The weekly “little of this, little of that” feature here at Like Mother, Like Daughter.
- OK, I actually have a lot to say about this article, so it's going to be my headliner: How Getting Rid of Stuff Saved my Motherhood — normally I would say that this kind of title is irritatingly clickbait-y, and perhaps not even use it here. But, actually, I think that it may not be an exaggeration in this case.A few things stand out to me here.For one thing, this woman was told by other moms that her miserable home life was normal and that she'd “get through it.” How many of us are told that we'll “get through it,” that motherhood is something we just have to “get through?” When I look around me at the women who are mothering by today's standards and feeling pressure to have it all, I absolutely see women who are “getting through it,” feeling dragged through their day-to-day activities, feeling stressed out, feeling left behind, and consoled simply by the thought that “this is just a phase.” “Suffer through these childhood years and then you can go back to a career where you'll be thanked and at least feel in control of a few parts of your day… or be able to drink coffee alone, if nothing else.”It is this mindset and way of life that makes having more than two children simply too difficult. If you're going to “get through it,” there has to be an end date, and it can't be more than a decade away. This exhausting, draining, stressful phase had better wrap up while you still have a little life left to live. Honestly, when I look around at the oppressive norms and the meager resources most women are working with, I get it. I don't think I could handle even considering the addition of a third child, if those were the cards in my hand.
So I commend this lady for refusing to settle for that answer. Not only is there more to mothering little kids than “getting through it,” but in fact this season and every other season of family life can be a time of joy and flourishing. But: we have to reclaim traditional ways in order to learn how (in her case, she taps into the old-school understanding that children don't need many toys).
For another thing, and very obviously, her story is a great reminder of how material things can bring us down. We, as mothers, can be vulnerable to marketers who want to peddle us more and more stuff with the tempting line that each new “thing” is going to make our job easier. A new toy will occupy the kids and we'll be left alone, right? We need retail therapy when we're feeling down so that we can be reminded that we're real people too, right?
We accept the stereotype that, once a baby comes into your life, your house has to be not just sprinkled, but coated with toys, swings, endless accoutrements that are beeping and singing and tripping you up… This is supposed to be obligatory.
And yet, the stuff in this woman's life was actually making her depressed. It was thwarting her children's play! Our Faith tells us that we should place our treasure in Heaven and not in material things — are we surprised to learn that allowing too many things in to our life can bring us down?
Finally, this study she mentions from UCLA: there you have it, ladies. We care about our homes. Even if we tell our minds that we don't care, our bodies will remind us that we do. When an untidy house raises our stress hormone levels and we feel that we're failing our families if we're too cluttered, it's time to assert, once again, the value and status of the homemaker and the housekeeping. Whatever the feminists tell us, this does matter to us (not so much to the men, eh? notice that?) and we should do the things that make us and our families happy and help us to be better women and mothers.
The author mentions that she had her fourth baby after getting this housekeeping thing under control. I have to ask myself how much her clutter-free, happy state played into the event of welcoming a new life into the family. How many women are out there, thinking that once upon a time they wanted more kids, but now that they're in the thick of it, “getting through it,” they realize that there's no way; they're simply not up for it?
So yes, in a sense, this de-cluttering is the kind of move that saves motherhood.
I only go on about it to remind you, as this article has reminded me, what LMLD is all about: rediscovering the practical ways and methods, the habits, the old-fashioned wisdom, the meal plans, the laundry strategies, the educational know-how… the collective memory… that makes this life of ours not something to “get through,” but a honed skill, a source of contentment, a channel of grace, a joy.
More on parenting and children:
- I have posted something along these lines before, but I for one never get tired of it. (Let the record show that I do not support children severing their fingers.) Should we Let Toddlers Play with Saws and Knives? from the WSJ.
- Why do we Judge Parents for Putting Kids at Perceived – but Unreal – Risk? from NPR. From the article: “The people with presumably the most child care experience (mothers) actually expressed the most exaggerated overestimates of risk. I was genuinely surprised by that. But I guess that's because I was expecting people to be rational, and people are just not rational about this subject.” (NB: you would probably guess as much, but we do not endorse the viewpoint represented here that fathers don't make a unique contribution by working and mothers by care-taking.)
