The weekly “little of this, little of that” feature here at Like Mother, Like Daughter!
(This will all look and work better if you click on the actual post and do not remain on the main page.)
SECOND UPDATE TO THIS POST:
If you are a new visitor here, welcome. To all — I have not changed one word of this post. I have added an update below, and now this one, but NOT ONE WORD HAS BEEN CHANGED from the original post.
I've been re-purposing quilts to cover cold doors. It seems to help a lot!
The following is a little meditation on how difficult it is to hold on to simple convictions.
***Updated: As I predicted below, and since my thoughts have been misrepresented rather stunningly on the internet, let me go ahead and say a few things. I hope you will read my actual words!
Here is what I do not say: That a woman must be ONLY in the home. That she MAY NOT work. That working is BAD.
None of this is personal, and it would be a mistake to think I'm attacking anyone personally. I am trying to get across a thought that I've developed quite a bit here on the blog (and you can definitely go ahead and check out my archives).
It is certainly possible to have work or pursuits outside of the home that do not detract from the vocation of making a home.
But if someone finds that it's not working out to “have it all,” or notices that society is not doing well with the current model, this post is my encouragement.
Here's what I do say:
I am saying that our society increasingly prioritizes working and that women are overwhelmingly encouraged to seek honor in society through work. This has been the case since the 70s when I was a girl and has only gotten worse, to the point that I can't even encourage the sacrifice made by women who devote themselves to their families (without in any way suggesting that they stay ONLY at home!) without sparking outrage.
And I am saying that this devotion is in fact the vocation of the woman who is married, and its rewards are hidden and take conviction to pursue. ****
Like what?
Like the conviction that children need their mother; that it's ultimately enjoyable, important, and spiritually healthy for a woman — even a woman who could be successful in the world — to devote herself to her family; that when a family does not have the wife and mother (same person!) devoted to it, everyone from the baby to society suffers. It's just a little meditation, not a whole book (working on it, also there's this), so don't expect much.
But it's sparked by my observation that even so-called conservatives, by and large, have wives who have separate careers or who themselves work (if they are the wife), and that this fact bears on the ability of the rest of us to hold on to our convictions and have confidence in them.
Because of this state of affairs, I'm not sure that even my little meditation can be received at face value. But here it goes anyway…
We are addicted to wanting to find new ways to do things!
Have you ever noticed that?
When applied to all the ways we must “subdue the earth,” it's human nature to try to do things better, to be innovative, and to improve technique. I love reading in Belles on Their Toes how the young Frank Gilbreth challenged veteran bricklayers to a masonry contest — just through observation he had noticed inefficiencies that slowed them down. His way really was better, new, and improved — and that's fine.
But not everything is subject to this kind of improvement, and forcing the issue can lead to vast and unintended consequences. Yet our addiction and our fatal flaw drive us to it. This fatal flaw is to expand on our propensity to be active and to achieve by means of our own will all the greatness we can encompass, and to call it all ours. You can find a little discourse on this flaw in the first letter of John, 2:16: “For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.”
So naturally, those who do and achieve attract our attention. And we start to listen, in spite of ourselves, to those who (perhaps on account of a need to rationalize choices they didn't quite think through) claim to have found a new way to do fundamental things — not bricklaying but, for instance, raising children or living as a family.
Over time, we find that we are convinced, against our innermost longings and even fundamental decisions; that we are tempted to affirm something that we intended to reject; or that we simply forget important but hidden things. We aren't aware that it can be a kind of false humility to let go of our principles. There is nothing praiseworthy in being open to doubt, when we know the good.
For women, especially in our time, this is going to be the constant battle. It's hard not to be worn down. We will always be unsure that we are right when we've committed to devotion to the family. We don't see or hear any affirmation for what we have chosen — on the contrary, we find only congratulation for worldly honors, even from those who ostensibly value what we value.
I think that social media have increased the volume on the voices telling us that we are only good enough when we have exhibited the right degree of achievement and what the world calls excellence (it's not the ancient philosophers' definition, though!). It makes sense, doesn't it, that in an age of individualism lived in public, individual success — well documented online! — will be most prized.
It's just not going to happen that a general outcry will arise, praising the hidden life of devotion that in this journey of ours brings lasting satisfaction. Ultimately that is probably better for the soul, don't you think? But we'll have to have fortitude, then. Because — Who will love children from day to day with a love of service, if not their mother? Who will make the home if not the wife? Who would prize financial security, public honors, and prosperity above a happy home? Even the most highly educated and smartest women have realized that all the honor in the world doesn't make up for a neglected family. Believe me, I have an email folder full of messages from ladies who turned away from the expectations of the world…
Well, even though I'm writing less here these days, I want to remind you that I'm doing my best, little as it is, to help anyone who wants to “live differently” (in the words of Pope Benedict that I have posted on the sidebar). I will always maintain that the family is God's plan for life in this world of ours, and that any sacrifice we make to fulfill His plan is worth it. And I try to show you how it can be done! In fact, that's what this blog is about.
On to our links!
- My husband's book The Lost Shepherd is available for pre-order on Amazon now! (This is an affiliate link.) It will be coming out in a few short weeks, and pre-ordering really helps a book to be better known, as this one deserves to be. So if you are pretty sure you will buy it, we would be very grateful if you did so right now! Thank you!!
- In case you are interested and in the area, on March 7 I will be speaking as part of a Lenten Series at St. Patrick’s and St. Raphael’s Parish in Williamstown, MA, which is adjacent to Williams College. My topic will be “The Four Cardinal Virtues: Living the Good in Daily Life.” I really hope to see you there!
- In the Department of Homeschooling: This idea of the Morning Basket has been kicking around — probably those of us who are long-time homeschoolers (retired even!) did something like this, but somehow when you give it a nice name, it all seems more possible and easy to explain… here is a nice link from Pam Barnhill with lots of rabbit holes for you to go down. The main thing is to have a little ritual every day (with morning Mass perhaps? a little Lauds from the Liturgy of the Hours?) that is enjoyable and edifying — and most of all, is what you want to do in your home school.
- Fr. Gerald Murray is always worth a read. Here he discusses the Kazakh bishops' “Profession of the Immutable Truths about Sacramental Marriage.”
- Also always worth reading (I'm sure Fr. Murray wouldn't mind me saying even more) is St. Francis de Sales, whose feast day was last week. This article pulls out his gentle and loving practical advice for the interior life — do read, especially as we begin to head towards Lent!
- Speaking of Lent, here is a great post about how the Church used to gently prepare us for that time with the “little mini-liturgical season” of Septuagisima. Many of the thoughts can be pondered and this time can be revived in our own homes. Perhaps eventually our priests will catch on, and then the bishops…
- A virtual tour of the Tiffany windows in the Arlington St. Church in Boston.
From the archives:
- In case you question how important the mother is to the children, I have a series on the moral education of children. This is the last post in the series and you will see that the others are linked in it.
- I know that mothers can be driven to distraction when thinking about how to “celebrate” Lent. The fact that it can't really be done must show us that it's an interior season, when the seed dies in penance and study, to come to life again at Easter. This is the work of a lifetime, so don't be impatient. Don't dig at the ground to see what progress is being made! I have lots of posts about how to live your Lent, which is the best catechesis you can offer your children! Just keep scrolling…
- By the way, dear Pam (linked above) interviewed me for a podcast a while back — I spoke with her about Order and Wonder. (You can find other podcasts and interviews I've done on the menu bar here, under “Speaking.”)
Today is the feast of St. Angela Merici!
While you’re sharing our links with your friends, why not tell them about Like Mother, Like Daughter too!
We’d like to be clear that, when we direct you to a site via one of our links, we’re not necessarily endorsing the whole site, but rather just referring you to the individual post in question (unless we state otherwise).
Robin Mureiko says
Thank you so much for continuing to speak the truth. I so appreciate it. Praying for you today.
Leila says
Thank you, Robin. I appreciate the prayers! God bless!
MamaDew2 says
Yes. God designed women to raise and nurture their children. We need to look no further than the Proverbs 31 woman.
To all those who persecute you for speaking truth, remember that Jesus said, “Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake. Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven” (Matthew 5:11-12).
Candice says
Your blog is one I come back to again and again. Even when you aren’t writing so often! A friend and I just had a discussion yesterday. She told me about a lady she knows, whose 6th grade daughter goes to a local Catholic school and is mercilessly teased because she doesn’t have a cell phone and is not on social media. As we talked, I was reminded of this blog (and your book!) and all the things you talk about. Our children need real homes, with real friends. Friends that are willing to have a bonfire with you on a feast day (one of your many wonderful posts!) And parents need friends willing to go down strange unknown (to us!) paths of liturgical and family life. It feels so often like we are just making stuff up as we go along, and even our parish priests are not all that supportive. Case in point, I asked our priest to bless some chalk got us before Epiphany, and he had no idea what I was talking about. He eventually did it, but it took much explaining, and a willingness on my part to bear quizzical looks! Anyway, a very long winded way to say thank you for all you do here. We have a long road ahead of us to change the culture, but little by little, in our hidden home life it will be done!
Leila says
Thank you, Candice!
Katie Engebretsen says
This blog has made a huge impact on my life as a wife and mother and citizen (due to my new respect for the collective memory) and it was one of a few resources that led to my conversion to Catholicism last year. Thank you for your insights on the big and the small matters of life.
Leila says
Thank you, Katie Engebretsen! Welcome to the Church! God bless you!
Anamaria says
Hi Katie! Welcome to the Church. I sent you a message via linkedin- I am looking to interview a recent convert about how they have lived out the faith since last Easter. I would LOVE to include someone who has mostly done this in her own home. Please write me back or email me (at ascapbidd@gmail.com) if a. you are willing to be interviewed or b. you know of someone else who converted last Easter who has lived out the faith in a strong way since their conversion.
Thank you!
L says
Thanks for sharing a little bit of your meditation. I’m a homeschooling mother, too. My children are very young, in fact my oldest is just learning to read. I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on my own early elementary school experience. I was very lucky to attend a school where the teachers and administrators modeled integrity, even excellence! I had faith from an early age that my teachers cared about the well being and development of their students. From some of the things I’ve read on your blog I got the impression that you also attended a nice high school. Did you ever feel conflicted about depriving your kids of that experience? What I’m getting at is that from my experience- I didn’t get the feeling that a mother is the only person who will love the children day to day with a love of service. In my mind, yes I have chosen homeschooling as an act of devotion, but I suppose I’m refining my sense of conviction.
Leila says
Dear L — Ideally, there would be schools. School is a good thing. Sadly, I think that they are hard to come by in our society at the moment. But what worries me now is the slipping away of the idea that a woman has a vocation to make the home — that somehow pretty much all of it can be outsourced or must be because of the difficulties of modern life, when really, a home without a mother in it is a sad and cold place indeed. The particular choices about homeschooling, earning money on the side, and what have you are, in my view, to be considered within this overall commitment.
L says
I see what you’re saying, thank you!
NgoFamilyFarm says
Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful meditation! I feel it is especially difficult to maintain the conviction (with joy, anyway) when it’s the father/husband who encourages the mother to work outside the home.
-Jaime
Leila says
Jaime, husbands have to be encouraged. If society gives no help to the woman who wants to answer the call to be devoted to her family, it heaps scorn on a man who dares to be a man, and frightens him into thinking that he won’t be able to provide. Sometimes he buys into it because he’s afraid to admit that he’s scared.
It’s important in a marriage to be talking all the time about what this enterprise IS ALL ABOUT. We have to encourage each other in sacrifice and in avoiding the sense that what we really want is to be comfortable. Maybe this Lent is a good time to do some reading, talking, and praying…
Lauren says
Thank you for this comment, and your reflection. It has given me encouragement (as your blog always does) while my husband and I figure out how I can dedicate more time to my vocation at home as we prepare to welcome baby five. It has been difficult for me to not just send him all of your posts and say, ‘See, just read these!’ I guess we do need to actually TALK… and pray. He has been so supportive of past changes, and I need to remember to keep encouraging him, too! Thank you again.
On another note, my 3 year old peeked over my shoulder while I was reading your comment, saw your picture and said ‘Who is that pretty girl on the ‘puter?’ 🙂
Maggie Kelly says
Do you realize the irony though — that you yourself sort of have a career, advising women not to have careers? Which is fine, but doesn’t it demonstrate the point that women have so much to give and do beyond the home, and that it’s right and just that they do these things?
mrsnightskyre says
Of course women have skills and merit outside the home… the problem has been that our society at large *completely discounts* anything done in the home and for the family, when that should instead be a top priority for a married woman!
Personally, I’ve been out of the workforce for almost 10 years. I’m looking forward to having the freedom to do a bit of paid work and contribute to society in ways other than raising my children and feeding my family – but those wills till come first. If “work” gets in the way of being conformed to the image of Christ – who, though he was God, humbled himself to be a servant – than I need to cut back or eliminate “work”.
Anamaria says
To me, this is encouraging! Yes, I have gifts that can serve the wider world- but, for most of us, life is long, and I can keep the home as a priority, always, without thwarting these gifts–or neglecting my home and family during this intense season of life with small children. To quote Auntie Leila, “A woman’s vocation is gestational in nature.” I have often meditated on ways that might be true with other gifts. My own mother, too, is an example of this- she did write when we were young (as I do now, actually), but always in ways that she was able while putting the needs of the family above her career (in her case, definitely a career!). Now she has written multiple books and won the biggest award the Catholic Press Association gives.
I totally agree with your comment below that work and home are much more separate than they have been throughout most of history, when the woman’s sphere and man’s sphere had much more overlap (both worked at home, but him further afield or in his shop, etc etc). I really applaud couples who are able to integrate this in the modern economy, even partially- like women who have etsy shops, or the man works part-time as a plumber and then grows a lot of their own food (real example). For my family, this is far from a current option, so we do the best we can given the economic reality in which we live. More people leaving the home everyday, physically or mentally, doesn’t seem to be a good answer.
(And since my at-home money making abilities are limited to things I can do on a computer- writing- that really limits the amount of paid work I take on.)
Maggie Kelly says
I think we also have an overly-bifurcated understanding of home and work, very particularly American 20th century. In other times and places, home was the site and center of production, and women worked alongside men — producing things needed by the world outside — all their lives. Christopher Lasch and others have written on how home became newly separate from work in the 1950s and this caused anxiety and loneliness for women.
The ideal of the woman who tends only to the home and the children was invented very locally and recently, and there’s no reason we can’t try to integrate things (work for the world, work for the home) on a different model.
Katie says
Yes yes yes. This.
carolynsthrive says
It was by critical necessity that women had to work outside the home prior to the prosperity of the 50’s. The acknowledged understanding was caring for children and nurturing them while creating a stable environment was quite sensibly the optimum for a healthy society. If it could be done, it was. You can quantifiably assess that the progress of a first-world culture where human potential is best encouraged is where the child is secure and nurtured in a stable environment. “integrating” work outside the home while the child is dependent requires other loving,trusted adults who have the child’s best interest in mind. In those olden days it was grandmothers, aunts, older siblings etc. who helped fill the gaps a hard-working mother might create through necessity.
Margaret says
Thank you so much for this reflection. I think it’s an important point you made, that it’s hard to advocate for a family-centered lifestyle, because we are too busy (and happy!) living out our lives in our homes to go out and be public spokesmen. It is truly a hidden life.
Leila says
Yes, Margaret, it is hidden! Thanks for your comment.
Leila says
Maggie Kelly — I am not surprised at your comment, because I find that one of the most common responses to anyone saying what I’m saying — that a woman is the home-maker and that children need their mother — is to suggest that this stifles her creativity or limits her — or, in your words, that she “ONLY tends to the home and the children.” Yet nowhere do I say this…
What I do can hardly be called a career, but even if it were, I never even thought of it until my children were mostly grown. They and my husband came first, and the sacrifice (if you can call it that) was, of course, more than worth it — it was a great gift to me to do it, poorly as it was accomplished. Thinking that children can thrive — and that a marriage can thrive — when the woman puts her individualistic goals first is sadly mistaken. And for that matter, she herself will be stressed to the breaking point.
Katharine says
I completely agree. I’m a mom of 3, oldest is eight and the youngest is one. I always assumed that I’d be a stay-at-home mom once I began to have children, despite enjoying work and academia. It didn’t work out that way.
For much of the time I’ve been a mother, I have also been employed, sometimes in and sometimes outside the home. And it has been HARD.
My family has struggled consistently with the very basics– is there anything to eat? Is there clean laundry? Do we have time to finish homework AND get to the grocery store AND get to church AND… who will watch the children when they’re sick? Who will cover all my shifts when I’M sick?
Ultimately, my husband and I have realized that we, he and I, have been competing against each other for time and space to get our work done, with the other person taking charge of the kids and wondering uncomfortably how to catch up later. We eat out too much, compromise on quality, and waste food because cooking healthily (and tending to dietary difficulties) takes time we often can’t spare. And I feel that I’m outsourcing all the most important things. School and Netflix will entertain, educate, and encourage the kids. Chick-fil-A and Lunchables will feed us. Breastfeeding fell completely by the wayside. Church is somehow impossible to get to. I’ll see friends and family… Someday? And my marriage gets rushed into a stolen hour or two every other night or so, time when we SHOULD be getting sleep for the next whirlwind day. And always, always the guilty feeling that I’m not really giving my job its due, either.
Living like this has taken its toll. My husband and I have agreed that it’s just not sustainable any more, and with much consideration, we’re taking the plunge to living on one income and homeschooling our children. I can’t wait! I’m so tired of living to “survive” and giving everyone my second best in terms of focus and goodwill. I am excited to be able to concentrate on my marriage, my children, and our home.
Victoria says
Katharine, I will be praying for you! You and your husband switching to one income is so brave and you won’t regret it. Be sure to reach out to other families for support and advice because it does take a village!
Leila says
So true! A St. Greg’s Pocket will be invaluable in this regard! http://likemotherlikedaughter.org/st-gregory-pockets/
Rhebeka Hyland says
I’ll say a prayer for you and yours, Katherine. Congratulations on being brave!
Melissa AtLee says
What a beautiful post. You have no idea how much your words edify me. Your wisdom cuts through all my doubts. Thank you!
Leila says
Thank you, Melissa!
Ang says
Thanks for the post. I’m a scientist who decided to stay home with my kids. The best decision of my life!
Leila says
Yes, Ang, I hear from so many women who confirm what you say. It is still hard work, but so worth it!
Sarah says
Dear Leila,
I was delighted to read your thoughts on this topic today. I have often read about and talked of the importance of the woman in the home with evangelical Protestant friends. I am so glad to be reading about it from a Catholic writer! I am nursing my eighth child – born two weeks ago. My friend who has 9 -and I both say we intend to remain in the home after we raise our babies I have always held this simple thought close to my heart – as a woman I am also a place. I am the physical home for new human life – and because of my nature I am also the one to make the home for my husband and children. And primarily I do this by my presence, first and for most- by being there.
I recently also heard this comment -why does woman want to bear the consequences of Adam to toil by the sweat of her brow out in the workplace (if she isn’t in a dire reason to do so) when she already bears Eve’s consequences? It was kind of humorous but part of the speaker’s reflection on how he thought most women, bc of their God given nature are better suited (and happier) not to be in the workplace. Thanks Leila, looking forward to your new book.
Oh ps- is there any possibility your book God Has No Grandchildren will ever be in a paper copy?
Dixie says
“I am a woman; I am also a place.” My goodness. What a beautiful reflection, Sarah! I’m going to spend some time thinking about this!
Dixie says
Sorry, I misquoted! “AS a woman…” Makes a difference.
Leila says
Thank you, Sarah, for your comment. I am working now on a second edition of my book, and then I hope it will be able to be printed up! I will keep you posted!
Sarah says
I am so glad! Waiting for it to read and study the encyclical! Thank you for letting me know.
Katie Haskins says
I have revisited my decision to be a homemaker over and over (but not the decision to be a mother!) and have always come back to the reality that I am a better mother when my attentions are not divided, and my husband is a better provider and father when he doesn’t also have to play my role. I look forward to doing more volunteer type work when my children are older. I would love to give my time rather than sell my time.
Leila says
Katie Haskins, well put — and yes, here is an unsung aspect of the woman at home — her time freely given to all sorts of good works, which now the government has to take over. Of course, that is not going to go well, I’m afraid.
