“To be happy at home is the ultimate result of all ambition, the end to which every enterprise and labour tends, and of which every desire prompts the prosecution.” — Dr. Johnson
As the school year begins, I know how easy it is to feel a sense of urgency and even panic!
Time to sign up and do all the things, or at least to feel a vague sense of moderate self-loathing if we have little to show for what we have grandiosely designated our home “school” (for can this enterprise we embark upon, with so little actual credentialing or official benediction behind it, no more than a quixotic ramble in unknown territory, destined to bring nothing but mockery on our heads, be called a school?)
I think of the days of yore when I was given the grace in my folly and ignorance, to accept being alone* (I mean, with my many children, but without a “support network” or “online community” — such a thing did not exist — or “outside affirmation”).
*I had friends, but that is a bit different from what I'm talking about here…
I was afraid of being with my children only.
But — I discovered something that I will try briefly to share with you here, something I think others experience as well, if they try it.
“The more our soul is peaceful and tranquil, the more God is reflected in it, the more His image expresses itself in us, the more His grace acts through us.” — Fr. Jacques Philippe, Searching for and Maintaining Peace (affiliate link)
When a mother turns towards her home, this turning requires a certain detachment from the opinions of the world and a kind of blind confidence.
But if she can do it, she discovers something she may not have been looking for: she discovers peace, and as a welcome bonus, she discovers that she can think!
All jokes about pregnancy brain aside — and I know my observation goes against all received wisdom about toddlers not being stimulating, women needing to leave drudgery behind to do what really fires her up, and the company of adults being necessary for intellectual stimulation — the paradox is real.
Thinking happens.
She can think about peace itself, because she is free of the pull of frantic activity. There's activity all right, but it's what she sets for herself, knowing that she can actually just… not rush in accomplishing her tasks. This is very freeing.
She can think about how to educate her children, and what education is, and even, astoundingly, read a book or two about the subject. And even sometimes do it.
She can think about beauty, including ordinary beauty (such as she might bring about in her home and garden) that Roger Scruton tells us, “expresses and amplifies the human desire for settlement, for an environment in which things fit together, and people too.”
When she considers how chaotic and intractable the world is, and how fickle with its honors, she can, if she gives herself some breathing room, make her own home a haven for others. I know this is not a popular idea, to do things for others, with sacrifice. But it may be worth pondering.
There's a fundamental change that occurs with complete detachment.
When she detaches from what consumes the world, far from losing or burying her creative skills, she can use them for those she loves in ever-widening circles, circles that ultimately include whomever she is called to reach, with a serene heart. I wrote about this here. All the posts are linked here. And I edited them and made a little book for easier study (at the moment only available as an ebook).
It's true that this takes time — the results won't be immediately forthcoming, fair warning. Again, it does take confidence.
“To serve is to reign.” — Early Church Father (see Mark 42-45)
“For the truth is, that to the moderately poor the home is the only place of liberty. ” — G. K. Chesterton
Devotion to home in this womanly fashion I'm speaking of is the best service, that is, reign — with leisure to think thrown in for good measure. I love that Chesterton gives us leave to consider ourselves “moderately poor” — in his essay (What's Wrong with the World) from which this quote is taken, he demonstrates that wealth is exhausting — because the home is the end or goal of “every enterprise” and “the only place of liberty.”
Bits & pieces
Doomed to the consequences of bad intentions in urban policy.
Uncovering the reasons for pregnancy loss.
Really excellent review of John Senior and the Restoration of Realism by Michael Pakaluk, and how Senior's vision can inspire your home and community, as it has done so many before (ours included!).
Thinking about sacred architecture: what should a church look like?
Apologies to those who just signed on the dotted line for Extravagant U, and fair warning to those looking ahead: More honest Latin mottoes for your overrated university.
Prosperity breeds idiots. Solzhenitsyn could not “abide the legion of fools who seemed fascinated, from a secure and prosperous distance, with socialist thought. In his foreword to The Socialist Phenomenon—an extraordinary book by his friend Igor Shafarevich—Solzhenitsyn noted “the mist of irrationality that surrounds socialism… “
You don't have to play with your kids. By the way, this is an old idea, not a new one. It's today's parents, obsessed with what everyone else is doing and abetted by the social media vortex, who can't let go of their children's every activity, and who think the mother's role is to be intentional, by which they mean having something to show for every moment. It's the chirpy “follow your dreams” skeptics of homemaking who feel the necessity to demonstrate their involvement in what their kids are doing. Old-fashioned moms never played with their kids, unless they really felt like it, or even much noticed what was going on (though they read to them and gave them the occasional safety tip about those knives). But I think they enjoyed them more.