- The Screen Hoax from Time Magazine. I've always had a very bad feeling about the influx of expensive screen technology into every classroom, but now I'm feeling fired up about it. This article makes me think that parents should be forming coalitions to start pushing back against the system that is promoting this “pedagogy” (which is unsupported by research) at the expense of the taxpayer and, most importantly, at the expense of the child.
In the World of Science:
- An astounding story of a man, Martin Couney, who changed medicine and creatively cared for preemies, saving thousands of lives… and was also a fraud.
- For the star-gazers in your household: What Starlight Teaches us About Space (Pretty Much Everything)
- Zeugma After the Flood. Recent excavations have unearthed amazing mosaics in Turkey.
Miscellany:
- For big-picture considerations to help us think about what makes good policy, read Immigration and the Family by Fr. Jerry Pokorsky.
- In Iceland, a hand-drawn map is as good as an address. So appealing, right? Auntie Leila thinks perhaps because of our desire to be known?
- Looking for a reading list? Here is one compiled from C. S. Lewis' An Experiment in Criticism. I'd say he's probably a good source for a solid bibliography…
And if you'll allow some self-promotion:
- I'm finally joining Instagram in an effort to give a glance into my arts-and-craftsing “workshop.” If you're on there, please follow me as I get started! I'm DaedalShop.
- And don't forget to follow the others, too — links are below, as usual!
In the liturgical year — It's a big one for us today:
Today is the feast of St. Gregory the Great, the patron saint of the St. Greg's Pockets!!
Not only do we women need the collective memory in order to be at peace and not just “getting through,” but we also need community! We need each other, other women, especially ones who are a bit further down the road than us and can help us along. And women who are just getting into the whole motherhood gig need us. Yes, much of it is hard, and that's why we need other women who are there, in person, to be with us along the way and show us how or at least share in the difficulties. To try to do it alone is a disservice to ourselves and our families, and not helpful to other women and their children who could really use our help (once we've got a thing or two down).
So, if you're not already benefiting from a Pocket, what are you waiting for? Is there one in your area? Check the list. Could you get one started? Maybe think about it today and say a prayer to St. Gregory!
If you have any particular questions or need specific encouragement, feel free to email us or comment here to ask! We want to help you and your families have this great community in your neighborhood!
Special note: Any ladies in Boston who could get a Pocket going? I know of at least one and I think maybe two women who are really struggling in that area to have any community to support their motherhood. If you are there, could you band together with a friend to get the FB group going and start a Pocket? If you know someone there, could you encourage her to do this? The need is real!
Happy Feast Day!
~We’d like to be clear that, when we direct you to a site via one of our links, we’re not necessarily endorsing the whole site, but rather just referring you to the individual post in question (unless we state otherwise).~
Lacy says
The headliner article was fantastic. I wish I had learned it so much earlier in my mothering. Thank you for sharing.
Theresa says
Thank you so very much for your clear and kind reminders here…I am an older, adoptive mom who is learning to parent one day at a time! I have expressed frustration on occasion, only to receive messages like these from well-meaning friends! It is vital for our peace of mind (and our soul!) to remind ourselves of the very important job we are being asked to do. I am also learning the hard way to monitor EVERYTHING! The more we bring in, the more we risk “strangers” who will inform and confuse our children. Example: while on vacation last week we allowed our daughters to watch morning cartoons (not PBS – first mistake). We thank St. Monica, now for her intervention: I overheard one cartoon character mom speak to the other cartoon character mom that her life was this way (difficult, I assume, was the complaint) because of the many “disappointments” she had – turning her head to reference the children at the table!!!!!!! What if I hadn’t caught this? No worries, the tv was turned off immediately….Funny, how one character is named Darwin. That should have been my first red flag! Bless you for your ministry! I am so grateful for LMLD!
Deirdre says
Ugh, that’s awful!! Supposed to be funny? blech.
