Dearest Auntie Leila:
We're expecting our second baby in about 6 weeks. I'm over-the-moon excited, getting almost antsy to hold him or her, and still kind of in awed disbelief that I get to be someone else's mother, too. (I still marvel that I am Mama to our 20-month-old, and it seems nearly too good to be true that we should get another beautiful little human being to love this much!)
So, yes, I'm thrilled! And not really all that nervous or stressed out (yet?!). (I've learned a great deal about trusting in Him since becoming a mother!). But, while I think I've tried to, for lack of a better word, mentally “prepare” myself for what the transition from one to two might be like, I'm betting I don't know the half of it!
Can you ladies enlighten me? I mean, I know I can't really know until I live it, and there is no way to get good at mothering more than one babe until I actually just start doing it … but surely you have some thoughts I could tuck in my pocket for the road ahead? Little bits about how to gird my expectations or steel my nerves or practically get anything done (chores, grocery shopping)? I'm definitely not a total Type A, wigging out and needing a set of black-and-white instructions here; I'm more just wondering about the top things, looking back, it would have been helpful for you to know/realize/do when you went from the relatively easy routine of one toddler to a toddler and a baby.
People have no problem telling you you'd better make freezer meals ahead of time, but I'm guessing you have more eternal and nebulous secrets, like helping a young girl to *think* about things so she may keep a happy heart, even through all the possibly rough adjustments and sleep deprivation to come.
[If it helps to know: I stay home full-time, and I have about 3 weeks of help lined out for when the baby comes, so that I may nurse and snuggle and not get up doing too much too soon. We also have friends and neighbors who will bring a meals for 2-3 weeks. Oh, and I have a huge old-fashioned playpen, and I'm not afraid to use it; Big Sister is quite accustomed to spending time there when Mama needs to mop or what have you.]
Thank you so much for your consideration. Your blog is my absolute favorite, and your wisdom and example have been a huge part of changing me — and thus, our family and our home and our faith-lives — for the better over the past 2-3 years.
Sincerely,
Mandy
Dear Mandy,
Congratulations!
You have the most important piece, the help, lined up. Take advantage of it! I know you will.
With a little toddler, I think it's just as important for you to stay in your nightgown and rest lying down as much as possible as it was when you had your first, but after a day or so, try doing so for few hours at least on the sofa, so that you aren't in the position of being in your room and a sort of ready target for this little one who wonders why things are so different. It's hard to feel calm when the door bursts open and she is racing in and jumping up on you and what suddenly seems like (and to be fair, is) a very fragile infant in comparison…
If you can manage to rest where things are going on, even for a little while, she can do her normal motoring around but have you there to check in with.
Then you can retire to your bedroom for a long nap while someone takes her on a walk or otherwise occupies her. Even an hour a day spent on the sofa in that first week will be helpful to get her used to the new normal.
Still, let her clamber on the bed with you and don't worry… even an “accidental” kick or shove to the baby won't be too fatal! (Hopefully someone took her shoes off first!) She isn't being naughty, and soon she will learn to be gentle. It's better to say “let's be gentle” and show and demonstrate gentle strokes and pats than to get angry and say “don't be rough” — a child that age really doesn't get it. Demonstrate what you want to see from her. Give her a dolly to practice on!
I will tell you one thing: when the baby is born, your little girl will seem positively ENORMOUS to you — sort of horrifyingly so! Your husband too. You will wonder how you ever coped with these monsters before! So be ready for that and just laugh. Soon enough you will regain your equilibrium!
When you are first alone with the two babies, you will feel overwhelmed! And there will be those panicky moments. That's okay. Everyone will survive!
My dear husband used to remind me only to try to do one thing each day. It was helpful, coming from him, and given that he was willing to come home and do the three or ten things I couldn't get to.
Chores will have to wait. It's true that once I brought a meal to a new mother whose laundry was neatly folded in a basket (granted, the basket was on the kitchen table) and whose house was astoundingly neat and tidy. I repressed the urge to ask her to bring me a meal, because I can assure you that things were not that orderly at my house! Some people are naturally more tidy than others! But for most of us, the chores will have to be done one at a time for a while, if that. Remember that if you have managed meals and laundry (and by managed I mean even gotten someone else to do them), you are doing what you can!
Grocery shopping will be the hardest of the outings to get used to, I think. Try to put it off as long as you can, and I realize that might not be long enough… I definitely went first with the newborn, leaving the toddler at home — the early evening can work. Once you figure out how once again how to wear the baby or maneuver with the car seat, then you can add the other piece of the equation, the wiggly toddler. Teach her to touch the side of the car or the cart while she is waiting for you once you are convinced she won't just run away. Get the baby settled and then get her out, talking her through the process so that it gets imprinted on her mind.