Maggie Kelly says
I don’t think the really difficult dilemma is so much about a woman “putting individualistic goals first” than it is about a woman wanting to give her gifts to the world beyond her home, and strengthening those gifts (which she gives) with all the world has to offer. We need to stop framing it as selfishness when it is truly a desire to give and serve. And it’s dishonest to think we don’t rely on the labor of women outside the home. Who manages all those Amazon deliveries?
Katharine says
Sometimes I think we overestimate our “gifts” and the need for them out there in the world. I love teaching, and think I have a gift for interacting with middle schoolers. But I have also married a man and brought children into this world with him. However much I enjoy teaching other people’s kids, and however gifted I might be at that, well… They’ll find another teacher when I’m gone. Maybe even a better one (more like probably, lol). But my husband doesn’t have a replacement spouse, and my kids don’t have a substitute mother! That’s a unique role that I dare not compromise on just so I can share my gifts elsewhere.
jadeddrifter says
Maggie, I sympathize with my friends who are teachers and doctors–they have a particularly difficult time embracing the idea of a woman keeping her talents in the home–but I think that people should take time to reflect on the perspective of the child who has a deep-seated need to be cared for, full-time, by his mother. I really liked what Sarah said about a woman “being a place,” I have contemplated the same concept in my mind but never put it to words like that. I think that for a child, he needs his mother to be a place that has existed before he existed and will always be emotionally available to him, just as much as we adults need the Earth solid under our feet every day and for gravity to always pull things down. Children should SEE their mother’s labor of love in the kitchen and in the laundry room every day. They need to SEE how much their mothers love them and give for them so they can understand Christ’s love. Children do not think in the abstract as adults do. I will be the first to stand up and admit that my children don’t always appreciate what I do for them, but childhood is a quiet process of cultivation. When they are grown I hope they will look back on their mother’s labor in the home as an image of the love of Christ. When a woman drops her child off with a care provider/school and works for a wage, children can’t see what she is doing; they ache for mother but society tells them to suck it up and get used to it, so they don’t properly attach (and sadly some don’t attach at all). Without a solid attachment to the mother, the child loses not merely his sense of security but a part of his humanity because he can not really learn what love IS.
And when it comes to the poor souls who pack and ship things for Amazon: they are definitely wage slaves. Our economy is backwards and the first step any individual can take to correct it is by correcting their own home life. Be the change you wish to see in the world.
Victoria says
And, as an observation, I don’t know why I’m “jadeddrifter” on this comment, but “Victoria” on the comment further up…I’m the same person, folks. Maybe I have different settings on different devices.
D says
“Without a solid attachment to the mother, the child loses not merely his sense of security but a part of his humanity because he can not really learn what love IS.” Wow Victoria as a stay at home parent your choice of words are extremely heavy.
Victoria says
Since both D and Missy have asked me to defend my assertion that a child loses a part of his humanity by being dropped in all-day care or school, I suppose I should say something about that. My bachelor’s is in sociology, with a focus on family dynamics. From a cold research perspective, we know that children have the best outcomes when they are cared for by their mother, full-time for the first three years of life. There is also some pretty ugly research about the effects of daycare on empathy and learning; that said, higher care-giver to child ratios correlate to better child outcomes, so day care is not always terrible, but I certainly wouldn’t want to normalize it. Basic psychology tells us that we are each the most connected to the people we see, touch and talk to the most.
Stepping away from the research perspective, if we consider human experience from the dawn of history until now, what culture has placed its children en masse in institutions where they experience next to nothing of nature on a daily basis, have little to no contact with any blood relatives and learn next to no practical skills (ex. keeping a garden, keeping livestock, carpentry, machining)? What is American society trying to turn our kids into? Highly efficient and interchangeable cogs in the consumerist machine. In order to push back, we have to build a strong edifice against it to protect our children from becoming cogs. The foundation of the edifice is worship of the One True God. The second course is one-half the quiet devotion of the mother and the other half is the provision and heroism of the father. Any sort of human error can erode any one person’s humanity (salvation is, after all, ultimately the restoration of our humanity), but three-hundred years ago, if you had a mother who wasn’t fully present to you (and she certainly existed) at least you were swimming in a culture that expected you to worship God and follow His laws. Today, fostering family connectedness (the home life) is one of the few tools we have left to keep our children faithful and keeping our kids faithful is really our only job as parents. The only person any of us can change is ourselves and American culture is not going to change for the better unless individuals change first and probably at great personal cost.
(DISCLAIMER: I’m not a perfect parent and I haven’t and don’t make the right choices all the time. May we all stand strong together and pray for one another.)
D says
I didn’t ask you to defend your statement. I think what you are saying are heavy words and by no means is helps us ” stay strong together and pray for one another “
Missy says
“When they are grown I hope they will look back on their mother’s labor in the home as an image of the love of Christ. When a woman drops her child off with a care provider/school and works for a wage, children can’t see what she is doing; they ache for mother but society tells them to suck it up and get used to it, so they don’t properly attach (and sadly some don’t attach at all). Without a solid attachment to the mother, the child loses not merely his sense of security but a part of his humanity because he can not really learn what love IS.”
This is absolutely false, presumptuous, and self-righteous. My children know I love them. They see it every day. They know why I work and what I do, that I do it for them. They are not “aching for mom and sucking it up,” but are enjoying time with caregivers and friends who love them, teach them about how to love and share and get along with others who are different from them. They are excited to attend daycare and excited to tell me all about it at the end of the day. They are not psychologically or emotionally damaged in any way, and their attachment to me is strong, as is their sense of security. For that matter, their relationship with their father is just as strong, because in this house we don’t think of dad as the less-important parent.
Honestly, how dare you say that a child with a mother who works outside the home loses part of his humanity and his understanding of love? That is an extremely heavy accusation to lay on working mothers, and grossly uncharitable.
Sarah says
Hi Missy,
It sounds like from your words above that you are taking others comments personally and writing from a defensive position. This is probably not the best thread to find confirmation of your personal choices in your particular set of circumstances.It seems to me that Aunt Leila is sharing encouragement and wisdom for those women who solely desire to be a house wife and mother- and may be in a position to actualize it.There are certainly many circumstances that women find themselves in that cause situations that are very different. That being said, I think it is perfectly reasonable for Aunt Leila to give voice and encouragement to women who desire and or may be open to finding their fulfillment without a job in the world too. It isn’t diminishing from women who for many reasons don’t or can’t choose this. Maybe as you read this conversation you could just see it for how it can help other women and maybe even someone you know. But for you- it may not be helpful.
Missy says
Sarah, yes, I am absolutely defensive. As you said, I believe that Leila’s purpose with this post was to encourage mothers who stay home, because they often feel invisible or unappreciated by the society at large. I know this is a very real phenomenon and I am very much in favor of building those women up and affirming that their choices and sacrifices are valid, and made out of love. Where I take issue with the post and many of the comments is in pitting this choice against that to work outside the home, with working outside the home as not only the inferior choice, but as literally causing psychological and spiritual damage to the family. This opinion demonstrates an extraordinary ignorance of social dynamics and a misrepresentation of Catholic theology, the latter of which allows for a wonderful diversity of vocations and expressions of faith in everyday life.
The reason I claim that it is not helpful is that in tearing down some women to elevate others, this post lowers all of us. We are focused not on how we can be most holy in our own lives, but how we can be holier than the Other. That does no favors to either party. Furthermore, this whole discussion is predicated on the assumption that the option to work is even a choice, which for many mothers, it is not. Millions of mothers have to work outside the home or else be destitute, and if they were to read something like this and not get the nuance that you claim exists, they might think the post is talking about them, and their burdens would be made heavier by the belief that they are selfishly damaging their children.
If, as you say, the purpose of this post is to speak uplifting words to mothers who stay home, then I would challenge Leila to review her post and clarify that, to remove any language that smacks of unfavorable comparison, and to be open to hearing stories that differ dramatically from her own.
D says
Well said Missy. It’s sad to see views like Leila remove the graces working mother’s ALSO receive as
they commit to their families, homes, and society. Why must it be black or white? We were made MORE. I respect Leila’s point of view as what it is HER point of view. This is not a moral issue or a right or wrong answer. What out of line is to place your views as THIS IS THE BEST WAY of doing it-which is a subtle under tone of the entire blog post. Praying for you Leila. May God grant you the wisdom to speak truth when needed.
Katharine says
Hi Missy,
I’ve read many of your comments, and I think I see your point of view. What I feel that you might be misunderstanding is the scope and aim of Leila’s perspective. I have an analogy that may or may not be helpful– please take it with a grain of salt?
As a child of a divorced couple, I have been reassured many times through many sources that divorce is a rational, normal, healthy response to pressures within a marriage. I have heard lots of divorced couples insisting that “their children turned out fine.” I’ve heard that we “shouldn’t judge” on the issue of divorce. And the more this rhetoric gets a foothold, the more (in my opinion) dangerous society becomes, because divorce becomes a norm.
This is NOT, however, to say that there aren’t real, definite, necessary reasons for divorce in SOME cases. That is true. Totally true. And if a lady, for instance, on this comment thread were divorced, I wouldn’t presume to know her circumstances and judge her divorce. And I definitely believe that God understands and knows these circumstances, and that He can and will give grace to us so that we can work through them and prevent lasting damages.
But I resent being told that “I can’t judge” and there “shouldn’t be any comparisons” because “someone’s feelings might get hurt.” What the world needs are actually more people willing to take a risk and say, “Divorce is a bad thing! It is not safe, healthy, or normal. It puts men, women, and children at very real disadvantages. It can leave irreparable damage. To allow the divorce trend to keep on going is to invite real, disastrous problems to our society in general, and to families and individuals in particular.
Again, I don’t want to point fingers at a stranger and say, “Aha! you divorced your husband! There’s no reason for that. You’re bad. You’re a bad woman.” Because there are exceptions to the general rule that divorce is bad.
(Whew, this is long. I’m sorry.)
While a mother prioritizing her career over her home and children isn’t the same as a divorce, there are still the same sort of logical steps involved in the argument.
There IS an ongoing, growing trend in our society to view homemaking and childrearing as “lesser” activities, and to encourage women to prioritize other things– especially their “careers,” instead. This trend sees mothers as good, but not unique; it tells us that childcare is a boring and non-lucrative task that can be done equally well most of the time by relative strangers in a daycare center, as long as they’re properly trained. It tells us that “making a home” is a silly, old-fashioned idea, and that the home really is not much more than a place to sleep, occasionally eat, store our stuff, and watch TV. Keeping it relatively clean and organized is boring and non-lucrative work that anyone can do, so both spouses and the kids just split the work and move on. Or even better, they hire a relative stranger to do it for them. (No word yet, really, on how to outsource one’s marriage. Yikes! Kidding, kidding.)
Now this is not to say that in particular instances, there are VERY good reasons why a woman needs to work outside the home, hire a housekeeper, or have a nanny or daycare helping her with her kids! There are certainly circumstances where that just HAS to happen. I have lived it myself for years. (I am hoping, by the grace of God, to transition out of it back to being at home full-time (even though I know from experience that sometimes that is harder and less “rewarding” than working outside the home), because I find it SO hard to prioritize my home and family with the amount of time I have leftover after work.) I also think it’s totally reasonable for husbands and wives to take on the chores that make the most sense for them– and these don’t always fall along traditional lines. My mother and grandmother, for example, are very handy with fixing things. My husband is a great cook. I actually like taking out the trash! Every family and couple is different, and there’s totally room for that.
But I resent being told that I “mustn’t compare” or “make judgments” about the overall trend of devaluing mothering and homemaking. I think we need people to be bold and push back, and say, “Children need their mothers! Mothers are unique and cannot be replaced by daycares or nannies or after-school programs. Homes need homemakers, even not-very-good ones, because homemaking should be done with love and an eye to the future, by someone with an intimate perspective on the people who live in the home. Homemakers can’t be replaced by housekeepers or chore charts! And women are NOT devaluing themselves, taking second best, missing out, giving up, or slacking when they opt out of the career rat race. We need people to be honest, too, about what happens to our society, and to many families and children in particular, when it is considered NORMAL and healthy that mom is not available because she gave pretty much all of her energy and time elsewhere. The trend is not healthy. It is not helpful. It is not good.
Again, this doesn’t mean that if I see a working mom (uh, or just look in the mirror?) I’m going to point fingers and say, “You’re a bad mom! You’re a bad woman! Your kids are going to be warped and miserable, and God hates what you’re doing!” I know for a fact that I took my job because it was needful. I know many women are in that boat. I pray that He will give grace and help to our family. Particular cases are not the issue here. There are good reasons why some of us are an exception to the rule.
That doesn’t mean there’s no rule. And it doesn’t make it mean, hurtful, or bad to point the rule out.
In conclusion (*clears throat awkwardly*) I think you may be hurt and angry because you feel that Leila is judging any and every woman who has a job, even if she doesn’t realize it or admit it. But what you may not have realized is that she really isn’t. She understands exceptions to the rule. But she still feels the need to explain the rule and the consequences of unnecessarily breaking it, especially as a society-wide trend.
Robin says
Fourteen thousand times, yes!!!
jadeddrifter says
Very well said, Katherine! But as to outsourcing marriage, I believe prostitution and pornography have cornered the market.
Maggie Kelly says
And Leila, you certainly have a career. You are a blogger and a writer. You influence thousands of women at least. You are a career woman!
Leila says
Dear Maggie, I love you but — please don’t say I’m dishonest. It’s rude and it shows that you are not listening. Pope Pius XI said that women would become wage slaves if they insisted on an equality that took them away from their families, and the ensuing 80 years have done nothing but prove him correct.
And it’s pretty clear to anyone checking in here expecting a post that I prioritize my family; and that there is no way I could possibly be making much money on this blog or anywhere else. If anyone, including myself, were depending on this “career” of mine for cash or prestige, they clearly would be poor and neglected. But the fact that you even think of it that way shows that a woman who even makes the attempt to put her family first ends up influencing many people… even despite herself!
Kelsey says
Amen. My own mother – a very good mother – worked full or part-time for the majority of my growing-up years. (My father was older and did retire early, so during my adolescence he was home, which I am thankful for.) But – which house did I and my group of friends congregate at? The one house where there was a mother at home. This woman was generously endowed with “gifts,” and she shared them with us in those very tender, formative years. Women have many gifts, women ARE a gift, but perhaps the best way to share that is to stay still long enough to receive those who are aching for it.
Rosie says
I work full time, among other reasons, because I am a better mother and wife when I work. For me, being a stay at home mother led to literal mental breakdown. Now that I work, my time with the kids is shorter, but it is much more patient and happy for all of us.
Leila says
Rosie, God bless.
Missy says
Must be so nice to be able to “decide” to stay home, then pat yourself on the back for your “sacrifice.” Some of us find that our families are healthier when mom works outside the home, and don’t appreciate being told we’re lesser wives or mothers for it. And some don’t have a choice at all due to economic reality, but I’m sure the extra helping of guilt is exactly what they need.
This is an incredibly self-serving and narrow-minded post. I strongly recommend speaking more with faithful mothers who work outside the home, with an open heart to their perspectives. And when you offer much-needed encouragement to SAHMs as I believe you intended to do here, try to do it without belittling those who care for their families through different means. This manufactured us/them conflict helps no one.
Leila says
I really never use the term SAHM or stay at home mom. It doesn’t reflect what I’m saying here or elsewhere.
Missy says
Stay-at-home-mom, Work-at-home-mom, whatever. A mom who is at home during normal business hours. That’s what you mean, and if you’re going to quibble about terminology, then you completely missed the point of my comment. If I misunderstood your meaning, I would very much appreciate clarification.
Leila says
If you’re thinking about all this, dear reader — think also of the husband, not just of the children, as much as they need their mother.
The husband needs a home to return to. At first, when the marriage is new, it all seems so easy, in a way. The tasks are easily divided and the pleasures of making a home are shared. But as the decades go by, the husband is the one who has to do battle with the world. If he doesn’t have a haven to rest in, a person to be grateful to, he will be defeated. My husband and his friends are very clear on what makes the battle possible for them. The knowledge that HOME awaits (so funny bc my husband works at home! But still.)
When the woman works, the husband must fight her battles (because that’s his nature to do so) and his own. It’s too much. When the woman works, the stress of the battles she faces don’t lessen the ones at home, and then something has to give. Too often, it’s one’s own children who seem to be the problem.
And then think of all the others — the lonely, the elderly, the orphaned. YOUR home is their sanctuary, even if only because it is a place of peace from which you are able to go out with more to give, where it’s needed.
But if everyone is out there, then who is making that safe and peaceful place?
Missy says
I respectfully ask that you consider your personal experience may not be reflective of others’, nor should it be the standard by which the rest of our situations are to be judged.
For instance, I AM thinking of my husband when I work. In fact, I work partially at his specific request. Not because he is materialistic and desires luxury, but because he works in a volatile field where a job can vanish in a moment, so he has told me that being the sole provider is too much stress for him. When I have been out of work, he has been depressed, irritable, and generally less emotionally available for the family, even though I was working hard to “make a home” for us. When I work and share the burden, he is happy, secure, and generous with his time and energy. Every day, he expresses his appreciation for my efforts as a mother and wife, so I would say he is far from “defeated.” On the contrary, he feels supported by my work, and our home is a haven for him because he knows it can’t be ripped away from us if he were to lose his job (as has happened twice before).
I have no clue what you mean by the husband “fighting his wife’s battles in addition to his own” unless you mean that you subscribe to the archaic idea of “woman’s work,” that some tasks should only be performed by women. This is not at all theologically supported. In our case, we split the cleaning, childcare, and cooking, although he might take the lion’s share of food prep because he enjoys it more and is a much better cook. We have also learned not to keep track of who does what, but instead do what needs to be done with a generous spirit, as an act of love.
We have chosen our children’s caregivers with extreme care and made it clear to our employers that family comes first, always. As a result, our children are thriving by every measure, and we are always available to them when needed. My children are not a “problem” for me or my work, but the reason and inspiration for everything else in my life.
And finally, as for the others outside the home, you’re quite right that they are best served when my home is a place of peace. As I said above, my working is a big factor in making my home peaceful. Please stop insisting that a working mother is at odds with a peaceful and stable home.
abmargarita says
Well put!
Rozy says
Oh so true, Leila. How can a family be “healthier” when the mother works outside the home? Seems like justification to me. I know that when I had to work for two years (husband lost his job and then was underemployed) it was the worst time of our lives–both of us exhausted from “slaying dragons” and too little left for each other and our five children. We’ve lived for almost thirty years with the motto: Dad makes the living and Mom makes the living worthwhile. Thanks for continuing to teach eternal truths and give encouragement to all who do our best to not follow the ways of the world.
Missy says
My husband and I have each lost a job, twice. Our average period of unemployment was 8 months. Each of those four times was the worst of our lives. Statistically, job loss and unemployment or underemployment are the most stressful experiences that can happen in family life, so I would suggest that your experience had less to do with breaking gender norms, and more to do with the simple reality that unemployment and living close to the financial margins is extremely difficult. I’m sorry you had to experience that.
Your motto is fine for your family, but why should it be for everyone? Please tell me where the “eternal truth” that a mother must not work outside the home can be found? Truly, I would like to see an authoritative source that says this.
As for how a family could be “healthier” with a mother working outside the home, I invite you to read more of the stories posted in the comments, including my own, where my home is a more peaceful and harmonious place for all of us when I work.
Rozy says
Missy, I am a Christian who believes in living prophets, just as there were prophets anciently. In 1995 the Prophet and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles issued “The Family: A Proclamation to the World.” If you don’t believe in modern, living prophets, then it won’t mean much to you. But for me it proclaims eternal truths. You are free to make your own choices, just as the rest of us are. You can defend those choices as correct for you and your family. I applaud your commitment to your family, I have no doubt they are doing well because of your love and commitment to them. For the rest of us, we enjoy the encouragement and recognition that Leila gives to woman who chose an old-fashioned, traditional path. There is room for both kinds of families.
