To see the previous post in this series, click here.
At LMLD, we want to encourage brides and brides-to-be to focus on the vocation of marriage rather than what can become the utter insanity of wedding planning and veritable flood of material things.
However, the vocation of marriage does involve material things. It doesn't make sense to overlook them entirely.
You see, I have encountered those who think that the vocation or spiritual aspect of marriage actually precludes caring about material details… to the point that it seems wrong to them to set up a wedding registry.
I do understand this position, especially as a reaction against what, frankly, can be greed on display in a tidy and teal-bow-packaged published list of requests for stuff. “Remind us,” we might think, “why the fact that you're getting married means you get to ask us to give you specific stuff? Isn't it enough that we're going to set aside time to come to your party, sometimes traveling a fair distance to do so?” Seen from a certain light, this certainly seems selfish on the part of the happy couple.
I want to make a case, however, for the value of the wedding registry.* And it has everything to do with the true vocation of marriage.
On a very practical note, our culture now has a strong custom of gift-giving at weddings (the registry as we know it dates back to the 1920s). Most wedding guests want to give a gift. Setting up a registry is, more often than not, a service to your guests. They want to know your needs and desires, and they themselves need a guide as to what your taste is, what you've already been given, and what you need.
If, in the 21st century, you decide not to set up a registry, that in itself is not a sufficient signal that you don't want or need anything. Your guests will still come bearing gifts, they're just more likely to be gifts that don't coordinate with each other, that were confusing for your guests to purchase, and that you will later wish you could exchange for other, more useful things.
The fact that your guests want to bring gifts is a sign of what your marriage is actually all about. It's not because you are owed the world on your “special day.” It's because your marriage not only good for you, it's good for those around you, too. It is your gift to the community and the community's gift back to you is to provide you with support, both spiritual and material. It goes both ways – because marriage is a public institution.
Guests show their support by giving gifts… (and by dancing in the conga line). Photo credit: Ashley Landgraf
When you publicly make vows to your spouse to love and honor til death do you part, you are promising him and the community that you will embark on the mission of family life, which is not a task to be undertaken in a vacuum.
You need witnesses because this matter is not just between the two of you. Your loved ones gather to bear witness to the beginning of a new household, a new family, a new unit of society.
You are committing to be stable, to make a home, to bring forth new life. They are providing the context for that commitment. You are vowing to take part in and be true to the most elemental and important institution for the flourishing of mankind. They are reciprocating with gestures of thanks and solidarity in light of such an important choice.
Your guests know – on some level – that they need you and your mission. Without brave, starry-eyed couples to take on this mission, where would we be as a society? And you know – or at least you ought to know – that you need them to help you persevere in this mission.
When they witness to your wedding and bring you a gift, they are investing in your future and the future of the community.
The reception, with its meal and celebration, is your way of sharing your joy and showing gratitude. Your guests' gifts are their way of saying, “thank you, and we're here for you.”
In a way, it could be selfish to decline the gifts they want to give you, the gifts that are a sign of how they're in this with you and want to see to it that you're off to a good start.
I am a big fan of my immersion blender set, which I use frequently and – bonus! – comes in lots of fun colors. Source: Amazon.
So the material goods that are part of the marriage celebration are a very fitting accompaniment to the unseen aspects of the wedding. They flesh out the big picture that the wedding is about more than just the “big day,” it's about a whole lifetime together and future lifetimes that will arise from the marriage. A set of attractive dishes means, “may meals in your home nourish body and mind.” A gift of bedding says “may your home be a place of comfort and rest.” And gift of candlesticks means, “may your home be a place of warmth and hospitality.”
All these things come back full circle to the good of the community: the gifts help to set you up to be not just a couple, but a household that will benefit friend and stranger, someday perhaps welcoming in a time of need the very people who were there on your wedding day to get you started in the first place.
Now, of course, if you are approaching your marriage badly, not actually committed to it being permanent, or life-giving, then a wedding registry really is quite selfish. I can't see any reason why your community should make sacrifices to invest in a relationship which doesn't promise to be for the good of society; I don't even know why they'd want to come to your wedding. The whole idea behind this give-and-take between the couple and all their loved ones is predicated upon the faithful, life-giving, institutional nature of marriage.
Some gifts go beyond the registry. Our dear friend Annie set out the squares to a quilt she made for us in our wedding colors, and it functioned as our guest book. Later, she assembled it and sent it to us as a complete quilt; we still enjoy spreading it out and reading it over. Photo credit: Ashley Landgraf
All that being said, here are some (hopefully) helpful dos and don'ts when it comes to registering:
1. Do register for gifts that will be useful in the long run. Remember, you are planning on being with your spouse until death parts you; plan on furnishing your home with things that will last at least a good bit of the way. Don't have your guests buy you something that is going to serve you well for a year or two and then give out/become too small/break/be hopelessly dated. Better to receive one gift of high quality (friends can always go in on something together!) than three cheap ones.
2. Do form your registry with a sense of what is appropriate to your way of life. One genuinely selfish way to approach a wedding registry might be to ask for things that are far out of your price range and that of your guests. Now, some guests are able to contribute more than others and different communities have different standards. So there's no one-size-fits-all on this one. It's for you to determine what things you need in order to set up a home that is both practical and modest and hospitable and beautiful. If you would never ever get it for yourself because it simply doesn't fit the kind of life you and your spouse will lead, then it probably isn't suitable to ask someone else to get it for you.
This Lodge Logic skillet will be in it for the long haul, in sickness and in health.
3. Don't make your registry too generic. If you register only for the very simplest of basics – all white towels, glass dishes, and stainless steel appliances – your guests won't have a sense of your style (unless you really do want to be surrounded only by white and steel, in which case I don't know what to tell you). Try to include at least a few things that give a hint towards your favorite colors, motifs, and patterns. Most people will be more excited about buying you something basic along with something a bit more personal and exciting, so let your registry give them a sense of what sorts of other things you'd like too (lest you end up with their sense of personal instead of your own).
Pro tip: the Mother of the Bride or Maid of Honor (or some other person who will be in contact with guests) can also facilitate by telling friends and family more about your tastes if you're not able to represent them thoroughly on your registry.
4. Do register for things that will make your home hospitable and help you give back to your community. Every item should go directly or indirectly towards hospitality. Some may object to couples registering for fine china; but it's the fine china that they will use to serve meals to others at holidays. High-quality pillows for the master bedroom might not immediately bring service to others to mind — but husband and wife should get a good night's sleep in an honored place, and better that they be provided those things as a gift than that they don't have a proper bed or pay repeatedly for cheaper goods over the long run. If you can't see a way that the item will help your home be a gift to your family and others, don't add it to the list.
Whatever you do, don't forget the quintessential ice cream scoop!
5. Don't fall for the “honeymoon registry.” We strongly recommend against the recent trend to register for “experiences.” There is a very real risk, with many couples marrying later and, for a variety of reasons, not having much need for the community's support as far as home furnishing goes, that the bride and groom might lose sight of the point of the registry. Chances are very good that you will receive some amount of cash among your wedding gifts, and of course you can designate that money for whatever you want, including your honeymoon. Family and friends should support and encourage you getting away on a honeymoon, but let their gift/financial contributions be towards your household.