What seems impossible now will be very possible in a shorter amount of time than you dreamed. Just take your time. Find the parking space near the shopping cart that someone left out in the parking lot. Put baby in the carrier, then get the toddler in the cart… or put the carseat in the cart and then get the toddler out. Take your time and don't even give a thought to anyone watching you 🙂 (Am I the only one who continually visualizes hordes and droves of judging on-lookers?)
Once in the store, I used to go first to grab a bag of pretzel rods, deploying one straight away. I find a pretzel rod will last a toddler for most of a grocery trip, won't spoil an appetite, and doesn't disintegrate into a paste the way a treacherous graham cracker does.
Keep the outings to one, and plan your escape route. Do little practice runs that you can ditch. Soon you will get the hang of it! There's nothing like doing, you know? You really do have to try it without too much of a mental picture — it's like actually just knitting something or kneading dough… there's only so much you can visualize beforehand.
One other thing: Remember that your toddler can be best motivated to behave by being a helper and a worker. Give her something to carry for you. Ask her to throw away a diaper. Have her fetch the wipes. Everyone likes to be thought of as contributing and capable, and she will be just that!
All will be well. Even the tiredness and the tears… every one of us has gone through that, so don't let it get you too upset. All the best to you! Thank you so much for reading!
God bless and a big hug,
Leila
Deirdre added the following:
I'll just reiterate that yes, the toddler will look hilariously ginormous and yes, do take your sweet time with getting back to grocery shopping. I like to park as close as possible to the cart drop-off spot so that I can unload my kids into the car and then just shove the cart right in without having to worry about returning it somewhere approved or feeling guilty about leaving it somewhere unapproved. Once both kids are in the cart/in your carrier/stowed safely in some form, it's all good. (I do definitely prefer wearing the baby and keeping toddler in the cart rather than wrangling the car seat into the cart… there's just so little room for groceries if the carseat is in there!) It's the loading and unloading that's difficult.
When I had my first, there were a couple times when I just gave up in the midst of an errand or outing. Things got overwhelming and I just kind of folded (or went through many phases of almost folding before recovering).
With the second, I ran into those similar, overwhelming moments, but I was able to regroup more peacefully, knowing that it was totally fine for me to sit down, say, on the neighbor's rock wall in order to regroup, or nurse in the car, or what have you. I imagine you'll have similar experiences: it'll seem like the world is about to end because suddenly both kids are crying and one is having a big poopy diaper and you can't find your keys… But then you'll just realize that you can take it one thing at a time and that in five minutes it will actually be a very different outlook!
Anyway, I hope everything goes very smoothly and you have a great birth and easy postpartum time!
Sukie adds: “I had to go grocery shopping with my two [they are 16 months apart!] when the baby was two weeks old. [Her husband was doing a rotation at a hospital an hour and a half away from home.] You do what you have to do!”
And: Look into grocery delivery in your area, if only for that first month that you are on your own.
Other helpful posts:
Amy A. says
Dear Mandy, just wanted to leave a bit of encouragement- you CAN do it! I have 10 month old twins, so I have never gone through the transition you are about to undertake (I had one child for exactly six minutes before the other one arrived) but it is possible to wrangle two. Find some sort of baby-wearing device that works for you; I loved a homemade Moby for my boys when they were under about 4 months, then I switched to an Ergo and now I use an enormous camping backpack; it is heavy and bulky but they love the view from above-shoulder-height rather than looking at my chest or between my shoulder blades. Baby in the carrier and toddler in the cart is a good way to do your grocery shopping, but if you are with only the baby and just picking up a few things (and I do recommend this to start; don’t make your first trip one in which you are restocking the entire pantry) try a basket and a stroller. Depending on your stroller configuration you may be able to balance the basket on the stroller, leaving both hands (!) free (!). Around the home you can do an amazing amount of things with a baby in a carrier. You will find your ways and do be sure to congratulate yourself when you make it through that first trip to the store or cook that first dinner. Congratulations! (And Auntie Leila, thank you for that tip about the pretzel rods! My boys almost have enough teeth to attempt that and you can be sure I will try it.)
Caitlin says
I too echo the “your first baby will seem frighteningly enormous” sentiment! I also echo Deirdre’s sentiment to park by the cart return. I pass up empty spaces in the front to park far away near a cart return if necessary. I was fairly new in town when I had my second baby, and had no family or friends to bring me meals, so the freezer meals I had made were truly lifesavers for us. Understanding the need for rest is really the #1 thing though!
