Today's question is one that actually comes up quite a bit, with variations.
Let's sit around the kitchen table and have a chat about it, shall we? Especially since dear C's email keeps bouncing, so I can't reply to her privately (those Mac.com emails are bouncing, huh?).
She says,
Dear Auntie Leila,
I really appreciate all your sage advice. [Aw, so sweet!] My question is this: when one's husband is unexpectedly at the end of a career path and searching for something new (and urgently), what should we try to prioritize as a family assuming any of these might be factors – actually making ends meet, geographical location, his vocational fulfillment, school options for the children, moving nearer extended family (kind of spread out, unfortunately), low cost of living, vibrant parish? Just generally, how does a wife support him in this and help re-craft our family vision?
Thank you,
C
I think that God has a way of getting us to where we need to be, especially if we just ask Him outright. So don't forget to do that!
Normally (I mean, barring a miracle), our children's faith is learned and kept because the place where we worship is truly oriented to worship — church is not a self-affirmation project, little club, or entertainment center.
The family really can't do this alone.
It's often impossible to find this out beforehand, but the community that supports true worship would include some like-minded people — others, even one family, who are trying to live differently and who have the fortitude to commit to a life that is a bit different — other moms who are devoted to home, other families who sacrifice and aren't putting material things first, a group of people who are more daring in terms of family size…
Nothing's perfect, but having friends is very important! Do check out the St. Greg's Pocket list — it might help clinch a deal!)
The Chief adds: When I talk to kids about courtship (or friendship in general), I point out that “you” are a somewhat different “you” in different circumstances and with different people. So you want to choose a spouse (or friends) who make “you” the “you” that you really want to be. The good “you.” There may be something similar about choosing a community: Try to imagine yourself living in Town A, then imagine in Town B. In which case do you see your family being what you really want it to be— and what God wants it to be?
So now you get down to the real work of finding a place to live.
And now, the uber-scientific approach to relocation, a veritable algorithm, cooked up by your resident math geniuses, the Lawlers:
The Desirability Quotient!
When the Chief and I were making this sort of change, we actually made an informal spreadsheet or glorified list. We assigned points to a house based on all the criteria, from trivial to vital, that we could think of.
We really made a science of it, if science is when you try to quantify the subjective with a changing metric.
And it passed the time when we were driving all over tarnation looking at properties.
I wish I had kept that sheet of paper.
Here's how it worked: Assign points to every and any attribute that strikes you about a house. Like this:
[This part edited because of course I posted it wrong at first.] Add the points up. Divide that number by the asking price of the house (drop the last zeros) to get your “Desirability Quotient”!
For instance, if a property scores 40, and the asking price is $250,000, drop the zeros, divide 40 by 250, and voila! DQ = .16 — so, 16 for that house. If another one is the same price but you gave it 50 points, that gives you a DQ of .20 — so, 20 for conversational purposes; that one is superior (as long as you are considering houses you can actually afford, of course).
If nothing else, it tells you which house/location/life you really want in your heart of hearts, because you find yourself secretly manipulating points so that the DQ comes out the way you want it to.
But again, making ends meet is the brick wall! Good thing, or we'd never be sure what God's will is, for real.
A wife supports her husband by thinking all these things through alongside of him as he discerns what his new path in life is going to be. You better believe he feels the weight of the responsibility for his family on his shoulders! Your conversations help him a lot, as does your cheerful confidence that he will do what is necessary to provide for you all.
As you know, a wife doesn't make the burden heavier by worrying and fretting and posing hypotheticals that involve failure. Just do what you are doing. You are doing a wonderful job by trying to analyze the situation and help him figure things out.
You will see — it will all work out. There is no perfect place to live on earth, but when you're together, figuring things out as a family, that's heaven.
Be patient and meanwhile, use your cleverness in the many areas that will become clear as you forge ahead (being frugal, getting organized, traveling light).
Lots of love and a big hug,
Kim Paradiso says
Thank you so much for this post!!!
“You will see — it will all work out. There is no perfect place to live on earth, but when you’re together, figuring things out as a family, that’s heeaven.”
Amen!!!!
God bless you!!!
Margo, Thrift at Home says
LOVE this post – it so clearly shows your talent for practical advice combined with enthusiastic encouragement. Thank you for all the ways you encourage and guide us 🙂
Ally | A Home Called Shalom says
Oh, thank goodness. We’re in the process of (maybe) leaving a home that we’ve loved for two years… to go to another home (same job, though). There’s lots of thinking going on, about what’s best for our family, what’s best for our ministry… it’s tricky.
Oh, and you should never name your blog after your home. I learned that lesson. 😉
Thank you for your encouragement- and the reminder that God’s hand is in it all!
