The weekly “little of this, little of that” feature here at Like Mother, Like Daughter!
(This will all look and work better if you click on the actual post and do not remain on the main page.)
I'm really looking forward to speaking in Portland Oregon — are you anywhere near there? Could you come?
When I give these talks, I try to be sure that my listeners know that I'm not talking about anything stressful. Contrary to what you would suspect, making your Little Oratory and living according to the liturgical year calms your household.
I think that, when we order things towards prayer, we begin to learn that a humble beauty is best, one that draws us into a wordless communion with the spiritual life that connects heaven and earth.
So don't imagine that I am all about inflicting a harsh regimen of baking and endless fun activities (though I do endorse cakes and fun), nor do I recommend seeking any sort of perfection that exists only in staged photos meant for social media.
On the contrary, I think — I hope — you go away feeling more content, more peaceful, and more committed to the long term of devotion in the home — the simple path that leads us to God.
Our links this week:
“What I am seeing every day on the wards doesn't tally up with the narrative that we as a profession present to our patients and our politicians – which is that everything is getting better. We've come to believe that our core function in medicine is to cure everything, extend life as far as possible, prevent diseases by putting whole populations on drugs and into screening programmes.”
- With a polar vortex our thoughts naturally turn to gardening. What do we think of this strawberry pallet planter, quite different from other ones I've seen? I have trouble with strawberries myself.
- I had posted this link a few years ago; I think it's good to bookmark it: Your rights during a miscarriage, from the Elizabeth Ministry International.
- I have always wanted to whistle loudly to get attention. For a mom, this is a great skill — cuts down on the yelling. Also, could save your life in that situation that in my opinion is bound to happen sometime, getting lost on a hike. I need to study this: How to whistle loudly.
- Amy Welborn on children in Church. I'm not sure about the book she references (to good effect), Mr. Blue. A friend kindly gave it to me once when I was convalescing from serious surgery, and that was so thoughtful. Maybe it was my post-operative haze that caused the narrative to fail to grip; in any case, it wasn't my favorite. However, I very much appreciate what Amy says here. Someday I will write my own post on the subject, or maybe it will be a chapter in my book. I will say here that children can of course be at Mass, and attempts to keep them away or insist that they be front and center are both misguided and create false dichotomies. The best thing when we've lost our way so badly is to try to figure out what people did in the past and sort of take an average.
- Fr. Schall (Who still lives! Amazingly! And writes!): Social justice, Judaism, and the primacy of the sacred.
- Should medical professionals be neutral in matters of moral choice? What are the duties of those attending births — purely clinical? Read Pope Pius XII's Allocution to Midwives (1951) — it's a long read but it could absolutely be your morning meditation sometime this week. Far from the patronizing drivel we might expect a dignitary to bestow upon some visiting nurses, that Pope enters into a realistic and theological exposition of the role that the midwife plays in the life of the ordinary family, answering many tricky questions of sex education. Fantastic stuff.
- Did you or your kids go to the March for Life this year? Are you concerned that the March officials first caved to PC pressure from the media, without the slightest effort to ascertain the facts or consider their responsibility to underage marchers, then deleted to look into it (which obviously was step one), then, after days... and a threat of lawsuit… offered a less than satisfactory “apology”? I would think twice about sending anyone next year. If you are worried or even unsure, maybe let them know in their survey of marchers.
From the archives:
- Speaking of sex education, since the Pope got on an airplane and called for sex education in schools while acknowledging the “filth” that programs include (including the one from the Vatican itself, although he doesn't address that), and what he says is often confusing, and in this matter he overthrows what was taught by Pius XI and John Paul II on the matter of how to educate young people, I offer you my essay, which is based on those teachings. I'm not the Pope, but we need clarity based on what has always been taught. (I didn't choose the title, by the way.)
Today is the Feast of the Presentation, Candlemas! One of my very favorites!
While you’re sharing our links with your friends, why not tell them about Like Mother, Like Daughter too!
