It was back to school here too, as much as I try to be in denial about it.
How in denial am I about back to school?
This is the only picture I took:
In fairness, my battery died after this.
I was going to muse on the fun of packing up camping gear as you head off to your junior year at college, and maybe, just maybe, I would have taken a picture of Bridget, but maybe not, because I'm not sentimental like that; I tend to be focused on all the things I have to do (because I have postponed them, because I can't bear to think of summer being over).
But probably not; viz., I didn't even take a phone picture. Maybe she'll post one on her IG. I already miss her, so I hope so!
(These little things, above, are Cape gooseberries, also known as ground cherries. They are quite delightful and grow really easily.)
I keep reading others' updates about getting the kids back or off for the first time to college, and about starting them off at kindergarten, and about getting back to homeschooling.
Every fiber of my being resists all this.
I can't explain it. To me, the onset of fall is a reminder of all I've left undone in the soaking-up-sunshine department… and I'm not good at planning ahead.
I will remind you (because I'm sure I've written about it before) that we never started our schooling until well after Labor Day, if we could help it (and sometimes we couldn't, due to the unreasonableness of the powers that be, and we always had someone subject to those powers). Sometimes our home school didn't start until near October.
I always thought that in the depths of February we wouldn't mind having made that choice.
I happened on a book review (this one, about Jacob Neusner, “the most published man in human history,” “arguably one of the most influential voices in American Jewish intellectual life in the past half-century”) the other day, the umpteenth reminder that the most interesting and productive people in the world were misfits as children.
It made me want to come here and tell you this about educating your children, whether in school or at home: How would you feel as the mother or father of a third grader whose teacher said about him, “He prefers not to do as the others are doing, which causes many difficulties”?
But then, how would you feel as the mother or father of the adult (that grown child!) who received the Medal of Pope Benedict XVI, or who lovingly and intelligently raised a family of her own, or who could run a company, or who could engineer something needed? … for example?
I guess I'm trying to say that there is no “one thing you need to know” about the education of the child. There's no denying that — even if you delegate part or most of the formal education to others! — it takes energy and trustfulness. Not just energy; not just trustfulness.
The young child needs to learn certain things, but somehow, the world itself is set up for him to learn those things, if we mostly stand out of the way, only stepping forward to offer a few key things at opportune times.
The older child needs, among many other things, to read a mountain of books; this necessitates a corresponding amount of reading on our part — even of books we've read and studied in the past. Being the mother or father of an older child learning at home is an exercise in changing the whole way we interact with the world, because now we must wrestle with Plutarch and Dickens and Faraday… and very likely a baby or two as well! That is, the mother of such a child finds that it's real work to homeschool.
But we aren't programming a machine; we're guiding a soul, a unique person who will learn if we just give him room. Not only learn, but head off in directions we hardly imagined — that's when we find out that we can render even shortcomings on our part into freedom for this child who, it must be said, is not precisely a child of ours.
So this is just a pep talk on the subject of any anxiety you might be feeling as you raise your children (or any false sense of security you might have when you put your confidence in a system or process of education). In one sense, there's no mystery: children have always grown up and learned things, if given half a chance. Of course, that half of a chance consists very much in being left alone to think, and in reading, and in having smart people to talk to and who love them.
In another sense, the mystery is real, and so no one can “fix” it with their one easy solution or their complex method. Parents really are in the closest contact with the one thing no one knows much about, despite having been one: a developing human person. Don't be surprised if this seems difficult, but don't be afraid to relax, either, as it seems to be just the way it is supposed to be!
Sometimes, only after actually raising children do you realize what went into it, I guess I'm trying to say.
And that's when you see that it's the goal that should determine your choices. That review that got me started here really reminded me that the goal can't be “to do what the others are doing” or even “to perform well at this level.” It really has to be that we offer the child the environment and the necessary support (that is, love) to “become what he is” in Saint John Paul's phrase. Sometimes even our failures can be useful, that means — which is surely good news!
