I guess this is turning into a bit of a series. I keep getting emails… since many fall along similar themes, let's discuss.
The basic idea coming through the mail is that Mom feels bad because she didn't heed my toddler advice, and now she is worried that her child is not disciplined. He comes home, maybe from school or an outside event for homeschoolers, acting grumpy and not showing an obedient spirit. I will mainly talk about school, but some of the factors apply to homeschoolers as well when they have an unusually long day out and about.
Auntie Leila is all for obedience, but please remember that a child out in the world is really under stress. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it is a thing. And now, in many places, children are not able to act normally, even when the old normal was already pretty darned restricted. Even before lockdowns and pandemic regulations, children were already not allowed much in the way of recess at school, and just what we call here at the Manse “getting your ya-yas out.”
But now it's truly grievous. Children are kept apart, which is incomprehensible to them. Masks are making them miserable and often sick. Most of all, they certainly get the impression from the world that they are unclean and sources of contagion. This summer I encountered many masked children out in the wilderness (in 100° heat) with unmasked parents. I get the supposed logic; so do they: it's that they are the problem and are putting everyone at risk.
I'm sure the teachers aren't handling super well the mental strain of relating to many young people whose faces are covered, not to mention the staffing shortages that are making everyone testy. You don't think children sense the general anxiety?
Even in the best of circumstances, and especially when we are talking about boys, the schoolchild has spent all day away from home, holding it together internally. He has to cope with people he doesn't necessarily mesh with and lots of noise and other stimuli. Even the smells are a challenge.
In his mind, home is the refuge where his inner sense of having been tested continually, which he could never put into words, is understood. At home he feels can totally relax and not have to be on alert for crazy, seemingly random adult standards. At home things smell right and there is peace.
Some of that conflict is necessary; our responsibility is to help the child gradually let go of the idea that he can go on totally abandoning himself to his animal nature or the infant nature that we all subconsciously long for — to have our every need taken care of without having to do anything, like a little baby.
But an essential part of what the child feels is true; we should respect his trust and not make arrival at home the time to rectify all the problems. At re-entry, the child should find a mother who is understanding and sympathetic at a basic level, a mother with a little pity for her child along with her plans for his betterment. So she should make home welcoming, nice smelling, and orderly. And she herself should be the welcome.
Trust me when I tell you that I was not the best at this. I often put my adult anxieties on my children and neglected to make that effort to see things from their point of view. I hope that you can learn from my immaturity. One thing I've learned is that I'm impatient when I've not been doing my own duty, am truly overcommitted, or am not realizing that everyone makes mistakes and I could show them the grace I'd like for myself.
So the key learning here is that when he comes home, you really need to greet him with a smile and a hug. Smile at him before he smiles at you. Really write this down on your to-do list: Smile at him when he comes in or gets in the car. Hug him. Every single day. When your 5- or 8- or 11-year-old becomes an adolescent you probably will need to pull back a little, so get the hugs in now.
Say his name with love and a nice little exclamation point. You know, everyone loves hearing his own name said with affection! Don't just emit a weak “hi,” moving on to demands. Say, “Tommy! Hi!” Hide every feeling of irritation and exasperation for at least let's say a quarter of an hour, no matter how grouchy and positively disheveled he may appear, so that his first encounter with you is one that ratifies the inner happiness he feels at coming home.
Remember, a lot of what you are seeing is attitude because children often put on an especially pitiful demeanor for their mothers. Don't react to attitude but meet it with genuine cheerfulness and even a sense of humor if you can muster it. Ruffle his hair. After decompression, address any issues and give any orders calmly and in a pleasant tone of voice.
In order to achieve or even have a slim chance at approximating this peaceful situation, front-end your housework. Yes, children need to do chores at home, but make sure your chores are done so that they aren't working in disorder, and give them a chance to switch gears. After all, it's hardly fair to ask a mere child to be more in control of life than you are yourself!
Supper needs to be thought through/defrosted/prepped by 10 am so that at 4:30 pm you aren't losing your cool because your offspring are so incapable of planning ahead. So yes, this means spending your morning preparing for your evening.