Polly says
I would say to get in bed at night much earlier than you think you should and plan to sleep as late as your toddler will allow. When I had a 3 year old and a newborn I literally went to bed at 8pm and got up at 8am. My husband put our older child to bed. I didn’t sleep 12 hours of course (ha! what a thought!) but just being in bed and resting was so helpful. I also encourage you to put your feet up as often as possible and rest during the day.
And on the less practical, but more emotional level, remember that lots of people have done this before and you can do it, too. That was my primary comfort whenever I felt overwhelmed!
Ally | The Speckled Goat says
Touching the cart!! My mom (bless her) with four little ones under 6 years old, instilled in us early that we were to be holding the side of the cart, or we’d be confined inside the cart (and no one liked that).
Even now, grocery shopping with my husband, if he’s pushing the cart, I’ve got one hand on the side. Old habits die hard.
Taryn Beachler says
On grocery shopping: stores in my area are starting to offer grocery pickup. So you choose your groceries online, order them, then drive to the store. You pull into a specific place and ring a bell and someone comes out and loads the groceries in your trunk. Harris Teeter and Walmart both offer this in my area and it is awesome. They charge $5 for this. So depending on your budget, it might not be an Everytime thing, but it can be extremely helpful in the early days. Grocery delivery sounds amazing, but is prohibitively expensive in my area.
Tamara says
I thought grocery delivery was such a luxury until I found out that our store delivers for free if the total purchase is over $100. Its only $5 if the total is less than that. I can order online at night and have the groceries delivered to my house at 9 a.m.!
Dasha says
I order my groceries online and then they are just put into my trunk by the empolyees. I never get out of the van! It’s a free service at wal-mart and costs $4.95 at Harris Teeter. I have a baby and two rowdy boys. Worth it!!
Kayla says
I will be in nearly the exact same position and am so thankful you answered Mandy’s question, too. Thank you for the practical and encouraging advice!
sibyl says
What I did for each toddler/newborn combination was, to use nursing time as reading time. Anytime the toddler seemed to go for it, I’d make sure there were books near the spot I was nursing the baby, and as soon as baby was situated, I’d read to the toddler/preschooler. A lot of toddlers will sit still sort of leaning on you while baby nurses, because they like that you are focused on them, although baby is there too! It is really good snuggle time for the whole family. This habit led to a life of many, many read-aloud sessions with the kids as they grew, and actually, I sorely miss it now that I am beyond the newborn stage! My youngest is seven.
The other bit of advice I’d give is that you might find yourself — in the midst of hormonal weepiness — feeling terribly guilty that this new baby gets so much of your love and attention, which all used to go to the first baby! If this happens, you need to remind yourself that toddlers want to be loved and hugged, but they have a natural desire for independence and self-mastery, which perfectly corresponds to your new focus on the baby. The toddler is bigger! She wants to do things on her own! She loves to be cuddled, but not carried everywhere, because that’s what she needed when she was a newborn. So don’t allow those guilty feelings to overwhelm you, although they’re natural. Just remember to tell yourself that the older child will be just fine, and will ask when she needs your undivided attention. She’s getting a new sibling out this whole adventure, and that is totally positive!
Laura says
Congrats on the new little one! Amazon prime is a lifesaver for us. Free two day shipping is so convenient when you’re running low on diapers. It’s $100 for a whole year. We canceled our cable and just watch shows through Amazon prime and apps like the obs app, so it ended up saving us quite a bit of money in the end. I didn’t feel like leaving the house with both kids until the baby was six months old. I went grocery shopping with the baby and sometimes alone. I like Aldi because it’s super small, has limited choices and I can get in and out quickly. You have to bag your own groceries there, I have tubs in my trunk and just load the food into the trunk. Sometimez bigger grocery stores have patio furniture out which is great for breastfeeding. Even though I didn’t really like leaving the house, sometimes I just needed to get out. We’d go to story time (great librarian, maybe 6 kids and it was outside in the summer). I knew the librarian was very supportive of breastfeeding and there wouldn’t be too many kids running wild. We also would go to open gymnastics at our local gymnastics center. It was $5 for my older son and it was drop-in, so we didn’t have to pay if we didn’t go. There were lots of moms with babies in front carriers and toddlers running around. Find a couple of things that you would enjoy going to, just when you need to get out of the house. It’s pretty easy to get out when the weather’s good. Have some things in mind for bad weather days. The ergo carriers are great. Look for a carrier where mom and baby are tummy to tummy. Carriers where the baby faces out (mom’s tummy touching baby’s back) can hurt the baby’s spine. You’ll really need to reduce your expectations of yourself and what you can accomplish in a day. My mom says “one is like none and two is like ten”. It’s a bit of an exaggeration, but sometimes it feels that way! Have a mom friend that you trust that you can vent to. It seems like most kids adjust to the baby just fine. You can tell your older child things like “oh, I think our baby is so happy to see you. She just lights up when she sees you or hears your voice. You’re so special to our baby” or “when you help with our baby it warms my heart. Thank you!” Good luck! Having a sibling come along is normal and wonderful.
