Now that we've sat around the LMLD kitchen table and covered some postpartum expectations, I will tell you what I really want to say about nursing* your new baby, just what I would tell you if we were drinking a cup of tea together, based on my own experiences, my mother's (and she was very supportive and encouraging to me, thank God), and my daughters'.
Don't think everything came easily to me, however. I spent my share of time with hurting nipples, undiagnosed thrush, trying to nurse baby with wild toddlers running around, not having two cents to rub together, no meals brought to me (well, to be fair, I didn't bring any to anyone), loneliness — lots of trials! No, this is more a case (like all the others!) of “if I can do it, so can you!”
Necessary (sigh) disclaimer: Please feel free to skip this post. I'm not faulting you if you can't breastfeed your baby or if you encountered difficulties! I need to make one little point in this post to encourage the mom who's still trying to figure it out!
It is not the be-all and end-all post on breastfeeding, as perfect as I tried to make it! (Joke.) Please don't leave a comment about how attacked you feel — instead, try to understand what I'm doing here.
I also don't subscribe to any particular parenting “movement.” I'm kind of anti-movement when it comes to normal things.
I'm trying to maintain the collective memory, not create a religion.
The subject under discussion is the brand-new baby, the baby you don't know yet, and how to give yourself the best shot at being peaceful and relaxed while feeding him. For problems and issues about breastfeeding, see my other posts (none of which aims at being comprehensive) and the sites mentioned in those posts and their comments — sites that are helpful and comprehensive.
Here's the thing:
If you don't come from a culture of being surrounded by women who easily and in a relaxed manner breastfeed their babies, you are simply not going to know certain things! Who will tell you? It isn't even a “telling” thing, but alas, that's what I have to do here.
Please bear with me and know that if you had trouble when you tried breastfeeding your baby, I have the utmost sympathy for you and would only like to make things a little better for the next time. Or for someone else.
So, a little tea?
Here is my little point:
Mainly this: Assume that he needs to be nursed. Make your default position be, “I will nurse him.”
For some reason, many nurses, grandmothers, and other “helpful” people, including most authors of books out there, set themselves one task: To figure out what the baby needs other than nursing.
There are one or two things the baby might need other than nursing, I'll admit. The only one you need to think about in the first few days is this: Is his diaper dirty? You can change it before nursing him.
Other than that, your default in these first days and weeks needs to be that the baby needs to be nursed.
This first week (can we just hold off the “helpful” advice for one week?) he probably does not need: a pacifier, a swing, a burping longer than a few minutes, “time away from you so he doesn't smell the milk,” a bottle, or whatever else they cook up.
Is he looking around? Awesome.
Is he sleeping? Awesome. Close your eyes and sleep too.
Is he fussing in any way or in any way seeming to need something? Try nursing him.
There are of course times when it becomes obvious that something else is needed. He may indeed need to burp or even poop. (Do, do check the diaper first.) He may even need to stretch out. Very soon you will become proficient in identifying these times.
Stunningly, you will get to know your very own baby and his needs.
Hold him in your arms in any case, these first days and weeks. The few instances when you won't be holding him will be obvious: you are going to the bathroom, Daddy's holding him, he got put down somewhere cosy near you and went to sleep and you are eating something (but then Daddy picks him up), you went to sleep (but come to think of it, you are still holding him).
And there are some times when you may be so very exhausted that you actually do need someone to take the baby so that you can sleep or you may die. With each of my babies, there would be at least one time that I was so at the end of my rope that if I drifted off a noise like a stick of dynamite would go off inside my head. So at that point, yes, they (husband, mother, kind neighbor) can bounce and pacify and pace and swing — just long enough for you to recover. I'm not talking here about those instances, which do pass. I'm talking about normal everyday (albeit new and yes, tiring) existence with your infant.
About the default.
Some things that people will say to you, getting inside your head by making you think that nursing is the last thing to try, confusing you, and making you anxious (and this list is very general — believe me, I know that people say some crazy things):
“He's not crying!” Well, let's not purposely make the baby cry in order to get what he needs. Goodness knows there will be enough crying without that.
But if at any moment he is making that little “eh eh” noise, or of course crying, or bobbing his little head up and down, or sucking his little fist, go ahead and nurse him.
Yes, nurse him before he starts crying, even.
“He's already nursed.” So? He really may need to nurse again. Any number for feedings per day that anyone is throwing at you is an average. It's of limited usefulness. The only way to tell if he doesn't want to nurse again is to try nursing him. Any experienced nursing mom will tell you that there are many occasions when baby will indeed nurse again, even having just nursed!
Infants often nurse pretty much continuously all day and all night for that matter. Guess what, they have to survive. Where are you going? You're not going to a road race! (See previous post.)
Just think, “Ah, I will go ahead and nurse the baby again. It's okay.”
“He's been nursing for a long time.” Well, babies nurse for more than just hunger. Ask yourself why we feel the need to disturb a peacefully nursing baby?
Why?
There are technical reasons why babies should nurse for long periods and even on empty breasts. I discuss these in my other posts and of course the internet is full of experts who address this issue.
But mainly I want to say, why do you want to disturb him? Very soon there will be many disturbances without us creating them.
“He'll get used to nursing all day every day and all night too and you'll have no time to yourself!” Clearly that is not true.
Please look around at all the older people you know, some of whom must have been nursed, and see that they are indeed not nursing at all times.
First, you just had this baby. He really does need to eat a lot. And it's a bit much to subject you to anxiety gridlock by warning you against feeding him all the time and that he isn't regaining his birth weight.
Interestingly, if you just got a job at Goldman Sachs, you'd be expected to be there all day and mostly all night — they literally send a car for you early in the morning and deliver you back late at night, and your food is catered there so that you can't even leave to have dinner elsewhere. People would be praising you for having such a prestigious job, but it would be even more demanding than having a newborn and you would not get to lie down, ever. If that's what you really wanted to do — be an investment banker — you'd put in the hours, knowing that eventually you'd have some free time and a summer house in the Hamptons.
But somehow, when it comes to nurturing a little person, no one can even give you two weeks to figure things out!
Second, the baby will get a rhythm and eventually there will be time to do other things. It's a process of elimination — you have to eliminate that he needs to nurse, and to do that, you need to nurse him by default.
“You should get a pump and use it.” Big disclaimer alert here: If you are committed to some sort of thing where you are pumping because you have to be away from your baby, I am really not the person to consult. Plenty of advice out there. I do hope that you will take the first few weeks and not pump.
For you others, I want you to know that pumping isn't something you have to do to breastfeed. Somewhere along the way it seems to have been deemed a necessity. Does that really make sense? Think about it, like, anatomically.
To you I want to say:
Maybe you acquired a pump without really knowing much about it.
You know that cupboard above your fridge? The one you never open because you have to teeter on a chair after first having moved the stuff off the top of the fridge, which you don't want to do because it has that sticky dust on it?
Put the pump up there.
If you ever, God forbid, have to go to the hospital for some reason, there it will be and your husband can get it down. Otherwise, get it out of your sight. Because babies actually need so little, people are enamored by anything they can grasp onto as a “necessity.” Especially if it involves a machine of some sort. But in fact you don't need it in the normal course of things. Nursing isn't about getting Milk A into Baby B and nothing else. That's what I'm trying to tell you.
“What if you have to nurse the baby out in public? You need a bottle, so you need the pump.” No. Just nurse the baby by holding him somewhere in the vicinity of your chest.
If you give yourself lots of time to nurse the baby in those first days (see the postpartum post), you will figure out the mechanics and seeming awkwardness of it all. (On Saturday's bits & pieces we will link to some helpful posts and items for this aspect of things.)
By the time you are ready to go out, you'll be super able to do it. I myself nursed babies in every conceivable place — restaurants, talks, churches, airports, museums, parks, movies, airplanes, parties. Certain of my babies couldn't settle down to nursing with noise or hubbub (too interested, even at a young and tender age) — so I would excuse myself to a quiet place (all the while exuding “it's not for your sake I'm leaving, but for hers” vibes) — or I'd just stay home.
Again, if you were that newbie at Goldman Sachs, you'd never see the inside of a museum and you'd be the pride of your alma mater. They'd give you an award for not ever going anywhere.
So take the first week to put all that out of your mind. Your job is to rest and to nurse the baby. Wonderfully, if you can possibly not fret about “nursing too much,” you will automatically be more rested, because you have to sit down or lie down to feed a baby!
The miracle of God's plan.
Then give yourself six weeks. By six months you won't even remember what all the nervousness was about.
(Remember what I said yesterday? Postpartum means one week, and then six weeks, and then six months. Keep moving the goal line.)
You will be on your way to having a peaceful experience — or for that matter to finding out that you have a little barracuda on your hands who keeps you hopping, because some babies are tough nursers, that's a fact. It's not that everything will be perfect.
Auntie Leila never promises that!
“His night and day will get switched.” Actually, this just happens.
There will always be time early on when the baby is super awake all night. It has nothing to do with nursing him. It has to do with him having conked out during the day because you were resting and the hum of life in general soothed him. Suddenly it's quiet and he found his ability to keep awake, so he does.
