Dear Justyna writes (in part):
I was and I still am stay at home mom. But — I always wonder – how people deal with fear – what if something happens to my husband – our only bread winner? I don't have qualifications to go right back to work and support myself and my kids.
All the best, Justyna
I get a bunch of mail with this main theme: What if something happens?
Very often, it's the husband who has trouble with the burden of being the one income-earner — it feels too risky.
Of course, this fear, beaten into us as society pushes for women to work outside the home, begs the question of what if something happens to both of you, and perhaps that highlights the indispensable role of trust and the need to accept uncertainty, since we really don't know what the future holds.
We should also think about how even more precarious things would be at home if our lifestyle was based on two incomes, plus all the outside help needed to sustain two working parents, and one parent dies. Living simply does help when disaster strikes.
Nevertheless, as the old joke goes, “Swim, Johnny, swim!”* — That is, in addition to reminding you to trust and accept uncertainty, I am also going to fix this worry. It's simple.
We live in a modern age where thankfully, you can buy life insurance, the purpose of which is to alleviate this fear as far as possible. God put us in a certain time, in a certain place. In the past, some people did suffer financial doom when the income-earner died or was incapacitated. Communities worked to help — the Chief's great-great-(great?) grandfather was the forerunner to today's Knights of Columbus insurance provision, implementing a fund to help widows bury their husbands. Such were the works of mercy at the time (and still are very necessary).
Your husband needs life insurance. Dave Ramsey recommends seven to ten times the amount of his income. Often, his work covers this need. If not, get it on your own. Make room in your budget for this item.
Here is an article that outlines the kinds of insurance. Here is a discussion of whether to insure the stay-at-home wife. (Yes, you should.)
I find it interesting, as I read that second link, that when actually imagining what a full-time worker would do to manage a home with children in it without his wife, financial planners get serious about the difficulty and stress he would face. This shows you just how vital being the manager of the home really is. It's actually impossible to put a dollar value on it, yet when we try, we find out that it would be high.
The enterprise of making a family takes a lot of skill and time! Because we women by nature tend to do our work without boasting and beating our chests, we end up accepting the man's view that what men do is worth more and that what we do is worthless and can be done by anyone.
It all depends on your viewpoint. When we speak in terms of the woman contributing, we think income. But as this discussion of life insurance shows, as soon as we think about the cost of not having the wife there, running things, saving money, and providing breathing room (one analyst in that discussion talks about the husband having time to be with his kids after his wife dies, versus having to use his free time to figure out food, clothing, cleaning, sick care, and so on) — suddenly we see the value of this manager.
I go into this hidden but actually indispensable role in this other Ask Auntie Leila post. Perhaps you are convinced, but still worried. Thus I recommend: Get life insurance!
___________________
*Have you heard that joke? The little boy's rowboat is sinking out on the lake. His mother, standing on the shore, wrings her hands and calls out, “Pray, Johnny, pray!”
His Dad, also on the shore, also worried, shouts, “Swim, Johnny, swim!”
Woman of the House says
Excellent advice. We bought life insurance for me for this very reason, plus to pay private school tuition. (We homeschooled but did not want to have to default to public school because there was no money.) Our kids are grown now, but it gave us great peace of mind to know that at least money would not be an issue if one of us died.
Your amaryllis is lovely, btw!
Kari says
Yes, please get life insurance!! We have a very significant amount on my husband, as I am disabled and unable to work. If something happened to him, we would be living off of his life insurance policy and my disability payments for the rest of my life. Also – we are incredibly blessed that the policy we took out on me was done before I fell ill. We now would not be able to get another policy for me ( or increase the current amount) due to my diagnosis. So it really is a good idea to get the policies early, as health issues can take away your chance down the road 🙂
Laura says
Term insurance can be very inexpensive. I just requested a quote yesterday for myself and my husband for term life insurance. For both of us, with substantial coverage, it’s only about $35 per month. You can shorten the term to reduce the premium if your budget is tight. We’re almost through with Dave Ramsey’s fpu and I highly recommend it. Also, it’s good to take out a small policy on each of your children to cover the cost of burial. Horrible things to think about, but so worth it in a time of tragedy.