Deirdre says
Amen to Amazon prime! I often wonder how I’d manage without it!
Katie says
“Stand on the white line.” Best piece of parking-lot advice I received from a veteran mother, last year when my second baby was born. Turns out there’s almost always a white line along the edges of a parking place, and out of the way of moving vehicles too. This worked like a charm (and a game) and pleased my 2yo immensely to have a job to do (where’s the white line this time??? must find it!!! must get into it!!!). We built the habit and now she’ll obey if I send her to “her” white line or “the baby’s”, depending on which car seat I want to do first.
Also, more broadly, it was humbling to learn that some of what I thought I’d learned about “babies” turns out to have been about “this particular baby.” Lots and lots of my experience to date was very helpful, of course, and yet the second baby continues to give me realizations that she is a separate person, a separate personality, etc. and even in babyhood, to a certain extent, there’s no accounting for tastes. Knowing this helps me be a little more patient with myself, and keep a sense of humor, when my sense of “what babies do” leaves a bit of a discrepancy between expectation and reality.
And finally, what?? no one brings your groceries to the car for you? Move south and enjoy the lovely, complimentary hospitality of the employees at Publix! =)
Shannon says
Amen to the humbling effect of a second baby! When I had just one I couldn’t understand why some parents let their children climb on everything, put crazy things in their mouths, insist on messily feeding themselves, etc. Now with two, I see that some babies are bound and determined to do so, and I am learning to relax and appreciate their curiosity.
Victoria says
“Bound and determined…” Isn’t that the truth?
kristina b says
I don’t have a lot of new advice – there is so much good stuff here! From my experience with two 16 months apart: I totally agree with modeling gentle behavior and showing your toddler how to act instead of just reprimanding or using negatives, because it’s easier for them to understand and helps them connect with the new baby. Also, the biggest lifesaver for me at the beginning was to only plan one “event” for each day (like, grocery shopping, cleaning a room, making an involved meal, going to the park, etc.). If that was my expectation for myself, I didn’t feel overwhelmed by everything I wanted to do, I didn’t feel like a failure if I didn’t get a lot done, and I felt hugely successful if I did more than that one thing! I guess one more tip that really helped me personally is to go out for a short walk everyday just to break up the monotony of being in the house 🙂
Evelyn says
Great advice so far! Don’t have much to add but reiterate having groceries delivered (or just a pickup at the store after ordering online) was super helpful once all external help was gone and I wasn’t quite ready to go in with two yet.
My husband and I also arranged that he do the last baby feed (once he took to a bottle for that one feed) of the night so I could get a four-five hour stretch of sleep before “night shift” as I called it.
And lastly, just pray when you can. When you’re half asleep feeding or half crying balancing both at an impossible moment.. Our Mother is so familiar with fatigue, and nursing, and raising a family!
You can do it!
Evelyn says
Oh and something practical- we have two stories and I so I set up a change station both upstairs and downstairs. Baskets of extra outfits diapers wipes and creams so I could limit doing stairs each day. And it was both children (not sure if your eldest is potty trained yet), as my oldest was still in diapers.
Dixie says
And if you use a Boppy or other nursing pillow — get two!!! One for upstairs, one for down. Huge help!!
Caitlin says
Yes, two Boppys! Or even a designated “nursing” bed or throw pillow that you keep on the couch. Even with just one kiddo stairs KILLED me for the first four months. I found stacks of Boppys for $10 at most baby consignment stores. Having the second one felt so luxurious…
Karen says
If you can have groceries delivered, I strongly recommend it. For outings to stores I like to change and nurse the baby before leaving the house and time everything so we will be home before the baby needs to eat again. Most of the time I will do the errands during the baby’s morning nap time so he/she sleeps the entire time we are out and about. I also have certain items, like diapers and wipes and other household essentials on a subscription service (Like Amazon Subscribe & Save) so I never run out of diapers or wipes. And for trips to places like Target I always look for the spot next to the cart return. It just makes things easier.
Martha says
I wanted to add – although this doesn’t just apply to second babies – that on nights especially when I’m really struggling (baby won’t settle, toddler is sad I’m not the one to be there), I offer up my sufferings for the people in the world who need it most at that moment. People can be in some pretty dire straits at 2am – and I offer my sufferings for them. Somewhere I heard a talk that mom’s up at night with babies are part of the great “Night Watch” of the Church – that we join our prayers with the nuns and brothers who rise in the night to pray and ask the intercession of God, that we are joined with those in perpetual Adoration all over the world, that we can join ourselves in spiritual communion with wherever Mass is being said.