A modest registry, no matter your state of life:
Modesty is relative. Anyone can be greedy or stingy, no matter their income. What constitutes appropriate gift requests in your circle of loved ones may be very different from what is appropriate in mine. But no matter your place in life, recall that the registry is about your community setting you on your way to make a household and a family that will give back.
If you're starting off with nothing, as, say, fresh college graduates who've never had to furnish spaces of your own, consider focusing on high-quality basics. It would be a mistake to come away from your wedding with lots of crystal and china for which you don't have a use, and find you have nothing to cook with or sit on. Yes, ask for some special-occasion things that your family can enjoy always and you can pass on to your children, but remember your current needs, too!
Duralex Picardie tumblers have served our families well over the years. The tempered glass doesn't break under usual conditions of even large numbers of rowdy children.
If you're already well-equipped, and have basic needs of bed and board covered, consider requesting items that will enhance your home, but don't go overboard. Gift cards to favorite stores might be a good option for your guests. If you find that there is very little that you need or want, keep your registry brief and perhaps suggest a favorite charity for a donation option.
A $759.95 “reclaimed rustic chicken coop” is probably pushing it. Source: Williams Sonoma
If you're more than comfortable, consider making a clear statement along with your invitations that gifts are not necessary and suggest a favorite charity for a donation option. I like this option because it balances a desire for modest living with an appreciation for the role that gifts play at a wedding celebration; donations can be made in honor of the event of your wedding.
And now a question for our married readers: what was your favorite gift that you registered for? What has served you the best over the years of your marriage, that you'd recommend to a young bride that she register for?
Wedding guests: do you have a go-to gift that you find is always a good choice and well appreciated by brides and grooms? Do tell!
——–
*Now, I admit that, for a while, I was not 100% on top of my own wedding registry. It wasn't high on my priority list while wedding planning, and it was only at the persistent instigation of my dear friend and bridesmaid Lauren that I finally got mine started at last. I can still remember her saying over the phone, “Dee! You need to register!” And I pretty much laughed her off until she made a trip to come see me and sit down with me and the laptop to get going.
Nonetheless, I did appreciate that it was a good idea and that there were good reasons behind it. Once I got it started, I actually enjoyed the process. I didn't want to commit to one particular store and I didn't have the time for much window shopping.
So it worked well for me to set up an account on MyRegistry.com and do all of my registering online (Amazon was one of my major sources, and I enjoyed researching through reviews for opinions on the best kitchen equipment, etc.). I think the one item that I did research in person was silverware, because the weight and feel of it in my hand mattered to me.
If you have similar criteria to mine, I recommend MyRegistry as a good way to go. [As a caveat – if you do go with MyRegistry or another universal registry – have plans for how you will explain it to your older guests. To me and to my peers it was straightforward, but to some folks from previous generations, it was confusing.]
Suki and I were setting up our registries around the same time (you'll recall that we were married three weeks apart from each other), so we were able to compare notes. And Rosie gave us all the tips from her experience and her recommendations for items. I do suggest that, if you are setting out to make your registry, you talk to someone who has done it in the recent past to get her advice, maybe even looking at her registry as a spring-board for your own.
Next in {pretty, happy, real weddings}:
Timeline of the Indispensable Bridesmaid
Previously in this series:
Google Docs Bride: the Virtual Guest List
The Wholesome, Good-Times Reception
How to get the Wedding Reception you Really Want
LJ says
Some friends of mine registered for truly lovely religious artwork for their home – it was a fabulous choice! Especially if you’re young and staying in a succession of bare white apartments – lovely art of The Last Supper or other beautiful scenes make all the difference in creating a home!
b says
We did an Amazon registry, but since we traveled to my grandparents’ location on the other side of the US for our wedding (they weren’t able to come to us), we actually asked for money for savings. It was complicated enough to ship the few pieces of wedding gear that we needed back and forth, and would have been really costly to have to ship gifts as well.
Pippi says
We had a similar situation. We were getting married where I grew up but we live half a continent away. My husband family lives in yet another place and his extended family are across an ocean. We registered so people who wanted to get us gifts could but it was really pretty tricky considering that there were 3+ countries involved. In the end my aunt told my mother, “you know — this is too complicated. I’m going to tell everyone that should just give money!” And that’s what most people did. Considering that we live in the 2nd most unaffordable city for housing in the world that was a real help for a down payment! 10 years of saving later we’re finally able to look for a house and when we finally have our own home I’ll be able to look around it and know our family and friend’s generosity that helped us get there.
Gabi Reczek says
In the past five years, or so, I’ve started to give a cake stand. It’s something I wish I had had earlier in my marriage. I love your thoughts. Thanks!
Jamie says
Me too! I still don’t have a cake stand!
Tarynkay says
We did not register. My husband and I were 22 when we got married, but I think we just felt like we didn’t need anything. I mean, we had nothing. We were utterly broke. We had maybe $500 and a 1984 Toyota Camry between us. But we couldn’t imagine what we would do with wedding gifts. We had no idea where we would end up living and didn’t want to hauling or storing things. His grandmother also moved into assisted living just before our wedding and gave us all of the household goods we needed (with the generous and welcome directive to just pass them on when we wanted to.) A lot of people gave us money, which was very helpful. We used it securing an apartment. This was just before 9/11/01 so finding jobs took a little time. We definitely did use that apartment extensively for hospitality, if that helps you feel better about our lack of Cuisinart-related registering.
My favorite gifts were a handmade quilt from my best friend, an embroidered Christmas tablecloth that my grandmother made for us, and a painting that my husband’s grandmother did for us.
Carolyn says
I loved getting a Nativity set for our wedding. Our wedding was in November and that set helped to make our 1st Christmas beautiful!
Maureen says
We also got a beautiful Nativity set for our wedding from parents of close friends. It is one of the gifts that stands out in my mind and I love thinking of them every Christmas as I set it on the mantle.
Robyn says
We also were married in November and received a lovely nativity from my husband’s mother, sisters and grandmother. It was one of our most precious gifts!
Deirdre says
Carolyn, we received a few lovely nativity scenes, and I agree that that is an awesome gift! It’s one that never occurred to me before we got ours. But it really is one of those things that makes a home, isn’t it!
abby hummel says
I felt such pressure to keep things “affordable” on my registry and then… after several moves and six years I have replaced the majority of those kitchen gadgets. New coffee grinder, immersion blender, regular blender, etc. If you cook a lot, REGISTER FOR NICER SMALL APPLIANCES. I know certain people made big sacrifices for those $40 appliances, but it was such a waste to toss them in the trash and purchase new. I wish I had just requested fewer, nicer ones (we had just graduated from college with only a bread knife and a few plastic tupperwares for kitchen gear) and then added to my collection as holiday gifts came.
I wish I had waited for a kitchenaid mixer, too. It’s likely that we will have 5 moves in the first 9 years of marriage. I sold it on Craigslist because we are in a tiny kitchen right now and anticipate having a more generous income (and the ability to replace it ourselves) in a few years. Oh well!
Register for nice stuff! Maybe not $400 for a stockpot, but get pots and pans that are nicer than $100/set if someone is buying them new. I’d rather have just one awesome frypan and one saucepan than cheapy extras. True frugality doesn’t always mean getting something cheaper, it means spending less over the long term, and when you have other people helping you out, it’s even easier to set a good precedent for your marriage.
Deirdre says
Agreed, Abby! Again, even college friends who don’t have big budgets can just pool together to get you things that will last!
