@_Leila: Do you have any thoughts on what age is appropriate to start sports for kids? We know people starting 4 year olds. (1/1)
@_Leila: It seems very disruptive to the family (dinner, baths, bed) etc to do practices and games for a dubious benefit at that age. (2/2)
~@SedLibera on Twitter (not my preferred way to dispense my pearls but hey, probably good discipline for me!).
Dear Auntie Leila,
I was wondering if you could comment on how to prioritize activities for homeschool kids. Along those lines, could you comment how to AFFORD activities, when you live on one income–especially for larger families. I have 5 boys who spend their days vibrating in frustration at the limited types of exertion are available to them. My two oldest are nearly 9 and 10 years old. During the summer it's not too hard, as there is garden work, grass to mow and rake etc. but as we approach winter, I'd like to find something for them to do that is more than just tell them to “run around” outside.
I am a bit daunted at the idea of paying for lessons for tumbling, martial arts, or whatever. We are NOT a family that would be running like crazy from activity to activity, but would like to pick one thing for them to try, to help burn off all that energy through the long winter days–something a bit more disciplined and with more purpose than just free play.
I feel that they are wanting to stretch towards manhood, and begin leaving mama's apron strings, but don't know where or what to release them to. Being homeschooled and staying home with mama and the babies from day to day seems to be too limited of a scope for them at this point and I'd like to expand their horizons before they begin to chafe and resent the limitations of our life (of budget, of transportation etc). Also, I think finding some way to provide instruction from an outside person would be beneficial for them. Can you provide any input? Help!
Sincerely,
Laura
Well, of course, you're never too old to run around outside!
Having said that, Auntie Leila does have some things to throw out there about sports specifically, with the usual reminders that she is not an expert (um, especially about sports), every family is different, and circumstances are different. As you ponder these thoughts, think also on what kind of community you live in (sports-mad or less so) and what level of energy your family really has.
The suburban thing of signing your four-year-old up for sports is something you do because you yourself desperately need to get out. Your leaves are raked, your supper is in the crockpot, and if you don't meet some other parents your brain might explode on your tile floor.
You kind of want to get going on this parenthood gig, and secretly you are interested if your child is
a.) developmentally extraordinary, able to catch a spiral from 50 feet and destined for the NFL and/or this generation's Tiger Woods
or
b.) not.
There is no other way to do this than to head out for some activity.
Being on a team or going for lessons gets you out of the house, so there's that.
That's fine. Everyone does what they have to do.
I myself didn't do this with our kids because sports aren't something I grew up with — I'm a soccer mom transplant. Dear Chief did grow up with sand-lot baseball and was fairly athletic — only he's just of that age that they certainly didn't have organized soccer in his day. It never occurred to us.
As they got older, our kids played soccer, more soccer, indoor soccer, some baseball, and a smattering of other things. Our girls also did Irish step dancing. We lived in a very sports-oriented place, so although I'd say we did a lot (considering the sheer number of people to be carted around), we didn't do as much as many.
It's fine, though, because the truth is, other than that it makes you happy, there is no point in signing a small child up for sports unless you enjoy watching the antics of little monkeys who have no idea what they are aiming at.It is of questionable advantage to the little tots, although it does make for good mental images when you need cheering up:
- The forwards on the teams of six-year-old girls are suddenly fixing each others' braids mid-field, mid-game — completely, but completely! oblivious to the screaming parents on the sidelines.
- The boys can't figure out how to line up to shake hands — they just can't wrap their little minds around the process of coming at each other so that right hands meet, and their coaches-aka-parents are herding cats trying to get them there. Finally everyone just… leaves.
- A wee goalie has woven her hands through the netting up to her armpits, and consequently can't extricate in time to defend.
Usually practices for six-year-olds end pretty early, and by mid-fall it's too dark to practice anyway.
But as to serious, two-practices-a-week-of-two-hours-each, travel-or-club-teams, I'd say that you definitely have to think it all through, particularly the effect it will have on dinner together and bedtimes.
I once met a woman whose just-turned-eight-year-old daughter was doing step dancing, private step dancing lessons so she could make Novice, and club soccer (with games in another state). This mom was wondering why the child wasn't reading well, and why she was doing her homework after 10 pm.
Don't be that woman. (But you wouldn't.)