I find that incredibly comforting and use it often. I’m not just a sleep deprived mom – I’m part of noble vanguard protecting the world!! 🙂
Congratulations on baby number two. My second baby just turned a year in March and the shine hasn’t worn off yet! Like you, I feel so honored to be given two children of my own. Being a mother is such an incredible gift.
Caitlin says
Martha, I love that idea! Thank you!
Kate says
That is truly a beautiful way to think about those long nights awake. My pregnant hormonal self got all teary contemplating the vast Church militant praying around the world in the wee hours!
Jenny says
That is just a beautiful sentiment. I do pray a lot when I’m up at night, and I never once thought about all the religious brothers and sisters doing the same. That brings a whole new meaning to it all. And also, yes, people can be in really bad situations at 2 AM, much worse than comforting/tending to a baby. Thank you for sharing!
Victoria says
Thanks so much for sharing! Love it!
Katherine says
I love the brief statement that the outlook will change in five minutes. Someone said that to me once and it is so true! No matter how horrible the blowout is or how hungry the toddler is or whatever- all will be different in five minutes. And you can do five minutes.
tornado-lou says
True 🙂
Elisa Gray says
To combat sibling rivalry during those first few months of adjustment for the toddler, I read to my older son whenever I nursed my younger son. If he didn’t want to sit and read, no problem. But I wanted him to feel like he wasn’t being thrust aside. (Especially since baby #2 had the worst case of colic I have ever read about) It was a fun time for both of us, and I had few episodes of him feeling put out and acting out. Also I really worked hard on discipline while I was pregnant, so that my older son was used to behaving immediately.
Anamaria says
We are a few months in to the toddler/baby thing- definitely great advice! It’s gone mostly smoothly for us, with some bumps along the way
I am having a hard time gradually ramping up my expectations- some of it is that the baby is a fairly easy baby, so I think I felt like I should be doing more sooner than was reasonable. She is five months old now, and starting to take two longer naps, which is certainly helping. But I am having a hard time balancing caring for her, keeping the house generally clean/everyone fed & clothed, and giving the toddler (almost 2 1/2) enough attention. Like the letter writer, I am not a perfectionist (especially when it comes to a clean house!), but at a certain point my house felt really gross and I was still struggling to just have food cleaned up! Then I started on a cleaning binge, but it was clear the toddler needed more attention (I should add she was with my parents for five nights around when her sister was born because of really irregular contractions after I was already overdue, and then again for three nights three weeks later when the baby was hospitalized for rsv/we found out about a very manageable heart condition- I think all of that time away was a lot for her). My husband has been as helpful as he can be, but he has been studying for (and taking) the four-part CPA exam (but he’s done this Saturday!).
Any advice on this stage? I see Dierdre’s bread and I am jealous! It’s all I can do to throw ingredients in the bread maker!
Leila says
Anamaria, I have a whole series about this! 🙂
Start here and work back and forward: http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org/2010/04/no-more-boom-and-bust-sparkle-and-shine/
Anamaria says
Yes, thank you, I have read it! It is very helpful- I am just not sure how to do this and give both children the attention they need, or taking the toddler to the park, etc.
(Though maybe I can when we are starting from a minimum of clean, vs. two months post-partum when nothing had been deep cleaned since the last days of pregnancy.)
Jena says
I just had #3, so I’m slowly learning my lessons about adding babies in. The thing that was helpful for me was choosing 2-3 things that were really important/make the biggest impact. Even though I am not a very clean/tidy person, it made a big difference in my outlook on the day to start with a clean living room and sink, so I would try really hard (with my husbands help, especially at the beginning) to spend a few minutes before the toddlers went to bed cleaning up toys and load the dishwasher. Laundry was the 3rd item, and I told myself if I could just keep it going (a load every-ish day – and put it away!!), then things wouldn’t get too out of control. No, it may not ever be DONE, but we probably wouldn’t run out of underwear. Toilets and floors are pretty dirty, but we are almost at 3 months with 3, and I can’t complain!
And re: much of the above advice, beyond housekeeping, food is probably the most important (slash annoying and time consuming 😉 ). We did, and do, keep it simple and repetitive. It also makes grocery trips shorter and more simple. I’m not doing comparison shopping or extreme couponing, just making sure everyone is fed. And while before I might’ve done a bigger shopping trip each week, the first weeks/months, it was easier to pop in for just a few necessities here and there (and hubs can pick up some stuff on the way home, too). It’s good “training,” especially with the whole brood.