Leila says
It’s rarely a good idea to get a “complete” set of pots and pans anyway. Usually they are not what you really want. Natasha agrees — and she is not only a stellar cook but worked at Williams-Sonoma when she was in college! Better to get a couple of high-quality pots and pans instead!
Caitlin says
This is SO true. Maybe it’s just a regional thing, but we always have groups of relatives “go in” together to get newlyweds bigger ticket items from their registry. So maybe that Kitchen Aid, while it looks like an outrageous request for one person to purchase, is more do-able for a few families to pool together. So we have a tradition in our family of registering for things that are at various pricepoints, so nobody feels intimidated but everyone knows full well that one person probably isn’t purchasing that $300 thing….
We actually received some nice luggage from one group, which was a great and very useful gift since we live a plane ride away from both families, and my husband travels for work several times a year. It is great and has lasted us for 8 years including a few international flights, which is a near miracle!
A beautiful family bible is also a nice gift!
Katie says
Can I ask which brand? I was given luggage as a high school graduation gift and now, a bit more than a decade later, wheels have finally broken. I can’t seem to find that particular brand to buy replacements. The luggage we bought my husband for his business travels, on the other hand, only lasted about 2 years. I wish we had just bought one or two solid suitcases rather than the cheaper 7-piece set. We are now in the process of replacing all of our luggage which I know will take some time, but I only want to buy high quality ones! This should at least save us some time and money in the future.
Heather says
A great gift that I received and have given is a nice set (a dozen or so) of cocktail plates. They sit permanently on our counter and function constantly as toast plates, spoon rests, dessert plates, everything! Ours are from Crate and Barrel.
Melissa D says
I wish I’d had someone tell me to register for double the number of place settings of my everyday china and ditch the super-special finer china, much as I love it. We have large families, and love to host for dinner, and I’d much rather have 16 matching settings of my nice white china than split them between 2 designs. (Or even 20, given our size.)
My favorite big practical gift was a KitchenAid mixer. Life-changing! My favorite small gift was “A Thousand Ways to Please a Husband” (the Bettina recipe book), the 1917 edition.
But I can’t believe I registered for a fondue set. Just…. don’t do it, unless you live in Switzerland.
abby hummel says
Though I really wanted a set of “fine china,” NO ONE in my husband’s family has any and he thought it was completely ridiculous to have two sets of dishes from the start. We compromised by choosing dishes that work for every day and finer dinners. I registered for LOTS of an affordable but nicer-than-Target everyday china that I fell in love with, with the intention to use it for everyday and big fancy events. I love the flexibility this gives me. If we break a bowl at dinner, we don’t necessarily HAVE to replace the pieces right away because I have lots of extras, and I am able to collect coordinating serving pieces without having to double on “every day” and “fancy.” I think it’s less work to have a big dinner if it’s not “pulling out the fine china” and I am extremely happy to think about lots of loved ones eating a big holiday dinner on these same beautiful plates we eat off every night. They are holding up so well and are just as attractive as the almost identical “fine china” my best friend registered for — and at $75/setting plus serving pieces, she may never have enough to serve a dinner on them in her lifetime!
I also have a full extra set of my silverware but I chose a slightly cheaper option… I don’t love it and will definitely consider upgrading in the future.
Robyn says
When we married 23 years ago, a dear aunt had a standard wedding gift of a card table and chairs. She had even given this gift to my husband’s parents when they married in 1961. We still have the chairs but the well-used table is long gone. I don’t have a standard gift, but love the idea of that one. I remember a co-worker gave us a waffle iron and an immersion blender, and because I didn’t start off our marriage as a cook I didn’t break them out of their boxes for about 5 or 6 years. Now I use them quite a bit.
Susan says
Some close friends got married recently after I’d been married for ten years. The bride was totally clueless and overwhelmed about a registry. She’d been living on her own for years but, as a single, had never gotten seriously into hospitality or cooking. I tentatively offered to do her registry for her and she was so happy and relieved. We talked for a few minutes about her general wishes and then I just took it from there. I actually think that my ten-year mark served me well because by then I had a sense of what things lasted for the long haul and how needs would change as children came along . . . but I wasn’t so removed from the process that I didn’t remember being newly married or how to work an online system or anything. I held my picks loosely, knowing that she would make a lot of changes–and she did. But it was easier for her to edit a master list (I put two sets of random sheets on there and she chose a pattern she actually liked, for example) than to start from scratch.
Deirdre says
Wow, Susan, that is an awesome gift to give someone! Taking a task like that off of a bride’s hands is huge (if that’s what she needs)!
Pam says
My mother strongly suggested I register for china. I didn’t see it as a high priority at the time but am so glad I did. It’s something I never would have bought for myself. I love using it for special occasions. The people who gave it as a gift provided our family with a lovely keepsake. On another note, we also registered for some camping equipment. We were new to camping but had gone several times with friends and knew we wanted to continue. After 21 years, we still use all the equipment (sleeping bags, cookware, cooler, etc).
Wanda says
Perfect!!!!! Well said my friend:)
Deirdre says
Thank you! 🙂
Nadine says
My sister’s regular gift is a kitchen garbage can filled with cleaning supplies. Boring, doesn’t last forever, but oh-so-useful for that first string of awful apartments. We still use the garbage can, 20 years later, although it has graduated to the workshop instead of the kitchen.
Deirdre says
A dear family friend gave me the SimpleHuman trash can on my registry, and I actually received it very fondly from her. She’s my mother’s peer with a big family of her own, and I thought it took a special connection to be the one to buy the trash can. I am SO glad I have a good trash can! haha
Valerie says
We got a SimpleHuman trash can and now I can see myself gifting one as a wedding present. This thing is a workhorse!
Julie says
We got a large bucket of cleaning supplies – I would have never have thought of that, but it was certainly needed and used.
Amelia says
We received a his and hers rosary,a nice bible and a crucifix. I thought that was the perfect gift! The funniest/most useful gift I received at my bridal shower was a fire extinguisher and a first aid kit! The lady who gave them said they were some of those things you don’t think about until you need one.
Emily says
We made the mistake of registering for some things that were “too cheap” and broke within the first year or two. I think that is an easy mistake to make when you’re just out of college, on a scrimping budget, and so are most of your friends. My grandmother encouraged (um, ordered!) me to add some higher end items that her friends would be comfortable purchasing, and I am so glad that we did! Nearly 12 years later the navy blue comforter whose price made me cringe, still graces our bed – beautiful and useful as the day it was given.
Leila says
Emily, I agree! Choose those special things for sure and put them on that list!
Katie says
I think this is excellent advice in the linens department. Somehow I was not convinced that really nice sheets were an appropriate registry item, but my husband prevailed and kept a luxurious set on our registry, and we received them from an older friend of the family. I’d never have spent that much on my own, not at 23 at least, but guess which sheets I asked for when my mother-in-law tidied the house in advance of us bringing our first baby home from the hospital? Extra-nice wedding gift = literally the spot in which I cradled and nursed my newborn in those first hours and days. I hadn’t thought of it in quite that way until this post; thanks, Deirdre.