Meredith says
One beautiful gift of the Church is the great cloud of witnesses we have in the saints, no? And when I look at mothers who have become Saints… they don’t all fit the mold described in this post. St. Elizabeth Ann Seton left her young children in NY for a considerable amount of time to travel to Italy in hopes of her husband’s healing. St. Zelie worked long hours on her lace business from home. In one of her letters, she wrote how she longed to give all her time to her children but was unable to do so. Her husband Louis sold his watchmaking business to help run her lace business! I do not argue with you that a mother who stays home is the ideal. But God can help families raise saints even amidst less than ideal circumstances. I myself am a young homemaker. After reading your post, I am tempted to judge my friends who don’t stay at home. Would you mind clarifying this for me? I know this was not your intention!
And in the Spirit of St. Francis de Sales, let us remember (myself included!) that when we respond to others, even over comments, “”Be as gentle always as possible; and remember that you will catch more flies with a spoonful of honey than with a hundred barrels of vinegar. Such is the nature of the human mind; it rebels against severity, but gentleness renders it amenable to everything. A soft word appeases anger, as water extinguishes fire. No soul so ungrateful, but kindness can make it bear fruit. To speak truths sweetly is to throw burning coals, or rather roses, into a person’s face. How can anyone be angry with another who fights him with pearls and diamonds?”
Leila says
Meredith, you are right — it’s not about judging, it’s about having the confidence and fortitude to do what we know is right, regardless of the increasing difficulties in our day. And it’s also about feeling free to speak up about it. It can’t be true that every way of life is just as good as another. We need to help each other choose the good. But that does not mean judging…
A friend who feels pressure to pursue her own goals at the cost of her family’s well being needs encouragement and real help to be honest about what she is doing. Her husband might need the friendship of other men who can withstand the undeniably strong pressure against shouldering the responsibility of being the only breadwinner. People don’t just make decisions in a vacuum, and often they hide their stresses from others. How many times, when my children were young, did I need a friend to say, “it’s worth it — the sacrifice is worth it!” I needed to know that there was another young woman out there pinching her pennies to make the one income go the distance — it gave me the courage to go on. I am totally indebted to my friends for being strong in their simple convictions, even as I have to say I was almost completely alone at first.
Molly says
So you lament working women and insist they can’t focus on their homes and families by being so, and then go on to promote a talk you’ll be traveling to give on a website where you promote your own books and your own career as an author and speaker…. It’s hypocritical and I expect better of you.
Deirdre says
Molly, I think my sisters and I would appreciate a less hostile tone towards our mother.
My mom is a now grandmother. She wasn’t on the computer blogging when I was a kid — blogs didn’t exist! She never traveled away for a speaking gig while she was in the process of raising us and teaching us and making a home around us!
Now she has a perspective and a history that enables her to share those past decades of her experience with others. It’s a service and yes, she does get paid (and nowhere on this blog does she or any of us say it’s wrong for a woman to have outside services and/or get paid for things!), but it’s not exactly a career. The point is: where is the woman’s time spent, where is the woman’s focus, what are her priorities? And priorities are different when your childbearing/child-raising years are done.
Helen Hawersaat says
Deirdre, I’d love to hear your perspective on this! I really enjoy your Instagram and your eggs, and it seems like you’re balancing a small business with being in the early years of raising a family. I’m a newlywed (no babies yet) and trying to build a studio of private music students.
BridgetAnn says
I think this post of hers might be applicable, re: time management:
http://likemotherlikedaughter.org/2016/02/how-to-use-daily-planner-to-make-time-for-things-i-love/
Jaimee says
I’m curious. How would a single mother practically adjust her life to embrace her vocation fully while having very real responsibility to financially provide? I’m not talking about looking to the past or dreaming into the future. I’m talking about the here and now, the circumstances as they are. I can share that I’ve chosen to make sacrifices with regard to financial stability to put the vocation of mother first. I say NO to many opportunities, whether they be career wise or ministry or even activities for my daughter in order to preserve the home environment I want to cultivate. I make no apologies for taking sick days to care for my daughter. That is what they are there for. I say no to clients after certain hours in order to pick up my daughter and be with her for more hours in the late afternoon and evening. I do not bring my work home. I tend to my home, to my relationship with my daughter and to her formation. I find great joy in of it, as much joy as I find in my avocation. My motherhood and home is first. My work life solely is meant to support me in my vocation. I do experience deep satisfaction from it because I am able to serve others. Both bring me great joy but in order to keep myself from losing my mind, my work serves my vocation. Not sure if that makes sense. But this is how I’ve attempted to practically implement God’s vision for my vocation according to my real world circumstances as a single mother.
Leila says
Jaimee, it sounds like you are doing the best you can, and doing it well. God bless you!
Leila says
Molly, your hypocrisy meter is set rather high, methinks. Have you ever read any blogs? Mine is hardly a career, as is highly evident. Maybe go reread what I said and say.
Molly says
I didn’t say your blog was a career, I said your career as a writer and speaker that you use this blog to promote is a career. Whether or not you call it a career or even a job, they are things you do that take time away from your family in exchange for money; call it whatever you’d like. I’ve followed you for years Laila, I’ve justified your opinions of lives different than your for way too long. It’s clear there’s no room for women who’s lives look different than your ideal here despite what we can learn from each other, so this is the last time I will be to this page, and any of your other social media outlets. You have all my prayers, and the intercession of Sts. Zelie Martin and Gianna Molla, that God will open your eyes to the glorious diversity of Catholic mother and womanhood. Peace be with you.
D says
Well said! Amen
Claire Rebecca says
I appreciate this, because I thought I was perhaps over-reacting (I read this blog post when there were no comments), but I came away with the same thought. We can (and should) be encouraging of mothers who choose to stay home and face worldly criticism, but now by tearing down others in the process!
Anamaria says
I have read all the comments on this thread (probably neglecting other duties to do so!), and this is the one I am absolutely floored by. She uses the word “devoted.” The wife and mother should be “devoted” to the family and the home. This certainly implies above all else but does not seem to say at the exclusion of all else- which probably will mean different things for different people, and different things at different stages for the same person. The woman whose professor husband loves to unwind by cooking a good meal most days is going to have more time for outside pursuits, should they be calling her, than the woman whose husband works long hours and can barely make it home on time for dinner. It may mean something different for the family who lives near a decent school than the one whose only good option is homeschooling, for the women on the less fertile end of the spectrum, for the woman who just had her first baby who still naps a lot and money is rather tight, the widow, the empty nester, the overwhelmed mother of four under five, the couple who just can’t live on the husbands income alone despite major frugality…. honestly most of the “stay at home mom’s” I know, including myself, have, at some point, done paid work as they were able and as was needed. Freelance editing, freelance writing, one day a month bookkeeping, etsy shop, exercise class teaching, pie making, one shift a week nursing- these are just off the top of my head. Because: husbands oil job was uncertain amidst oil layoffs and wanted a finger in it in case she needed to work more; desperately need the money; money is nice and still only have one baby/time to work during naps; the money is nice and really enjoy it; it’s something to offer others. But all of them begin with a devotion to the home and family and make decisions about paid work rooted in that devotion.
Anyway all of that is to stay I think this is the heart of what she’s saying- and for those of who us who are fairly fertile, still have young children, and are able to live on one income even when it’s hard (definitely understand not being able to do this despite best efforts if that income is low!), that may look similar for awhile- but a. Not the same b. Not forever and c. This is not true of everyone!! So it may look different!
Ruth says
Thank you for this meditation. I found it encouraging.
If you were to write something longer on the subject, it would be worth looking at Regine Pernoud’s “Women in the Days of the Cathedrals”. She gives a picture of women’s role in society at the height of Christendom that many ‘traditional’ Catholics would find surprising. As one of the comments above pointed out: our society has a strong work/home bifurcation and that was not the case in the middle ages in Europe. Modern society has a structure suited to modern ideas regarding people which are false. Thus, the mother’s role is more difficult to fulfill properly in our society. (I find it comforting to realize that the problem isn’t just my own selfishness.)
Second, the ten steps to communism, as outlined by Karl Marx, include mandatory work for women (outside the home, of course) and “free” government childcare. The purpose of those steps is to remove the family so that the individual is alone in the face of the all powerful government. Choosing to be a homemaker is a very significant move in countering the current socialist/communist cultural trend.
As a philosophy professor turned homemaker, I muse over these things while I work, but have no time to write them up. I look forward to reading anything you might write on the subject!
Leila says
Ruth, I’ve written from the point of view of Casti Connubii, in my book God Has No Grandchildren. Since in our day, it’s usual for anyone who works to leave the house and go fairly far away, this only strengthens the need for the wife not to add to the stress this causes, although it’s very true that in the light of history (as you point out), there are definitely drawbacks. That’s one reason for me writing here — to encourage real friendships and community so that the way is smoother.
I’ve also written about the work of Stella Morabito, who deftly probes the Marxist/totalitarian aspect of wrenching the woman from her children, husband, and home. Here is one of her best articles: http://thefederalist.com/2016/05/05/a-little-mother-prevents-big-brother/
Stephanie says
Wow!!! Why have never heard of this Stella lady!?! This is a goldmine! Keep at it Leila…keep the toehold, keep the bit of beach…there are a lot of us who are keeping our beach because you show us how!
Theresa says
Goldmine is right! Here I am, wading through this sea of comments, pulling all the articles for future reading!
Ruth says
Leila, thank you for the link to the article.
Kate says
History shows that it’s the exploitive capitalistic system, starting with the Industrial Revolution, that wrenches women from their homes. (See all the social encyclicals since “Rerum Novarum.”)
Amy says
“it’s usual for anyone who works to leave the house and go fairly far away”
I actually found the opposite – millennials are pushing the concepts of modern work schedules/ requirements and frequently work at home (remotely) for some or all of their hours. This also allows for a more flexible work schedule (timing), bending around the needs of the family. It allows for both parents (whether one or both working) to spend more time with their families than ever before. Studies have shown that the number of hours parents spend with their children had increased over the past several decades. Even as a part time working parent, I spend more hours per week with my kids than a sahm did decades ago. This is also thanks, in part, to the radical improvements in home technology (washers, dryers, etc) that free up more time, usually on the woman’s side.
Sarah says
This is true but has unintended consequences. Never was I pulled so far from my family than when I worked from home, mostly on the computer. In work-at-home situations, there are often no off hours and less boundaries. I was answering client calls, often frantic and urgent, with children also frantically pulling at me. And my husband brings work home now. Unlike work that children can join in on (cooking, gardening, cleaning), work is increasingly isolated to a screen. And if I could count the times family didn’t offer do help, “Because you are working from home, so you don’t need help”… oy. I had to give up WAHM.
Tiffany Borges says
My hand to God — absolutely my experience too. Thanks for writing that. Yes yes. To Leila’s post !
abmargarita says
Hi! I just wanted to pop in and leave my two cents. I’ve given up on reading a lot of these catholic blogs that should be natural to me as a devout wife and mother. The problem is that blogs like these often manifest that they have very little ability to accept different and permissible ways of life at some point or another, be it concerning women working outside the home, race, politics, economics, etc., and it’s hard being disappointed by them constantly. In your particular case, you are creating rules and strictures that even the church has not. Women are permitted to work outside the home and be mothers, and can become just as holy as you can in the way you are living your vocation. You do not get to make up a new religion here.
You can make a prudential argument for why this is best for you, or for some, but you cannot make a sound argument more broadly than that, and you seriously run the risk of “tying up heavy, cumbersome loads and put them on other people’s shoulders” (Matthew 23:4). I also think you run the risk of not understanding what conservatism is. Conservatism doesn’t mean keeping things the same always and everywhere and forever (which does not work in the particular case you are making anyways, considering that the type of home you describe is one that becomes more possible for the more well off with the industrial revolution). It means conserving things of value and applying them prudently to new situations and cultivating them throughout time.
(Note: reposting sorry; I wasn’t logged into my account!)
Leila says
abmargarita, actually, the Church does encourage women to make the home and raise their children. I’ve written about the relevant documents extensively here on the blog (in particular a reading of St. John Paul II’s Mulieris Dignitatis) and in my book on Pius XI’s encyclical Casti Connubii, God Has No Grandchildren.
So this is not me making up a new religion. In fact, the actual new religion is that men and women are exactly the same and that children don’t need their mothers. This new religion has caused a lot of anguish, hurt the poor, and broken up families — even to the extent of eradicating the very IDEA of family.
I didn’t actually describe any “type of home” — I simply said that the woman shouldn’t put individual goals or outside honors above making her own home and being devoted to it, because it will suffer and so will she.
D says
And why working outside the home causes women to put individual goals and/or outside honors
Megan Harper says
From everything I have found, it does not appear the Catholic Church dictates that women stay home. Some who worked out of the home did important work and became saints. I am a little worried that you are making something into a moral issue when it is not; each of us has our own vocation and has to prayerfully ask God’s will to be revealed. It sounds like you have done this for yourself and built a beautiful life for you and your family, but I don’t think it’s possible that you can discern God’s will for all mothers.
Leila says
Megan, see my answer to abmargarita, above.
Kelsey says
Leila, I am so grateful for everything you have written and continue to write. I found this blog before I even met my husband and now we have three children – I cannot overstate how massively influential you have been and how better off my whole family is because of your wisdom and practical
advice.
I really think that those who are getting upset are missing the point. If anything, Leila, you have always encouraged your readers to follow the Holy Spirit’s prompting in their own lives, rather than follow some kind of artificial path. The main thrust of this blog is not Woman Cease Your Work, but rather… wife and mother, cultivate your home. Whether you earn a paycheck or not is almost accidental, except that in our society right now things are construed so that it is very difficult to do both. Yes, St. Zelie worked, from home most of the time. She also sent her older daughters to boarding school, employed help, and expressed not infrequently in her correspondence how much she longed to stop her lace-making and focus on her home. Yes, St. Gianna worked. She also lived in a time and place where that was unusual – i.e. there was a strong culture of home already in place – and, as a matter of fact, she and her husband had agreed that she would have stopped working if they had had a fourth child.
Our culture today is suffering tremendously from a horrific lack of family stability, joy, real love. The only antidote is to stop running around so much and focus on nurturing what we have been so graciously given.
Leila says
Thank you, Kelsey — so well put!
Margaret says
Thank you, Leila for all that you do. Your blog is an enormous encouragement to me, even now when my two youngest children are teenagers. Seven of our ten children are married, and all of the wives (all of them college graduates) stay home with their children, as did my own mother, and my husband’s mother, and most of our siblings. When you have a family community like this, it doesn’t seem like a sacrifice, but something normal and obvious- who would want to let someone else raise their children for them? Of course, there are people cannot do this, for various reasons, but if they see staying home with the children as the best way, then they will do everything possible to “make up” the lost time with the children, by cutting out extra activities that would take away even more time from their family. Recognizing the “ideal” can help them live out the “real” in the best way possible.
Leila says
Thanks for this comment, Margaret — I think when your children are grown you see much more what is at stake!
Kelsey says
I just have to say another thing: as much as the working mothers who are commenting seem to feel rather embattled… well, things are really hard for mothers who stay home, too. In fact, life is just difficult. I would not take offense at an article written to spiritually encourage working mothers. Why the backlash toward these beautiful words of consolation for those women who have chosen a different path?
Missy says
And here we go. Now we’re going to argue about who has it harder.
Motherhood is hard. It’s hard whether you work outside the home or not, it’s hard whether you have family to help or not, it’s hard whether you have a lot of resources or not, it’s hard whether it’s your first child or your tenth. IT’S HARD. It’s not a contest.
WHATEVER choice a mother makes for her family – to stay home and be a full-time caregiver, or to work outside the home – I believe that she makes that choice out of love, in good faith, with prudence and the desire to sacrifice and give generously to her family and society at large.
Working mothers feel embattled because of attitudes like what has been explicitly expressed here: that the choice to work outside the home is not only inferior, but is actually psychologically and spiritually damaging to the family. It’s not inferred, it’s specifically stated, even after charitable requests for clarification. I ask you honestly, if the purpose is merely to uplift women who stay home, why must such dire words about working mothers be said? What about belittling one group uplifts the other?
Let us say that the post you mentioned were written, offering spiritual encouragement to working mothers. Here’s a potential snippet: “It’s difficult to hold onto simple convictions, like that children need an example of using their talents to serve others outside the home; that it’s ultimately enjoyable, important, and spiritually healthy for a woman — even a woman who could stay home — to give some of her energies to a vocation that both uses her God-given talents and helps financially support the family; that when a family relies upon only one income and places all the burdens of homemaking on one spouse, everyone from the baby to society suffers.”
How does that make you feel? Do you feel that working mothers are being encouraged here? Or do you also feel that mothers who stay home are being explicitly attacked as harming their families?
Katharine says
When I read your example snippet, I had to chuckle a bit. Because I’ve read those things so many times in so many places. Honestly, it made me see Leila’s point even more clearly: not many mothers are being told that motherhood and homemaking ARE a real, important, even crucial career choice. Instead we are constantly reassured that giving our best hours and energy ELSEWHERE is a good example, a healthy/fulfilling choice, etc etc etc. And who can even say that and know it factually? The people who can really answer that question probably won’t. It would have to be children who grew up with their mothers full-time homemaking at times and not full-time homemaking at other times, by choice. It would have to be children who not only experienced those differences but felt able and free to discuss and critique them.
And here, I’ll be vulnerable myself for the sake of the argument. There have been windows of time in my life where I did stay at home full-time, and it was rough. I was raising little babies on hardly any money. And sometimes I hated it. I could understand how other moms felt better about themselves, felt like better mothers, if they went to work. Work kept them sane. Yeah, I get that. And I certainly don’t want to judge any mother who has experienced real chemical or psychological problems that were exacerbated by the demands of motherhood. That’s a whole different ballgame and my heart goes out to you!
But… That wasn’t MY problem. My problem was just. plain. old. selfishness. I resented and often complained about the messy, exasperating, physically hard work involved in mothering little ones. I avoided as much work as I could. I wasted time on the computer. I acted helpless instead of just doing my chores and growing up a little. And ultimately, I look back on that with regret. Sure it can be a relief to “be with grownups” and “be able to go to the bathroom when you want!” But I would trade all my job time, even at jobs I’ve loved, to go back and try again to be a dedicated full-time mom, this time with a sense of humor and a work ethic.
Kelsey says
Nope, not arguing that anyone has it harder than anyone else. Everyone has their cross. I have worked outside the home with kids and now I don’t. Both are tough in their way.
I honestly don’t think I would react very strongly to an article that stated that. I would disagree with some of what was stated, but so what if one other person out in the universe disapproves of my choices? There are many ways in which my family “lives differently” and I am becoming more and more immune to cultural scorn.
Leila’s message is that the home is crucial and it is the wife/mother who makes the home in its deepest sense. This needs to be said in a society where many families do little more together than sleep under the same roof.
Leila says
To anyone tempted to play the hypocrisy card (that I have a “career” telling women not to have careers) — don’t be silly.
My children are grown. Our livelihood depends on my husband’s income.
I am somewhat creative in an almost completely non-lucrative way, and I spend most of my time on this blog encouraging women to be creative. I have never ever said that a woman can only cook and clean or even that she shouldn’t earn money. I never use the term stay at home mom other than as clumsy shorthand, and even rarely then or if ever. I am well aware of the vast history of mankind, during which women worked alongside their men and/or ran businesses or what have you, including St. Zelie (who nevertheless was super stressed out to the point that I could barely read her letters). BUT.
We live in a time where virtually all the voices are in unison to urge a woman not to devote herself to her family. I have a voice, and my voice will be lifted to say, it is good and fitting to make your home and take care of your husband and children.
Missy says
1) Point me to a voice that is telling mothers not to devote themselves to their families. I’m not talking about the ones telling women to stay single and not have kids, I’m talking about voices telling married mothers that they should neglect their families for work. I’ve never heard that, ever.
2) I agree, it IS good and fitting to make your home and take care of your husband and children! It is ALSO good to care for your family while working outside the home, if that is appropriate for your situation. It is good that you care for your family in the best way that you can.
mrsnightskyre says
“You can have it all” is telling women to neglect their families. (Because if you “have it all” at work, you cannot also “have it all” at home.)
“Don’t get pushed onto the ‘mommy track’ ” tells women with advanced degrees (doctor, lawyer, scientist) that their careers are more important than the health of their families.
Or how about these?
“Don’t your kids drive you crazy? How do you do it all day?”
“When are you going back to work?”
“Don’t waste your degree.”
“When are your kids going to school?”
