Ask Auntie Leila!
We'll start with a reader's question and then I will tell you the secret that will set you on your way to success in homemaking.
Dear Auntie Leila:
I'm a new reader to your blog and LOVE it. Pardon me if you've addressed something like this before and I haven't gotten to it. I feel like I could keep your “Ask Auntie Leila” section in business for a long time to come, but since I'm currently trying to sit down and figure out what to feed my family, I'll start there.
I loved your posts on “Dinner Every Day” but I can't really get past the step of making a huge list of potential meals. My husband and kids aren't much help. My kids, five years old and under, can't tell me what they want to eat because their likes and dislikes seem to change from day to day! My husband says, “Make what you want!” I feel paralyzed when I sit down to think about it. I don't like being in the kitchen anyway, so the thought of all the time I'll be spending making this stuff AND THEN CLEANING IT ALL UP is depressing, to say the least.
Then the dilemma of what to make? Should I stick with fun and delicious, but decidedly not-healthy things? Grandma's Jello fluff salad? Chicken/cream cheese pockets made with Pillsbury crescent roll dough? Nigella's pasta? Or then there's that diet plan I'd theoretically like to follow, to lose the last little bit of baby weight (or since I'm newly pregnant, to keep from gaining my usual 60 lbs).
Then there comes the question of will my kids even eat what I fix? If I make something they like one day, they'll turn up their noses the next day, or one child will love it and the rest won't touch it, which definitely adds some unpleasantness to our mealtimes. Or then there's the health angle to consider — am I struggling with anxiety, depression, and exhaustion because I'm gluten/dairy/soy/sugar/food-intolerant and don't know it? (Or is it just because I'm a constantly nursing or pregnant mom [sometimes both] and life is hard!) I used to eat anything, all the time, and it didn't make me anxious. In fact, it was rather enjoyable. Should I be drinking kombucha and kefir and making my own homemade bone broth and fermented sauerkraut? Would that magically make me a new person?
And then don't even get me started on the budget side of groceries. Yes, we are very poor and the less we spend on food, the better — but since sticking to a tight budget seems so impossible, we don't even try! My husband says, “Spend what you need to!” and I take him up on it because why stress myself! Even though it still stresses me because I know we're spending too much! Auuuggggh!!
Help!
Love,
Frazzled
Dear Frazzled — and all of you out there who KNOW you should be making menus, however simple (also known as planning what you will eat for at least a week so that you are not spending all day staring at a package of ground beef and wanting to run away to a circus or convent or anywhere where they will just plunk a plate in front of YOU) –
Dear Reader who needs help overcoming this obstacle to the first step of a life of peace and order, this step which is making the damn menus!
The secret that the French and the Finns and all the other cultures with which we are daily browbeaten, who are so superior to us and never feel overwhelmed by the necessity of feeding their families:
First and foremost, the secret:
Every person in the house must be polite and respectful and grateful for whatever food they are served.
If they don't like it, that's okay. Lots of people don't like lots of things. They can even let you know what their preferences are. But it must all be done kindly and with courtesy.
Talk to your husband about training the children to speak respectfully to you about the food. It will require both of you, but you can do it. It won't happen on its own. Training must occur and you must do the training. It will take time and not happen overnight.
But one day you will realize that it's a pleasure and not the burdensome task you imagine to plan your menus (relatively speaking) because it's a pleasure to sit down and eat with your family.
How to bring this impossible state of affairs about? Auntie Leila will take you through the steps.
1. Talk to them beforehand about what they are and are not allowed to say. Begin by saying, “We don't say that about the food.” Work up to making it clear that if ONE WORD that is not polite comes out of their mouth — “Oh gross.” “Yuck!” “I hate this!” “I'm not eating this!” etc. — they will leave the room. You will know when enough is enough.
I would not threaten loss of dessert. We are trying to cultivate true enjoyment here (see #4). Simultaneously, give them the exact script that you want to hear from them. “This looks delicious.” “Thank you, Mama.” “I like the [mention something they do like here]” “You are a good cook, Mama.” “Don't worry about the burned green beans, Mama, it's okay.” (This last one often has to be said to me, for some reason.)
An option: SILENCE.
2. Surround your meals with ritual. Whether, as sometimes happens, you feed the children first or they are sitting with you at supper, and no matter how simple the meal, have the table set beforehand (note I do not say YOU set it beforehand — distribute tasks as necessary and possible). Light a candle.
Teach them not to eat until Mama has sat down. Daddy has to do this. He must wait for his beloved wife to collect herself. Of course, he has pitched in with the prep and then sat down himself to model patient waiting. When Mama sits, he leads grace.
For a ritual to occur, you must be prepared. It's up to you to realize that every single day you actually will need a drink, glasses, napkins, silverware, serving utensils, salt, pepper — a whole host of things! Instead of getting those items after everyone is seated as if visited by a daily revelation regarding these matters, think it through beforehand. Keep the things close to or on the table, possibly on a tray. Minimize fuss at the table by supplying what is necessary with forethought. Try not to be continually surprised by the things you need.
Even the other meals need a bit of ritual, appropriate to their lesser status, but still.
It's not a feeding trough of beans, garnished with a couple of dead dogs, as Basil Fawlty says. It's a meal.
If you take care of the details beforehand, you will notice that when you sit down and pray, there is peace. The agitation comes from jumping up, not being ready, and general disorder.
3. Every member of the family should bend over backwards to be sure that every other member is well supplied with what they need and also what they prefer. I have a friend who says that her father would take the sweet part of the watermelon on the grounds that he was the father. Well, this is not my experience of fatherhood, based on how my husband acts. He holds back and makes sure that I have what I like. If left to himself he takes the least appealing portions. He notices what the quantity of food is and how it will be distributed. I usually have to urge him to take the last bite — actually, I have to watch like a hawk lest all my family members leave at least what amounts to one small serving, no matter what the quantity of food has been, such is their consideration.
A priest friend, a monk from a large family, mentioned the principle of FHB — “Family Hold Back.” This means that when there are guests, the family already has awareness that something might run out, and so they hold back to be sure that the guests have enough. A simple principle of hospitality. This kind of courtesy comes with practice! Practice with each other.
Young children can be taught to jump up and get the butter or the marmalade. Rowdy boys can be encouraged to pick up someone's dropped napkin. Older kids who aren't absolutely riveted by the adults' discussion of the latest world crisis can take the baby for a turn.
Here is my dear friend Emily's solution to one of the tasks. This honestly never occurred to me, and likely won't be possible when the family is larger and there are often extra people at the table, but I think it's delightful. Later, another one can be added and they can be kept on a sideboard nearby.