Lina says
We were 32 and 42 when we married, so we didn’t need much of anything; besides which, most of our guests were raising young or large families of their own and it felt wrong to ask them to spend what little spare money they had on us. We requested that guests donate instead to a couple of causes – the FSSP or Little Flower (charity that does excellent work raising, healing and loving abandoned children in China), and many did so. I also made a small Amazon registry for those who really wanted to give a gift, and received a few items off that; some also used it successfully as a gauge for my taste in home goods and gave me items I hadn’t asked for but loved all the same. My favourite gifts, however, were: 1) a handmade quilt from an old family friend who sort of stood in for my deceased grandparents when I was a child; 2) my maternal grandmother’s tea set, brought across the country by one elderly aunt – it wasn’t fancy as they were dirt poor, just a mishmash of different patterns she’d collected over the years, but it meant a lot to me and I love the different cups; and 3) the wedding cake my sister-in-law made for us, which not only saved us the cost of buying one but was unique (not a sponge covered in white icing), memorable, and delicious.
Ellen says
More a bachelorette present than a wedding gift (though it works for both): a pregnancy test! Gets a good laugh every time, and occasionally some blushing and giggling :). And, if you’re a recent college grad going to multiple weddings a year (I think my record was 6 weddings in 6 weeks, followed closely by a second string of 11 weddings in 10 months), and wanting to give at least a little something at each one, it’s a more affordable option than many of the standard registry items.
Kate says
Before I married 28 years ago, my sister (my maid of honor) and I were in a mall shopping and, on a whim, popped into some department store to set up a wedding registry. I had no idea what I was doing and no guidance. I just walked around, chose items I liked and wrote on the form. Turned out I picked some pretty expensive stuff (I got exactly ONE plate from the pricey pattern I picked out). I felt very bad and would highly recommend more thought setting up a registry.
I appreciate the bride and groom having a registry because even if I don’t buy an item on their list, I can see what their taste and style is. I wanted to make an apron for my niece and by checking her kitchen choices I could tell what colors she liked and what style of pattern to choose. I also could check if someone else had bought the couple an item already and avoid duplicating it (I got five wine decanters and one of my sisters must have received a dozen platters).
When my nieces married last summer, I bought each of them a copy of “The Little Oratory.” For one niece I also included candlesticks, candles and embroidered linen to get her started on setting up her prayer corner in her new home. Next wedding I go to, I think I’ll do the same and also include a frame for the icons in the book. My husband’s best man gave us a hanging icon lamp as a wedding gift and it’s still lit daily in family prayers.
Donna L. says
Yes, I know how you feel! When we first heard about a registry, I was a bit confused. The lady who worked there said there were *only 7 pages* of items to look through. We picked out so many things, just because, but not things that would have stood the test of time. Later that night, I re-read everything we put down, and I was aghast! I called back and cancelled all but two pages. When I looked around in the store where we registered my Sweetie and I had carefully picked out a lovely pattern of china, not the most expensive–but still! We only received two settings…I was embarrassed and ashamed that I put it on the registry…I wish I had asked for Corelle…in white…which we have used since we began our family nearly 18 years ago…it goes with everything, handles a lot of use and I can still buy more!
My favorite gift was the fresh flowers for our wedding that my Mum bought. After 23 years of married life we still have the gorgeous cake plate {by Mikasa Maxima} that serves as our birthday cake plate and serving platter. Such a thoughtful gesture from a friend of the family!
Deirdre says
Thanks for mentioning TLO, Kate! 🙂
Tia says
I have to say the favorite thing we registered for was a Breville electric teakettle. It has been run thousands, or possibly tens of thousands of times in the 8 years of our marriage, and it still looks great and is going strong.
The best gift, however, was one we didn’t even ask for. One of my old housemates left a giant cast iron skillet on the pile of neatly wrapped gifts. He hadn’t wrapped it or left a card, and it was just a garage sale find that he’d refurbished. But oh my lord! We use that thing every single day, multiple times a day. And at least a few times a week while using it, I think of the person who bought it with a smile. It was the single-best wedding present we received. Just goes to show you don’t have to spend a lot of money or be fancy to give a wonderful gift.
Worst gift we registered for? C-clamps. I had the delusional notion that we were going to be handy. But alas, several years in and we still live in a teensy renters apartment, so all my grand visions of home improvement projects have yet to come to fruition.
Deirdre says
I tell ya – nothing like a good cast iron skillet! We use ours most days, too – we keep it out on the stove top because it’s in such frequent use and it’s easier to have it there than to pull it in and out of the cupboard (as you know if you’ve been reading my recent posts, my stove is not convenient to my storage…).
Susan (DE) says
I got a couple of special gifts from my grandmother and my great-uncle — old family silver pieces or a couple of special coins — they were special to me, and I am so happy to have them, though I admit, we’ve barely used them.
The most practical and best overall gift we got was our set of flatware — I knew I wasn’t the “silver type,” and we were very, very poor so it did seem excessive to request silver — but my husband’s aunts/uncles/grandmother all chipped in together to get high end stainless steel (Lunt). LOVE that stuff and use it again and again, for 3 1/2 decades! SUCH a great gift! His grandmother used to buy sterling silver for the cousins (who were virtually all older) — she couldn’t afford it by then, because the price of silver had skyrocketed. She felt really badly — would have bought us silver-plated, but I was enough of a “quality” person that I REALLY didn’t want it. But the stainless has been wonderful! I just wish I had thought to order a TWELVE-piece set, because eight seemed SO MUCH to me, but we have that many children!
On the other hand, my mother (married in the fifties) (and a little older at the time — in her thirties) said she was SO GLAD to have chosen her SILVER PATTERN. Her friends were apparently THRILLED to buy her the real silver in any amount, from a small spoon to a whole setting — she thought it was a GREAT thing to have done!
Our second-best present was probably the food processor my husband’s sister and brother went in on. Sister did the research via Consumer Reports, and bought what they said was the best (NOT Cuisinart, ahem) — and… she did so well! That food processor, not used daily, but often, lasted MORE THAN THIRTY YEARS! Wow. 🙂
Rachelle says
My own mother did something that I thought was quite sweet. She kept a list of all the wedding gifts that she received. Then, shortly after her 25th wedding anniversary, she went back through the list and noted all the items she was still using. She then sent a Thank You card to each of the people who gave her gifts that were still in use after 25 years of marriage. This was a lovely way to express appreciation for those long-lasting gifts!
Deirdre says
Rachelle, I could plan to do this, thanks to the guest list I wrote about in my last post! A very sweet idea.
Melissa D says
I love this!
Emily says
Wow, I love that idea! I do try to tell people when I see them that we’re still using X wedding gift or baby gift, and I do still have the spreadsheet where I noted it all down. I’ll have to remember this in another 13 years! =)
Amanda says
I have to say we failed miserably at the registry thinh because we were torn between our own discomfort with asking for gifts and our friends’ urgent requests for us to register asap. So we put down low quality and random things just so people had things to choose from.
I’ll definitely be passing on your wisdom to my children. Now as a wife of 8 years I realize how much we truly USE kitchen and bedroom things and I wish we’d registered for quality linens I’d be proud to have guests use, a nice comforter for our bed, high quality sheets, and a solid set of dishes from a better store than Target. We’re now having to replace all our Target dishes because they heat up overmuch and develop cracks and chips and are too bulky for our cabinets. If we’d had a proper mindset of our vocation as raising a family and providing a place for visitors to be welcomed we’d have registered for those things for sure.