Amy says
THANK YOU SO MUCH. I am pregnant with my first and have been so discouraged and frustrated with the negativity that permeates much of the current discussions about motherhood. Although it is completely antithetical to my beliefs and my intuition, it sometimes starts to really get into my head and freak me out! I have been needing something like this. I am 33.5 weeks so it is nice and timely, too : )
Deirdre says
Yep, just brush it off, Amy! It’ll be great! (And be sure to say ‘yes’ to anyone who offers you help when the baby comes!)
Laura says
Really enjoyed the message of the article. We do not struggle too much with toys/clutter (our little guy is still young enough to be transfixed by a singular rattle or two!) but since becoming a mom I too have struggled to balance expectations with what feels right for our family. We particularly struggle to combat “busy” as there always seems to be some event, function, or activity we are “encouraged” to attend. We love spending time with family or friends and giving our son opportunities to socializs but it is good to remember it is okay to simply say no and choose a slower pace for our family so that we can really enjoy eachother.
Deirdre says
Good point – scheduling clutter! Simplicity comes in many forms…
Lauren says
Yes, yes, yes. I was pregnant with my third child when something had to give. I had a friend (mom of seven, homeschooler) who started a minimalism blog. It saved me too. I had so many people tell me to focus on my babies and ignore the mess. But that was no answer, because eventually I ran out of dishes, clean clothes, and the place was practically non functional anymore. I didn’t want to neglect my kids to have a clean home, either. So decluttering saved me. My friend who started the blog started making changes around her third child, too, I believe. Something about that third child I guess. Interesting point about it helping us be open to life.
Lisa G. says
It was interesting to me that NPR did such an involved article on over-judging mothers. Now, I have no children, and I admit I skimmed the article – it was long, and I think I got the gist – but as a sixty year old, I would say that even though violent crime is down (they say it is), this world is not a safer place than in the sixties, when I was a child. And I don’t think there’s anyone who would argue that point, at least anyone middle-aged or older.
I have two thoughts about this. There were less people out and about during the course of the day back then. I mean, the supermarket parking lot was less full back then; things were quieter on the whole. And two, and I’m thinking of Tolkien here – if statistics say that violent crime has fallen since the 70s, okay, but – evil is abroad in the land, if I may say so. The atmosphere is different. I’m not saying that translates to a greater possibility that your child may be snatched from your waiting car – I’m just saying. You know what I mean here? If you don’t get what I’m saying, I’ll try to elaborate. But you young-uns may have a totally different view of this. After all, this is all you know.
Lisa G. says
Oh, and by-the-way, I’m not really disagreeing with the idea that parents are too hover-y. I know Leila has often talked about unsupervised play.
Lauren says
Just guessing here, since I am young (30). What I notice is that nowadays, I’m practically the only mom home on the block with the only kids home all day (even the babies are in daycare). of what I’ve heard from older moms, back in the good old days more moms were home, and kids roamed together in packs from one house to another, and parents were all collectively watching the kids and keeping each other in the loop. There was a community, so that not all the responsibility was on the parents shoulders. Now. No one is home and there is no one to help if I step inside the house to put the laundry in the dryer. There’s no one to leave my kids with while I make a ten minute trip to the store. Now, there is no ,until help and many people are offended if you try to correct other people’s children that parents don’t get involved, and want to avoid conflict and don’t keep each other apprised or take any responsibility for anyone else’s kids. I think evil is probably about the same as it ever was….reading some Old Testament stories of how corrupt cities used to be….it’s always been around, always will be. I think it’s tougher these days because we are expected to do everything on our own, yet somehow give kids freedom to grow if we want healthy kids. Yet, I’m more scared to leave my kids unattended at all because the biggest threat is your neighbor calling CPS. We’ve had caldron on our block playing in their front yard, and the parent steps inside, and a nosy neighbor calls the cops. It’s crazy.
Lauren says
Sorry for typos. I hate typing on my tablet!
Lauren says
And, I thought that in the npr article they should have included the risks of getting your children taken away by CPS as a valid risk, because although it wasn’t something on the radar years ago, it is a valid threat in modern society.
Lisa says
I concur! When we initially moved into our house, we were the only family with young kids on the block. After almost a decade, other families moved in and the quality of my kids’ lives improved immensely. They played outside more, and they had opportunity to interact with kids of all ages- not just kids of the same age we invited over for playdates.