Just do a few extra things with and to him during the day: a washcloth washing if his cord hasn't fallen off, a bath if it has, getting him nicely clean and changed; a little fresh air with Daddy while you nap; being picked up more during the day. At night, after a long feeding give him a good burping (Daddy is so good at this), change him, and think positive thoughts about how the night is for sleeping. Do not panic.
As you get stronger and more able to move about during the day, he'll get the idea while still staying close to you and nursing plenty at night. After two weeks also try not to change his diaper in the middle of the night if you can help it. Soon he will give you at least one (maybe more!) four hour stretch of sleep at a time during the night with only a little rousing to nurse.
And most dreadful of all:
“You will spoil him.” Even if it could be true that by meeting your baby's needs, you would spoil him (and it's not true), the good news is that you can always rectify anything later.
Right now your mantra should be “I'll worry about that [spoiling, being out of shape, not wearing high heels for the photo shoot, getting back to work, all of it] later.” You need to understand how breastfeeding works — that it's a demand-and-supply system.
Success for most of us really does depend on having the baby near and being willing to nurse him rather than put him off with strategies. By success I don't mean every moment will be a glowing symphony of angels' voices. I just mean that you'll get to know your own baby (whether he's easy or hard) and have enough good milk for him.
And you need to have confidence that your new baby can't be spoiled by getting love, affection, and milk from you. Hold him in your arms, relax, and don't worry.
Let nursing him (even when bottle feeding! — that is, picking him up, cuddling him, holding him in your arms) be your default position rather than a last resort.
All will be well!
______________________
*You should nurse your baby. You should breastfeed your baby if you can, and I think you almost certainly can. Maybe you really can't breastfeed. But every mother can nurse her baby. That means cuddle, hold, and in general understand that nursing the baby isn't reducible to a delivery system for nutrition — rather, the milk is a vehicle, if you will, for getting to know and love your baby. It also happens to make him grow.
I've already posted a bunch on this topic. You can go read or re-read the posts for some nitty-gritty details (and lots of the comments are greatly informative as well). But the key learning here is this: Hold your baby and nurse him. If you are feeding with a bottle, make up your mind that you — and only you as much as is humanly possible — will feed your baby in your very own arms.
Sweetness says
You are so smart! The collective memory… a treasure beyond measure. Although having great support is such a blessing, my sister (who was a great example to me) and sisters-in-law were able to instinctively give their babies what they needed and even in the face of hostility sometimes ie one loving mother that I know (not mine) called her daughter a cow. Be strong and do what you can and if you can’t don’t beat yourself up. Just as there are lots of older people who once nursed and no longer do, there are lots of smart and healthy people who did not nurse and still turned out just fine! Thanks, Leila, your one of the best!
April L. says
Because cows are the only mammals that make milk, don’t ya know? 😉
b says
I’ve told people “humans are mammals, it’s in the name” before. Mammals == mammary glands that make milk. Apparently this is a big shock to some humans.
Sweetness says
LOL
Sweetness says
* you’re…sorry
Erin says
Wonderful. I think about my early motherhood days often and wish I had known more. One thing I never really hear people talk about is overproduction. With my first everyone said I wouldn’t need a pump since I planned to stay at home. So I never got one. But after having her, she sounded like she was drowning and would scream when she nursed. She would projectile vomit and I was beyond sore. I went to the consultant after 5 days of this. She gave me a hospital grade pump and told me to pump milk out before I nursed. It was like a miracle. It really saved us. I’ve had to do this with each of my babies for 4 months until things sync. But still everyone asks or thinks I’m crazy for pumping since I nurse and stay at home. I hear a lot of “I hate pumping.” I don’t like it either but I feel like I have too. I’ve read different things like I could try nursing upwards and use gravity or use cabbage leaves (which I do also). Anyway it’s never addressed and can be a bit problematic. I feel like I can’t be the only one … I had so many tears during those first few days I just wish I had known what was going on and that it was normal.
Jenny says
You aren’t alone. I had it too. Baby chokes for a good week or two as he drowns in a deluge of milk.
April L. says
I also had an oversupply. It was never suggested by my midwife to pump but I wonder if it would have been helpful. But so funny that people thought you were crazy for pumping. I got the opposite reaction for not pumping! Just goes to show that no matter what you do, someone out there is convinced you’re doing it wrong.
Virginia says
I have this problem, too! With my first, not only was she drowning, but I had constant mastitis that I couldn’t get rid of even though I was trying to convince baby to eat as much as possible. Also baby couldn’t latch on properly to the engorged breast and all the problems that causes. I also suspect that the imbalance of foremilk/hindmilk gave her digestive problems. All the advice I got was not to pump because it would just make my body produce more milk. This is what all the literature from La Leche League tells you as well. I’m glad you had better guidance! Eventually the supply did even out but, wowza, it would have been so much easier to just have a good pump! Now I know to rent a hospital-grade pump (preferably diesel-powered) and have it waiting for me when I get home from the hospital. After a month or so when my supply has evened out I return it. It makes a world of difference!
I think this problem is often not diagnosed because baby is gaining weight fantastically, so there’s no “medical” problem, it’s just that mommy is in agony! Often, when people tell me about miserable experiences breastfeeding I wonder if this was the problem. This was very helpful to me in figuring out how to deal with oversupply: http://www.internationalbreastfeedingjournal.com/content/2/1/11
Hope this helps someone!
Mrs. B. says
To all of you “overproducers”! Keep in mind that there are programs that allow you to donate your milk to a “milk bank”. That’s what my hospital gave me when my last baby needed some extra. Just an idea, maybe you can ask your doctors about it.
b says
https://www.hmbana.org/ is the site for human milk banks in North America.
Annalisa says
I did find the hand pump very helpful for reducing engorgement enough to slightly relieve pain and swelling enough so that my babies could latch on, though, as some have noted, with practice, hand expression can achieve the same results. I found two other tips helpful when dealing with overproduction. For the first, breastfeed your baby, sitting him upright, straddling your hip and supporting him at the base of his head. Sitting on the front edge of a chair can give you enough space between your lap and breast. Nursing in this position gives the baby more freedom to move his head away if the fire hose threatens to drown him. Secondly, you might try latching the baby on, waiting for let down, then taking the baby from the breast and catching the milk in a cloth diaper or burp cloth ( or cup, maybe, but that’s unwieldy) until the force lessens, when you put the baby back to the breast. Over time, supply and demand do regulate production, at least somewhat.
Katie says
Interesting thought about un-latching/re-latching to let the fire hose run out a little into a cloth. I’ll file that away for next time. And your mention of cloth diapers makes me smile, as it jogs the memory of giving up altogether on nursing pads in the early weeks, and just folding a cloth diaper longways to tuck inside a cami. Easier to keep up with than the succession of pads (washable or disposable), good insulation against leaks, comfier and more convenient than even a nursing bra, and always at hand when I sat down with the baby. =) Not saying it was stylish or flattering, but very effective!
Annalisa says
Effective! Yes, that’s a higher goal for a while, and a diaper does soak up so much more than even the best nursing pads I had going for me. Never tried them in my nursing tank, but I’ll remember it for next time.
Emily M says
I had oversupply (with a preemie, poor kid!) for my first one. Setting him upright definitely helped with feedings. The only thing that got my supply negotiated down to the proper level (and him getting a good ratio of fore/hind milk) was “block feeding”. So, for a given three-hour period, I’d only feed him on the left side whenever he wanted to eat, then for the next three hours, only the right side. Thus one side gets good and empty, while the other is rather full and sending back signals to slow production.
This, of course, was the exact opposite of the advice I’d gotten in the hospital (even though they knew I had good supply), which was the stock “always nurse on both sides every time no matter what”.
Sheila says
Yes! Block feeding! I’m so glad you mentioned this, because it was the only thing that helped with my oversupply. And nobody ever mentioned it to me, ever. I found that pumping a little bit before nursing actually made the problem worse, but if I did 6 hour block feeds, I was ok. Once my kids got to around 4-5 months, I could start working down to 3 hours per side. 6 hours is a bit extreme, but my oversupply was that bad!
Virginia says
Block feeding is the bomb. The article I linked to above has a description of block feeding preceded by pumping as much milk as possible from both sides, quickly, with a mechanical pump. Whereas pumping a little before each nurse stimulates the nipples enough that it drives supply up even more, pumping everything out that you possibly can just once or twice does not, at least for me. If you start block feeding and you’re super-engorged, you can quickly develop mastitis in the unused breast. You will probably only have to use the pump once or twice.