4. Let's enjoy the food, however humble it is. The issue with grumpy children — and I have written about this before — I know it isn't the only issue, but it is a big one — is that we parents (and mothers in particular) are not feeling free to enjoy our meal and be confident that we did our best, however humble. We are hovering over our children with great anxiety that they a) eat enough to ward off expiration and b) affirm and approve of us. We somehow feel that our worth as parents hinges on how they behave at the table, and yet we do not supply them with the proper behavior or even attitude. Thus, grumpiness occurs.
If someone truly does not like something, they can, if asked, answer, “It's not my favorite.” That is the extent of the negativity! For instance, if offered more liver and onions (after their one bite which they must eat unless you know it's a real aversion), the child may observe, “No, thank you, I'm full.” If pressed, he might say, “It's not my favorite.” They can certainly have more of whatever else is offered. However, and see #3, they can't hog the real delicacies, because that is rude.
5. When finished (and for a small child, this might be in 10 minutes), the cook should be thanked. “Thank you, Mama, for this nice meal.” When your husband thanks you, thank HIM for being a good provider. (Remember Ma and Pa? So gracious to each other, while eating corn pone and salt pork or some such starvation meal.)
At least implicitly, we should be thanking God all over again, and there are those who say a little grace after the meal as well. It can be as simple as “Thank you, dear Lord.” I remember my own father, who was not Christian, saying this prayer after the meal. You can go on sitting there and enjoying the food and conversation with whoever is left, that's fine. See this post for how children leave the table and what is expected of them.
Wait, that's one secret?
Yes. Having a culture of kindness and good manners. I'm just telling you HOW to get that culture.
Once you institute this culture or feed it if you already possess it, you will find that you feel much more free to plan your meals.
You won't worry as much about who will or will not like what you decide on. Since with my method you are consulting your family (or observing them if they really aren't forthcoming) and taking their preferences into account, your fairness with them meets with good will from them.
Only, you have to teach them that good will. I'm giving you a sketch — feel free to do it according to your own family style!
But warning: Do not fall into the trap of thinking that the family style is to have no manners. No way.
Once you plan your meals, you have an amazing amount of time and a lot of confidence quickly to take care of the other tasks that face you, including addressing the issue of getting kids to help.
And then your environment — which is the key to educating your children — is orderly and thus, open to wonder!
See?
Manners (kindness and courtesy) are the secret.
Yes, dear Frazzled, I think you will benefit if you read the menu posts one by one and try to internalize what I'm saying. You will really get things in order if you try to make some lists. You can probably make all the things you are dreaming of… one at a time. Let's be patient with ourselves and you know what? It's okay to ask the family to be patient with us too. Kindness and courtesy.
As to the children, read the post about picky eaters — lots more detail there. Keep what you feed them simple, making sure that you serve it up without looking for affirmation, but with a good amount of ritual and also help from them. I've written all about it.
One thing at a time. Worrying about it all at once is a good way not to succeed. Read my post about “competence vs. perfection” and think about how to establish a good rhythm in your day so that you know what to expect.
Most of all, let's enjoy each other, the good food, and life.
Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith. ~ Proverbs 15:17
Marianne says
Leila, You have no idea what I am dealing with, but I’m sure it is all my fault for not fixing this sooner. I do feel that proper family dinners are one of my main missions as a mother. I cook every night. I set the table, usually with flowers and/or candles, I lovingly have ice or no ice in each one’s glass, ect…I am met with hatred and fury from my scrawny, picky eaters. They feed off of each other’s complaints and I have a couple high strung, hysterical young teenagers that yell at me that I am crazy for thinking anyone would eat such grossness. (those two are ALWAYS in trouble, it is not condoned, yet it doesn’t change their behavior) Seven of the eight are the skinniest things you ever saw, you would never know that I feed them at all. From the teenage girl who aspires to be vegetarian, to the teenage boys who only will eat meat and nothing else, to the texture averse toddler and preschooler, half the kids don’t like tomatoes, half the kids don’t like cheese, half the kids don’t like pasta, half the kids aren’t hungry because they stole extra snacks during the afternoon while I am out driving kids around or helping with homework. It is bedlam!
To be fair there are a few that are less picky than others and usually, a couple of them will eat most of the dinner, but that still leaves a lot of uneaten food. I have simplified our meals to include a main dish and salad, or a main dish and one fruit or veggie, since otherwise, we have far too much waste. If I have bread and butter, most of them will actually just lick off the butter!! It is utterly ridiculous, and it is not for lack of scolding.
We have tried tough love, we have regularly sent them from the table and they are happy to bounce off. My husband and I have resorted to circling the table with a plastic spoon and smacking the behind of anyone with a negative word, but that deteriorates rapidly as you can imagine. Quality parenting!!! We are now in the phase of riding out the storm, admonishing the complainers, scolding the whiners, and battling through to the end of the meal, when I dump all the wasted food that I bought and prepared.
Do you hear my discouragement?! It is the biggest frustration of my mothering life. If it weren’t for all the encouragement from peaceful, homemaking blogs like yours, I really don’t think I could persevere. Y’all give me hope that something is going to work eventually! I am at the point where I feel that my meal time rituals are for the Lord, not the kids. I know that this is worth it somehow, someway.
priest's wife @byzcathwife says
here are some thoughts- have every child tested for TRUE allergies…. after that- have the family start working in a soup kitchen, working on chores to earn money to donate to the local food bank and also start sponsoring some children from poorer places- have those children’s photos at the dinner table.
Have the teens plan and cook the meal once a week (with the younger ones cleaning up afterwards)- I suspect they have little idea how difficult meals have been for you….
priest's wife @byzcathwife says
FHB is so important!….also- this skill can help in public- I once was at a wedding reception with a buffet lunch. Some disaster must have happened with the caterer because there was FAR too little food for the crowd. I was in the middle of the buffet line, and those people in front of me were piling their plates like there would be plenty for all. nope. I took a few tortilla chips and two celery sticks, hoping to inspire others to take less. nope. a few people after me didn’t get anything (it helps to be raised with siblings- we were 5 kids and one never ate the last anything without asking around for the green light)
Mckenna says
I hesitate to offer advice, as I’m in a different season of my life with younger children. But, I just wanted to offer support. My goodness! It sounds like there is mutiny in your ranks and that must be discouraging. I’m not sure which post it was, but Aunt Leila has written about making dinner time special for you and your husband first. I’d start there. Cook a smaller amount of something you and he like to eat and sit down and enjoy your meal. If the surly teens and whining littles want to eat, they’ll eat. If not…there’s always breakfast 😉
Dixie says
Oh my, so hard! Are they allowed to get food on their own? Just one idea: for the older ones (maybe tackle the little ones later, since you still need to make sure they’re eating enough), how about a NO FOOD between meals (you can include a snack, if you want) rule? Do they ever really feel hungry? It sounds like the sort of thing where cookies are scarfed later, maybe even unbeknownst to you. I don’t know, but I feel for you!
