Spoiler alert: No.
More detail below.
This week I am concentrating with all my might on “getting organized” (The Chief says this is my stated goal every time he asks what I'm doing that day, since… forever… ). So much ironing… so much crafting that needs to be done.
I'm making pajamas (or nightgowns, as the case may be) for the grandbabes this year, which is Natasha's idea, because she's a dreamer. It's true that I made bridesmaid's dresses in quantity, but something about approaching yuletide causes crafting panic. Yet, I can do it! Why not? I just have to stop the self-paralyzation and DO IT.
Two notes:
1. Finding flannel that isn't a) garish and b) expensive and c) bad quality is hurdle #1. After a fruitless and even bootless time at JoAnn's, I had a full and frank discussion with myself.
“What is it that you are looking for?”
“The kind of flannel that sheets are made of.”
“Well then!”
“You're right.”
So I'm not here to shill for J. C. Penney, but I will say that their holiday flannel sheets are buttery, pretty, brushed on both sides, and a good value if you use a promotion to buy online and do in-store pick-up, thus avoiding the shipping fee. I'm thinking you might find nice flannel elsewhere, but I liked their patterns.
A double sheet set was a generous amount of flannel for two little pj sets, two nightgowns, and a baby sleep sack. Now, mind you — pay attention to the fact that in this case, the pattern only goes one way, so you can't get fancy and frugal with your pattern layout. All the pieces have to go the same way! Get it?
2. Do yourself a favor; get a sharpie and mark those expensive sharp scissors “SEWING ONLY” or “FABRIC ONLY” and guard them with your might.
If you follow me on Instagram, you know that we had minestrone last night. Soooo good. I love minestrone because it uses up that turkey carcass for wonderful broth, it's so delicious and hearty, and it rescues a sad, dark, gray day. When we were out in Colorado this fall, our lovely hosts served us delicious minestrone with the pasta on the side, passing the parmesan to grate on top. Like: put the pasta in your bowl, pour the soup over it, and grate the cheese.
What struck me was the thought: Here is the solution to the mushy pasta in the leftover soup! I can now freeze the soup if I need to!
Brilliant.
I had pearl couscous leftover from another meal, so that was easy. And I do love pesto in my minestrone, so I got out some I had frozen from the late summer. We may not live on our garden's produce, but we are all set for kale (which I chopped into the soup along with previously frozen green beans from the garden).
If you can live on kale, we're good.
(It is nice to have the pesto as well, but that I am rationing out by the teaspoon!)
So, when you are reading all that advice out there — the advice not given to you by Auntie Leila — you need to ask yourself if you would like to be treated the way the expert is telling you to treat your child — or for that matter, husband.
Me, I'd rather be spanked (I mean, if I were a child), and get it over with, than be lectured incessantly.
Me, I'd rather be yelled at than handled with exasperated, barely controlled “patience” and a sense that my company doesn't bring any joy, though it may bring penance at times.
I don't like being manipulated. Do you?
Dear Auntie Leila,
[A lovely reader, obviously well intentioned, pleading for help with a messy, slob of a husband who leaves his dirty socks everywhere and never puts anything away, followed by–]
I have cajoled and kissed when he remembers, I have left post it note reminders, and, finally, I have had tantrums.
~ “Jemima”
Dear Auntie Leila,
[Another lovely reader, clearly as sweet as can be, tearing her hair out with unruly 7 yo, 4 yo, 3 yo, and needy baby, followed by –]
I'm working on giving the older ones appropriate punishments and lots of extra affection when they behave. When they are being good, I hug them and tell them I love them. When they are not being good, I tell them why they are breaking the rules and ask them to repeat the rules to me — but it's not working. They just never listen to me at all.
~ “Gwenny”
Dear Jemima and Gwenny,
You have your issues and Auntie Leila understands that. These people, big and little, are truly driving you crazy. It's hard to believe that you still walk the earth.