“Oh, you don’t work?”
I have heard all of these. Show me in any of these quotes how it’s *not* trying to push a woman back into (or further into) a career track without considering how it will affect her family. It’s rarely done maliciously; it’s just so woven into our culture that we can’t recognize it until we’re already fighting against it.
Of course women can balance working with taking care of their families. And some women need to work (either for financial or personal reasons). But our society has been acting for decades as though ONLY paid work has value.
We’ve also forgotten that motherhood of young children is a season, not an endpoint. Someday my children will be grown, and then I can easily “go back to work”.
Summer says
Please continue to be that voice Leila. There are so many of us who depend on your regular encouragement. Thank you for all that you do!
Gigi says
Yes, please continue! I am always encouraged by your words! Keep being a light in a dark (and very confused) world!
Lisa G. says
Why argue with a woman for saying what she has learned from her own experience, on her OWN BLOG? Isn’t that what a blog is for? It would be simple, if the content here isn’t of interest to you anymore, to just stop coming by. To demand that Leila stop saying such-or-such is preposterous; if you can’t take what she’s saying, just stay away.
I’ve never thought of her as a career-woman. Her remarks and advice here have apparently led to other things (by the grace of God) – books, groups wanting her to talk to them, whatever – and since her youngest is in college – where’s the problem? I really don’t get all this hullabaloo. The intolerance in our society isn’t just to be found at universities. 😉
Vero says
Lisa G., Yes, Yes, Yes!
Katharine says
At the risk of sounding contentious, I will say that raising babies is the hardest work I’ve ever done. Teaching, tutoring, cashiering, bookselling all PALE in comparison. My hours at work are cake compared to my hours at home. So for those of you saying that having time outside the home helps you in some way, I kind of get it, and obviously you’re not alone.
Further, for those who simply HAVE to work– your husband’s income won’t pay the bills, or you are a single parent– this blog post is not really addressed to your situation. I’ve been there too, when staying home just wasn’t possible. It’s tough. But God understands our difficulties and gives us joy and grace and ability to match our circumstances, right? Including our kids!
That said, Leila is totally right in affirming that all choices (operative word here) are not equal. It makes no sense to say that having a poor diet is just as good as having a healthy diet. Having enough blankets is as good as having NOT enough blankets. Having no downtime is as good as having plenty of downtime. All of these statements just aren’t sensible. In the same way, it is not right to say that caring for your own baby is essentially the same as dropping your baby off with twelve others, watched over by four college students. I know, because I am doing it every weekday, and although I appreciate and trust the daycare– and even sort of love it sometimes– it is NOT the same. It is NOT just as good. It’s a necessity, and it works, and I will be glad when it’s over. Even a dog owner knows this! No dog owner just feels peachy dropping off their pet at a vet or kennel! You want them back, with you, where they’re… Home!
Eh, I’m getting emotional. I will just say the same thing about food, and order, and time spent with the husband. It’s not the same when all of that is rushed, outsourced, or you have to split the work, as when it is tended to with love, consistently, during the day– so that afternoons and evenings are free for bonding and creativity and rest and play.
Again, necessity often dictates otherwise for families. Our American society does seem to envision a world where mom is a stockbroker at least eight of her 16 waking hours, with several other hours spent getting dressed, going to the gym, shopping, and commuting. The scraps she gives to her husband and kids, just before bedtime. Meanwhile, who spends the eight to twelve hours with the kids? Ah, a convenient class of lesser people– nannies, daycare workers, housekeepers, bus drivers, teachers, coaches, and tutors. It takes a village of relative strangers to raise a child.
Sorry, getting emotional again. But I do see Leila’s point about mothering and homemaking. We are in danger of buying in to a new normal where there really isn’t a lady of the house, a mom who’s on the scene and intimately cares for the family she’s helped make– instead, she’s out doing apparently more important things, and paying someone else (less money for less important work?) to clean, cook, kiss boo-boos, read bedtime stories, plan for the future, build character, soothe suffering, help with homework, and keep a watchful eye on not only the home, but the souls inside it.
Lizzy R-E says
You know, referring to daycare providers as ” a convenient class of lesser people” is really insulting. Insulting especially to those who work in that industry – there are in fact highly educated people who work in childcare. The director of the CHURCH MINISTRY where my children attend has her masters in early childhood education. All of the room leads have degrees along a similar line.
Annie Lord says
I think the point of using that phrase is to point out the weaknesses of the modern assumption that everyone work, in every case and with few exceptions. (OBVIOUSLY caveats are necessary in this conversation, because many commenters are having a hard time assuming the best of each other. Nothing I’m about to say assumes that a particular person has thought these things verbatim, but rather that, writ large, our society’s attitude towards women, work, etc. imply these things.)
There is an overwhelming assumption among people of my generation (I’m 26) that “just” staying home and caring for children, “just” tending to the home, are not worthy pursuits. “MY job as a stockbroker/doctor/consultant/what have you is SO important that I can’t scale back my hours or give it up in order to do something menial like [fill in household task here] so I’ll just pay someone to do that.” What does that imply about the people whose job is to do those things for me? Even if I would never dream of saying such a thing…
Auntie Leila is simply asserting, for the encouragement of her readers, that these household tasks indeed have a purpose and value in the creation of a home. Obviously there are cases where not everything is possible (did you read her post about hiring a housekeeper for a time?), but these household tasks indeed have dignity and serve a larger purpose, and simply outsourcing them is maybe not the silver bullet that it seems.
Katharine says
Hi, I used that phrase not because it’s what I think, but because I feel that it is a horrible idea unconsciously woven into our culture. It seems to me that our culture encourages women to think that raising their children is somehow beneath them. That it’s a waste of time. That they should have so-called careers instead. So they pay others to do the work that’s “beneath them.” I think childcare is an honorable job. That’s why I think mothers should be encouraged to do it, not outsource it!
masha says
Yes Katherine! Kathleen Norris uses similar language in her ‘Quotidian Mysteries’ to describe how our dismissal of the daily things reduces – in the cultural mindset – those who perform the ‘menial tasks’ of housekeeping and childcare.
Elizabethanne says
So much here and so many thoughts… first, Leila, you have helped me find my way many times as I grew into my role as a mother. God bless you and thank you.
Second, I’ve been to many work parties for my husband’s company and often been given a little verbal pat on the head whenI say thatI stay home with our boys and home school them. In the past I have found myself explaining, “Well, I used to be a teacher…”as if you prove thatI have some relatable skill-set. The moms who work often make the most condescending comments or aggressive ones like, “You’re amazing…I could never just stay home. I’d get so bored/ I wouldn’t be able to handle having all that time with my kids/ my kids would never listen to me. /What do you do all day?”…I could go on, but I’ll stop.
3. If you’re deeply offended by the fact that no one else is quite like mom, that’s on you. When a child is sick, who does he want? His mom. Yes yes yes to everythingKatherine said in this regard.
4. My mom went back to teaching whenI was 6. Our whole family dynamic shifted, and there were many times when she clearly burned the candle at both ends, but our home did not run smoothly and it lead to major dysfunction in the long run. If you aren’t supervising your older kids, they don’t
always make great choices. I’ll leave it at that.
Elizabethanne says
Please excuse the typos.. I’m posting ftom my phone.
Robin says
In regards to the “daycare workers” being “lesser people,” to hone in on this is to just be nit-picky. I took it as “lesser” than the mother to the individual child, not as in a “lesser” *person*.
Kristin Heider says
I have an honest question for you, ma’am, and I’d love a response. If one of your grandchildren was diagnosed with cancer, would you encourage your daughters to refuse care from a female nurse or doctor with children? If your husband was in a life-threatening accident, would you refuse care from a female nurse or doctor with children? I am a nurse. I am quite certain, through prayer and discernment, that I have unique gifts, given to me by my Father, tgat equip me to care for the suffering and dying. Specifically, I care for children with cancer. I have two small children and one on the way. My husband works for himself and for the church, and the stress of having to solely provide for our family financially would be devastating to his mental health. He is a good man, and a holy man, and we live our marriage as we’ve been called to by God. I think you really need to reflect on the fact that many of your blog readers and those you are writing to have very personal walks with God and their spouses, and you truly have no idea what particulars led each of us to the choices we have made. I think it is pridefully presumptuous to presume that you know better what God is calling me to as a wife, mother, and woman than I do. Thanks for reading and responding.
Leila says
Kristin, I’m not going to get into personal choices here, because obviously that would be inappropriate. You do what you have to do and you don’t answer to me.
The world is a big place and there have always been women doing jobs, including nursing. There is a time in life when they can do it, and sometimes they have to do it (two different things). I have always said here that the important thing is that a woman make her home — I don’t argue for a “stay at home mom” but priorities are priorities, especially when there are babies to consider.
I am happy to discuss things on the level of principle, but I will not be maneuvered into seeming to judge a particular situation.
Laura Ruth says
I love your response here. I was led to this article and particularly the comment section by a comment from another blogger on FB. And I would like to spread the word that it is a discussion on the level of principles and not personal judgments.
Mirtilli Rossi says
Lots of good food for thought here!
I definitely come to this blog to find support for my life as a mother, wife and catholic, especially my choice to devote myself full time to my vocation.
I dont want to enter into any of the debates in the comments, but i do want to say, leila, that while social media and the internet may be acreal challenge for a woman trying to swim against the current, for me they have been a blessing… your blog is a case in point! You helped me find language to explain to my husband why i want to be a homemaker, you helped me decide to homeschool when i was all alone, you have helped me learn to care for my family both spiritually and materially.
Thank you.
Leila says
Thank you, Mirtilli!
Elizabeth says
When I grew up, my mom was home and I loved it. She was waiting with tea and cookies as I got home and listened to my stories, rants, frustrations, excitements. My best friend had a mom who worked. I would occasionally go with her and the fun part was that we could eat all of the candy and all of the snacks our hearts desired. But other than that, it was watching TV and fights with her sisters and no mom around.
When my youngest brother started school, my dad encouraged my mom to start a part time job, ‘so that she could finally have something for herself.’ Her job happened mostly in the evenings and weekend, so she was still home most of the time. But she would be busy making calls a lot more and in general, be more absent minded. By the time my youngest siblings were teenagers, she worked 4 days a week and I saw my brother and sister eat all of the snacks their hearts desired and be glued to screens every afternoon. I can’t tell you how much I pitied them and vowed to never work as long as there were children in the house. Toddlers need mommy, but teenagers just as much.
Elizabeth says
Here in Belgium, childcare is very cheap and the state takes an excellent job taking care of children. Most kids see their parents about 1, max 2 hours a day. When they eat breakfast, when they eat dinner and when they take their bath. So when does the parenting happen? During the weekend? When they visit family and friends and go on fun outings to compensate for the weekdays? Who raises these kids? The State does. It’s every communist’s dream… a child raised by the State while the parents are being useful worker bees…
Katharine says
So sad.
Jessica says
I mean, my teenage sister (14 years younger than me) also has a lot more privileges and a lot less attention from my parents than I ever did, but my mom’s outside-the-home obligations didn’t really change. I think all oldest siblings think that their parents got lax with the younger ones. That doesn’t necessarily mean that a mom going back to work was the cause.
kathleenlavey says
My devotion to my children includes making sure they eat and have a roof over their heads. That’s why I work. I also work because I like it; my job is meaningful and fun. My children are well-cared-for and normal. If you want to stay home, that’s fine; I don’t criticize it. But why do you criticize the choices of others????
Leila says
Kathleen, good for you — you do what you want to do. I am not aware of having criticized anyone’s choices; if that person feels criticized, there is not much I can do about it. The issue of women feeling pressured to seek honors outside of the home is a real one. Families in general are suffering. I offer support and encouragement for those who see that the sacrifice of the security of two incomes and honors from the world are worth the reward in making the home.
Ashley says
Just wanted to say that I appreciated the encouragement. It was just what I needed to hear. Thank you!
Elizabeth S says
I think we’re at a curious point in history. I assume Auntie Leila is encouraging us to prioritize our families and in doing so, to make choices that are counter to what our society and our education has taught us is best. Her example is staying home, a totally counter cultural choice that unavoidably directs priorities to family and home.
I think the economic situation of our country and our generation (“millenials”) calls for diverse examples of what prioritizing family looks like. Things may end up looking more like the past, before family work and the home was quite so divided from income earning. I know a family that homeschools and owns a business, the parents dividing days at the shop, working to their strengths, and engaging the children in their work whenever possible. I know others where the dad is the “at-home” parent during the day because only the mom’s skills pay the bills despite both being well educated (empty promises many recent graduates can relate to!). Prioritizing family in our current economy has plenty of sacrifice that goes against what we’ve been taught, but also has a lot more variety in how it appears to the outside eye. I think it’s possible to know a person’s motivation by feeling the spirit of their home and interactions, but it can’t be determined only knowing their “schedule”.
(I’d be curious to hear from Deidre!)
Annie Lord says
This makes me think of Haley Stewart’s recent post about her family’s new schedule, which she says has improved their family and home life. I think the hallmark here is that the GOAL of both mother and father, husband and wife, is to create a nurturing home for themselves and their children. The specifics will look different for everyone. But the fact that the home is the touchstone is very different from the status quo today, which does indeed see professional success, material prosperity, or both, as the goal. http://www.carrotsformichaelmas.com/2018/01/24/an-unconventional-schedule-for-an-unconventional-homeschooling-family/
Leila says
To Missy — I’m putting my response here because you have left too many comments for me to pursue them all…
In re-reading my post, I honestly cannot see what it is that has made you so angry and contentious. No one is attacking you. A person has the right to honestly assess the situation in the world and offer her response to it, especially when that response goes so completely against the grain of what is normally said.
Basically, you can go to a thousand sites to find affirmation for your choices. Yet you find it intolerable that I should offer my view of what those choices taken in a general way have meant for other women.
This blog is unlike most others in this — I am not particularly polemical. My posts are not one-off “takes” — my whole blog represents my thought, unfolded little by little. So there is no way that any one post will sum up my argument, nor will it contain all I have to say on a subject.
Nevertheless, I have taken care to present here on the blog Church teaching, natural law, social commentary (including many links to the writings of others), and experience. You are welcome to peruse the archives! You will find that I don’t reject the idea of a woman working, nor do I think that it’s wise to put all of one’s *identity* into raising children, who, after all, will grow up and leave. Rather, I try to expand on the larger idea of the home and marriage, and what it means to the world when the woman devotes herself to those realities.
No one is judging your particular situation. However, I reject the idea that I must leave each person to his choices and never express my opinion on the effect those choices have on their own lives and the lives of others. I AM judging a culture that actively encourages and is even on the point of coercing women to abandon the vocation that is particular to womanhood, in order to do other things, however worthy those things are.
Missy says
Thank you for your response. You are most welcome to express your perspective and opinion, particularly on an issue about which you feel passionately, and directed toward people whom you recognize need encouragement. Where I take issue with your comments is in two areas: one, that you felt it necessary to express that encouragement of women who stay in the home in comparative terms using extreme language: that their lifestyle is not only the better choice, but that those who choose otherwise are actually damaging their families and society. You are quite literally tearing down faithful women in order to build others up. If you want to write a post convincing working women of the error of their ways, then do so, but do not use that opinion as a way to make others feel superior. That is using people in situations you don’t know or understand for your own means, and it’s extremely uncharitable.
Second, that you repeatedly frame your opinion as the theologically sound one. I don’t doubt your education and I am sure you are sincere in your belief that your interpretation is supported by scripture and tradition, but I emphatically disagree with that interpretation, and just as you find you are called to use your voice to encourage women whom you believe need support in our society, I believe I must reach out to women who might be reading this Having made the decision to work FOR their families and with faithful, selfless intent, but now are wracked with guilt and believe they are damaging their children. I will not allow you to use them to make your point, and go unchallenged.
To your point that I can find many sources supporting the decision to work, that might be true of the secular blogosphere, but not among faithful, traditionally-minded Catholics, or even conservative protestants. No, for these groups, staying home and homeschooling are the only holy choices, and all others are shamed. So again, I find it necessary to push back so that faithful Christian mothers who work have the same support as all mothers deserve.
Finally, I must say that your repeated insistence that mothers choose to work only for worldly wealth and accolades, that they are putting their own desires first and being unwilling to make sacrifices, and that husbands who prefer not to shoulder the burden of being the sole income-earner are merely bowing to secular peer pressure, are all projections and insulting assumptions that do not apply to any of the families I know. On the contrary, this is often a prudential judgment made to protect and support the family not only materially, but often psychologically and spiritually, as well. It is terribly presumptuous to imagine you know a person’s heart and motives better than they do themselves, rather than give them the benefit of the doubt that they are faithfully and lovingly making the best and most sacrificial choice the can for their family.
In any case, I understand that we will not agree on this, and that is fine. I merely hope that anyone reading this who might have been hurt by your words will feel as supported as the women to whom you directed the post in the first place. Thank you for your engagement and God Bless.
Leila says
Missy, when you say that I am LITERALLY tearing women down and that I am extremely uncharitable, I am afraid that you are the one who is not being reasonable, nor are you reading what I have said.
So feel free to write what you would like to write on your very own forum. God bless!
Jana says
If I were to read a post that seemed to attack and judge and belittle my choices and made others feel superior to me, I would not be angry or threatened by it if I felt secure in my own convictions.
Erica Sanchez says
Same. Almost everyone outside my Catholic homeschool circle works (we are involved in a lot of sports and most friends whose children attend private school have to work to afford it). I’ve heard all of the comments about how do I do it, I could never, etc., etc. Never, ever have the comments made me mad. I am so very secure in my choices. 🙂
Danica says
I am so happy my traditionalist priest encouraged me – in the confessional – to be open to life, even though I couldn’t stay at home with children at that time. I supported my husband through law school, worked (not for wordly glory, but to pay for the rent and insurance), AND we had two children in that time (one in heaven). Now our circumstances have given me the choice to stay at home, and 3 more pregnancies later, I see it as a huge privilege and blessing! However, I am seeking to renew my professional certifications because I realize that part time work fulfills me and utilizes the gifts God has given me in a special way. It also gives my husband an opportunity to develop more memories with our children and will fuel their independence, and give me time away from home. Motherhood should not be a cloistered life. Yes, I get out and about to playgrounds and museums, but it isn’t wrong to crave professional discourse. It doesn’t mean I don’t value my family. Society should support working mothers.
In the words of Pope St. John Paul II: “And what shall we say of the obstacles which in so many parts of the world still keep women from being fully integrated into social, political and economic life? We need only think of how the gift of motherhood is often penalized rather than rewarded, even though humanity owes its very survival to this gift. Certainly, much remains to be done to prevent discrimination against those who have chosen to be wives and mothers. As far as personal rights are concerned, there is an urgent need to achieve real equality in every area: equal pay for equal work, protection for working mothers, fairness in career advancements, equality of spouses with regard to family rights and the recognition of everything that is part of the rights and duties of citizens in a democratic State.” (Letter to Women)
Leila says
Danica, I just encourage women to read the entirety of St. John Paul’s letter to women, as well as his exhortation Familiaris Consortio. I think they will find that in context, the gravamen of his remarks is to affirm the importance of women as they devote themselves to the vital institution of the family. Of course, women must be treated justly in the workplace. No one is arguing against that.
Abby says
I just wanted to add my voice to the chorus saying “thank you.” I can certainly hear and understand both sides of the scenario; I have been an at-home mom ever since my first child was born almost 9 years ago, but for 7 of those years I have worked part-time telecommuting from home varyingly from 8-15 hours per week. It was a necessity, not a desire, and it was HARD.. so hard that when I was laid off I was actually absolutely thankful. My children just don’t do as well with a distracted mom. However, it gave me enough perspective to know why some would say they are a better parent for working. I think there is something about being gone from your kids all day that does help you be more patient, etc, with them when you are with them – however, I would argue that it is the very struggling it out without the escape of going off to the office that can really aid one’s personal sanctification. Not to mention the pride of life aspect – I definitely felt “better” about myself being able to say that I was working, evidence that even though I intellectually value what I am doing, I have still internalized some of what the world has to say about it.