Today, as I read the reading in the Office, from Paul's first letter to the Corinthians, I thought of how much confidence we have to have in something outside of ourselves when we are faced with such a long-term task as the education of our children. I thought about how we have to be fine with doing our best in God's sight and not worrying about how it appears to man; far less about how we feel about this (and really any!) project:
People must think of us as Christ’s servants, stewards entrusted with the mysteries of God. What is expected of stewards is that each one should be found worthy of his trust. Not that it makes the slightest difference to me whether you, or indeed any human tribunal, find me worthy or not. I will not even pass judgement on myself. True, my conscience does not reproach me at all, but that does not prove that I am acquitted: the Lord alone is my judge. There must be no passing of premature judgement. Leave that until the Lord comes; he will light up all that is hidden in the dark and reveal the secret intentions of men’s hearts. Then will be the time for each one to have whatever praise he deserves, from God. (1 Corinthians 4:1-16.)
I have lots of education and homeschooling thoughts.
You can scroll through the “education” category; you can read about teaching a child to read (start at the beginning), to write (the previous posts in that category are linked at the end of this one), to observe.
There are thoughts on teaching history here and here.
I've written in general about homeschooling and have lots of reading suggestions for you in those posts. Don't miss this one with answers from Auntie Therese.
Don't forget the Library Project!
Joy says
What an encouraging passage. This will be our final year of homeschooling as my youngest graduates in the spring and I have spent a lot of time this summer pondering all that we’ve done. I am praying that we finish strong and that my son, who is indeed his own unique person, will find his path forward with the Lord’s help.
Long ago, I knew that as a single mom I was never going to be able to raise and homeschool my children without the Lord being my strength and guide. I’m thankful that He showed me that truth so that I spent much time in prayer and amongst His people with my children.
Rosemary says
I was just telling a friend that when I was homeschooled, we often didn’t go “back to school” until after my birthday, which was October 5. 🙂 We certainly relished such freedom! (It also gave my mom time to preserve the harvest that was still pouring in from my dad’s garden.)
maria says
Thank you Leila for these wonderful thoughts. I am struggling with this at the very moment. Our 3 year old son is very strong willed and often seems very spoiled to onlookers. We try so hard to educate him well but it is so difficult to know if what we are doing is good or counterproductive. Having a child who is often whining, with huge tantrums and never willing to obey what we ask him to do….it is really frustrating. I am being as gentle and loving as I can, but I begin to see he is the way he is and we have to accept it. And it so hard to accept someone’s character and deal with such behaviour on a daily basis. I always think- it will pass- but am so afraid it will not! Leaving it to God is of course one worthy option but it still makes me feel very helpless and unsure whether not doing anything is really the best course of action….
Leila says
Dear Maria, keep calm and hang in there. Three-year-old boys are indeed wild characters. Keep your standards, be flexible, and know that in a short while things will be better.
Don’t forget to read my post about whining whiners and how to cure them: http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org/2013/09/whining-whiners-and-how-to-cure-them/
Some children figure out how to behave, and others take a while. You are a good mom!
Dixie says
Maria, I agree with Leila, who gave me great advice with my similar situation a few years ago. You are a good mom! And your son is a good boy!
I want to add that you might also consider taking him in for an eye exam. The twenty minutes might be worth it — sometimes they have headaches all the time from poor vision, and we just don’t know it! Sometimes they can’t verbalize these things because they are “normal” to them.
The pediatrician will be able to tell you if his vision is adequate overall, but an optometrist — especially one who is knowledgeable about sensory issues and vision therapy (you can find a doctor through visiontherapy dot org) — will be able to better tell you if he is having trouble with double vision, convergence issues, etc., or is having balance or spatial issues — all of this is possible even with 20/20 vision. Hopefully he is not, but if he is, these things can all be fixed, and often just by you, at home, if you get good information about what to do!
Good luck and hang in there!
shwell says
I was going to say, take him for a hearing exam. Close friend with adorable but very strong willed child, who never seemed to listen, turned out to have a slight hearing issue, now resolved 🙂
Janet says
A little off topic, but the bookworm child who cannot play catch may also have a vision problem that a cursory eye exam won’t pick up either. I had 20-20 or better vision in each eye, but was not able to catch anything until I got reading glasses in late middle age when I finally got reading glasses. I had never had depth perception but didn’t know it. Most of the world treats dislike of sports as a character flaw. My daughter had the same problem.