I can tell you a bunch of stuff (and already have, as far as those naughty children goes — just poke around in the archives under “discipline” for a while!).
However, the real issue is the sheer amount of nonsense that goes around in the guise of… of what? Of controlling each other's behavior! Behavioral modification is one thing — maybe it's got its uses in psychology, and although I'm not a psychologist, I doubt that affection even enters into the question.
Somehow, the ideas out there have been filtered into family life to the point that what is left is dangerous malarkey. Withholding affection? Bestowing affection as a reward?
Would we want to be treated this way?
When there is something that you need — and you need affection (especially a child) the way you need a roof and food — it just can't be made a matter of negotiation.
What parent doesn't give affection freely, just as he gives food and clothing? What wife or husband controls behavior with kisses?
So let's just give kisses all the time, and give hugs all the time. Put your four-year-old on your lap if she's having trouble getting over that fallout over her eggs. If she can't pull it together, she might need to lie down on her bed.
I'm telling you this because I think some people don't know that a four-year-old needs to sit on your lap. And when you're frustrated with her, you are even less likely than ever to pick her up. Yet, it's what she needs! Your little boy too! More picking up!
Dads, I'm talking to you…
Give your six-year-old a snuggle when he's passing by, whether he's behaving or not.
Use your arms and hands and your cheeks more. If you have to give a punishment, let a little time go by so that the chemicals in the body can re-settle and the mind can calm down, and then give a real, heartfelt hug and some kisses.
If events make you feel less than huggy or kissy, just explain the case. “I'm mad because you left a wet washcloth on the bed! What is this, a fraternity?” With a child, just be stern or strict or even angry (“You seriously left your bike out all night again?!”), dole out whatever punishment is necessary, preferably not a vague and meaningless threat, and then as soon as you can, go back to being warm and affectionate!
Honestly, the problem is that the powers that be (those “experts”!!) have removed all the truly effective tools. Such as? The simple knowledge that you are the parent and that your authority matters; spanking; letting Dad take care of it when he gets home; yelling, which, although it's not ideal, has the merit of being real and locating you in that universe where you are human too and things won't crash to oblivion if you yell once in a while.
Admit it. All those things I just listed gave you a politically correct conniption.
All that's left now are the actually psychologically damaging techniques. The tedious time-out dance of futility, the laughable reliance on reason (because we all know that a toddler wants nothing more than to hear your reasons and explanations), and finally, most sadly, the use of feelings to manipulate. The idea of using affection as behavior modification is couched in positive terms — “smile and say ‘good job' or ‘I love you' when your child meets your expectation” — but naturally this will devolve into failing to be affectionate, affirming, loving, when the child has been naughty.
It is a cold way.
It's making the expression of your love contingent on the child's performance, which pretty much will always mean he won't get any love, because news alert: Children are often naughty.
But after all, a naughty child is still your child. You just want behavior, but you don't realize a family expresses itself by means of affection! I personally prefer to be loved unconditionally! When you have been naughty, don't you still need a hug?
Warm and strict, when necessary, with the children — warm and angry with your husband. No, just kidding. Well, you know what I mean. We all get mad and that's okay. It's preferable, of course, to have a conversation to avoid misunderstandings and unpleasantness; it's just not always realistic.
Let's just not turn affection into a weapon!