Give your arriving child a chance to wash up without hurrying him. If he's been wearing a mask (I hope not!), make sure he washes his face. After he has changed his clothes, offer a snack (it can be very simple — bread and butter with a glass of milk is nice, as are graham crackers with cream cheese — no need to Pinterest it up). Let him flop a bit.
Cultivate this important skill: don't demand responses from him right way. Don't ask him how his day was! “How was your day?” is one of the most taxing questions for anyone to answer at the best of times; it's particularly difficult for a person who has been drained of all survival energy units in every way.
In a bit, if he hasn't contentedly run outside to frolic, you can say something like, “Did you talk to anyone interesting today?” Or, “Did you have time to play with your friends?” Try to remember what was said yesterday and ask a follow-up on the specifics. Or if you keep a wise silence, you might find that he opens up unexpectedly, and tells you things about his day that you were unaware of.
Mainly I want to say, don't waste time lamenting the past and your various failures. I am sure you did better than you think, because it is human nature to regret what went before, and also, God wants us to be humble.
Just begin again now. It's never too late to try to be understanding, to have insight into what those we love are possibly struggling with, and to express a little more affection, even as you strive to instill good habits of obedience and discipline in the troops at home.
Lots of love and a big hug!
bits & pieces
- Last week saw the 700th anniversary of Dante Alighieri's death. I didn't post then, so I am catching up now! Here is an interesting article about the celebrations. At the Chief's Center, Robert Royal gave a fascinating talk about what The Divine Comedy says to us today. Here you can see 700 years of that work in art.
- Speaking of podcasts at the Center, I forgot to share with you the one that he did with moi! If you want to hear the two of us talking about my book, newly printed in its 2nd edition, of God Has No Grandchildren, here you go:
- You can find all the podcasts on the site, and other cultural nuggets, here.
- I was interviewed by the gracious Brooke Taylor on, well, a lot of things. At first she planned to talk about this post I did on my other blog; pretty soon we settled on just talking about all things Like Mother, Like Daughter. See what you think! And here's the video version which is uncut and even longer, yikes. The thing is, we really did hit it off; Brooke is clearly a kindred spirit! We could have talked for a lot longer than that!
- I have recommended Denis McNamara's lectures on sacred architecture before. This one is particularly lively — your high school student could greatly benefit from it! I certainly did! Columns are human! Festivity is putting stuff on stuff!
- The Milgram Experiment. Worth reading; shocking. That reminds me of an article I have posted not too long ago, but is also worth revisiting: Stella Morabito's 2015 essay, How to Escape Mass Delusion. Spoiler: avoiding it all comes back to personal relationships and being willing to say what you really think to your friends.
I don't know why I have so many videos this week, but here's a short and charming one about a lovely lady in the UK who founded a guild to repair liturgical vestments. I would like to be her friend, wouldn't you? I think she'd be friends with us.
- An article about the strange and marked decrease in asthma suffering during the pandemic. Speaking of stress. Could it be a factor? Maybe we ask too much of our children out in the world.
from the archives
- A friend who lives in another part of the country told me she chanced to meet someone in another town over from her, who mentioned the blog — and thus they discovered a mutual interest. We like to think that we can be a meeting point and jumping off platform for your St. Gregory Pocket (whatever you want to call it! But St. Gregory is a good patron for this enterprise). Get together to discuss a post, stay together to build a community for your children.
liturgical living
St. Finbarr. Upcoming: Michaelmas (and all the archangels' feasts!), September 29! Roast a goose if you have one, and perhaps make a honey cake!
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Lisa says
Thank you auntie Leila. As I read through this I was thinking of my 16 year old son! I realize that he needs me to be there when he gets home from school, ready with a hug and snack. He’s been grumpy lately and I know he finds high-school a chore and the mask wearing stinks, and I know a little more attention from me would help. So even though he’s taller than me and busy turning into a man, I’m going to take this advice. Thank you!!
Kelly Heine says
Lisa – you will not regret your effort! 💕
Em says
You have such good, sensible advice. Please keep it up for all us young mothers who don’t have experience nor necessarily good examples to follow.