Even with all the extra kids on the block now, it amazes me how little time kids spend at home. So much structured, extracurricular activities. Kids just don’t hang at home anymore.
Deirdre says
Lisa, maybe there is something unsavory in the air that wasn’t there thirty years ago. But I agree with Lauren. I think the lack of collective mothering is a huge factor, along with the accompanying threat of government-sponsored interference.
And perhaps if there were more kids frolicking around, it would serve to curb the behavior of some people. Once you accept the premise that almost all people are *not* actually out to kidnap your kids, maybe you can see how it would help them to see innocent little ones around and think twice about some of the things that they’re doing/thinking about/saying…
Mari says
I was just thinking about this yesterday. Now that my youngest is five (I have three) I can say that the baby-toddler years were hard, but hard like climing the Mount Everest is hard. Next to being hard it was also my biggest dream come true and an amazing experience!
Mari says
I also feel the need to comment on the NPR article. My kids are for sure living more protected lives than I did growing up, but it is not because I’m so worried that something will happen to them. I think that I and my friends got to live so freely for all the wrong reasons, mostly so that both mom and dad could work fulltime. It is very easy for parents to have highly independent children that are never around. That is of course not at all what you mean by free play and I fully support and agree on your defintion and reasons. I just think that part of this overprotectiveness might be a counter-reaction to our own childhoods. At least in retrospective the freedom of my own childhood feels more like being left on our own for practical reasons.
Deirdre says
That’s a very interesting consideration, Mari! If some people feel they were neglected, you can see how the overcompensation would happen.
sibyl says
One of the most liberating things to realize with motherhood is that is truly is an occupation when it also includes running a household. There is a reason that rich people hire housekeepers — a household needs a full-time person to keep it running smoothly! Those families with two full-time jobs will back me here: Every weekend is a mad scramble to get even the basics covered, and that is with someone else taking care of the children full -time.
Raising children and running a household is a full-time occupation, and it is one that has its particular challenges. Like any occupation, it requires effort, planning, patience, and a lot of learning and commitment. But it also has great joys and perks, so if you are not getting any of those, there is definitely something wrong.
When I tell people that I have six children, or mention that, for 12 years of our marriage, I was either pregnant or nursing or both, they always say, “Wow – so much work! you have your hands full! ” or something similar. But really, what fulfilling occupation is there that DOESN’T seem that way to others? A concert violinist has her hands full with practicing, travel, teaching, performing, learning new pieces, etc. An architect has her hands full of whatever it is that architects do. A zookeeper has her hands full of animals, etc…
I want my hands full! I want an occupation that matters, that makes the world a better place. Running a home and raising children is for sure such an occupation. “You get through it” –? How about, “Keep trying, keep pondering and planning, keep starting over, keep seeking the Lord’s grace, do your best and let His Majesty do His part!”? I’m not a great mom or a great housewife by any means, but it’s better than measuring my achievement by a paycheck or a job title.
Deirdre says
Absolutely love this, Sibyl! So beautifully put!
Caitlin says
The WSJ article looked especially intriguing, but seems to be for paid subscribers only! Just FYI!
Lisa G. says
Yes, I got that message, too.
Anamaria says
A little trick for viewing of WSJ articles without a subscription: googling the article title and author. It will come up, and you can see it. I don’t know why this works, but it invariably does.
Caitlin says
Thanks!
lisa says
Coming from a mother of 5 homeschooled children, cleaning out clutter is completely relaxing and refreshing to not just me, but our entire family. There’s something about ending a day knowing the house is cleaner and more ready to tackle the next day…….and very rarely do we miss any of the stuff we get rid of!
Thank you once again for your encouragement for us!