Kate says
Excellent observation and advice. Aside from the affection manipulation topic, it seems to me that the husband issue and the kid issue are different and should be handled differently. A mother is responsible for forming the kids into responsible adults; her husband is pretty much set in his ways and shouldn’t be treated like a child. I’ve made peace with my husband’s disorganization and messiness. He’s not a slob (well, some women have different standards), but our thoughts on what’s a big deal housekeeping-wise definitely do not coincide. The top of his dresser is a catchall and doesn’t add to the aesthetics of our bedroom decor, but instead of berating him, I clean it off and organize it for him. He’s always very grateful. Stop nagging and simply do it yourself – pick up his smelly socks and offer a prayer for him. Put the milk away and his dirty coffee cup in the sink and offer a prayer of thanksgiving that you GET TO SERVE someone in Christ’s name. A good attitude helps a lot. My husband overlooks a lot of my faults and is supportive is so many ways that no one else would be, so the least I can do is shut my mouth and not nag. My father’s oft-repeated advice to me and my sisters during our teenage years was “Don’t marry a man thinking you are going to change him. If you don’t like a man the way he is, don’t marry him.” The only sister who didn’t follow his advice is the one with a sour marriage.
Leila says
Kate, I agree and of course addressed all that husband/wife thing in my private reply to her. Here I am really trying to get at the affection-as-tool issue, which I think some of us go to even with our husbands! Sad.
Nadine says
Many years ago while running errands I overheard a mother disciplining her kids, who were throwing back the excuse that “Daddy does it!” for whatever it was they were doing. She calmly replied, “It isn’t my job to train your daddy. It is my job to train you.” Then she went on to reinforce whatever punishment she had declared was going to fall on their heads. I immediately filed that line away for future use. I don’t have to use it much, but, boy is it a lifesaver when I do need it.
It can be said with no disrespect for Grandma or Grandpa. Things were different in their house than they are in ours. That is to be expected. Different things drive different mothers over the edge. And, sometimes, frankly, Grandma didn’t allow that behavior either. Sometimes I have also needed to say “When you’re the daddy, that behavior will be between you and your wife. But you do not act like that here.”
Yes, I have primarily sons. But, telling daughters that “you can act like that when you’re the daddy” does add an element of humor to the conversation. And the principle is still the same – just because Daddy does it doesn’t mean you can. Great moms are not all alike, and different houses have different rules. I’m mom here, and you live by my rules, even if Daddy doesn’t.
Theresa says
Totally agree. The more we want our husbands to be the way we think they should be. We need to be. Sorry for those who don’t like to hear this. But we have to serve our family first. When he does help in doing anything, thank him. We all like to be appreciated and feeling used. And nagging? How’s that working for you? Please stop. It’s breaking down your marriage and making your husband not want to be home. Men want our respect and we want their love. How do we have successful and holy families? By having holy families. Pray together. Took me years before my husband even agreed to pray a little with me. Now he will pray daily and a rosary when we are in the car. I’m take what I can get and am so grateful to God that I’m married to the best man.
Molly says
Sometimes I think we need to be reminded of our primary goal in marriage and parenthood – to help get those people to heaven and sometimes the best way to do that isn’t always the friendliest (Jesus wasn’t very friendly to those people in the temple, but he got his point across). I find myself running into this with my son a lot and when it comes to stern words and tears during discipline I find it’s helpful to remind him that, while I still love him right now I can’t allow the behavior to go on and that I have to enforce the consequences. Once all the unhappy emotion of the event has run it’s course there’s plenty of hugs and kisses and cuddles, but not as a reward, rather as a reminder that I still love him even when he does things that make me angry or things that require me to dole out discipline.
As for the husband thing – about 5 years into marriage I realized that I can’t side step things. Like you said, I hate when people just drop little hints or say “that’s okay” when it’s not. We work better as a team when I just come out and say “This is what I expect or need from you today” – he appreciates it too because it’s clear what they other expects. After years of battling over housecleaning duties I finally realized that we actually had different ideas of what “clean the house meant” – he’d tidy and organize clutter while I was expecting dusting, vacuuming. Now I spell things out for my expectations, he gives me a run down of his priorities for the day and things are so much clearer – it feels a little juvenile at times (and I ask every now and then if he feels like I’m treating him as one, so far so good), but it’s helped a lot.
Heather says
I think I have that 4-year-old who needs to be picked up more. Thank you, Auntie Leila!