I would nurse baby to sleep, trying to get her to drink as much as possible. Then I used a really good pump (the dinky hand pumps would take way too much time) and try to get as much milk out as possible. The first time I did this, it took almost an hour! Then you start block feeding in 3-4 hour blocks or longer, depending on how severe your oversupply is. I did 6 hour blocks, like you did. My experience was that when baby woke up and wanted to nurse after this she would get the rich hindmilk for the first time and was instantly satisfied. Then the oversupply problem resolved itself within days. Even up through toddlerhood my babies would usually only nurse from one side! So, I was kind of lopsided, but whatever ; )
Sheila says
I never even thought about the fully emptying the breasts instead of just “taking the edge off” so baby doesn’t drown, which is what I was doing. That would explain why pumping made the problem worse for me. I will have to keep this in mind, since I’m pregnant now with my 3rd, and this will be the first time I’m home full time. With my other 2 I had to go back to work full time after 12 weeks. Then oversupply was a blessing. I was always able to pump enough to feed my kids exclusively breast milk even though I was gone 12 hours a day. Sometimes I would pump more than 20 oz in 3 sessions and still have milk left in my breasts, I just ran out of time to keep pumping. Thank you so much for mentioning this, I think it will be a huge help come October!!
Virginia says
Congratulations and good luck!
Annalisa says
Yes! Block feeding has been very helpful in regulating supply for me.
Stephanie says
Another one with oversupply here! Block nursing was helpful, and letting the letdown go into a diaper. But also, nursing while reclined helped my babies deal with the firehose. Not laying flat, but leaning back a bit in a recliner or propped on pillows in bed. The milk flows against gravity and isn’t quite so hard for them to deal with. This time around (#4 is 6 months old) I started pumping in the morning. I’d feed her while pumping the other side. It really helped, but now I’m stuck with it. Every time I stop, we end up with bright green diapers. And I’m not exactly a fan of pumping. Oh well, I’ll donate it and another baby will benefit. 🙂
Lori @ In My Kitchen, In My Life says
When I was expecting my first, my aunt gave me the very best breastfeeding advice: “If you really want to breastfeed, promise yourself that you’ll keep on with it no matter what for at least six weeks. By the end of that time, whatever problems you may have will almost certainly have resolved themselves and you’ll be a pro.” That really helped — when my nipples bled, when I worried if she was getting enough, when I leaked all over myself… — I just thought, “I’m doing this for at least six weeks, and everything’s going to be fine.” And it was!
Kelsey says
I love your advice about the pump! How I hate pumping. I actually did need one the first couple of months with my Zelie, but then stopped using it, and hope never to use one again. Yes, they are a true Godsend for some – really, it was for me in that instance – but wow are they ever inconvenient and sort of soul-crushing. If you need one because you’re returning to work, ok. Otherwise, I would never advise an expectant mom to have one on hand “just in case,” unless it was a small hand pump for relieving engorgement. Hospitals rent out pumps (which are better than the ones you can buy in the store anyway) inexpensively.
Jenny says
Good common sense! There are so many warnings about spoiling the baby and trying to get back to ‘normal,’ whatever that is, and just holding and nursing the baby is seen as a last resort, indicative of failure. So much crying, both mother and baby, trying to conform to “expert” advice.
I will slightly disagree about the absolute non-necessity of a pump. Looking ahead through baby’s first year, if you ever intend to be separated from baby, even to go grocery shopping alone, you should pump a little bit and introduce a bottle sometime before the six week mark. Definitely not immediately. Not even in the first month, but sometime between the 4 and 6 week mark. If you miss the window in the newborn period, baby will likely be very resistant to ever taking a bottle. You probably don’t need a double electric, but I would recommend having a hand pump.
Now, if you don’t ever foresee being apart from baby even for a few minutes–and some never are–disregard because, it’s true, you don’t really need a pump to successfully breastfeed barring some kind of medical situation.
b says
There’s also the option of hand expression, rather than any pump at all. For some moms that doesn’t work, of course, but other moms get as much milk or more than they would with any pump.
As for the bottles, still not absolutely required. Some babies will refuse anything that’s not mom, even if they are separated for mom to go to work/out, and make it up by what’s called reverse cycling (breastfeeding all evening/night assuming a daytime separation). And there are things you can use besides a bottle – such as a cup, a spoon, a syringe, finger feeding (this looks a bit like a supplemental nursing system), especially with an older baby who is getting solid foods.
Rebecca S. says
Just a comment on introducing the bottle too early – my son was born 3 1/2 weeks early, was very sleepy and just wasn’t getting enough milk on his own. The lactation consultant finally told me to try to nurse for twenty minutes and then give him a bottle of breastmilk for the rest of each feeding session. I had read all the advice about introducing the bottle too early and was very afraid that he would have nipple confusion – but we worked through it and by two months, the only time he had a bottle was when I was away at work. So I would say, it probably depends on the baby and the determination of the mother to an extent.
I was determined that my baby would have only breastmilk his first year, and it has required a lot of work and a lot of determination as I teach part-time. I have a love/hate relationship with my pump, that’s for sure! But he is 11 months now, this is my last day of teaching for the school year, and we made it…!
Mrs. B. says
I’ve had to supplement with all my babies, too (many doctors will deny this, but my strong suspicion is that c-sections often cause a delay in milk production…), and no one wanted to have anything to do with a bottle! The hospital gave us special syringes with a long, curved end: it looks like a comma. They worked great.
b says
You’re correct, Mrs. B – cesareans do often cause a couple days delay in milk production. I believe it is more likely for cesareans before spontaneous labor, but the only link I recall ofhand doesn’t mention that – http://kellymom.com/bf/concerns/mother/when-will-my-milk-come-in/
Katie says
Jenny, I’ll second your thoughts about the hand pump, while also appreciating 100% Auntie Leila’s practical wisdom outlined above. I happened into possession of a little Medela Harmony pump (the midwife’s office gave one to me for free at my 30-something-week prenatal). As a matter of fact it did go to the back of a cabinet at first, but it proved a trusty little helper in my first go at nursing. For me, the beauty was that it helped me to SEE what my body was doing, to get a peek at this strange, wonderful process of providing milk straight from my breast. (Yep, you can see the tiny little sprays of milk through the translucent pieces.) As I recall, a few days after bringing baby home, I had an uncomfortably high supply, so my MIL or sister or someone pulled it out and washed the pieces. I sat cross-legged on my bed with a sleeping newborn in my lap. Then I figured out how to use the gentle (non-motorized!!) self-pacing of the squeezy hand part, marveling at the milk as it emerged and relieving a bit of the engorgement. It helped me feel better on the spot, and, in a broader, visual-learner sense, it gave me confidence too. I simply considered it an end unto itself (vs. aiming to store up lots of ounces for others to feed to the baby), and it didn’t disrupt my nursing rhythms with my newborn at all– just made a little more visible this mystery happening in her mouth and tummy. =) At about 4-5 weeks pp, it was also key in getting me through a sudden spat of cracked and bleeding nipples– didn’t skip that side, just gave it a breather from the baby latch every so often, pumping by hand on that side while she nursed the other.
Probably hand-expressing is the more traditional approach to what I’m talking about, and my mother often spoke of hand-expressing for us as babies so I knew it was a thing. I attempted it, too, and eventually I got the hang of it, but in those first days and weeks I just couldn’t quite figure out the knack of expressing.
There’s so much sense in what Auntie Leila and others say about the false need for equipment for newborns. Loving arms, a clean diaper area and milk in the tummy . . . that’s really it, and that’s so freeing! Offering my hand-pump anecdote because for me, it’s the “thing” that surprised me most with its helpfulness (as a mama tool, that is, not a baby thing, and a simple one at that).
April L. says
Having nursed two babies in the last 3 1/2 years–one of them an absolute breeze and one of them a bit difficult–I can testify that all of this is spot on.
And oh my goodness, the infernal pump. Look, if you need or want to pump, do your thing, with no judgement from me. But people looked at me like I had three heads and told me I was just being stubborn for not using a pump. I’m a stay at home mom–I don’t need one! But apparently I owed it to other people to let them bond with the baby. And hubby and I needed regular date nights away from the very young infant. Didn’t I want a break? Well, yes, a break was very often wanted. But my idea of a break is not hooking myself up to an uncomfortable machine. It was much easier, in my opinion, to just hook myself up to the baby, even when it wasn’t exactly pleasant.
To be clear: I’m really not anti-pump. Really. It’s just the idea that I needed to pump in order to meet other people’s needs was preposterous.
Jenny says
Yes! Yes! Yes! How many times was I asked to pump so other people could have a turn feeding the baby?! Please! That is not a reason to be hooked up to a machine.
Since I work full time, I have spent more time than I would ever care to recall nursing a machine. I am NOT doing it even more when I am with baby so someone else gets their “fair” chance. Crazy. When I am with baby, I feed baby and that’s that.
April L. says
A relative acted told me I was robbing my husband of important bonding time. Both of my children now run gleefully to the door, shouting, “DADDY! DADDY!” when he gets home. I think they bonded just fine. 😉
Laura says
totally! Bonding with daddy and baby is a matter of daddy taking the time to seek baby out and care for him… bath him, change his diaper, hold/cuddle him etc. and when he’s big enough, ride around on daddy’s strong back in a carrier, watching what daddy’s doing. My baby is just over a year old and other than b/f, I swear he’s happier to see daddy than mommy most of the time!