Tia says
Sigh. I am so drawn to the appeal of decluttering to simplify life, but I also recognize that at least some of my temptation to throw everything out comes from my own incompetence at managing things. I lack a skill that allowed women from earlier generations to hold on to a lot more “junk” without letting it take over their lives. When my husband was helping clear out the immaculate, 1-bedroom apartment where his grandmother had lived since 1970, they found every scrap of wrapping paper anyone had ever given a gift to her in, every gift they had brought from every trip, 50-year-old lace pillowcases from Poland — not to mention the huge assortment of tchotchkies she dusted every day . Everything she had kept was the definition of clutter, but because she has this amazing skill for managing and saving caring for things, it wasn’t seen as stressful for her, but a source of joy. So it just makes me wonder whether the reason I have this huge aversion to clutter is because I was just never taught how to manage a home — truly manage one. Of course, she saved all that wrapping paper because old habits die hard, and she grew up with scarcity.
Deirdre says
Tia, have you tried just filing away some of the toys? Sometimes you want to declutter but you don’t actually want to throw toys away. I found that it helped me to go out and buy some storage bins and put toys away, in categories, in the bins in the closet. It has the same effect of cleansing the room and everyone’s mental space, as well as giving the toys new life – the kids get excited to pull out toys from the closet that used to totally bore them.
Tia says
Yes, we have storage bins int the garage we share with our downstairs neighbors. I recently did a “toy swap” where I threw all the current, tired-seeming toys down in the garage and brought out the suddenly fresh and novel stash of zebras, polar bears and panda bears. It does work great but it requires remembering to do, as there’s nothing urgent or time-sensitive about it. (Of course, the real clutter nemesis is the box full of dried out markers and the ever growing colony of marker caps replicating under our couch. But my 2-year-old is a drawing fiend so we tolerate it.)
Lauren says
I could be totally off, but I’ve wondered about this, too. My MIL cares for her stuff without a burden. Here is something I’ve noticed though (which may or may not apply!). Women from that generation that cared for things well (around the 60’s through 90’s-ish) parented differently! The bottle feeding generation was liberating and I notice moms who bottle feed (or, even moms who breastfeed in a formula feeding way) generally spend less time holding, nursing, or caring for their kids and have more time to devote to their own plans or housework. They utilize gadgets like the baby swings, play yards, or people like dad or siblings- to entertain or care for baby while they get on with their business. This latest generation is attempting to make a comeback to breastfeeding and more attachment-theory child rearing- throwing a monkey wrench in about how to do it all.
I felt guilty for a long time wondering about the homemaking, too. I knew God wanted me to be a mother and homemaker because the Bible tells us so. I gave up any “extras” I had (no TV, no Facebook, no down time for myself) and got up early and stayed up late trying to do everything. I thought I was just being lazy or hadn’t figured it out. I think this was during Lent. When I did this for weeks and realized I still couldn’t do it all, I started getting rid of stuff. It really did save me, and I think it’s a perfectly valid “method” of organization as any.
Kari says
How do you declutter kids’ stuff? We have a constant battle to tidy everything away, but with 4 kids ages 9-1, they have different things. And, when I count up what there is…legos, trains, dress up, baby dolls, calico critters, books, games/puzzles, it seems like we already don’t have a bunch of junk. People give stuff that adds to an already in existence collection and not random junk (mostly). BUT we have lots and lots of books…how do you declutter books? Clothes are exploding, but how do you get rid of clothing when it really is necessary (we’ve pared down to a couple pairs of bottoms, a week’s worth of tops, 2 or 3 dressy outfits for church, and pajamas/undies etc)
sibyl says
Kari, it sounds like you’re doing well with decluttering. We also have tons of books, and here’s how I have reduced them.
First, any book not of the very first quality (writing/illustrations) that is ripped, bent, missing a page, I throw out. The very few that I think are keepers and have been loved to tatters, I tape up with clear packing tape. Second, any stupid books that ended up on our shelves (including any book whatsoever with trademarked characters — Dora, Disney, Barbie, Thomas the Tank Engine, etc) I donate. We actually have a rule that we don’t support any of those franchises’ merchandise, although occasionally watch their shows. The books connected to TV or movies are uniformly poorly written and trash in the technical sense, IMHO. Third, we get more bookshelves!!
Kari says
Thanks! Lol we have so many taped books loved to tatters. Some from my childhood. Just got another batch from my aunt that I remember from when I was a kid that I loved, but are sesame Street and Berenstain bears. Not fabulous, but loved. I don’t know what to do with all those. We have built in bookshelves all over our house including the girls room, but they’re 5 feet wide, so books fall out of the middle. I need to get some bookends I guess, but haven’t found any that work well.