Patty says
I live with a bunch of people who don’t see clutter. I can live with it for a while, but then my brain starts rattling in my head and *I* need to straighten up. Most of the time the straightening needs to happen when my people are gone, so rather than get on those old huge rants in my own head and maybe even save it for later I put other people’s clutter in their designated clutter baskets. This honors my need to clear surfaces but also honors my desire to teach them to take care of their own stuff. When things are missing, the first questions that is asked is usually, “Have you looked in your clutter basket?” When the clutter baskets overflow I tend to be irritable, because really, already, there’s no need for the stairs to become a danger zone. 🙂
Meg says
Patty– clutter baskets– brilliant!!! I am off to buy some tomorrow! I have been tearing my hair out lately and my children are all old enough to handle this concept. Thank you! This is the best Christmas gift.
Stephanie in Germany says
… and then add: whatever remains in the clutter box on the 23rd of December goes in a box designated for a House of Charity. And then do it.
Julie says
I love this!
Katherine says
“Admit it. All those things I just listed gave you a politically correct conniption.”
Hahahaha- that made me laugh.
My daughter has a teacher’s aide who yells a lot. It has been interesting watching her navigate that. My first tendency was to swoop in and try to fix it- talk to the teacher, talk to the aide, etc. But then I got ahold of myself and sat back to see how it would play out. Surprise! It is fine. My daughter talked to the aide about it and they had a great conversation about why she raises her voice. And my daughter learned that the world keeps turning, even if a teacher yells once in a while.
All that’s to say- some yelling here and there is not the end of the world. I want my kids to know that their actions don’t happen in a bubble. I always love them, but can also get darn frustrated with them. Good thoughts to read about how to NOT turn that into emotional manipulation. Thanks!
Lisa G. says
Love, love, love those little foxes!
shwell says
I am not politically correct – and I do agree with everything you said above, even the yelling every once in awhile. My oldest has a basketball coach this year who yells sometimes.
My husband and another of the Dads were discussing it. The other Dad said “I asked Alex how he feels about the coach yelling at the team, and Alex replied that he didn’t really care because Mom yells too sometimes”.
On another note, have you ever put Kale in your pesto. I use 1/2 kale 1/2 basil, or sometimes a kale, mint, oregano, parsley mix. all other things being the same. If you use the flat green one with the purplish stem it keeps the pesto a VERY vivid green, never turns brown. Gives you twice as much pesto.
Leila says
Shwell, you interest me strangely… always on the lookout for uses for that kale!! 🙂
Leila says
I have used mint — which I also have in abundance — and pistachios in my pesto — delish. Parsley too. But I’ve never tried kale!
Julie says
Would love the pesto “recipe of sorts.” Maybe a blog post?
Leila says
Julie: Done!
http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org/2012/10/pesto-with-dried-tomatoes/
When I posted this, I had little basil and lots of dried tomato. But the proportions are neither here nor there. The combo is what is delicious.
Julie says
Oooh, excellent!
Christina A says
I’ve also used fresh spinach and dried basil to great effect!
Donna L. says
Bravo, Auntie Leila! Excellent advice as usual–
I hope my children always know that I love them–unconditionally.. Lots of hugs and smooches and tickles…and they are still well-behaved…most of the time.
Becky says
I was raised in such a way as to want to do it differently. One of the things that was really important to me was being authentic with my children. This alarms a certain type of mother when I suggest it to them. The thing is, that my children always know where they stand with me. They are always aware if I am frustrated with their behavior. They know if I am just in a cranky mood. They also know exactly what needs to change. I do yell. I do send people to their rooms. I will even occasionally dole out a “swat.” My early childhood professors would have conniptions. In fact, I’ve noticed that at least some of my children (it depends on individual personality as well) are at their absolute most relaxed when I am at my strictest- they adore knowing exactly what is expected and where their boundaries lie. Although, it is likely important to note that the one thing that is absolutely the worst offense in our family is being unkind- nothing gets the boom lowered faster or more decisively.