Dixie says
I’m with you about this. Many of my friends love having the option of pumping, and I think it is an important tool for many of them. For me, it never worked (and neither did hand expression, much), and I was actually relieved. I felt there was an expectation from some quarters that I give my baby a bottle and that I spend more time away from the baby than an hour or two (early on). It was better for me not to have to make that decision. I also have seen the expectation that a woman will pump wreak havoc on her supply in the early weeks. I think it is probably a better tool for later on IF you need it or choose to use it. But the point here is, I think, you CAN breastfeed without pumping!! (Isn’t it strange that that should even need to be said?) You can “just” breastfeed, just like you can “just” be a homemaker — and it is a good thing.
Jena says
With my first, I probably struggled for 6-8 weeks with breastfeeding it hurt/was uncomfortable for a while, and because of that, I said the “he just ate!” often! I was sore, etc., and did NOT want to subject myself to that so soon! There is also the huge learning curve of becoming a mom in the first place – learning to truly give yourself to another in a way I had never experienced. It was hard! Finally, it was easy and convenient and cheap, and we made it to a year.
With my second, it was SO much easier. He nursed in the delivery room for 30+ min before even getting cleaned off. There was no pain (except those awful after-birth cramps that no one mentions!) It was so much easier to give of myself to the newborn when he needed me, for nourishment or comfort. I think that’s maybe the hardest lesson of motherhood – sacrificial love! Once you catch on, it all gets a little easier!
I’ve told all my friends having babies that breastfeeding is just hard (to start), because it seems like all of the lactivists make it out to be unicorns and rainbows from the first second (I’m sure it is for some?). Be patient, you’re both learning a new skill (no matter how innate it is, it’s new)!
Gwen says
I completely agree with this. Even though I had a 5 year gap between my 3rd and 4th, I never experienced the pain and soreness like I did with my first. And he spent lots of time screaming. And I was so frustrated, because, like you said, he just ate! 🙂
Mama Turtle says
Thank you for saying all of this! Other than checking the diaper, nursing should be the go-to in the early weeks!
With regards to the pump, I read Bossypants by Tina Fey (from Saturday Night Live) not too long ago. While I do not agree with everything she says or does, she did make a fantastic point about breastfeeding and pumping. After she had her daughter, she realized that American society likes the idea of pumping because they are much more comfortable with expensive, high-tech machinery than they are with babies. I found that to be true and insightful!
Betsy M says
Love, love, love. Every single bit of this advice is spot on in my experience of nursing 5 kids. Thanks for writing this out so I can share it with my friends who are expecting!
Elizabeth says
Ah, yes! I am from a culture where breastfeeding happened all the time in a relaxed manner… my mom and aunts just nursed their babies, and nursed all afternoon if it needed be. I never really paid attention, but when I had my babies, nursing just happened. I never thought about it, baby just latched on, started sucking and apart from some engorgement, that was it.
My in laws, a family of bottle feeders, have a lot to say about the way I do things. When my MIL came to visit me after baby #2 the first thing she asked was: “Does she drink every 3 hours yet?” The child was 5 hours old!
They are always asking me how often the baby drinks, if baby is ‘finally’ sleeping through the night (which in their mind should happen at 6 weeks exactly), why I am ‘again’ nursing him, telling me I spoil my babies, that they’re getting too fat, etc. You name it, I’ve heard it, cow comments included.
If it weren’t for my own family, I would have felt so insecure and lonely. I really hope your post can give mothers who aren’t from a breastfeeding culture the support they desperately need to make it work. I look at my chubby 5 month old now and feel so proud that she grew this big on my milk.
Laura says
babies are supposed to be FAT! a fat baby is a healthy baby! rolly-er the better! lol dimples and chub, and thunder thighs 🙂 if your baby got to be a little dumpling on your milk GO YOU!
Mrs. B. says
This is why I think we’re still a couple of generations away from the ideal “community” surrounding us with the right kind of help: unfortunately, the “community” as it is now is a series of people with different ideas, trying to convince the poor new mother to follow their own way. And even more unfortunately, many of the new grandmothers (meaning, the new mother’s mother!) are no different, so that the poor mom cannot even rely on her own mother. My own mother was well-meaning in her own way, she just hates to see how much work breastfeeding is, and wants to spare her daughters the effort. I’ve heard from her all the comments Leila writes about… It’s dispiriting.
One thing that I find puzzling is this: many parents, once their kids are older, will go to great lengths to understand their child’s “learning style”, and will do all they can to adapt to it, and to educate their child accordingly. This is what society expects good parents to do. Yet, as new parents we meet all sorts of people trying to convince us that paying attention to our baby’s unique needs means spoiling him, or worse, that the baby doesn’t need anything but to be shown who’s the boss in the family. Hello??!!
Therese says
I feel the need to respond to all this because it hits home exactly. I knew I wanted to breast feed. I came from a family of bottle feeders to include my grandma, but I knew I wanted to breastfeed and kept at it. My MIL was the reason I didn’t quit. Anyways, almost all my friends who have babies now have also breastfed but came from families like mine of bottle feeders. So I really believe, deep down, we are slowly switching back as a society. But my generation is just struggling through it trying to fix what our mothers (through no direct fault if their own) broke. The feminist movement may have brought some good, but brought A LOT of harm to families. I now have a son and two daughters (4. 2.5, and 4 months) and am trumy worried about how to “maintain our collective memory.” Your blog has helped me in more ways than you’ll ever know. I am so grateful.
Ngofamilyfarm says
Mine is a very similar experience as both of yours, Mrs. B and Therese. Thanks for sharing your stories – it makes me feel less “alone” 🙂
-Jaime
Mrs. B. says
I’m starting to think lack of support from our mothers is more common than we think. Every situation will have its particular reason, but the result is always lack of harmony, at least in some areas, like nursing.
Jenny says
I am making a wild assumption about the ages of most of the commenters here, but I suspect most of our mothers are from the first generation who were actively encouraged to chuck the homelife and go out into the world. And they did. And don’t see a thing wrong with it. And now their daughters (us) are unmoored trying to find our way back to sanity, having to find functional advice on websites, while our mothers cluck their tongues at us.
Mrs. B. says
Actually, sometimes it’s more complicated than that. I am the first to be completely amazed that my own mother doesn’t understand what my husband and I are trying to do. My mother was at home with us kids, and none of my friends came from a family as big as ours. I do suspect she doesn’t value what she did for us much, since society has drilled into her mind that motherhood isn’t as worthy as a “real” job. She definitely encouraged us to work outside the home, and use day care for our children (better if it is only one child!), and all the usual things most people say and do. My impression is that she wants to see us have an easier life than hers, as she’s not the feminist type at all. She doesn’t seem to understand that for most women there’s much more peace in a life spent at home than in one spent trying to balance work, kids, and all the rest.
Laura says
Saving your daughters from the work of breastfeeding? My goodness… I tell you what, when you fight to breastfeed, and endure cracked nipples, thrush, b/f all day and all night for weeks, until it finally calms down, you know what you have?? super bond with your baby! I nursed 3 and bottle fed 2 and the bond I have with the nursed ones is different. Don’t get me wrong, you still bond when you bottle feed, but not in the same way. She apparently never got to the “enjoy” stage of breastfeeding… btw, anyone else LOVE the little head nuzzle baby does against your chest when he’s ready to nurse? I do!
therese says
I think you missed understood Me! I meant teaching my daughters the importance of breastfeeding. I came from all bottlefeeders and received a lot of Pressure to do the same, but fought against it. I want to ensure they feel and understand the imimportance of nursing. It’s the greatest accomplishment of my life, I believe.
therese says
Oops. Nevermind. I realize you were responding to the original message! Haha. Technology.
Mrs. B. says
I’ve never used a bottle (except myself as a baby!), so I have no idea how that might be different. I treasure the physical tenderness of breastfeeding, how my babies play with my skin while nursing… My youngest will go as far as pulling my shirt up when he wants to be nursed, or will point to the couch or to the bed, nodding vigorously – it is so funny! Then once he’s sure he’s going to be nursed, he has a special nervous giggle, and gets so impatient!