Mrs. B. says
But there is no need to throw out the original Thomas The Tank Engine stories – the good Rev. Awdry was no Shakespeare, but the characters and stories are just what some young boys need!
If you’re just talking about fake books and stories, or with all those characters that don’t even exist in the original books, then I agree… they are pathetic.
Deirdre says
Closets and bins? Under-the-bed storage bins? Cubbies with boxes in them as drawers?
Any clothes that are out of season need to be filed away, toys that can be taken out on occasion can be filed away, puzzles and other big-kid things go up higher… (maybe you’re already doing all of this)
Anitra says
The NPR article really touched a nerve for me. I am acutely aware of making the choice “do I leave them in the car which is safer or bring them with me, which is less safe but socially acceptable?”
I am constantly struggling with this. How much responsibility is too much for my kids (not just what OTHER people think they should do, but what they are capable of doing)? How can I even find out, without being labeled a bad parent who is neglecting my child?
I’m doing the best I can to give my kids at least the illusion of independence & responsibility. Letting my 5 and 7 year old go to the bathroom at the park by themselves, or run ahead out of sight on a planned walk/bike ride. I know I could let them do more and they would likely be fine, but I am terrified of having a nosy neighbor call CPS on me. I am giving them more and more responsibility within the house, but that still doesn’t give them the independence they need to become healthy adults.
“Each kid is different, of course, and the people best qualified to decide how much responsibility and independence any given child can handle are that child’s PARENTS. Parents’ rights to make these decisions should be respected unless there is a clear, immediate and significant risk to the child’s safety.”
We’ve given that qualification over to “experts” or “the law” instead of parents. There’s not a one-size-fits-all solution.
Deirdre says
I totally hear ya, Anitra! So frustrating.
I definitely appreciated the NPR interview drawing attention to parents’ rights and the absurdity of officials making random judgment calls in these cases.
(I have to say though that the public bathroom is the one area that I feel most protective or “hover-y” about. Of course it depends on the place and the length of time the kid will be alone, etc., but if there’s one thing I’m going to helicopter about and be a mama bear about, it’s anything that could be an area of risk for molestation/exposure to predators. )
Caitlin says
“How do I even find out…” Yes!! This. I want to give my children freedom and responsibility (right now they are babies, but I’m planning ahead…), but am not sure how to determine what actually is appropriate for them. I’m assuming there is some trial and error involved, but as others have said, CPS involvement truly is a potential problem. God bless CPS for the cases when they are needed, of course, but the reality is that it had gotten out of hand, especially if your children are going to be in the public school system.
Then there is the Free Range Kids blog for ideas, but honestly that site seems to attract some weirdos, so I’m not sure…
Elizabeth says
I too read the article about stuff. While I have a bigg-er house, I still find myself constantly streamlining and decluttering our possessions. I feel instantly lighter and find my housework to decrease correspondingly. I am always so saddened by the mothers (and fathers) I hear counting the years until they are empty nesters. I can’t think of that time in my future without tearing up. Children are such a blessing! While life nurturing these little souls can be challenging, I find the blessings FAR outweigh the rough patches!
Tia says
Just thinking out loud here, but I also see this inability to deal with clutter as partly a pitfall of our “modern” marriages, where theoretically we are supposed to be equal and not have a division of labor, but in reality women still do most of the housework, but are not acknowledged as the household managers, per se. In the past, men may have been the seen as the head of the household but in reality women had quite a lot of autonomy and control as the unchallenged household managers. Now there is still a division of labor, it’s just implicit and much less smoothly operating. So men do some fraction of housework (typically much less than 50 percent) but then also feel they should be involved in ALL the household management decisions. I think that kind of friction and inefficiency, where every tiny thing is a joint decision, makes it difficult to declutter, because you can’t just decide “this is going to be the X closet” It’s also difficult and demoralizing for a woman to be tasked with the burden of housework without feeling a sense of control or mastery over the systems designed to keep it running. I know, for instance, that my MIL will just toss stuff out and decide where things go in the house. FIL may not always love it, but he accepts it as a byproduct of having someone else manage the home for him. But in our house, if I choose a place for the wooden spoon in the kitchen that my husband doesn’t like, he lets me know and we have to have a discussion about it. Usually his choice prevails even if I am the one who is always putting it away and using it 95% of the time.