Also, I’m not judging anyone who makes a different choice, either by desire or necessity. But the thing I always come back to, as we struggle to make ends meet in a state with a high cost of living that is NOT set up for a single, relatively low income to cover all the bills, is that I can’t imagine how any child care, no matter how safe, loving, and educational, is quite the “same” as being home with mom. I say that because a) on a sheer physical level, I know how spontaneously affectionate I am with my kids. When they are little, I can barely walk through a room where they are without a pat, a kiss, a hug, a snuggle. I tickle their toes, sniff their heads, and tend to nurse for longer than the societal norm… I also have babysat other people’s kids in the past, and while I could do a great job at that too, there is something in biology that keeps us from being quite that free with other people’s children. It doesn’t feel natural to snuggle up with someone else’s child in quite the same way. This makes me wonder what happens to a society when the vast majority of its children get just a little bit less physical affection than Mom would be apt to give them. Also, b) I have watched friends and family with children in daycare, and aside from the scenario where Grandma takes care of the kids, the best arrangement I have seen is an in-home one where the lady only takes two children at a time. A child goes to the same place for years, and forms quite a stable and close bond with their caregiver – the parents even say how parenting the child has been made easy for them, because the caregiver has taken a real part in his/her education and moral development. This seems alright, and fine, until we consider what it must be like from the child’s perspective when the person who has, in essence been his/her primary caregiver (caring for him or her for the majority of the day 5 days a week) suddenly disappears from their life around age 4 so that they can truck off to preschool. If one’s mom or dad suddenly disappears at that age, due to death, divorce, incarceration, etc, we would legitimately recognize that as a huge trauma. Yet kids are expected to just go with the flow and in some sense learn that some relationships are only meant to be temporary.
Anyway these are just musings. I do think families try to do the best for their kids with the light and resources they have been given. But I agree with you, Leila, that when all of society heads in this direction (and makes it difficult and ignoble for a woman to stay at home and make a home..) there are far reaching consequences.
Annie Lord says
Yes – everything you say is wonderful and thoughtful, and your last sentence is poignant! Of COURSE there is nothing wrong with a woman using her creative and intellectual talents in a variety of ways, maybe with monetary compensation!
But when the societal norm – the EXPECTATION- is for everyone to work a 40+ hour week away from home, and children are simply a problem to be dealt with, that is a much different thing. (And it is that way! I am an educated woman recently married; my husband will be a doctor in 4 months. I am unable to express my tentative desire, even to my mother, to stay home with my future children without raising eyebrows!] When something becomes the norm, and we don’t think about what is being traded in as a result, we are unable to freely assess the costs and benefits of our choices on an individual level.
Annie Lord says
And I do think that a contributing factor here is our loss of imagination of what it is for a person to use their intellectual and creative abilities. Today, “personal fulfillment” pretty much takes the form of a paying job. Any creative or intellectual pursuit or hobby outside of a salaried position is treated as a dalliance or flight of fancy. With that attitude, of course being a mother at home is viewed as drudgery – what could be fulfilling about just doing the necessary tasks? But if creativity and purpose is incorporated into those necessary tasks, and maybe a creative outlet is availed alongside them, everyday life can be a pleasure!
I think of my mother-in-law, who does not have a paying job but who is an accomplished hobby artist with a social circle of other artists now that her children are grown. I was also pleasantly surprised to meet a (male) doctor who said how delightful it has been, now that his children are older, to pick up art again, having been an art major in college. We’ve lost the sense of what it means to enjoy life outside of work, whether we’re employed full-time, staying at home with children, or something else!
Suzanne says
St. Zelie Martin worked. Her husband even quit his job to join her successful business. St. Therese and her sisters were watched by their hired help, and they turned out quite well. There is no one right way to be a mother. It is a path of discernment for each woman and each family. It is entirely possible to be a good conservative woman, and also work outside the home.
Leila says
Suzanne, I think your familiarity with the Martin family does not quite cover the facts. “Turning out ok” is not the criterion for one’s own choices in life, and we are to imitate the saints’ virtue, not their particular circumstances or decisions. You are underestimating the stresses of their lives and the actual mental illness many of them suffered from.
Can God bring good out of our mistakes? Yes! Does that give us permission to rationalize those mistakes, or make them on purpose? No.
Lisa G. says
Exactly! Therese had a nervous breakdown when a small child! It’s pretty obvious what it should be attributed to.
Kate says
As far as I can remember, there was only one who had mental issues – Leonie. And we can not know what that can be attributed to. She certainly never gave any indication that her mother’s work had anything to do with it. Therese was not “mental” – she had a breakdown after her mother died, which seem pretty understandable to me. All the girls seemed sensitive and Therese highly so. According to kooky modern secular analysis all of them would probably have been consigned to therapy because they had a “religious vocation fetish.” I’m no Martin expert, but one of the impressions I got from reading about Zelie was that she was wound tight from a young age and was probably a demanding and driven mother, not overly affectionate. I imagined her as a French (somewhat Jansenistic) Tiger Mom. God leads all kinds to sanctity.
Lisa G. says
It seems to me that someone – Zelie, I believe – thought Leonie’s issues came from a negative influence from one of the domestics. Interesting, in the light of this discussion.
BridgetAnn says
Yes, Leonie was certainly influenced very negatively by the maid!
“Faithful to death, but of a violent character and utterly lacking in any notion of moral training, Louise (the maid) had prided herself upon being able to rule the girl over whom nobody else could gain any influence. She made use of her domineering manner and literally terrified Leonie, who became her slave, beaten and content to be so. *What was more serious still, more or less consciously the woman had set herself to destroy the authority of the parents*…The intrigue had been carried out in so underhanded a way that the mother was unable to discover it. In vain she made every effort to gain her daughter’s confidence…. Before long, Leonie had become a hypocrite and a rebel.” (*emphasis mine, Story of a Family, p. 237)
By God’s grace, the intercession of a deceased family member and St. Zelie’s own sanctity, the deceit was discovered and Leonie saved from the maid’s influence and her subsequent marred character.
Lisa G. says
Thank you, Bridget Ann! I knew had read it somewhere, a long time ago.
Lizzy R-E says
First off, I find it somewhat hysterical you cite Frank Gilbreth because his wife Lillian was in fact a working mother herself, earned her two PhDs while she had small children and made pretty big contributions to her fields of engineering and psychology.
Citation: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lillian_Moller_Gilbreth
Leila says
Yes indeed, Lizzy, Lillian Gilbreth was an accomplished and educated women with many gifts who certainly did not seek honors — she put her family first and when she was a widow, she picked up where she left off.
Sarah says
Lizzy,
Your response lacks kindness. There is no need to make your point in this passive aggressive way. And asking ourselves what our motivation is for posting a comment at all, might be helpful at this point in the discussion. Just sayin’
Hannah says
I don’t have much to add to the lively debate on this post, but I do have a specific question for Leila: what advice would you give to a new mother whose decision to stay home will mean the difference between one family income and no income at all?
My husband and I are in complete agreement–we want me to stay home to raise our children. As soon as we learned that I was expecting our first (due in about a month!), he took immediate steps to leave his current work (academia) and apply to law school. He worked hard to get a full scholarship to a prestigious school in Boston. Now, however, we are facing three years of school when he will not be able to work–even though the very reason we chose this path was to ensure that we could depend on his income in the future.
We have some savings, but not enough to last us through 3 years of rent, food, and health insurance for the three of us (or more!). We’ve been so fortunate so far, and I feel it would be ungrateful of me to resist working at least part-time for this season when my husband has been willing to change his entire career for our family. Is there a way to adapt the principles you’ve outlined here (and that we want so badly to follow!) for this situation?
Leila says
Hannah, I’d be happy to go into all this with you in an email — feel free to send me one! Many families have made sacrifices like the one you are thinking of, and it can certainly work out. It will be hard, but long-term goals are worth it, provided that they stay in your sights. God bless!
Catie H says
Hannah, we married right before my husband began law school and I never worked apart from my children once they came. God works out the details! I can tell you that at times it was stressful, there were seasons when the right job didn’t come through until the 11th hour, there was disapproval from others… but my husband and I embraced the ride and have always said “we’ve never wanted”. By living very frugally, we were even able to pay off his school debt by the time he was 5 years out (and truly his income wasn’t quite modest.) You can do this! God bless you, Catie
Catie H says
*was quite with modest!
(Sorry about that!)
Hannah says
Catie, thank you so much for your kind words! It is so encouraging to hear from other women who have been there.
BridgetAnn says
Catie is a dear friend of mine and I thought of her when I saw your comment. She is being modest about her family’s “success.” Truly an inspirational example! And they have a large beautiful family 🙂
Anamaria says
Hannah- my husband also switched out of academia when I was pregnant and it’s been amazing to see him flourish in unexpected ways. In our case, he took classes at the institution where he worked to become an accountant, so the question of whether or not I would work in the interim wasn’t there. I do know multiple couples, including my own parents, where the wife worked, at least part-time, while the husband finished school (and in the case of my parents, my dad was so dedicated and progressive while he was the primary caregiver while in school… but my mom was “wasting her talents” when they switched upon graduation!). I also know situations where neither worked- and an FYI in that regard, if your husband does well in the prestigious law school, he should be able to get a summer fellowship at a firm that pays as much in a summer as a teacher gets paid in a year. Prayers for you while you discern the best path for your family!
Stephen Samuel Louis Ferry says
I think you betray a great deal of privilege and frankly Protestant values in your comments on working women.
I grew up the fourth of eight children and the son of a working mother. We were all homeschooled and to keep us in clothes, food, and shelter, my mother worked. And she worked hard and we saw how hard she worked. She could have stopped working if she put us in public school. She opted to work and give us an education at home. It was an education she was not always present for but it was an education she gave us. It is an education that propelled us to our own successes in the world, in our families, and in our faith. When my father deployed for the First Gulf War, she needed to put the four who were born at that time in school and daycare respectively. You can never know that pain and you can never know that struggle. To my knowledge, your husband has never left for a war zone, leaving you to wonder if you would ever see him again and how you would care for four children. Remember that the next time you want to put down school and daycare and count your blessings for how incredibly lucky and privileged you are to have never had to face these choices.
We kept the house for her, we cared for our siblings. In reality, we merely followed the tradition of our Catholic ancestors. We are the sons and daughters of immigrants from various nations but all Catholic. You could say it is in our blood to work. And both parents did ever since we came off the boats and settled here. My female ancestors worked because that’t what they did in the old country and they needed to do it here to survive. They needed to do it in a land hostile to them and their faith. But they worked, just as my mother worked.
But to the Protestant values charge, the idea that women should remain at home does not stem from Catholic values, but from the Protestant Work Ethic, from Max Weber, and from all the No-Nothings, NINA signs, and burned convents that ever oppressed the Catholic in America. They are the epitome of the forced values the Protestant Victorians pushed on the honest Catholic worker. No where in the entirety of the Church’s teaching does She advocate that a woman not work. Perhaps because the Church Herself is a woman who works tirelessly, who is out in the world for the sake of Her children. Whatever the reason, the Church has applauded the working woman, especially in Pope St. John Paul II’s letter to women in 1995.
So when you speak about what you think is best for mothers, consider that you give only one perspective and a limited one at that.
Leila says
Actually, you don’t know what my experiences are. Your comments would be interesting to debate (especially your representation of what the Popes have to say about devotion to the home), but I won’t, since I did not say that women “should remain at home.”
Stephen Samuel Louis Ferry says
To my knowledge, he has never been deployed to a war zone. I can reasonably deduce that you do not have that experience.
You employed a clever rhetorical technique to say without saying.
“The husband needs a home to return to.” This creates an imperative, necessitating that someone make the home and in context this is the wife.
“But as the decades go by, the husband is the one who has to do battle with the world. If he doesn’t have a haven to rest in, a person to be grateful to, he will be defeated.” Reinforces the imperative of the previous sentence that SOMEONE be at home.
“My husband and his friends are very clear on what makes the battle possible for them. The knowledge that HOME awaits (so funny bc my husband works at home! But still.)” Still reinforces the previous point.
“When the woman works, the husband must fight her battles (because that’s his nature to do so) and his own.” And here you give the consequence of a wife not fulfilling the imperative of the first sentence. Funny, because in my mother’s situation, my father was literally fighting her battles and the nation’s battles.
“It’s too much.” What is? The woman working is what is too much.
“When the woman works, the stress of the battles she faces don’t lessen the ones at home, and then something has to give.” You reinforce that here
“Too often, it’s one’s own children who seem to be the problem.” Now you point out that the children suffer as well from women working.
And what advice would you give besides that women should not work, keeping, of course, with the colloquial connotations of the phrase “remain at home” as being opposed to “being in the workplace.”
If my alma mater taught me anything, it was to see what is said without saying, much like how the Nicene Creed not only affirms but rejects doctrines. Here you have created an imperative and set up a consequence for failing to meet that imperative through a woman working.
Leila says
Again, you are making this too personal. You don’t know my experiences, nor can you deduce them. However, I’ve written a lot about these topics on the blog and you are welcome to peruse the archives. God bless.
Stephen Samuel Louis Ferry says
Are you saying that a) your husband was deployed to a war zone or b) you have an experience that can be compared to it? To the first, that is news to me since I have found nothing to support the claim, though I’ll admit the imperfection of sense experience in arriving at absolute objective truth. If you had information to the contrary, that would be helpful in framing my own understanding. To the second, that would mean you would have to had some experience in the one in question to compare the experiences, which would obviously require postulate a to be true in order to be completely out of touch and prove my previous points.
Also what did you expect from making general statements? Again, if my alma mater taught me anything it was that a general principle is applied to all specifics under it. When you say that women have a particular vocation, create parameters for it, and consequences for failing it in a specific way i.e. working, then what is the reasonably prudent person to deduce. In this way, you made it personal for every mother and person with a mother–i.e. everyone–to apply their specifics to your general rule. That’s not malicious; that’s just logic.
D says
YES
Rosie says
For the record, my mother has two sons-in-law in the military, and has supported me through two deployments, including the most recent one last year, when my three children and I moved in with her and she stood by my side (quite literally, after driving me to the hospital) as I gave birth to our fourth child while my husband was on another continent in service to our country. So she is not without familiarity with the sacrifices involved in military life, NOT that she needs such in order to encourage other women in devotion to their families, and not that either of us would equate my experience with your mother’s, or presume to judge her or anyone else doing her best by her family. And, specifically, she does not say that working women fail in their vocation.
Katharine says
Max Weber theorized the Protestant Work Ethic idea. He didn’t cause it (insofar as it exists). And I hardly think Leila is operating under its assumptions. She is a product of 60’s progressivism-converts-to-Catholicism.
Andi says
Hi Leila,
I have read most of this thread, although it got a bit too lengthy for me to read every comment, and I wanted to chime in and thank you for your words and say that I understand that you are discussing principles, not specific situations! I have had to work for almost all of my daughter’s life (she is five), due to unemployment and other challenges on my husband’s part, and I struggled greatly with guilt over it for a long time. God finally gave me peace by showing me that He had required this of me, and that He had the grace to fulfill me and care for my family in that situation. He led me to a job that I love and that is flexible to allow me to spend more time with my daughter than many other positions would do. Feeling peace is a great thing. I understand what many of the working moms on this thread are trying to say – if God has called us to work, that’s ok! And I understand that you never said it wasn’t ok!
Now that my husband has stable work and we are starting to hit some of our financial goals, the option of staying home is again on the horizon. I’ve felt that tug to stay at work. Reasons like I only have one child, and she’ll be in school soon – can I justify staying home? Or like that I enjoy my work and it really does bless my family. But under the surface, I recognize that temptation toward accolades that you are talking about. I really enjoy the respect I feel I get from others when I have a “professional” answer to that “what do you do?” question. It feels good to feel useful by the world’s standards. And women who stay home are denied praise from the world, and that is hard! Most people that are taking issue with what you’re saying here are refusing to acknowledge the fight that you so wisely bring up – we are constantly tempted to seek affirmation from the world, rather than from God. And God prioritizes everything differently than the world does.
I’m not saying that I’ll stay home for sure when the time comes, and I understand that you’re not specifically telling me to! The important thing to do is analyze the reasons we have for the choices we make very carefully, confess our sins of selfishness or false motives for our choices, and make sure that we are always prioritizing service to and care for our families, however that may look in our particular situation.
Thank you for your continued encouragement. I appreciate this blog so much!
Adele says
Thank you for your thoughts and your encouragement. You and your blog are such blessings.
Robin says
Here, here.
Cary Schmidgall says
Leila,
Thank you so much for this blog and this post. I sent the link right away to my daughters-in- law thanking them and giving them support.
I certainly wish that I’d had this blog while I was in throws of raising a family, but when I did begin reading, I found it a goldmine. (My youngest is the same age as your youngest). The Little Oratory is now the gift I give for weddings along with some cash to help start a little oratory for the couple.
So many comments on this topic, I could make. I have had experience in all realms of this conversation. Being a child of a mother devoted to the home who then had to go to work (out of necessity). Then myself being a mother who worked (public school teaching) out of the home, to being a mother dedicated completely to home and family. Your conviction, Leila, to show us through the Church that we need to embrace our vocation as wife and mother is the voice we need to continue to hear. Thank you so very much.
Kate says
I have mixed feelings about working mothers because my mother worked and she was not very good at balancing work and home life. My parents owned a small business and in the beginning it was necessary for my mother to work alongside my father to get the business off the ground. For a long time they could not afford to hire someone to do what my mother did. When the business became stable and successful, my mother still worked full time there – because besides being skilled at what she did (which is partly what made the business successful), she enjoyed her work. The plus side was that hard work of both my parents enabled them to be small business owners (not wage slaves) and since the workshop was next to our home, our parents were always available to us. Since we grew up in the family business, we all learned valuable skills and good work ethic. My parents’ business enabled them to send their children to Catholic schools (No, my mother could never in a million years have homeschooled, even if it had been popular at the time) and college. The downside was that my mother poured herself into her work. She could not turn off her work brain, like my father did. There was a lot of stress and tension in the house. Meeting deadlines, making deliveries, dealing with customers and employees competed with the need for meals (we ate a lot of TV dinners and fast food) laundry, school activities, and the normal large family drama. It wasn’t miserable; I do have fond memories of my childhood – but most of those center on my father, not my mother. My siblings and I often felt like we came second to my mother’s work. She was just a very driven woman and not naturally maternal. Working outside the home, exacerbated those tendencies. I don’t know if a woman with a different personality could have made it work better.
I never had a desire to work full-time because of that experience. I do contract work at home now that most of our children are grown. It’s work I enjoy doing because I am using creative skills I (ironically) learned from my talented mother. The money pays for health insurance (a healthshare program) that my husband’s job does not provide in this precarious economy. I do tend to get absorbed in my work, so I do have to be disciplined about scheduling work hours and listening to my husband when he tells me to call it quits. Then again, the same thing happens when I’m working in the garden. My husband and have always worked as a team. We don’t divide work according to gender. He helps with the homeschooling and the driving; I’m pretty handy with power tools.
I did not work when our children were young and I was still fertile, so we went without health insurance and many other things. Sometimes we were able to pay for births out of pocket, sometimes the state paid for a hospital birth. Not everyone can or wants to live that way. My sister works to help pay the mortgage in an area with a very high cost of living while her husband’s job provides the expensive health insurance needed for their handicapped child. A friend owns a small business with her husband. She’s become more involved as her children have gotten older. At her husband’s request, she travels with him on business trips – because it is a field were there are a lot of women and he wants to avoid temptation and anything that seems inappropriate. And this lady is just a dang good business partner. Another friend has begun using her math degree to do work in tax preparation outside the home She and her husband married later in life and her husband’s retirement pension will not cover their COL with children still at home. Another friend keeps the books for her husband’s contracting business and has occasionally had to do part time work in those famine seasons that come to contractors. I could go on and on with different scenarios of working mothers. I know what I can and can’t do to run a household and care for our children, I would never presume to tell other women what they should and shouldn’t do.
I know what you are trying to say with this post; I think you should have done it in a more prudent way.
Kate says
By more prudent, I mean that you shouldn’t have thrown these thoughts out (somewhat randomly) at the beginning of a “Bits and Pieces” post. It might not have raised as many hackles if you had devoted a longer post to it and developed the thoughts more, also including links to archived posts and papal encyclicals or research articles. I know you are busy with a book and your daughters are busy with their young famiies, so blogging here is rare these days. But in the future, I suggest that you don’t touch on such an important topic, if you can’t give it your full attention. It would probably still tick some people off, but at least they’ll have more meat to chew on as they growl at you.