From the archives:
Green tomato chutney — I'm on my last jar now! It's so good and not at all mushy. Perfect in ham and cheese sandwich.
Today is the feast of St. Regina and St. Cloud.
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Elizabeth Clare says
Thank you for these wise words. I can’t agree enough! God, in His wisdom sent us our first born shortly after marriage which derailed my plans of further education and career advancement. My husband and I often reflect on what that did for our lives. It allowed me that crucial space to think and reflect on life. It led me to the Catholic faith, it strengthen my marriage, it opened up my heart to more children, it opened my mind to the beauty of homeschooling. For all this I am forever grateful!
Nancy says
Glad your back to Bits and Pieces on Saturday!
Kate says
“Again, it takes confidence.”
Our society produces under-confident and insecure women and it robs them of the necessary support systems. What to do?
Leila says
Kate, nothing to do but have confidence and encourage others! God sees us exactly in the circumstances we are in. We do what we can and hopefully the water will raise the boats for our children.
Rebekah W says
I really needed to read this today. Thank you.
By the way, it looks as though the link to the story on pregnancy loss may be broken.
Leila says
Thanks, Rebekah, I fixed the link! God bless!
Ann Marie says
Love this! I recently wrote a song “Little Life” about just this subject, finding joy and beauty in littleness of ordinary family life. I thank God that I never doubted it was possible (I had a very good model in my own mother’s little life), but I have been surprised by the sheer magnitude of peace and joy that have come in my 17 years as a stay at home wife and mother.
Clara says
Thank you for this! I really needed this encouragement today! Thank you for helping so many wives & mothers rediscover old fashioned common sense and wisdom. I really appreciate all the wisdom you share. There are many times I wonder “we’ll how am I supposed to do this?”, then I think, “let me check Auntie Leila’s blog”. There is usually an answer on your blog, and if not I give myself the time to think it through.
The links are great as usual.
God bless you.
Sarah says
I really love this post and also the interview with David Lancy. I notice when I intervene in my children’s play (mostly out of the sense of guilt/obligation he speaks of, that I need to be that “fun mom!”) that their game loses its momentum and they start needing me to direct the game that they were happily playing before I entered the scene!
Annie says
I just read Bringing Up Bebe about french vs American parenting, much of which is nonsense, but the author of that book totally hit on moms-not-playing-with-their-babies. She talks about observing Anglophone parents constantly narrating everything their babies and children did on the playground (“wow, you’re going down the slide!” Etc), whereas French parents sat on their benches drinking their coffee, reading or talking with each other. This gets at, as you say, not needing something to show for every moment! Something good to keep in mind!!
Annie says
(Sarah, this wasn’t actually meant to be a reply to your comment but happily we are talking about the same article and idea so slightly less embarrassing…)
Leila M. Lawler says
Annie, this was my feeling about the playground — it’s for ME to meet MY friends and have a chance to chat! Drove me crazy when the other mom spent all her time chasing her children. THIS is MY me-time! LOL
Annie says
My (as yet unborn) first children are twins, which I’m hoping will force me into a good balance of letting them play together and not becoming obsessed with every little thing… and jumping at those opportunities for “me time” 😉
Michelle says
Obviously I’m doing something wrong because 15 years in to motherhood and there is nothing remotely peaceful going on in these parts! I had to laugh because as I was reading the beginning of the post I thought to myself, “I might be able to have some peace and joy if all these kids would just stop asking me to play”, and then the article about not playing with your kids was linked. But how does one grow in confidence? I was struck by the statement about never feeling rushed to complete things. I always feel rushed. And September, with its various and assorted miseries, just makes it worse.
Leila says
Michelle, I guess I am calling you to take a deep breath and take your list of activities to prayer. Before God, ask for peace and know that what HE wants done in a day, you will get done. The rest you must let go!
The confidence comes in letting your kids play with each other (and taking the inevitable roughness as they get used to doing so), remembering that you can only do so much, and saying no to too much activity.
Everyone is crazy busy in September! But this will pass. Peace doesn’t mean “no activity” or “passivity” — but it does mean doing only what you are meant to do!
Donna L. says
“I always feel rushed. And September, with its various and assorted miseries, just makes it worse.”
Michelle–Yes! I truly feel this way, too! Sigh….Hang in there Mom–and I will, too–God bless
Mignon says
I love your philosophical musings, Leila. You are my go-to philosopher for all things domestic. I can’t wait for your book to be done! Don’t cut too much out of it! If Martha Stewart can write an 800+ page book on how to keep your house clean, you can give us a good meaty draft that will tell us so much more.