We’d like to be clear that, when we direct you to a site via one of our links, we’re not necessarily endorsing the whole site, but rather just referring you to the individual post in question (unless we state otherwise).
Annie says
Thank you for the article on miscarriage. Please God may I never need this information, but odds are I at least know someone who will.
With regard to the use of progesterone to prevent miscarriage, *intermuscular injection of bioidentical progesterone serum* is the best way to receive a progesterone supplement for this use (and for low P in pregnancy in general). If you’re pregnant, find a doctor trained in NaProTechnology or who otherwise is knowledgeable about progesterone supplementation!
I was just chatting with my doctor yesterday about the potential of using progesterone injections to reverse the RU-486 abortion pill. In fact, there is a nationwide network of doctors ready to drive to any woman who contacts them to perform the reversal. In the spirit of “I hope you never need this,” their website is here: https://abortionpillreversal.com.
Leila says
Thanks for the info, Annie — it’s really important that we all remember that the abortion pill process can often be reversed. You never know who will need to know this.
Dixie says
LOL on the whistling. I’m going to study this. As for hiking — my mother, a part-time Forest Ranger, always had us wear whistles while we were hiking. So we keep whistles in the car and everyone always wears one in the woods!
Leila says
“My mother, a part-time forest ranger… ” I LOVE HER.
Dixie says
She was the coolest!!
Emily says
Definitely right on statins in the Irish doc article. *Especially* for women–they can have very serious side effects for us! I’ve found that I have to be really “up” on my medical research when I talk to my doctors and say, look, you might recommend this, but I am not going to do this, because of X Y Z.
Ellen says
Regarding sex education, I’ve read the article you wrote before, and there is a lot of great advice there. I was raised in a very similar way by very good parents (I’m 35), and I have always been a practicing Catholic. However, I always thought their approach to sex education missed the mark, and I still do. They never talked about sex with me. Never. I assume their approach was that, if I brought it up, we’d talk about it. But many children are never going to bring that subject up to their parents, especially when they are teens, so parents can make them feel much more comfortable talking about it by being the ones who make it a comfortable topic. And I’m not alone; now that so many of my Catholic girlfriends, both old and new, are married and have children, we have talked amongst ourselves about how and when to discuss sex with our children, and I was surprised to find that so many of these ladies’ experiences mirror my own. Their parents didn’t talk much
about sex, some not even at all, like mine, and they all wished their parents had talked with them so much more. So, yes, good parenting is key, but I know a bunch of 30-40 year old Catholic women who wish their parents had discussed sex with them much more. Have you ever asked your grown children if they felt like your approach to this subject was sufficient? I’m asking that in the most respectful way. My oldest is 12 and I’m trying to figure this all out, and it’s daunting. But my parents’ off-hand approach did not make me feel like this was an open subject.
Leila says
Ellen, I can guarantee you that every parent will fail at educating his or her child. This is the nature of the situation. All we can do is try and rely on the grace given to us by God. We need to try to do our best but we need to understand that we will not *succeed* — and yet, that is not a green light for some other entity to take over. This is a mystery.
I tried to put most of what I thought in the article I wrote (and linked to here).
I would, however, as a survivor of quite the opposite process from the one you describe (having had ALL THE INFO at a tender age, and more), suggest that there is some value in failing on the side of reticence, for it is in itself a message.
Ellen says
I fail at parenting everyday, but I’m trying my best, and I’m also open to change and learning something new – even if that means examining the way I and my friends were raised by very dedicated parents. I’m not aiming for “success”, I’m just trying to address a problem. I was only talking about sex education coming from parents, not any other entity. I was home schooled, and my children are home schooled. There can be a lot of value in reticence, but there can be negative consequences, too. One possible negative outcome of reticence is creating an aura of shame around the subject, such as was my experience. I was sincerely wondering if your children found your approach to be helpful enough, not to slam you in any way, but because the feedback I’ve received from so many others is that it didn’t cut it for them.