Candice says
As usual you get right to the crux of it for me. “One thing I’ve learned is that I’m impatient when I’ve not been doing my own duty…” Oh yes. (Hangs head in shame.) When I’m paralyzed on the couch with all the thoughts of things I need to do but aren’t doing, my children suffer for it. God has really been speaking to me this week about getting my act together. I mean, I used to have it together more. Somewhere along the way, the stress got so high (for me) I dropped the ball. But God is telling me to pick it back up and get moving!
Also, on the liturgical vestments. A lady at our parish (FSSP) organized a class for a few of us with a dear sister to learn how to make traditional vestments. I made a violet vestment set (including maniple, stole, chasuble and burse) and gave it to our pastor. Imagine my astonishment when he wore it for Ember Friday Mass last night! It was truly a gift for me! God is so good!
Leila says
Wow, Candice! I am so impressed! This is a dream of mine, to make vestments. But first, I have some quilts to knock off!
Mary says
Oh, Leila!! You are just so…….real! And I love it! As a grandmother myself now, your perspective helps heal those wisps of lingering guilt I carry from my own mothering years – you pass along grace with each installment of wisdom – thank you for being you! <3
Leila says
Thank you, Mary! Well do I know that lingering guilt… we have to help each other!
The Gift of Reading says
I am that grandma too now and there are many lingering wisps of guilt for me too, but your explanation gave me back my hope. I will add that my 23 year old son who attend uni was moving off campus, 6 hours away, due to our recent Australian lockdowns. This young man needed my hugs, my encouragement and the space of our home to just decompress, get some restoration from the stress of life right now and then he was off again, out of the nest. They need it even at that age. I also agree that if I have not got my ducks in a row at home, then I cannot expect it all to go swimmingly. I still fail at this occasionally at age 49! Hi from country Australia and thank you for the video on the lady repairing vestments. What a humble and beautiful spirit she had. Cate NunaN
Mrs. Bee says
“One thing I’ve learned is that I’m impatient when I’ve not been doing my own duty, am truly overcommitted, or am not realizing that everyone makes mistakes and I could show them the grace I’d like for myself.” So many nudges in my direction here… It can’t be a coincidence, since yesterday I read this on a Twitter account I had never seen before: “I avoid housework. I expect everyone does. I have to say though, when I actually commit to doing it it brings a kind of peace that is difficult to pin down, like I am aligned with the process of bringing the world into rightness, into a state of calm.” I immediately thought of Auntie Leila!
This lady goes on to reflect: “My days are haunted by the thought of farm wives, who kept house, washed the dishes, made 3 meals a day, processed food, gardened, made and mended clothes, tended to animals, helped with farmwork, raised multiple children, all without electricity, running water, etc… The amount people used to get done in a day astounds me.”
It’s so true… often I think that no electricity meant that days were a lot shorter for people, compared to our days. Our “daytime” has grown, it can only mean we rest less. But at the same time we (I!!) have the nagging feeling we accomplish very little, we (I!!) don’t know where our time goes, how it’s spent. We have cars, machines, a whole host of tools, so many possibilities… and the results leave us a bit puzzled.
One thought that keeps coming to me is that I have learned so much thanks to people and resources online, and yet the internet is stealing so much of my time, is making me anxious, drags my attention away from my true focus, is not real life – these are two very difficult things to reconcile.
Bonus garden question: a lot of our hydrangeas this year bloomed only partially, like the one in your photo above. Only a few buds fully opened, the rest stayed closed. I have no idea why that happened, especially because it did not happen to all of them, but at the same time there was no apparent pattern, no clear reason. Any help appreciated!
Leila says
The balance… it is hard to find. Our foremothers worked hard but they also had a lot of silence and the advantage of knowing what to do without thinking too hard about it. I for one am grateful for the wonderful friends I have found from being online; yet I also know I have to keep it all in check.
As to hydrangeas: the one I posted here is not the mophead kind. Bridget and I planted it last year — this is how they bloom! It’s a type of lace-cap hydrangea. I am so thrilled to see that it has bloomed, and I need to make a bit more room for it next year, as it is sort of reaching forward out from under the buddleia in that desperate way. Other than this information, I have no clues for you!