Melissa D says
I found that front-loading time with the toddler REALLY helped. I would put mine in my lap for 10 minutes and give her physical time, and stay close and focused with no distractions. Talk, hug, play actively– better than reading since you can do that later with the baby. Then she would toddle off to do her own thing and I could nurse peacefully or pull a meal together. If she got fussy, I would try to repeat every couple of hours.
I had 2 bins, one on the counter and one in the fridge, to put dinner items in throughout the day, chopping a veg and putting the bowl or baggie in if possible here and there. Then all I had to do was grab the bin and assemble a meal! I also wish I had sprung for housecleaning every once in a while– the sense of instant peace and order would have helped greatly. And amen to grocery delivery and pickup and Amazon prime!
Rosie says
Anamaria, my bff’s husband studied for and took that exam a few years ago – it is no joke! I’m sure that you have been a champ, supporting him and taking care of your babies. I’ll pray it goes well tomorrow.
Erica says
The hardest thing for me when we had a newborn and a toddler were those times when both would be meltingdown, usually because everyone got hungry at once. The best strategies I found to deal with that were 1) avoid it by giving the toddler a small snack before meltdown, 2) accept that the crying will stop within minutes (I really appreciated the comment about how you can stand almost anything for 5 minutes), 3) be willing to spend a few minutes getting yourself a snack or lunch even if they are weeping, because it’s hard to fix lunch for a toddler and nurse a baby when you’re crying because you’re starving too!
Mary Eileen says
This can be such a tough time period that you just kinda have to……live through! I still find it helpful to remember : This too shall pass. And when it does, you will likely look back on it fondly, perhaps especially the times when (you now realize) you were being tested in the fire.
Once *I* was having a complete meltdown in response to my toddler’s complete meltdown, struggling to put both him and tiny baby down for a nap in an uncomfortable hotel room far from our home state; husband was at the collation after a family funeral.
I retreated to the hallway outside the hotel room while pandemonium raged and texted a dear friend with a few more babies than me. Her only response was:
“You got this.”
I was so encouraged. To me it means – you’re in charge and that’s where you belong; stay calm; this is momentary; be the mother not the child; all will be well.
The phrase, along with “Mother Mary, lend me your heart” is one of my favorite mantras to repeat in those I.just.can’t.do.this. moments.
Babies will do what they were born to do – you got this!
Virginia says
I agree with the “this too shall pass.” I really had no idea what I was doing when my oldest daughters were 20 months and a newborn and I felt like we were crying all the time. Part of that was that the baby was colicky and I was suffering with PPD. BUT–it was a tremendous time of growth for me. I think that’s really when I became the mama, not the child, as you say, and we’re all a lot happier for it. I look at them now–3 and 4 and they’re so happy and such good friends (most of the time, anyway!) and I’m so happy and more confident (most of the time). Having an icon of Mary prominently displayed to both pray to and have her eyes on me throughout the day was very helpful.
Having said all that, now I know people who were much wiser than me and did things differently. Mostly had help lined up after the baby came and had very low expectations for themselves, household and foodwise.
Evelyn says
Love that mantra!
Jessica says
I’d like to add that having relatives help with the toddler is SO wonderful, but the older one will still need *MOM* time. I noticed around 3-4 weeks postpartum, my oldest (2.5 yrs) was acting out and getting a bit crazier/more defiant than usual. Hand off your recently fed, sleepy/content newborn and dedicate a little time to your big kid–dancing silly, playing hide and seek, playing ball, tickling, whatever is active and focused on them. It really reconnected me with my older son, and helped dissolve some pent up resentment I had for his acting out (waking the baby, running away from getting dressed, etc.). It’s easy to snuggle/nurse baby all the time, and you SHOULD! But it helped me to pass off the baby once in a while instead of always passing off the big kid to my mom/mother-in-law/husband.
I expected to be an “old pro” at the newborn thing since I had done it before. Silly me! It was a TRANSITION like no other, for me, for my husband, for our marriage. Don’t expect yourself to have it together just before you gave birth before. It’s a new deal. A great, fun, totally-worth-it deal, but I sought a family therapist to help me through the first few months.
You will get through it and your family will be awesome!
P.S. Sit on the wall side during Mass. Block off the pew exit and you won’t have to chase a toddler down the aisle while nursing a baby. 😉
Mrs. B. says
Ah, babies! 🙂 Everyone is giving great advice, too!
Our first child wasn’t even walking when I had our second baby… And we did the incredibly unsound thing of moving the week before the birth (it was a scheduled C-section.) Even now I can’t explain why we didn’t move earlier – what were we thinking?? So the beginnings were tough, there’s no hiding that. I remember crying a lot the first couple of months, and going through what was perhaps a little bout of depression for a while. I was totally alone at that point, except for my husband, and being alone makes things harder, because it’s difficult to keep your perspective. (So this is another reason not to move right before a baby is born: all the people you know are suddenly gone!)