Leila says
I understand that you are not attacking me, and I understand the question. I am not really willing to go into details here about personal things, in part because, as I say, I’m keenly aware of how far I fell short — but there are other reasons as well that I’m sure you can appreciate.
As I wrote in my piece, the *facts* of sex can be conveyed in a short amount of time. When that time comes is a matter of art, most parents find, and the art lies in overcoming one’s natural cowardice and plunging in, keeping in mind the development of the child and the wisdom of the past (and here we have a problem, I admit).
But a great deal of it has to do with answering questions (spoken and unspoken) with alertness and sensitivity. Here is where grace comes in. I wonder how many pray about this. A lot has to do with positive expressions — “God made men and women to love each other, marry, and have babies” — that get more detailed, the older the child is. This education takes all the years of the child’s life. So in a way, reticence is the wrong word.
Jana says
I once heard a mother explaining to her wondering littles that God gives every woman a womb which is a nice warm ‘baby house’ for the baby to grow and a baby passage that opens up when the baby is ready – this is a great example of ***identifying things with their purpose,*** and of course later the details can be given, but for little ones it’s was such a cozy and sweet way for them to understand, and a way for the Mother to be joyful and relaxed and full of wonder and to overcome the “natural cowardice” that you so aptly name.
Remote preparation for talking about this with children can be to have regular conversations about the nature and purpose of anything and everything. What is food What is it for? What would happen if we only ate it for pleasure? What would happen if we only ate of physical necessity etc etc.
If children grow up with a deep understanding that things have natures, and the nature of each thing determines its best use, and we are happy when we treat/use things the way they were meant to be treated/used, that is, according to their purpose, then there is a good foundation for talking about everything else, including the act of marriage. If we are consistent about teaching that what a thing IS tells us what the thing is FOR, ex: that marriage *IS* a union of a man and a woman til death, and it is *FOR* the procreation and education of children, then the rest almost takes care of itself.
Tia says
Honestly, sometimes just a very little information can do the trick. I grew up watching all manner of TV and at some point I tallied up the partners of a particular character on a show. I asked my mom if that was normal. I can tell you she did not go into great detail — the perfectly appalled look on her face was enough. When I asked her what was “normal” she said “one.” And honestly, that short interaction conveyed more than I can imagine any squirm-inducing, more in-depth conversation might have. As for the more technical details — well, I feel there are plenty of acceptable scientific books that provide that piece of information without the other baggage.
Meg says
In our marriage preparation course, my husband and I were given audio tapes of lectures by Ed Wheat to listen to a few weeks before our wedding. I think these were excellent–bridging the gap between the principles of Christian marriage and intimacy and some preparation for the act of marriage. We were to listen to these tapes together, and it was excellent preparation for managing expectations of both husband and wife and helping build trust and good communication from the outset. I think preparation like this–which would be far too specific to be profitable for a teen or a single person–is just right on the brink of marriage. Just having a shared vocabulary and established biblical standards is a great foundation for marriage in so many ways.
Kate says
Ellen, it would be interesting to know what you and your friends thought was inadequate about your sex education. My parents didn’t have any in depth talks with me. We had fertile animals and my parents stated things (or joked, but not in a prurient way) that made things clear about how it worked. Sex, in some way, should have some degree of “shame” in the sense that it’s private and intimate. Everyone uses the bathroom and it’s not a shameful activity, but it would be if it were done without regard to modesty and charity. I think that some things you really can’t fully understand unless it’s experienced and there’s no way we can adequately prepare our kids for the intense marital act. I’m probably not explaining myself well, but I think we can be guilty of trying to re-invent the wheel regarding sex education. I’m also wondering if women can sometimes unfairly blame their “inadequate” sex education for personal problems or dissatisfaction when the cause is actually something else. It even could be a cultural atmosphere that makes us imagine we’re falling short.
