A while ago I got an email from a sweet reader who, among other things, asked the following:
I was reading the comments to your post “Will Homeschooling Make Me Lose My Sanity” and it struck me how lonely everyone posting was, and how difficult it is to find like-minded friends. We are two weeks away from a cross-country move and will be leaving behind some wonderful friends. I am apprehensive of making new friends who share our traditional mass & homeschooling approach to life. Well, I thought:
Would Auntie Leila consider a FACEBOOK GROUP –not just a page for liking your blog–but a private group for members to discuss and post and most importantly, connect and meet each other?
Believe me, Auntie Leila understands this urge. But I have resisted and I'm going to continue to resist.
In fact, I am going to recommend that you leave any Facebook group that isn't about how to do something you do in real life, like raise your chickens, use your Instant Pot, or follow steam locomotives (these are all groups I belong to, the last one just in case there is a good video I can show my grandchildren).
If it's a group about anything that relates to your loneliness, pain, or suffering, chances are that it is ultimately not going to help you. These groups are taking your precious time, involving you in problems that you can do little to solve, and not making your problems go away. You aren't building your community or your future in these groups.
In fact, from what I can see, these groups will cause you to question all the good things in your life — your marriage, your children, your home.
Would an LMLD group be different? No. The reason is that it would be online. You can effectively share ideas and news online, but you can't effectively build a real community online.
Instead, use your online contacts to form real life connections and relationships in what I have called the St. Gregory Pockets!
I am no “influencer” guru — I suppose I could have monetized my “St. Gregory Pocket” idea and charged a bunch of money to enroll people in it. I could have created a multi-level marketing scheme using other bloggers to contribute and then share… we could have a conference once a year and sell lots of swag. Believe me, we LMLD ladies have the wherewithal to do some fancy graphics and so on.
But instead I just tried to put my experience into words to encourage you, while you are young, to make real-life friends that will not only discuss books with you and bring you meals when you have a baby or are sick (and of course you will do the same for them) — but who will form a community with children who will (all too soon!) grow to be your own children's peers. I don't have time to whip this up into a big movement and you don't have time to join it.
I tried to keep it simple. Making your own “pocket” of like-minded friends is certainly not a new idea, but it is one that must be recovered with some positive action, precisely by those who feel lonely and friendless! (Although it would be good if some of you who feel that you've gotten a good community together would share the wealth and be generous to those on the periphery.)
So the St. Gregory Pocket idea is as far from the FB group as you can get. Ideally, you wouldn't have time to talk online because you would be so busy hosting your own real friends and meeting them at the playground. You would encourage each other instead of risking real harm online (which is what happens on FB! I've seen it many a time — because you can't see each other and comments are so easy to make)… and in the end, there's always an alpha in the group to meddle and cause mischief (or several alphas who I describe as “mean girls” just like in seventh grade, and who wants to go back there).
Picture it this way — your kids running all around the yard or playground while you visit with your friends; not you on your phone while your kids sit alone.
No, we will not be having a Facebook group… I will post the posts below so you can ponder finding or making your St. Greg's Pocket! Much better!
bits & pieces
- If you haven't had time to listen to Leila Miller talk about marriage and divorce, perhaps this written interview will fit the bill, and be easier to share with someone you know who needs it: An Honest Conversation about the Modern Family
- To understand what is happening today, we must understand history — specifically, the history of Communism: Leninthink, by Gary Saul Morson:
The whole point of Leninism is that only a few people must understand what is going on. That was the key insight of his tract What Is to Be Done? When Leninism is significant, there will always be a spectrum going from those who really understand, to those who just practice the appropriate responses, to those who are entirely innocent.
- Have you heard of this dad who posts on Youtube to tell young people how to do stuff? Amazing how it has struck a nerve. Let's be the moms who let the dads pass on knowledge and the dads who do it. Let's build the collective memory, not tear it down.
- The Bostock decision, handed down by the Supreme Court earlier this week, is a disaster. Find good analysis here — What Are the Adverse Consequences of Gorsuch’s Bostock Ruling?, here — Bostock, living a lie, and here — A Striking Display of Sophistry.