Mrs. Bee says
Oh goodness, thank you! Might it be that I have misunderstood some of our hydrangeas?? We really have a lot of bushes, but they all look the same to me, as far as leaves and stems, and I thought behavior too… Now I wonder if I noticed only this year that some are different, but they’ve always been different in reality – it could be! My best hydrangea comes from retiring the Easter season decorations at our parish: the sacristan gave it to me as a Mother’s Day gift! I thought it would just die, but it thrived and is now enormous and incredibly healthy. It bloomed an awesome blue for two years, then this year turned purple/rose. I have given up trying to control my hydrangeas’ colors, even though I’d like them all blue!
I was thinking about silence just this morning: driving back from the pool, the lack of silence on this glorious September day hit me hard. We live in a green, hilly place, but suburbs it is, so there’s always traffic. The natural landscape is wonderful, but the contrast with the noise quite jarring. My big kids are reading Emma for school, and I thought of Emma’s walks to and from Randalls, or around Highbury, how peaceful it must have been. I wondered if I don’t like taking walks where I live because they’re not a way to experience silence. Suburbs are confusing places!
Ellen says
Re hydrangeas, my husband’s family has s garden ctr that specializes in hydrangeas. You can downloadan ebook we wrote about their care and the different kinds here: http://www.willsonsgardencenter.com. Just know you’ll also get the garden newsletters from me so you’ll want to unsubscribe after, unless you live in or visit northern Michigan.
Mrs. Bee says
Thank you, Ellen, I did it – what a lovely family business, and congratulations on your centennial! The garden newsletter will be fun even though it looks like I am 800 miles away from you 🙂
Victoria says
In the spirit of adding other thoughts about our foremothers: which ones are we imagining and talking about? Are we talking about American pioneer women who were broke and desperate and went out to live brutally hard, desolate lives? Women who were often protestant and didn’t feel a need to be close to a community church. Or are we thinking of European farmers and shepherds who lived outside of a central town or village, yet still in walking or riding distance (or, if you are of a different ethnicity, the many other, walkable village set-ups you find in Asia or Africa) and near a community church?
Leila is absolutely right that part of our agony and anxiety as mothers today is the lack of a clear “this is how to wife and mother” plan. Our foremothers weren’t over-thinking it. I also think that we torment ourselves with American ideas about pioneer women that could actually be unrealistic and unhealthy. Many of the women who went west lost their minds to the poverty and isolation; and of course, many lost their lives. In contrast, for most of human history, people lived in close proximity to one-another and extended families helped one another. A family focused on a handful of trades or agricultural crops or livestock and were not self-sufficient pioneer-style farmers. Not that these communities were without problems, there are reasons that people left those places, but at first, when people immigrated to the Americas, they continued to live in or very near towns. Industrialization, trains and western movement changed that. I would also argue Protestantism allowed for it, but that’s probably a different conversation.
Anyway, I don’t think most of us are designed or built to be supermom on a self-sufficient homestead. I also think that many of us could be struggling in the early stages of first-world health problems that have yet to be diagnosed. I didn’t know I had an auto-immune disease for years, and I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t do the things many other moms seemed to be able to do. Many of us would not have survived childhood in historical agricultural conditions, of any locality. I know I wouldn’t have, and I can think of at least one of my brothers who wouldn’t have. People used to bury a lot of children.
My hope here is that we don’t unrealistically compare ourselves to “those women over there” when our lives are so utterly different from theirs. I love learning about historical ways and means of doing things, and I think learning those things is enriching and important, but I also try to watch and be sure that I’m being realistic and helpful to my family when I incorporate those ideas.
Ellen says
Thank you for this perspective! Let’s not romanticize the past any more than we tend to want to dismiss it (the “people back then didnt know about germs” line of thought).
Mrs. Bee says
I didn’t have any specific type of woman in mind, Victoria, nor I think the original writer of that tweet had, either. I don’t think it was meant as a reflection on the past in itself, least of all a romanticizing of it, but more like a moment of awareness that many of us feel more distracted and less efficient than women of any kind of past. We don’t need to reach to the past of the pioneers, I can simply think of my own grandmother. In short, I did not mean to idealize the old “farm wife” or her way of life – just wondering why I definitely accomplish less in my day. I agree that very few women can do everything in isolation and on their own, it’s not a natural way of life – in a way, the suburban life can feel similar to the psychological demands of pioneer days, with days usually lived away from extended family and detached from a core community. I tell my husband we live in a non-place. I am quite aware I am a lot more comfortable, but it remains a fact that I accomplish less. It’s not so much a reflection on the past, but on myself.