M. says
Kate, God bless you for this comment. I agree with you. Given that I am closer to Auntie Leila’s age than most moms posting here, I can assure you that my parents were “reticent”, also, in approaching this topic. But I can further assure that, even with a “lack” in sex education, things have a way of working out as God plans.
There was an old joke that sort of fits here. One day a child asked his dad where he came from. The dad, caught off guard, hemmed and hawed, then jumped in and explained about the “birds and bees”. The boy looked confused and said, “Oh, Tommy, the new boy next door, said he came from California.” I think it’s important for parents to be tuned into WHAT the child is asking. Too much too soon can be frightening and as bad as not enough information.
My mama, the younger of two girls, said my aunt asked my grandmama how babies got out. My gram, wise lady that she was, replied, “Same way they got in.” For a four-year-old girl, that was enough of an answer. The story still makes me chuckle even though all three of those dear ladies have gone on to their Eternal Reward. (May I kindly ask for a prayer for the repose of their souls? Thank you.)
I am of the mindset “less is more” when this topic arises. I pray my dear husband and I have and are doing a good job with educating our children in this area. God bless.
Ellen says
Kate, for my friends and I, the main problem was that there wasn’t a conversation at all. When I say that for myself, I mean it literally, though my friends have stated similar experiences, i.e. their mothers telling them about their period but never explaining why we get them, nor ever bringing up the topic of sex at all. Also, I grew up on a huge livestock farm, and even helped weekly with the breeding of animals, and that never made me think about human reproduction. And I was not this ditzy kid without common sense, it just never occurred to me. My main point in all of this is that parents should make this a NON-shameful thing to talk about with their kids. Auntie Leila, I believe, said she had the initial 15 minute talk and then was open to questions after that. That is good enough, and much MORE than I and my friends received. Sex is absolutely private and special, and belongs solely in a marriage this is open to life, and I have always believed that, but I wish my parents had taken care to emphasize it is not shameful. I have wonderful parents who I am thankful for, and none of this is a slam against them, but if a half dozen faithful Catholic women in their mid-thirties to forties find it important to a.) talk about how they’ll discuss sex ed with their kids because b.) their parents’ non-approach left a bad taste in their mouth, maybe it means something.
Jann Elaine says
One of my favorite sayings when it comes to raising children is:
“Invite your children to the feast, or they will eat out of the dumpster.”
I absolutely refuse to believe that “every parent fails when it comes to educating their children.” I may not know exactly what was intended in that statement but I see that as an extremely defeatist attitude. If I have failed at educating my children, I have simple failed (at everything). I may not be a saint yet, but I am serious about raising them, and I believe with every bone in my body that God has given me the tools, despite everything else. I may not have the answers to all the questions my children will ask when they are older, but I am sure that, as is illustrated in the scriptures, when I AM asked God will provide the grace and knowledge to answer. Part of the answer, in my opinion, is simply sheltering my children from the storm of sexuality in the world, (which, in my opinion, in all cases, includes homeschooling). Another part is being excited and open to life in my marriage so that these questions DO come up, and I am comfortable, educated, and down right enthusiastic (in a moderate way) to share the awesomeness that God has in store for those that are called to the married life (of course, the celibate will also need the basics but likely not as much detail) whether or not the child thinks to ask all the questions they need to know the answer to. Surely, we cannot expect a child to ponder on their own what 2 x 10 is but they definitely need to know it! How much more the questions of sexuality! But we can lead them to it; when they are ready. I really appreciate that book “Made This Way,” which is a Catholic approach on how to address the big topics with kids (homosexuality, divorce, sex, etc). It talks about breaking things down pre and then post puberty, with the littles getting the basics but their innocence remaining undisturbed, and the older children getting more info.
However, I find that the author is in many ways naive (foolish), as she mentions sending her son to a public school where “all of his friends use pornography but he doesn’t…” sure, that’s likely. But regardless, most of the other information/advice in that book is quite helpful, especially breaking things down to pre and post puberty.