Tia says
I know this sounds harsh but I personally would just start making enough food for some smaller subset of your kids, and make it clear that if the older ones want to eat they can let you know in advance. IF not, they can leave the table, but you will NOT make any food for them or shop for their particular pet meals and they will not be allowed to sit at the table with the youngsters unless they are modeling good behavior. Teenagers are perfectly capable of making their own food; as long as they’re not using the kitchen at the same time as you, they can do their own thing. They’ll either happily cook their own food (less work for you and they will learn a new skill) or they’ll realize the effort you put in and at least attempt to be polite at the dinner table. They won’t starve, I promise. Signed, A formerly picky eater who was rail thin growing up and who was only cured somewhat of the persnickety, rude ungrateful habits after being forced to fend for herself on the food front.
Breanna says
I don’t know if it will help or not, but have you read any books by Ellyn Satter? (Here is her website: http://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/) I don’t know that what she teaches is of use to everybody, but it sounds like in your house it’s degenerated into a power struggle and you might need a total strategy change. Maybe adopting her “Division of Responsibility in Feeding” approach might help? It would at least free you from trying to force everyone to eat enough or eat the right things. So what if they want to just lick the butter off? If there is nothing but beans and flour to sneak out of the pantry and mom has made one dinner, and doesn’t react when they grossly go licking the butter, after a few nights butter-licking might lose its allure and they might get hungry enough to eat the bread. (And TBH I can remember being about five years old and eating chunks of butter like it was cheese. I must have been in a growth spurt and it just tasted good. I grew up without a weight problem and now I eat lots and lots of things, happily. 😉 )
TLDR version of the division of responsibility: Your responsibility is to choose *what* food and *when*, and to put the food on the table. Their responsibility is to decide *whether* they will eat and *how much*. If they want to be hungry, they are allowed. They will, eventually, if you don’t cross into their territory, figure out how to eat successfully. They may, however, always be skinny. (I am assuming there is no anorexia nervosa or anything like that happening with the teens? If there is you need help from a trained professional ASAP.)
Just my opinion: why are you the one filling glasses etc? Let them do some of the work for themselves–dish up their own dang food buffet-style in the kitchen and carry plates to the table, fill their own dang glasses, and certainly bus their own dishes when they are done eating. Then they can decide whether they want ice on that particular evening and you won’t feel so dumped on after wearing yourself out for them. Of course, it goes without saying that “hate and fury” are absolutely the wrong way for anyone to talk to their mother, but if you aren’t forcing anybody to eat or egregiously putting ice in the non-ice-person’s glass, there’s logically less to rage against. Good luck. I will pray that you will figure it out….soon!
Breanna says
^^That sounded like I thought it was okay at them to rage at you about the ice. I didn’t, but I can’t figure out how to edit my post. It’s never okay to rage at your mom who just made you dinner!….all I’m suggesting is to outwit them, really. You’re doing really well, and I know you will figure it out!
Lisa says
I love all her books. I followed her advice and all three of my kids will eat anything. Food is not worth getting into a power struggle over. Your children will not starve. This is dinner. Meat, carb, fruit and/or veggie. Take it or leave it. The next meal will be served in 12 hours. You may not help yourself. The end.
Teresa says
My family of 13 has spent the last year transitioning off of the GAPS diet. We were on it for 3.5 years. Your children sound like they have gut issues. I would guess food allergies, leaky gut, disbiosis, are the culprit. My children are not picky anymore. We spend years eating meat and veggies. I wanted this mom to know she’s not a bad mom. You are fighting an uphill battle. Your kids have bugs in their gut that scream for processed food. The GAPS/Paleo/Primal diets are very difficult initially, but good whole foods will transform your family both physically and emotionally.
Laura Jeanne says
This is a lovely and sensible post. It makes me want to cry though, because you kept mentioning how important it is to involve your husband in training the children. My husband is very picky and critical of my meals, and usually doesn’t even eat the vegetable portion. The children have absorbed that attitude and now I have a very picky, whiny bunch at suppertime. Vegetables especially they avoid like the plague. Because of this meal planning is so stressful for me, because other than hamburgers and pepperoni pizza, there isn’t anything that everyone will eat without complaint. Do you think it might be possible for me to instill a culture of kindness and good manners when my husband displays the opposite?
Laura says
Have you attempted to respectfully sit down and tell your husband how it makes you feel when he does this? And how you have seen it rub off on the children? If he takes offense, throw the ball into his territory and illustrate it with something he does for you–pick it apart (hypothetically) and show how it makes you feel just as hurt.
Laura Jeanne says
Thank you for your kind advice Laura. Yes, I have tried that. It doesn’t make a difference. My husband is a very critical and unkind person in general. I shouldn’t have posted a comment, as I’m sure my situation is far beyond anything anyone can help me with here.
Mrs. B. says
Laura Jeanne, I think my father was a lot like your husband… I do recognize the general unkindness and hyper-critical temperament… Though he came to appreciate my mother’s cooking, we were told ridiculous stories about food from their first years of marriage. The stories were told laughing, years later, but it must have been awful for my mother at the time. Keep modeling kindness for your children, however hard and frustrating it might seem for now: they won’t necessarily hold the same attitude for ever, and they’ll be grateful to learn from you as well at some point – they are learning from you even now, even if they don’t know it, just because you’re there with them… both parents always have an influence. I certainly inherited part of my father’s difficult temperament, and I know I’m grateful to have had my mother’s gentler ways as an example. Keep up the good work!
Becky says
Ugh! That *would* make things really difficult. I suppose you could focus on meals that he’s not present for or even shift to having a children’s supper and then an adult dinner where you at least have the separated out. But, perhaps indicative of a larger issue? Do you have a pastor, priest, or trained someone that might help you work through it together?
Laura Jeanne says
Thank you, Becky. I think training the kids at lunch time might be a good idea. And yes, we’ve gone to counseling for these issues, but it didn’t help, things only got worse. Actually, my husband is an entitled, abusive man. He believes it’s my job to cook meals he likes and I don’t deserve thanks or praise. He usually picks at his food and then gets up and leaves to go watch tv without saying a word to me. I shouldn’t have posted anything here, sorry to Leila for getting off topic. I guess my feelings are kind of spilling over right now.
Tia says
This sounds so hard, I’m sorry to hear that, Laura Jeanne. The only way I’ve ever been able to deal with a difficult person is to avoid them or if not possible, just to focus on who I want to be. Then when the person is being jerky, I (try) just acknowledge it but then tell myself I want to be a kind/gracious/forgiving person and try to focus on what I can control: my own behavior It really is so much tougher though if the person you’re dealing with is your husband. Such a hard situation and then I don’t really have any advice. You have my prayers!