Make priorities and have goals — and discuss with each other, husband and wife!
If your goal, and it's a worthy one, is to get your over 6-year-old boys to play sports of some kind, because you think they could use the exercise and because playing organized sports does have benefits, then budget it in. If it's to get the girls a skill they've been clamoring for, then go for it.
When you homeschool, you need to realize that you are saving a lot of money. Going to “free” public school isn't free! There are sports fees and a lot of other expenses. When you understand that there is a certain CODB (“Cost of Doing Business” as the Chief calls it), you just make room for it. This is family life.
Get savvy with used equipment from resale shops and eBay, and always voice your needs, because most people have stuff in their garage that they'd be happy to give you (viz, that picture above!). When a child is old enough to have a job (mowing lawns, shoveling snow, taking care of a neighbor's dogs), he can chip in for things he really wants to continue doing.
If you truly can't afford it, then it's not necessary to the well being of your family.
Getting the kids into sports outside of home is worth it if it meets these criteria:
1. The child really longs to play. This is what got us going — our Nick really wanted to play soccer, and begged and begged to join a team. To us, it wasn't important. To him, it was. Boys especially do love and benefit from team sports. Even when the coaches are just volunteer dads, it is important for boys to relate to other men. Women will probably just never understand what it means to a boy to be in the team environment — even if that boy isn't particularly athletic. Once our first played, the others followed along for the most part, with varying degrees of interest in various activities.
(Of course, it's also good for a child to stick to something for the time period agreed upon — soccer season, lesson semester. He may find things difficult at first, and realizing he's made a commitment is part of what he learns by participating.)
Some children are really gifted at a sport (or activity like karate) and you should encourage that, just as you encourage all their talents to the best of your ability, and taking everything into account. Some are peculiarly unfit, and while it's fine to expose them occasionally and probably a good idea at least for a while at some point, don't think they are missing out if all they do is play catch in the backyard. Some are just average, and for those, playing a team sport or doing an outside activity will be a fine experience, kept in its proper perspective.
For most of us, our children are not going to the Olympics, so we should be sure to cultivate other interests!
(By the way, major league baseball players agree that playing catch and pickle are better preparation for real baseball than T-ball and young Little League play.)
2. It won't interfere with most supper times. Sometimes there are seasons (especially baseball, which just takes longer to play) where supper gets short shrift. If your family culture is strong, the benefit can outweigh the risk — but only for a time. Don't make it the default way of doing things. Supper together four times a week is the goal as your family enters the stage where most of the kids are old enough to sit up and converse for real. Let that slip for more than six weeks or so and you are in trouble. There is nothing wrong with letting coach know that your child will miss a practice or two.
Also, consider helping out with the team as you get used to how it goes. Often, the coach is a dad who is getting out of work as early as he can in order to make the practice. If you can be there a bit earlier, check the kids off the roster, start them on their runs, and set up the drills, he can probably set the time up earlier (and thus end earlier). And you will have helped him get home to his family as well. Never underestimate the power of an offer to help to put an important idea in someone's head — “Oh, yes, maybe I too should be having supper with my kids!” This is how we help each other.
3. Sports will have their place in family culture, but not drive out other important activities. Besides dinner together, those would be reading, sleeping, just being together, and getting work done. Of course, there are times (like tournaments) where yardwork takes the backseat, but they are the exception and you, Laura, are not there yet! You build up to it slowly (hopefully!).
4. Each child also has a balanced schedule, with music lessons and other cultural activities given their due. A lot depends on what is offered and what the child is interested in, but it's good to try to provide different sorts of instruction, not limiting yourself necessarily to conventional resources, but taking advantage of the talented teen who can teach beginning piano or the enterprising homeschooler who will start an Irish step dancing class for the little ones.
5. The activities enable you to connect with others in your community. Over the years I've found it a real blessing to get to know other families I wouldn't have any other way; and they got to know us (whether that blessed them or not!). When you stand out there on the sidelines for hours at a time, you can't help talking to people! This is a good thing, especially for homeschoolers who are otherwise at risk of being too isolated and public-school-goers whose prejudices melt when their kids are on teams with your kids. It's not worth sacrificing family life for (see above), but if it can be put in good balance with your other goals, then do it.