As for my mother, I was hoping she would learn something new from my breastfeeding experiences, which go always smoothly compared to some stories… But she’s still suspicious, and I have to be careful when talking to her about the baby, because if I complain about something I know I’m going to get another lecture on how it’s about time I stopped breastfeeding… She’s uncomfortable with me having more children, too, for the same reason: they’re too much work! I love her very much, and I know she loves me very much: I just don’t feel understood, and it saddens me. It is very sad when you tell yourself you don’t want to be like your mother…
Lauren smith says
Yes yes yes! It took me awhile to figure out nursing. I realized, years later, with my o,rest I was practicing “cultural” breastfeeding which is basically formula feeding with breastmilk and took away all the bonding. So, my baby was a year old before I figured it out. I went from dreading nursing to loving it over night-literally. Then it was so. I have fun. Toddler nursing is way better because is fun cuddle and play time. So many women wean before they even get a glimpse of fun time nursing. Then they don’t even bother nursing at all with their next kid.
anothermom says
I was incredibly blessed to have the assistance of a family friend and nurse when I breastfed our first 37 years ago. Based on later struggles breastfeeding two of our children I always tell young moms having difficulty nursing to check their babies for tongue tie. I had never even heard of tongue tie before our fourth and fifth children suffered from undiagnosed tongue tie. The first was discovered by an orthopedic intern, who detected the problem while observing our baby crying as he lay on a table during casting for a club foot. By then we had undergone extensive difficulties with nursing for several weeks. We experienced additional problems locating a physician willing to clip the tongue tie, even though our local midwife told us her Amish clients clip tongue tie themselves. Once the simple office procedure was finally performed the differences in latching on were like night and day. We were told pediatricians are not typically trained to detect or treat tongue tie anymore, in spite of the fact that detection and treatment are both relatively simple. Thankfully, we were able to discover the problem sooner for the second child, before suffering longterm difficulties once again. I found very helpful information regarding tongue tie on this mom’s blog, including this helpful post and several others: http://www.mommypotamus.com/why-our-mothers-shouldnt-have-listened-to-theirs/
Mothers, trust your instincts, trust your heart, and trust our Lord and Our Lady of La Leche to help you give your child the love and nourishment they need! Breastfeeding truly does supply the needs of your baby, body and soul.
abby hummel says
I hated feeling like a cow, but I will chime in with a favorable word for the dreaded electric pump… Pumping can be such a help with a lower supply! I struggled to produce enough milk for my daughter, which probably contributed to the quick return of fertility and the blessing of another baby on the way very quickly. I certainly hope to nurse the new baby much longer (we were fully on formula by 6 months this time), and I’ll definitely pull out the pump every day to see if I can increase my supply if I think it’s needed. But I agree — no reason to pump just so someone else can feed the baby for the heck of it.
My other big advice, for those who do need to switch to formula and bottles even if it wasn’t the first choice: When it’s time, it’s time. Don’t look back. I know women who beat themselves up and had serious emotional issues for “failing” in this area. It’s not worth that! “Breast is best” …until it’s not. Ultimately, “food is best.” What a marvel that we can feed our own babies even if breastfeeding fails, instead of being like women in days gone by who had to send their baby to live with someone else (…if they could afford it …otherwise … you don’t want to know…) and hope for the best.
Tori says
I agree that breast is best until it’s not. I’ve been able to breastfeed mostly without issue, but there were a couple seasons that I had to supplement. And when I got pregnant with my fifth, my fourth wouldn’t breastfeed at all anymore. So we bottle fed until that one year mark. I was lucky enough to have support both ways but not everyone is that fortunate.
It’s definitely important to promote breastfeeding, but I think it’s equally important not to promote mommy guilt.
Tori says
To be clear, I don’t think Auntie Leila is promoting guilt here! Just in case my comment came across that way. I’ve just seen it happen before.
Laura says
make it your goal to drink a half gallon of water a day… my supply (especially in the first 6 months) would drop noticeably if I only drank a glass or two… or if I only drank with meals.
Melissa D says
THIS. I kept huge, mug-like cups that they gave me in the hospital in both bathrooms and by the kitchen sink, filled with water. If I ever sat down not next to a glass of water, my dear husband brought me some.
abby hummel says
Yes! I am already looking things up and doing some major strategizing about this. (We may be moving just before or immediately after the birth, which complicates everything, but the significant income boost going from grad school to industry will make up for the hassle, alleluia!) I think the lower lactation levels probably contributed to the quick return of fertility, but getting pregnant made them drop so drastically it wasn’t even worth keeping things going anymore. I cried the day I switched to formula, not because I had any issue with it, but because I realized I should have switched her much sooner and where I thought she was “crabby,” the poor girl was just hungry. 🙁 I’m definitely hoping to breastfeed the new baby longer, but I spent a very long time in the first five years of marriage hoping and praying and devastatedly wondering if I would EVER have even one baby so it feels a little trite to get myself worked up about breast vs. bottle or beat myself up about milk drying up because *another baby* was on the way. All is gift!
Katie says
I’m interested in this, and I don’t know the answer, but I was thinking more sucking, more time at the breast right away, is what stimulates production. And the baby herself requesting the milk, communicating directly at the breast, does best at both this and preventing the return of fertility. I know many who thought they “couldn’t get pregnant while breastfeeding.” Well, we know this is an understatement to begin with, but also it doesn’t take into account the pump. Fertility comes back more quickly when the pump is involved, even if it’s the same number of ounces being produced each day. Perhaps in large part due to the ability to be away from baby, which I understand is not what you’re discussing here.
I have gotten the sense that the pump, used to early, has interfered with breastfeeding relationships for people I know. But it may certainly be a chicken and egg scenario – where the breastfeeding was already having issues, which introduced the pump.
I can only speak from my own experience, which has been wonderful thanks in large part to our dear Auntie Leila and her previous posts on the subject. I have been able to exclusively breastfeed my now 6.5 month old daughter since birth. Which I attribute to a mix of wonderful advice and favorable circumstance. Determination too, certainly.
Mrs. B. says
Abby, I went through a very similar experience. I was exclusively breastfeeding my first when I amazingly got pregnant again when he was not even 4 months old. My milk disappeared right away, and I had no idea it could happen, and no one mentioned this to me. He would nurse, and become so upset, because there was nothing for him! What finally made us realize there was a problem was his failure to gain weight, so we immediately switched to formula. Well, it didn’t work for us… He’d rather stay hungry than accept a bottle with formula, if you can believe it! (Now that he’s older it all fits: he’s no friend of food in general!) We tried different formulas, different bottles, no bottle but a cup, different cups, even added soluble baby cookies (Plasmon) to the formula to make it more attractive – nothing worked. He was underweight for months, until the pediatrician in desperation ordered PediaSure even though he was only 9 months and couldn’t have cow’s milk. He loved it, and we always thought it sort of saved his life…
Good luck with your second baby!!
Kari says
I love the distinction of “nursing” your baby vs. “breastfeeding” your baby! As someone who has mammary hypoplasia (practically non-existent mammary glands. No factory=no milk, no matter the demand) that went undiagnosed until a few weeks after baby #2 was born, I was feeling guilty guilty about not being able to breastfeed. I had a pediatrician telling me I was starving my baby (#1) while trying to feed her every time she acted hungry (about every 20 min). We just didn’t know I had no milk factory! I had mild PPD with her and with baby #2, but once I embraced the fact that even though I can’t breastfeed, I can nurse my babies, I’ve had been much more confident, and with baby #3, there was no PPD. Hoping to avoid those scary days with baby #4 when he’s born in a month or so, too. We do what works for us and our situation; we “nurse” on demand and love the babies even though I can’t breastfeed. It’s so nice to let go of the guilt!
There may be a medical reason, you can’t breastfeed (if you’re having trouble, get help! find out if there’s a medical/physical reason!), but you can still nurse your babies!
Kari
Jenny says
One of the few positives to come from me working fulltime and having to pump so much is that I had the opportunity to donate all of my excess milk to a local mother with mammary hypoplasia. She was so grateful to receive it and I was so happy to give it.
Tia says
It’s quite wise to mention that we have lost something vital with the collective memory. Did you know that human moms are the only mammals that have lost their instinctive ability to breastfeed? Babies are certainly born with some breastfeeding instincts, but women have lost all of theirs. Why is that? Because apparently that same knowledge is better transferred through a community of women who would see others doing the same and help other moms out in the process. Our social structure ensured that this kind of instinct was not necessary, and most unnecessary instincts (like smelling pheromones) sort of wither away in time. In other words, key to our survival has always been this collective knowledge. I think that says a lot about our how God intended humans to be, and also shows how far we’ve come from that ideal.
On a side note, since when did Goldman Sachs become anyone’s ideal of anything? So sad that people now applaud being chained with golden handcuffs to a desk all day for work.
Annalisa says
Tia, I do think you are on to something when you note that we need to see women breastfeeding to be able to do it ourselves. For so many reasons a young woman today is less likely than she would have been a few generations ago to see breastfeeding happen before she attempts it herself. I remember hearing about a gorilla (I think) who had her first baby in captivity and neglected it, but when a woman intentionally sat outside her pen, visibly nursing her own baby the gorilla watched curiously and eventually began to nurse her baby, too. Another reason to nurse in public. Yes, of course discreetly.
Helen Aardsma says
As a mother to ten, and a grandmother to 21, I heartily concur with you, Leila! I’m grateful I was able to figure things out, (God lead me!) without mentors, when I had my first baby almost 40 years ago! It is wonderful to be able to mentor others in common sense mothering. Keep up the good work. It is so needed in this insane world we live in.
Cristina says
I had problems nursing my first two babies because I kept trying to get them on that ever elusive “schedule” and my pediatrician insisted that they should be night weaned and sleeping through the night by six months–well she said four but I waited until six which seemed very daring at the time. It turns out that night weaning was a death blow to my milk supply. I ended up having to give them both formula not long after each time. With my next two I haven’t had any problems–I just feed them whenever they’re hungry and that’s that.