Janet says
A little off topic, but the bookworm child who cannot play catch may also have a vision problem that a cursory eye exam won’t pick up either. I had 20-20 or better vision in each eye, but was not able to catch anything until late middle age when I finally got reading glasses. I had never had depth perception but didn’t know it. Most of the world treats dislike of sports as a character flaw. My daughter had the same problem.
Dixie says
Yes! This is just the sort of thing that a specialist (seems to be those doctors who also have vision therapy in their practice) can catch early on with a kid but that might otherwise be missed for years, as it was in your case!
Jennifer says
Maria, I know some of what you are going through. Our sixth child, a daughter, is now three and a half. From the time she was a year old she was a very difficult child. Tantrums on a daily basis. Screaming fits in public. Traumatizing the entire household at all hours of the day or night when the slightest thing didn’t go her way. My husband and I could hardly cope, and this was after five other children. We thought we were experienced! Honestly I don’t have any magic advice, except be as consistent as you can and hang on. It will get better. Indeed it is just part of who the child is– very very strong willed. As ours is getting older she seems to be learning more how to handle the intensity of her emotions. She has an extremely intense personality. Maybe yours does too. Some of the pluses with her are that she is very intelligent and she loves fiercely. Blessings to you!
Jennifer says
Thank you for these words of wisdom. Very timely for me and helps me to mentally relax about some challenges I have with one of my children in particular. I would love to start school in late September, but one consideration this year is that we are expecting our 8th child in early December. Of necessity we will probably be off the entire month of December. I know we will regret it in June if we drag out feet too much now. We never manage to complete the magic 180 days of schooling, but we do try to more or less complete the curriculum. This year I think we are only going to be able to complete a half year of math for my older ones. (They are ahead in math so we have some flexibility.) Any thoughts or advice?
Leila says
Jennifer, of course it makes sense to plan ahead (good for you, I never was too good at it!).
Of course, “getting a certain amount done” is rather relative, isn’t it? It all depends on the curriculum you choose. You speak of “the curriculum” but aren’t there many, and don’t people take different amounts of time with a given course?
One stage of math could take years if you let it. John Taylor Gatto, I think it was, posited that a person could learn almost anything in 6 weeks…
What if you had a different approach? Set the goal and then make the time fit it.
In any case, eliminate anything that is superfluous. Concentrate on quality, not quantity. I bet the kids will rise to the occasion. I can’t comment on the curriculum you’ve chosen, not knowing what it is, but take a good look at it and trim the fat. Instead, be sure they have good books — do click on my links!
shwell says
After a very medical/emotional challenging year in our family, which will continue this year – my Math choice this year is to do the following
give the test at the beginning of the chapter. ( the Teacher Manual in ours includes an alternate test)
then teach what they need to know based on results, instead of slogging through every page of things they already know and running out of time on what they don’t know
just a thought
Donna L. says
Thank you, Auntie Leila for these thoughts!
I have been re-reading your posts about writing and schooling—I am in denial because we started very late last year, and consequently, stopped in July–I don’t want to do that again this year…
Would you please give a bit of advice about spelling for the college-bound high schooler? We read great books, practice writing, and still, when there are lists or thank you notes written–simple words that are not spelled correctly….? Help, please?
Leila says
Donna, some people are not good spellers. I’m not sure why. I always attributed it to not having the right early formation, which is why I highly recommend the (old) MC Plaid workbooks. They take the child through the rules and exceptions of spelling in the course of teaching phonics, and that way by the time the child is in 5th or 6th grade, all that is left is to work on lists of tricky words.
For those, look at the Warriner’s grammar books — they have lists of commonly misspelled words. It makes more sense to work on those than to do lists and lists of ordinary words.
With the advent of spell check, I think that something in the brain shuts down. I’m not sure if this is your daughter’s issue. I used to be an excellent speller (and proofreader), and now I find myself halting over the stupidest words! I really think it’s the spell check!