Laura says
We received tons of bathroom towels. We still have 15 sets and only use about 6 of them at a time. I have used my kitchen aide mixer, my baking stone, and I use my food processor a lot too. Good quality brooms, mops, cleaning cloths etc might be a good idea. Basic tool set might be practical.
Deirdre says
I registered for a basic tool set and it absolutely has been extremely helpful in just our first three years of marriage. We haven’t had a place (like a garage) for many tools, but having the essentials around for fixing furniture or hanging artwork has been huge. I actually think that we might have gone for one that was slightly higher quality, because this one is coming apart a little. But for what it is, it’s made a big difference to us as newlyweds.
Keary says
My husband’s maternal grandmother passed away six months before our wedding. At our rehearsal dinner, my soon to be mother-in-law presented us with a gift. Inside was a lovely crocheted afghan. She then told us that shortly before her mother died, she had instructed my mother in law to retrieve the afghan from a chest and set it aside to give to us as a wedding present. My mother-in-law’s grandmother, her mother’s mother, had crocheted it shortly before she died, and her mother had saved it all these years, never using it. Our daughter played on it as a baby and toddler, and even now it graces our couch, reminding us of the those who are no longer with us.
Anne-Marie says
My favorite wedding presents to give are books. For anyone, a basic reference library for running the home: Cheryk Mendelson’s book on housekeeping, the Joy of Cooking, and a home maintenance/repair manual. For Catholic couples, Evelyn Birge Vitz’s cookbook “A Continual Feast” and Maria von Trapp’s “Around the Year with the Trapp Family.” Unfortunately, the latter is OOP and not always available.
And I usually give a fire extinguisher at bridal showers.
Anne-Marie says
Sorry, I forgot to say that I really like your thoughts on the “why” of registering and giving gifts.
Deirdre says
Thank you! And yes, a few essentials in the book department is a good idea! http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org/2013/12/cookbooks-in-life-syllabus-library/
Kathryn says
Oh dear. This is probably an inappropriate comment on such a lovely post, but a book can be a very useful gift in more than one way. A young relative snubbed us from her wedding – we were the only couple in a huge extended family not to receive an invitation – but I generously sent her a gift anyway: Emily Post’s Etiquette.
I often give books though, classics, especially at baby showers and children’s birthday parties.
Mary Eileen says
I love your advice to choose items that somehow, however proximately, are for hospitality or home-building. It’s a very true philosophical principle – but can also stop you from making unfortunate style choices you may regret as your mature and move houses! (maybe this one applies more to a younger bride/groom). Like weird crystal serving pieces or artsy fartsy silver decorative items that don’t now and will never have an honored place on one or your many (nonexistent) side/hall/entry tables that have no actual purpose. Not saying that beautiful, artistic items don’t make great gifts! Just saying…..hospitality and home building are good guidelines 🙂
Audrey says
Well it has already been mentioned, but I want to say getting a nice trash can for the kitchen turned out to be a really awesome gift!! I probably would have never felt like I could justify the $60 price tag, but it contains smells and is so easy to use and clean. We actually get compliments on it a lot and I always have to give credit to it as a wedding gift! I do hope that people who know the bride well (especially the artistic ones!) feel free to deviate from the registry too though; my most beloved gifts are wind chimes and a painting from my moms friend who was there at my birth. They have added joy and beauty to my home in a very special way that no registry item ever could have.
corina says
This wedding series is so good, Deirdre! I particularly love this installment because of the vision that supports the party and the gift giving. I think it is very important and I admit that I didn’t have it when I got marry, 8 years ago. Here in Italy the established custom was to have a nice registry (lista nozze), but lately some couples switched to money or funding for the honeymoon trip (usually a trip around the world in some exotic places). In Romania people give money as a rule, and some give gifts, but there’s no registry. So having had two wedding parties, we did a small registry and the money thing. The gifts I most appreciate and use are the food processor, the slicer (for prosciutto, speck, bresaola or slicing the roastbeef), the high quality bedding and some good quality sets of towels that I use when we have guests staying with us. I do think I made a mistake in not registrying for one nice set of china, some high quality pots and pans and a KitchenAid, but I had no idea at the time about what it is needed to make a home.
corina says
Ups, I meant 7 years ago!
Deirdre says
Thanks, Corina!
Julie says
Online registry has certainly made it easier for folks who live far away or in small towns; our choices back-in-the-day were quite limited so, by default, we received lots of china and crystal. My favorite gifts, though, were the Kitchen Aid mixer, Duralex glasses (16 years and not one has broken!), a set of plastic food storage containers, and lots of flatware.
Rebecca says
After 21 years of marriage, I have never owned a cast iron skillet. Why are they so great? I do not like non-stick pans but they seem best for fried eggs–otherwise they stick even when greased. Do things stick less to a cast iron skillet? I’d like to know if I should get one.
thanks!!!!
Katie says
Rebecca, I grew up in a house that never had a cast-iron skillet, so all of my enthusiasm is predicated on learning from my in-laws. But I’m a good example of somebody who learned from scratch to appreciate them! I received a thrifted, re-seasoned skillet from my husband’s grandmother shortly after we were married. My husband had to show me everything: how to cook in it, how to clean it (without soap??? took a while to wrap my head around that, but scrubbing with coarse salt and a paper towel in tongs really DOES work), how to dry it, how to season it, how not to randomly abuse its precious slick finish, etc. Now it’s a staple in my kitchen. I always use it for cornbread (my method is like the Pioneer Woman’s recipe, but with butter). I also love it for roasting vegetables– heat the clean skillet in a 450° oven while chopping garlic and brussels sprouts/broccoli/asparagus/etc., then toss it all in olive oil and S&P and roast in the sizzling pan till it looks good. My husband does breakfast bacon in it and uses the spout to drain and save the fat for me. I admit I still do the toddler’s daily fried egg in our Calphalon non-stick skillet (a quality, durable wedding gift!) because it’s just easier to do all the morning dishes with soap, but I keep finding new ways to appreciate the cast iron, such as learning to fry food and having the deep, sturdy pan to do it in.
As a matter of fact, during our mid-20s when lots of friends were getting married, our neighborhood grocery store carried the 12″ Lodge skillet at a ridiculously low price; I think it was $17. So that was my go-to shower or wedding gift for a while– I’d walk over and buy a pan, and then get the supplies for cleaning it and write out my “here’s what to do if you’re clueless like I was” instructions, in hopes that friends would actually go for it and enjoy the cast iron. My sister was one of them, and she loves hers now too!
Rebecca says
Thanks for this, Katie! Maybe what I really need is your Calphalon non-stick skillet for my fried eggs. I’ll look into one of these…
I know that so many people love their slow-cookers, but I have not made one thing in mine that I have really liked–at least not more than my oven.
Emily M says
I agree that I rarely get a superior product out of slow cooker (though sometimes it is on-par with the oven), but I love it in the summer when I just can’t bear the thought of turning on the oven. It’s also come in handy right now with a toddler. He’s fascinated by the kitchen, and capable of opening the oven door by himself, so a long-roasting dinner isn’t really an option unless I don’t turn my back for a minute all afternoon!
Deirdre says
I think a big part of it too, in addition to what Katie said, is just that cast iron is so amazingly durable. I really am confident that we will have our skillets (we got two sizes) for our entire marriage and probably pass them on to our kids.