Anyway, our children CERTAINLY need information about sex, more than “babies get in there the same way they get out” or whatever. If they don’t get it from the their parents, they WILL get it elsewhere, and from usually ignorant and pagan sources if they are exposed to their secular peers to any degree. IT WILL HAPPEN. As someone who was exposed to pornography in the 4th grade at school, parents today are fools if they think or hope otherwise. This, is in my opinion, is the main way parents today “fail” at educating their children: exposing them to the secular world in these matters. But otherwise, I intend to do better; I REFUSE to accept defeat, because their (and certainly my!) salvation depends upon it!!
“The enemy surrounds us, and we shall perish unless we fight. If we really fight, we are given assurance of victory.”
-St Francis de Sales
Ellen says
I read “every parent will fail at educating their children” as meaning that we will makes lots of mistakes, we will not do it perfectly, we will not do everything the way we ought, but that is just being human. I didn’t read it as defeatist, but I don’t think we just accept our failings. We have to SEE our failings and try to do better.
Ellen says
And I agree, Jann Elaine, that children need more than vague or ridiculous answers to questions about sex, but also that parents need to take the lead in making talking about sex acceptable and ok. Not for little kids, but for those pre-teens and teens.
Leila says
Anyone who reads what I write knows how superfluous exhortations to fight the culture are here! Obviously I oppose giving in to the garbage mentality.
In the main post there is a link to my thoughts on sex education — they’re actually quite detailed.
Readers will also remember that I have promoted Leila Miller’s Made That Way — actually, my blurb is on its back cover! Highly recommended.
Anne Marie says
Reading and discussing Mr. Blue at Benedictine College with Dr. Stephen Mirarchi changed my high school daughter’s life. It had such an impact on her. It’s her favorite book. She wants to be a writer. I have yet to read it.
Bernadette says
I’d be very interested to hear more of your thoughts on taking little ones to to Mass. I agree that looking to the past is usually the best way, but my understanding from several older people is that people did not tend to take babies and toddlers so much in the past. I think that may be an area that has improved (although I’d be hard pressed to come up with another example of something that has improved!). I have seen how much my children have been able to grasp of the Mass, both NO and TLM, and how much they enjoy going. I a man not sure how wan dwhen one would draw the line between staying home and going, either — it seems to be that at some point before they reach “the age of reason” that they might decide they’d rather stay home and play than get dressed and go kneel in Church — seems so much either never to raise the possibility of that being an option in the first place.
That said, we do spend lot of time in the vestibule. We make a great effort not to do too much to-ing and fro-ing, or to allow littles to disturb those around us. But we are there.
Frannie says
I agree that children of all ages should be welcome at Mass. What else are most parents to do, hire a babysitter? Spend all morning driving to and from different Masses? That said, after a decade and a half of holding squirmy children, we are in a stage of life where we do split up Masses and our busy 2yr old is almost always left at home. My husband and I are really enjoying going to Mass, separately, but each with a handful of children who can all sit through Mass! Ah, seasons of life!
Jamie says
Really?!?! You are coming to Portland, Oregon?!? I live 3 hours south, in Sutherlin. WHEN will you be here WHERE you be and is the Chief going to be coming with you?!?!?
Jamie says
•WHERE will you be?!?!?•
Leila says
All the info is in the flyer I posted up there! Hope you can come!
Jamie says
How did I miss that?!?!? Of course. 🤦🏼♀️
Diana says
Come to Phoenix, please!!!!! 🙂
Ruth says
I would love to read your thoughts on children at mass. My mother-in-law (74 yrs old) tells us that before V2, people took their kids to mass: the kids were kids, and no one gave the parents a hard time. At our local extraordinary form parish, kids are expected to sit silently and still for the whole mass or receive nasty looks and even reprimands from the priest. Needless to say, we had to stop attending because our toddlers cannot be both still AND silent at the same time.