Laura says
Please, get professional help for yourself and the children. Emotional abuse is abuse and in children, emotional abuse can be far more harmful than physical abuse. You have a responsibility to yourself and your children.
Ann-Marie says
I burst out laughing at FHB. In my house, my Mom would make something when we were having guests, and be sure to label it in the fridge with FLO. “Family Lay Off”. Of course, it was always something super tasty or a treat we usually didn’t get, hence the warning.
Thank you for some thought provoking ideas. I often do feel so frazzled by dinner. I don’t find it a relaxing atmosphere, more like one more hurdle before bedtime. The attitude of the children is basically good, “it’s not my favorite” is as far as we go in out house. But I realize by reading this that I need to focus more on my attitude. I need the flowers and the candles. It would probably go a long way towards helping me enjoy our meal. Thanks for the encouragement.
Pippajo says
I thought my mom made up FHB. When we had company for dinner, she would furtively whisper, “FHB,” to one of us and somehow the message would get passed through the ranks without our guests ever knowing! I think we liked the important secrecy of it.
Anyway, what you’re saying rings true! I am not able to prepare meals for my family like I used to since acquiring a chronic illness. I should still be able to plan the meals and grocery lists since that can be done from the bed or couch (where I spend at least half of my time now) but I haven’t been able to and I’ve been puzzled as to why. And now I think it’s because we don’t often get to sit at table together and I’m not able to enjoy caring for my family as mother anymore. Honestly, it’s been the worst thing about my disease. I don’t mind the medication, vertigo, numbness, my new stutter, or other symptoms so much, but not being able to cook, clean, or do laundry for my family is very hard for me to handle! Any further suggestions for moms who are permanently ill or disabled in some way?
Josie says
Praying for you, Pippajo…I wish I had something to offer. My only thoughts are that if you meal planned/made to do lists/directions/what have you from your mama’s heart and wealth of knowledge, from your resting spot, and your family then took up those plans and did the cooking, laundry, etc in return for each other and for you, as an act of gratitude and love back to you, it would be a beautiful witness of sacrificial love in your family and in the future they will be so strong having done so and you will be so spiritually strong having to lean so hard on the Lord and surrender so much that you long to do. But my heart really goes out to you. On a smaller scale, with a child, we are dealing with some chronic issues that have removed some of the beautiful things in her life, so please know you have my daily prayers. I wrote to a priest (a hermit) to ask prayers for my daughter, he knew Padre Pio as a child, his mother was one of St. Pio’s spiritual daughters and he received FHC from him. One of the things he said stays with me and maybe it will help oin some small way. He said, “…sometimes God penetrates in very hidden ways.” It’s so simple and we know it in theory, but if I think on the phrasing, it brings me peace about her suffering. God is so close.
Laura says
I was temporarily disabled and unable to walk more than a few feet. It cleared up mostly, but it still lingers. It’s very happy making asking for help. Make a list of things you can do. For example, I could sit and cho veggies or chicken if someone brought me the items and did the cooking. Have your kids or friend come over and talk them through a recipe. Make enough to freeze several meals worth. Chili, spaghetti sauce, soup, etc. If you have a friend who has offered to help, let them know this is something they can do. Prepare a grocery list in advance so they come with what you need. I would have other family members do grocery shopping. A teenager can help around the house with shopping and cooking. Many Tweens and teens need service hours. If you can afford it, hire a cleaning lady, even just every so often. For me, I viewed it as a time to learn to surrender. When the house would get messy, I’d just have my husband turn my chair the other direction. This a wonderful opportunity to show your family that their worth does not depend on the things they can get accomplished in one day. Hang in there!
Virginia says
My mother (a wonderful cook) developed back problems that made her unable to stand up for long periods of time, so my father and I picked up the slack and cooked pretty simple meals. However, she was always the one who made sure decorum was maintained. I definitely remember cooking something and preparing to put the saucepan on the table and my father saying, “You better put that in a serving bowl. You know what your mother would say.” : )
LeeAnn Balbirona says
I love it when you write about family dinner! I think you could post this same article every couple of months and it would still be welcome encouragement each time. Putting a lid on negativity is something we have made some progress on this year–both them not giving it and me not worrying so much about whether the meal is everyone’s favorite.
Leigh sabey says
Very good advice, thank you!! I found that once I embraced dinner as being pretty much in my control…deciding on menus, setting the atmosphere and tone of the meal…the task became more enjoyable and creative for me. A couple things that I’ve discovered that help: setting the table (or getting everything ready for my young kids to set it) before I begin cooking, thus avoiding the last minute, dinner’s-getting-cold but there are still legos all over the table, scramble. Also, for some meals that include a favorite element that is limited in quantity, or when I am trying to stretch leftovers into a decent, bountiful-looking meal, I will plate the food for each person, instead of serving it family style at the table. I agree that flowers, cloth napkins, candles, and the like turn the meal into more of a pleasant ritual. As long as you don’t feel rushed and frazzled and allow enough time to get dinner ready, these extras don’t become too much of a burden.
shwell says
I only read 4 lines and I had to come and comment before I read the rest
I was a Nanny in England before I moved to America to become a homeschooling Mom.
One thing I had kept from my nannying years is this
“Please may I get down, thankyou for the lovely……….breakfast/dinner/lunch” and then I added a kiss for the cook – usually me, sometimes Auntie Suzie or Grandma or whoever
my boys are now 12,10 and 7 and wow haven’t we had looks and comments of admiration over the years from all the people my kids have said that to or infront of
even the highchair bound non talking toddler can use baby signs to say “down” and “please” or “thankyou”
not only has it stopped the occasional complaining, but it also gives a much needed boost before the dishes begin
and I do mean occasional complaining. My kids have learnt that meals take effort, that they should be gracious and thankful to the cook even if it wasn’t their favorite.
they do plenty of complaining in other areas, but not at the table 😉
shwell says
I must add, that they are required to say this even if they disliked what was offered
every meal, everytime
yes, it becomes routine for awhile, but keep at it and they truly do start to mean it
Mrs. B. says
Frazzled’s email made me laugh… her sense of humor will help her somehow, I’m sure. I’d like to stress the connection between menu planning and a tight budget: it’s a lot easier to keep within the limits when we already know what to prepare and how to re-work leftovers.