AnotherKaren says
As a chef, yes, do get a good non-stick skillet for doing your eggs. I have a non-stick skillet reserved just for that purpose! our chef instructors required this in culinary school.
But cast iron for everything else. yes, it is relatively non-stick, thought there is a learning curve in the use and the care and cleaning. They come ‘pre-seasoned’ these days, that is, with cooking oil cooked into the pores of the metal and forming a thin, non-stick layer. At first, that seasoning will just barely do the job. But with regular use, it builds up to work at well as the chemical non-stick stuff.
Mary Elizabeth says
Almost 12 years along the best gifts I received I was befuddled by at the time I received them. A beautiful cut crystal bowl (I use it nearly every time I host anything) from a friend’s mother and two copies of Christian Prayers, from our dear Priest who witnessed our marriage.
Amy A. says
The most thoughtful non-registry gifts we received were two handmade blankets and a “Michigan goods” gift basket containing a pound of dried cherries, a quart of real maple syrup, and some hand-poured beeswax candles. Such a lovely nod to my home state! My parents also gave us two Waterford crystal champagne flutes, which we brought to our reception and drank from during the toasts. We plan to drink from them every year on our anniversary 🙂
As for gifts I’m glad I registered for, the number one item would be Fiestaware dinner and dessert plates. A dear friend has them in a rainbow of colors and it brightens her family table beautifully, but I’m a traditionalist and registered for all white. Classic, well-made, and as long as the company is in existence we will always be able to order white! (Fiestaware sometimes does limited runs of special colors.) I wanted these plates so much that when no one bought any for us (we had a fairly small wedding, so even with a small registry we did not receive some items we had hoped for) we used our registry completion discount and some gift cards to buy them for ourselves! Other registry gifts we were delighted to receive include my Cuisinart bread maker, my KitchenAid stand mixer, and some Anchor Hocking glassware to organize our pantry.
Katie says
Seems like our biggest hurdle was AFTER the wedding, when we realized just how many duplicate items had actually come our way. Maybe the bar-code/list-deduction technology was just wonky in our wedding year, but well-wishers inadvertently overwhelmed us with multiple editions of so. many. items. Our registry was very reasonable, but we had a pretty big guest list, which contributed to what seemed like an insurmountable tide of generosity. We had to get over ourselves a little bit and accept that to return gifts was not to reject the sentiments of the gift-givers; round up receipts where we could; and then make a big trip to each of our registry stores for returns. The upshot was the many hundreds of dollars of store credit, which, combined with registry completion discounts, meant that we could relax a bit as we got established, and not scrimp when we realized we really did lack some random item (just take the gift card and pick from the selection at BB&B). I know this isn’t a problem per se (too much generosity, what a blessing!), but if it was real for us, it’s surely real for others too. Our experience was, don’t panic, make the best of it, get organized, and think practically about what we need and what is excess. The good gifts of wrapped-up items just morphed into the good gift of a declining balance at the store, and that was a true help that lasted a couple of years. The return process was not as nuts as I had feared, and doing the sorting and returns let us then think through our needs and style once we were already IN the marriage and in the household.
I was to inherit my grandmother’s china, so in terms of “fancy things’ we registered for stemware to go with it, but in hindsight I probably would have skipped it, and just looked for a set at estate sales once I felt established enough to actually serve meals with china and crystal. =) The wedding gifts made far from a complete set, which simply means I can store them all in our small sideboard, and eight years into our marriage, I’m only just getting to a point of thinking, “Let’s use the fancy things!”
Deirdre says
Yes, I think even with the best laid plans, a round of making returns is a likely possibility for everyone who registers. But as you point out, the registry makes it possible to make the returns in a methodical manner and get the full price/benefits… whereas returning random items to a hundred different stores would be even more challenging!
Nicole says
Our favorite registry gifts are probably our GOOD quality pans/pots (Le Creueset/cast iron) and vintage Churchill Blue Willow flatware and mugs (all from Etsy). The people who got them all mentioned how much fun they had going on Etsy and looking through the shop before they ordered for us. We also LOVE an ink drawing one of my artist friends did of St. Rita’s where we were married: a very treasured, surprise wedding gift!! Everyone who comes over asks about it.
Dixie says
I’m really glad we registered for 12 (or was it 16?) places settings of our everyday china, glasses, and wine glasses. We took 8 out when we set up our first home and put the rest in a closet. Now whenever something breaks, we are able to replace it from our stash. Makes the set as a whole last longer!
Mrs. B. says
I’m enjoying this series more than I expected 🙂
I had never thought about the registry as a way to prepare for hospitality: it’s a beautiful idea. I was always embarrassed by the idea of registering, maybe because the lists I’ve always seen were not put together with these principles in mind, but more of a “Hey, let’s get fanciful stuff while others are paying for it!” idea… It’s tricky, if you ask me.
Someone here has floated the idea of helping the bride put a first draft together: I think it’s a great suggestion, especially if the friend/relative has been married for a while. I had been living on my own a few years before getting married, and yet the single life is so different that some “expert” help would have been welcome!
It’s too bad one cannot register at places like HomeGoods, but I would definitely consider a gift card there as a wedding gift to a friend.
Emily says
I totally agree with this post! When we registered 12 years ago, we knew that most of our college friends weren’t going to be able to spend a ton, but we also knew that nice things last, so we went ahead and registered for mostly high quality things. I still remember that four sophomores in my Bible study went together and got me a super nice frying pan off my registry. I think of them every time I use it! I only regret the cheap things on our registries–within 5 years, I’d replaced all four sets of cheap Target sheets because they’d literally ripped and worn out (which is why we invest in Pottery Barn Kids sheets for our kids–we buy them on clearance or off ebay, and they wear like iron). Our families and church friends were incredibly generous, and we received everything on our registries, even the higher priced items. I did feel a bit bad that my AllClad pots and pans are so much nicer than my mom’s, but unlike her, I love to cook and host, and I use them every single day. Since we knew we wanted a big family, we also registered for 12 sets of our every day china instead of the recommended 8 or 10. We’ve broken a few plates and bowls but still have enough for our family of 6, plus another couple or smallish family. When we host bigger groups, we give the kids salad plates and have enough dinner plates for the adults. It did seem a bit silly to have so many dishes when it was just the two of us in a tiny one bedroom apartment during grad school, but I’m glad that we planned ahead for a family with enough dishes and a big table that can fold out to seat 12!
We didn’t get a KitchenAid as a wedding present, but I did acquire one a few years later. I really regret not doing my research on that before wasting money on it! Using the machine exactly as the manual said, I burned through two engines and spent well over a hundred dollars in repairs before researching and discovering that if you want to bake large batches of bread with whole wheat flour, a Bosch mixer is the way to go, engine-wise and quality-wise. I think because I knew people whose KitchenAids had lasted 20 years, I assumed their quality was the same in 2008. Nope. And their customer service was abysmal. So while I’m always game to go in on a bigger group gift for newlyweds, I do now try to talk friends out of the KA and into the Bosch! 🙂
Julie says
I like to give stackable cooling racks (they save SO much space) and a nice cookie scoop because who doesn’t like a treat now and then?!
DeirdreLMLD says
I love my stackable racks! Great for apartment living especially!
Libby says
I registered (practically by accident, because I knew almost nothing) for a really nice Wusthof knife. My husband had a bunch of “10 for $10” knives from his bachelor days, all of which broke within the year and were just not enjoyable to work with. My Wusthof knife is still going strong!