It seems that recently the orthodox Catholic world is turning on each other on social media. It’s just completely cray, cray out there, as my daughter would say. It makes we want to stick to cooking blogs and youtube videos about how to strain dirty beeswax (I need to sacrifice another metal pot.)
Theresa says
Thank you so much, Auntie Leila. It takes so much courage to say something so common sense, I’m glad you said it. We need to hear this so much!
Therese says
Thank you Leila for this meditation. So timely and helpful. My insecurities about choosing to stay at home when I could have a successful career are 100% due to what society places value on. Luckily my hubby supports me so! It’s hard to see the long term effects of the mother in the home, when at this moment, it’s just an emotional lot of 4 kids, 6 and under.
Also, in response to some of your critics, I see that in my friends who work outside the home, they generally find it easier to then go out on the weekend nights without their children or get flustered with behaviours that are age appropriate. These are just a few examples, BUT you can see how long term this is just putting off actually having to figure out how to deal with certain behaviours or how being gone all week long and then also on a Friday or Saturday evening can setup some trouble as the children age.
And if society, as a whole, supported mothers and wives in the home and we supported each other better, more women would be able to find joy in it. So when I hear, “oh I can’t be at home all day” I wonder why? Where have we gone wrong that a woman can’t find joy in being in their own home? With their own children? My whole goal is to create a home that can be enjoyed by my family! If I can’t find joy in being there, then I’d be concerned that my children and husband would feel the same!
Laura says
Therese, You have a worthy goal and it is one that gave me pause. If I can’t find joy in my home, how can I possibly expect my husband and children to find joy there? The man is the head and the woman is the heart of the home as the saying goes. Also, there is a difference between joy and happiness. We might not always be happy, but we should be joyful as it’s a sign of virtue in us and provides stability for the family.
Laura says
I wish people would encourage men to take their calling to provide as seriously as they encourage women to take their vocation at home. If men want their wives to make a comfortable life at home they need to provide a *comfortable* income to facilitate that. Yet so many leave this out. Most women aren’t abandoning their ‘natural vocation’ for work, they are being torn from it, ironically by men who are not living up to their ‘vocation’ to amply provide. Wages for men are stagnating, men aren’t graduating from college at the same rate as women, nor are they pursuing advanced degrees, they also have higher unemployment. Women aren’t in the workforce in droves in a bubble, they are responding to a need in their households.
Kate says
It all started with Reagan’s wacky trickle down economics. It’s only going to get worse under Trump. Catholics need to wake up and stop voting for either the Democrats or the Republicans. They need to take back their heritage and start taking the social teachings of the Church seriously. There, I changed the subject to something less explosive. Not.
Kathleen L. says
Thank you dear Leila, for all you are writing,saying and doing. I have been reading you for many years and cherish all your encouraging words and advice and recommendations as I travel this road of Child of God, Wife/Mother, and now Grandmother. With all humility and charity I value and cherish your words and wisdom! Prayers for you and your family, always! God Bless you, and Mary keep you!
Sibyl Niemann says
All wives and mothers work.So let’s all assume the best of one another here.
I want to reinforce what Auntie Leila is actually saying. She’s not saying that women ought not earn money while they have minor children, or that having a job makes you a bad mother. She’s talking about how HARD it is to keep the family AS a family. The women’s movement back in the 70s was adamant that women entering the workplace as equals was going to be a great social boon. I’m sorry — which boon would that be? Is the family stronger overall since then? Are women happier, overall, since then? Are there fewer divorces and are more kids psychologically healthy? Are Catholic children secure in the worldview of their Church?
The family exists to apprentice the child in the art of being human, with all that that entails. In an era that is so profoundly opposed to the Catholic vision of what being human means, it just requires a lot more time and intentionality. For those women who have chosen (not been forced) to work and who also have child-care providers who will raise their kids to have their values and beliefs, that’s awesome. Good for you. And if you can continue that apprenticeship at home on evenings and weekends, good for you. Most of us, though, cannot do both. We don’t have the energy, the ability to switch gears, to keep all the balls in the air, keep focused on the God-given vocation while still succeeding at the worldly vocation enough to keep the money coming in.
And it seems to me that this is why this blog is so justly loved. this blog supports the mothers who find that their vocation demands that they be mostly at home in a physical sense, and always at home in the emotional and mental sense! Other ways can work, but we want this way, and we choose it because we DO think it is best, and best in a general way, until our culture heals and the family is more protected than now.
Katharine says
THIS. I had a talk with my boss today about resigning, and felt so at a loss by HIS being at a loss to understand why I would resign. I just wanted to say, “I have three kids, I’m pregnant, and I can’t keep up. What more do you need from me?”
He advised me to think carefully about how I explain my quitting to other people “because most people leave for specific health or financial reasons, and you want people to be able to understand…”
Again, I was at a loss… How do I tell people, the commute is killing me and my kids. Daycare is not good for my baby. Laundry is not getting done, the house is always chaotic, we’re not able to cook and eat healthy (imperative for family members with digestive troubles). I mean literally the stress level is so high, we’re miserable much of the week, and then the tiny short weekend is nothing but playing catch-up.
But I honestly felt like I couldn’t say those things, as true as they are. Why? Because… Well, other moms do it. It’s the expectation. It’s normal. Daycare is normal. Being super busy and stressed is normal. Balancing home and work is healthy. Why quit? That makes no sense. You better have a really valid reason, like you’re so sick you can’t come in, or you’re taking on a DIFFERENT job that’s more lucrative.
What a world!
Victoria says
FWIW, I understand and I support you…
Katharine says
Thank you, Victoria! And thanks for your awesome comment above. I was so encouraged by it!
Jennifer says
Katharine- I was in exactly this same boat about 9 years ago. I had a fairly lucrative, professional part time job. Flexible hours. I enjoyed it, we needed the money and I knew there would be no coming back to ‘that good’ of situation once I quit. My boss was an ultra-Type A high achieving academic, female and she COULD NOT fathom that I was quitting ‘just because’ my family needed me. It was incredibly stressful to stay on and work the 4 weeks after I gave notice. Making these changes was a huge adjustment that, yes, produced a lot of short term anxiety. I had to go through a period of detoxing from what is typical and expected in society. Stay true to your family. It will work out for the best. Continue to seek out support for yourself in ways that you can (like this blog!), and in ‘real life’ too. Take good care and best wishes!
Jess says
I am a working, homeschooling mom of many and I ABSOLUTELY agree with you, Auntie Leila. Mothers are irreplaceable. So are fathers, but for different reasons. I know that when I am absolutely attentive to my children, they thrive. And when I get overly distracted from a work deadline, they are out of sorts. If I could give up my job, I would, but this just has not been in God’s plan for us. But I do think He supplies for our deficiencies when we earnestly seek to fulfill His will.
Leila says
Thank you, Jess. I agree with you completely.
Katharine says
Good job for saying this, Leila. It’s amazing how much heat is generated by a simple observation that tending the home and family is being discouraged in our society, with dreadful results. I appreciate your thoughts and agree entirely.
Leila says
Thank you, Katharine!
Margaret says
Auntie Leila,
I just want to thank you for being here. You don’t know me but I think of you as a family member, and appreciate all your wisdom and guidance. I am a 26 year old mother of three, and have scoured your posts over the years on all topics from laundry and putting meals on the table to discipline and education. Please continue your good work!
Margaret
Sarah says
As a SAHM who never thought I would question this calling, thank you for this post. You articulated something that was eating away at my peace. I think the assumption today is that staying home is a sign of luxury. It is true, many must work because our generation is crunched financially in ways previous generations were not. And in that respect, the ability to stay home can be quite a blessing. But it’s not as simple as that. Precisely because our generation is crunched financially, many who stay home do so at a great price. We feel that risk and sacrifice of staying home acutely. Not only do we sometimes wonder if we should be out there developing careers because that’s what modern, empowered women do, but we also wake up at 3am questioning if we are carrying out weight, if the lack of savings or cash flow will make our families vulnerable to tragedy or hardship. It is HARD to be one income in a two-income world, usually there isn’t much difference between the wife at work and the wife at home as both teeter on the edge of trying to make it all work. The SAHM who stays home must see the greater good in her calling to push through. If it doesn’t matter, if it’s all the same to the kids and husband, then we are just fools draining the bank account. Reading this made me a little teary because just today, I questioned my sanity for being home with my children, wondered if it would matter, if I was holding them back or our family back. Thank you for speaking up and affirming this vocation.
Clare says
AMEN. This sums up everything I’ve been thinking regarding this topic.
Charla says
I have read and re-read and re-read this blog post and, for the life of me, I cannot figure out why so many people have their feathers ruffled.This post is just a confirmation of everything you’ve ever written here–that a mother’s primary concern should be her family. Not that she may NOT do other things, but that her true vocation is that of mother and caregiver.
Thank you, Leila, for being a voice of encouragement and affirmation for so many of us!
Jeanne says
I agree Charla.
Keep on telling it Leila!
Anamaria says
For real, Charla! I have honestly been distracted following this thread because it has been so shocking- in how rude many of the comments are, in how they mis-characterize what was actually said (really very mild in comparison to any other discussion on this topic), in how the original post was just in line with everything else ever written here…
The first time I really heard this said was by a woman getting her PhD in economics at Harvard. I saw her every year during college and for the first few years after, and she was never 100% sure she’d actually finish because it was very much secondary to her family (she did finish, not that that’s relevant). Though my own mother lived this example, it was fairly shocking to hear said at a prestigious university.
Andrea S says
Thank you so much for this blog post Leila! I am a new follower and I will be reading through the archives for sure!!
As a homemaker with 4 little ones, I need the encouragement to keep on the path that I know is right, even with all the noise from the rest of the world (and some family!) Have a blessed day!
Missy says
I’m fairly certain you won’t approve this comment since you’ve stopped approving all of my responses and I suspect many from others who disagree with your opinions as they’ve been interpreted. However, I must say that your update unfortunately appears disingenuous when you continue to allow your readers to post comments directly insulting working mothers: they say that we think caring for our own children is “beneath us,” that having a working mother can cause a child to have a nervous breakdown (St. Therese? Are you actually serious about this?), and that our husbands are failing to provide, among other things. These comments are false, foolish, and cruel. If you intend only to uplift mothers in the home, with no judgment toward working mothers, you have a strange way of showing it.
Andrea S says
Hi Missy, I think we all understand what your issues are with this article. Just my own personal opinion, I do to think you need to respond to every single comment on here and voice your complaint. In the internet world, you are free to say what you want without any real consequence. Would you continue going after the writer again and again, demanding she answer you, etc if you were in a room with her?
Jana says
Missy, *Some* mothers choose a career primarily because it fulfills them personally, or because they believe the narrative of “don’t waste your degree,you must use your talents out there,” or “staying at home will make you sad/crazy” right? And *some* husbands expect their wives to work whether there is a need or not, right? And *some* women consider housework/child-care to be beneath them, and go to great lengths to hire these things out, whether they need to or no?
If you are working for the best good of your family right now, and if you think of household duties and child-rearing as noble pursuits to be done with great love and care, and if your husband is doing his level best to provide, but can’t on his own, then the above judgments do not apply to you.
What is true is that *most* women are never told that they are uniquely suited to the care of their own children, and it is good for the family and fulfilling for you to stay home and make a home if you can do so, and that housework is noble.
(The analogy here is the birth control thing. *Most* women are expected to contracept. They are never told that it’s really good to be as open to life as possible, and that if there is some pressing need, you use NFP. Just so, most women are told that it is in using your degree and advancing your career that you will find fulfillment (contraception). Some women NEED to work to take care of family (need to use NFP for now, but fundamentally open to life!) and yet it would be wonderful if women were seriously encouraged and honored in their ‘work’ as wives and mothers. (open to life.))
I’m not saying you are doing this, but I noticed that it’s hard to admit that children have a very specific nature with specific needs whether their parents are able to meet them or not. It’s just a fact, not a moral judgement. We all do our best to give ourselves to meet their needs, and hope and pray that God will supply for our defects and difficulties, just as he did with the Martin family throughout all their struggles with drunk wet-nurses, horribly abusive babysitter, sickness, childhood death, mental illness, intense stress from work-life issues, and nervous breakdowns (yes, Therese had a nervous breakdown and Leonie and several others in the family struggled with mental illness). Zelie wished with all her heart she could just be a Mother and ditch the whole business of lacemaking, but she did what she thought she had to at the time, and God supplied. Sanctity can be achieved anywhere, everybody has different crosses to bear, but when we set out to do anything we do well to ask what the nature of that thing is and do our best to fulfill it. It’s not a moral judgement, just a natural fact. I wonder why some feel insulted by this, and others feel affirmed?
mary + will says
I know I’m late in the conversation, but I wonder what you would say to those of us WAHMs who are actually unskilled at homemaking? I love my children and husband with all my heart, but I suck at the practical application. I’m not a decorator, I’m an awful cook (ask them!), and homeschooling seemed to devolve into endless conflict. For years, I went to bed every night wondering if I was doing more harm than good! (With the exception of breastfeeding my babies on demand…which I never regretted) The change of energy, as well as finances, that happened when I took a part time job and our children went to public school was actually a great blessing to our family. I know there were multiple factors to our situation, but I would love to hear your thoughts about women in my situation.
Sarah says
As a SAHM, I don’t really see myself as primarily a gifted home decorator or cook, but something deeper. I think each of us brings different gifts and temperaments to our vocations. And finding our strengths and maximizing those while working on weaknesses is how we serve our families!
Anamaria says
That’s actually why I read this blog. I am fairly convicted about my primary focus being my family in a very concrete, everyday way, but there’s a lot I’m not good at, like having a good system for keeping the house clean. I am a good cook, but I’m only just beginning to be so in a way that is actually practical to feed my family and doesn’t involve a. hours in the kitchen or b. a zillion dirty dishes.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have put your kids in school or taken a part-time job. I don’t know enough of your situation at all to offer any sort of perspective on that- and really the thrust of what she is saying is “Is your priority with your family?” (and not in a vague way, but in the concrete, everyday ways). I’ll am saying is that much of homemaking is skills that can be learned, but are not really valued in our culture so there aren’t a lot of places to learn them. Maybe some of those skills we will never be as good at as we’d like to be, maybe some present situation means they are more difficult for us to learn (and in the interim maybe we even need to pay help), but they are things we can get better at.
I also think the above commentators point is the main one!
Katharine says
For what it’s worth, I’m a relatively awful homemaker! Lol. I think it’s partly because my mom is a really, really good one. So good (and maybe slightly OCD) that she really preferred to do things herself. So good that she couldn’t really imagine how little I understood of what she did to make a home! I’ll never forget when she finally showed me how to clean a bathroom. I was 14; she told me I could sort of take over a half-bath downstairs and make it my own little powder room, and was appalled at the results! Her attitude was utter disbelief. “You don’t know HOW to do this? You– you just– you wipe down the sink, like this…”
Another reason, besides cluelessness, was a sort of ingrained laziness. As a child and teen, I found that I could be comfy in relative squalor. When I was in charge of my own home, and my room wasn’t the only squalid part, but also the kitchen and living room and all– I became much less comfortable, but not much less lazy.
I’m finally starting to be less lazy, somehow– maybe because I keep praying to God and St. Joseph to help me and my family in all these ways and more? Maybe because work and college kicked my bum a little and helped me learn to stick to things? At any rate, I’m less lazy. But still clueless.
That’s why I read Leila’s blog! It is helping me learn how to be less clueless, how to do things. I’m still in step 1, kind of– laundry and meals. I’m really trying to make sure that I have clean laundry for the family every day, and a dinner planned by midmorning or so. I keep failing but I’m getting better. After this, I’m going to step 2: fix my bedroom!
Blah, blah, blah. I just want to encourage you that although I’m super gung-ho about homemaking, I, too, am– shall we say– challenged. In that area. 😀
jadeddrifter says
I think most of us read this blog because we aren’t very good home-makers!!! I would like to think I’m getting better, but I have a baby every time I think I’m getting the hang of it. 😉 Speaking for myself, mostly my attitude has changed over the years. I just try to pray every day in the morning to fill my cup before the kids are up, and then spend the rest of the day filling the kids’ hearts whether or not the dishes and laundry are caught up.
Theresa says
Just to add my word of thanks for this particular post, which is beautifully at home with your cohesive vision of life you present on this blog. I know it’s not all about me…but maybe you wrote this post for me??
I am not sure how you knew I was in the middle of Sunless January Toilet Training Blues, thinking hourly of my past (brief) brilliant high pressure, high stakes, high glory and heels career I had when single. Not sure how you knew that I was just thinking that I could try to relieve some financial burden stressing out my husband so much if only I could find an affordable child care solution. Not sure how you guessed that I had started to think maybe I wasn’t cut out for such un-glorious tasks as training a passionate 3 yr old to [insert: refuse to] use the toilet, or how I was worrying that maybe it was pathetic how much JOY I am getting out of learning to sew Christmas stockings for my family, or perfecting chicken stock or practicing fancy cakes for my sister’s wedding – all things I have time and mental energy for because of the sacrifices we have made to have me stay home with our three littles. (Seriously though: I’ll subject you all to pictures of the wedding cake. It’s lookin that GOOD)
Thank you for reminding me of the conviction I have but forgot about in the moment, and being the angel on my shoulder against the whispers on the other one that I had something better to do, and somewhere more important to be.
Every woman, every family, has to make her choices with what she has and be at Peace with that. “Having it all” is a terribly lie that plagues me so often. It is always helpful to have an Auntie to add some items to the pro/con list that no one else is mentioning, so carry on please!
Lisa G. says
The fact that this bothers you So Much is very telling. There’s an unfortunate and dangerous wave in this country to suppress free speech. I wonder why you don’t just stop coming here, Missy? The fact that you are so angry and trying so hard to force Leila to change her tune is very interesting, indeed. Even if she is totally wrong, it would be a crime for her to give in to you – on her own website – just because of your bullying. For my part, I support free speech.
Missy says
You support free speech, yet want me to stop responding. Makes sense.
For the record, I came back because I heard there was an update and it seemed only fair to see what sort of further clarification Leila might have to offer. She is of course free to say whatever she wants. If what she says causes insult, people might call her on it, which is also free speech, which you ostensibly support. I don’t want Leila to stop talking, I want her to see how her words are hurtful and misleading, and consider other perspectives so that her blog can be a more welcoming place for faithful mothers of all kinds,. However, I accept now that this is not going to happen, so I will indeed stop returning.
Lisa G. says
I don’t want you to stop responding, but it would be nice if you were civil. You are the one who wants Leila to say things your way, so you don’t feel uncomfortable.
Do you not see how deadly it is to the soul to try and smother whatever makes us squirm inside? We cannot know ourselves if we do this. There is a reason why this upsets you so much. Only you and God can sort it out. Leila’s opinion on a webpage isn’t going to affect your life at all. You can see how many here are agreeing with and encouraging her. If you really wanted a respectful, civilized exchange, you could be nicer here or discuss it via email.
Carolyn Hall says
Leila,
I have been so blessed by the wisdom you have posted on this blog over the years, thank you once again for encouraging us in our vocations as stay-at-home mothers. You are truly a gift to us. I’m sorry you have received so much negativity in these comments. Perhaps these women should spend their time elsewhere if they are going to have issue with the topics discussed here. You have always provided such wonderful insight into how to make a home and love a family. Thank you.
Claire says
Thanks for your beautiful witness, Leila!
Shannon says
Thank you, thank you for this post, Leila! Please keep sharing your incredible words of wisdom! Praying for you in this silly firestorm 🙂
Kate says
Leila, first of all thanks for this blog. It’s meant the world to me ever since I discovered it! I’m sorry things have become so heated in the comments section. These are tough issues and I suppose we all need reassurance that we are on the right path.
I’m a work-from-home mom who sometimes has to go into the office. I would quit my job im a heartbeat if we could afford it! But I do recognize that, working from home, I am much luckier than many people. Also, wow, every time I go to the office I am amazed at the lack of efficiency there! We mothers manage our time so much better and it feels sometimes as though some level of inefficiency is built into the office setting on purpose.
Anyhow. Thanks for everything you do.