Our problem is more the conversation than the food per se. I have adapted to the reality that not everyone likes everything – I tend to cook mainly what I know will be liked by all, which is luckily more than just a recipe or two, and provide options when it would be easy to do so. At least, easy for me – for instance, it doesn’t bother me to cook a simple pasta with butter and parmesan for the kids if I’m preparing something for me and my husband that I know, because of past experiences, is beyond their palate (like Chinese), or prepare a quick turkey-cheese-veggie sandwich for the one child who cannot bring himself to like Mexican food. I realize I can do this because our family is small, and that it would be unsustainable for other families. The kids are always encouraged to try the foods they think they don’t like – I remind them that we all often change our minds (when I was little I was repulsed by raisins, and now I love them!)
As for conversation, I’m sure we’re (or I am) doing something wrong…. I tend to correct a lot (why can’t my older kids, 10 and 9, remember not to sit with their feet tucked under them?? Will that slow child please pick up the pace and finish already so we can have dessert?? Will that talkative girl try to have one minute without talking?? Will they please stop playing with crumbs??) I also like to talk with my husband a lot about things the kids aren’t interested in yet, so it often happens that daddy is at the center of two or three conversations at once, or that we try unsuccessfully to keep the kids quiet so the grown-ups can talk a bit… Throw in the picture a lively toddler, and our dinners are on the colorful, noisy side… Needless to say, I still don’t have the hang of this!
Margo, Thrift at Home says
LOVE this post! Inspiration to keep everlastingly at it. My kids usually clear their plates when they’re done, but I’d really like if they’d ask to be excused AND if they would help to clear the whole table. My husband tends to want casual spontaneity in everything which doesn’t lead to good manners (drill drill drill).
Melissa D says
I forget where I read it, but one mom somewhere said she changed the rule to “no one leaves until the kitchen is clean!” — everyone clears, washes up, and sweeps and wipes down. No more mom left to do it all! Maybe I should tie any screen time to a clean kitchen after dinner instead of using it as my dinner prep time.
I say “you don’t have to like it, but you *do* have to eat it. Or don’t, but there’s nothing else.” And I’m not talking about liver and onions. Today this was to a child who was crying about having to eat peanut butter on toast with her hot chocolate for breakfast.
I really feel like my kids are just in the habit of complaint. What’s not to like about an English muffin? Or pasta that is formed into (gasp!) elbows instead of corkscrews? I’m a good cook, and I LOVE to cook. It’s so dispiriting to hear so many complaints each day. Usually if I hold fast they subside and eat. But I may start marking the complaints publicly and make them work them off.
Leila, we are reading the LHOP series and are now into Farmer Boy — those stacks of pancakes! and apple pies for breakfast! — but Ma is the real hero of all those books, as we all know. And I never read the verse you quote above without changing it to “a stalled ox in a lonely boarding house.” From Anne of the Island, I think. 🙂
Lauren says
Wonderful post! You are so intuitive with what happens in young families. I completely agree that negatively from children detracts from a meal and can make mom feel defeated. Somehow, even though my husband is from an informal family where his mom ate last and meals weren’t peaceful… he has modeled excellent manners for our children. He always tells them to thank me and won’t let them make rude comments. He takes the worst for himself (saying “I’ve always liked my eggs burnt” with total seriousness so I have to fight to get him to take the best cut of meat or the last serving). We tell the kids “you don’t have to like it, you just have to try it” (which I learned from another catholic family). And we let the kids serve themselves so they can give themselves a tiny serving of what they don’t prefer so there’s less waste. My 3 yr old son prefers meat. My 5 year old daughter prefers carbs and veges. Their plates look different but they eat from the same 4 dishes on the table and I don’t feel offended. My 1 yr old is the best eater ever. And all in all… the kindness and compliments help navigate these younger “picky” years in a way where I am not offended and still like cooking.
Erica says
About 3 years ago we’d just moved to Colorado, and since we’d never lived in cold weather with children, I was searching online and ran across your post about how to properly dress children for cold (great advice, by the way, and very useful as the Air Force just moved us to Alaska!) I did a little more poking around on your site and found even more helpful advice.
I don’t recall if it was a single post, or a series of posts, but I have to say that you’ve helped make a change in my daily routine. I’ve always meal planned, but I’d often have trouble executing it because other things got in the way. You said that your priority should be feeding the family, with laundry just behind. Once I got it in my head that these were my main daily responsibilities (and in that order) everything seemed to fall into place. I know by 10 am – also your advice! – what is for dinner each day and make sure I have meat thawing, beans soaking, etc. by that point if I haven’t done it already. I very rarely have a day where dinner plan go awry.
Laundry has always been my biggest struggle, and that was frustrating to my family. Now, I have meals under control by making that my #1, laundry became easier for me, too. It had its place in my task list, and it was near the top! If meals and laundry are taken care of, things seem less hectic. On the days I’m struggling, I remind myself the things that are important to accomplish, and if only supper is finished, I don’t feel like a failure.
As to “frazzled” who wrote in, a piece of advice I can offer for what actually is put on the menu, is to decide a theme or category for each day’s meal. When I can’t think of anything, my general menu structure is:
Monday – meatless
Tuesday – poultry
Wednesday – beef
Thursday – pork
Friday – pizza night
Saturday – grill
Sunday – soup
There is a rarely a week where I stick to this 100%, but if I’m looking for something to make, I look at the category for the day and it helps focus me. I keep a list of the recipes I have divided into those categories, and I look at it and pick one.
Tia says
Erica,
This was what I was going to add for the question bag! Manners definitely help set the tone and make the whole endeavor stay afloat, but logistics can sometimes be overwhelming too. For me, it’s been really helpful to know the general category of food you’re eating each day. So for us it’s very roughly:
Monday: pasta
Tuesday: chicken
Wednesday: taco night
Thursday: beans/lentils
Friday: eggs
Saturday/Sunday: grilling and free form.
The other rule I have is that every child gets on dish I know they like once a week, and each meal must contain at least one portion of veggies and one protein. My kids have a few common favorites, so that helps. Once they’re old enough, I plan to have them make one dinner a week and they get free reign on what they choose.
We are not so strict and sometimes I mix up the days depending on what’s on hand or what my husband is making (he cooks two meals a week). But just having the basic template helps me not fall down an Epicuious/Kitchn/Smitten Kitchen rabbit hole where I wind up planning to make 17 delicious 8-layer cakes, 8 fancy salads, 6 vegetable sides and oops! 0 protein dishes a week.
If I know the type of protein I’m making each night, it really helps anchor my meal plan for the week. The other thing that’s helped is joining a CSA. We get to choose and customize our farmer’s box, which means I’m already meal planning for the week ahead by Thursday at minimum but sometimes as far ahead as the previous Sunday, and I have a few staple veggies to anchor my meals to. For a lot of people, it’s just the sheer expanse of choices that does in meal planning.