DeirdreLMLD says
I have a few Wustofs as well, from my registry, and they are awesome. If you’ll be spending any significant time prepping food, a good knife is a must!
Cecilia says
I think if I were getting married today I would save myself quite a bit of time and energy (because it does take a lot out of you if you want to be thorough!) and get myself a free trial or subscription to America’s Test Kitchen– the website–not Cook’s Illustrated magazine (though that would be a great wedding gift). I often look to them for advice on things that I buy nowadays and I am never disappointed. They’ve reviewed practically everything kitchen and food related and their reviews are thorough, well-thought-out and honest.
I would definitely concur on getting quality over quantity. Oh, and don’t be afraid to dream big on your registry, because you never know! I knew I wanted a vacuum so I went ahead and registered for a nice Dyson, thinking there was no way anyone would even think about it. But lo and behold, someone did! It turned out it was my mom’s cousin’s wife who I’d only met once in my life but had been invited happenstance by my mom because they were living in the same town and why not. You never know if you might have a distantly related yet very generous relative out there willing to buy you a whole set of china!
Registry item I wish I would have gotten? A good cookbook or a beautiful nativity set.
Deirdre says
That’s a good idea about the Test Kitchen thing! I also registered for a Dyson, even knowing it was a long shot and that was fine with me. Later, I used wedding gift money to purchase it and just X’d it off the registry myself. 🙂
I think that the registry is especially useful for just such people as the guest you mentioned — folks who are interested in supporting you with a gift but who don’t know you well enough to do something particularly personal.
Mary says
One of the most unique gifts we received was a sick call crucifix, with candles and a holy water vessel included. We (thankfully!) haven’t had to use it for that purpose yet, but it hangs on the wall in the meantime and is really beautiful.
Jamie says
One of my favorite wedding gifts was a pressure cooker that sat in my cupboard for NINE YEARS before I pulled it out and learned how to use it. Lo and behold it’s a fabulous device and I use it all the time now. I did register for china but I really never use it and that makes me sad. I wish I had realized that I am a more casual person. Also the pattern is really boring- just ivory with gold trim and I think I’d use it more if it was an interesting pattern. I thought I wanted something that could go with any sort of table decorations and not clash. Turns out… I just don’t serve meals that way ever. I actually find myself more attracted to 70s tableware with yellow, orange, and brown flowers. Stuff I see sometimes at the thrift store and I really want to buy it. The china just makes me feel guilty all the time! People spent $50 per place setting. And I got a complete set. Any ideas for me on that??
Deirdre says
That’s too bad that your china makes you feel guilty! I’m not sure what exactly I would do… but maybe you’ll end up using it yet? (Would everyone be shocked with me if I suggested re-selling it and using the money for something your household would use/enjoy more?)
Jamie says
I’ve thought of trying to resell it. Just knowing how much money people spent, and knowing that I wouldn’t get anywhere near that dollar amount makes me hold onto it. My only hope is that SOME DAY I will be the mom that puts together a nice table with linens and serves her family with the fine china. (Why didn’t I pick some sort of super girly rose pattern? Just something different and interesting and not just ivory?? I think I thought because Christmas is red and green and it would clash…) Ugh. So that is my wedding gift regret…
Katie says
Do you have multiple daughters? Maybe (and I realize how ridiculous this will sound if you are in small living quarters) you could find a set you do like, buy it, and use it. But if you have the space, save the set you have and it can be a gift to one of your children when they marry. My kitchen is full of gifts my grandmother and mother received for their weddings but didn’t much care for (some were never used!) and I happen to love the way it looks. I think of them every time I pull the pieces out.
And each of us (between my sisters) have a set of china as they have been handed down (wedding, 25th anniversary, one from a friend of my mother’s that didn’t want hers anymore, etc). With how small the weddings have been and how casual the people we know are, there is no way any of us would have had china otherwise.
Leslie says
We did not register. We were not totally comfortable with the idea of picking out specific things and asking people to buy them for us; besides I had seen too many registries that actually made me think badly of the bridal couple ($25 for a paper towel holder, or absolutely nothing under $100, or who could possibly need 5 different types of wine glasses? etc) and I didn’t want people to look at my registry and judge me like that. I had also noticed that the most meaningful gifts at bridal showers tend to be things that weren’t on the registry. My aunt did request a list just to get some ideas, which was fine. The shower invitations simply included the size of our bed and basic color schemes. We got many thoughtful gifts from practical (sheets, towels, pots and pans, kitchen utensils) to simply nice (a clock, handmade table runner, fancy serving bowls, an ice cream maker, lingerie). The one specific item I asked for and received was a Kitchenaid mixer, which I use all the time. I really loved all the different things people picked out for us and each gift was a genuine surprise.
I will add now that I might consider a registry if we had needed dishes, but I already had some Corelle for everyday, plus I inherited my grandmother’s china.
With that being said, I do appreciate having a registry to look at if I don’t know the couple well, to get an idea of what they like and need. If looking at the registry becomes an occasion of sin then I do have some standby gifts: one is a cake plate (I never realized how much I’d love mine). I’ve also done a couple of Christmas boxes and included stockings, ornaments, tree skirt, or Nativity scene.
Rachel Meyer says
I am in the minority of people who still find a wedding registry tacky. I hope that my comment doesn’t come across as offensive – of all possible crimes against humanity, registering for your wedding is pretty much at the bottom of the list. But still, I didn’t register, I’m glad I didn’t, and I have never purchased a gift from a registry.
Of course, giving a gift to a couple on the occasion of their wedding is an accepted and expected part of our culture. Everyone is going to get you a gift. But I still don’t think it’s in good taste to make the point that you expect these gifts by registering for them, or to attempt to choose your gifts yourself. My most treasured wedding gifts are the things we would not have registered for – handmade things at the top of the list, but also some lovely religious articles. No, these things aren’t furnishing my everyday life, and we did start as college students with very little, but they still mean more to me than items that I chose myself and might not even remember who actually purchased.
For the same reason, I never choose gifts from a registry because it’s thoughtless and generic. My standard wedding gift for family and good friends is a wedding cross-stitch sampler which takes me 6-15 months to make.
I find your suggestion to register for or request gift cards, money or donations to a charity in particularly bad taste. Money in any form is never an appropriate gift, because the recipient knows exactly how much it costs. It takes all of the fun out of both gift giving and gift receiving.
Keary says
I agree that checks and cash take all the fun out of the gift giving process. They also take away any sense of legacy or heirloom. Before I got married I had visions of being able to say to a grandchild some day, after a lifetime of memories, “Your grandfather and I got this for our wedding, you know.” And I chose gifts on my registry with this in mind. For example, rather than choosing a random pattern I happened to like at that moment, I picked out a reissue of the classic Franciscan Desert Rose pattern, which my grandmother had used as her everyday china and I had always loved. I loved the idea of connecting our family’s future to her legacy. And I tried, as much as possible, to choose for my registry other items of similar longevity and meaning.
So imagine my conflicted feelings when most guests chose to simply write a check. We were grateful for their generosity (my oh-so-practical husband was especially appreciative), but I couldn’t help feeling a twinge of disappointment. And since our wedding five year ago, I have noticed an uptick in the giving of money rather than gifts, even if the couple provide a registry, and I’ve wondered if this is due the escalating crassness and materialism within our culture. Or perhaps a reflection of the temporary way our culture sees marriage– why give a gift to last a lifetime and beyond, if the marriage isn’t expected to last a decade?