Acquiring inner peace within the home is a challenge not unlike what is found in the monastic life, I suspect: I am “stuck” with these people (aka my beloved family!), these annoying, broken-down or imperfect things within the home that need my attention, I must live with this particular set of limitations (financial or personal, like my lack of craftiness), I must make do. And I must pray and think rightly and make our home a place of love and tenderness and beauty for all those who inhabit it.
BridgetAnn says
Good to see you again, Aunt Leila! It’s like catching up with an old friend- easy to do because nothing has changed in essentials and rewarding because you’re reminded why you became friends in the first place! (If we may be so bold as to claim friendship 🙂
Leila says
BridgetAnn, yes — I do feel that our readers are friends! So glad you are patient with me 🙂
Emily L. says
I am gradually finding it to be true about turning inward to the home and finding peace and time to think. One thing that has helped was closing my FB account. I realized I was turning into Mrs. Jellyby from Bleak House, with all of infinite facebook scrolling turning into her Africa. I didn’t want my children (four, six and under) to suffer her children’s fate. It has helped a lot in disregarding the world’s opinion, as you say. I don’t hear about it much anymore!
Juliana says
This, and many of the links, was so timely for me. Thank you as always for such wise words!
Mrs. Bee says
Such a treat to find a good long post, like old times! Thank you for taking the time to talk to us! I agree with the other reader who begs you not to cut things out of your book: I hope you have an editor who doesn’t like scissors!
I love September, even as my knees shake and I want to run away from homeschooling: but September is like the new day without mistakes that I think Anne of Green Gables talks about! For me September is the right month for confidence. Now ask me later…
I’m also kind of picturing Leila singing to the top of her lungs I Have Confidence In Me from The Sound of Music… 🙂
Janine says
Missed you glad you are back!
Kelsey says
This is excellent, of course it is!
There are two things that bother me most in the never-ending brouhaha over staying home vs not:
The first is the notion that “using our gifts and talents” or “pursuing our interests” requires indenturing ourselves to paid, contracted employment. I find this truly mind-blowing.
The second is that *many* of the women I know who choose to work outside the home – they are not compelled by dire financial necessity or a husband’s insistence, but freely choose to – describe feeling more balanced in their lives. I’m not taking about women who run a small Etsy shop or tutor once in a while or things like that, I’m talking about full-time or intensive part-time work. I am also not doubting that they do feel more balanced, and I’m not actually criticizing their individual choices. What I am asking is – Why? Why does the addition of serious, outside demands and a whole network of people unrelated to your family make you feel like your life is more balanced? My personal idea is that a lot of this is due to women not recognizing that, even in home duties, we are persons with legitimate needs (actual meals, regular showers, a moment with a book, a conversation with a friend) that we can work to accommodate without guilt. We don’t need to layer yet another set of responsibilities on our lives in order to justify that other members of the family pitch in with chores, or that Mom gets to take a walk alone on Sunday afternoons, or what have you.
Basically, I think we don’t understand ourselves as persons, but more as producers and consumers. It’s hard to cultivate happiness at home with such a mindset, in which neither happiness nor home have any place.
Leila says
Kelsey, thanks for your comment.
Much to think about here. Interestingly, I didn’t write the post with the work/home dichotomy in mind, but more with the general idea of comparing ourselves and filling life with activities — or even with the best of intentions signing over a lot of time to activities and commitments without counting the cost.
This tendency maybe stems from putting too much credence in various processes that people have come up with, and not enough in home life itself, with its opportunities for learning, growth, and peace.
To respond just a little to your main point, I do see many women externalizing the things that they just need to do to feel in control (in a good way) and orderly. They maybe don’t realize that they can get up, shower, get dressed, and have a plan for the day — without a boss to answer to. Of course, not every woman has lots of kids, and some have a lot of help and resources that most of us can’t even imagine.
These women are the ones I find who do have outside work, and it really doesn’t disturb their peace — to the point that they rarely make a fuss about homemaking not being important, nor do they feel threatened when homemaking is extolled. In fact, they see that solidarity with women who don’t have their particular temperament (which is, despite what people are led to believe, rather rare) and with the vast majority of homes that are better off with the mother in the heart of it, at peace.
Which leads me to my final point, which is that family life is much more about what’s best for the others than what is best for me. But usually we find out that when we fulfill our duties, we are far more free and creative than when we don’t.