Once I get to a more advanced level of meal planning, I’d like to come up with some sort of rule that combines comfort and consistency with variation — like, say, no one eats the same meal more than 3 times a month, but certain favorites will come up at least 2 times a month, or something like that.
Becky says
Yes! When you are at that completely sleep deprived, all “mama,” all the time season of mothering having a rotation can make all the difference.
I was also going to add that there is no shame in rotating through roughly the same 7 meals for a while. My children ate an identical lunch EVERY DAY for 2 years and were happy as clams. Children are actually pretty comfortable with routine and structure and, providing that none of the meals is one they actually despise, they will likely be fine with the same meals in heavy rotation.
I might suggest (with budget in mind):
M- Rice and Beans
T- Spaghetti and Meatballs
W- simple stir fry (using frozen veg is ok!)
Th- tacos (use beans as your protein if money is tight)
F- pizza
S- fish and chips
Sunday- soup
You can change things up with different toppings for the rice and beans as well as different types of beans, different meats for the stir fry (and I just use soy sauce as the sauce if I’m not feeling adventurous), and tacos can be made with fish sticks, beans, ground beef, pulled pork, and beef strips as well as rotating through corn, flour, hard and soft shells.
Laura says
Thank you! Both for the implicit encouragement that it might be a little easier to *think* and make basic decisions when the sleep deprived/nonstop needs phase is over–and for the simple meals template. I don’t know why I have such a dread of sameness when it comes to meals; I don’t necessarily crave a huge variety but I love to cook new things, and also feel like we won’t get a balanced diet unless I have fifty different meals in the rotation. But that’s ridiculous. I think I’m just going to adopt your menu for a while, and lightly mix it up as you suggest. Smart.
Erica says
Sit down for an hour or two and create a 28 day menu to cycle through. I put mine on my Google calendar. As inspiration to make something else hits, change a day in the menu. That gives you stability in automation of the menu, but allows for some creative freedom when you want it.
NY Mom says
At one point,years ago, after enduring too many rejected meals from my children, I finally reached that same level of exasperation that “Frazzled” has reached. I realized that my kids were using dinnertime in a kind of passive-aggressive way, holding the power whether they knew it or nor not. So I took it away from them by declaring that I was not cooking that night. They were on their own. Shock waves – What? No dinner? I held firm, and they fended with scrambled eggs or cereal, which they got on their own. I sat in the living room and calmly read a book. This lasted maybe 2 nights, and there was sincere consternation on their part. We had a looong discussion on gratitude, manners, third-world poverty, the poor kids in China eating dog meat, perhaps (same ones my parents told ME about years prior).
We tried assigning meal prep, in turns, to the kids, which worked well enough. I mentored as they worked. After a while it became more practical for me to simply make dinner each night, and order was restored.
Finally, are your children getting enough physical activity, or are they being worked instead of sitting around staring at a screen? (Moving their thumbs is not exercise.) Cutting waaaay down on snacks helps, too. Just do not buy them. Keep a jar of peanut butter around, perhaps some blocks of cheese, and let that be it.
(P.S. Leila, what’s the little bell for on your table?)
Anel says
I think the bell is to call everyone for dinner 3 stories upstairs.. hehe. We had one when I was a child. So civil.. 🙂
Marie says
I agree with all your ideas. My job #1 is Homeschooling 6 kids. Job #2 is Meal Prep. Job #3 is Laundry. Job #4 is Delegating Household Cleaning (to my kids!) Job #5 is Mommytime! and I can have as much as I want after Job 1 thru 4 is completed each day. I use a crock-pot 2 days a week. I allow PB&J sandwiches as snacks, and as meal substitutes if anyone can’t eat what is being served. Nothing else, no cereal, and no cooking extra food for fussy eaters. I taught myself how to bake: I set up a small “bake center” in my kitchen and bake a batch of cookies one day, and muffins another day, and I bake a cake once a week. I have no store-bought chips, cookies, ice cream, etc. in our house for kids (or me) to sneak. When hubby gets a hankering for a snack, we buy it and bring it home and the family eats it. Then it’s gone until next time hubby gets a hankering. Dinner is semi-formal: kids set table with cloth napkins and candles and must ask to be excused for evening sports or jobs. Dinner is THE activity of the evening, and everyone looks forward to it with lots of discussion, jokes, and “How was your day”. After dinner we have a 15-minute tidy where all kids hustle to clean up the kitchen and dining room, sweep the floor, and de-clutter the main family areas and yes, even clean the powder room. I and hubby delegate, keep things moving, and check on work. I don’t cook on Sundays, the kids make everyone eggs, or taco salad, or even malts and popcorn; anything fun and easy. I had cancer last year and endured 6 months of chemotherapy and was VERY glad I was able to maintain this easy routine. It truly saved my sanity and my house.
Katherine says
I really don’t get all the children’s rejection of food complaints. It’s an eye-opener for me – I din’t know there was all this angst out there in Catholic familyland about meals. I didn’t grow up with it in my large Catholic family and my husband didn’t in his small protestant one. We had likes and dislikes, but no one was difficult at the table. For me, my dad just had to look at us and that was enough to quell rebellion or rudeness. Or maybe, it was my mother’s stories of her family scrounging for food during WWII. Or maybe it was because we helped our parents in our family business, so we knew how difficult it was for my mother to shop, get meals on the table and work. I saw how hard my dad worked and how much he enjoyed sitting down to a peaceful meal. Even though I’m by no means a gourmet cook, I enjoy meal times in our house. It’s not elegant, but it’s hearty, filling and relatively peaceful. Now that my children are older, we have the problem of everyone lingering at the table talking, leaving the dishes until late. I’ll take that.
Katie says
The question was so comical to me because I have had so many complicated thoughts myself! Should I do this or that? The yummy or the healthy? The meatless meal to stretch the dollar or the hearty organic ground beef spaghetti? I’ve come to learn there is a lot of grace mama needs to give herself and a lot of faith that God will provide what we need when we need it. Praying for you, Frazzled. And thank you for the tips on building a family dinner culture, Auntie Leila!
Melanie says
Well said, Katie. So true!! Grace and faith.
Katherine says
I had another thought: maybe since my husband and I were not homeschooled, we weren’t around food all the time. Since my husband and I went to school (without vending machines), we knew our meals were limited to certain times. If I didn’t eat breakfast, I knew it would be a long time before lunch. And lunch was what was in my bag. There was no kitchen or pantry to raid. I was “starving” by the time I came home from school. P. E. or walking home from school made one extra hungry. Dinner was always appreciated. As Ma Ingalls said, “Hunger is the best sauce.” I read a book about parenting in France a few years ago. They don’t have food problems with children. They limit snacking and children’s food options (emphasizing healthy foods) and make meals a ritual. Since homeschooled kids are around the kitchen all day, maybe there needs to be more vigilance about the unlimited availability of food and more exercise for cranky kids.