- Build your home library now if you have not already started. (E-readers are convenient but no substitute for a real library.) The early not-so-distant-warnings of a cultural purge are upon us. Our LMLD Library Project will help.
liturgical year
The feast of the Immaculate Heart of Mary
from the archives
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Helen Aardsma says
I heartily agree with this advice! One of the most influential things I did was to start a “Young Mother’s Class” during the Sunday school hour at our church, so mothers could stay with their nursing babies and young ones. This was over 26 years ago. The fellowship was rich, real, warm and full of great advice and mentoring. The actual teaching was short, the sharing and fellowship long. 🙂 The children were happy, the ladies’ bonded, and the class quickly outgrew the space we had. We did quilting classes, craft days for the children, park play days, pot lucks, etc. all with the priority of keeping our little ones with us. I still have contact with many of the ladies today, who were impacted by this class and its attendees. This is Titus 2 at its best! Thank you Leila for sharing this.
E says
Yes, yes, YES! Having tried several different forms of social media looking for connection I have found all to be profoundly lacking and suffering from all the pitfalls you mentioned (plus some). Even family chat groups are prone to these pitfalls (especially? Because then you get all sorts of weird undercurrents in addition, and still have to get together and face each other at family events…) Leaving each form of social media was a huge decision for me to make, but after each decision I felt a huge sense of relief and after initial withdrawal 😛 have not looked back one bit, even wishing I had taken the plunge months or years earlier. My husband has commented in the past that the most real/helpful/satisfying relationships I have built have been separate from social media (that doesn’t mean separate from technology, email and text have been helpful tools in building relationships).
Ironically when it became clear I was leaving one form of SM someone essentially commented that my leaving would make them feel lonely. My visceral reaction was, “Uhm… I have felt lonely IN this form of social media all this time!”
People also comment that they don’t know how I have time to do this or that…and I’m so tempted to say, “Well…I don’t have social media…” I want my kids to know a Mom that isn’t glued to her phone all the time!
Emily says
YES REAL LIBRARIES! Oh my goodness! And also real CDs and real films! (Well, DVD/Blu-ray films!) I have an iPad and I have some books on it, but it’s mostly an “emergency/travel” (ie, I’m in the hospital and can’t have all my books! Or hold them!) thing. I buy real books. Besides the fact that you have treasured physical copies to hold and interact with (and, um, annotate!), the visibility also helps–you know what you have because it’s there and looking at you! And it also can’t vanish like “downloaded” things can!
Jacki says
Other than the books in the library project, what are some must-haves that I should be adding to my collection now? We’ve been building our library, especially our children’s book library, since my oldest (now 6) was still in the womb but it’s definitely still a work in progress.
Anamaria says
Alasdair macintyre’s after virtue is excellent and will provide some insight into this moment.
Josef pieper’s four cardinal virtues, leisure the basis of culture, and only the lover sings
Tolstoy’s short stories (if you already have anna karenina and war and peace)
Quo vadis and with fire and sword by https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henryk_Sienkiewicz
(Probably also other works)
Religious sense and risk of education by luigi giussani
What we great works of western canon you don’t own
Random list but what I’ve been into recently it come back to a lot!
Logan says
Re: home library, we were fortunate to be able to use a chunk of our stimulus check to increase our home library. 😉 I’m so excited to have finally been able to get my hands on some of the books you’ve mentioned long ago that were out of reach like “John Senior and the restoration of realism,” which is so amazing and I’m loving it! It almost feels like it’s healing my fractured education.
It was brought to our attention that the redaction of our books is happening now when we got a reprint of the story of Doctor Dolittle for the kids– I was shocked to see that they had whitewashed it!
Emily says
I REALLY love the Penguin Clothbound Classic books. They’re pricey but they’re beautiful, sturdy hard cover editions of so many great books!
Ruth says
As someone who has moved many times, I can say with confidence that Our Lord gives us what and who we need if we ask humbly (i.e. “you will be done” not “now or I will lose my mind”). The friends He sends us aren’t perhaps the ones we are looking for: my first friend in my current home is a lovely Hispanic lady whose English was, back then, minimal. Seeing as how my Spanish is non-existant it is really a testimony to our shared faith that we are still friends! I have also learned, from being quite lonely in new places, to look for the other lonely people. I used to hope that some nice family at mass would invite us over to their house for a visit (after all, we are the new ones!). But Our Lord showed me that it was better to think about the loneliness of others instead of my own loneliness. Be prepared to show hospitality to other families even if you are new to the area. Always remember to trust that if you have asked for a gift with humility and He hasn’t given it, then He wants you to focus on your family/spouse/whoever is with you. If you’re single, then you can give yourself to prayer. When the right time, He’ll send the right people! You can count on Him.