And I do find that some people just don’t spell well in general. For them, the solution is to work a bit ahead of themselves in order to leave time to correct their mistakes.
Kari says
I’m not Auntie Leila, but I’ve read a bit (and am looking forward to my copy to read all of it) of 8 Great Smarts by Dr. Kathy Koch. I have a poor speller also (though only in 3rd grade) and our school teaches reading and spelling in a way that is very odd to someone who was more traditionally (mainstream) taught, but makes sense to a child. I find myself wishing I had been taught this way. All that being said, my daughter is very logic smart and less picture smart, so she wants spelling rules, and she wants words to follow those rules. Because there are so many “rule breakers” in the English language, spelling is actually a picture smart skill! You see the word and know if it looks right or not. I can show my daughter a misspelled word and she thinks it looks just fine, so has a harder time correcting her own work. We are working on using her logic smarts to learn the rules and the “rule breakers” so she can slow down and assess her spelling. Also using good old things like a dictionary (oh so painful!) From what I’ve read, Dr. Koch gives some great ideas for learning spelling in her book (and is a Christian so talks about God giving us these gifts). Might be worth a perusal.
Kari
Rebekah says
Amen and Amen! If I truly wanted a public school (or private school) education, I’d surely send my children to the professionals there. I get hung up with what they “should” know in relation to the What Every 5th Grade Child Should Know model. So I revert to the same old method instead of trusting my gut as well as the One who called me to homeschool in the first place. A timely reminder. Now, a blog post suggestion: What would you do again/not do again now that you are finished home schooling?
Leila says
Rebekah, I do try to sprinkle those thoughts in my posts… I would do much more memorization, better Bible learning (as distinct from devotional but I’d do more of that too for all of us), more of EVERYTHING!! But less, way less.
Lauren says
Oh dear Auntie Leila, I needed this so much. This past year has been crazy- a new baby, selling a house, getting a new job, buying a new house, and moving across the country. Needless to say we didn’t finish last year’s work. And this month (my planning month) we had a horrible upheaval of our home. Needless to say, not much planning was done. My original plan was to start school next week for my three oldest (8, 6, and almost 5) and your words were exactly what I needed to hear.
Mary Alexander says
Dear Leila, An excellent post as always. Though I know you like to be humble can you please talk about some of the colleges and universities that your children have attended by way of reassuring homeschooling parents that they do not need to homeschool 10 months or year and especially to those poor souls who school year round. {shudder}
Thanks!
Mary
Mary says
Thank you so much for the discussion. Your thoughts are encouraging and helpful. I love hearing from other mothers. Just a thought, you do realize that families who homeschool can also have a “false sense of security.” I personally don’t suffer the delusion, as some people including my husband do, that things are done correctly merely because I may do them myself. The best of intentions does not always mean a good result. Thanks again for sharing.
Leila says
Mary, hopefully my comments come in the context of my overall homeschooling advice, which I think aims pretty high. If you peruse my reading lists, goals, and materials, you will come to see that I favor quality over a flurry of activity and worksheets.
And this is my gist, here, which I sum up by saying “energy AND trust, trust AND energy” — not one only, not the other only.
Jamie says
Thank you! Your post has encouraged me to embrace this last bit of summer and also really get planning done instead of just diving into school without knowing what I’m doing. Plus it is reminding me that my children ARE learning even when they aren’t doing school as you pointed out so well earlier this summer! I love all of your homeschool posts please share more. 🙂 As I am sitting here planning..and starting to hyperventilate a little bit…I’m trying to tell myself I can do it and that I do not have to replicate anyone else’s plan! I am #1 making time for chores in the morning, checking the children’s chores (which I tend to never do..), spending time with my little ones and then diving into reading aloud and saving the big mom needed subjects until after lunch while the littlest are sleeping. It still seems like so much, but I pray I learn to work harder and to give my children this gift.
Lisa says
Auntie Leila –
Love your Cape gooseberries! Why do they remind me of tomatillos?
Please pray for me, as tomorrow our oldest daughter is off to college – she is such a gracious, good one…my heart is breaking.
God bless you and yours,
Lisa