Jennie Cooper says
Getting a term life insurance police – for ME – was one of the best peace-of-mind things I’ve ever done. It only costs us $20 a month for $500,000 for twenty years of coverage, and I don’t have to worry about what happens to my little children if I should die before they’re grown. We’ve always had insurance on my beloved, but he just didn’t think it was important for me, since I didn’t earn any money. I got the policy one year while he was deployed – and I was all alone and caring for six young children. 😉
Jamie says
Very interesting. I so rarely hear actual people talk about such things. We just did this recently and yes it is very peaceful having made this decision. We were approaching mid 30s before we had the *money* to do this. Do I think we should have made room sooner? Probably yes. I would make so little money (social service job prior to kids) if I had to go back to work, it would have been a horrible struggle had anything happened to my husband. Let alone considering do the homeschooled all their lives kids, now have to jump into public school…? Yes, my relatives would have helped me and would even help me with education I’m sure, but how much better to have options if something should happen. We did insure both of us.
Elizabethanne says
We got life insurance a few years back, and I totally agree with the post and comments. I wasn’t sure we should get it for me until my husband explained that if I wasn’t here, he’d send our kids to school (we home school) and that he’d need childcare help and that would cost money, etc. It was all in a positive context, not like he thinks of me just add a money saver, but he truly doesn’t know how to meal plan and budget, etc so extra income would help. Knowing that it’s there if we need it is one of those little weights lifted.
Lisa says
Thank you SO much for writing this! My husband is a K of C field agent and, to be honest, before he started working in life insurance I had no clue of its importance. I struggle when I see funding sites being set up for young families who lose a spouse/ parent and hear the funds are needed for funeral/ medical/ immediate living expenses. While it’s heartening that communities are so generous and rally around those in need it’s also frustrating knowing that’s what life insurance is for- things like this are so rarely talked about!
Anne says
The Knights of Columbus have excellent and affordable policies. My husband just became a knight (partially for the life insurance opportunity). Highly recommend them!
Marie S. says
I also highly recommend the Knights of Columbus for their insurance (not to mention their other efforts!). We purchased policies (term and permanent) for both my husband and I shortly after we were married, and we buy one for each child within their first six months (because then they are age “zero” – they round up after 6 mo – and it will never get cheaper). All the policies allow some sort of additional coverage to be purchased at some point in the future, and Knights policies also have some great riders (I think that’s the term) available, where if one spouse dies, you no longer have to pay the premiums on the other, etc. There are all sorts of options for payment – regular monthly premiums for the life of the policy (or your life), permanent policies you pay off in 20 years (10 may be an option, too), or even prepaying (which might be a possibility on an infant’s modestly sized policy). All this from a company that is all about supporting their members & families, the Church, and only the kinds of charities and organizations you’d want to support, PLUS, they are highly rated in the financial/insurance world.
Dixie says
I also want to say something in favor of the K of C insurance: if the mother is insured, they will cover at least some of the funeral costs for a miscarried or stillborn baby. I do not know of any other companies that will do this (althouh I’m sure there may be some). Several of my friends have recently lost babies, and I know that this would be a tremendous blessing in such a terrible time.
Kelsey says
Oooh, this is interesting. We do have life insurance policies for my husband and I. (A hefty one for him!). I had never thought of taking out any type of coverage for children, I didn’t know you could do this. I will have to talk this over with my husband! K of C sounds like really amazing life insurance. Another thing that has given us peace of mind, should something happen to the both of us, is getting our will done. Such a weight off our chests to know who would raise our children, that they would be financially taken care of, and able to attend Catholic school instead of public school. It feels so good to be prepared!
Mrs. B. says
When we talk about these things my husband jokes that, if something has to happen, better happen to him, because he wouldn’t know the first thing about my share of family responsibilities and would make a mess of everything – yes, a dark joke, but it shows Leila’s point that once you stop and think, it’s very clear how both husband and wife shoulder a lot, and it’s not all about the money.
His job offers life insurance, so we always did that. But recently we saw a financial planner because we wanted to know the best way to help our kids in the future, and it was very interesting how the planner immediately suggested a bigger insurance for him, and a second one for me, simply as a starting point. As Kelsey has said, we’re also supposed to take care of wills and any health care directives (our diocese has good suggestions on these things).
I have never worked since we got married, and we decided quite early on that we would homeschool, so there’s my job. Yes, there are sacrifices, but it’s not like a two-income family doesn’t have to sacrifice (or to worry). I think it anchors a family to know that the mother is at home. I think Leila would even say it anchors society. It may require a big leap of faith to live on one income, but it doesn’t have to be considered an irrational or irresponsible decision. I wouldn’t give up this life for anything.