Amy says
“Always remember to trust that if you have asked for a gift with humility and He hasn’t given it, then He wants you to focus on your family/spouse/whoever is with you.” Dear Ruth, you hit me right between the eyes with this one. I was about to come and bemoan my lack of local, real-life friends and ask what more could I do that I haven’t done – for five years I’ve brought the meals, joined the mom’s group at church, attended the Bible studies, etc, etc. I meet many lovely women but I still, despite consistent efforts, don’t feel that I have friends, and I have resorted to joking with my husband that “Everyone is very friendly but they all already have all their friends.” (and my dear husband is the introvert to my extrovert and we have three children under 5; he is tries to be supportive and understanding but he simply does NOT feel the need for more social interaction! :-). I feel like Anne Shirley searching desperately for that kindred spirit. But I think you are right; even if I had friends I wouldn’t have seen them in person these past three months anyway, and I feel like our little home and family have been spared the worst of the storms raging around us. I’m sure part of this has been the grace of God redirecting my eyes towards those who need me most and teaching me to think of them first and myself second. Thank you.
Catie Hb says
What a beautiful post, Ruth, and I think you are spot on! Even if it feels counter-intuitive to be the invite-extender when you are the “new kid on the block”, extending hospitality is the best way to welcome people into your life. And I think hospitality can include a visit to a park, museum, or a nature walk. It’s saying “I want to create a comfortable and inviting visit with you”, and that’s a perfect starting point for opening the door to friendship.
I also echo your trust and dependence on God’s timing! He is a God who desires good things for His children! And sometimes the good for us is some loneliness, or perhaps a period of uncertainty and waiting.
Diana says
Yes, yes, yes! A hundred times yes!
“These groups are taking your precious time, involving you in problems that you can do little to solve, and not making your problems go away. You aren’t building your community or your future in these groups…. You can effectively share ideas and news online, but you can’t effectively build a real community online.”
Again, yes.
I understand the longings of the woman who wrote to you. I have felt the same. But I have consistently found (as in 100%, no exceptions) that social media both fails to provide true community, while giving the illusion of it, and also destroys real community through distraction. It is so tempting to form communities through social media, but they inevitably end up to be nothing more than an illusion of community, not the real thing.
“Build your home library now if you have not already started. The early not-so-distant-warnings of a cultural purge are upon us.”
Auntie Leila, you scare me. But I must admit that this is what I already know. Thank you for the good reminder.
Thank you so much for these weekly posts. I look forward to them, and always learn so much, both from your thoughts and from the links.
Lisa G. says
Yes. When I heard the Gone with the Wind issue, as someone who works in a public library I realized that the purge is coming. May God keep us faithful!
Love that dad on youtube!
Julie Churchwell says
Thank you for your timely advice. I agree Community is not something you find on the internet, those groups leave one “wanting” in some way, either “wanting” someone else’s life or “found wanting” because you don’t quite measure up to the groups ideals. Either way it’s not a true way to build one another up, or to bear one another’s burdens. There was a reason Christ came bodily, to show us that there is something precious in our physically being in each other’s presence, and the sacrifice it takes to be truly present for someone else’s good.
Catie Hb says
Yes, Auntie Leila! I second your sentiments.
When you have children at home and under your care, frequently engaging in online debates is simply unfair to them. It changes your focus and your peace and they’re left to wonder, “what’s wrong with mom?” And as you say, a focus on argument is what many of these groups seem to frequently invite.
Anamaria says
Yes! This was the crux of it for me. I had friends IRL but stayed on Facebook for updates from childhood and college friends. But even if I didn’t spend too much time on there, I was distracted by its discussions. I got off 4 years ago with a brief return this year (to sell a car) that confirmed how much better off I am without it! I initially thought I’d join instagram to see pictures of friends’ children but life was just so much better without it. I’m distracted enough by the news, novels, and even my own chores! I don’t need that.
Lisa G. says
That piece on Lenin was chilling; I read most of it, then felt like it was enough, or too much or something. I don’t think I’m squeamish but that was beyond horrible.
Lisa G. says
I don’t mean that as a criticism of the article! Just of Lenin the monster in general.
Anamaria says
Friends are such a gift! I will pray for those of you who are lonely.
Any words of wisdom or advice for those of us who have a few good friends to help those on the margins? My husband and I are both more introverted and enjoy a lot of time at home, and smaller groups when we are with friends. We live ten minutes away from almost every member of my family, and less than four hours from all of his. He works a lot- now less than in the past, but still more than most of my friends’ husbands- and writes poetry and reads a lot. We have 4 small children (including a 9 month old and newly minted two year old), and we just don’t have the bandwidth for throwing really big parties and inviting acquaintances, or getting together with lots of different people. We and our children need consisted friends- adult friendships are still strange to me and take much longer to become good friends than I think college friends did.