The thing is that the children I see in families where there are always gentle voices and patient reminders tend to be pushing and pushing and pushing to see where the limit lies. And, worse, they (I speak from experience) never actually know where they stand. Is mother simply being tolerant? Adults assume that children can’t pick up on nuance and, when they are tiny, perhaps they can’t. But, I also don’t tend to yell at infants…
Leila says
Yes, Becky, that’s the gist of my “your children need less patience from you” post. Psychologically speaking, I think that the uber-tolerant, soft-spoken parents often have the pushiest children, always nudging to find the boundaries. That in turn makes THEM unpleasant to be around! So it’s a vicious cycle. No one is really ENJOYING each other.
The only truly soft-spoken kind parents who succeed are the ones who are that way by temperament, but still seem to convey their alpha status by other means. Not being soft-spoken or kind by temperament, that just wouldn’t work for me 🙂
Melissa Diskin says
Yes — because it’s SO much kinder to children to set limits and stick to them. 🙂
I’ve found that a nice kitchen timer with a loud and longish bell that cannot be ignored (the $10 OXO one is worth every penny) is fantastic for when I need to set limits but also need to get my own stuff done. When the bell rings, time is up (for screen time, for lollygagging before school or church). After all, some limits are about personal space and kindness — and some are just about getting things done quickly. The timer lets me not have to physically stand over the kids for every single thing — I want to be fully dressed for church, too, for example!
Becky says
I adore that post of yours and I should have referenced it more explicitly. It made me feel so much more settled in what I was doing. I suggest it frequently to friends. Advice coming from a mother of 7, grown and healthy is so very valuable- especially when it’s sensible! 🙂
Leila says
Aw, Becky, thanks!!
Melissa says
Thank you for this wonderful post! You have no idea how timely and providential your advice is for our family.
Kathy@9peas says
Gosh Leila, I love how you cut to the heart of it. You really do know how to build up Mothers and help them feel that they can do this after all. Thank you!
Christina A says
Minestrone is so good, but my sister sent me a great recipe for Pasta e Fagioli a couple years ago, which has replaced my good old minestrone. It’s more of an Italian chili than a soup, and I use Acini di Pepe for the pasta; it’s so tiny it never seems bloated.
Amy W. says
Love it. I buy pajamas every year for my children and this year I had the thought to reuse a queen size flat sheet to make my daughters. They came out great, and there are snowmen at the bottom that had been part of the detail at the top of the sheet. I was inspired. I am making some for my grand nephew too.
Tia says
Agree totally that affection shouldn’t be used as a tool for discipline. It teaches the exact wrong message about what love is and how god loves us.
On the other hand, patience is a virtue, as is meekness. If, as is the case for me, anger is a result of one’s own indiscipline and lack of patience, then I think it can be valuable to try to stifle anger in the moment. Even that super annoying, strained patience can be better than yelling, as long as it’s a way station to developing more patience and charity. Personally, I find that I’m most snappish NOT when my kids are at their worst, but when I am. When my son is being really naughty then I feel justified being angry, even seeing it as a lesson. But sad to say, my faults are quite substantial and more often I see my anger as a personal failing. Usually resulting from either my impatience or sloth. And me getting angry in those situations teaches my kids it’s okay to fly off the handle for relatively minor things.
Kristi says
Yes to this! It can be hard for me to put this into practice, but when I do I know it’s a great lesson in grace-giving. The other day, my 8yo son was disrespectful to me near bedtime, and I responded irritably. When I went to kiss him goodnight, he said sadly that he “didn’t deserve” our usual bedtime routine because he’d been disrespectful. I was excited to tell him that he gets hugs and kisses not because he “deserves” it but because I love him & my love doesn’t change b/c of his behavior — just as God loves us, evidenced especially in Jesus’ death for our sins, and our sins don’t make God pull away from us. It turned out to be a wonderful opportunity to talk about and show unconditional love.