But love is a powerful thing: you love your children to pieces, and while one second it’s chaos, or you want to cry, or you wonder how dinner is going to be put on the table, and the next second they make you laugh so hard! And you and your husband also love each other to pieces, and you just work together as best as you can, with a huge dose of understanding and forgiveness. These are the growing pains of a growing family. It helps to remember we receive the grace to live through what we have to: grace makes new parents resourceful and resilient, and gives them wisdom beyond what they could imagine!
All the grocery shopping strategizing makes me laugh, because that was not a problem for me: it was a treat for everyone! There was a grocery store within walking distance, and it was such a beautiful walk, too! So I put my kids in the huge double stroller and off we went daily, loading things in the basket under the stroller. We could walk everywhere, actually: to the library, to the playground, to the pharmacy and the post office. If naptime was shaping up really badly, I would put them in the stroller and come up with an errand. This is grace, too: no matter how difficult things are, there is always one aspect or another that makes them somewhat easier. Being able to walk was a saving grace for me: it was very much like the life I had had in the country where I come from, and it made me able to accomplish a lot while we still had no car.
Another important thing to remember, something that’s very obvious from the comments here by mothers who are now some time removed from that transition, is that you will look back fondly at this time of your life, no matter how difficult it was. I think new, overwhelmed mothers bristle at this reminder, but it is true: it’s a mix of nostalgia for the babies your older kids aren’t anymore, and of pride for having made it through it all!
Hugs to Mandy!
McKenna says
I have a much larger age gap between children, but have a few suggestions. Consider making your first few trips with both kids to a quiet park. The logistics are the same (getting both kids out of car seats, potentially needing to nurse, diaper changes, etc.), but the pressure is less. Consider it practice for the grocery store or post office. Also, if you have access to a double stroller, there are giant carabeaners that can clip a grocery basket to the handle of a stroller. You can fit quite a lot in the basket and underneath the stroller. The carabeaners can also help with carrying shopping bags back to your car. Finally, once you are out of the initial newborn stage where you should ideally be resting as often as possible when baby naps; consider designating each of baby’s nap times a separate purpose. For example, once the baby consolidates to say three naps a day; have one nap be one on one time with the toddler, one for you to nap (ideally during the toddlers nap) and one for you to work on small chores while the toddler plays in the playpen. Good luck and God bless.
Caitlin says
Carabeaners! And nap designations! Brilliant. Thank you.
Anamaria says
The baby (most days) just consolidated to three naps, so this is VERY helpful! Thanks!
Caitlin says
I am so, so happy to see this…. My little baby isn’t due until Nov/Dec, but my big baby will be almost exactly the same age as sweet Mandy’s at by then. Bookmarking this and looking forward to going throug the helpful comments as well.
Becky says
I found it vital to keep snacks in the car for ME. Nursing can really drop your blood sugar quickly and it’s easy to forget to eat or just be too busy and then you are a cranky mess and can’t deal with anything. It can also mess with your milk supply. I usually kept some trail mix (nuts, chocolate, and raisins) and always made sure I had a bottle of water with me at all times.
Kristen says
In terms of running errands, when I had my third I just planned on things taking three times as long. Planning on that made me less stressed when the toddler (and older one) were dawdling. It was a relief to stop saying, “Hurry up. Hurry up.” No, dropping the shirts off at the cleaners, which should only take five minutes, now takes fifteen or twenty. I planned on that.
I also planned on one person being in tears at most moments. Maybe the newborn, maybe the older ones, maybe me. When no one was crying it was glorious and unexpected!
Also for grocery shopping I have found it to be very helpful to also have a list of favorite songs to sing almost under my breath. The children are captivated by a mom who is signing some silly song under her breath, but picking up the produce as if nothing else is happening.
Good luck! It will be great. Our pediatrician always says that the best thing you can give your kids is a good marriage. And the second best thing is a sibling.
Ajda says
Your pediatrician is awesome 🙂
Jessica says
Congratulations! I went through this two years ago. The best advice I can give you is LOW EXPECTATIONS for the first 4-6 months. As in – feed the toddler something, anything, and keep the baby alive. In clean diapers as much as possible. That’s it. You might think I’m exaggerating but I’m not! Newborn months = survival mode.
Other helpful things…
– get a good baby carrier – Ergo is my favorite – and keep the baby in it all day. Then you are as hands free as possible for your toddler.
– even if you can’t be playing with your toddler, try to give eye contact when you’re nursing, changing, etc. I found this helped my older child immensely to feel like she was still getting attention (she was 32 months when brother arrived though).