Evie says
I have a full-time job outside the home and I’m a full time mom. I see nothing offensive in your post. I’ve always felt that I stand on the shoulders of my mother who gave up her career to stay home with me and my siblings. Her homemaking taught me the skills I need in order to be able to do both things. Her generosity in sharing her reality with me allowed me to think critically about what kind of job would enable me to care for my home and kids without adding stress to our lives. When I realized that I would rather work outside the home, I went back to school so that I could take a job with much higher earning potential. Being already conditioned to the idea that I would not be sleeping a ton during baby years (thanks to my mother’s generosity in allowing me to be active in the care of younger siblings), I realized that going back to school would make the most sense for me when my kids were tiny. I earned a scholarship, but still took out loans so that I could have a nanny during my school years. I pushed myself so that I could finish school early. My kids were at my graduation, but they don’t remember it. Their little lives continued in an unbroken line of care between me and their nanny because babies can be easier to regulate than school-age children. After school, I passed up some more prestigious opportunities to work a job with more flexibility so that I could still be around quite a bit until they entered school full-time. None of this stuff was easy, but I have the personality for it and had very realistic expectations from my mother. As a working-outside-the-home mom, I hire help with summer care, after school care, housekeeping, grocery delivery, etc. My husband and I do not internally struggle to accept these costs – they are the costs of both of us having a job outside the home. That’s why my earning potential had to be high. My SAHM friends work just as hard as I do, only they don’t get any credit for it. I’m always fawned over for my ability to keep so many balls in the air, but I’m not doing it alone. I wouldn’t do it alone. I wouldn’t even consider it because I saw the value of my mother’s homemaking and I know that that job cannot be done at the same time that I am doing a different job. The “costs” of my job can be seen in that similarly situated couples we know go on vacation, have bigger houses, drive newer cars, and have nicer toys. Those things could only come if I were to neglect the care of my home. I’ve been mocked for having nannies and housekeepers or hiring out laundry and grocery shopping. However, to me it would be selfish to insist on “doing it all” when I choose to work outside the home. I would not have time to spend with my kids, my husband, or our parish. This lack of time and attention is the outcome I see most women with jobs outside the home choose (consciously or not) and it is a detriment to our society. I was blessed with the talent to get a job with good earning potential. Had I not been able to offset the costs of homemaking, I would have stayed home. I hate staying home, so I had the drive to make something else work, but the costs of homemaking (be it me staying home or hiring help) are static. As Christians, we simply cannot act as if we will be able to raise nice humans, sustain our future church, or preserve any sacredness in our culture if we think of homemaking as something that can be done “on the side” or in the throw-away time after the really important paycheck-earning job has been done. I think that is what you were getting at. Our society is suffering for lack of homemaking because women are told that the home not a real job with real work and that it can be neglected in the pursuit of having it all. I have my mother’s generous homemaking to thank for allowing me the creativity, realism, and value for homemaking that I needed to help me “have it all” without attempting the impossible of “doing it all” by myself.
Therese says
Evie this was a wonderfully, honest response. And I applaud your momma for her hard work and you for acknowledging it and Also you for realizing what it takes. I hope my daughters (and sons) are able to recognize the same. I am in mindset of being at home is best for our family, that being said, I do see your side of it and I do know other families that make it work like you. Unfortunately, I think yours is the exception not the reality of most dual working parents. So glad you shared your thoughts!
Mary says
Dear Leila,
Thank you for standing your ground and not compromising even after so many women have become so hostile! I want you to know that many women will not respond, but stand in firm agreement. God love you!!
AMDG,
Mary
Caitlin says
Yes, amen!
Nancy says
Thank you for your writing on this topic Leila. There definitely is a natural order which your writing points to again and again.
I grew up attending day care (before franchised, church, state licensed daycare,in the early 1960’s) in another woman’s home. To be exact, I was in three homes before kindergarten, from 7:30 am to 5:00 p.m. almost 365 days a week. As a child, I hated it. Just saying as a child that endured daycare…which definitely made a difference in how I raised my children.
The Women’s Movement in 60-70’s talked a lot about inequality, developing talents outside of the home and competing with men in the workplace, We were assigned to read “Dress for Success” in college where women started wearing a kind of menswear tie that looped into a bow. Remember that book?
Some of my friends were those that broke through the barriers as the only woman in an accounting class or engineering class. But they all waited until their children were grown (despite the cultural pressure) to work full time outside the home. There is a season or phase when this type of work can be done, if desired.
I personally went back into teaching ( now retired) in public and parochial. We’ve taught classes in self-esteem (to meet the demand of divorced parents), extended daycare and aftercare to accommodate working parents, combined rooms for larger infirmaries with more cots (since more children come to school with fevers/illness & it takes commute time in consideration from the time of parent phone call, commute time to pick up).
On a side note-three Catholic churches in our city are building onto existing structures of their preschool/ elementary schools for the care of babies and toddler daycare.
Katharine says
Oh, my. This made me very sad. I am distressed at how many children are handed off where they might not want to go. And I reckon lots of them are too little, too obedient, or too naive to say so.
Josie says
Wow, I think that was the longest comment thread I have ever read all the way through! Your words nourished this mama, Leila! Thank you, as always!
Julia says
I just wanted to say- thank you! Voices and opinions like your’s/our’s are being drowned and lost more and more with every passing year. We are in the minority. Be as that may, your words are valued and true.
Theresa says
I am late in reading Leila’s post, but wanted to chime in as I was very surprised to see the range of responses. I would like to contribute a few (very) small things, not meant as a correction, but to inform. We are all in need of healing, some of us with more painful memories and experiences than others – let’s remember to seek Our Lord for healing and pray for each other- He is the greatest healer….Yes, I agree that Zelie Martin was a “working” mom. However, it must have been necessary, financially, and working at her business caused her great distress. Yes, dutiful spouse. I highly recommend her letters of correspondence (http://www.archives-carmel-lisieux.fr/english/carmel/index.php/mme-martin?start=100). Her daughters were also taught lacemaking, however, I do not see a worthy defense of Mme Martin as a working mom, as I also do not view Ma Ingalls as “working mom” either- more of a dutiful, skilled spouse. I was employed in a very lucrative job, but, after pulling long hours and running the rat race, with no time to keep my house organized or spend time with my children, my husband agreed I could stay home and homeschool our children. I will only share it is the hardest piece financially, but it brings all of us the greatest peace – it is the best decision we have ever made. I will only thank Leila for her beautiful words, spoken to us after great prayer and reflection, and remind myself that I am not a finished product yet! I have much to learn and I know that Our Lord brings experiences (and people) to help us grow closer to Him. God Bless You, Leila!
Mary W. says
I work in ministry which I’m sure you understand has some hard hours (even on a part time basis—I work 20 or so hours/week). I’m grateful that I now have the opportunity to step down (in a few months)! Thanks for the encouragement. I’ve had lots of people give their opinions/support in both directions, but I do think this is what’s best for our family and I’m so grateful that we are in a financial position to make this happen. I do have friends who wish they could work part time (or not at all) and I so I do think I am blessed to be able to do so! Looking forward to these changes for our family!
Dixie says
I appreciate this, Leila. The parents must sacrifice for the children, not the other way around. Nothing else will do.
A hard, hard teaching, but let’s not kid ourselves. I know this looks different for different families — different sacrifices — but the children and the home need to be nurtured and protected, and decision-making needs to proceed from this perspective.
Jamie says
I couldn’t even get through all of these comments (too busy devoting myself to home and children?), but just wanted to add my voice to those of support. I come from a broken home. With a mother that had planned to stay home with her children but was forced to work full time so that we had a house to live in and food to eat. It was extraordinarily difficult. This is why I have made the choices I have…..finding a like minded husband (who works from home btw), who supports a wife/mom in the home, to homeschool, and all that comes with that. Money is very often tight. We bring new meaning to living paycheck to paycheck. So, of course I often question whether I wouldn’t be better out working fulltime. So, your encouragement is much appreciated. God Bless.
Mrs.Rev says
There are better ways to affirm SAHMs rather than piling on working moms. Here are a few ideas that I have personally used: “Mom’s you are valued and needed whether you work inside or outside the home!” “Moms you are doing your best based on what you see as needed in your family!” “Moms your children love you and will grow up to be good citizens whenether you work inside or outside the home!” I grew up with a full time working mom and I work myself (while moming gasp!) and I’m very happy and spiritually fulfilled knowing that it is scientifically proven that girls and boys with working moms have MANY benefits as adults. I’m thankful that I see those benefits in my own life and the lives of my spouse and our siblings.
KL says
I’m not sure if this will be approved, but I do want to express that it’s quite problematic and uncharitable to imply that women who work outside the home are unwilling to sacrifice for the sake of their families. Balancing work and home life is difficult, and I honestly don’t know any women who do it for the sake of “honors” or “achievement”. They do it because they’ve prudentially discerned that it is best for their families that they do so. That might be for reasons financial (societal and economic realities mean that a one-income household is literally impossible in many areas), psychological or emotional (many women are not mentally healthy when they do not have an outlet outside the home), vocational (women who feel that their career meets a vital need for the greater good of society and that they are uniquely positioned to meet that need), and so on. Choosing to be open to life and having a family is inherently a choice that involves sacrifice. I don’t think we need to rank sacrifices or decide which are normative (or denigrate one category of them) in order to support all women of faith who are doing their best to care lovingly and prudently for their children, husbands, and — yes! — even themselves.
Proud Working Mother says
Due to the types of beliefs and attitudes that I see in this blog post and the comments, I felt extremely depressed when I was a FTM, just back to work. I can now say, without reservation, that my family is not suffering because I am a working mom. My husband and I have found loving care for our children while we are at work, and we provide them with loving care while we are not at work.
I don’t need to be with my spouse a certain amount of time to make our relationship work, and the same is true for my children. Even the mothers from the 1950s and 1960s that we place on a pedestal spent less time with their children than we spend with our children today.
Samantha says
While your clarification is eloquently put, your way of putting it originally still rings of judgement for those of us who need to work to provide for our families, or those families where the father stays home and cares for the children, or those mothers who choose to work because they aren’t built mentally or emotionally for staying home.
You say you are building up mothers who choose to stay home cause you just can’t get affirmation elsewhere in this world, but, as a working mother, I see praise for moms who stay home frequently. I see judgement (even unintentional) at what bad mothers working moms are all the time. I also see judgement of stay at home moms. It goes all ways and perhaps you would have found better reactions had you not used words like neglect or phrases like “Who will love children from day to day with a love of service, if not their mother?” and “Who will make the home if not the wife?” Do I not love and serve my children by providing for them? Do we not still have a loving home? I am pretty sure we do… and those are the questions every working mom has in their head when we read this post.
Next time, if you’d like not to be so misunderstood, choose your words more carefully.
vicky B says
Thank you for your support for Mothers who stay at home Leila. I have gone back to work recently after 12 years at home raising our four sons and it’s tough!! Being with our boys was such a blessing (and a sacrifice especially financially) but oh the benefits are incredible. God bless Mothers everywhere!! Let’s support our sisters in Christ.
LiMaBi says
Sadly, I am divorced and must work. I have full custody of our children. For years I have hated not being able to stay home to raise my kids (even though I have had wonderful jobs and coworkers!). Not too long ago, when my oldest was 13, a job working from home landed in my lap and it was a literal answered prayer. It’s tough, however a huge blessing to be able to work while keeping a watchful eye on my 3 (nearly) teenaged children. Even though being a stay at home wife and mother wasn’t to be for me, God created a way for me to provide for my family and put my children first.
I want there to be examples of the ideal even though it’s impossible for me. I find your blog enormously encouraging.
Victoria says
Thanks for sharing your story. You are in my prayers!
ElizabethAnne says
In a departure from the previous comments, thank you for sharing the link to Pam Barnhill morning time information. We’ve used a similar format this year, now in our 4th year of home school (how did that happen ?!) and I love starting our day together with a format and ritual. It is also very nice to watch us tweek things to include the toddler and to adjust to our interests and needs.
ElizabethAnne says
Oh! I meant to add that she has a great free interview podcast about boys, reading, and morning time over at the Read Aloud Revival that I could listen to again and again. She has many pearls if wisdom … not unlike you, Mrs. Lawler. Please know that we’re sending our love to you all from Virginia.
samanthabock says
This is so sad. As a WAHM I like to think I’m very fortunate to have the best of both worlds some days (an income, benefits, but physical closeness to my children) and burdened to have the worst of both worlds other days (disconnection from colocated coworkers, plus having to hear my kids cry and laugh and hug and play with someone else all day while the mother’s helper is here). These comments make me feel like my work and sacrifices and even my joys in this role are just horribly belittled and devalued.
The truth is that we ALL do what we must do for our children. For a while that meant gathering food while wearing a baby and praying a toddler didn’t die of starvation because that year’s weather featured a late frost. Or it meant being knocked out to birth babies and told breastfeeding was unladylike. Or it meant keeping home, children, meal schedules, self, and husband absolutely spotless while being told anxiety was a woman’s problem. Now it’s often working outside the home to help pay bills and settle debts and take vacations and send kids to good schools. Or staying at home, despite a specialized degree, because daycare is too expensive to justify and needing to desperately carve out solo time in a culture that expects attachment parenting. Or staying at home and loving it and getting sad looks from old friends who think your life is boring and antifeminist when you actually find it so empowering. Or working at home because the internet makes it blessedly simpler to make an income without working somewhere else, but it also makes you feel like you’re constantly working two jobs (momming and the other thing) because there’s simply no physical way to compartmentalize and everyone thinks “well you’re always home so can you please…?” even though you’ve barely had an hour of downtime all week.
Life is hard and always will be, no matter how our vocations take shape. Why can’t we just lean on each other (and let others lean on us) instead of shoving each other over just to prove how okay we appear to be in comparison?
Shari says
Dear Leila, please keep on doing what you are doing. Your blog has been so incredibly helpful in my life and is often referred to during chats with my husband, friends and my mothers group. God bless you and your family.
Marie says
Well, I am sorry that turned into a mess but I am thrilled I found your blog. I am a little floored by the responses because I really didn’t think anything was offensive. I will say a few prayers for everyone.
But I spent some time poking around your blog while nursing the baby. Wow! What a treasure trove of ideas and inspiration. I have already made some changes to how I do things. The funny thing is my only resolution this year was too get better about making dinner. Laundry is pretty good (but I am stealing the “special clothes” hamper idea) but we are still a small family. (Feel free to change that, Lord!)
Just wanted to say “thank you” this type of information is really hard to find and your manner is so kind and inspiring.
(To further annoy the offended. I was successful getting dinner on the table all last week and my husband has been amazingly sweet and loving. He was a dream before, but coming home to a (regular) hot meal sure has made him a lot more relaxed and cheerful. Huh, who would have thought!)
Stephanie in Germany says
It wasn’t until I read a comment in an Instagram feed that I even realized that something was brewing here, even though I had read Leila’s post beforehand, never dreaming it would incite such emotion. I have made several observations for myself.
1. There are some amazingly articulate and rational women commenting here. I wish I could express myself so clearly and charitably. We will be needing this in the future, that our girls are trained in good, Catholic thinking and philosophy…
2. SOME of the more aggressive commenters remind me of what I see in society in general. “If you say something I disagree with or that might threaten me or my convictions, I will spit on you! literally or figuratively. In the streets they come in hoards or masked, on the internet … also masked. It saddens me to see it here.
3. I was also disappointed to see comments made elsewhere in the Net by Catholic mothers who I have “known” for years, whose influence is wide and strong. Comments quickly made, either snarky or considerate, about this article and its aftermath without even having read the original! This is one of the many weaknesses of Twitter, Instagram and……
Dear Leila, I am forever grateful for your constant watch and generosity with your gifts. Do not lose courage to continue to speak the truth in love.
Robin says
Yes, this.
Amy says
Leila, thank you for this post! Thank you for having the courage to stand by your convictions. You have said what even many pastors won’t say. But the Bible clearly teaches us that women are to be keepers at home, to love their husbands, to love their children. I do believe that so many of the problems in our culture today stem from the fact that wives and mothers have relegated their calling to somebody else. Let the world howl. But stand for truth!
Kim F. says
Wow, I read your post on Saturday morning when it was published, thought it was wonderfu,l and went about my business. I just checked back in to see if there was anything new, saw all the comments, and thought I must have missed a giveaway! Then I read the comments. I have to say that I was raised in a household where you went to college, got a job, and then there was no discussion of what happened next. When I met my husband we agreed that I would stay at home when we had children. We now have 6 children (and homeschool them all) and I have been at home for 15 years. I had an internal struggle for many of those years. Not really enjoying being home but not wanting to go back into the work place. I have a college degree, shouldn’t I be using it? I was unable to embrace my vocation as a wife and mother. Heck, I had never been taught there was such a thing as a vocation! I was resentful of my husband for getting to go out into the world, have adult conversation during the day, use the bathroom without someone following him, etc. It was hard! Then I started reading Leila’s blog and surrounding myself with other Catholic, homeschooling moms, and now I wouldn’t trade my vocation for all the money in the world! Yes, it’s hard. And for the most part people who are out in the workforce don’t understand why I choose this. But I don’t answer to them. I just want to thank you, Leila for your beautiful writing. In a world that is openly hostile to moms staying at home, your voice is refreshing. Please don’t be scared away by the negative voices, the rest of us need you!!!
Kelsey says
Lol, I was trying to figure out what the giveaway was too!
Robin says
I can SO relate. I’ve been homeschooling for 6 years now and am considering public school. Our oldest is 12, and it seems like lately his brothers “get on his nerves” more. And he walks around some days with this look in his eyes like he wants (or needs) something more than I can give him at home. There’s a lot to this story, but this blog has helped me so much in the past. I’m not ready to quit homeschooling, but this baby #5 (now 2 months) is making things extremely hard for us all to press on in all areas of the house and school. Having a 2 year old makes things even more impossible. Sigh.
Catie H says
Robin, do you have a local coop or hybrid model school you can plug him into? My oldest is also 12, and I have found that a once-a-week meeting of classes is just enough for her to look forward to socially while also retaining a lot of the benefits of homeschooling. She is followed by 4 brothers, so I know for a boy the social thing might not be a school
“thing” but a sports thing, or something like that. Basically, something they can be excited about to lighten the “drudgery” load each week. (Because doesn’t all work have some drudgery to it?) Another idea is facilitating a Friday “recess” time. Auntie Leila gave me that idea once. Invite a family over to play, or maybe switch houses. If you can find a homeschool teen to sit with sleeping babies, you could even do it out do it out of the house during nap time. I’ve tried to start doing that because even though I hate to see that money go out the door, sometimes its worth it to fill my older kids’ tanks instead of always having to say “I wish we could do that, but that’s naptime…”
Prayers for you! As moms we’re good at doubting ourselves.
God bless,
Catie
Melisa says
Hi Auntie Leila,
Just wanted to say “Thank You!” for what you do, and that I always look forward to your Saturday posts. So much great stuff here. I’m a Catholic (convert) mom of 8. I’ve been a mom at home since 2 weeks before our first child was born – 18 years ago. (It hasn’t been easy, but it has been worthwhile.) We homeschool our children, and it’s been an interesting journey, and I’m grateful to stay at home with our children. We live very frugally (case in point: our family van that we drove for many years was purchased for $1 from some friends at church who were just going to junk it)
You provide important encouragement and practical advice for the Catholic homeschooling mom. I come from a family broken by divorce, and a family that was not Catholic, did not practice NFP, and did not homeschool. Not that those things make my family ‘bad’ or anything, it’s just that I’ve found I do things differently from my family of origin, so it’s good that there are sites like yours to give women like myself that have made these counter-cultural choices support and encouragement. I’m like a pioneer-of-sorts, so I don’t have a template to follow for this lifestyle we’ve chosen.