Dear Auntie Leila, I also love that you use words like “bootless” (here in Texas, it usually means something else). I bet you also could use “ken” in a sentence without talking about Barbie.
Love the flannel, too. Those kiddos will be (already are) so adorable!
Leila says
Two points:
I make a distinction between “patience” and patience. Read my post to find out what I mean. Patience the virtue is a virtue. Patience the thing that you do to hold your children at arms’ length to try to control them — no good.
Here is the post (it’s linked above as well): http://www.likemotherlikedaughter.org/2010/09/six-to-eleven-year-olds-need-less/
I am happy to see that our readers know that there’s a real world out there with lots of different people of varying levels of patience. I would look a bit askance at a coach or a teacher’s aide yelling a lot. And I’m not in favor of mom yelling a lot! I’m just saying, don’t get to that place where you are okay with being super controlled and don’t notice that affection has become a tool of behavior modification rather than the normal state in your home.
Finally, we’re human and we fail. Failure is not the end of the world, a sign that you have stopped being a good mom, or a way that you have damaged your child.
Failure in fact is a chance to know exactly where you stand — that you are human too, that your authority over your children is a STATE, not a merit, and that you need grace to function! So it is better, actually, than being perfect all the time (and anyway that wouldn’t happen).
The important thing is to be warm and affectionate with those you love, even while setting and upholding standards.
Mama Rachael says
Yes, I agree, don’t use affection as discipline. I read the advice once, “be a wall.” that I use a lot with my emotionally volatile little boy. Don’t argue, don’t reason. Give your instruction and be done. And another piece of advice “if you argue with a 3 year old, you become a 3 year old” from the proverb ‘if you argue with a fool, you are a fool”. Works for any age and status.
You made a brief comment about ‘time out’ and its futility. I’m sure it is for some children. For my child, who *loves* being the center of attention and suffers greatly from ‘fear of missing out’ (FOMO), time outs are the ultimate form of suffering. We use them when he breaks a house rule (he’s three, I don’t think I can truly expect him to remember them all the time), like don’t throw things in the house, don’t have loud emotional outbursts. When he disobeys, is disrespectful, defiant, or dishonest that’s a spank.
Emily says
Thank you, Leila! This was doubly helpful to me! I wish I’d read this post before letting my kids accompany me to JoAnns to pick out their (kinda cheesy, cheap-feeling) Christmas flannel. You’re absolutely right–our JC Penny flannel sheets are much better quality, and I wouldn’t feel like all my hard work on the annual matching pajamas was wasted if they were made of actual sturdy fabric. Amazing!
And on the withholding affection topic, it is so, so refreshing to read commonsense commentary on disciplining children! I see moms who scream at their kids (yelling in the UNhealthy way), tell them hateful things (“You are so bad. I hate you.”), and totally manipulate them, yet consider anyone who spanks a child to be abusive. Honestly, I was spanked and had limits and tough consequences a lot as a kid, and my parents never, ever abused me. Every discipline session always ended with a big hug and a kiss and a reminder that “Jesus loves you and I love you. Nothing you could ever do could make me stop loving you.” There was such SECURITY in my parent’s discipline, and I want to convey that same security to my kids. And I’m finding that my particularly difficult three year old really needs a lot of cuddles and snuggles, even after an hour-long temper tantrum. When I’m frustrated, I’m less likely to want to, but I am more likely to need to. Good reminders!
Mystie says
” This week I am concentrating with all my might on “getting organized” (The Chief says this is my stated goal every time he asks what I’m doing that day, since… forever… ). ”
Glad to know I’m not the only one!!