After my last birth, the postpartum clinic nurse give me a pumping lecture. She started giving me advice on pumping and when I told her I wasn’t planning on pumping at all she looked at me like I was crazy. She said she had NEVER had someone say that before. I can’t imagine that that could really be true and if I was a first time mom I probably would have been swayed by such a sweeping statement–but, I’m not 🙂
“What if you want to go out?” “I’ll take the baby with me.” “But what if you get sick?” “Um, I’ll get my husband to bring her to me to feed and then take her away until she needs me again?” She was truly flabbergasted. I didn’t realize this whole pumping issue had become such a thing. To me it just really over-complicates everything. If milk production depends on supply and demand and I start artificially raising demand then I’ve just opened a whole can of worms that I don’t have the mental energy to handle postpartum. And who can pump when you’ve got curious and very handsy toddlers running rampant anyway?
Laura says
Yes! i pumped for >>6<< months to feed my first baby… Hand pumped, mind you! Since then, my preference is to just NURSE the baby! So much less stressful in the long run! A friend of mine, i think, stopped nursing, b/c she was annoyed/frustrated by the constant neediness of her baby… sometimes, readjusting your mindset and telling yourself that reality is FINE rather than attempting to shoot for some mystical goal (sleep through the night, shop alone etc) helps you cope with the reality when it's hard. I was finally learning breastfeeding with baby #3 and had to shrink my perspective down to just THIS feeding. I had to stop thinking about how many times he had to nurse today and tomorrow and next week and just focus on THIS one. That helped immensely. Having a hubby there to fight for you and with you is a great plus too– oh, and COCONUT OIL is a b/f mothers BEST friend! It's better than lanolin!
Kate says
Thanks for this ;). My three week old and I have been doing pretty much what you’ve said but I needed the reassurance that what I’m doing for him is right. It feels very awkward when around other people, like I’m just nursing all the time and never doing anything else (which is fairly true!), so reading this is very helpful.
Virginia says
Such good advice, as always. My mother always said, “You don’t want to be a human pacifier!” Actually, you do!
b says
This is one of those comments that should be flipped most of the time, so that it is “Why do you want to give your baby a fake breast/nipple?” It’s a pet peeve of mine at times how acceptable constant pacifier use is considered in some places when a mother actually breastfeeding a child in the same place is treated as unacceptable.
Gwen says
I completely agree
RubberChickenGirl says
I didn’t want to be a human pacifier myself. I love my babies, but my boobs were sore enough. I needed the reprieve that a schedule provides. I wonder how much of engorgement and cracked nipples is exacerbated by constant stimulation. If your factory thinks your nursing triplets cuz of the constant demand, it follows that it’s gonna crank out a ton of milk. I used to get so engorged the first few weeks, but with regulated feeding, my body caught on quickly that it was over-producing and, though I had some huge plugged ducts under my armpits, I never got mastitis. I learned to avoid ALL extra stim, even avoiding letting the shower stream hit my chest or pumping extra milk to send the message to the factory, “We’re good! Chill.” And my boobs would be spared.
~RCG
Mrs. B. says
A thought just occurred to me: once we become accustomed again to nursing babies (in the broad sense Leila uses), and it’s once again the natural way to go, we will also become better at taking care of the sick, and especially of old people. Old age and sickness turn us very much into helpless babies (minus the cuteness, I’m afraid… and minus the expectation that things will get easier and easier), and this can be very tough for the caregivers. But maybe if our attitude toward helpless babies improves (meaning, we embrace their neediness as normal, instead of trying to run away from it), our attitude toward any helpless person will improve as well. At least I hope so.
Alesha says
Yes!
Lisa G. says
I’m sure you’re right, Mrs. B.
Victoria says
I know this was a while back, but, I’ve had similar thoughts. Just being in labor and being helpless over and over again reminds you afresh that we need to be generous and gentle to the aging.
Jennifer H says
I’m sitting here nursing my 7th baby who is almost 2 months old. You are SO right, Auntie Leila! I love this post and I think it’s one of your best ever. Keep the great advice coming!
Catherine says
This is hands down the best advice on nursing I have read. I went into nursing thinking I will do this for six months then we will wean. After hearing horror stories on weaning and nursing becoming so much easier by six months we kept nursing till two when surprisingly he weaned himself no need for anxiety and a step by step program just nature seemingly. We seem to try and complicate something that needs no alteration. Also, completely agreed about the pumps! Sheesh.
Alesha says
This may be because it’s hard to separate between the term “nursing” as you use it and “breastfeeding” but are you saying you disagree with putting a baby on a schedule? (Not one so strict that the baby and family revolves around the schedule, but a general 3-hr ish eat-awake-sleep idea?) I put both mine on one (in the Baby Wise/Whisperer sense) and they are very happy, and quickly slept very well at night even at only a couple months old, all the while not forsaking nursing in its broad sense…
Phoebe says
I don’t have anywhere near your experience yet (second baby due in 2 months), but I love your advice. With my first, we really struggled with nursing. I had set myself a goal or time limit of 6 weeks: not allowed to give up earlier, but not necessary to continue the frustration if it wasn’t working. She got the hang of it at 5.5 weeks.
And I did feed her at the slightest sign, for the first three or four months. I felt like we sat down to nurse at 4pm, and did nothing else till 7. But she got on a rhythm eventually, and has been very peaceful and not-fussy. People used to comment on how little she cried, as a small baby. I know I was blessed with an easier baby, but I do think that just nursing her whenever she wanted really contributed a lot.
Sarah says
Oh, how I wish I had had this post as I struggled with nursing my first baby! “Maybe he just wants to suck…” (i.e., you should give a pacifier because the baby isn’t “really” hungry). Bless you for writing this!
What I also wish I’d had: the very first line drawing from . Some babies don’t get good at latching in a side-lying position for a while, and in the mean time, one still needs (as you so admirably insist) to lie down and rest! Plus, some babies will latch much better in this position than held the more conventional way on a nursing pillow, which can cause baby to roll away from you. It helps them to get a nice deep latch, naturally, without your having to constantly “latch him off and try again” as certain lactation consultants will tell you. The baby won’t smother.
I also wish someone had told me that, most of the time, you don’t have to keep the baby awake to eat unless his weight gain is really flagging. If they fall asleep and keep suckling, chances are soon enough you’ll have another let down and babies do just fine swallowing in their sleep. Such good multi-taskers they are!
I am grateful I had a midwife who was willing to prescribe me Diflucan for a yeast infection (thrush) that got into–yes, inside of–my milk ducts. Apparently, many doctors don’t even believe this can happen, but let me tell you, if you have stabbing pain like hot knives going straight through your whole torso, it is probably not just sore nipples or bad latch–you probably need a prescription antifungal. Classic mastitis, on the other hand, contrary to popular belief (including among many doctors and midwives) can be cause by mere “milk stasis” and doesn’t always require an antibiotic even if you have fever; with rest, very frequent nursing, and ibuprofen you may find you don’t need one.
Anyway, that is the sum of my lactation-related gleanings. I just wanted to chime in because this is SUCH a helpful post and I hope many many new mothers read it!
Alya says
Sarah, I’m so glad you mentioned thrush in the milk ducts (intraductal thrush). I also went through this and it took forever to figure out what was going on. I kept getting plugged ducts and had mastitis several times as well. I kept asking for help at the hospital and would keep getting the same advice of “take a warm shower, massage your breast, etc.” but the awful pain continued despite my baby latching on correctly. Finally I read online that thrush in the ducts is possible. When I brought this up at the hospital, the doctor didn’t even know about this and had to ask one of the midwives if this is what I might have. I finally felt some relief after taking Diflucan, but my baby was almost nine months by that time.
As for the near-constant plugged ducts and recurring mastitis, what helped tremendously was taking lecithin supplements. Again, noone at the hospital had mentioned this to me, I happened to run across this information online. After starting the lecithin, I never had another plugged duct for the rest of the time I nursed my baby.
I am now nursing baby #2 and always have the lecithin on hand. Nursing has been so much more enjoyable this time around and if I ever develop the awful stabbing breast pain again, I will know to ask for Diflucan ASAP.
Rebecca Z says
I laughed so much at this whole post because of how true it is.
Sarah says
Thank you for this lovely post. I always think of what a dear friend said to me when I mentioned feeling awkward at nursing in public. She was pregnant with her first child at the time, and said “we need to nurse in public, so that more people see it as a normal thing.” Somehow thinking that I was doing it for the team, so to speak, made a big difference. And, I remember so well realizing, when my daughter was a few months old, how much more skilled we were at nursing! And we were lucky enough to have a wonderful doula and grandmother (my mother) who took breastfeeding as a given. It’s a skill: for both mother and child.