I’ll close here with some words of encouragement from G. K. Chesterton:
“… I cannot, with the utmost energy of imagination, conceive what they mean. When domesticity, for instance, is called drudgery… the difficulty arises from a double meaning in the word. If drudgery only means dreadfully hard work, I admit the woman drudges in the home – as a man might drudge at the Cathedral of Amiens or drudge behind a gun at Trafalgar. But if it means that the hard work is more heavy because it is trifling, colorless and of small import to the soul, then, as I say, I give it up; I do not know what the words mean. To be Queen Elizabeth within a definite area, deciding sales, banquets, labors and holidays; to be Whiteley within a certain area, providing toys, books, cakes and boots; to be Aristotle within a certain area, teaching morals, manners, theology, and hygiene, I can understand how this might exhaust the mind, but I cannot imagine how it could narrow it. How can it be a large career to tell other people’s children about the Rule of Three, and a small career to tell one’s own children about the universe? How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone, and narrow to be everything to someone? No, a woman’s function is laborious; but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute. I will pity Mrs. Jones for the hugeness of her task; I will never pity her for its smallness.” This quote is from G. K. Chesterton in What’s Wrong with the World.
Oh, and those quilts you’ve hung in various places to combat drafts are lovely, and it’s a clever idea.
God bless,
Melisa
Victoria says
I was looking for this quote the other day! Thanks for posting!
Christina A says
Chesterton is so wonderful! Brave New Family, a book of selected essays of his, comes to mind often when I read this blog. My SIL shared
the above quote and some others on her delightful little blog: http://cinnamonrollsandbacon.blogspot.com/2010/02/chesterton-on-domesticity.html
Alexandra says
Not that a post with several hundred comments warrants another comment, but I felt I had to add another note of thanks. I so appreciate your mothering posts particularly. Staying at home is a choice I make everyday though nearly everyday I wish I could drop my kids at daycare and go to a job where I talk to adults. It is a sacrifice of my independence, time, and our family’s budget. But my joy comes from knowing that My Father in Heaven sees what is done in secret though the world may never praise my efforts. It is a blessing to be encouraged by other godly women about the value of this sacrifice.
Melissa Graham says
Dear Leila, I just wanted to say thank you and root you on. It’s rather shocking to see how far down the rabbit hole people go with a post like this. I’m really sorry to see that happen! I found your post encouraging and uplifting as it has sparked a greater desire in me to love, connect with and take care of my family. It’s a well known and proven regret come the end of life – not spending more time with children and loved ones. Thanks for the consistent voice for devoted family life. Love, Melissa
Jennifer says
I really needed this. Thank you.
Leila says
You are a class act. Thank you. I hope many, many new readers have been introduced to your blog after the (completely unnecessary and unjust) “dust up”. You have so much wisdom, always offered in gentleness and love, which we can all learn from. Never sway from your mission. We need your voice, no matter how many choose to misunderstand and misrepresent you.
Meg says
I keep typing and erasing my thoughts. I read all the comments. So many layers and depths and connections firing in my brain. I wish I was a better thinker.
Thinking of principles and not anecdotes, I am thinking on archetypes, and models, and perfect images. Perfect family, perfect sacrifice, perfect love. The family is God’s plan. A home. There has to be a home. We mothers are called to embody and typify the Church, literally “embodying” new souls in that home. This is a PHYSICAL and TIMEBOUND task of monumental proportions and no other task, NO other task, outranks this vocation handed to us by God. It can be done in many and varied ways, but it is a role that was not created to be handed over to another. I believe our culture encourages us that it can. Minimizes that sacrificial love. It is focused on the doing and the performance value. The new next thing. Auntie Leila says it shouldn’t be so. She should not be railed at for speaking this truth. Families need a home and it takes time and emotional energy to make one. And stating that it is HARDER to do if one isn’t home *enough*, is speaking truth.
Occasionally, if not often, we may need to be called back into this awareness. This does not deny the reality that we live in a physical world where time and money run out. So the question is, “What is enough?” How much time at home does one need to make a home? Auntie Leila does not answer that question and neither does the Church. However, not being able to live out an ideal does not unmake the ideal. That is a tough cross to carry, but all fall short of the glory of God. But we ALL do! We all fall short of the ideal. Families are human things, even if patterned after the Almighty.
Thank you Leila, for posting this. For holding up the model, the principle. St Zelie lived a different life, but she still had the ideal. Our culture is giving up the ideal. To turn to new things, addicted to new ways of being. We don’t have to. We have Christ. We were brought into God’s family in ways unimaginable. Perfected sacrificial love.
Luana says
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing about this topic and for your whole blog! It is such a blessing for me and my family! I have learned a ton about homemaking, homeschooling, faith, family… from your blog!!!
Yes, when more and more mothers leave their homes it does change the whole society and the view of the home and family.
I grew up in a communist country and was a fulltime-daycare-kid. Everybody had to work and my family had a very very tight budget even with both working parents. What is amazing to me now is that my parents and their catholic friends and relatives were able to see clearly lot of bad and horrible things happening under the carpet of communism, but nobody seems to have questioned the norm of both parents working outside of home.
Everybody just did it and I have never heard anybody complain about it.
Collective memory gone in a blink of an eye and no one has noticed?!? How???
I wonder how has this happened and why? Their mothers were at home (and very hard working) so I wonder why it was for my parents generation suddenly so normal to drop their 1-year-olds at full-time-daycare and not see how exactly THIS thing was super important part of communists agenda.
They were risking their jobs (and more) going to church in this times and I am amazed at their courage to pass on faith and moral values on their children in such a hostile environment –
but why was everybody of this wonderful people so blind about importance of mother being present in her home? And that remains still.. to this day.
Today in my homeland the role of the grandmother at home is very appreciated and seen as important. They have already worked their whole lives and can now be appreciated full-time-homemakers and grandmas. But mums? Not so.
My generation still has not the ability to imagine what would a mum at home do all day. It seems insane and so unneeded. I myself was sure I would go to work as soon as my first baby would be 6 months old (because who could wait for a whole year till the babies first birthday to come back to the world..) After the birth everything changed for me and for the first time I could understand why would anybody want to be just a stay at home wife and mother (like my husbands mum did).
And I felt like I didn`t have the right to wish to stay at home. But I am so thankful that I did!!!
I could write a novel – but all I want to say is THANK YOU!
Your blog has meant so much to me. Please keep sharing and opening our eyes to the beauty and importance of small and simple and hidden.
And importance of mum in her home even if she is not a very good homemaker 😉 Her presence is still a blessing for her family and she can learn to do it better and better.
I so wish I could have spent my childhood with my parents and in the comfort of our home. I never got enough of my mum and dad, to this day. My parents were very loving and caring and I have many sweet memories of our weekends and holidays and we children all “turned out fine” – but seeing how much my children need us every single day makes me see what was taken away from me. And makes me very sad.
My mum did work out of love for her family and to be able to serve very modest meals for her family. I know it and am very thankful that she did it.
But it doesn`t mean that it wasn`t very hard for us children.
It is important that we know and remember what children, marriages and families need to thrive, even when we cannot always make it happen.
May God bless you and your family!
Victoria says
This was so touching to read; Good bless you. My husband is also from a former communist country, so I am familiar with a lot of what you said, including the valuation of grandmothers.
Luana says
God bless you too! Thank you for your comment! It is interesting that you see similar things going on in your husbands country. What is his perspective about it now? Does his family understand the value of mother being present in her home?
I would so like to understand how this has happened..
Isn`t it crazy, that in this mindset everyone knows that grandma at home is a goldmine for the whole family and for neighbors and friends and no one would dare to think that her unique role could be replaced by another woman paid for this job –
it would be a shame if someone would say, that grandma taking care of her grandchildren is the same as one another older woman getting paid for it and doing it.
But the same thing is not obvious for mothers! No, mums are replaceable. They have talents and education and responsibilities outside of home and society needs them.. and their grandchildren will need them one day.
But their own children? They are just as fine being somewhere else and seeing their mums for dinner and bedtime-story. Quality time on weekends makes up for everything else.
If there are weekends..
In my homeland it is even crazier now, then it was in my childhood. People are working more and crazier hours, there are more and more shops open 24 hours a day, more and more people must work on weekends also and all kinds of working hours are “normal”.
And still – children will be fine.
I cannot wrap my mind around it. And growing up I have believed all the same things also! I was so blind …
I still feel insecure and unsure of my choice to be at home when I am together with friends and relatives (great woman!) who can do it all. Work crazy hours, have beautiful orderly homes (oh my, I will never get to their level of perfection..) and have well behaved, smart and lovely kids ..
Then I wonder again, if I am not waisting my life, why I am so incapable of doing it all (like my friends and cousins), I remember that I had a potential to do something really great with my life …
and I also start to wonder if it is even good for our children to “miss” all this other opportunities .. .. and I know, I could be much more successful in my job then I am as a homemaker.. it is very humbling to see, what a slow-learner I am in practical life. But I am trying and trying and getting better.
It is so easy to start feeling as a looser, to feel as a woman who has no idea how to manage her life well and to put her talents to a good use for society.
But if I remember myself as a child, I know what I would have needed most.
Catie H says
Luana, thank you for your two beautiful and encouraging posts! God bless you!
Luana says
Thank you! God bless you too!
Victoria says
I think my husband’s perspective would be a little different from yours in that he is a man and doesn’t feel the pressures a woman would feel; but he was practically raised by his own grandmother, and many other people we know in Romania have a grandmother providing the child and home-keeping care (which is arguably better than daycare). Working was compulsory for his parents before communism fell in Romania, but even afterward the country was so broken and starving they kept working. Both my parents and his are supportive of my staying home. My mother-in-law keeps a lot to herself, but I have gotten the impression that she sees us as very privileged first-world people who have more than enough material wealth to provide to our children (and she is right about that); a middle-class American family might not perceive our second-hand life-style in such a positive light.
Luana says
Thank you for your answer!
kaybkay says
Thank your for being a light and a guide for living the a Catholic life.
Annie says
I am a wahm, working remotely, after 10 years as a full time mom in the home. There are many things wrong with our society and the family right now. We all need healing, we all need Christ to be the King of our hearts and our homes and our families. I am doing the impossible imperfectly, and may our Lady make up for my many deficiencies. I will admit that reading this post was difficult, but I am secure in the decision my husband and I have made (while expecting our 6th child). What I am particularly grateful to Auntie Leila for is the way she helps you to think and meditate on something a little different. I could have chosen to feel guilty and become angry. Instead, I deliberately chose to look for ways to dedicate myself to the home anew and carry on the path of suffering and penance in this vale of tears that has been laid out for me. Our true home is in Heaven, and by keeping my eyes fixed on that, helps me to do my best here below. God bless each and every one of you, in each of your own particular journeys, to carry the cross and live out your vocation.
Sharla says
Not sure if anyone has summed it up this way or not, as I have read most, but not all the comments. But the difference seems to be women whose vocation is being a wife and mother, as it should be, and maybe they happen to work…vs. women who mistakenly make their vocation their work, and happen to be a wife and mother.
mary + will says
You put your finger it! Where your heart is, there your treasure also is….The real question is: where is our treasure? If we are treasuring our children and husbands, then our lives will bear fruit whether we work or stay at home. If we treasure our personal fulfillment and our career, our family will become secondary and the hurt will spread like ripples through water. The fact is, we mothers are important!
MaryBeth says
I read Auntie Leila’s post when it first appeared and it struck me as one of my favorite posts immediately. I can’t even properly put into words why other than that it affirmed the freedom of choosing to be home. The freedom to be instead of to “do” and “achieve” as Auntie Leila put it.
I was planning on coming back and re-reading and commenting when a day or two later a friend informed me how this post was being attacked (I’m not on social media). I haven’t read all the comments on this post and I started to read a few of the attacks on-line but had to stop because it was too upsetting. I’m sorry Auntie Leila for all that. I can’t even begin to understand how difficult it must be to hear people tearing you apart in such a way.
I was going to try to write something long and eloquent, but others have already done that, and we have had sickness here all week so I’m having trouble writing in complete sentences 😉 All I have to say is thank you Auntie Leila for all that you say. Thank you for encouraging those of us who stay home even though we have ivy league degrees and others tell us that we are “wasting our talents.” I’m 35 and have five children eleven and under, so I’ve now begun to gain just a little perspective and confidence that I didn’t have when I was a very young mom. I see how many young moms struggle with needing affirmation, not just from work, but from over-volunteering, over-scheduling, etc… Many deeply just want to be home and be happy but need help in knowing what that can look like (not to say that everyone should be the same, never work outside the home, etc…) but young moms need to hear that what they are doing in the home, while it oftentimes isn’t glamorous, has extreme importance to her family, society, and that her hidden work will influence more souls than she can possibly imagine. And Auntie Leila encourages us to also have peace – peace to not always be second guessing yourself, peace in prioritizing the home, peace in trying to have a “reasonably clean home” not perfect, and peace in trusting that God will provide.
I have known the Lawlers for almost half of my life (I was college roommates with Rosie whom I consider a sister…so of course I’m a bit biased in all that I’m saying…but I’m biased because I know Auntie Leila and her family and I see that what she is saying is based on something real and that has stood the test of time…I have been constantly welcomed into her home and can attest that the joy and love present in her family is real. Young moms – make sure that when you go on-line and read that you are trusting mothers like Auntie Leila who have raised families and have wisdom, based on prayer, time, and experience). I have read this beautiful blog for quite a while and I have always seen that what Auntie Leila attempts to do here is to help us see the beauty in our vocations as mothers and wives. The beauty in creating a home. The beauty in taking care of the littles and the bigs. The beauty in taking care of our husbands. St. John Paul II in many of his writings talked about how men and women are created equal but not the same. And only we have the unique capacity to love in a certain way that creates the home. I always think about Our Lady and how she asked for Our Lord’s first miracle at the wedding feast in Cana. She knew to ask since she was so in tune with the needs of those around her. I believe that Auntie Leila encourages us to do the same. To be in tune with our families and those around us in the unique way that only women can.
So thank you Auntie Leila for writing. Thank you for talking about simple but important topics like menu planning to the more heavier and philosophical like this post. Thank you for all that you do!!!
We love you!!!
Amada Beatriz says
A lot of ink has been spilled on this already that I really have nothing else to add. If I were standing next to you, Leila, I would give you a huge hug and say THANK YOU because your writings have done so much in helping me rescue from the pitts of my memory what being a woman means. It is largely because of this blog that I ever found the courage and strength of get married young and welcome new life into this world. I certainly have you to thank for “preparing me”, in a way, for the blessings that are my husband and baby. God bless you!
Heidi says
Ladies,
I suppose this discussion thread has nearly run its course but I had a few thoughts, late though they may be. Auntie Leila is quite capable of stating her position and needs little to no help from me (no doubt) but I felt it might be interesting to share an insight I have observed here. I think it’s important to be tough on issues but gentle on one another. I hear a disturbing flavor of relativism amongst a number of the voices here. Most of the comments have come from thoughtful, intelligent women but I would caution some of you from falling for the subtle snare of subjectivity. If I may, I believe Auntie Leila is defending and reminding us all of certain universals. Universals that have been ordained by God and embraced by the Church since its foundation. On a basic level, husbands are the providers, wives are the preservers. Nothing archaic or competitive here. We’re talking complementarity, not a catch phrase about equality vs inequality. In a perfect world, all marriages would espouse this ideal. But, sadly, things are not perfect. Husbands lose their jobs, marriages end in divorce, cancer happens, elderly parents need full-time caring, etc; and that model starts to fall away a bit as the societal demands and burdens upon both husband and wife increase. I think, thankfully, where grace is needed, grace abounds all the more. So, those loving in less-than-Leave-it-to-Beaver conditions may rest in the assurance that His Will is ever merciful and abundantly generous. He will provide. But let us not forget that these conditions are the exception and not the ideal. I feel it is beneath our dignity to argue for a position merely because we find ourselves living in it. When my mother was ill, I spent long hours away from my children at the hospital. I did not see this time away from them as avoidable but nor did I argue that it was preferable; I accepted it as the situation I found myself in and prayed for God’s constant mercy and protection of our family. And He did provide. We are very capable, us wives and mothers. It isn’t an argument of role-playing or competency; it’s an argument of fittingness. When we lose the ideal, we lose more than just a model to aspire to, we lose our own sense of vocation. All the women here at LMLD—Leila & her beautiful daughters—truly embody that universal ideal and have sought to fight for and ‘preserve’ that unique calling of the married woman. I hope I made my thoughts clear enough, here. Oh, well.
Anna says
I’m late to this party and have not read all 250 + (!) comments yet.
I’m a working mother but was not offended by this post. I’m tired of the argument that every family should do what they want with no judgment or guidance from anyone else. I think it’s an excuse. First, it denies the fact that some things are better than other things. Some art is better. Some music is better. It’s like the endless wars about music in the Mass – I like gregorian chant and you like On Eagles Wings – whatever floats your boat. No – gregorian chant is better than On Eagles Wings. Second, saying that one thing is better than another thing does not mean that the lesser thing is worthless or bad. No family has the best of everything. We all makes choices to have one good and concede on something else.
A non-working mother who can focus her attentions on her family is best for that family; children, father, and mother. It may not be an option for everyone. For some of us, it’s an option but we choose other things for various reasons; some good and some bad reasons.
Many of us are unable to discern the best because we live in a culture that distorts it. With art and music, we should seek to improve our tastes so we come to prefer the better music and art. With a family life, most of us have no understanding of what a non-working wife and mother brings to the home because homemaking and childrearing have been devalued. We live in a culture that values paid work and we do not live in a culture that values children. These are all distortions of the truth that makes it hard to see the benefit of homemaking and childrearing.
Even though I work outside of the home and send our only child to school, acknowledging that a stay at home mother is best is not offensive to me. I know that no family has the best of everything. One of the big lies that we tell ourselves today is that we are giving our children the best or that our children attend the best school, etc. All children are above average, etc. Few of us are giving our children the best education. And that is okay! God never calls us to be the very best.
Shannon C. says
Well when I read the post in the email (sorry I never click through-shame!) my thought was, ooh cool look at the quilts idea! Never thought twice about the rest.. Ooh wonder if my husband is rubbing off on me a little? Thanks for all the sacrificing to write such lovely and thoughtful posts even if it everyone agrees, hearts will soften and conversions will happen…eventually.
Elizabeth Clare says
I read this post last week, but am only now coming back to comment on it after hearing you have been subjected to firestorm because of what has so long been held truth (I took it all in stride upon my initial read). Through God’s sweet Providence, I have always been a stay at home mom (our oldest came 9 months and several hours after our wedding and I refused to attend grad school with a child at home). Living out my vocation as mother/wife/homemaker has been something that has developed my desire for the simplicity of life that it provides our family, especially upon seeing the fruit that this counter-cultural life bears.
I was perfectly content being at home and nurturing the souls God has blessed us with, but (maybe me listening to the culture?) I always wondered if I should do more. I sought God’s will a lot and finally started blogging, though I wasn’t for sure it it was His leading. I maintain “blogging hours” during naptime and refuse to work evenings or nights when I should be with my husband and family (this all adds up to about 7 hours of work a week), but I still wonder if I should drop the whole thing and focus entirely on those eternal souls instead. Unfortunately, I think the lure of “working-at-home” has pushed us modern mama’s further from our convictions. We somehow think that as long as we are bodily present, we are fully present to our families- which couldn’t be further from the truth.
All this to say, THANK YOU for holding your convictions and sharing them with the mothers of the next generation. I see no hypocrisy in your writing now that your children are fully grown and I have found your words such a balm and wisdom for my modern mothering soul! God bless!
Kathleen says
Thank you for speaking truth to the heart’s of mothers. “God’s commands are not burdensome.” Indeed.
Melanie says
Thank you Leila for offering me encouragement in this post. I’m truly sorry for those who find it offensive because it has been so helpful for me. I am in my first year after homeschooling for 10 years and feeling torn between my desire to remain at home and the economic needs of my family. Your words and the words of some of the commenters have helped bring clarity in my mind & heart. It’s now more clear to me that I want to remain at home and I have a renewed desire to love and serve my family well at home. I needed to be reminded, again, that this hidden work is important and valuable. Thank you for the affirmation!!!
Jamie says
Wow! What a storm of comments. God bless you Auntie Leila! I appreciate your writing and thoughts. Praying that you are encouraged.
Melinda Ortego Loustalot says
Well, you said so much more than quilts in this post, and as usual I am late to the party with this being post #269 or so, but I just HAD to say I LOVE your quilt idea!! Houston had one of it’s coldest winters recently, and tho we’ve had our drafty windows replaced, the cold air still streams in through the cracks around our doors like crazy and I wondered to myself more than once about just how I could hang a curtain over them and Voila! you’ve done it!! Now at least I’ll be ready NEXT time we have cold weather!!