– take a hot shower as often as possible. The postpartum darkness always crept up on me when I hadn’t showered in a while, and a hot shower (often with a cup of coffee!) always lifted my spirits. This was the best gift my husband gave me every other day: the chance to shower without interruption!
– read to the toddler, or talk to her, while you nurse. Then you’re giving attention without actually expending much energy.
– as soon as possible, get them napping at the same time! This was a major goal and sanity-saver for me.
– remember that things will be VASTLY different in three, six, twelve months. Mine are two and four now and easy-peasy compared to the newborn stage, which is so so so tough. Give yourself SO MUCH grace. You might feel like you’re failing every day in the beginning (you are not) but with time and sleep, you will totally master this and things will settle again!
– lastly: just WAIT until you see how much they love each other. My older ignored her brother mostly for about nine months, and then like magic, they were BFFs. And still are. Even if Big Sister doesn’t take to the baby right away, she will eventually! (Also, I sold it HARD to my firstborn that this was HER baby! Her baby!!! Which she ate up.)
Best wishes!!!
Annalisa says
There are so many good tips here. The biggest pitfalls for me during the first months with a new baby are eating too infrequently and going to sleep too late at night. Everything becomes hard if those two basic needs are neglected. For us, so far, it’s always been true that the challenges involved in having a new baby come from the siblings. And praying in the night watches, with monks and nuns, for those in trouble! What a life giving idea! It totally transforms my underlying feeling about being awakened again.
Bley says
Meijer grocery stores have Curbside Pick up in many areas:) Do your shopping online, and drive-thru to pick up, you don’t even have to leave the car. It is only an additional $5 charge!
tornado-lou says
wear a baby in a sling or carrier and you can manage almost anything. 🙂
Leila says
Thanks for all the suggestions and comments! So helpful. Grocery pickup, going to bed early, praying and offering up in the wee hours (remember how I suggested that you not have your phone in the room with you? http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org/2014/03/a-suggestion-for-lent/)…
You are all so awesome!
MWAH!
Ellen says
I am soon to have our sixth, but I totally remember the worry of the second – how will I cope? How will the first child cope? But you WILL and, with time you will totally have this whole thing down. You work out little things that just make it easier! One of my best tips with regard to groceries is, if you have to go to the actual shop, to leave the kids in the car (strapped in of course) while you unload them at home (it only takes a few minutes and you are back and forth so often). I just find that that particular task is so much easier knowing that the kids are safe, they’re constrained and they can’t run out the front door and down the street or trip me up or whatever while I complete that boring and physical job. Come in and feed them something immediately! I would also add, with regard to their relationship, the baby will be none the wiser because said toddler will have always been there, but for the toddler to make sure they feel like the baby isn’t replacing them in any way I’ve always made a point of telling them how much the baby loves them, how the new little one is ‘their special baby’ and getting them to help gently and carefully where they can. Letting the toddler hold (with help) and kiss the baby as much as they want also helps. I second the notion that you must SHOW them how to be gentle, don’t tell them NOT to be rough, it just doesn’t mean much. Much praise for their help, love and positive behaviour always helps too. Good luck – you will be awesome!
Mandy says
Hello, everyone! This is Mandy, the one who wrote in to Auntie Leila. No baby yet, but we’re in countdown mode, eagerly awaiting this brand-new little love’s appearance. I owe everyone here a huge thanks for all your tips, congratulations and encouragement.
We’re as set as we can be, practically speaking. The freezer is stocked, the diapers are washed and folded, and the meals-cleaning-laundry routine is ticking along as usual. I’ve even managed quite a few extra and probably totally insane chores thanks to the nesting urge.
As for all your wise words on how to handle or think about various situations/emotions/aspects of growing as a Mama and a family — wow! What riches we all have in this post and its comments! It’s wonderful to know, when I’m wailing right along with the babies, that I’ll have this place to come back to and build up my internal reserves. You gals are a treasure trove.
Thanks again so very much. God bless you all!
Mrs. Pickles says
There is so much great practical advice here! So much that I wish I’d known sooner. The one thing I wasn’t prepared for when my second was born, was how I would feel towards each of my children. I fell in love with the new baby at the hospital, then when I came home to the ginormous toddler I felt agitated in her presence; I kept experiencing her very age-appropriate enthusiasm as a disturbance to my peace. And then I began to feel resentment toward the baby for butting in and ruining the beautiful, close relationship I had with my first. It was all very mixed up, and I felt horrible about it! A friend of mine expressed similar feelings after the birth of her second, so I’m guessing these are common emotions. After a little time (and a little more sleep!) we all settled into our new places, and I came to appreciate fully seeing my two little girls together.