For a few years, a friend and I hosted a Lenten book club for women. I had hopes a few of the women who seemed to be seeking friends would become friends with each other, but that didn’t happen. Since then one has said (in a church meeting context) that she doesn’t understand why they don’t have friends like her parents did- she’s reached out a few times as well. She’s shy, he’s… odd, and they go to a parish that has a beautiful liturgy but is saturated with materialism (there are multiple parishes around that have a richer community and a wider friend-pool). This is rambling but how do I help people like that, within the limitations of my circumstances?
Dixie says
What a lovely and generous thing to be thinking about, Anamaria. My advice, for what it’s worth, would be to remember, as you say, that adult friendships take longer to solidify, and also that you can’t make people be friends — you can only sow seeds. In other words, as you try to help people feel included (while still rightly focusing most of your energy on your own family and close friends), you have to be very patient and accept that there are going to be a lot of awkward moments and swing-and-a-miss type things while you try to help build the wider community up. (Maybe your acquaintance with the shy/odd problem could use some advice about this — not giving up even when you’re not hitting it off with someone right away.) Sometimes you do something like host that book club and it’s a fabulous success, and sometimes it’s not. You just have to keep on trucking, doing little things here and there, and not expecting big returns. Sometimes what people need is just a friendly face to get them through for a little while until they themselves figure things out with some other social circle. For example, when I meet a new family in town (I live in a college town, so there are always new families) and it’s around the time of one of our kids’ birthdays, I’ll invite them to the birthday party; but they don’t always end up becoming good friends of mine in the end (although sometimes they do!). It’s a just kindness that sort of helps get them through. You know? Just sow the seeds and smile and be friendly. You don’t have to host mixers or set up blind friend dates 🙂
Anamaria says
Thank you, Dixie! I appreciate it.
Mary Eileen says
Yes. So important for you to be saying this Leila!!!
Social media has some benefits and positives, most of which are expendable. But “creating community” and connecting people are not among them. It’s a lie that social media groups bring people together or build relationships in any meaningful way. Buying into this lie has stolen valuable time from many of us while building up dis-ease and discontent. This applies in a special way, perhaps, to mothers at home trying to find peace and fulfill their duties away from all the noise and activity “out there.”
Thank you for opting out!!
Janet says
“Build your home library now if you have not already started. The early not-so-distant-warnings of a cultural purge are upon us.”
Yes, yes, yes! Spot on. Most library systems discard books that don’t circulate frequently enough–something that is all too easy to do now that circulation is computerized. I live in a county of over 1 million people and over 400 square miles. When I objected to certain books disappearing, I was told that the library system keeps one archival copy of real classics, so I shouldn’t worry. Not useful if it requires an hour long drive through rush hour traffic. And not accessible for serendipitous browsing.
Here is a historical tidbit that may not be well known here: The communist government in East Germany used to sell very high quality beautifully bound editions of 18th and 19th century classic literature for a very low price. But East Germany employed an army of censors to alter or delete passages which didn’t fit their ideology. West German professors warned students that these editions could not be cited in papers. Today, with on line books and computerized printing, censorship would be far easier and quicker. Right now, I think the chief offender is in abridged books, or re-writes for children or lower reading levels. Moral and religious aspects of old literature are usually absent in these editions and also in film remakes.
In both public and parochial schools, students very seldom read anything published before the mid 60’s. Ironically, students reading Fahrenheit 451 cannot place any of the literary references that the fictional totalitarian government is trying to obliterate.
Sonja Maierhauser says
Thank you for that timely post. You had an interesting turn of phrase in regard to beefing up one’s library. Here’s an echo of that 2 years old, which is now all the more relevant. https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/americas-own-cultural-revolution/2018/01/01/1f53438e-ef38-11e7-b390-a36dc3fa2842_story.html
Amy says
I too also have moved and left friends. I ask that you do 2 things. First what many have already said, Trust God. But also be patient. Sometimes our timeline and his are completely different. I moved from a city 300 miles away to my hometown, thinking that I already had friends and a community. BUT the community was different and we were in different places in life. I needed a good year to reconnect with some and meet new people. It did happen and I am better for it. In the meantime, you should find a church, a book club, or mom’s group.