Mary Lou says
Can you put a 17 year old on your lap 🙂 … I’ve always thanked that wherever I flipped, flubbed or failed, grace abounded (sometimes not noticable for years!). I think someday, if he has to hold me in his lap … he will! He knows what Mama means!
jc-deogratias says
So true. There was nothing I hated more as a child than long, boring lectures. Especially if they involved yelling. But just the waste of time and so much repetition, or at least thats what it seemed to my childish ears, just grated on my last nerve. It didn’t move me an inch closer to repentance, nor did any tactics of manipulation by guilt or shame. Being straight with your children and having brief consequences for misbehavior is good, as long as it’s all done with a generous measure of love, humor, and kindness.
I really hate to hear people pleading and begging their children to do what they are told. It’s so unnecessary, and I think the longer it goes on, the more difficulty the child will have in submitting to the Lord, let alone to a spouse or employer. I worry that never learning to listen and behave creates little control freaks, who end up believing that if they hold out long enough, people will give up and they can do as they please, even if it’s unwise or self-destructive. I like to share John Rosamond’s books with those who could use a bit of help, but it’s hard to do that without letting them know I think they need help;-).
On another note, I love your idea of using sheets. I’ve been wanting to make a new red plaid flannel bathrobe (I make my own because for some reason, the store bought ones are all for pygmies– I want it LONG!), and haven’t found good flannel in the stores. I considered buying a couple of extra large shirts and cutting them up, but sheets would be easier. Now to find the right ones!
CA Rhoades says
Hm. Interesting topic. I read a fabulous book that revolutionized our home called Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting by Noel Janis-Norton and one of the main parenting tools provided in that book is something called Descriptive Praise. I think this is something very different than what has been described in this blog piece.
Withholding general affection during moments of misbehavior and only giving general affection during moments of proper behavior is certainly cruel and not at all a reflection of the way God loves us, his children. His Love is unconditional and never ceases, even when we are sinning. So being that parents are a representation of God to young children, we should always be striving to love them that way He loves us. I dole out affection (hugs, kisses, cuddles, warm words) all day long to my family, regardless of their level of behavior.
HOWEVER, Descriptive Praise is not affection, but rather, a positive reinforcement and encouragement of a child’s good behavior, and it is SO effective for turning a bad habit around within a week or two, if you truly hone in on one behavior at a time. (Especially when used in conjunction with the others tools provided in the book.) Descriptive Praise also allows us to consistently instill CHARACTER and VIRTUE into our children from even a very young age, because we use edifying language that describes what we are witnessing. Here’s an example:
Older sibling is playing with LEGO and younger sibling walks up. Older sibling chooses to split up the LEGO evenly so that they can play together. Parent witnesses this scene and rather than saying something generic like “Wow, good job, Honey.” she says, “I saw you share the LEGO with your sister! That was generous.” You see, the praise is Descriptive, not over-the-top, and not generic. It hones in on what *exactly* that child did right and attaches a virtue to it.
It’s a beautiful parenting tool and again, so effective. This book revolutionized parenting in our home and we have two very well-behaved children with absolutely no need for spanking or yelling or time-outs.
When consequences for misbehavior are necessary, they directly relate to the transgression, take place immediately so there is no confusion as to which misbehavior is being corrected, and they are reinforced later with a Talk-Through during a calm moment when everyone’s emotions are settled. Then we practice Walk-Throughs and will *literally* replay the scene with the child performing the proper behavior this time, both for reinforcement and for practice. 🙂
Leila says
On this blog I address many behavior and discipline issues, a little at a time. This list was about using affection as a tool.
In general, I am not a fan of talking about the child’s behavior as much as you suggest in this comment. Feel free to peruse my other posts to find out why.
Nicole says
I so needed to re-read this post of late. Thank you. I fall more into the camp of reactive parent who just tends to have a *very* low patience threshold and an exaggerated sense of justice (ie melancholic-choleric!). So I struggle a lot with maintaining warmth and affection *especially* when there is misbehavior or disrespect of flouting of rules. I need to think and pray more about this and about how to think ahead so I’m doing more acting and less reacting!