Polly says
Absolutely YES. I insisted on taking out a life insurance policy on myself when I stopped working and started having children. Some might think I’m “over-insured” for a non-wage earner, but I’m not! I calculated the cost of private school, in-home childcare, and various other necessary considerations. My policy runs for 20 years, and by the end of that time, our children will be basically grown, and my husband’s income can more than cover the college educational expenses.
My husband is, I think, slightly under-insured by most standards. But we have no mortgage (we own our home outright), no consumer debt, and own our cars outright. If that were not the case, we’d purchase more; as it stands, I could definitely live on the insurance policy proceeds because of our debt situation. The peace of mind this brings is so great–I cannot imagine not having these insurance policies!
As a child who was a beneficiary of a life insurance policy, I think they are just invaluable. No one expected my mother to die suddenly of a pulmonary embolus when she was 52 years old and in relatively good health. I was 23 and my sister was 18. My sister had just turned 18 and was thus no longer eligible to receive Social Security benefits, although she certainly needed financial support. The life insurance filled a huge gap for us.
Kelsey says
What sound and practical advice. My husband and I are both insured through K of C, and I also recommend them heartily. We are currently discussing adding disability insurance, at least for my husband.
I also want to thank you for starting this conversation with the fact that no one knows what is in store for their future. Yes, it is good and prudent to insure yourself and your spouse, to save money, to think ahead. But worrying doesn’t help anyone. We have to let go of the illusion that we are in control of how our lives play out. I was first struck by this when you wrote your post on the Third Secret, and it’s been reinforced over the past several years as I’ve watched many close friends and family deal with significant situations – some blessings, others very sorrowful – that no one could have predicted. Our life is fragile, but strangely, once you accept that it is fragile, and that God alone is your sustainer, the oppressive strength of all the “what ifs?” diminishes greatly.
LKC says
On this topic, I would LOVE to hear how other large families decided on guardians for their children, should they both die. We have five kids nine and under and with the addition of the fifth child, I really don’t think the (married) sibling (and only possible sibling on either side) we currently have selected is the best fit. They live far away with a very different lifestyle than what can be maintained with five children. Grandparents would be willing, but over 80 by the time the youngest graduates from high school. I feel like I would trust some of our close friends the most when it came to raising our children the way we hope to, but they have large families themselves already. We have life insurance for both of us, so I don’t worry about that, but I do worry about this issue often. I’m afraid for the two of us to go on a trip this summer without figuring something out. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Laura says
You can always change the guardians in the future. Also,if grandma and grandpa are not in a place to take the children, they don’t have to, another guardian can be appointed. You can also list an alternate guardian if grandparents are unable to take the children.
Leila says
LKC, the answer to this question depends not only on the variables of family members who are able and willing, etc, but also on the passage of time. So yes, as Laura says, you are going to need to update even if you figure it out for now.
So just go ahead now and put in your will who you want to take care of your children — say, in the next five years. You can then name your parents if you want to.
Some people have close friends (godparents of one of the children) whom they trust and have discussed it with, and sometimes this is a mutual “burden.” Yes, it would be a lot for this family to take in my 5 kids, but I have agreed to take in her 7, so we’re good 🙂
We have to think of our children’s spiritual welfare above all. Since our good friends are doing this as well, we can rely on each other.
Even later, you can rely on your grown children (who have families of their own by this time) to take in your youngest children.
But of course, circumstances are different for everyone. Just do your best!
Annie says
Thanks for writing this. It showed up on my facebook feed an hour before our meeting about life insurance. It was very helpful for preparing for that meeting.
Lynn Wright says
How do you know exactly what we’re thinking?! We just got quotes to compare policies on this and your comments were so helpful. Thanks!
Julie says
So simple but so important. We are planning to do this asap and it was good to be reminded!
Elizabeth says
Also on a practical note re: qualifications: most licenses have to be maintained by working and participating in continuing education.
If you had a qualification (such as a nursing degree) prior to marriage, it is maybe worthwhile to work part-time to maintain it if you plan to go back to work after your children are grown and don’t want to have to retrain. However if your qualifications weren’t worth maintaining during marriage, or you otherwise decided to let them expire, a life event such as a spouse’s death would necessitate retraining if you were to re-enter the workforce anyway.
All that to say, it doesn’t necessarily make sense to train in anticipation of potential hardship unless you have a clear goal in mind because you would end up needing to maintain the qualifications, which would itself create hardship that might not be outweighed by benefit in your family’s current circumstances.
Leila M. Lawler says
Elizabeth, excellent point.