Which brings me to another point. If your community is sports-minded to the extent that family life will clearly be impossible — Sunday morning hockey games, practices exclusively at supper time, competition way out of proportion to the healthy development of the children, the vast majority of whom will never have a chance at even high school varsity-level play — then consider starting “family-friendly” sports and activities through your homeschooling group or St. Gregory Pocket. You only need about 10 families to get something going, and before you know it, you will have many more.
Sometimes that takes a few years to figure out, but you start with those 7-year-olds and gradually collect enough interested families to do one practice a week and games on Saturday mornings. That way, sports has a place but not a usurping one.
I have to say that there is value to school-yard games (kick-ball, tag football, pickup basketball) that sports organized by parents and leagues will never attain. So sad to see this particular way of doing things disappear! At this point, neither school children nor homeschoolers are benefitting and it's in danger of being forgotten entirely. Maybe this is another area that homeschooling parents can recover, along with other freedoms for their children, in this highly structured age of ours.
Kathy@9peas says
I love this and am so glad you addressed it! I just asked my homeschool group if they were interested in starting up a simple Saturday morning flag football time.
Melody says
Thanks for writing this. I would stress one thing more. That it is more than a “balancing act” as we all so often refer to it. It is about establishing priorities and ordering sports around those priorities. It takes a lot of fight and a lot of focus. Sports have become an idol in suburban America. Our kids were nationally competitive and “going places”. We quit cold turkey… to save their souls. People thought we were crazy. Sounds dramatic but it is the bare truth. It is much harder now to get involved in lower level teams because the level of competition isn’t as enjoyable. They aren’t interested. If we could go back, I would do things differently. But our life is blessed and we have done a lot of healing and learning. Thanks be to God!
Jamie says
That takes a lot of courage Melody. Good for you.
Jamie says
One suggestion is to get them involved in refereeing. AYSO uses teen referees all the time.
Sarah King says
Also, if you live in an area with Catholic schools, they often have CYO sports that are open to anyone who lives within the parish. The fees are nominal (like ~$100 per family for the whole year) and depending where you are there might be 3 or 4 different sports they can participate in throughout the year.
Although we don’t homeschool, my daughters have benefitted hugely from team sports. Not just learning the sport (basketball, volleyball, and cross country), but also learning how to be aggressive without being mean, how to be part of a team, how discern a small bump or scratch from something more serious, and generally the rewards that come from practice.
My husband is very athletic and participated in sports his whole life, and he has found that having the girls participating in formal team sports provides a great opportunity for him to connect with them.
Tia says
This is great advice. I think sports are great in their place and can teach valuable lessons about fairness, persistence, cheerfulness and teamwork, but of course family life should always be the priority. When I was growing up, the 20-hour-a-week gymnastics practice meant I never got to eat dinner with my parents and sometimes fell asleep in my leotard because I was so tired. That’s what I wanted to do at the time, but in retrospect it was not worth the sacrifice of family time.
Melanie says
Here we have Upward sports. go to upward.org to see if it is in your area.It is a nondenominational Christian league that lets our kids experience team sports without sacrificing sanity…they have a one hour practice once a week, one game on saturdays.
priest's wife @byzcathwife says
I know some who have left the Church because sports became their God….very sad. It is one thing to be flexible and decide to attend a vigil Mass every so often as a family so that one can travel to get to a game- but I think reclaiming Sundays is the most important thing we can do to build a Christian culture.
We are limited because we are ‘church people’ not ‘sports people’ – we do not do anything that will conflict with Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon being church and family time. My son is signed up with Tae Kwan Do – because he does not do the extras- the tournaments, etc- he is 2 belts ‘behind’ children who started when he did. That’s ok
Jenny says
“When you homeschool, you need to realize that you are saving a lot of money. Going to “free” public school isn’t free! ”
As a mother with two kids in elementary public school, I can testify to the truth of this. On a lark this summer I calculated how much I spend on “free” public schools and it was nearly double what most of my homeschooling friends spend. There are a lot of hidden costs and you get nickled and dimed to death.
