9BxAkB_f_LIzLNjmjpZ3RsbHQ0/preview
Donna L. says
Hello Auntie Leila~
I appreciate you and your MANY thoughts! We need them! I am nodding along while I read what you are saying as well as what you have written in your archived posts–yes, to many things. I rarely consult parenting *experts*– as so many of them do not even have children! {!} I truly did not take anything that you said personally–I felt a bit attacked by another reader’s response. But, you know what? I am over it now 🙂 May God bless you and keep you~
Rebecca says
Yes, I do have a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and a baby (well 15 months), so I needed this post! Thank you!
Based in part on reading your blog for years, I have always made independent play a focus for my kids. The older two are starting to get there! Recently I have found myself saying “swing on your tummy!!!” at the park because I can’t keep up with pushing 3 kids on the swings. After the first day or two they don’t seem to mind. 🙂
Anne Marie says
Auntie Leila, many thanks. You’ve given us the ideal in the past but I have had no idea how to achieve it, and was left frazzled knowing that I should be able to get housework done and mortally offended that my children still expected to me to entertain them. Sadly the best thing I could come up with was decreeing, “This isn’t a carnival cruise and I’m not Kathie Lee Gifford!” Which was ineffective.
MamaB says
This is all so excellent! Well do I remember those days. I would also add that time at the park or time outside to wear them out a bit helps a lot—especially if you have multiple boys! (I have 5.). I always find mine are better at playing amongst themselves if their bodies have had a little time to run around, and their toys seem new again after a little time away.
Ginni says
As I do every Saturday morning, with a cup of tea: Thank you, Lord, for Auntie Leila. This morning I went down the rabbit trail of your older posts. I really think that this kind of parenting is on the level that must be made into those public service commercials from the 80’s. I do not have any peers near me following this eloquent how-to advice. Yet, it works so well in our home! Praying that all is going well with your book.
A sideline inquiry: Our older daughter is a homeschooled sophomore, and we are getting to that time to contemplate colleges, majors, and all of that heavy stuff. How did you handle it all with your children? Did your children prepare for the big standardized tests, and did that outcome matter to your family? Did you direct them toward studying things in college that fit them, or did you direct them toward a particular skillset? All of our public-schooled friends throw their children (and their “moral upbringings”) out the door at 18, hoping that sororities and fraternities bring lots of friends and exciting experimentation. We will not do that. I find that the “Catholic” colleges have good PR, but I hear whispers against the places that I would like to send her. It is frustrating. I do not know how to judge even a “Newman” choice. We will visit our second university from the Newman list next month. Do you have any advice as to how to judge where to go, and/or how to proceed at this stage of the journey? Thank you!
Dixie says
Ginni, I teach part-time (and my husband teaches full-time) at a Newman Guide college. The Newman Guide is a great place to start! But of course there are a number of schools listed, and you and your daughter will want to consider academics, faculty, social life, extracurriculars, location, price, etc…it does feel a bit overwhelming!
I don’t know what the “whispers” you hear are specifically, but I would encourage you to remember that there are drawbacks to every college, and no college can create a perfect environment. People can have strong feelings about colleges, too, and there are rivalries, and there is gossip. Sometimes a college changes over the years. Sometimes the marketing is aimed at a particular type of Catholic and it can come off as weird to others…it’s okay. You’ll find a good place for her. There are probably several that would be a good fit, so you’re unlikely to make a bad decision.
I would encourage you and your daughter to get in touch with faculty at the colleges you’re considering (just e-mail them!). They know the ins and outs and usually are very interested in helping students figure out what’s best for them (as opposed to pushing them in one direction or another). They can also discuss your concerns with you, if you have any. And definitely sit in on some classes when you go to a school, and chat with some current students! I know that our college arranges student ambassadors and class schedules for visitors who ask, and I’m sure that others do, too.
lisa says
I have a junior and a senior. This is great advice and timely as we do college visits this fall. Thank you!
Leila says
Thanks, Ginni!
I agree that parents have to choose colleges wisely — and even choose whether college is the right path. At the age of 18, the young person should have some strong thoughts about it all, and it’s also wise to have good long conversations about those thoughts. If the student will die if she doesn’t go to school in a city, you should take that into account if possible. If he needs to be close to home, don’t send him far away. And so on.
I really encourage parents to send their kids who are seriously interested in a particular Newman-guide college (if you don’t know what that is, go here: https://newmansociety.org/college/) to go to a couple of summer programs offered by those colleges. It’s a good way to get a feel for that intangible something that sets each one apart. You’ll meet some professors, some current students, and some alumni. You’ll get to know the campus. There is really no better way to convey the culture of the place than actually going there for a week or two. And it’s always fun, plus you learn something!
If that isn’t possible, certainly a campus visit at least for a day (apart from parents) is worthwhile.