For my part, my own experience has made me more sensitive to the power of wedding gift giving, and I’ve tried to give a gift such as I would have loved to have received. Lately I’ve taken to giving pillowcases I’ve embroidered in colors and pattern to suit their tastes/décor.
Deirdre says
Well, clearly we are in disagreement! 🙂 I think I understand where you’re coming from, and I’d just say that I think it’s largely about how you look at the thing. If I think of a registry as a way for a couple to tell people what to get them, then yes, it bothers me too. When I think of it as a cooperative way for a whole community to set up a new household together, then I find it quite pleasing (and, of course, I’ve already made my case above :).
I have never given cash as a gift, but I certainly wouldn’t say that I found it offensive when folks gave us cash. Of course it’s less personal, but some people really are not gift-givers either because of their personality or for whatever other reason – and I did appreciate that some friends wanted just to help us get whatever we found we needed for our home.
Emily says
Hmm, I disagree that getting something a couple wants/needs is thoughtless and that making something homemade is automatically better. The vast majority of the off-registry, homemade gifts we got did not display an understanding of us, our tastes, or our lifestyle. I do have a wedding cross-stitch from a very dear friend, and it has always had a place of honor in our home. But it is special because we have ONE, from a girl who’d lived with me and knew me well. And while we still use the quilt that my best friend made me and the blanket that my college roommate crocheted, several ladies from our churches gave us homemade blankets that were ugly and tacky and totally not our style. Of course we graciously thanked them, but because the off-registry item of choice our year seemed to be ugly fleece hand-tied fringed throw blankets (think florescent pink ladies’ heads with “Love” plastered all over), we had over a dozen! They weren’t big enough to use on a bed (which would have actually been useful), they didn’t exhibit any personal knowledge of our tastes or even our preferred colors (which a look at our registry would have revealed), and they seemed to reflect the giver’s hobby (the fad craftsy thing of that year) rather than anything to do with us. We did eventually get rid of almost all of them, though I felt incredibly guilty getting rid of wedding gifts. Who was more thoughtful: the people who chose to go off-registry for items that anyone who knew us well would know were not “us” at all, because hand fringed blankets were *their* wedding gift-of-choice, or the friends (and I still remember which ones!) who chose to bless us by buying us the everyday dishes we registered for and which I still love and use daily, over a decade later?
Leila says
Emily, jumping in to say that I agree that it can be scary to receive some of these “meaningful” gifts! On the other hand, I find it frustrating to give a meaningful handmade gift (of course, no quote marks when it’s from ME 😉 to someone who wouldn’t appreciate all that hard work.
One note — if you are into quilting, NEVER dispose of tacky fleece items. That fleece makes GREAT FREE batting for the occasional den quilt that is going to get a lot of use! Speaking as a textile hoarder of course.
Seriously, though, Rachel in the comment above — I can think of an occasion when money is indeed appropriate — when the couple is marrying on a shoe-string and heading across country to live “dans les mansards et l’eau claire” — as grad students or what have you — packing up a small car, no resources for movers. In that case, I like to give an Amazon gift card and maybe something small and packable for memento’s sake. I can assure you that the mother of the bride will be vexed to be storing bulky gifts her daughter can’t use — she probably has many more daughters in the offing, too.
DeirdreLMLD says
Also, let’s remember that some of the wedding guests may be bachelors who have NO IDEA what they should get for a gift! I’m sure there are many single men out there who won’t be doing any hand sewing but don’t want to give something random, and have been grateful for guidance from the couple! 🙂
Leslie says
I don’t know if it’s cultural around here or what, but we tend to give items for a bridal shower, and money for a wedding. I think the assumption is that it’s easier for the bridal couple to collect and move cards from their reception than many gifts. It does mean people know exactly what you spent, and there’s a lot of family politics to take into account (dh’s family tends to be better off than mine and you have to worry about either looking cheap, or making everyone else look cheap, depending on which side it is). We were very thankful for the money we received though, as well as our other gifts. A friend of mine (who at the time was a bachelor) always gives cash with the idea that the couple can use it on their honeymoon.
Jamie says
I try to buy off of a registry because I look around my house and see that pretty much every item (except the China!) I registered for and received, I use. The lamps, the towels, the casual dishes, the cookware. I don’t use the homemade recipe books though… (Dang I have REALLY got to find a way to use that China…. Maybe it’s time to get the board games out from under the “china cabinet” and find them a new home)
Sarah says
I am enjoying reading this series as a new visitor to your website! I LOVE to pick and give gifts for a wedding! For me, giving Truly brings more joy than any gift I have received. In fact, for many friends who are not yet married I have gifts in mind already! So I choose differently according to my perception of the likes of the bride. I often go off registry for personalised items. For example, I have given a thick quality doormat with the couple’s new surname classically printed on it. Or, a hand hammered Christmas ornament with the couple’s new family details or wedding anniversary to enjoy at their first Christmas. Two beautiful china mugs with a tea kettle was another off registry item. This works well if you know the bride! But otherwise I do very much appreciate a registry for more distant family, and and wish my guests had used it more for our wedding! I registered wisely but received many expensive, not even practical gifts that 5 years later are unused, and we truly were in need of the most basic items! Not even crystal or anything but picnic baskets and the like. I go practical for many new brides I don’t know as well and even if it’s seems boring at the shower she may thank me later! Great roasting sheets, quality small items like cookie scoops, pie servers, kitchen scissors trussed up with a cute kitchen towel are cute.
SS says
Seven years later,
I frequently use
-Fine china/nice stainless/glassware(We have used it every Sunday. I came from an immigrant family where there weren’t any heirlooms to be passed down. I do wish I had chosen something a little more vivid instead of Lenox Solitaire, but I am glad to have it. )
-every day dishes (a discontinued painted pottery set with fiesta ware mixed in)
-Kitchen aid mixer
-knife set (Chicago)
-set of Calphalon spring and regular cake pans
Things I later bought:
Dutch oven
Soup tureen
Roasting pan
Programmable slow cooker (use at least 4x a week for cooking dried beans or stock)
Good quality sheets
Glass food storage containers
Fiesta serving ware
Pie dishes
Covered lasagna pan
Haven’t lasted
Regular slow cooker (prone to overcooking)
Set of Rival clad pots (replaced with Le Creuset)
Armetale serving pieces (hard to clean)
Cuisinart blender (replaced with thrift store blender)
Unrimmed cookie sheets (got warped, and not as useful as rimmed for roasting)
Surprise gifts that were useful
Electric skillet (with removable pan)
Pretty measuring cups
Pitchers
Also, Oneida flatware can be bought in place setting or batches of four. My husband lost a bunch of the salad forks at work, and we were able to replace that one component easily. Lenox will also replace any piece of fine china at half price, so I use every week without fear.
marie says
I got some very nice salad tongs and I have used them for 30 years. It’s become my go to wedding gift.
Beatrice says
I wish you had added: ” Do NOT mention where you are registered in the invitation.” The invitation is a gift to your guests and you should not show any expectation of a gift back to you. There are enough means of communications for the guest to figure out if/where you are registered.