Laura says
I was told with my first baby that if you are doing it right, “it won’t hurt” and when i said it hurt, the midwife told me to break the suction and re-latch him, and when it would take 20 minutes to achieve a latch, that was so frustrating…and discouraging and so I ended up pumping for 6 months and feeding him my milk in a bottle. I look back now and wish she had just said, “It’s going to hurt a bit for a little while, but in a few weeks it’ll get better” and , maybe I wouldn’t have done the bottle at all. I didn’t really nurse #2 at all past months due to how discouraged I had been with #1. But with #3, I we decided that I HAD to nurse, b/c formula wasn’t in the budget and WIC wasn’t an option… and we finally figured it out. And #4 and #5 were nursed too. With #5 however, he wasn’t gaining weight and we had a pediatrician who wasn’t aware of how protective/aggressive nursing mommas can be ABOUT nursing and she was pressuring us to put him on formula… AND I cracked, bled, and had thrush… so painful! She claimed I must not have any fat in my milk and told me to eat ice cream… idiotic… my lactation consultant was like ,” what planet is she from????” So, I pumped for a month or so to give baby a couple ounces once a day in the evening, and slowly his weight came up. More than that I was afraid that he would eventually reject the breast since a bottle is so much easier. Also, I don’t know if anyone else noticed this, but I think he wasn’t gaining weight b/c he had a ton of meconium in his bowels. It took a full MONTH of pooping before his poo was the right seedy, mustard, yellow b/f baby poop.
Ngofamilyfarm says
Oh how I needed to read this (and your previous post) three babies ago 😉 No matter – I was stubborn and stuck to my instincts, so I came to figure it out! There is so much encouragement in what you’ve written here. I experienced most all of the naysaying/eyebrow-raising/admonishing mis-advice you mention. I definitely did not have this collective wisdom within my family, but luckily nursing was the norm in my husband’s large family so I never felt awkward or had to justify anything to them. I hope I will be a source of encouragement for a young mother some day!
-Jaime
elizabeth k says
My first (of 3) – it took me a good 6 weeks to secure our bf/nursing relationship. My older sister was instrumental in supporting me via phone (and no Skype in ’96) and when she came to visit with her son (about the same age) and comfortably bf in public — so did I. Oh – to have a bf partner to always go out in public with 😉 My second child was a breeze – pure bliss, but unfortunately I don’t remember many details as I suffered severe ppd (did not know what the hockey puck happened to me – nor did my husband & doc was no help–and this was year 2000!) — I actually thought you were going to write about PPD (would you/could you?) Our gift of our 3rd son came when I was 44 and boy, did the whole bad birthing experience stunt me. The OB was awful –won’t go in to all that, and the nurses would n o t let up on me that I was doing everything wrong, my breasts were old (really, it felt that way…) and I was starving my baby, they said he had jaundice and would need to take him to the nursery. I had never had my other sons apart from me at hospital! I tried at home, somewhat successfully – returned to see a lactation consultant — useless/no advice. I used a nipple shield and the tubing. I still do not know what went awry… I finally pumped — for 15 months. We moved to Europe when he was 5mo for a year — and I pumped everywhere, planes, trains, bathrooms, museums, boats, cars…
I don’t regret a moment of it though I have sadness when I think of the whole experience. Thank you for writing about this MOST important gift we are given. I do know how very, very hard it can be and do know not to give-up without a very hard fight. Oh – I have been there.
Jessica Archuleta says
Thank you for this post! I just had baby number nine and I always struggle with nursing. Your advice and encouragement are wonderful and much needed!
Thanks again!
Jessica
Tamara @ This Sacramental Life says
For all the many reasons I love LMLD, this sentence might go at the top of the list: “I’m trying to maintain the collective memory, not create a religion.”
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Ashley says
Thank you for writing this! My almost-two-year-old and I started out nursing relationship in the NICU (he was a preemie) and have been through plenty of this and that. But I love that you say “assume that he needs to be nursed.” That was always our answer for just about everything and, frankly, still usually is the answer. These days it isn’t that he needs to be nursed because he’s hungry or thirsty (although sometimes that is it) but that he needs that comfort and focus. He’s busy, I’m busy, and any time he is crying or throwing a tantrum, usually nursing can fix it for both of us.
Kaitlin @ More Like Mary says
You are a gift to motherhood! I’m sending this to my pregnant sister right away.
Madeleine says
Maybe it’s too obvious to mention, but I was extremely grateful I had bought a tube of lanolin nipple goop (not quite gel, not quite paste) before my baby arrived. During the first couple months, and occasionally thereafter, I had to slather my nipples regularly to prevent cracking. Breastfeeding was painful (mildly for me compared to the birth, though I’ve heard other women say the opposite), but moisturizing made it much easier. It’s good to use lanolin because it’s OK if the baby consumes some.
Karen says
Wonderful post! Just the other night, I was thinking about my first experience breastfeeding, and about the misleading advice that I received from the “experts” and lactation consultants. I was so nervous with nursing my first and very discouraged by how painful it was! I kept hearing that if it hurts, I must be doing it wrong. I was a nervous wreck for the first week and became somewhat depressed. Thank goodness for my mother! She advised me to stick with it (she raised me to always try something for 3-6 weeks before making any changes or giving up). I struggled through, and after the first week it got a little bit better. By the sixth week, I didn’t have any pain and I was beginning to really enjoy the experience. By six months, I was a “pro” and had grown to LOVE nursing. Leila, your advice about 1 week, 6 weeks, and 6 months is absolutely correct! I just wish the experts would be honest and up-front about first experiences with nursing: it may hurt (a lot!) at first, but in most cases things will settle down and become easier with time. Are they afraid of scaring off first- time moms? It was much easier with my 2nd and 3rd babies, mostly because I was relaxed and confident, and I knew that the initial soreness would go away. I have nursed all three of my children well into toddlerhood and it’s been such an amazing experience. I am so fortunate to have a supportive mom and mother-in-law. They both nursed their children during the late 70’s, when bottle-feeding was still the norm. In fact, my mother was the only one of her sisters and friends to nurse her babies and the only support she got was from her pediatrician. I encourage all new moms to stick with it, it will get easier, and it will be one of the best experiences of your life!
Logan says
I thought I’d chime in with my experiences birthing and breastfeeding in West Africa. Here is a much more mother/baby friendly culture than in the U.S. and that has been a treasure to experience. I think it could be helpful for us to learn from cultures that haven’t totally lost the collective memory about raising children.
After I gave birth, there was an expectation that I would not even get out of bed for the first two weeks (they say traditionally it was the first month). People were shocked when after the first week I came and sat out in my living room to greet a friend who came to meet the baby. Also, a woman usually wouldn’t go out of the house with the baby for the first few months. This is mostly for the health of the baby and there are many reasons for this and some that don’t apply to our lifestyles in America, think better hygiene, etc. But I think this practice also serves to help the mother rest and recuperate.
Neighbors traditionally bring gifts of food to the mother and family. Here that is a much bigger deal because take-out is not a thing; neither are freezer meals.
People don’t cover up nursing and often breasts are highly exposed. This is in an otherwise very modest culture! People will come and look closely at the baby nursing and praise his appetite and pat him. Women will even pat my breast as I nurse him. People are always considerate of a woman who needs to nurse her baby and some will offer a stool for me to sit on if I’m out and about and they hear the baby fussing.
There aren’t breast pumps, people can’t afford formula, there aren’t lactation consultants, and amazingly there aren’t any problems! Everyone just nurses and expects to nurse. I think that it’s because they see it all the time and they know what to do. Going on that thought, when I lived in America I wanted to nurse without a cover because I found them hard to negotiate, but I tended to use them because people seemed uncomfortable when I didn’t use one. However, I think that it is important for everybody to actually see what’s going on because that’s how this particular skill is learned. I think that modesty is important but after being here I wonder if being overmodest about breastfeeding is actually a disservice to the common good? Is it even actually immodest to show your breast while breastfeeding? Since that is just what happens. I can’t help but notice the bikini pictures are starting to trickle into my facebook feed and I find it interesting to see that it’s socially acceptable to expose much of the breast in these suits but to show the breast fuctioning in its most essential purpose is seen as “disgusting” by much of society.
http://www.churchpop.com/2014/08/10/31-beautiful-paintings-of-mary-nursing-the-baby-jesus/
Shannon says
This is so perfect. Thank you! I had so many people in my life who unknowingly tried to sabotage the nursing experience with our first (saying all the things you mention!). If it wasn’t for a dear friend, I wouldn’t have persevered as much as I did. This encourages me as I look ahead to our second baby’s arrival in the next few weeks. Wonderful!
Abby says
“If you ever, God forbid, have to go to the hospital for some reason, there it will be and your husband can get it down. “. It happens! I had appendicitis when my first daughter was three weeks old. There I was bent over double in pain frantically reading the instructions and sterilizing my hand held pump while my husband tracked down a new neighbor/friend we’d just met at church to keep the baby so we didn’t have to take her to the ER with us. That little hand held pump has been perfect for us for the occasional date night, plugged ducts and a second trip to the ER for me a few weeks after my third was born. (I think I need to be much more serious about resting until that six week mark.)
Geena Harrington says
I am due to have my first on Friday. This is just another reassurance for me 🙂 and so well written! Thank you!
Gina says
This is wonderful, I love everything you have said and totally agree. I listened to everything others were saying with my first baby and ended up bottle feeding. But with my third I did what I felt I should and nurse, nurse, nurse and everything is coming together perfectly now. I wish someone would of told me all of this before I had my first 🙂
Helena says
Just noticed a stunning statistic from the NHS (UK) that only 1/100 women in Great Britain breastfeed after 6 months. At all. And this is in a country with very long maternity leaves (by US standards). Having exclusively nursed my first three until 9 months (versus the bitter and tearful experience with my preemie NICU twins of first pumping then using formula after they unable to figure it out), I must say that bottle-feeding, sterilization, refrigeration, late-night trips to the store, paraphernalia, etc. is way more work than nursing!