Jill says
This post is a blessing. Thank you.
Mrs T says
Perfect. Thank you.
Terri says
Thank you for re-posting the Morabito article. I picked up “The Rape of the Mind” sometime last year and I could not remember where I saw it recommended. If you’ve read it, I would love to hear your thoughts.
The Milgrim experiment becomes more believable to me each day. For me it clarifies Solzhenitsyn’s observation that the line between good and evil passes through every human heart. When people haven’t practiced discerning and choosing the good isn’t it likely they’ll just let someone else choose for them?
Luana says
Thank you for your interview – I have enjoyed it sooo much! And no, it`s not too long, I wish it could be much longer.
It is very interesting, what you`ve said about how when we wives are “housewifely”, ready to tackle our work with good attitude and an apron 😉 – how then our husbands get encouraged and strengthend in their role as providers and protectors. Please write more about that someday, it`s such a wonderful idea.
Tiffany says
So. Much. Truth. So much to be said for the simple service of bringing order from disorder.
A few weeks ago my eleven year old son was quite a handful all morning. I felt one disrespect after another and I was wondering what or how to address all the disrespect which was just not good behavior…
“Why don’t you just wait and see how it plays out?” I thought, “Maybe something’s bothering him. Maybe he’ll tell you about it.” Being the lazy procrastinating person that I am I went along with it.
About an hour later he said, “If you’re wondering why I’ve been so crabby today, my throat hurts, I’m congested and I have a headache.”
(Not how I usually parent… I wish.)
Also, on noise in the suburbs… I don’t know how it took me years to know it but in a walk in our neighborhood by myself one day it became suddenly clear that the shrieks and shouts of laughter, loud talking and play that pervaded the entire neighborhood were not coming from the elementary school recess as I’d thought but from our house. So sorry, dear neighbors!
Second, last night at dinner at Grandma’s my toddler son was exclaiming over each vehicle that passed on the highway, “More! Car! More! More! Truck! Car! More! More!” Crazy kid.
Victoria says
I don’t think we should be concerned about the sounds of children in a neighborhood. That’s the way it should be! The lack of children in neighborhoods playing these days is positively eerie, like the town in “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” where kids were illegal. And how like Vulgaria are we now, where grown women and men fear children and buy toys for themselves instead?
The noise that bothers me is constant traffic noise, sirens, helicopters and motorcycles and vulgar music blaring out of people’s cars. We live very close to a large city.
Megan says
Another fantastic piece of parenting advice that I really needed to hear. This week I am working with my oldest on taking care of her responsibilities right away when she comes home- hang the coat, put the boots on the mat, put your lunch dishes in the dishwasher… all important training. I was wondering why after being so diligent about it for years she now walks in, drops everything, and sighs and hides 😢 a good reminder that school right now is stressful and she needs at least a “hi, Penny!!!” from me and as you said- UNDERSTANDING from me about what she is experiencing. Not that she doesn’t need to take care of her things! Just a different perspective from me regarding her obedience.
After listening to your interview this week I promptly preordered your three volumes on Amazon and I’m really looking forward to receiving them in November.
I was so lucky to find your blog ten years ago and your advice has been, to me, the mother/Auntie I always needed to raise my children and keep house. Thank you 🙏
Suzette says
Amen!
mrsnightskyre says
I appreciated the reminder, too! But I can’t find the right balance – as far as I’m concerned, if bags/coats/lunchboxes aren’t dealt with immediately, they’ll get “forgotten” about until bedtime – or worse, the next morning! But my kids are so resistant to taking care of it right away.
Leila says
There may not be a balance! It may be that your children need to work on simple tasks as they arrive. A cheerful greeting can help. Transitions are hard; we can ask our children to do hard things. Just remember that they need you to be on their side, even as you are demanding something of them.