Mrs. B. says
Great minds think alike! We used a list to rate houses as well, though we didn’t calculate anything, we just did points. One thing we did differently is that we each worked through the list separately and then talked about the big differences, since you’re bound to find out you attach a lot of importance to things your spouse doesn’t care about (and vice versa), or to have conflicting views regarding certain things. These discussions are potentially very helpful in cementing a young marriage (or in making it crumble!) – you learn the art of give and take in a very gentle way, and you learn a lot about what your spouse truly values, even in the small things department. It’s beautiful.
Kelsey says
This is wonderful! My husband and I just went through this ourselves. We live in an expensive area, and while his job is very secure and offers many other benefits, it’s not terribly lucrative. After an absolutely agonizing home search, God led us to a truly teensy little home in need of full rehab – but it’s in a great neighborhood, close to my husband’s work as well as our parish and many friends and family. After five months of working on it, we are finally moving in this week! And I am so thankful for my husband’s ability to transform that house into a home for us. God is good.
Serena says
Lovely post – but I think the math in your equation is a little off. You say:
“Add the points up. Divide the asking price of the house (drop the last zeros) by the sum of of the points to get your “Desirability Quotient”!
For instance, if a property scores 40, and the asking price is $250,000, drop the zeros, divide 250 by 40, and voila! DQ = 6.25. If another one yields a DQ of 8.65, then that one is superior…”
But that doesn’t quite make sense. Think of it this way: say you have two houses that are both $100k. One gets 50 points of good things and the other only 25. The house with 50 points would have a DQ of 2, and the house with 25 points would have a DQ of 4. In other words, the one with the LOWER DQ is actually the more desirable house.
Susanna says
I wish you’d written this a week ago, before we put an offer on a house! I don’t think it would have changed anything, but I would have been curious to try it. We ended up with the house that didn’t have all the cute Craftsman Bungalow details that everyone else seems to have, but is bigger, cheaper, and eminently walkable to church, library, and my favorite French bakery. Provided the inspection checks out, it’s an obvious win!
Ngofamilyfarm says
Thank you so much for posting this! It is very timely and Lenten-y for me 🙂
-Jaime
BridgetAnn says
Many thanks, as usual, for your practical wisdom! I read parts of your post aloud before my husband left for work and we plan on implementing this when the time comes.
Afterward, I was going through the math- sorry, for the nerdy-ness- and I think the division ought to be reversed? i.e. Divide the point total by the price (sans all zeros). Otherwise, dividing the price by the score, as mentioned above, results in a house with a lesser point total scoring higher on a same priced house as a higher point total. (i.e., a house with 20 points would seem to be more desirable on the 250,000 house than the hypothetical 40 score above, as the DQ would be 12.5.) Likewise, the same score of 40 would seem more desirable as the price of the house increases…. i.e. the DQ would be raised to 25 on a score of 40 if the house cost 1,000,000!
Leila says
Yes, you are right! That’s how I had it at first, questioned myself, and then changed it. Not that I really know. So thanks. I blame him, he said it was okay 🙂
I will fix.
BridgetAnn says
Just a technicality. You had all the important things in there!
Lisa G. says
Your husband’s point is very interesting. I wish C and her family all the best.
Kate says
A great post! I am sending it to a few friends who are in this discernment situation right now (and I’ll tuck it away for future reference for myself since moving is occasionally on my mind).
Tia says
This is very helpful. We are in a situation where we have lots of moving options: husband’s company is everywhere, I work from home. We currently live in a location where expanding our family is unlikely (husband will not try if it means three share one bedroom). I would love to have another soon. But we also have so many other considerations: my father is ill, his mother had been ill, both live in different locations from us and across the country from each other. Trying to factor in all the issues and decide to *do anything has been difficult. Our current living situation means walking everywhere is easy and it’s relatively convenient, and my husband has a very short (non driving) commute. If we moved closer to family, we may subtract an extra hour of his time with the kids every day, and he spends so little time with them already — but we could be more open to expanding our family before it’s too late. Sigh. So many things to consider. And so much inertia when there’s no pressing reason we have to move and the day-to-day stuff gets in the way.
Lauren says
Wonderful insight from both you and your husband. I’ve seen people not willing to move from extended family and it meant the mom working full time because the dad couldn’t find a good job…sad. and yes, I agree that a vibrant orthodox parish community is so important. Our priests encourage us weekly with their homilies along with other young families that are open to life so I don’t feel so crazy. We drive quite a far distance for mass but it is worthwhile. By the way, we are moving in one week. Do you have any moving tips? I have been packing a little each day, we have 1 week to move, including a big Saturday with strong men to help, and I have 3 little kids (4 1/2, 3, 1) and am 5 weeks pregnant …. so trying to move pre morning sickness ;).