Couldn’t agree more with the commenter above who praises third-world methods of nursing versus first-world phobias. And this applies to the broader sense of “nursing” as it took South American low-tech kangaroo care to prove to American hospitals that mothers (or women, even men) holding babies against their skin is … shock… good for babies.
Ashley says
Auntie Leila, I love you! You nailed it. I struggled to figure out a lot of this when my daughter was born a couple of years ago. Thankfully we figured out nursing, but I was always worried about what I was doing. It has taken me months to learn to trust myself, to trust the baby, and ultimately to trust God. I still struggle with all three but I’m working on it.
I would love to hear your thoughts on what to do with children once their older. Right now my daughter is 23 months old, and I’m never quite sure what to do with her. Am I supposed to be doing structured lessons or activities with her? Right now, she hangs out with me and helps out with whatever I’m doing. We read, she plays, we go on walks, but I can’t help but feel like kids in preschool are getting more intellectual stimulation.
megan says
You have done my heart good. Thanks for this- I could never have written it so convivially but it is everything I have ever wanted to share. This is a winner for the collective memory.
Mary says
This is great! I am thankful that I took a breastfeeding class and had the Womanly Art of Breastfeeding to help me when I was starting out (just about a year ago–my son will be ONE on Saturday!). Both seemed to say to simply nurse on demand and don’t worry about anything else. I didn’t know too many people who successfully exclusively breastfed for too long, so I’m glad that I had some trusty resources and a husband who is supportive and took a couple weeks off to be there for us.
My older sister (no kids of her own) was concerned that I was feeding too much (insisted he had gas and that’s why he was fussy) and my midwife and the baby’s doctor also advised me against breastfeeding for more than 20 minutes at a time. I stuck with my gut though and just fed him when he seemed to want it, for as long as he wanted and thankfully no issues were had! Easier said than done, of course, but it did get easier after a few weeks and I am grateful I stuck through and am still able to nurse him.
megan w says
I wish I had read this before my baby was born at the beginning of June. I was so stressed and breastfeeding was awful and I just wanted to quit so many times. This post brought me to tears. I heard all of these reasons why not to nurse my baby and I fell for them all and felt like such a horrible mother. She would cry and my “helpers” wouldn’t let me have her because they were too busy being “helpful” by letting me rest. But all I was doing was aching inside because my baby needed me and I couldn’t hold her it nurse her. Never again!! Next time I’m not letting anyone help…
Leila says
Aw, Megan, I’m so sorry. That stinks. I think that you just have to make it clear that you would love help — with the cleaning and cooking and the toddler (who, don’t forget, you will have next time! 🙂
The best thing is to have your husband understand exactly how you feel, have him read this post, and be firm. Tell them that if they interfere with the baby or radiate negativity, you will ask them to leave. You need help. Just not that kind of help.
Anamaria says
Thank you for this post! With my first, I knew to fed on demand but didn’t really know what that meant and had a few unhelpful “helpers,” which resulted in a few months of trouble and weight worry- from the same people, including my (old) pediatrician, who said to wait longer in between feeding! And time feeding! ! I ignored them at that time as she was not gaining weight and I knew that didn’t make sense, but the mistakes of those earlier days certainly affected my supply, and I was kind of bullied into pumping which I didn’t want to do…. but it seemed stubborn enough to resist formula that was being pushed.
(Thankfully things got straightened out without permanent damage and we had a happy nursing relationship until just under 18 months, when I was pregnant again. Still, it makes me sad to think of.)
Anyway, this time I did this! I nursed her if she was fussy at all! It’s been MUCH better, along with everything else this time around. I’ve had some oversupply, even! (which has created its own problems but we are working them out.) So thank you for this advice, I’m glad I had it by the time I had my second and am passing it along to my sister and any friends who are having their first.
RubberChickenGirl says
I have to say I was the dreaded old-fashioned clock watcher. I nursed approx every 2 1/2 -3 hours early on and was up to every 4 hours as soon as the baby was ready. I for one was thankful for the concept as my babies all slept through the night at between 6 and 12 weeks old. I needed them to sleep and it was truly a God-send to approach my babies this way when Demand feeding was literally the *only* approach I could find anywhere including the World Health Organization. I am a person who is only a semi-“good person” with about 10 hours of sleep. Demand feeding and babies that didn’t sleep through the night for years on end was not gonna work for me. I would be delirious and bumping into walls by week 6….and just in the nick of time, before I would be ready for a white padded room, they would sleep through. I wonder how much this extreme sleep deprivation contributes to post partum depression. Sleeplessness does cra things to people. People, including babies, need a lot of things and not just feeding. With my five, the next biggest need of babies after nursing is sleeping. I am a big believe in lying low and not stressing immature nervous systems out with too much activity and my 5 babies were happy as a result. I find it is all in knowing your baby, accommodating your own needs for sanity’s sake, being flexible within a somewhat rigid system worked best for me. I really don’t get the approach that all fussing is about hunger. Babies can be stressed, over-stimulated,tired, hot, cold, bored, lonely, uncomfortable, ill, wet, poopy, stuffy nosed etc. And hungry. But not just hungry. I remember a dear friend who was demand feeding saying when we both had our firstborns in 1991, “I feel so hurt when she doesn’t want to nurse.” Her baby was extremely fussy and my friend kept trying to nurse her and she just wasn’t wanting it. I thought it was so weird to A. Force the issue and B. Take it personally. Later with subsequent babies her motto became “Fussy babies go to bed!” Amen. (well fed and dry, of course) My conclusion: If you can go on NO sleep and be a happy, well-adjusted person, by all means demand feed. For the rest of us weak people, we need something else.
~RCG
Leila says
RCG — I’m speaking here of a newborn and the postpartum period. It’s always amazing to me how experienced moms are among the first to forget how exhausting this time is, how much rest it requires. To speak of “demand” or “schedules” ratchets up the anxiety, and new moms need to be freed from that.
Here on the blog I have many, many suggestions for how to organize life and find the rhythm. I’m just about as pro-sleep as a person can be! But in those first few weeks, getting to know baby and resting are paramount.
Lauren smith says
Two thoughts. None of my babies slept through the night until they were years old. I had to cosleep to get sleep. Problem solved. Sleep through nursing most of the time!
Second, your comment about your friend trying to nurse a fussy baby reminds me exactly of my comment below about elimination communication. The baby will act like they want to nurse, and then when you offer, baby will fuss more and latch on and off, squirming around. They need to pee or poop. Nursing on demand is great because it allows you to communicate better with baby just like this- things I would have missed if not nursing. But so many mms do not know how to explain the behavior because they are unaware that other cultures potty their babies. I did the same hing with my oldest. He cried at the breast all the time. One time he was crying and crying and I tried taking his diaper off to change him and he peed. I thought he had a uti. Took him to the doctor but he said negative. He contined to fuss all the time,e because of this. After I used EC with my other two kids I put the pieces together, and felt really bad he was trying to tell me and I just didn’t know at the time. It is a very common nursing behavior but the wisdom behind it had been lost.
Lindsay says
I have one major complaint with this 😉 Change the baby *before* you nurse him at night. He drifts off to sleep while nursing and then so do you… It’s magical 🙂
Maranda Bower @ Serenity Grows says
THIS!!! This is exactly why I wrote the book. Like literally, I just published the book on breastfeeding; powerful stories of women sharing the truth on breastfeeding. The beauty + the perils. We cover sooo many similar points so it’s kind of mute to tell you it’s a great article. LOL I’d love to connect with you though! Let’s collaborate!
Lauren smith says
Thank you so much. This is absolutely one of the most wonderful posts on nursing to a newborn baby’s mother I have seen. I wish it was mandatory reading! I struggled with my kids in the beginning because I had no support- and I had to learn all of this and more through trial and error, but fortunately did learn it!
The only thing I would like to add is this: one of the things I learned is that babies will often cry and fuss at the breast (popping on and off, crying, arching their backs, trying to relatch, repeat repeat) because they have to eliminate (pee/poop). You mentioned changing diapers before and after but do t forget that a lot of babies have to go during a feed. A lot of women will get confused by this behavior. They think the baby doesn’t want to nurse anymore. They will think they are out of milk. They will think something is wrong. They will stop nursing for that feeding and start ignoring cries because they don’t know what to do, or thin they have no milk, or they will wean so they follow he “rules”.of bottle feeding to help the, feel like they are doing things right. Please know this is normal and baby just has to potty. After they go- and they may need help going- they will settle down. Having to eliminate also is a cause for night waking and other than dehydrating baby nothing can prevent it! This is how I came to use elimination communication with two of my babies and they were using a toilet at ages 6 weeks and 4 weeks old.
Between learning how to nurse truly on demand and using elimination communication, this solved all babies fussing except teething phases. I could have prevented a lot of crying and fussing with my first baby had I known what to look for and how to help. So many moms just start ignoring because they don’t know what to do!