Leila says
The priest is supposed to practice custody of the eyes and have no thoughts for anything other than the Mass! That said, parents have to be aware and be instilling awareness in their children. I have lots to say but will save it 🙂
CJ says
@Ruth That’s interested, because at the EF that we very occasionally attend when we visit family, the kids were free to move around and parents would move around as needed to keep their children relatively happy. We’ve even gone with our sometimes-disruptive autistic daughter and it was all fine (we removed her when she became excessively disruptive, but as long as she was mostly quiet we stayed with no one batting an eye). This was a Low Mass too. If it was a High Mass, would it be any different?
On the other hand, I was once accosted by a man at our regular OF parish (who conveniently waited for my husband to be otherwise occupied before approaching me) that tore me a strip because our then 18-month old daughter was… enthusiastic… at Mass that day. Again, I did remove her but apparently it wasn’t enough for his liking.
Interestingly, afterwards I couldn’t help but notice that I never see any of his adult children in Mass, despite the fact that I know they have at least a few of them and they live in the area. So there’s that.
CJ says
I should mention that these were different daughters. The 18-month old is a neurotypical child and is generally very good at Mass… except when she yells are her brother. *eyerolll*
Jann Elaine says
Having gone to mass for several years in Europe with small children, i much appreciated how differently their parishes were BUILT, which was much easier for parents with littles: main aisles in the center, columns on the edges, space outside the columns. It was not uncommon to see an Italian Nonna (or English mum) holding/pacing with a wee one, in a place that was simultaneously in the church but yet out of the main eyesight and mostly hearing of everyone else. It was much easier to be inconspicuous. Goodness, I miss those big columns!! Whenever I have to take the kids out not, I have that long, very visible and audible path back to the back of the church…the Catholic “walk of shame.” *sigh* Oh! The columns!!
Lynn Osborne says
Would love to live close enough to hear you speak sometime. I’m in Florida and it’s a great place to be in winter (not quite so much in hurricane season) if you ever have the chance to head this way! I would love to hear/read your thoughts on the role grandparents can play in the spiritual development of their grandchildren. I am a very recent convert to Catholicism and my daughter and her husband are Protestants, members of the same Methodist church in which she was raised. My grandson is only 11 months old but I am already trying to figure out the best ways to support their efforts in his faith formation, recognizing the differences we now have in how we live out our faith.
spindlitis says
I’m not far from Portland, but don’t know if I can go (although I’d love to!)
I attended Quaker services for awhile, the ones with silent meeting. They have someone with the children for about 45 minutes of the service. The children are brought in for the last fifteen minutes. And they were able to stay quiet for that time. I think children can learn to behave in church, as long as you don’t expect them to be inactive for a long period of time.
jadeddrifter says
I think I read in one of Mary Reed Newland’s books that she thought children should start being brought to church around age 4. I remember thinking that was extraordinary when I first read it because I had wrongly assumed that people just used to take little kids to Mass “back in the day.” And I also read Charlotte Mason saying that children should start to be brought to church at a certain age (can’t remember what age) which also assumed babies and toddlers weren’t going.
As someone who doesn’t like to split up our family on Sundays, we have always just brought all our littles to church and suffered through that rough 18mos-3 years stage with them, which means mostly taking turns not hearing Mass each week. I have really come to a place where I can see the benefit of parishes offering childcare for children between 12 mos up to the 4th birthday. Sometimes, you just wish it was there. Most of us don’t have access to affordable, trustworthy childcare on Sundays and splitting up can be just as burdensome depending on your circumstances. But, even if there is childcare, it shouldn’t be mandatory (Nativity has a reputation for pressuring parents to take their kids out). Some kids are more docile than others or have better days than other days. It would just be nice to have something for parents to fall back on when they decide they themselves or their child need it. And, for the record, I don’t care for children’s liturgies or other special programs for kids during Mass. The way I think is that when kids are at Mass, they should just quietly look about and be taught, a little at a time, to say/sing responses as they approach Communion age.
Marissa says
We’d love you in Houston! How do we get you here?