Molly R says
I don’t know as much about suburban sports, as we live in a rural area, so I can imagine how much more intense it could be in the suburbs, as opposed to the country, but in our small town, sports ( baseball) have been a great way for us to meet other families in the community. It’s an excellent release for the boys, and it challenges them to learn new skills and push themselves to improve as well as to find hidden strengths. My oldest isn’t the best baseball player, though he has come a long way, but his teams and coaches love him, because he is so enthusiastic and always encourages his teammates, no matter what. He has found that his greatest strength isn’t necessarily playing ball (though he practices hard to improve), but in keeping the spirit of team positive and lifting up everyone around him. So sometimes, I think it can be helpful when deciding whether to do sports or not, to consider how your kids might grow, not just athletically, but in other ways as well.
Stephanie Griffith says
Well said! Only one of our kids has, so far chosen to participate in a sport. Our second daughter is a fencer. We like it because you pay one fee for the quarter and they can go as much or as little as they (or, you know, I) like and we can chose each week the practice times that fit our family schedule the best. Plus, it seems to attract a lot of nerdy, interesting kids. I think our boys are hoping to eventually fence as well. Another nice thing about fencing is that they can’t start until they are 8 years old, so there isn’t any pressure to sign my 4 years olds up.
Mary says
I just wanted to second Auntie Leila’s comment about organizing with other families to form a sports team/league that is family-friendly and flexible. We live in the DC area, so there are tons of options here, but there are a number of homeschooling families who have banded together to form more flexible leagues. One family had two daughters who wanted to do ballet. They approached a ballet studio about an early afternoon class, once a week, and were told that if they could get 3 other families to sign up, they’d be happy to do it. My daughter does gymnastics, as do several other girls in the parish, and we’ve talked with the gym about having a homeschooling class that, again, meets in the early afternoon once week. Nothing has been finalized yet, but the nice folks at the gym said they’d be happy to work with us if there is enough interest. And we are blessed with a family-friendly CYO that enrolls all kids in the parish (public/Catholic/home school) and, for the younger kids, has one game a week on Saturday mornings, with practice immediately preceding it, so you only have to commit to one thing a week! If that’s not the way a local CYO operates, it’s worth talking with your pastor or diocesan CYO director about making the schedule more accommodating!
Betty says
Being non-sporty, and past the age where my kids are doing sports, I admit I skimmed most of the blogpost, but I did laugh out loud with your comment on the field hockey stick! I need to get me one of those!
christineguest says
A few y ears ago at homeschool co-op, we ran a playground games class, because when our kids got together on play dates, they didn’t know how to play unless they had a box game or a video game. Once enough of the older kids knew the rules, they taught the youngers and had a better clue about how to run around outside…and like it.
There is a now homeschool tutoring company in my town (Attleboro, MA) where older students take a la carte classes. In their off time, the older kids organize capture the flag and other games. My younger son is begging to take classes (even writing classes) so he can join in the courtyard games. It’s so nice to see the old games coming back there, I wonder if any of the big kids learned capture the flag at the other co-op from years ago.
Molly says
For the very young – like three or four – there’s still a lot to be said about taking your child to the park. Take your own soccer ball, baseball/glove, etc. and let them play the way they want. There will be plenty of time for drills later.
But I second AL here – the sports (and even other activities like Scouts/lessions/etc.) should not come first to God and family. Tell your kids they can do their activities as long as 1) we get to Church and 2) we all sit down to dinner together (even if it’s a picnic at the baseball field).
Elizabeth says
Thank you for the great post!
I wanted to recommend summer swim teams as a great option for families. In my experience, local pools with summer swim teams are very family-friendly (unlike winter teams, which can be much more time-consuming and competitive). Most of the kids usually practice within the same 1-2 hours and the whole family participates at the meet–older kids helping and cheering for the younger ones and vice versa. Parents volunteer to be timers or help gather kids for their races. And I haven’t heard of anything better to help kids become proficient swimmers, which is such a valuable skill. I have a lot of fun memories of being at the pool on summer evenings (and I didn’t even particularly love the sport!). While it’s not an outdoor sport for the colder months, I just wanted to recommend it for people to think about for the summer!
Kathleen L says
I second the summer swim teams, usually very casual and fun for the whole family; (swimmer or not).
I grew up on a summer swim team, and now my children participate in a 6 week season. No pressure to come to all the practices, nor are the meets required. The ages range from 6-18, and the older children help/mentor and cheer the littles throughout the season. Win-win! I find my children sleep better and eat healthier due to the greater activity.
polly says
Swimming is a good option! We have swim classes that go year-around and once the children can swim, it’s working on strokes by swimming laps…that’ll burn the energy!!!