Elizabeth says
Yes, this is what we did last year when we tried to find a rental apartment. I learned so much from that process. In the end, my husband travelled to our future location and did the house search and kept me updated with pictures. We discussed the whole thing over skype and picked an apartment I’d never seen. That’s how it was with Rosie too. But because we knew exactly what was important to us, he picked us a place that was just right.
Our list was:
– Kitchen is the most important room of all. I can deal with lousy bedrooms (after all I spend most of my time there with my eyes closed), but not with a lousy kitchen! And we wanted a gas stove, not electric. It may seem silly, but this detail was a deal breaker.
– ground floor place with just a little bit of a courtyard to hang laundry/put bicycles/play with water in hot weather, etc.
– Must be easy to heat up (or the bills will skyrocket) and keeps us warm and snug during winter.
– Shouldn’t be too dark (enough and rightly placed windows to let the sun in).
– And just like you, a place set back away from the road
I enjoyed my kitchen three times a day in that place and still think of it sometimes…
Mary Eileen says
Haha! This sounds just like a device my father has advocated for years for help dealing with all sorts of difficult choices (eg, where to go to college, whether to take a job, etc.) — The Decision Matrix!!
The concept is exactly the same. It’s an excel spreadsheet listing the various factors relevant to the decision and the two or more choices. Assign each factor a weight (say power of three or five) and award each category your subjective point value. Then proceed to manipulate the final score til you have discerned……..something! The objectively correct answer? Or your secret heart’s desire?
Stephanie says
Leila…Coast Guard is moving us across the country in July…Alaska to Virginia (except that after being here six years, I have come to believe Alaska IS the perfect place to live). I am soooo sad about moving, and I put on this big show for my kiddos that it will be so fun and what an adventure but wow, I am just trying to convince MYSELF this. We are moving closer to family…which we have never done before and we have become so good at just being US that I’m almost NERVOUS about being closer. I get dizzy just LOOKING at all of the places to live online, but I am motivated to have a list like yours with the hubs so that we can just measure each house against it! Thank you! Also…your husband was spot on, I’m going to start praying now that God finds a family for us so that we can be the family WE WANT TO BE.
Elizabethane628 says
A hello from Virginia! It’s nice here, I promise : ) Seriously, that kind of a move is a huge change, and I’ll be praying for y’all. (I ended up moving here from Pennsylvania after college, so I don’t really say y’all haha)
Michelle says
My CSM is retiring this year and we will have to move off base into a rental (not in the position to buy at this time). With 7 still at home (homeschooling) and a tight budget, would you add anything to this already great strategic advice? I am very nervous about renting for the first time since we were married. (except for base housing, obviously)
Blessings.
Julie says
How did you know? Really, How? We are contemplating a move now that my husband’s contract is up. What a great guide. Thank you for your insight and wisdom.
Grace says
Thank you for this post! Our little family will be moving come summer and again come fall so this is very apropos for us!
We have been doing similar excel sheets for rental places (graduate student salary doesn’t exactly support buying) except pretty much entirely budget based (gas cost for commute, rent, utilities, etc) since that is our greatest limiting factor. We have our own sort of DQ but it’s all in our heads at this point. 🙂
Amen to having a real kitchen!
I would also appreciate tips on packing, moving, etc. We’ve already had several moves in our three years of marriage but there is always something more to learn!
Tip of my own: Look for packing boxes on Craigslist when you need them. You can often get them free or very inexpensively, and then turn around and easily dispose of them on Craigslist when you’re done with them.
Sukie says
Yes–and also look on freecycle! Of course it’s great not to pay for boxes, but I also LOVE not feeling the pressure to store them between moves–storage is at a huge premium in a city apartment!
Amanda says
Such timely advice! My husband is trying to make a career change right now while he’s unemployed and we’ve looked at many different places. It’s overwhelming to job hunt across the whole country not being sure *where* we want to live. In the end it’ll likely come down to where the jobs are as usual. Our current city has poor job prospects and a poor spiritual life with lots of cultural Catholicism. I get self-conscious at church being pregnant with our fifth since our family is already considered ‘big’. I’d love to move back south where there are bigger, growing Catholic Churches and nobody is Catholic unless they really want to be 🙂
Julie says
I love this post! We are in the midst of transition and this list came to my email the same day I felt the Lord nudging my heart to “make a list” about what we need in a home. We are thinking we need to buy and have no idea where to start as potential first-time homebuyers who do not even have a down payment yet. I felt silly so did not start making the list until I saw this post in my inbox. Thanks for helping me have faith and giving practical advice! 🙂