Jamie says
Interesting thoughts Kelsey. You have given me a lot to think about because yes I do regularly meet moms who profess to needing to have outside work to feel balanced. I have wondered about this too. I do recall, when I first started staying home, that I had spent my whole life preparing for a career and how I felt ridiculously under-skilled in the domestic department. Learning to manage a home in a culture that does not teach or value the work, all while learning to be a mother to a newborn, AND fully relying on one’s husband in a way that we are taught is “dangerous” for women, made me feel very vulnerable. I can see why some women think they need to cling to the raft of employment for “balance”. I wonder how Leila’s daughters feel about this since they were raised with actual homemaking skills and with the value of full-time motherhood. Nice to have you back Leila!
Kelsey says
Well, now I’m a little embarrassed that I misread the point you were making, Leila! As I reread my comment, it also strikes me as a little aggressive – hmm. At least I didn’t post this on facebook!
Jamie, I completely relate to what you are saying. I had pretty much zero skills in homemaking when I first started, and I still feel like I’m trying to make up for lost time in that department. I actually did work, part-time, for two years when my two oldest were very tiny. At first, I suppose I did feel that I was more “balanced”, but I eventually realized that actually everything was quite off-kilter and I could never just enjoy anything. My focus was off. Our family culture was tied to two workplaces. I did not feel like I was sovereign over my home or schedule. And then if someone got sick – what a crisis it was!
Kelsey says
In hindsight, I realize that much of the relief I felt when working was simply because it was a break from the constant demands of two babies. I was so ill-prepared for the sacrifice of motherhood. I do remember being nervous when I stopped working – could I really be around my kids all of the time and not go crazy? What actually happened was that we all relaxed and started to enjoy one another.
Susan says
In my circles, at least, I think work appeals partly because of the enormous pressure women are putting on themselves at home.
Everything to do with the home and the children is supposed to seem “natural” and easy-breezy. We aren’t supposed to worry about the kids — otherwise we’ll be helicoptering. We aren’t supposed to fuss about the home. Even home schooling is supposed to seem effortless — everyone brags about how “enchanted” their kids are by their lessons and how “naturally” they are learning everything.
Work, on the other hand, is allowed to be hard. It’s a place where you can wrestle with thorny problems and sometimes even fail!
Leila M. Lawler says
No, don’t be embarrassed. I think your points are strong. Somehow I want to talk about it without the polarization that seems inevitable. I wish that women would confront the syndrome you are speaking of — and I do think things have gotten worse now that a. everything is put into the dichotomy: work vs. SAHM and b. we can see all the things/decisions/images on social media. No time to think.
But even when a mother is home, she is still often so busy that there is no peace.
Serena says
“We don’t need to layer yet another set of responsibilities on our lives in order to justify that other members of the family pitch in with chores, or that Mom gets to take a walk alone on Sunday afternoons, or what have you.”
I think there is a lot of this – we feel guilty when we stay home for doing things that people who work don’t hesitate about. We feel like we must be perpetually cleaning or folding laundry to justify our existence at home.
“Which leads me to my final point, which is that family life is much more about what’s best for the others than what is best for me.” Amen, Auntie Leila! I have realized over the years how very selfish I am! The world wants us to be selfish, while the Lord wants the opposite, and home is such a forgiving place to discover this.
Thrift at Home says
Loved that interview with the anthropologist! Sent it to some friends because we were just talking about this recently – how I don’t play with my kids. I read to them, I talk with them, I pull them in my current when I have to (Phoebe cannot understand why she is too young to stay at home while I run errands!!). . .
Jessica S says
I loved this. I love everything you write!
Regina says
I just love your insights so much! You say exactly what I need to hear at the exact moment I need to hear it. I pray I’m half as wise as you are someday😍
Lindsey Gallant says
Thank you for these thoughts! They are timely in my current season of life. This idea of “complete detachment” is one God has been teaching me about this summer, though I would never have thought to call it that. 🙂 He’s been calling my heart back to my home (even though I never left it physically), and I am finally learning to feel like I “belong” in it.
I love this especially: “When she detaches from what consumes the world, far from losing or burying her creative skills, she can use them for those she loves in ever-widening circles, circles that ultimately include whomever she is called to reach, with a serene heart.”
I’ve been struggling with when/how/in which context to use the gifts and talents God has given me, but I think what I was missing was the serene heart, at rest in home life. I love this picture of ever-widening circles.
Victoria says
Thank you for this post. “Searching for and Maintaining Peace” is such a great book. I’m reading it for the third time.