Another word for Upward. I initially did not cotton to it b/c it struck me as a little too–preachy (and I am a Christian!) but the schedule is VERY family-friendly. The church that sponsors our soccer league organizes it so siblings practice on the same nights, games are always between 9-1 on Saturdays, and you only practice one night a week. Very family-friendly, especially if you want a child to participate in a sport (as my sporty husband does) but don’t want it to consume the life of your very young family (I don’t!).
We are hoping to organize a homeschool cross country group at some point, starting w/ a simple running club that will meet once a week. My husband was a collegiate Division 1 cross country and track guy, so he’s into it! Running is also cheap, which we love, and lends itself well to being a true ‘family’ sport (even if you don’t run, you can walk those 5ks!).
Margo, Thrift at Home says
Our kids are in public elementary school and I have not paid any extra fees or come across unexpected costs in four years. Maybe that comes later? Our whole district has free lunches and breakfasts (which our kids don’t eat).
More to the point, thanks for the helpful post on sports. I’ve been wondering this about our son who shows real aptitude for gymnastics.
Could you give some thoughts on music lessons? I want my kids to read music, but sometimes I wonder if the travail is worth it. . .
Melissa Diskin says
Margo, our school is public and solidly middle-class, but has many of the extras of a much wealthier private school — probably b/c so many of the parents teach at Emory or GA Tech, or work at the CDC, and value education so highly. So many kids at our school qualify as “gifted” that they don’t really have a separate gifted program — the teachers just work it into the everyday curriculum. The upside is that despite having a county school system that has mismanaged funds for years and depleted so many schools, our school is flourishing and houses sell before going on the official listed market. The downside? Parents pay and/or raise money for most of the extras. I love our school, but it can feel as if every flyer has a dollar sign on it.
As for sports, we refuse to let the kids play on Sundays. We were lucky to find a fun but low-key soccer league coached by parents we know, so our girls practice once a week and play on Saturdays. Here in Atlanta when I was growing up, no one ever, EVER played on Sundays. The streets were silent — everyone was either at church, pretending to be at church, or at least taking time off with family. Now Sundays are filled with every sport imaginable. It’s probably easy now to find a Saturday-only league since my kids are young, but I think older kids in other leagues spend lots more time on the field, with Sunday games about half the time.
But Leila, you’re absolutely right — couple the frantic American sport schedule with parents working ever-extended hours, and it can obliterate family life, faster than you’d think.
Jenny says
Margo, I suspect it has to do with your district. If the vast majority of families don’t have any money, the school isn’t going to ask for it since they know they won’t get it.
Our income is on the lower middle class level while our district is solidly mid-to-upper middle class. We have school fees and uniforms and fundraisers and fall pictures and spring pictures and class pictures and yearbooks and fundraisers and T-shirt sales and field trip fees and did I mention fundraisers. While it is true a lot of this is optional, it is difficult to completely abstain when most of the school is participating. We do the bare minimum so our kids don’t feel left out and it still adds up quick. I was shocked to see how much I spend on “free” public school and my oldest is only in 4th grade so it is going to get worse as they get older.
Michal says
Oh, we agonized over this question this year! Our older boys (6 and 7) wanted so badly to play soccer, but all I could think of were the years (and dollars!) my parents spent driving around my youngest brother to soccer practice, games, and tournaments. It was all-encompassing! In the meantime he practically flunked out of school.
And then I had to remind myself that saying yes to a 7-year-old does not automatically mean we have to become a family that revolves around soccer. We put the boys in Upward soccer this fall, and although the program is a little bit squirrely, the boys loved it and it turned out to be a perfect fit, for now. Practice for 1 hour a week (although it was at 6pm) and Saturday morning games.
s says
We do sports and it can be impractical but we do minimize it as much as possible. Portable dinners come in handy and can turn into a fun picnic during an older child’s practice for the younger set. There are other outlets though – family hikes, family bike rides, are great energy burners (little ones can go in bike seats). I used to walk with my youngest while the older ones rode ahead on the bike trail. Parks are great- younger ones can play on the playground while older ones scooter, bike or skateboard. Friedberg or four square is cheap fun. My boys make chalk obstacle courses to scooter or bike ride through on the driveway. Recreational basketball is excellent – shirt games, and indoors but they get exercise during the winter, cost is reasonable. Swim lessons or free swim time at a local y or indoor pool is fairly low cost.
s says
I meant impactful not impractical although at times could be both!