Breanna says
Eh, I don’t know. I can find references to pickiness in books for and about children back at least two hundred years and across cultures. Pippi Longstocking, for instance, includes a passage where Tommy’s frustrated mother tells him (before he goes off to school) to “eat up your good cereal so you grow up to be big and strong” (whereupon Pippi points out that if Tommy doesn’t get big and strong, how will he force HIS children to eat up their good cereal?). There’s another passage involving barley soup in the same book.
My German in-laws gave us a copy of a delightfully horrible book from, if I had to guess, the 1920s (no print date in it) that is a series of stories of the terrifying fates that await naughty children. (A giant scissors-wielding person chops off the thumbs of a kid who sucks his thumb, for instance. It really is horrible and lives on a high shelf.) There are several stories in THAT book about the wickedness of picky eaters–and 1920s German families couldn’t have had much lavish eating.
There are umpteen fairy tales where the wicked older sibling fusses about food (and usually won’t share the good part of it) which is what makes the younger sibling favored of the fairy godmother, or whatever. The original McGuffey readers from the 1870s contain, amid stories about how you shouldn’t drown cats, several that could be titled Just Eat The D— Soup, Robert.
My own grandmother tells stories of her father coaxing them to “eat up that last bite of bread and jelly” or “surely you can eat one more pickle” (this was during the Depression, they lived and worked on a farm, and were public schooled, and she still can’t stand to eat egg whites unless there’s a proper proportion of egg yolk).
All of which to say, varying rates of pickiness about food is probably a universal human trait, expressed more or less strongly depending on the personality of the picky ones and always discouraged by social mores (which is a good thing), but ever present (like the other theme I’ve noticed in many stories across many cultures, of Please Kid Just Go To Sleep Already or Will You Just Stop Asking Questions For One Minute). We probably pay it too much attention in our day, but we don’t do that in isolation–I’ve had doctors try to trick my kids into admitting whether we ate fast food, for example (we don’t).
And anecdotally, while some homeschooled children are probably around food all the time, I was homeschooled all 12 grades and didn’t realize that some people had a regular afternoon snack until I read the Ramona books and she got to have one after school. We didn’t have the money for snack foods and never ate them. My pickiest friends, on the other hand, (teens who, for instance, would only eat chicken nuggets) were public-schooled. I think it probably depends more on food culture in the home than on where the kids are spending the day TBH.
Josie says
In the same boat as many here, I am testing out buying several weeks worth of groceries aside from milk and fruit/veggies and seeing how that goes as far as meal planning and budget. So far I like it better than weekly, but we’ll see over time. I have never had the courage to do such a large shopping trip. It has helped me get dinners together for sure. Wegmans has a great thing that maybe other stores do where you can put stuff in your cart at home online and see how much it will be before you go in and spend and it prints aisle by aisle. I thought through for hours what we use in a month and it was a job and half for sure but not entirely unenjoyable. The fear would be losing that amount of food to a power outage. And the shopping trip was awful, so I might change it up to two weeks at a time. But it does seem to help a great deal in meal planning. I laugh because my husband tells me I don’t buy enough snacks/junk so that my kids, well some of them, are cranky about food. Perhaps I try to control too much. I’m still figuring it all out myself for sure. I have kids that will eat anything I put in front of them and kids that could be Mikey on the old the Life cereal commercial:)-or was Mikey the non-picky brother, I don’t remember!
Lisa G. says
No, I think they said, “Let Mikey eat it – he doesn’t eat anything!” He was the picky one. 🙂
Lisa G. says
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ow5cHJx43i0
He won’t eat it – he hates everything.
This is such a fascinating conversation, and with everyone pitching in to be helpful to everyone else – wonderful.
Carly says
You had me at Basil Fawlty! My mom used to watch those fools when I was a kid. Thanks for the memory!
Annie Dill says
Auntie Leila, I am a fellow grandma, and also have a child in college and a child still in high school, and I absolutely love reading your wisdom. You get to the heart of things. I always stressed manners and gratitude but I would have never thought of them as the secret to meal planning and preparation. Now I will! Please do not grow weary in well-being, Auntie Leila!
Annie Dill says
*well-being:)
Annie Dill says
*well-doing!
Molly says
Any advice for families with non-traditional schedules? My husband works 4 10 hour days in a row for his work week, so four days a week Daddy isn’t home until 30 minutes before bedtime. I’ve learned enough that our four year old can’t wait that long for dinner, so we have it at a better time for him and I around 5:30/6, but because it’s just the two of us, and I’ve usually been up for 12 hours by the time dinner prep rolls around after working my job and then coming home early in the afternoon my energy and patience is thin – not to mention it’s been 6 hours since my last meal myself. He and I will do grace together and I try to be mindful of our meals on those days so they will incur fewer battles (one day is always particularly rough so I usually make that stir-fry or sandwich and carrots night), but I wish we could have more rhythm to our meals.
Sarah SAMs says
Dear Molly, My husband has also worked strange hours, only been home for breakfast, been deployed, etc. It is no fun, and I have had a pity party once or twice. I would just encourage you to pray for grace to do the best you can one day at a time, and keep in mind the long- term goals. When your little one is old enough to coordinate dinner with Daddy, you want him to be accustomed to sitting down and using manners and asking Mama about her day. When he goes to a friend’s house for dinner, you want him to be polite, etc. and when he someday has a family of his own to shephard, you want him to value family meals, I imagine! So even when Daddy is not there, we can practice these things, be the food itself ever so humble. What you are doing is very important!
Molly says
Thank you Sarah! Good reminder to keep working towards those “some days”. The plan is to switch my husbands schedule back to something more 9-5 in the next year (by the time kindergarten starts at least) because we no longer need to weird hours to cut down on care and one of the biggest driving forces for this is that dinner time does not look like we want it to right now. So we’ll keep fighting the good fight for a little bit longer!
Virginia says
My husband also works weird schedules. I wish we could do dinner as a family more, but, you know, making the money to buy the food is pretty much non-negotiable! Sometimes he’s able to be home for breakfast or lunch and we make those meals special. Sometimes the kids are able to stay up a little late and have dessert while daddy eats his dinner. I try to insist on good manners even when it’s just me and the kids–nothing bad said about the food, pleases and thank-you’s, “may I be excused”, bringing their plates to the sink when they’re done, etc.
The thing I struggle with is making sure that I’m sitting down with them at the table instead of running around and getting stuff done, cleaning up, etc. while they’re pacified with their food : ) My kids are still young. I also worry about them not having examples of adult dinner table conversation. But, hopefully things will change!