Dixie says
Tia, can you and your husband have a conversation about spheres/jurisdictions/bailiwicks? As you indicate, it’s not really an equality/inequality question; it’s an efficiency or quality of life question. You do not want to banish each other from any major decision in any sphere, but it makes life so much easier if one person is in charge of the spoons and another person is in charge of the lawn.
I guess what I’m saying is, would it help if you had an explicit discussion about divvy-ing things up, with the understanding that you still consult one another about any purchase over $50 or that kind other thing? It’s so exhausting to try to live up to an impractical ideal.
God bless you!
Dixie says
Would he respond to the business analogy? I.e., a business could never succeed if everyone was in charge of everything…you need some form of (mutual) delegation in a family, too.
Leila says
Tia, I like Dixie’s suggestions. Things may need a deeper look, though, and the sooner you take that look, the better — it’s as you say: people today have entered marriage with faulty expectations, and the one about equality can lead to some serious stresses.
I strongly suggest you and your husband read the books that I listed in this post: http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org/2016/07/read-not-books-marriage/
Particularly, if you and your husband can read the one about temperament together, I think it will do you a lot of good. When we abandon roles in favor of equality, the temperament that is the most forceful wins out, and that can create pressure on a marriage! The pressure will make it so that the big crisis ahead — that pesky mid-life one, where you start to question all your choices — can precipitate a fatal lack of understanding between the spouses.
Each spouse must love and submit to the other, including in little, everyday matters. Each spouse must respect the other as a human being, including in the little things.
Mrs. B. says
I always understood that equality refers to dignity: husband and wife are equal in the sense that they have equal dignity as human beings. It should not mean that couples keep track of who does what, and constantly check whether the other does too little… what an exhausting way to live, and what a dumb way to do teamwork! It just create resentment, and who wants that as the daily bread of marriage?
Tia says
Leila, I saw those suggestions when you first posted them and even thought to myself the temperament one would probably explain a lot. I’m proactive but pretty flexible, my husband is a very strong-willed person who is slow to act; a grandmother once called him a square boulder. It takes a huge amount of pushing and energy to get him going, but once he starts moving down one path, he’ll go all the way without tumbling. It’s a good trait! (He stayed up all night for weeks to build a computer program that now automates our son’s insulin delivery and it has been so much better for our daily life) but it does mean it’s much harder to change things up when daily routines just aren’t working so well. The trick is convincing my husband to read something he will perceive as a “self-help” book, and then see it as applying to him. His typical fare is technical or very cerebral.
And Mrs. B, yes it IS exhausting. It’s kind of the worst of all worlds, as I suspect I do as much labor as the many SAHMs with equivalent age kids (I work full-time from home) but have very little say in major organizational systems. I often want to quit my job from feeling overwhelmed with life but my husband is adamantly opposed, so we keep trudging along.
Mrs. B. says
I feel for you, Tia. I think these silly conflicts are very common these days, when people usually marry after having lived on their own for some time: they have had the time to form habits in everything and are used to make every decision. Then it may be difficult for some to adjust and let go – but it’s actually liberating to do so!
Jamie says
Absolutely loved your commentary and shared it with my childbirth ed students. Motherhood is to be enjoyed. Life is to be enjoyed.
Deirdre says
Thanks, Jamie!
Ashlee says
I am a student of Allie’s. She is the author of the decluttering article mentioned. Allie has been a wonderful teacher and help to my mothering journey. She gives no frills options to moms who are overwhelmed by the amount of stuff in their day to day lives. I am so thankful for her instruction. Removing the extra clothing, dishes, paper, toys and junk from our house has given me time. Time that I spend with the Lord, my husband, pursuing my hobbies, getting outside daily with my children, and generally making our homeschooling day much calmer. I can given my full attention to my children. Instead of feeling like I can’t do it all.