Julie says
Great post and great guiding words. Thanks for posting on sports. My son did soccer the last 2 years and decided he wanted to do basketball this year. We have told them- 1 activity each and they are ok with that. My daughter did climbing for 1yr and was done. My son wants to keep trying different sports. My 2 girls are in an irish step dance class this year @ their public/ home school cooperative, and my son is doing martial arts at the same said school. ( I suppose the way I wrote this it looks as if I have 172 children when, indeed I only have 4) That of course comes from writing in a stream of conciousness and not ordering my thoughts.
Robin says
We homeschool but our parish school has graciously allowed my now-11-year-old to participate in P.E. with his age class for the last few years. That has been a great social as well as physical outlet for him and just takes half an hour during the day. Another homeschooler participates in P.E. as well as Fine Arts with her class; it’s been a big help for a dad who was reluctant to allow homeschooling over lack-of-socialization fears. All we had to do was ask the principal and she was happy to accommodate!
Jamie says
I resisted team sports for a long time. But I actually love it now. It is so fun to watch my kids play. I really love it. And they aren’t even all that good! But I still love it. I am also a soccer referee and that is a lot of fun too. I like meeting all of the parents and seeing the kids improve. It’s a good thing. I won’t do club soccer though. Unless my kid is SOOOOO GOOD that it’s an undeniable gift. But that isn’t likely to happen lol.
Jamie says
One more thought to add: My husband and his sister were never in any activities at all. Nothing. No team sports. No music. No scouts. No clubs. No student council. They went to school and came home. His parents were teens when they were born and they had no resources for that kind of thing. My husband doesn’t even own a senior yearbook! There was no money for that. And you know what? He and his sister have plenty of interests. They are both in excellent shape as adults. My husband is an avid cyclist and runs the blog bicyclefriends. His sister lifts weights, she’s a photographer, she is her son’s soccer coach even though she never played the game. So my point is that kids will discover their interests as they grow up and all is not lost if you don’t want to/can’t sign them up for stuff.
Stephanie says
Anthony Esolen had a delightful chapter in his book Ten Ways to Destroy Your Child’s Imagination on organized team sports. He spent a good five pages writing about the imagination it takes for a bunch of kids to get their OWN ballgame going. Highly recommend! Wonderful post Auntie Leila!
Natalie says
I love this post and these comments! So helpful and encouraging. Got three energetic boys and a very sporty husband:-)
Virginia says
This is such good advice. I made the mistake when my youngest one was probably around 6 year old of over booking her. It was just for about 4 months or so, but she had an activity almost every night of the week. As a self proclaimed homebody and someone who loves having our weekends free to just be together as a family, I am not sure what led to that lapse in judgement. Now, with three kiddoes, we are much more judicious about what activities we say yes to. You very eloquently wrote exactly what my husband and I feel–if it’s a passion for the kids, let’s pursue it as much as we can without disturbing too much our priorities of dinner together, weekends with few to no plans, minimal stress for everyone.
briana says
My 11 yo son was starting to get a bit…wound up and homeschooling was starting to get…hairy with him. He’d been begging to sign up for football. This year we let him. .They practice for 2 hours every day of the week and let me tell you what a WONDERFUL student I’ve had in him this year. so much so that I will immediately be signing him up for something else. My other kids don’t need the physical outlet. He totally does.
Helene says
We have had a few good experiences within our homeschool group as we tried to find a way to combine organized sports and pick-up school yard style games. For several years we had “Homeschool Baseball”which I thought was a lot of fun and the kids considered it a success. We met every Saturday morning at a local field with whoever happened to be interested and able that day. All ages were incorporated. The pitcher adjusted his style according to age and ability of the hitter. There were a good deal of older boys (17 or so) who got a good challenge out of the games and enjoyed them very much in spite of the limitations. We took turns bringing the snacks. The Moms and toddlers took advantage of the playground nearby. It was fun. Nowadays we belong to another group and we meet at a park for frisbee every Friday after our homeschool activities. They split the kids into older and younger groups and have casual games that way. I like how it is somewhat organized but also extremely low key.