Laura says
Always a pleasure (and challenge!) to absorb wisdom from Auntie Leila! We already homeschool, so our struggles are from the other side of things–being together all the time every day, mostly, and what feels like on going clutter and mess from being on top of each other all the time (in a fairly small space). A few years ago, okay maybe ten, I remember reading James 3:16, “For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work.” This happens when mama is discontent with being at home 🙁 I should know, I struggle with this a lot. But this was a great word of encouragement and a wonderful perspective-giving boost.
Nicole Cox says
I, too, loved the podcast interview. :).Thanks for sharing it.
I homeschool all our kids right now, but am still pondering what you wrote and tucking it away for future reference. I tend to be demanding and intense so this is a good reminder!!
KathleenMT says
This was just what I needed to hear. (I also needed to hear your last post but I didn’t comment on it.) My husband is traveling for 2 weeks and we just hit the midpoint. Today was hard, I knew it would be but forgot the real reason why my kids ramp up in public these days…..the return of masked adults. We can’t avoid it at Church and I know most of them aren’t freely choosing to mask which upsets my peace (aka makes me spitting mad) Do people really not understand how scary masked adults are to young children? Anyways, your common sense and getting to the heart of the issue has been more useful than anything else this week. Thank you for helping me see the big picture and to remember my role. And the very practical advice on how to accomplish it, I almost cried in relief. This is helpful! I am so sick of the “empathy” and “acknowledging your emotions” in place of actual support and solid advice. You are so right about being overcommitted. I broke my rule and got overtired. When the husband travels….no side projects no matter how much fun I think it would be to surprise him. Thank you….and my children thank you too.
Christina A says
Oh, man, I totally needed this advice, thank you! When I pick my kids up from school, I bring them a snack, and I often ask them to tell me something they learned or something interesting that happened; a couple of them can’t wait to go on and on about their day right away, but others are pretty much silent, even with some prodding. I should circle back later with those ones.
This reminded me of a portion of a blog post by another mom of 7 I read years ago (maybe you linked it?) about food and touch fixing most things for your kids, even when they’re teenagers. My teenage boys aren’t always into hugs (though I make sure we get in a few good squeezes at least when they wake up, when they come home from school, when they go to bed, and anytime they want to know what I’m making for a meal 😉 ), but they never say no to a back scratch or a head scratch. Here’s the link to that blog post, and I pasted in the food and touch portion:
http://nortorious.blogspot.com/2016/06/life-saving-tips-for-mother-of-big.html
20. Food and touch.
Kids need both to feel loved. If a kid is riotous and rebellious, feed them and pet them. They will settle down. They are puppies. Especially those teenagers who don’t get touched any more cause they’re too big and look like adults. They’re not. Think of them as really large toddlers. They need touch, sleep and food. Almost all problems can be solved by those things. (PS, This is true for husbands too. Sorry). The beautiful thing about this realization is it means I don’t have to take that fit/tantrum/explosion personally. I replace that raging big person with the little person they used to be and think, What would I do for the toddler version of this person? I would calm, sit, read, feed, hug.
Suzette says
Thank you ((hug))
RaisingBoys says
Loved this. Every day is a learning day for us mummas. And that smile goes a looooong way. Thanks for sharing.
Rebecca says
I’m so excited to hear the book is almost out (why haven’t we heard before now? Did I miss a post?) When I went to Sophia institute press it says “in stock” does that mean it IS out?!? It looks beautiful by the way, can’t wait to read it!
cradlecatholicblog says
This is so timely! I have been working since school began to get our mornings running smoothly, and I realized in a rather “well duh!” manner that it involves a lot of tasks or habits outside of the actual morning — like being on top of the laundry (so no one is left scrounging for a clean pair of socks when we need to head out the door), the nightly kitchen clean-up so we have space to pack their lunches, and so on. It’s improving a lot.
Just this week I decided I needed to focus on the after-school routines, because it was kind of a jumbled mess. The only conclusion I could come to was that I needed to have a simple snack ready for when they come home, and a pot of tea (because we all love tea). I said this to another mom, who happens to be a single mother, and she looked so wistful and said “do you know how LOVED I’d feel if someone had tea and a snack waiting for me when I got home?”
And that sealed it for me.