Since my older children have graduated, a decisive change has come over mainstream campuses. Due to gender ideology, you may find that your child will have to lie — actually commit the sin of lying — to be part of the community, by being made to call a man a woman or vice versa. That is not acceptable and there’s no way to rationalize it. Some are less insistent than others, but buyer — and I mean big-bucks-spender — beware.
Also don’t let your child get into, or get you into, big debt for college. Really scrutinize the expenditure. Don’t limit their (and/or your) freedom later on by incurring a big debt. It’s fine and even advisable for the student to take time off to make money for this enterprise!
Our Bridget went to Thomas More College in Merrimack, NH, and my husband teaches a course at least one semester a year there (very popular!). That school has many positive qualities. Each of the others has as well. Of course, each one also has drawbacks. Certainly, when your child has a burning interest or talent, it makes sense to seek out a college that offers scope for it.
As to the whispers, there really is a certain culture on each campus. You will come away with a feel for it and conversations with representatives will gradually unfold for you what is going on.
If anyone has specific questions, email me — I will try to answer!
Nicole says
This is lovely encouragement as I sit outside with my three littles – 5, 3, and 1.5 – playing on their own before dinner. I’m also due with our fourth in a few weeks, so I find that their independence is imperative not only so I can get one or two things done during the day but so that I can also spend enough time resting throughout the day!
Nicole Cox says
I had my first four within 5 years also! It’s so nice to actually have playmates that close in age. While extremely fatiguing and sometimes chaotic, it’s wonderful for the siblings, and completely removes the need for mom to entertain! (They usually shoo me away if I get too up in their business while they play elaborate imaginary games 🙂
Nicole says
Fatiguing and chaotic are right! 😄 But I agree, seeing their relationships bloom is just so beautiful and I have definitely caught myself just lost in watching them sometimes so in awe of them and the love they have so naturally for each other.
And our kids are the same way! They have their own little worlds that are totally shattered if we try to add anything or comment – so we’ve learned to keep our distance! Not complaining! 😄
Suzette says
” By your sixth child, you won’t even remember that toddler days are hard.”
LOL! I have definitely been blindsided by the 5th and 6th toddler – I don’t think I’m quite as saavy as you! Thank you for the encouragement!
Meaghen says
I’m a bit late to the comment game, but got to this post from this week’s newsletter. I have a question for you about getting from an awareness of how things should be to implementing them. You say:
“The key is to have your day divided into different blocks so that they build habits of turning from one activity to another without a crisis.”
What are those different blocks?? (In general; I know everyone’s different.) You mention prepping dinner at 10am (this was a big head smack moment for me—I’d known your advice to “know what you’re having for dinner by 10am” for quite some time, but hadn’t connected the dots of actually prepping it) and having a tea-time at 3:30pm. How else do you divide the day that works for both moms and children?
Leila says
These are the sorts of things that I think would be good to ponder during prayer time, looking over your days and seeing the things that simply must be done or must happen for things to go smoothly, and then schedule them in! Of course there must be flexibility (and family life imposes flexibility or you will expire!).
But basically, It might look like this:
One block is the morning routine that needs to be as calm as can be, and not always rushed and frantic.
If there is a baby, there is morning nap time, when perhaps the older children can have a chapter of a book read aloud. Or maybe the big nursing session in mid-morning is a good time for that. You can check your menu and prep (mentally or physically or both haha) supper – at least take something out of the freezer.
If you read my “reasonably clean house” posts, you might have morning chores, with you doing some task of tidying and so on, and processing laundry.
Often the “morning block” involves an outing.
Then there is prep for lunch, that usually entails some clean-up of books and toys and a transition towards washing up and eating.
Rest after lunch is a big “block” that goes a long way to establishing a rhythm, with the older kids going outside for a while on their own while you put your feet up, but at some point, sitting down with a book for at least half an hour so that the day is not just one activity after another.
If the afternoon involved an outing, I always liked trying to put a hard end point to it so that I was home making supper by 4 or 4:30. You won’t be serving supper at a reasonable time (for most people with young children, 5:30 or 6 makes the most sense) if you aren’t home to get it ready. If you can’t be home, then you have to have something waiting for you (that’s where the menu plan comes in, so you know ahead of time to get this ready).
Then the evening block of Rosary, bedtime routines for those who need you and settling down to quiet play or reading for the older ones or perhaps, in the summer, heading outside for an evening basketball or streetball game and so on. And night prayer.
If there are animals, they get fit into those blocks, so you aren’t just nagging to get them tended to.
But this is my preference, geared towards a more suburban home, sports schedules, and so on. Someone on a farm might have things look quite different. The main point is to think about it beforehand so that there is a rhythm and “the next thing” isn’t quite so dependent on your say-so, and more what everyone expects. It’s all the things you do, but in a pattern that is recognizable and somewhat firm, so you don’t either let things go because you forgot about them or do too much and burn out. And no one is surprised!