Molly says
Yep this is us/me. Particularly with the getting up while he’s eating – I wish I didn’t do it! I’ve started reading to him at the dinner table because it means I’ll sit and stay there and won’t try to get something else done at the same time!
We do other meals together when we can too – special breakfasts when we’re all home together, sometimes they’ll come over and bring me lunch, etc.
Jenn says
I knew that was Emily’s table! She’s famous!!
Meaghan says
I love all of Auntie Leila’s suggestions and I’m going to add one more because I have felt the same way- it’s decision fatigue! I am using emeals.com right now and it saves
Me a LOT of sanity. It is less than $5/month and we get the “kid friendly” version because we have 3 kids j see age 5!
Mary says
My grandmother, who passed away about 35 years ago, told me about FHB. She said when all were at the table, with guests, and she realized that they were almost out of something, she would say, “FHB with potatoes”.
I never heard anyone say something like that before. Nice to know her family was not the only one to do that.
Mary
Katie says
I’m a bit late to the bustling conversation in the comments, and of course Auntie Leila’s thesis here is really about manners and family culture, but I’ve arrived at some workable meal-planning logistics thanks to having read Leila’s series a couple of years ago. I’ll share in case it makes sense to anyone else too.
The boon for me has been harnessing the power of the iCloud Notes feature. =) I was a late adopter of the iPhone, but I had just gotten (been given/coerced into) one around the time that my now-2-yo was born. With the LMLD advice in mind, I eventually started three Notes on my phone . . . one called Dinner this week, one called Dinner menu archives, and one called Grocery list (actually, several of these, each named for my local stores in case I wanted certain things from certain places; but in practice it’s just the one main store). These are nothing fancy, just plain-text lists, as I’m usually a scribbler-on-paper and don’t really do “apps”. For the weekly list I have headings for Sun, Mon, Tues, etc., and then beneath, I list the components of the meal I plan to make, following Leila’s advice to round things out with sides, etc. so you know everything that will need to be prepped for the table. This is also where I include evening meetings or church dinners or house-guests or what-have-you that would affect dinner (i.e. not in the Calendar app where other people probably note their engagements!). And it’s easy enough to cut-and-paste to adjust for days when the sequence gets off or when some ingredient isn’t actually at hand.
But the thing that has really helped, is that once I’ve made it through a list of planned meals, I select-all and just dump it over into the Dinner menu archives list (taking off the days-of-the-week headings). And boom, I have a plain-but-handy list of all the things, and since it’s on my phone, it’s likely to be with me wherever I find myself sitting down to think about what’s next for the week ahead. Maybe someday it could be in a binder or a spreadsheet or something grander, but really, this works fine. I can scroll through and remind myself what we’ve fixed, and what we like.
And the kicker for me was when someone showed me how iCloud worked, and that I could see and edit my lists on the real computer too. Wow! Thus I can have my local store’s weekly ad pulled up in the web browser, and see what’s on sale, and right next to it I open my Notes window. I can work out my weekly plan before I go shopping based on the ad, and I can make my grocery list accordingly. Then thanks to “the cloud,” my list is right there in my pocket on my phone when I get to the store. (I still can’t quite get over the resulting need to have my phone out a lot at the store– I want to tell clerks and passersby, “I’m marking things off! I’m not rudely texting my way down the aisles!”– but the pros outweigh the cons for me here. =) And I find I do a better job of adding depleted items to my phone list than I ever did making paper lists right before a shopping trip. It’s become a habit to open the Note and jot down the item right then and there in the kitchen (“No dijon mustard in the fridge. Where’s my phone?”), knowing I’ll thank myself later when it prompts me to buy it next time at the store.
And to try to end on-topic: our toddler has totally gone for the candle-at-dinner ritual. Simply lighting it without comment during the time she’s been learning high-chair/family-table habits, has resulted in her assuming that this is a good and necessary part of the meal. Even though she’s not allowed to use the matches yet, she’s already “in charge” of reminding mama to do this part of dinner. It’s very sweet. And I wouldn’t have thought to do this or to believe how central it would become, so thank you, Auntie Leila!
Helena says
Thank you. My mom treated supper this way when I was growing up, but between five children under six and morning sickness, I have let a lot of her example fall by the wayside. My husband and I read this together yesterday and started to institute some of it immediately; the older children responded tonight by pretending to be Almanzo and only saying “yes, thank you, Mother” at the table. It hugely delighted them to have a secret joke, and suddenly the toddlers were joining in the fun and copying-catting GOOD behavior! Which of course made for two very happy parents, and positive spiral overall. Even if it doesn’t turn out that way every night, it was a great reminder of how positive cultures do work.
Amy says
Leila, thank you for sharing this. We eat most of our meals all togeth, and many of them are very enjoyable, but we often have what feels like chaos as well. our oldest child is a dawdling picky eater who can’t resist sneaking books to the table. He could sit with is meal for close to an hour and not be through. Our middle child has food allergies, cannot stay in his seat and usually jumps around and just cannot sit still. In general he is often plain old disruptive. He will finish his meal in less than ten minute and be ready for dessert or ready to play. Our littlest, baby, just loves to eat and can’t get enough. I’m forwarding this to my husband, and if nothing else I will begin training them in hopes that our mealtime with daddy can be more enjoyable for all. I can see the atmosphere my husband and I desire for mealtimes, but I haven’t known how to get there. Thanks for your advice.
Jamie says
Hello! I am sure someone already posted this but when my children were very young I kept dinner incredibly simple. We often ate oatmeal for dinner (the real rolled oats kind). It is filling, nutritious, and doesn’t mess up the whole kitchen at the end of the day. Other popular things: eggs and toast, crockpot pinto beans with a ham hock, rice with butter and some sausage. Simple simple simple. Never get kids fast food when you have oatmeal in the house. I am a fan of cutting up vegetables and having a “veggie tray” handy for snacking. Kids like raw vegetables more than cooked for some reason.
KLM says
Are your older kids on a round robin of helping with meals? Seems like they should have the skills by now to cook once a week, whatever they want, within reason, of course. First with your gelp, then without.
If the means pizza and burgers happen every week, so be it. They are food, they can be healthy enough food. They will get a taste of what they have been dishing out to you, their will probably whine and criticise, though I hope their father does not!
Alternatively, feed them exactly what they like, burgers maybe, every night. Every single bloody night. If they complain, point out since everyone moans anyway, you cant be bothered to put out any effort. If they want something else, they can work on suggesting, cooperating in the cooking and serving amd cleaning, complimenting and being kimd, etc. until then, you have better things to do than bother with all that work for a bunchof moaning in return.
Esther says
Frazzled’s letter nails it! Looking forward to exploring the rest of your blog.